If someone cheats, what will it take to get trusted again?

[MarnieLA]

You say you would not cheat again but then you regreat to have confessed more than have cheat .... I don't believe you.

Well it's been 6 months later now. I'm not hiding anything. Doesn't this means changes and willing to try to fix the mess created?

 

If I was trying to hide something, I wouldn't have even given him access to my account and be try to be focusing on saving myself. I wasn't. I knew this meant either working it out and devastating him or losing him completely. I can understand if in the end, he can't deal with it then I would let him go if he can't take it anymore (if that's what will make him happy again).

 

I do regret cheating. I regret everything. I hate what it's done to him.

Edited February 23, 2013 by MarnieLA

[road]

No, it wasn't.

I know. Hence why there is no point to even dig out reasons why it happened. Even if I would have been drunk, it would still sound like excuses.

But he still sometimes asks why it happened. I think he's trying to get me to state a reason instead of giving none. But I can't find any reason and this is what devastates him the most. I get the feeling that if I were to randomly state a reason (any) it would ease him a bit but I can't help him in that part.

 

The only thing I can help him in is reasurring that I love him still, continue letting him check my hotmail account if he wants to (there is nothing new that I haven't said on my confession) and not cheating on anyone ever again.

I have no background of ever being abused nor molested (nothing but well brought-up parents so yeah there isn't really anything that saved me except maybe my confession). It wasn't a rocky relationship either and even so, that would still not excuse it.

 

 

You need to do more then letting your BH check your hotmail.

 

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair and His Needs Her Needs. Both books are by Dr Harley.

 

I have yet to see a WS ever be able to give a good answer to their BS as to why they had an affair.

 

If your BH was here right now I would tell him this. After being on infidelity boards for 10 years there has never been a good answer to why the WS banged the AP.

 

Many reasons given why it was the BS's fault that the marriage sucked. Lot's of blame shifting by the WS.

Lots of rewriting marital history for the WS to justify in the WS's mind to have an affair.

 

As you can see there is not one good why answer in there.

 

Mainly an affair happened is that the WS was getting flattered and charmed and complimented and groomed by the predatory AP to work the WS's clothes off and into the AP's bed.

 

Because the WS did not have protective boundaries in place to prevent affairs. Boundaries are needed to keep affairs from happening.

 

You need to get those books so you and your BH learn about exposure, boundaries, recovery, rebuilding trust.

 

You posting here crying in your beer is not learning about or working on recovery.

[MarnieLA]

Ohh I don't doubt you don't intend to cheat again.... but since you don't know why you cheated the first time... how are you going to avoid that that "unknown" thing to happen again? You have proof already you don't have the mental strength that takes to say no to temptation when it involves lust... so how are you suddenly be strong enough?

I'm seeing right before my eyes what this did to him and that's enough for me.

[MarnieLA]

I have yet to see a WS ever be able to give a good answer to their BS as to why they had an affair.

Well it wasn't a long term affair but rather similar to a ONS, only it didn't involved sex.

But it's still bad and in the end changes nothing. Does this book work for long term relationships too?