So Angry with sister cant get over it...

[SWAN808]

I have chronic fatigue syndrome and have been ill for most of my twenties. It happened during my first job after college and its been really hard living in a city without much help from my family. Initially I lived with a friend who then moved abroad - so I ended up living with random people through flatshare websites who i didnt know so well. Most of my time I spent trying to research how to get better.

 

Last year my sister returned from Hong Kong where she had been for most of the time I was ill. Her husband is a great guy and we get along very well - he asked if I was going to live with them. This was amazing to me but I knew it might not work because of my sister. We had an ok relationship growing up but werent particularly close. They moved into his old place which had a spare room. They let me stay there for a while in and out but then I had to move out of my own flat because it had a damp problem. I knew my sister would be worried I was going to try to ask to live there but I made an effort to reassure her it was just a short term thing. I stayed there for a short while and we all got on what I thought was really well - and I made a real effort to be good around the flat...

 

But then my sister called me and said she needed some space and I could stay there every three weeks and for 3 or 4 nights a time - the rest of the time I had to move my stuff to my parents in the country. I hate living in the country as Im a city guy-all my friends are in the city and I have no life in the country. Ive been so unwell its difficult for me to do anything fun and Ive been scared for a long time that Id get stuck out in the country with no life feeling ill every day and my life drifting away. Many of my friends who had seen the hell Id been through and the loneliness Id endured whilst ill could not really understand why my sister was imposing such harsh sanctions on me-especially seeing as she had a spare room just sitting there. I tried to defend her saying she was newly married and needed space etc and understood it to a degree-being someone who also needs their own space. However over time I started to feel a bit hurt. It started to build I guess when she said I had to wait 3 weeks to visit (and also could not be there on a sunday) and that she would give me dates to come down - but she kept forgetting to call. I think as my older sister I really needed her to call to invite me down so I felt it was ok to be there - because otherwise I felt a bit unwelcome.

However she was really busy and kept forgetting - and for a while I had to keep chasing to ask. It was fine I did that for a while no biggie - but then I started to feel very unwanted. You have to understand that Ive really had an awful time these last 8 years trying to get through loosing my health, my job and relationship. I really felt I could get better but needed some help from someone - and having been so lonely at my own flat - my sister was in a great position to help. I was intending to get my own place once I had the energy to look - but it is very difficult when you suffer from chronic fatigue.

 

One week we had arranged I come down that week - but I had been too unwell to travel until thursday. I emailed and tried to call my sister on wed to say I was going to try to come down but got no reply. Because I knew I was not meant to stay there on Sunday night, and Id only have a few days - I just went for it on Thursday. I called on the way down. I was a bit concerned because I would have liked to got hold of her first but I really had to get out of my parents house so just went for it. On the way down my mum calls me with some bad news. They are doing all these cuts to public spending and I have been receiving money from the government because Im too ill to work. Anyways the thing I had been dreading for years happened - they suddenly decided I dont qualify. My mum decided to open the letter without asking me and calls me on the way down with the bad news. So now I realise I have no financial support and will have to appeal etc which is very stressful. I get to my sisters flat where she finally calls me from her work and gives it to me both barrels shouting at me about not giving her warning. I tried to explain and also tell her that Id just had some really bad news but she would not listen and was not interested as she had had a really bad day. After getting off the phone, at this point the two remaining decent things in my life having collapsed, I completely broke down which is something Ive only ever happened once or twice in my life. I was a mess for about two hours wondering if I should try and find a hotel as I felt so uncomfortable. It was horrible but I managed to pull myself together by the time her husband returned. When she got back she apologised but said that 'she should be able to get angry'...I tried to explain to her the significance of my news and that it was unfortunate timing but she didnt really understand or take it in.

 

I tried to just move on and get over it. The next time I came to stay I was well enough to go to one of my best mates birthdays - which I did - but the next day was a sunday - so I had to leave the flat according to her rules which I was even more conscious of since the last blow-out - so I legged it to stay with an aunt. Unfortunately when I returned home I ended up getting the flu twice leading up to christmas - likely because I had pushed myself too hard travelling around probably because I didnt feel like I could ask to stay sunday and take it a bit easier. It practically ruined christmas for me. Getting the flu when you have chronic fatigue really knocks you back and takes weeks to get over. I was stuck in the country for almost two months and getting severely depressed, feeling really ill and not seeing any of my mates. I was so down at that point I gave up even calling my sister to ask if I could go down - what was the point if she didnt really want me there. Id run out of my own steam to keep asking. Finally she called to ask if I was coming down - and I was so ground down I just said whats the point you dont even want me there. She protested and said sorry if she had made me feel like that. I tried to go down and stay but I was so mad that I could not sleep in her flat anymore. I didnt want anything more to do with it.

 

The problem is now we have spoken about it and she has apologised - but I just cant get over it. I cant understand how it happened. Im still so angry at how bad I ended up feeling. She has now offered to have me to stay - but I cant even sleep there Im so angry. The whole thing is ruined for me - which is a real problem because its going to be extremely difficult for me to get going in the city again without some help...its very difficult to explain just how let down I have felt and what its like to go through a major life crisis - and really need someones help - but then to feel so ground down that you start to feel totally rejected on top of the suffering you have to deal with. I was a popular guy and it was a shock to get ill and to loose much of my life. I knew it might be problematic staying with my sister - but I never expected to come out feeling so wretched about myself as a result of feeling rejected. Lots of people would have liked having me around as Im a chilled funny guy and up for hanging out. I even understood her rules for staying - all it would have taken to avoid this would have been to make the invite rather than relying on me having to chase. And apologising properly and spending some time asking about my appeal and what had happened to me that day.

 

There are other details but this is probably long and boring enough...the point is - I have tried to express why I was so angry but even still - I cant seem to get over it. She has given me a golden opportunity to stay there now (a baffling U-Turn) and its as if I cant have it because its been spoilt. I feel like Im being difficult carrying this issue and Id honestly rather not from a logical point of view - but emotionally I cant seem to just turn around and think ok fine. The feelings built over 6 months and now I feel like I have lost a sense of trust. I feel like my dignity has been eroded and I dont want to have her help anymore. I dont feel like I understand her actions and she does all this nice stuff now which I dont trust. I find it really difficult to communicate these feelings and just think its going to take me some months to get over this. The problem is - Ill go mad if I cant visit the city...its a catch 22...

Edited February 20, 2013 by SWAN808

[Janesays]

You sounds kind of like a mooch to me. And entitled, too. Your sister is not your mother. She doesn't 'owe' you anything, least of all her spare bedroom. If she invites you to stay, it is a kindness. But I don't see why she would as you seem completely ungrateful.

 

When she wants a child, I'm sure she'll have her own.

 

If you need someone to take care of you due to your illness, go ask your Mommy or hire a nurse.

[SWAN808]

You sounds kind of like a mooch to me. And entitled, too. Your sister is not your mother. She doesn't 'owe' you anything, least of all her spare bedroom. If she invites you to stay, it is a kindness. But I don't see why she would as you seem completely ungrateful.

 

When she wants a child, I'm sure she'll have her own.

 

If you need someone to take care of you due to your illness, go ask your Mommy or hire a nurse.

 

right - so if you fell ill you wouldnt expect a family member to help you out if they could. its not about looking after me - its about giving me somewhere to stay as a platform to get my own place and get my life together. I cant do that from the country and its very difficult if you are severely ill. its not like Im just some lay-about who wants a free ride-jesus.

 

Ive been looking after myself since I was 8 years old and sent to boarding school. its a pretty unsupportive attitude you have but I suppose you dont really get the picture. maybe Ive not explained it properly. I hope you dont loose your health and have no support to help you out.

[Janesays]

I have been severely ill and I've always taken care of myself....even through major surgeries and various hospitalizations. I don't have a family to mooch off of even if I wanted too. Not that I would. I'm a grown up and I have my pride and self respect to take care of as well.

[CC12]

I realize that your health problems limit you. That sucks. But you can't expect other people to bend over backward for you. You've got to live within your means and not rely on or demand help from others.

 

It was very kind of your sister to do you the favor of letting you live there for as long as you did. It was even kind of her to still invite you to stay there occasionally after she realized the living situation wasn't going to work out with you there. She tried to create a reasonable boundary, and you didn't respect that. You showed up at her house when she wasn't expecting you, which was rude of you. And you think you're the injured party in that scenario? You should be apologizing to her and being thankful that she's still willing to have you back in her home after the kind of stuff you pull. I would not be as forgiving as she is. Be thankful your sis apparently loves you very much.

[SWAN808]

I realize that your health problems limit you. That sucks. But you can't expect other people to bend over backward for you. You've got to live within your means and not rely on or demand help from others.

 

It was very kind of your sister to do you the favor of letting you live there for as long as you did. It was even kind of her to still invite you to stay there occasionally after she realized the living situation wasn't going to work out with you there. She tried to create a reasonable boundary, and you didn't respect that. You showed up at her house when she wasn't expecting you, which was rude of you. And you think you're the injured party in that scenario? You should be apologizing to her and being thankful that she's still willing to have you back in her home after the kind of stuff you pull. I would not be as forgiving as she is. Be thankful your sis apparently loves you very much.

 

I did respect it - I turned up on the week allocated for me to be there. the only thing I didnt do was wait to hear back when double checking that evening was ok. I also did appologise for not getting hold of her before I came down when we spoke.

I recognise and appreciated being able to stay there-she knows that-and I have been nothing but respectful of her boundaries.

 

In terms of living within my means - I have been doing that for the last 5 years whilst trying to improve my health. I just needed some respite from a family member which was following a bad reaction to some medication I took which was supposed to help me get better.

 

I suppose my post must comes accross whiny and entitled - when in fact in real life Im anything but. Most people I know think its nothing short of heroic what Ive managed to get through on my own.

[SWAN808]

in retrospect this is something that is difficult to get across.

 

my point is if you have suffered, seriously, and feel let down by someone - I need to know how I can try to get over it.

 

anyone who just thinks Im whiny and a moocher - you need to walk a mile in my shoes and go through what I have done - and then see how you feel. Im talking years of poor health, and struggling as a result. Loosing everything in your life and trying to build it up again.

[CC12]

in retrospect this is something that is difficult to get across.

 

my point is if you have suffered, seriously, and feel let down by someone - I need to know how I can try to get over it.

 

In order to get over it, I think it would help you to understand that you have no real basis for feeling that your sister did you wrong somehow, because she didn't. The only thing she might be guilty of is blowing up at you, which she already apologized for, right?

 

 

anyone who just thinks Im whiny and a moocher - you need to walk a mile in my shoes and go through what I have done - and then see how you feel. Im talking years of poor health, and struggling as a result.

 

You know, I don't think this kind of attitude is going to help you in life. You have this very, "Woe is me" "I need help, why won't someone help me?" "Don't you see I can't live in the country because it sucks" "I'm a hero for all the things I've been through" thing going on, and it's really unbecoming. Everyone has problems, some more severe than others, and you're not that special because you think your problems are more important.

[SWAN808]

I have been severely ill and I've always taken care of myself....even through major surgeries and various hospitalizations. I don't have a family to mooch off of even if I wanted too. Not that I would. I'm a grown up and I have my pride and self respect to take care of as well.

 

well - Im sorry to hear you had to go through major surgeries with no one there to help you out. I presume those events didnt last for 8 years and leave you unable to work?

 

I have pride as well - and it takes a lot to ask for help when you need it. Its not something Im happy about but I dont have a lot of choice in the matter.

[CC12]

I hate to quote myself, because it makes me seem really douchey, but I'm doing it anyway.

 

you think your problems are more important.

 

well - Im sorry to hear you had to go through major surgeries with no one there to help you out. I presume those events didnt last for 8 years and leave you unable to work?

 

This is a good example of you thinking your problems are more important.

[SWAN808]

In order to get over it, I think it would help you to understand that you have no real basis for feeling that your sister did you wrong somehow, because she didn't. The only thing she might be guilty of is blowing up at you, which she already apologized for, right?

 

You know, I don't think this kind of attitude is going to help you in life. You have this very, "Woe is me" "I need help, why won't someone help me?" "Don't you see I can't live in the country because it sucks" "I'm a hero for all the things I've been through" thing going on, and it's really unbecoming. Everyone has problems, some more severe than others, and you're not that special because you think your problems are more important.

 

ok. honestly - if you met me in real life - and I explained to you the situation Ive been in - you would understand. you would also see that I dont actually have this attitude of woe is me - its just that - well - woe IS me to a degree!

 

In terms of my sis and the issue there - its not the fact that she blew up at me - its the surrounding issues - combined with her lack of meaningful apology or understanding of the situation I have been dealing with. Everybody has a bad day now and then - I get that. Everyone has problems too - and Ive encourgaed her to share hers with me because I can be quite good at helping people there. As I said - not many people have been through what I have. If you think its unbecoming to state that - so be it.

[SWAN808]

This is a good example of you thinking your problems are more important.

 

No - I think you are extrapolating out more than is there - honestly. I do understand your point, and you seem quite intelligent so I appreciate your responses here - but seriously - I presume that that poster is not been so ill that she could not work for a long time. Chronic illness is a real test. Im not saying my problem is worse than hers at all - my point is - that she might feel a bit different about needing help - if she had had everything taken away for a long period of time.

Im surprised you accuse me of making my problems more important when - despite her giving me greif - I expressed genuine sympathy for the fact that she had some health problems herself. I suppose I undermined that a bit with my presumption comment - but you can hardly blame me.

[Radu]

OP, your post does sound like that of a mooch.

I have never heard of this, so i looked it up on wiki : Chronic fatigue syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Honestly, 6yrs or more of those symptoms would drive anyone up a wall.

Are you doing something to improve it ?

 

It does sound to me that your sister basically tried to be nice and helpfull and then had a change of heart, and became somewhat of a b*tch.

The problem is that she does not owe you anything, and you don't owe her anything either.

As someone else mentioned, she is not your mother, and having gone for a long time [not to mention not having a close relationship], she does not sound like your sister that much.

This is the constant problem of having to rely on others, they can pull that support whenever they want.

 

I don't know about weather it's your disease or not at fault here, but you also should have waited for a return call, and not argued with her in her own home.

You should have left then and there, and ended it like that.

[CC12]

ok. honestly - if you met me in real life - and I explained to you the situation Ive been in - you would understand. you would also see that I dont actually have this attitude of woe is me - its just that - well - woe IS me to a degree!

 

So my assessment that you have a "woe is me" attitude IS true - to a degree. So maybe there's also a bit of "I am owed help" in there, too?

 

In terms of my sis and the issue there - its not the fact that she blew up at me - its the surrounding issues - combined with her lack of meaningful apology or understanding of the situation I have been dealing with. Everybody has a bad day now and then - I get that. Everyone has problems too - and Ive encourgaed her to share hers with me because I can be quite good at helping people there. As I said - not many people have been through what I have. If you think its unbecoming to state that - so be it.

 

I just don't get what you expect your sister to do? You said she apologized but it wasn't meaningful enough? And she's also invited you back to her house, but you're too proud to accept it, even though it is really important that you stay in the city because your livelihood depends on it. And still, you're angry that she's not understanding enough or helping you out enough or something.

 

 

 

No - I think you are extrapolating out more than is there - honestly.

 

This is possible.

[sb129]

As I said - not many people have been through what I have. If you think its unbecoming to state that - so be it.

 

Lots of people have it far worse actually. Your situation is by no means unique.

 

It does sound to me that your sister basically tried to be nice and helpfull and then had a change of heart, and became somewhat of a b*tch.

.

 

You also haven't heard her side of the story- everyone has limits and perhaps after a time she decided that she didn't want a regular houseguest after all.

 

As you all said- she doesn't owe the OP anything and is entitled to live her own life.

[SWAN808]

OP, your post does sound like that of a mooch.

I have never heard of this, so i looked it up on wiki : Chronic fatigue syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Honestly, 6yrs or more of those symptoms would drive anyone up a wall.

Are you doing something to improve it ?

 

It does sound to me that your sister basically tried to be nice and helpfull and then had a change of heart, and became somewhat of a b*tch.

The problem is that she does not owe you anything, and you don't owe her anything either.

As someone else mentioned, she is not your mother, and having gone for a long time [not to mention not having a close relationship], she does not sound like your sister that much.

This is the constant problem of having to rely on others, they can pull that support whenever they want.

 

I don't know about weather it's your disease or not at fault here, but you also should have waited for a return call, and not argued with her in her own home.

You should have left then and there, and ended it like that.

 

Hi - Im in the UK and we dont really use the term mooch - but I think I get what its about. I think you are probably right - that my post sounds like that - but its not really the truth. Im just upset about this situation - and I wrote shorthand describing it - so its focussed in a certain way.

 

I never really expected to spend that much time there as I expected to have my own place - and was not sure what to expect from a sister. We grew up quite seperately and have been more like cousins in a way.

 

Thanks for making the effort to read a bit about CFS - yes its a real bummer - very debilitating with no easy answers about how to recover. I studied biology and immunology at college and have been working on it for years. Ive made some progress and also was lucky enough to get involved in one of the best clinics in the UK who employed me as much part time work as I could manage. They have a team of people who have recovered so its quite an inspiring place to be a part of.

 

She did try to be nice and was great for a while, but then I think because the condition can last for a bit, she got worried and then cooled off a bit. I think she was panicked that I wanted to move in - which I didnt - I just needed a leg up - to get my own place again. But it takes time when you are not well to find somewhere.

 

I do feel angry about needing to rely on her - and would rather not at the moment to be honest. Im not sure about me feeling like she has to mother me - Im just looking for a place to stay whilst I try to get on my feet. Maybe I need to think about that tho. Thing is its physically impossible for me to find somewhere without having a base from which to look. My only other option is to sell some of my stuff and raise some money for a short term let.

 

Bear in mind I didnt argue with her in her home - I just pointed out Id had some pretty bad news to try to urge her to take it easy.

[SWAN808]

Lots of people have it far worse actually. Your situation is by no means unique.

 

You also haven't heard her side of the story- everyone has limits and perhaps after a time she decided that she didn't want a regular houseguest after all.

 

As you all said- she doesn't owe the OP anything and is entitled to live her own life.

 

I dont think I stated anywhere that my situation was unique - I just said its very difficult - and sometimes when things are difficult you need some help. I know plenty of people with CFS whos symptoms are far worse than mine - but then again - they have not attempted to live without help as I have for the last years-most often they have lived with their parents. I cant do that because I was a boarding school kid-I dont have a home really to speak of where I grew up. If someone is going to give me a leg up-it kind of has to be a friend or a sibling in the city.

 

I accept she needs to live her own life and I said that to her - which is why I understood her requests for space - and explained it to others such as my parents who hoped she might help me a bit. the problem is - if she needed to change the situation - I could have just used some more time or flexibility to be able to respond on my side. I always said to her I did not want her to be uncomfortable with me staying - so to just discuss it with me. she came to a decision quite quickly and didnt leave me any time to respond. Bear in mind I cant just go and kip on a friends sofa because Im not well enough.

 

Ive probably tarnished everyones view of me and the situation with that first post - however - my sister herself realises she has slightly messed up and is trying to make up for it. Yes she may not 'owe' me anything but she is my sister and she loves me.

On my side - I would like to get over it - but to be honest it cut quite deep and Im having problems getting over it - and thats why I wanted to post here for advice. Its hardly the most ungratifying request...

Edited February 20, 2013 by SWAN808

[sb129]

As I said - not many people have been through what I have.

 

That suggests you think that its either unique or worse than what other people go through.

 

Chronic illness is a bummer, thats undeniable, but IME some people (not all) with chronic illnesses or disabilities can have a tendency to become quite self absorbed as they try to deal with their situation.

 

I've seen it many times.

I'm not sure what the answer is, as its understandable that someone can get so caught up in their own situation, especially when it is more of struggle than the average persons.

[SWAN808]

That suggests you think that its either unique or worse than what other people go through.

 

haha! Or its just a statement of fact! There are not that many people who suffer from severely debilitating chronic illnesses - but if there are some here please do chip in as I am genuinely interested. CFS cases are about one in a hundred. Not that many people.

 

 

Chronic illness is a bummer, thats undeniable, but IME some people (not all) with chronic illnesses or disabilities can have a tendency to become quite self absorbed as they try to deal with their situation.

 

I've seen it many times.

I'm not sure what the answer is, as its understandable that someone can get so caught up in their own situation, especially when it is more of struggle than the average persons.

 

Yes its certainly a bummer. And you are right - people can get self absorbed in it. In this instance -from the start I have placed a strong emphasis on my sisters needs and been very considerate in terms of how I have behaved generally-with a few occasional slip ups. I probably havent stated much in my posts - but in fact I have spoken with her and made an effort to understand her side of the story. In fact - I have been the one explaining her case to others when they were surprised that I was not able to stay more.

 

Its so boring this because Im now just firefighting - Ill learn next time to explain my case much better in my opening post. And people are making pop psychology comments which really arent that valid. Its my own fault tho really.

Edited February 20, 2013 by SWAN808

[CC12]

Its so boring this because Im now just firefighting

 

It's called "backpedaling."

[SWAN808]

It's called "backpedaling."

 

not really - Ive not reversed anything I said - its just I probably did not say/explain enough-and focussed on what I was upset about without giving enough context.

Edited February 20, 2013 by SWAN808

[Janesays]

No matter how "hard" you think your life is, it's still not your sisters job to take care of you.

 

I was totally homeless when I was a teenager, well into miserably cold weather, and not only did I have no one to take care of me, but I didn't expect it. So I'm sorry, but it's kind of hard for me to hear you sit here and whine that you 'caaaannnt' live in the country because you 'won't get to see your mates!'

 

Sleep in the street in freezing weather for a few months and then tell me why your parents house isn't good enough and how you are 'owed' your sister's help and spare bedroom.

 

At least you have parents and a sister willing to do help you. Even if you believe you're entitled to more. Remember: some people have no one and get nothing but what they earn themselves.

[Els]

I think you have every right to feel unhappy because of your situation - the part where you go wrong is where you seem to believe that everyone must help you because 'your problems are so much bigger than theirs'. Your sister likely has problems of her own - perhaps not a chronic illness, but those aren't the only problems in the world. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you didn't NEED her to take care of you, you actually had a place to stay in the country but you didn't want to live there because 'you're a city guy'. Well, that's totally on you, and not related to your illness at all. I could perhaps understand if you would have starved to death on the streets when she kicked you out... but living in the country? Seriously, deal with it.

[Els]

haha! Or its just a statement of fact! There are not that many people who suffer from severely debilitating chronic illnesses - but if there are some here please do chip in as I am genuinely interested. CFS cases are about one in a hundred. Not that many people.

 

Really, so all the people living with diabetes, heart failure, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, lupus, cancer, AIDS... they all have it so much easier than CFS? How about the people working 16 hours a day because if they don't they and their children will starve to death? How about the people dealing with the pain of losing a spouse of 30 years, or the pain of watching their child die?

 

Frankly despite your chronic illness (that I would choose over cancer anyday) you have life much better than many others' because you have people who love you and are willing to take care of you, and you're not even bed-ridden or disabled technically if you can still go out and have fun with your mates. And you're not even grateful for that.

[UpwardForward]

Yes, I would think if you were really that sick and fatigued you would welcome the place in the country rather than all the Tiring travel and determination to live with others.

 

Also keeping your self in one place (in the country) would allow you the opportunity to work on/reflect on yourself - your illness/recovery - rather than flopping around - and with determination of intervening in other lives.

 

Even if your brother-in-law, aunt, friends love having you around, how are you helping yourself toward recovery with this lifestyle of jumping around.

Edited February 20, 2013 by UpwardForward