lcs Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 I would like to know from you guys out there who have been Dumpers, why would nt you guys initiate contact with the dumpee ?? ( let s say the dumpee's conversation door is open ) Link to post Share on other sites
Life'sGood Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 I was a dumper, the first few months, he initiated contacts. I was trying to be hard and not go back into the relationship. another few months after, I initiated contact because I want to know how he's doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lcs Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 I was a dumper' date=' the first few months, he initiated contacts. I was trying to be hard and not go back into the relationship. another few months after, I initiated contact because I want to know how he's doing.[/quote'] Was it because u miss him or u just do it curiously ?? because many people, even i , thinks when the dumper initiates contact it means ( maybe we can start talking and create another relationship again ) .. but in your case, what was the purpose ? Link to post Share on other sites
lullaby Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 I've been on both sides When I was the dumper, he contacted me a month after the BU. And then, months later, I stumbled upon him on the train, and then felt the need to call him, so I did, we hooked up a couple of times but we never got back. Then I was the dumpee, and the dumper called me two months after the BU. And we continue on and off for two years until I put an end to it, just because it was what I was supposed to do, and I do still love him and miss him desperately. It's true that there's a sort of pattern and the dumpee is usually the one to make contact first. I don't know why that is. I guess, if I think of the moment I was the dumper, I didn't want to call him to create false hope and didn't want to hurt him anymore, I was feeling guilty for ending the relationship. Maybe that's the reason, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lullaby Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 like your signature Thanks!! Link to post Share on other sites
aliceinthebox Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 A bit of pride. Link to post Share on other sites
thekarmacist Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 i never initiate contact or respond to contact because i'm still pissed and disappointed with my selfish, unsupportive ex. you know you're really angry when you don't even want to talk or fight. it's dunzo- why bother create more stress for myself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Carwhisperer Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I've been on both sides I didn't want to call him to create false hope and didn't want to hurt him anymore, I was feeling guilty for ending the relationship. Maybe that's the reason, right? I agree. I broke up with someone last night. Today was hell for me, and I'm sure it was for her too. I wanted to call her or drive over so bad, just to see how she was doing, if maybe I could make it better. But it probably would just make it worse. I wish someone I respect would tell me to go back to her. I would do it in a second. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I've been the dumpee more times than not and haven't broken NC first. Because the combination of the dumper completely lying, being cruel and lying to cover up their cheating and even harassing me. Unfortunately these people will do everything possible to stop you finding out the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lcs Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 I agree. I broke up with someone last night. Today was hell for me, and I'm sure it was for her too. I wanted to call her or drive over so bad, just to see how she was doing, if maybe I could make it better. But it probably would just make it worse. I wish someone I respect would tell me to go back to her. I would do it in a second. So as I can See , The Dumper at the other hand is feeling the same as the dumpee , sometimes the dumpee want to call or text , but choose instead to go No contact.. You Miss the dumpee , right ? .. I have a question for you, If the person you dump call you right now and ask you to get back together , what would you do ? Link to post Share on other sites
fungusamungus Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) You are putting yourself into a really tough spot right now. You're basically trying to rationalize why your ex isn't reaching out to you. That is a very slippery slope because there is no limit to how much you can put your mind to that and that is the very type of thing that will consume your thoughts and keep you from healing and moving on. It's one thing when your ex gives you false hope, it's a different thing altogether when you are desperately trying to give yourself false hope. My number 1 reason for not contacting an ex, or to limit contact with them after a breakup is very simple... I don't really see any good that comes out of it. If the dumpee doesn't want me back, they're just going to be confused and frustrated if I reach out (which doesn't make things better for anyone). If they DO want me back, not only are they going to be confused, they're going to overanalyze and read into things because they are still very emotionally invested. And because of that I do not want to lead them on and hurt them more than I already have. But, if I gave myself time to go clear my head and realized that I wanted them back, I would be the one to open the line of communication if there wasn't one already open. I definitely would not be waiting around for the person I dumped to beg, I'm not that narcissistic. Edited February 22, 2013 by fungusamungus 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lullaby Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 My number 1 reason for not contacting an ex, or to limit contact with them after a breakup is very simple... I don't really see any good that comes out of it. If the dumpee doesn't want me back, they're just going to be confused and frustrated if I reach out (which doesn't make things better for anyone). If they DO want me back, not only are they going to be confused, they're going to overanalyze and read into things because they are still very emotionally invested. And because of that I do not want to lead them on and hurt them more than I already have. But, if I gave myself time to go clear my head and realized that I wanted them back, I would be the one to open the line of communication if there wasn't one already open. I definitely would not be waiting around for the person I dumped to beg, I'm not that narcissistic. This is so true. It's difficult on both sides, because even if you're the dumper, it does hurt too. Maybe it looks easier but it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Carwhisperer Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 So as I can See , The Dumper at the other hand is feeling the same as the dumpee , sometimes the dumpee want to call or text , but choose instead to go No contact.. You Miss the dumpee , right ? .. I have a question for you, If the person you dump call you right now and ask you to get back together , what would you do ? I would absolutely take her back. In fact, I started another thread about it and as a matter of fact, I have asked her to take me back. However, she had already come up with reasons of her own why it wouldn't have worked for us. Last night at Starbuck's I told her I am not the type to beg but in this case I was. She said she will consider it. She came over today and I worked on her truck. She is going to clean my house next week for payment. I said some things to her at the BU that were really hurtful. I didn't want to hurt her but I did. Also, however, I told her about a key difference in our spiritual beliefs. She is having trouble with that too. Obviously every situation is different but having been the dumper several times I feel like s*** every time and would do just about anything to make the girl feel better, including going back. But I do realize that going back is fraught with peril, including the chance for even more hurt later. I also strive to let her down easy, but with that you run the risk of sending mixed signals. Good luck to you and I am sorry that you are hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Even if you do contact the dumper, it seems highly unlikely you will ever get an answer, let alone a recon. At best they'll use you for sex. Link to post Share on other sites
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