The SOONER you STOP the BETTER

[marklarsson]

This is to those who are wanting to 'win' their ex back.

i don't think there is anything there is anything wrong with wanting to win your ex back at times this works however when it doesn't the sooner you stop the better.

people say go NO Contact, which is good but this is for the people that fail to take that advice in the first place.

 

do not do things such as,

1) Bombard her with texts. if she did not reply to your first text don't send her the same one multiple times through out the day. wait a few days before sending another one. if she does not reply to that then stop texting

 

2)sent her flowers? once is enough don't keep sending her flowers

 

3) she tells you she is uncomfortable with you texting her or calling or sending gifts? apologize, stop and tell her you will not do it again

 

4)this is one of the most important once, if they are in a rebound relationship, completely leave them to it and do not get involved at all. this is because you do not want your ex to think that her relationship with other guy did not work out because you kept pestering her or them. you have to let the relationship run its course. most likely it will end as quick as it started but don't sit around waiting for it to

 

its ok to try for a bit especially if and only if the reason for the break up is because you was being distant or if you started to show less affection for what ever reason prior to the break up.

Emotions are flying high so don't expect your ex to be receptive to the things you do. she will reject them, she may call you names she may tell you to stop (which you should listen to). but just know that if she does decide to patch things up in the future she will most likely apologies for the way she reacted when you were trying to make a mends and fell bad that she shut you off like that.

 

give yourself a time frame maximum a month if you are going to try to win her back. i say a month because it has worked for me in the past. in the first week my ex though i was just doing it for the sake of winning her back and had no meaning behind it but when she saw i tried again a few weeks later she started to see that i really did want to get back with her and that i was serious even though she did not show it much. after that i went No Contact. and a few months later she called text me to talk things out.

 

IF you do try, dont do it forever. Stop and then Go No Contact. shes not going to forget that you tried if you do. and the leave the ball in her court. Do you really want someone that you had to force to be with you?

[AlexfromBoston]

This is to those who are wanting to 'win' their ex back.

i don't think there is anything there is anything wrong with wanting to win your ex back at times this works however when it doesn't the sooner you stop the better.

people say go NO Contact, which is good but this is for the people that fail to take that advice in the first place.

 

do not do things such as,

1) Bombard her with texts. if she did not reply to your first text don't send her the same one multiple times through out the day. wait a few days before sending another one. if she does not reply to that then stop texting

 

2)sent her flowers? once is enough don't keep sending her flowers

 

3) she tells you she is uncomfortable with you texting her or calling or sending gifts? apologize, stop and tell her you will not do it again

 

4)this is one of the most important once, if they are in a rebound relationship, completely leave them to it and do not get involved at all. this is because you do not want your ex to think that her relationship with other guy did not work out because you kept pestering her or them. you have to let the relationship run its course. most likely it will end as quick as it started but don't sit around waiting for it to

 

its ok to try for a bit especially if and only if the reason for the break up is because you was being distant or if you started to show less affection for what ever reason prior to the break up.

Emotions are flying high so don't expect your ex to be receptive to the things you do. she will reject them, she may call you names she may tell you to stop (which you should listen to). but just know that if she does decide to patch things up in the future she will most likely apologies for the way she reacted when you were trying to make a mends and fell bad that she shut you off like that.

 

give yourself a time frame maximum a month if you are going to try to win her back. i say a month because it has worked for me in the past. in the first week my ex though i was just doing it for the sake of winning her back and had no meaning behind it but when she saw i tried again a few weeks later she started to see that i really did want to get back with her and that i was serious even though she did not show it much. after that i went No Contact. and a few months later she called text me to talk things out.

 

IF you do try, dont do it forever. Stop and then Go No Contact. shes not going to forget that you tried if you do. and the leave the ball in her court. Do you really want someone that you had to force to be with you?

 

Love your post Mark but I want to add one little thing. Immediately following the breakup, I feel like it's important to lay it on thick and truly attempt to win her back. Do this to the point where she is starting to get annoyed then back off. Essentially you are going 0-60 and then cranking on the brakes...and then disappear from her life. A few weeks later send an "agreement with the breakup letter" and let her contact you. You are essentially playing with her emotions and making her second guess her decision. She'll think, "damn, did he find someone else? Why is he so cool with this after a week of pleading?". WHen she contacts you play it cool and don't jump to her texts or calls. Don't wait a whole day to contact her back either. If she truly loved you, she will come back. If it was a 3 month fling...sorry guys, you were a product of a cruel sexual tryst. And please don't be a scumbag like me and get back with your girl out of sheer selfishness. Only utilize these techniques if you are willing to change for the better. GOOD LUCK ALL!!!

[marklarsson]

Love your post Mark but I want to add one little thing. Immediately following the breakup, I feel like it's important to lay it on thick and truly attempt to win her back. Do this to the point where she is starting to get annoyed then back off. Essentially you are going 0-60 and then cranking on the brakes...and then disappear from her life. A few weeks later send an "agreement with the breakup letter" and let her contact you. You are essentially playing with her emotions and making her second guess her decision. She'll think, "***, did he find someone else? Why is he so cool with this after a week of pleading?". WHen she contacts you play it cool and don't jump to her texts or calls. Don't wait a whole day to contact her back either. If she truly loved you, she will come back. If it was a 3 month fling...sorry guys, you were a product of a cruel sexual tryst. And please don't be a scumbag like me and get back with your girl out of sheer selfishness. Only utilize these techniques if you are willing to change for the better. GOOD LUCK ALL!!!

 

i totally agree with you on this one. if you truley want her back you have to show her and based on her repsonse if shes still not receptive completely back off and then as you said after a week no more because you dont want it to drag on. text her or write an email saying something like "you accept the break up, you are making changes, you want to give her space and that if she wants to contact you she can and that even though you do want her back you are not going to be waiting around for her".

 

this shows that you are ready to move on if she does not come back but at the same time you are leaving the door a little open to show that she can make an attempt to call you or reach out

[fungusamungus]

Love your post Mark but I want to add one little thing. Immediately following the breakup, I feel like it's important to lay it on thick and truly attempt to win her back. Do this to the point where she is starting to get annoyed then back off. Essentially you are going 0-60 and then cranking on the brakes...and then disappear from her life. A few weeks later send an "agreement with the breakup letter" and let her contact you. You are essentially playing with her emotions and making her second guess her decision. She'll think, "damn, did he find someone else? Why is he so cool with this after a week of pleading?". WHen she contacts you play it cool and don't jump to her texts or calls. Don't wait a whole day to contact her back either. If she truly loved you, she will come back. If it was a 3 month fling...sorry guys, you were a product of a cruel sexual tryst. And please don't be a scumbag like me and get back with your girl out of sheer selfishness. Only utilize these techniques if you are willing to change for the better. GOOD LUCK ALL!!!

You do realize that ploys like that don't really work on intelligent, well-adjusted women, right?

 

"Agreement with the breakup letter"? :laugh: What online guide did you get that one out of? Do you know what happens when a girl gets a "agreement with the breakup letter" a few weeks after the guy pathetically begged and pleaded? The exact same thing you would do if you broke up with a girl, and she begged and pleaded and then sent one a few weeks later. Sit there confused as to why they're bothering to send one in the first place. It doesn't make her think that you're over it or that you've moved on, it just proves that you haven't. It's non-committal middle ground. Women and men aren't really THAT much different, and not all women are emotional trainwrecks after breakups. You know how to make a girl wonder if you've found someone else? Stay out of their lives long enough for them to actually believe that you're over them... because truth is, if you were in a relationship was well worth preserving... you're not going to be over them in a few weeks, especially if you were so desperate and needy to beg and plead when they dumped you, and "agreeing with the breakup", comes across as very transparent moment that once she gets the idea you are trying to play them, you're basically ****ed.

 

I remember the last ex that I got back together with. Basically, I sacked up, and got over it... 5 months, and 1 casual sex relationship with a different girl later. We didn't talk for a good 4 months straight but because of that, I actually moved on and stopped trying to get her back, either openly or passive aggressively (which is what you are suggesting). It makes a world of difference because you cease the expectations and you stop overanalyzing everything they do. And after that things were easy, it was easy to become friends again... it was easy to start flirting with her again because the pressure was off and the expectation was gone, and it was easy to reach the balance of showing enough attention whilst not being overbearing or constantly available, because I had a lot of things going on in my life that I had prioritized during the time that we were apart. And lo and behold, she started to like me again without any faking or manipulation required.

Edited February 22, 2013 by fungusamungus

[marklarsson]

You do realize that ploys like that don't really work on intelligent, well-adjusted women, right?

 

"Agreement with the breakup letter"? :laugh: What online guide did you get that one out of? Do you know what happens when a girl gets a "agreement with the breakup letter" a few weeks after the guy pathetically begged and pleaded? The exact same thing you would do if you broke up with a girl, and she begged and pleaded and then sent one a few weeks later. Sit there confused as to why they're bothering to send one in the first place. It doesn't make her think that you're over it or that you've moved on, it just proves that you haven't. It's non-committal middle ground. Women and men aren't really THAT much different, and not all women are emotional trainwrecks after breakups. You know how to make a girl wonder if you've found someone else? Stay out of their lives long enough for them to actually believe that you're over them... because truth is, if you were in a relationship was well worth preserving... you're not going to be over them in a few weeks, especially if you were so desperate and needy to beg and plead when they dumped you, and "agreeing with the breakup", comes across as very transparent moment that once she gets the idea you are trying to play them, you're basically ****ed.

 

I remember the last ex that I got back together with. Basically, I sacked up, and got over it... 5 months, and 1 casual sex relationship with a different girl later. We didn't talk for a good 4 months straight but because of that, I actually moved on and stopped trying to get her back, either openly or passive aggressively (which is what you are suggesting). It makes a world of difference because you cease the expectations and you stop overanalyzing everything they do. And after that things were easy, it was easy to become friends again... it was easy to start flirting with her again because the pressure was off and the expectation was gone, and it was easy to reach the balance of showing enough attention whilst not being overbearing or constantly available, because I had a lot of things going on in my life that I had prioritized during the time that we were apart. And lo and behold, she started to like me again without any faking or manipulation required.

 

It is not just an agreement with the break up letter, it's more of saying that your are taken or have taken steps to change and better yourself. But now these words alone by them self do no mean anything at the time. It is highly likely that the ex will think you are just saying it which is fine. Most ex's do not believe anything that their ex tells them after the break up. But combine this with them actually seeing change in you when and if they do actually see you will show them that you were actually serious about with you said and it will also provide them with a mental time scale of how long you have been working on yourself and this new person was not just someone you decided to be 1 weeks ago

 

An example I will give you. I was a bit of a player before meeting one of my ex's, she was fully aware of this when we started going out but I really feel for her. But after we broke up she instantaneously felt I will revert back to my player ways. So anything I said she did not believe at all. But it didn't stop me from saying it. When she met me a few months down the line she asked me what I had been doing and I told her of all the improvements I had been doing and work etc. and then she realised I was serious back them when I said those things. She wanted to get back and we did

[pandora_be]

I told her of all the improvements I had been doing and work etc. and then she realised I was serious back them when I said those things. She wanted to get back and we did

 

Honestly in my opinion there is no way to break-up unless you are living together or got married. Anything else is just some kind of very close friends / friends with benefits / regular casual sex... whatever. If at some point one of both needs more freedom (sees no future or has less need to see the other, whatever) - you should not bother and continue your life with other people who want to spend time with you and please you and have fun with you. Both sexually and as a friend.

At some point your special partner might come back, or you will feel that you would like to talk to her again. This mindset keeps the dynamic open and you will have a happier life alltogether. One of your friends / partners in time will stay, this is without any doubt if you don't act desperate to keep them around. Remember, people who invest energy to be around you are more valuable than people you have to invest energy to be around. especially after breakup with someone special who does not want to invest energy around you anymore: you need to be around people who invest energy in you and thus make you feel better. So more people will want to be around you and maybe also your special GF.

If your previous girl/mate/GF whatever was that special to you already, you would have had the guts to get married or ask her to live together. If of course you were married or have lived together, it is a different story. And I do not have any experience with that.

[fungusamungus]

It is not just an agreement with the break up letter, it's more of saying that your are taken or have taken steps to change and better yourself. But now these words alone by them self do no mean anything at the time. It is highly likely that the ex will think you are just saying it which is fine. Most ex's do not believe anything that their ex tells them after the break up. But combine this with them actually seeing change in you when and if they do actually see you will show them that you were actually serious about with you said and it will also provide them with a mental time scale of how long you have been working on yourself and this new person was not just someone you decided to be 1 weeks ago

That's different from an "agreeing with the breakup letter" sent with the intent to make your ex believe that you're over them or have moved on in a matter of a few weeks.

[marklarsson]

That's different from an "agreeing with the breakup letter" sent with the intent to make your ex believe that you're over them or have moved on in a matter of a few weeks.

 

saying you are making changes and will like to have them back doesn't mean you are not over them. the best way to get back with an ex is to initially be over them first. that way you are thinking rationally and you are sure that you made the changes for yourself first of all. and they will benefit from that if they get with you.

 

i think if you are unable to get back with your ex in like a month then you have to get over them. and what ever happens happens

[pandora_be]

i think if you are unable to get back with your ex in like a month then you have to get over them. and what ever happens happens

 

No not really 1 month I guess,

 

within one month after you are over them (after NC for a while - it totally depends on you) and you decide to go back together and started to contact her again. Within one month you should have reattracted her to you. That means showed your interest but make her do most of the work.

[marklarsson]

No not really 1 month I guess,

 

within one month after you are over them (after NC for a while - it totally depends on you) and you decide to go back together and started to contact her again. Within one month you should have reattracted her to you. That means showed your interest but make her do most of the work.

 

That's if they are not already in a rebound ofcorse

[fungusamungus]

saying you are making changes and will like to have them back doesn't mean you are not over them. the best way to get back with an ex is to initially be over them first. that way you are thinking rationally and you are sure that you made the changes for yourself first of all. and they will benefit from that if they get with you.

Telling your ex that you are making changes, at it's core, shows that you are not over them. Why? Because you are approval-seeking. You are seeking for a response from them, otherwise you wouldn't bother doing it. If one was "thinking rationally", they would realize this and not bother with such nonsense in the first place. You are trying to prove something TO THEM.

i think if you are unable to get back with your ex in like a month then you have to get over them. and what ever happens happens

Why a month? That is a very arbitrary time window. Whatever happens happens, regardless of time frame.

 

I don't even talk to an ex within a month of the breakup because emotions are still running high during those times. And sure, you COULD get back together in that time when you're both still high strung, but what inevitably happens? Toxic emotional baggage is brought into the relationship. The goal here is not to get back with an ex, that's a very short term, impatient goal and the reason why these types of reconciliations don't last. To a woman, one month is not enough time for them to even rebuild enough trust in you to believe that you have changed anything, despite how you might act in front of them. And this is all dependent on why you broke up.

[marklarsson]

Telling your ex that you are making changes, at it's core, shows that you are not over them. Why? Because you are approval-seeking. You are seeking for a response from them, otherwise you wouldn't bother doing it. If one was "thinking rationally", they would realize this and not bother with such nonsense in the first place. You are trying to prove something TO THEM.

 

Why a month? That is a very arbitrary time window. Whatever happens happens, regardless of time frame.

up.

 

This is why I said to do it within the initial time of the break up because you are not over them, if you really loved them you won't be over them that quickly. And they themselves are not over you in that time too. The months is for your own personal as in you should not keep trying to win them back after this time frame has passed.

[na49]

If I've been NC for 3+ months, but still want her back. Should I give it a try? I'm still emotional, but not nearly as emotional as I was once she broke up with me. I never truly "fought" for her. If I am going to, what exactly should I say?

[Simon Phoenix]

If I've been NC for 3+ months, but still want her back. Should I give it a try? I'm still emotional, but not nearly as emotional as I was once she broke up with me. I never truly "fought" for her. If I am going to, what exactly should I say?

 

She cheated on you na, then insulted you. Come on man.

[marklarsson]

She cheated on you na, then insulted you. Come on man.

 

If she cheated on you the. She should be the one dough the fighting. Stay no contact

[McDonald]

my gf broke up with me about 2 months ago. She tried to be my friend but ended up stringing me along with things such as I hope we get back together... then she started dating someone else 2 weeks after the break up.

 

I am upset at her.. but I do want to try to win her back. I have been NC for about a month now.

 

Shes really showing that she has moved on with pics of them two kissing etc. Should I attempt to win her back?

 

She already knows how much I care... Ive told her a good amount during the break up.

[Simon Phoenix]

If she cheated on you the. She should be the one dough the fighting. Stay no contact

 

She should be doing more than fighting. She should be begging, pleading, licking his feet. And he should still tell her to get lost.

[Simon Phoenix]

my gf broke up with me about 2 months ago. She tried to be my friend but ended up stringing me along with things such as I hope we get back together... then she started dating someone else 2 weeks after the break up.

 

I am upset at her.. but I do want to try to win her back. I have been NC for about a month now.

 

Shes really showing that she has moved on with pics of them two kissing etc. Should I attempt to win her back?

 

She already knows how much I care... Ive told her a good amount during the break up.

 

If she's with another guy, no. You are going to come off as the psycho ex.

[McDonald]

She left me for the other guy.. she just couldnt tell me...

 

Tell me we cant talk.. then tries to text me... but I stay NC becuase like shes crazy..

 

Shes the psycho one lol... but your right..I guess I shouldnt go down to her level.

 

Funny how that works.. How easily it could become "our" fault.

Edited February 24, 2013 by McDonald

[Simon Phoenix]

She left me for the other guy.. she just couldnt tell me...

 

Tell me we cant talk.. then tries to text me... but I stay NC becuase like shes crazy..

 

Shes the psycho one lol... but your right..I guess I shouldnt go down to her level.

 

Funny how that works.. How easily it could become "our" fault.

 

Yeah, when I said "the psycho ex" that was from her perspective. I wasn't calling you psycho. But yeah, there's really nothing you can do right now except work on yourself. She's with another dude, only think you can possibly do right now is drive her further away from you and closer to him. Not what you want to hear I'm sure, but it's what you need to hear.

[McDonald]

I understood what you meant dont worry and I also understand what you mean about pushing her further away..

 

Its nice to hear someone from a different perspective other than the usual "NC and thats it" lol

 

However, I do also recognize the importance of NC. But its like, what do I want out of this whole thing? Im still trying to figure that out.

[Simon Phoenix]

I understood what you meant dont worry and I also understand what you mean about pushing her further away..

 

Its nice to hear someone from a different perspective other than the usual "NC and thats it" lol

 

However, I do also recognize the importance of NC. But its like, what do I want out of this whole thing? Im still trying to figure that out.

 

I'm pretty close to NC and that's it. But I think you need to use NC to work on your own s--t, and to get yourself to where you don't need your ex to be happy. And if you don't know what to do, stay NC. Don't break NC to be wishy-washy.

 

I'm five months NC and I'm finally to the point where I realize that she would just be a bonus, but I don't need her to be happy. I was happy before her, I'm happy now and I'll be happy whether she's around or not. I finally feel I can contact her and a) put my best foot forward and more importantly b) not really care what the result is. Whether I do contact her or not is another matter, but I finally feel that I "want" my ex, not that I "need" her. And that's an important distinction.

Edited February 24, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[McDonald]

I'm pretty close to NC and that's it. But I think you need to use NC to work on your own s--t, and to get yourself to where you don't need your ex to be happy. And if you don't know what to do, stay NC. Don't break NC to be wishy-washy.

 

I'm five months NC and I'm finally to the point where I realize that she would just be a bonus, but I don't need her to be happy. I was happy before her, I'm happy now and I'll be happy whether she's around or not. I finally feel I can contact her and a) put my best foot forward and more importantly b) not really care what the result is. Whether I do contact her or not is another matter, but I finally feel that I "want" my ex, not that I "need" her. And that's an important distinction.

 

You make a great point. I've been trying to tell myself it's a want now, but there is still a need. So I need to get that away. I just feel pressured because of the other guy in play. Like its all done with, if I message I could get hurt; but if I wait the door will completely close? Does it even matter?

 

Firs loves suck. They almost make it seem pointless to begin with

[Simon Phoenix]

You make a great point. I've been trying to tell myself it's a want now, but there is still a need. So I need to get that away. I just feel pressured because of the other guy in play. Like its all done with, if I message I could get hurt; but if I wait the door will completely close? Does it even matter?

 

Firs loves suck. They almost make it seem pointless to begin with

 

Yeah, there's no shot clock or time limit to this stuff. That's where people screw up, both in reconciling and in healing. I know I have done that in the past.

[na49]

You make a great point. I've been trying to tell myself it's a want now, but there is still a need. So I need to get that away. I just feel pressured because of the other guy in play. Like its all done with, if I message I could get hurt; but if I wait the door will completely close? Does it even matter?

 

Firs loves suck. They almost make it seem pointless to begin with

 

I agree with Simon. If she's with someone and you start messaging her, you only push her closer to him. When I was with my ex, her previous ex was still contacting her. It didn't make her want him more. It drew her closer to me because she was telling me everything he was doing, and I was telling her "He's a clown. Tell him to stop messaging you!" (of course they're still friends because she stays friends with all of her ex boyfriends except for me because I'm such a bad guy )

 

Also I'm confused. You're worried about the door closing? If she's not dating you and is dating someone else, I think the door is closed already. Doesn't mean the door can't open again, but you shouldn't worry about that.

 

Now if only I can take my own advice..