Is this what a MAN OF THE HOUSE suppose to be like?

[Faye]

Maybe someone can give me some advice. I have been living with this guy since 1991. He is 36, I am 34. We share a child together. To make a long story short, he has been unfaithful, controlling, and abusive through out the years. Throughout the years, I have managed to cope. I worked full time and pursued my education. I just recently earned my Master's. He feels I do not value his opinions and he does not feel like the man of the house. In fact, he tells me God created a KINGDOM not a QUEENDOM. We argue about the correct discipline for our child. He yells and uses harsh language when he communicate to our son. I feel this is unnecessary. I constantly explain to him that he needs to focus on his behavior so he can be a good model for our son. He tell me I just making excuses and I not letting him be the man. I think the problem is that he is mad with himself for wasting majority of his life on getting stone and hanging with thugs. So he latches out at the people he should be supportive of, his FAMILY. I pay all of the household bills. He want the title, but do not want to play the role of the King. This is one man that should be proud and lucky to have a good woman by his side. But he is letting his controlling ways ruin everything. My question to you all, what should I do? Am I wrong? Just recently I just purchase a new car, with my own money I saved. He became extremely mad because I did not get his approval or consult with him. He became abusive, by intimidating me. Everyday he is always on our son about something. How should I handle this?

[HokeyReligions]

I don't mean to be harsh, but it takes two to tango. It sounds like you need to get some outside help to understand and deal with the situation. I don't mean an internet board, although this is a good place to talk about things and get some suggestions, but I mean a counselor who will work with you, on your problems, face-to-face. If your husband doesn't want to go to a marriage counselor with you, you can go alone for a while. It may take some time to find a counselor that you are comfortable with and confident in, but once you find one to help you understand your behavior and his behavior and guide you in making whatever changes you want to make in yourself, it will be worth the effort.

 

A lot depends on your culture and how your husband was raised too. His idea of "man of the house" and yours may have different connotations and expectations. Try the Marriage Builders <URL removed> website too. You may find some helpful information there.

 

It is very important that you agree on how to raise your child, and its a must that neither of you contradict the other in front of your child. You need to present a united front to him, and discuss your differences when its just the two of you, so that you can agree on compromises.

 

If there are issues of infidelity in your marriage -- well, that is a deal-breaker for a lot of people. Its difficult to work through that. You have the means to care for yourself and your child if you decide to divorce. If your husband is abusive my gut instinct is to say Leave Him. For your own safety and also so that your son does not grow up to think that his father's behavior and attitude are OK and goes on to treat his own wife the same way.

[Faye]

To HokeyReligions, you have some good insights. It is hard to understand the entire situation in just a few seconds. I basically have two problems, my son relationship with his father and his father relationship with me. This is a extremely stressful situation. You are extemely right, we have two different culture. He was raised in an violent environment where he got yelled at and beating. Though I was raised in Mississippi, I do beleive in discipline, the positive discipline. One thing about me is that I do not like to tangle.