b3rny Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 (edited) Sorry for the long story... Me and my partner have been together almost 16 months now and like any relationship we have had our ups and downs and pretty much weathered through the storm... However I think that something happened between him and another guy a few days ago and its been eating me up inside and led to some fights and a lot of revelations too. Anyways here is what happened: He went out last saturday night to gay club in a city that he has never been to, and got talking and made friends with some guy in this club. Noting happened that night, however the other guy offered to take him out the next day to show him the sights and for dinner. We are both normally quite friendly people and so I didnt see anything wrong there - after all I am due to meet my bf in a few days in this city. So on sunday my bf met this guy and the other guy took him to see the sights and then they ended up at (the other guys) house. I msged my bf to see how he was doing and he told me that he was at this guys house. I replied asking him how that happened and he ignored my message - again i didnt think much of it and thought that maybe he just did get round to replying. so a few hours later i sent another msg to my bf saying i was going to sleep and i hope he was enjoying his time - again no reply. The next morning I got a msg from the bf, with no mention of the night before, i asked him again about it to which he said it got really late and he had lots of fun and fell asleep there... I found this quite strange purely because my BF is not the sort of guy who would just go to some strange persons house, and secondly he would keep me posted if he was going to stay over because he is quite cautious. he then sent me another msg saying that because it got late, and the weather was bad, and cabs were expensive and he didnt want the other guy to drive after drinking (he later told me that they had only had 1 bottle of wine over several hours) in case something happened on the road... I replied saying that i found it quite odd behaviour from him that he met this random guy, and in less than 24hrs just stayed over at his house... my BF then went off on one saying that i was accusing him of doing something, and that he is allowed to have fun, etc.... basically he got really defensive with me and started bringing up lots of other stuff from our past together saying that he wouldnt mind if i stayed over etc.... he then put me through a massive guilt trip of accusing him, when he has not given me any reason to do so etc... yet all i did was convey to him that (a) i found it really strange that he just fell asleep, yet a few mins later he told me that he knew he was going to stay over and (b) that it made me really uncomfortable.. i never once mentioned that i thought that he had cheated or done something... we talked and have kinda smoothed things over, however in the back of my mind and my instinct just tells me that there is alot more to the situation that he is not telling me... my heart believes that nothing happened, yet my logical mind thinks that there is more, maybe he didnt want to tell me because he didnt want to fight, or maybe something did happen and he isnt telling me, and now i just keep on playing all these scenarios in my head.... a part of me wants to question him outright and i know that this will lead to a fight because he will get defensive and will lead to us potentially calling it quits (things have been a little rough this past few weeks), yet another part of my mind is saying that i should leave it alone for now, maybe be a little sneaky and go through his phone but mainly be hope that he does come clean.... I should also mention that in this relationship, he is the calm, composed one... the one who always looks at logic, the one who will have a go at me if i get him too worried because i have been out and he just wants to know that i am safe... yet when i said to him that i was worried, not because he stayed over but because he was in a strange city in a strange mans house, he went off on one on me and became extremely defensive and put me through a nightmare guilt trip... any advice please... its tearing me up inside.... Edited February 20, 2013 by b3rny Link to post Share on other sites
NervisPervis Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 He behaved exactly like someone would who found a new boy to play with. You had some VERY legitimate questions, yet he answers those accusations with accusations of his own instead of trying to help you through it. It's hard for a lot of us to translate our experiences into a gay one, and maybe this analogy doesn't fit perfectly. But if it was your girlfriend meeting up with a new guy the next day, spending the whole day with him, then spending the night with questionable cell phone activity and behavior the next day, there would be unanimous cries of CHEATER, POLYGRAPH, CHANGE THE LOCKS. If it was your GIRLFRIEND, that's what I'd be saying. But I don't know gay. Don't let him gaslight you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3rny Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 He behaved exactly like someone would who found a new boy to play with. You had some VERY legitimate questions, yet he answers those accusations with accusations of his own instead of trying to help you through it. It's hard for a lot of us to translate our experiences into a gay one, and maybe this analogy doesn't fit perfectly. But if it was your girlfriend meeting up with a new guy the next day, spending the whole day with him, then spending the night with questionable cell phone activity and behavior the next day, there would be unanimous cries of CHEATER, POLYGRAPH, CHANGE THE LOCKS. If it was your GIRLFRIEND, that's what I'd be saying. But I don't know gay. Don't let him gaslight you. The thing is even though we are gay - our relationship foundation (i guess) are based on a straight relationship i.e. we arent in an open relationship, and we dont sleep around with other people.... a part of me really wants to believe him, but another part (lets call it my gut instinct) is that something happened (maybe they didnt necessarily have sex) and instead of him responding to my msg in a calm and composed manner he became defensive from the moment go... he brought up lots of stuff from the past and used all of that to make me feel horrible that i suspected him... Now a few days later i look back and i have started seeing inconsistencies in all the things that he told me.... and the more i think about it, the more gaps i seem to discover... when i told him that i found his behavior odd - he responded by saying that just because he behaves in a certain manner all the time he occasionally like to behave out of the ordinary sometimes and that i just dont know him at all after all this time... i guess what got me thinking more and more is the 2 inconsistencies in the msgs about falling asleep followed by the weather, the wine, the expensive cab ride, etc... and then the defensiveness... i mean if nothing happened why would he get defensive.... i also found a new profile (without a pic and description) of someone who had exactly the same stats as his on a gay dating app within the same location to which i sent a msg... he then told me yesterday out of the blue, that he has deleted all the apps on his phone as he no longer uses them and so doesnt see the point in having them.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3rny Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 any advice anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 Follow your gut. #1) They shared a bottle of wine and THAT got them too hammered? #2) His story changed about wanting to spend the night and HAVING to because they were drunk and cabs being expensive BUT ABOVE ALL - Getting defensive and guilting you for asking questions is the biggest sign. Cheaters always do that -> they gaslight and they try to make the one that just got screwed over seem like the irrational psycho just for asking a question. A person who did no wrong, would gladly discuss things and offer answers. (even if they felt an accusation or found it insulting) a person with nothing to hide, would gladly show the flaws in the other's logic by offering the answers. Follow your gut. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3rny Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 Follow your gut. #1) They shared a bottle of wine and THAT got them too hammered? #2) His story changed about wanting to spend the night and HAVING to because they were drunk and cabs being expensive BUT ABOVE ALL - Getting defensive and guilting you for asking questions is the biggest sign. Cheaters always do that -> they gaslight and they try to make the one that just got screwed over seem like the irrational psycho just for asking a question. A person who did no wrong, would gladly discuss things and offer answers. (even if they felt an accusation or found it insulting) a person with nothing to hide, would gladly show the flaws in the other's logic by offering the answers. Follow your gut. well I'm flying out to the city to meet with him tomorrow and spend the weekend together... I guess maybe despite wanting to know the truth, a part of me doesn't want to believe it... or maybe I am over-reacting? I am really confused right now, things are ok-ish with us at the moment - but a deep down inside all I want is the truth... I know that if i did the same to him things would have been different, yet when I asked he made me feel as though I was wrong - and that to me is trying to hide your own guilt.... Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 He went home with a gay guy. Isn't it kind of obvious what happened? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 I assumed that OP was a gay male. So Op's bf is a gay male as well and so is this guy that the bf spent the night with.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3rny Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 I should clarify that we are both gay males... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 Boom!! Welcome to the world of cheaters.... Definitely. You do NOT get too drunk to drive, on HALF a bottle of wine. I'm a petite lady, and I don't drink as a rule, and let me tell you, I DO NOT get anywhere near tipsy on a half-bottle of wine. The best form of defence is attack. Honey - you bin had. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3rny Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 Boom!! Welcome to the world of cheaters.... Definitely. You do NOT get too drunk to drive, on HALF a bottle of wine. I'm a petite lady, and I don't drink as a rule, and let me tell you, I DO NOT get anywhere near tipsy on a half-bottle of wine. The best form of defence is attack. Honey - you bin had. How do I confront him? I'm seeing him tomorrow night and so far the approach that I have thought of is to sit him down and tell him that I feel that there are lots of inconsistencies in the story and I don't want to fight but I feel that I deserve to have fears addressed by him - I mean if you have a fear of spiders then you try and touch a spider to get rid of the fear and so I'm asking... A part of me doesn't believe that anything happened, and maybe he did just like the attention and what not, but another part of me (the logical) side thinks that you would not go to some random strangers house unless not knowing what the OP wanted... Maybe you had no intentions but the OP clearly did... I mean they were supposed to go sightseeing and for dinner but ended up at the strangers house and didn't even end up eating any food Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 Dude I am sorry. If something smells rotten in Denmark, there probably is. I'd go with your gut on this one. Mine has never steered me wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 I'm guessing he won't confess. He's already told you nothing happened and even got angry and defensive. So you either take him at his word and move on or allow this to eat you up inside. The thing about cheating that sucks the worst is, a lot of people go crazy because deep down they KNOW something is wrong yet can't really ever put their finger on it. I'm sorry. He went to a strange dude's place and ignored your texts til the next morning. That alone is unacceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3rny Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 Dude I am sorry. If something smells rotten in Denmark, there probably is. I'd go with your gut on this one. Mine has never steered me wrong. Denmark? I didn't say anything about Denmark.... But I see what you mean... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 ....Or you could get him quite tipsy and ask him then.... it's amazing what spills out when alcohol loosens the tongue.... But if you need to resort to such tactics, then truly, is it worth even asking? I mean, if you feel you really have to try to confirm his story - how much can you rely on things now? Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 Denmark? I didn't say anything about Denmark.... But I see what you mean... Oh honey, lol - it's an expression. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3rny Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 ....Or you could get him quite tipsy and ask him then.... it's amazing what spills out when alcohol loosens the tongue.... But if you need to resort to such tactics, then truly, is it worth even asking? I mean, if you feel you really have to try to confirm his story - how much can you rely on things now? I guess... Or maybe I am just over thinking everything and looking for something that isn't really there.... There is a greater part of me that believes in him than the part that things the negative, but when the negative is rearing its ugly head is when it's taking over... In 16 months he has never given me an opportunity to doubt his intentions... However the past month has been quite rocky for the both of us... Strange thing is, if something did happen I would still be with him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3rny Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 Oh honey, lol - it's an expression. Oh lol sorry... My head clearly isn't in the right place right now... Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 You be wary of sleeping with him, in case you catch something. Link to post Share on other sites
baRx Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when someone gets extremely defensive like that - it's because they're hiding something. why get mad if there's nothing to hide? why get defensive if everything is okay? being defensive + giving out guilt trips = instant indication of lying. i would know. i've done it to my parents in the past. my ex did it to me constantly. my friends have done it to their friends/families.. etc. Link to post Share on other sites
NervisPervis Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 and then the defensiveness... i mean if nothing happened why would he get defensive.... That's the main red flag I see. He should KNOW that the behavior would have ANYONE in an exclusive relationship concerned. OK. There were extenuating circumstances, but come-on. Defensive vs. "Sorry, but it WAS innocent. However, I do understand your concern. What do I have to do to help you?" Defensive is too consistent with cheater talk. And I've been on these forums a long time. Or how about, phone conveniently turned off vs. "my boyfriend will be very concerned. I'd better check in." The problem with cheating is lying is a part of it also. They can't be separated. Leave him. "you're lying. I know it. I can't live with it". Link to post Share on other sites
uni-versal Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Things have been rocky recently. He went home with another gay male and drank. He didn't respond to your messages, even after the fact, spent the night, his story is inconsistent, he got defensive when asked... I mean c'mon man. Please please PLEASE tell me you see what I do too... It's a pretty clear picture. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I think he cheated. Ask to meet his new friend while you visit. Watch body language and see if he's uncomfortable with both lovers in the same room. I'd bet money he won't allow you to meet him. Link to post Share on other sites
uni-versal Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I think he cheated. Ask to meet his new friend while you visit. Watch body language and see if he's uncomfortable with both lovers in the same room. I'd bet money he won't allow you to meet him. This is golden. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3rny Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 I think he cheated. Ask to meet his new friend while you visit. Watch body language and see if he's uncomfortable with both lovers in the same room. I'd bet money he won't allow you to meet him. I was going to ask... If it is just a friend then he should have no problems in introducing us - I mean he know all of my friends, even ones that I have just met... I will throw it in very casually and see his response. Like I said the other option I have thought of is just plain outright telling him my concerns and fears and laying the inconsistencies on the table and hoping that he does come out with the truth and tell me what happened. I mean if there is nothing to hide then he should have no problems with it. about 9 months ago he found text msgs on my phone from a friend of mine - this was someone I had known way before me and my partner met and we used to msg each other, however my BF thought that something was going on and so he snooped through my phone and read the messages and I will be honest some of them were quite flirtatious, however not a single of those msgs was suggestive in way shape or form - even the last msg i sent to this guy was that "i love my BF a lot and so if he thinks that anything is going to happen between us then he needs to know right now that nothing ever will and that I was stopping the msgs from there on"... my bf accused me of cheating on him, I had nothing to hide so i sat there and answered all his fears and even said to him that I had stopped talking to the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts