Resentment

[Resentment]

Back in June I found that my wife was making cell phone calls to a male co-worker. In 10 days she called him 18 times. She also was calling him on our house phone while I was at work.

 

She had been acting strange that week making up excuses like going to the store to just to call him.

 

I checked the cell phone bill and my suspicions were right she talking to another man.

 

I called her from work and confronted her about the calls she said that they were just call and nothing more.

But the amount of calls she did was just plainly unbelievable.

 

I told her to get her stuff out of the house and that I wanted a divorce. She kept on telling me she loved me. And it was only calls.

 

I have been married for 5 year's two beautiful boys 4 and 2. I built a 160,000 house for this woman. We have been to Disney World 5 times. Christmas is always extravagant I make way above average salary. But she was willing to throw our marriage away for a hardware store co-worker who makes $8 or less and lives with a roommate.

 

I have seen this guy at her work. He is midget like short, hairy, pumpkin head ugly little animal. His hair is thick in a helmet form (70's style) with a round pug face. He is way out of my wife's league.

 

She told me that he had not had a girlfriend in 3 years. Well no **** I wonder why???

 

When I first seen this guy I looked at him and said to myself he is not a threat. Boy was I wrong.

 

After I busted her she told me that there was an attraction to him (Which it could not of been his looks)

That is why the phone calls happened. She said that she needed a friend to talk to.

 

I have not been the perfect husband after a year of marriage the wife and me drifted apart in a weird way.

For some reason I did not show affection or communication. I loved her deeply but was unable to show it. 3 years we lived like this. She had warned me that something was wrong with our marriage but I failed to see it. She would work at it but I was non-responsive. Before she strayed we were arguing about stupid things. I would end up belittled her on many occasions. (Not proud of it at all. Ashamed)

 

Anyway she assured me that it was only phone calls. I made her quit the job.

 

In the time of making up and figuring out what happened to our marriage. Things started getting better. My wife ended up pregnant with my baby. (Yes it is mine I seen her period)

 

Something told me that there was more to the story than just calls.

After a month arguing she finally told me that on the Weds before I found out about the calls that he kissed her after work in the parking lot. She did not pull away and allowed him to put his tongue in her mouth. She said it last seconds.

 

She told him at some point after the kiss that she could not do this to her husband and that I did not deserve it.

 

She got God involved and prayed that it would end. The next day was Friday when I found out. When I was yelling at her she was praying and thanking God for jumping in.

 

Even though the kiss happened she still continued to talk to him all the way up to the Friday that I found out. He told her that he did not want to lose her friendship over the kiss. What crap!

 

The day I found out I called him and told him to stay away from my wife and family or I would kill him. He kept on saying we were just friends. Lying a-hole

 

I started remembering times where she came home late or went to work early so I started questioning her about where she was and what she was doing.

 

It ended up being a long tapestry of lies. I found out that she had lunch with him, he also met her for drinks at Applebee's and one night she did not come home until 10:40PM she was outside talking with him and another friend.

 

I was fed up with all the lies so I hired a polygraph administrated. He is the best detective in the area.

He hooked her up to the machine and tested her for about an hour.

 

He ran through all my questions and fears. My wife passed the test with no deception found.

 

He mainly focused on the sexual questions. He said that 90% fail the test.

 

I could not stay with my wife if she had spread her legs for another man.

 

It has been a stressful time for the whole family. I am mad at my wife for not telling me about the kiss before we got pregnant. This would have possibly pursued my thoughts about another child

 

We recently we almost lost the baby to the stress of this event. My wife started bleeding heavy and the doctor said that she might miscarry. It is in Gods hands now.

 

I am constantly haunted by what happened. Every time I wake up I think about it.

I feel like there is a hole in my chest.

Some days I have to convince myself to stay with my wife.

She is very remorseful and sorry. She said that the devil was in her.

She has thought about suicide.

I have left her a few times but came back. Everybody wants me to do the right thing and stay with her.

My pride is killing me. I even tried revenge I could not bring myself to do it. I am not programmed for that.

 

What bothers me about the whole issue is that my wife told a co-worker that she like this guy at some point.

The woman co-worker is a big idiot she was giving my wife tips on how to hide an affair and telling my wife how could she stick with one penis for the rest of her life.

 

It seems that this issue was premeditated.

 

Our marriage is better. but I still have the thoughts of leaving her.

 

She said it was a friendship that went to far but she stopped it. But what if I did not find out??? What would of happened?

 

Any input would help.

[moimeme]

Quit obsessing on her actions and work at being someone that she'd never think of leaving. You confess to having been a terrible husband. So fix that. What might have happened is she might have decided to leave you for a man who treated her better. So be that man.

[VivianLee]

Emotional and Physical affairs are never right or an excuse......however.....they can be what a person turns to when a spouse is acting this way and I quote you...

 

I have not been the perfect husband after a year of marriage the wife and me drifted apart in a weird way.

For some reason I did not show affection or communication. I loved her deeply but was unable to show it. 3 years we lived like this. She had warned me that something was wrong with our marriage but I failed to see it. She would work at it but I was non-responsive. Before she strayed we were arguing about stupid things. I would end up belittled her on many occasions. (Not proud of it at all. Ashamed)

 

 

You cheated on your marriage too....you cheated your wife out of much needed affection and communication, you cheated her by not taking your part and working on the marriage too, you cheated her (through belittling) of feeling worthwhile and confidence...

 

So then you wonder why she turns to the first person that gives her all those things.....

 

You cheated and was unfaithful to her in this marriage too. So if she is willing to forgive you, then you should be willing to forgive her. Sounds to me by her responses ("the devil is in her") and your thoughts ("my pride is killing me") that you are still belittling....if you really cared about this woman, you'd forget yourself for about 2 minutes and see what she needs to heal and then while you are thinking about someone besides yourself, maybe you will heal too. I hope you aren't punishing her by bringing this up all the time, if she's sorry and you forgive and want to work it out, you need to move on......if not then release her and divorce her (take care of her financially since you are uber blessed with such a wonderful job, don't make her poor just to seek revenge) and then maybe she can find someone that loves her unconditionally and will be the husband she needs.....and you can find someone that is robotic that doesn't need anything and will be perfect!

 

Good luck!

[DazednConfused]

Hiya,

 

While the ladies have a valid point, I don't think it is right or fair to blame you for your wife's indiscretion. Yup, you took her for granted, and the tone of your post says that you see her as somehow beneath you.

 

Good God man, you married this woman. You made some mistakes, she made some mistakes. But you are not responsible for what she has done. You are responsible for your part in remaking your marriage into something that makes you both happy and secure.

 

She was "friends" with this guy and she kissed him. We all know what the motivation of this other guy..... but the motivation of your wife was to get something she desperately needed and had asked for from you. If you love her as much as you claim, you better wake the hell up and give it to her.

 

Oh yes, I very much understand resentment. It eats up every waking moment of your day, but I have to tell you from experience, holding onto it is doing no good for anyone. Dude, your obsessing over it has nearly and may still cost the life of your unborn child. Are you awake yet??

 

You need to answer one single question for yourself, and answer it truthfully to yourself:

 

Do you want to be married to her or are you using this as an escape from your own insecurities?

 

If you want to be married to her, then find a way to deal your resentment away without continuing to abuse and belittle your wife. Whether it be counseling, beating rugs, jogging, whatever. If you are married to her and want to stay that way, she needs to know that you are not going to run off on her again. Can you even begin to imagine her fears right now?

 

If it all too much for you to take, then divorce her; then you both have a chance at being happy.

[amer]

Just a thought here.

 

You mention a trip to Disneyland as evidence of your care an attention to your marriage.

 

As you have found out, marriage is no trip to Disneyland!

[TMCM]

To equate the act of infidelity with neglectfulness is akin to equate murder with negligent homicide. Resentment's W KNEW what she was doing was wrong yet she CHOSE to continue doing it. Not every spouse whose emotional needs are not been met by his/her spouse makes the choice to have them satisfied by another person. I'd be willing to bet that if we were to look closely at Resentment's marriage that his W was also negligent about his needs yet Resentment did not choose to go outside his marriage to have them met. It was only when she got caught and faced the reality of divorce that she immediately stopped her infidelity. It's only normal for any woman OR a man who has been betrayed by her/his spouse to feel the way Resentment is feeling.

 

Now I'm not saying that you didn't give him great advice [i.e. try to be the H she needs, forgive her or divorce her and not to seek revenge [it eventually destroys the avenger] ] but to just tell him to get over it is NOT one of them. Resentment and his W must seek the services of a pro marriage counselor to LEARN how to become better spouses to each other so that this sad chapter in their marriage will never again repeat itself. Counseling will also go a long way to help Resentment conquer his pain.

[whichwayisup]

I can't disagree with anything anyone said here, Dazed nailed it too.

 

I can understand why she did what she did. She felt alone in the marriage, and you did what you said you did to her, then she definately internalized it and thought you didn't love her anymore. A guy paid attention to her and made her feel good about herself, as well as desirable. You can figure out the rest. Doesn't mean she was gonna jump into bed with him, but she definately substituted this guy's attention and fit it in to her life to make up for what you weren't giving her. I'm sorry and I'm sure it hurts like heck.

 

Communication is the key here. Open and honest. She made the wrong choice, and should've have told you what she was feeling and the affect it was having on her. You need to love her, treat her like a queen and adore her. If you love her and still want her, LET GO OF THE EGO and just do what you have to do work it out.

 

The unborn child here is the price. Very sad, and I pray that he/she gets born and healthy into this world. So please work this out and even go to councilling. You have a chance here to fix it. She wants to. DO YOU?

[Resentment]

We have an appointment with a marriage consoler on Tuesday.

I am having trouble with the kiss. How could she let this happen, when a possible divorce could come out of it. She was risking everything.

 

When I ask her about conversations that they had she always replies she does not remember. Even the night of the kiss she came home and went to Wal-Mart and talked to him for 29 min. You would think she would recall that conversation. I feel that there are still secrets between us.

 

And it kills me.

 

R

[whichwayisup]

I get how you feel about the kiss. It is not YOUR fault that she kissed someone else, that was HER choice. But, did you read what everyone actually wrote?? There are red flags up and all around you saying basically WHY she kissed another man, got emotionally involved with this guy. Doesn't that make you look at yourself too? It's not right what she did, but at the sametime you HAVE to get over it. It was JUST A KISS. IF she had made love to him then that's a different ball game. She got caught and is trying to fix it. She is proving herself to you, so why don't you try and do the same too?!

 

Glad you are seeing someone to fix the problems in the marriage. You have to do it, for yourselves and ofcourse for your kids.

 

Try hard, I know it must be really really hard on you, but if you really love her, get over the kiss. Sorry to repeat that, but you didn't make any comments on what anyone has written...Not that you NEED to, but does it make sense to you? Do you understand what points and advice we've all given? Just a thought.

 

WWIU

[Resentment]

Dear gang,

 

I was a complete butthole to my wife for about 3 years. I heard everything that was stated by all the posting. You guys are right!

 

My brother in-law told me that this was a wake up call and a second chance.

 

This is so hurtful the pain reminds me of when my dad died.

 

Should I be concerned about the conversations after the kiss. It worries me that it might not of stopped.

 

R

[amer]

But in her fog she thinks she is protecting "you" by sparing you the nasty details of them.

 

Some day she has to realize she is only protecting herself, from the shame of her actions.

[jmargel]

Ok.. I wish someone would make it a sticky about what I am about to say. I seem to repeat myself in alot of these threads.

 

Resentment, first off, like the others said, you cheated her out of alot during those 3 years. She could have done ALOT worse. Imagine not feeling loved for 3 years? Imagine everytime you plead with her that things were lacking between you two, she shrugged you off? Would you want to live like that? No.

 

Your wife was attracted to the attention she was getting, not necessarily him. She was starved emotionally, which to me is abuse. It's like buying a dog and tying him outside to a tree. Why have the dog, if you are going to just neglect him? Give him to a better home. You can buy him all the bones in the world (like your 5 trips to disney world, and the expensive house & the big xmas gifts) but all this dog really wants is to be played with and a rub on his belly. Ie. Gifts don't show love, saying & showing affection does.

 

Now, you want security in your relationship, right? Well what you need to do is stop talking about the topics, and deal with the issues. Believe it or not, the topic is the kiss and the talking that those two were doing. You need to work on better communication, and taking her for granted. These are the reasons WHY she did what she did. That is the issue. It's like a weed, if you just pull the leaves off, it'll eventually grow back. Pull the weed out by the roots, which means dealing with the issues.

 

If you have a good marriage counselor things will get solved. However don't expect them to get solved in the first session. It'll take months.

 

Stop making her feel so guilty for what she did as well. This IS NOT ALL HER FAULT.

[Resentment]

Yesterday I talk to my wife about the conversations with the OM after the kiss happened.

She said she called him and asked why the kissed happened. He said it felt right. My wife replied that she did not want it. He then said that he did not want to ruin their friendship.

 

She said that she told him I could not do this to my husband and that he did not deserve it.

 

She continued to talk to him until Friday. This is when I found out by cell phone records.

 

She told me that the entire time that she talked to him she felt guilty. But something drove her to keep calling him.

 

She told me that she loved me the entire time that this was going on.

 

Yesterday she told me a real hurtful thing that contradicts what she had said.

 

She said that she let the kiss happened to see if she still loved me.

 

She just doesn't know how crushing that was.

 

We got into a big fight, which ended up her packing up her stuff to leave. After everything calmed down she ended up staying.

 

Can someone make sense of this? Maybe from a woman's view or some who felt like my wife?

Please make me understand. I am ruining my marriage.

 

R

[jmargel]

Resentment,

 

Aren't you reading what other's wrote? Read my last post on here. You want advice, we give it, yet you don't read it or follow it.

 

The way you treated her over the years, I am surprised she hasn't left you already. This is NORMAL for her to do this, due to you emotionally abusing her. What was my last line in my last post? It's in all caps. It shouldn't be hard to read.

 

And yes you are ruining your marriage, because you are being too stubborn to read our advice and take it to heart.

 

Re-read my last post and if you have questions regarding that, let me know.

[Sheba]

Resentment!

 

Yoohoo! Do you hear anyone?

 

You don't want to accept responsibility for your wife's feelings, but I think you need to do so. You admit that you left her feeling unloved for 3 years - it took her three years, and all that happened was a kiss! I think she must be very devoted to you, to put up with your inattention all that time!

 

It sounds as if you have a woman who does love you! Instead of trying to gain control over every second she spent talking to the other man, focus on what you were doing for those three years - work on trying to explain THAT to yourself. I have a suspicion that you were controlling her by not giving her what she wanted - and look at what happened!

 

You have been given some good advice. Pay attention.

[whichwayisup]

Resentment, same as others have said...Really READ what we are saying to you.

 

IF YOU LOVE HER like you say you do, THEN DROP THE EGO, MACHO stuff okay? You seem to know why she did what she did, she's even TOLD you why she did it. ATTENTION. She cried out for help and the only way she knew to get any kind of reaction from you was to kiss another guy. She's told you she's not interested in him, she loves YOU. Take it to heart and run with it!! I don't know what else you want here. Are you scared of getting hurt? Scared of loving your wife? Scared of working harder to make this marriage work? Be part of your family? Be a dad? Fear ...What is your real FEAR here? Seems there is something else going on that you may not have written down...Maybe not, but again, it was JUST A KISS and not full flegded SEX. It wasn't right, yes I understand that. She did it because she was lonely. You weren't paying attention to her emotionally and treating her like crap. So in defense of your wife, and me being female, I would do the same thing, reach out to someone who showed me attention, desired me, wanted me...Thing is, she is smart! She stopped it after a kiss. She KNEW she didn't want it to go further...But at the sametime, she has a friend of the deal here. A guy who listens to her, is there for her and respects her. THAT should be you, not him. You want her back, loving you and in your life -FIGHT for her and allow yourself to grieve over that kiss, but don't hold it against her. She's sorry and has shown it.

 

Please really take to heart all the advice we are giving you. Because if you go at her and fight, she's just gonna run right back into his arms. She has proven herself to you...Now you need to prove yourself to HER.

[She's Come Undone]

Sorry, but that lie detector test would have had me packing and leaving.

 

She may have been risking "everything" but she was seeking "everything she wanted and needed."

[Resentment]

The lie detector test was her idea she begged for it. She had so many lies going at once, No one believed her. Not even her folks.

 

When I first found out about the OM she did not come clean right away. It was double edge sword lies.

 

It took about a month for God to work her over. She then told me about the kiss.

 

But even more lies surfaced. I packed my things and told I would not come back until everything was out in the open.

 

This is when she begged for the polygraph test.

 

My mom said she would pay for the polygraph test if this would get us pasted this.

 

I hired one of the top polygraph administrators in the US. He has been involved in testing since the 1970's

 

He said that 90% fail this test. My wife passed it with .098% No deception found. We had a pre test of 25 questions of all my fears. She passed.

 

I called my mom yesterday and told her that my wife was leaving me because of the stress. She told me a shocker that her and my dad (died in 93) never loved each other and stayed married for the kids.

 

I have never noticed that growing up.

 

They never showed affection and slept in separate beds. Seeing this all my life I thought that the marriage was normal. This is how I lived my marriage with my wife.

 

My wife's parent's marriage was loving and they showed affectation in the house. This was her marriage picture. Way better than mine.

 

I do not want to be like my mom. She buys gifts to show love. I express the same pattern.

 

I hugged and kissed my wife this morning. I told her I do not want to be in this marriage just for the kids. I want to be loved by her.

[TMCM]

Either you are 'in' or you are 'out'. Which is it going to be? If the answer is 'out' then divorce her once and for all. But if the answer is 'in' then you have got to stop those destructive habits that have damaged the love your W has for you. I highly recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and especially 'Love Busters'. The latter one is very important because it presents the destructive habits that destroy love in a marriage. Love busters are:

 

1. Angry Outbursts - Who wants to live with a time bomb?

2. Selfish Demands - Who wants to live with a dictator?

3. Disrespectful Judgements - Who wants to live with a critic?

4. Annoying Habits - Who wants to live with a leaky faucet?

5. Independent Behavior - Who wants to live with a selfish jerk?

 

Think of this way, the OLD marriage is DEAD [Good Riddance] but if you and your W are committed to rebuilding the marriage then a NEW marriage can be created that will be a happier one for BOTH.

 

Good luck to both of you.

[whichwayisup]

Hey, your quote here..."I hugged and kissed my wife this morning. I told her I do not want to be in this marriage just for the kids. I want to be loved by her."

 

That's great. Now work with that. But you have to LOVE her too, not just wanna be loved by her. Show her what you're made of and go for it!

 

You would not have posted here if you didn't love your wife, so hats off to you! It takes guts and balls to come here, admit what you admitted and take some heat. But with all that has been said and done here, you have to do the hard work at home...As well as your wife. Took both of you to be where you are today. Will take both of you to get to tomorrow, so hold hands and do it together.

 

Good luck.

[jmargel]

Resentment.. Good you found what was leading you to treat her this way, however there are obvisiously still alot of things that aren't totally clear between you two. Please see a marriage counselor. Remember, treat the issues, not the topics.

 

You will not fix this problem alone, I will guarantee that. Put your ego and pride away and ask for professional help. You came to us because you needed advice. Your wife needs the same kind. Do it for yourself, and for her. Doing this will show her how much you love her.

[TMCM]

Resentment here is a link Infidelity that may help you.

[Resentment]

Thank you for all the postings.

 

Yesterday I went all day without talking about our issues.

 

When I went to work today I caught myself thinking about our problems.

 

Made me blue.

 

I did not call my W.

 

I waited unti it passed.

 

Once I got around people I felt better.

 

It has been about 11-12 weeks since it has happened.

 

I know that I love wife because I would not be feeling this pain everyday.

 

I forgive her because our marriage is way more loving. She has my attention 110%

 

And I am supporting all of her needs. This is kinda of hard being she betrayed me.

 

But I want it to become the norm without resentment. Which I own her 3-4 years worth

 

Do you think when I bring up questions about the issues that I am still in the unforgiven state?

 

My W hates when I call our problem an affair. Since there was no sex and just a kiss she does not think that it is the correct label.

 

Maybe if she stayed consistance with her answers I would get over this easier.

Her answers now are more toned down for my feelings.

 

In the begining she told me that there was an attraction to him. I'm thinking his looks (As stated before this guy was very un-attractive, way below my wife's level) It was like lyle lovett (4.5 feet tall) and Julie Roberts paired. It didn't make sence.

 

Now she changed her answer to the attraction was not the looks. but somthing else

 

Her feelings for this guy now is hate. She would like to see him dead. We are God fearing people and I told her wishing death is way wrong. I do not even want that. God gave us choices and in the end she got God involed.

And prayed for help on the thursday before I found out. Friday I checked the phone records.

 

Why do you think she has so much hate for this guy?

 

She can consider herself victorious in God's eye.

 

I have prayed for my forgiveness because I am not innocent. I broke the oath of marriage too.

 

God bless

 

R

[whichwayisup]

Hey, I'm glad you're thinking better and you seem to have some acceptance...I'm proud of you for that...It will still be hard on you, but your attitude is so much healthier right now. Sometimes taking a step back and removing yourself from a situation can bring in alot of better, positive thoughts.

 

I'm glad she isn't keeping in touch with him. The damage has been done, and she knows it too. So now she should try too, to work it out and make the marriage work. There seems to be alot of love between you two so that's good.

 

Take it easy and take it one day at a time.

 

WWIU

[jmargel]

It's not an affair, quit calling it that. Talk to your wife about it in a non-threatening manner, and if you want to prove to your wife you are serious about changing so this doesn't happen again, find a good licensed marriage counselor this week.