Resentment

[TMCM]

Originally posted by jmargel

It's not an affair, quit calling it that. Talk to your wife about it in a non-threatening manner, and if you want to prove to your wife you are serious about changing so this doesn't happen again, find a good licensed marriage counselor this week.

 

I beg to differ.

 

Just because there was no intercourse doesn't mean that it was not an affair. What Resentment's W had what is called an emotional affair in which she was satisfying her emotional needs for conversation with a man that was not her H. An emotional affair is much more destructive to a marriage than a physical affair based solely on sex.

[Resentment]

How is an EA more harmful than an PA

 

My wife had no problem letting go. She hates the OM.

 

What are the down falls of an EA? Am I missing somthing?

 

I couldn't stay with the W if the OM violated her body.

 

I would be doing the big D.

 

I am having a hard time with the smaller issues.

 

It hurts that her emotions were involed.

 

Is there somthing that I should look for

 

r

[Sheba]

Resentment:

 

To respond to one of the things that puzzle you, consider the old line that goes "the way to a woman's heart is through her ear". In other words, sweet talk will capture a woman's heart. Women are less visual than men, generally. Some men I find attractive appeal to me based almost entirely on the fact they have a big IQ or great charm. You will not learn anything by examining the men around your wife and guessing their appeal based on their looks alone.

 

An emotional affair seems like a bigger threat because a person's emotions are engaged, and not just their body. I don't know if your wife was really having an emotional affair or if she was just so starved for attention that she was simply responding to "anyone" who gave her some attention.

 

Why don't you try recapturing the man you were when your wife fell in love with you - how did you treat her then? Treat her the same way, now. Court her, charm her, show her your appreciation.

 

I don't know why she "hates" the other man now - maybe she feels he took advantage of her while she was vulnerable because her marriage had a big deficit. Maybe she is embarrassed. Try to focus moreon how you treat her, and how she responds to you than how she might respond to someone else. See how that makes you feel.

[whichwayisup]

R

Try and work on the now and the future. Get some therapy for yourself to learn to heal as well. Couples therapy too.

She had the EA because she felt neglected and alone in the marriage. Love her, spend time with her and SHOW her how much you love her and NEED her in your life.

 

Kids play a HUGE factor in this, and the unborn child too. That is where the priorites lay right now.

 

Wish you all the best and I do hope it works out. Will take sometime, grieve and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, but at the sametime, put your love for your children and wife ahead here K.

[TMCM]

An EA is more harmful than a PA because it involves deep feelings for the OP [other person] which can develop into romantic love. Once that happens, the unfaithful spouse no longer wants to be emotionally [and physically] connected to the betrayed spouse. In the last decade there has been a great number of spouses who have had EA's over the internet and have fallen in love with the OP even before meeting them. EA are very addictive because in most cases the OP is meeting the long neglected needs of the emotionally starved unfaithful spouse. Also most undiscovered EA's in time tend to become full blown affairs when sex becomes a part of them and when that happens the marriage is now much closer to ending.

 

Affairs that almost immediately start as a PA [one night or weekend sex] with no or very emotional investment involved, usually tend to self destruct pretty quickly because the unfaithful spouse feels very guilty for destroying his/her marital vows. It is relatively easy for the unfaithful spouse to end this kind of affair because he/she is not in love with the OP.

 

In your case, your W's EA was in its infancy but if you had not discovered it, then it could have developed into a matured EA with a very short step into becoming a full blown affair. When you discovered your W's EA, there was still plenty of love units in her love bank for you, so it was relatively easy [although hard] for your W to end her EA with the OM.

 

As I said before, I highly recommend that you and your W read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. I have no doubt that they would greatly benefit the two of you and thus your marriage.

[Resentment]

I asked my wife today how hard was it to let go of the OM.

She said it was very easy.

 

She said that she knew who she wanted to be with all along.

 

I asked her how does she feel about what happened.

 

She stated that she gets flashbacks of the week throught the day.

But it is not about the OM.

 

She said it is about regret and how she would of done things different.

 

She thinks her hurt and my hurt are the same.

 

My hurt is a little more intense.

 

Can someone on her side of the fence let me know how she is feeling. So I understand her pain.

She is very un-motivated in the wake of our issues. She has a hard time to get going.

 

My flashbacks are about the lies and replaying the kiss.

 

 

I have been doing awesome the last few days.

Blocking it out does wonders to my body.

 

I started lifting weights, playing the drums and drywalling the basement.

 

I am looking forward to the new baby.

 

We were in the honeymoon phase when the baby was conceived.

She was the one who told me to leave my penis in.

If she did not love me I do not think she would want another baby by me.

 

R

[Samson]

We were in the honeymoon phase when the baby was conceived.

She was the one who told me to leave my penis in.

 

What exactly does this mean?

 

Was there a crowd of people observing the conception that encouraged you to do otherwise?

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad you're keeping busy and doing some physical work as well. That will definately help your mind feel better!

 

Your hurt is unexpected, shock, letdown hurt. (many more words to use to describe, you know what I mean though)

Her hurt is ongoing, loneliness and sorrow. I could be completely wrong, I'm just guessing here...But she felt pain a while back, before she had the EA. She is also suffering and feeling horrible for hurting you. Just like you are hurting for neglecting her for those years. Doesn't matter who is hurting more...The fact that you both are talking about it and willing to work it out is amazing!

 

Don't rush it, let it all just happen. One day at a time, continue being honest and open conversations about it all. Try not to let the anger take over...

 

Sounds like things are better again today and that's good.

[Resentment]

Today is first day of marriage consoling. We will be going at 6:45PM

Can anyone tell me what to expect this visit?

 

I would like to reply to samson about the Honeymoon phase.

I found a link to a website that we pretty much follow out to the letter.

 

here is the link.

 

http://www.catholicexchange.com/vm/index.asp?art_id=732

 

When I found this website we were at the letting go stage.

 

Everything listed on this site we followed like a instruction booklet even before reading it.

 

Humans have patterns in behavior.

 

The Honeymoon Phase is the time after the A where you are hiding your feelings.

You monkey hump like crazy. Masking the real issues.

 

This is when we conceived the baby. This was a bad time. realitiy set in after 2 weeks and the problems surfaced.

We do not use condems. When I asked her what she wanted me to do with the money shot.

She told me to leave it in knowing that this could create a baby.

 

So I did it knowing it could create a baby.

 

I do not regret it nor does she. Wanting to have another child with me kinda tells me that she loves me.

 

Sorry to be so graphic

 

R

[jmargel]

Glad you two are going. What to expect? Expect the hour to go by really fast. That once you two start talking you won't be able to stop. Except ALOT of talking from her. Also don't expect everything to be settled after one session. It will take months. Pay attention closely to the counselor. And follow their advice. Most importantly, LISTEN to what your wife has to say. Put her first in all of this.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[Resentment]

We made it through consoling!

 

He pretty much listened to our story for the whole session and recommended a book to read.

 

It really did not hurt to rehash the issues. We both felt really comfortable with our consoler.

 

As I was telling the story my wife could not look him in the eyes. I guess she was embarrassed.

 

We will go again next Tues as a couple after that we will be split up and consoled one on one.

 

I felt good after the meeting.

 

This morning I was in a little bit of a funk. I started thinking does my wife really love me or is she just going through the motions.

 

All the signs are there that she does. But the mind plays tricks.

 

The consoler told us that men have a harder time getting over this type of situation than women.

He said that woman are emotionally charged and can deal better. But when it comes to men and emotions come into play. Men have a hard time managing because it is new them.

 

I talked to my wife this morning. I asked if she was happy and felt the respect and love that she deserves.

She stated yes.

 

I think paranoia is setting in. I am constantly suspicious of her activities and phone calls. And when I question them I make a fool out of myself.

 

I was never like this with any girl

 

She is walking a straight line. I am afraid of when things get better she might fall into the same rut.

 

I know that I won't.

 

It sucks that she broke our trust.

 

R

[TMCM]

Actions speak louder than words and more so when it comes to love. Judge your W's actions NOT her words. Love after all is a verb [word indicating action or state] is it not?

[jmargel]

Glad to hear counseling went well. Good counselors will have you together and then seperate. There are somethings you might not want to talk about in front of your wife, same goes for her. It's important that when she goes by herself, do not ask her what they talked about. Same goes for her. It's not that she is keeping things a secret from you, but sometimes you need to keep some things seperate.

 

You are going to feel suspecious, but so will she. She might be thinking 'Will he go back to the way he was before?', while you are thinking 'Will she go back to flirting with men?'. Remember things between you two weren't good. This is the first of many, many steps you two will be taking. It's a learning process. You'll have good days and bad days. Try not to psycho-analyze everything about her. She's with you right now because she wants to be. If she wanted, she could've left with that other guy, or probably any other.

 

One of the things women find attractive about men is confidence. When you start thinking untrusting thoughts about your wife, mentally stop yourself and tell yourself to stop. And then force yourself to think positive things about the both of you.

[Resentment]

Today before I went to work I dropped off a movie at Hollywood Video.

 

It is over by the hardware store where the wife worked.

 

I seen the OM walking from his truck to the store. I started seeing red.

 

I talked myself out of going over there. I know that I would of went to jail.

If I would of got hold of him.

 

All the way to work I regretted not confronting him.

 

I also started to get angry at my wife again after seeing him.

 

 

My wife told me that one of the reasons that she had some interest in him was that he like to go out to bars and have a good time.

 

My wife married me when she was young and never got to do the bar scene.

 

I, on the other hand played in a heavy metal band and spent most of my time in a bar.

 

and living a reckless life. I had a new date every weekend.

 

My wife has a strong baptist background and when I married her I promised her father that I would get back into church.

 

I did not want to take her out to bars. There are a lot of bad elements in bars. I really did not want to expose her to. I also did not want to disrespect her parents.

 

She killed me when she said that one of her reasons that she had interest in him because he like to go out.

 

This guy is a total knob! I wish you guys could see him. I explained to my wife that this a-hole pumped himself up to look way cooler that what he is. He is the type to guy that would go to a bar with is nerd friends sit in a dark booth and pray that a women would talk to them. They would strike out call it a night, go to White Castle, go home and j**k off.

 

My wife is so willing to believe anybodys storys.

 

After telling me this shallow reason I felt like dumping her all over again. I felt like tell her go to that bars with him

when the novelty runs out do not come back to me.

 

I do not want to sound like I tooting my horn but I know that I am 100X better that the other A-hole and she knows it too.

 

It is comments like that that will sent us to the Big D.

 

Why does the the unfaithful spouse answer question so bitterly. You would think that they would show some compassion.

 

Every time we talk about it she gets angry and combative. Even when she brings it up.

 

R

[whichwayisup]

If this is gonna work she HAS to have NO CONTACT with him. Going to therapy and working it out is great on paper but if she has to do the action of making it work, not just words!!!

 

I'm really sorry to hear that turn around. Seemed like things were just starting to get abit better. So that must be a smack in the face. You have every right to feel what you are feeling, talk to her and explain how it makes you FEEL when she still is in contact with him. It's wrong and she knows it!!

 

All the best.

[Resentment]

No, she does not have any more contact with him. I am refering to the past. She was telling me that that was one one her reasons.

 

He is completely out of the picture.

 

She has only hate for him.

 

Sorry if I worded wrong.

 

This is just rehash

 

R

[whichwayisup]

LOL I'm sorry too. Probably just me today, not having the greatest day.

 

So scrap what I said!! Good luck and keep on workin'! It will get better as time goes on.

[jmargel]

Why not go out to a bar with your wife? My god, she does have a brain. Stop treating her like your daughter, and more like your wife.

 

You are going to have good days and bad. At a moment's notice you might get angry at her out of the blue. That's something you are going to have to accept for now, until the counseling really starts working. Do not stop this counseling, this is vital.

 

This also isn't a contest. Stop saying you are 100x better than him. You are not competiting with him, it's over between those two. Stay concentrated on how you treated her so bad for the past few years and work on that.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by Resentment

This guy is a total knob! I wish you guys could see him. I explained to my wife that this a-hole pumped himself up to look way cooler that what he is. He is the type to guy that would go to a bar with is nerd friends sit in a dark booth and pray that a women would talk to them. They would strike out call it a night, go to White Castle, go home and j**k off.

 

Ah grasshopper it is not his looks that attracted her to him but the way he made her feel.

 

My wife is so willing to believe anybodys storys.

 

After telling me this shallow reason I felt like dumping her all over again. I felt like tell her go to that bars with him

when the novelty runs out do not come back to me.

 

I do not want to sound like I tooting my horn but I know that I am 100X better that the other A-hole and she knows it too.

 

Even if it was the other way around, looks have very little to do with feelings and the quality of the man. He could look like George Clooney and he would STILL be a little man with no honor who likes to prey on married women.

 

Why does the the unfaithful spouse answer question so bitterly. You would think that they would show some compassion.

 

Every time we talk about it she gets angry and combative. Even when she brings it up.

 

I don't know how you interact with your W but the next time you are about to bring up the subject, you might want to stop and think what you are going to say to her before you say it. IF you are yelling, humilliating, and insulting her then I don't care how great looking you are, you are going to lose her one of these days. Hopefully that is not the case but if it is then you will have nobody to blame but yourself.

[Resentment]

This weekend was a living hell.

 

I had the hardest time coping will my issues. I was just depressed.

 

I sucked it up like a man and stopped myself from upsetting my wife.

 

It was this morning around 4:45AM where my issues hit me hard

 

I went into the bedroom to get on my clothes. I was gonna go downstairs to lift weights.

 

Before I left the room the wife asked me whats is wrong.

 

I calmly told her my issues. I have a lot of repeat questions.

 

Why does the BS like to hear the same ?s over and over.

 

I have been very calm lately with her. Very soft voice.

 

She starts crying every time even with a calm voice.

 

I told her that I can not communicate with her when she is crying all time.

 

 

Is it still wrong to talk about when your hurt. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

R

[whichwayisup]

Sorry you had such a rough weekend. No, it is not wrong to talk when you're hurt. That's probably a good time to really be open and honest. She is crying because she feels so bad. Women cry, that's what we do! Can't help it. Just the way we're wired...Just like I'm sure you getting up and lifting weights at 4am is what makes you feel better.

 

I'm glad you're calm and talking to her softly. No point in yelling matches because it's obvious there's alot of love there.

 

I guess I don't understand why you have to 'suck it up and be like a man...' Might feel ALOT better if you just let it out? Cry? Let her see you cry, let her see how much pain you're in. She can help you through it, talking it out too. Those 4am talks can be good.

 

Hope things improve as the week goes along for you.

[Resentment]

Well we had a second session with the consoler.

 

We talked about my compulsion for our issues. He stated that I am obsessing too much about our problems

And my mind is over worked.

 

He asked me about my sleeping habits. Since this has happened my sleeping has been poor.

 

He has suggested a drug called lexapro to help me relax. I have taken Zoloft before and I had nothing but problems.

 

He feels that I am having a hard time letting go because of my guilt in the matter.

 

I had an overwhelming role in why my wife acted the way she did.

 

He explained that no two people think alike. And that my wife intentions might of been genuine.

But the way I play it out in head is she was out to destroy.

 

She still claims that they were only friends up to the kiss. and that is where she crossed the line.

 

The pros state that in an EA the unfaithfull feels no guilt because they think nothing was done wrong.

 

The consoler asked me "What is really bothering you" I told him the lies and deception.

We talked about the kiss also. I asked my wife when the OM started to invade her space why didn't she back off. Why did she let him kiss her?

 

She had no answer. She let him stick his tongue in her mouth and she put hers in his.

 

She said that kiss last a few seconds. I asked her how she felt. She said guilty.

 

Later on that night she took my 4 year old to Walmart to buy a video game. As she was shopping she was talking to him on the cell phone.

 

She told him that she did not want that and why did it happen. He said it felt right.

 

She continued to talk to him until Friday when I found the cell phone bill.

 

She started crying in the office at this point.

 

The consoler told me that my wife is very remorseful and he has seen people that have laughed about what they had done.

 

He talked to my wife alone for a while.

 

He asked my wife if she thinks that I am going to consoling for her.

 

That is a very good question.

Because when I thought about it,

I think that I am going to make myself feel better.

 

I felt very selfish at this point and I will change tracks to include both of us. Not just me me and me.

[jmargel]

Good.. Glad to see you are getting to the root of things. Your counselor sounds wise, and seems to be a good one.

 

My wife takes lexipro and it does help alot with the anxiety. I can tell when she's missed a day. I would recommend starting with 10mg. Anything higher might be too much for you. It does have sexual side effects, you might not be able to climax. It takes alot for her to, now that she's on it.

 

It helps you think more clearly and not obess as much.

 

Your wife is not out to destroy you. What she did was out of character. But it was also because she was lacking something from you. Hang in there

[Resentment]

3rd consoler meeting

 

Tuesday was our 3rd meeting with the consoler. I has been a peaceful week. Even though the pain comes and goes it is very manageable.

 

It sends a shock of hurt to my heart every time I tell my wife I love her.

 

I can not wait for the day that the thoughts are non existent. I know that I have to tell that I love her regretless of how much pain I feel. Because she needs it just as much as I do.

 

It seems that the consoler is siding with my wife more and more. He feels that I am quick to pick out her faults and I mention mine I skim quickly over them and change the subject.

 

He has heard the complete story. I asked him do you believe that she is telling the truth?

Point blank he said that he believes her. He said that there was no way she could have passed the polygraph.

 

He has seen other couples who have taken the test and he believes in its accuracy.

 

He told my wife that we have a long road ahead.

 

It seems that the pain is fading little by little. I am able to function as a human again.

 

Sometime I feel that my wife is holding back her true feelings and intentions about the OM

 

She continues to say that it was a friendship that went to far. And that she never wanted him or the kiss. She said it happened so fast.

 

I feel that she insults my intelligence by saying that. When it seemed a little more complicated.

 

Once again I have to remind myself that men and women are wired different. What my intentions are different then that way she was thinking.

 

I am trying to save our discussions for the counseling day.

 

R

[whichwayisup]

Hey Resentment. I'm really pleased to see you calmer, more understanding and really open here. I feel a definate peace coming from you...I know you must still be hurting alot, but you know what? You are trying so hard, giving and loving her. That's really good and you should be really proud of yourself. You're aware of what you are feeling as well THINKING alot, about yourself and what your wife is feeling.

 

The only thing missing here, is what is SHE doing for YOU. You both messed up, you are trying to work it out. You are not saying, ' my wife is telling me how much she loves me, needs me, wants to be with me, respects me and is showing me how much she wants this to work out' . Where is that? Is she saying it back to you as you are to her?? This therapist should not be picking sides right now or showing favouritism. That is not right. You both have issues and baggage here...Each has to be dealth with accordingly I understand that, but it seems she did seek out someone else and she needs to really KNOW what she wants and be CLEAR about it with you.

 

I hope this makes sense..

 

All the best, keep posting and giving updates.

 

Again, You really are doing a good job here, so much better frame of mind than afew weeks ago.