Ex acts like his issues are completely new to him

[Minnie09]

Not that I should care anymore, but my exH told me he's been seeing a shrink for the past 2 months. He started therapy, because his current gf told him to. Apparently they have the same issues in their R that we had during our M (boundary issues with other females, emotional cheating, secrets, unreasonable jealousy on his part, communication issues etc.). History repeats itself. Duh. It pains me that he admits to those issues now, while I told him the same exact things during our M. Why wouldn't he address them then? We have a son together and were married. Now that it's too late for us, he acts like he wants to be a better person. For whom though? Our family is broken as a result of his non-commitment and lying, conflict avoidance and cheating. Now he sees he has a problem? Seriously? And he tells me these things on the phone or in person whenever he picks up/drops off our son, and it sounds like they're completely new to him and nobody ever talked to him about it in his "past life". But I did. All the time. I knew him inside and out. I knew where his issues came from (FOO) and why they developed into those relationship issues he's been having for all his life, especially when it comes to romantic Rs. But it also affects his friendships with men (he hardly has any).

 

Anyways....it seems unfair that he wants to be that better man now for his new flame. Wasn't our family important enough to make that change? I am just venting, and while I know the past is the past and good riddance, and while I also know that there's no guarantee that his therapy will actually result in anything substantial (especially since he's got a problem following through with almost everything he starts), I still feel totally frustrated. I also know that had I told him in the beginning of our courtship that he has issues that need to be addressed, he would've listened. He did everything for me before the M and the pregnancy. That probably also applies to his new R. He's still in the "gigs" stage and willing to be or pretend to be her dream guy. Lol.

 

Has anybody ever felt the way I feel? Frustrated, because I struggled in my R with him, told him exactly what the shrink is telling him now, acts like these are completely new findings, and wasn't willing to hear me out during our M? It could've saved all of us a lot of heartache. I would have given him another chance if he had shown me that he has the desire to change. Yes, I would've still had trust issues, but I would've seen his willingness to make a step in the right direction and be more introspective, and I would've supported him. Ugh. Too late. And now he fricking rubs it in my face, like "See, I'm getting therapy now. It's really expensive, but I think I have some unresolved issues that have been affecting my relationships with women so far. I want to understand myself better. I want to be proud of myself." SE-RI-OUS-LY???

 

I have to bite my tongue every ****ing time he comes over now, because I don't want to tell him "????? **And what did I tell you during all those years we were married, dumbass????? I told you EXACTLY THAT!!!! HELLO! Wake up!" ..... Seriously. Wtf. I'm so pissed.

 

Please tell me I'm not alone. I just want some loving. I don't want to feel this feeling for the rest of my life that he now starts to own up to his ****, but for his family he didn't. And even worse, he acts like its a good thing he gets help now, but never once says he wished he had done it earlier. What the heck? Does he not remember? Is he compartmentalizing? Is he in denial? I know I shouldn't give two hoots, we've been separated for a few years now, so.....I should get over it already. But.....aaarghhhh

[worldgonewrong]

Just so I have a bit of context-

 

who divorced whom in your marriage?

Did you ditch him overboard or vice-versa?

[Minnie09]

I broke it off after a number of DDays and repeated lying, omitting bigger and smaller details etc. There have always been OWs in his life (behind my back) in some way or another. Not sexually, but I don't care....a lie is a lie is a boundary issue is cheating .... there were other secondary problems that basically had the same core origin, but he wouldn't see it ... He used to tell me we didn't get along. HA!

[worldgonewrong]

OK, well...

he's a dirtbag.

And you shouldn't be utilizing precious brainpower on what he's doing, what his shrink is telling him, etc.

You're done, right? So you need to vacate the part of your brain that he's occupying (and not paying rent, to use the great phrase that someone coined) and occupy that part with something more meaningful.

You also need to shut him DOWN completely when he goes into his narcissistic babble about himself & therapy, etc. Shut it down. Don't give him an ear, for god's sake.

Otherwise, you're just being sucked into his little psycho-drama.

You're talking on some level as if your questions matter ("What the heck? Does he not remember? Is he compartmentalizing? Is he in denial?") -- EFF what he thinks or doesn't think. Get on with YOUR life. He's already moved on, and he's using you to be a sounding board STILL.

Nip that garbage in the bud. NOW. For your own self-respect and sanity.

[K Os]

Is he compartmentalizing?

I would say, in a way yes. This is a really tough thing for you to have to deal with, and your frustration is completely understandable. I can't say I've got the same thing with my wife because (as far as I know) she isn't into a new relationship yet, but I do dread her doing exactly what you describe. I know that issues she has had in our relationship are bound to surface in her next one, and only then is she likely to do anything about them. I think this is a common human failing. We tend to evaluate relationships when they have ended, rather than before they do. In many ways it's easier to do this as a single person, with the perspective of time, hindsight and living alone. It's often said that betrayed spouses make excellent second spouses. This is because they've taken the time and trouble to figure themselves out after the relationship ends, pick themselves up, and at least make sure they do better themselves next time around, regardless of what their betrayer is doing. Often the ones who walk away don't bother to do this, and just repeat the same patterns again. I think it was Elizabeth Taylor who once said, "I haven't married five different men. I married exactly the same man five times."

 

This probably isn't much comfort to you, and I'm sorry for what you're feeling. I know for sure if my wife goes into another relationship and uses it to finally confront her problems and change her ways for the better, I will be absolutely furious. What a waste!

 

You did what you could, though, and tried your best to 'wake him up' while you were together. You can't do more than that, can you? The trouble is there's no knowing when someone will genuinely get the 'wake up call' that they need to change. It is galling when it comes too late for our own relationships to survive, though.

 

Rather a rambling reply, but I hope you can take something from it. All the best to you.

Edited February 20, 2013 by K Os

[MsOptimist]

My divorce is in the process and my husband is doing this exact same thing - so no, you are not alone in your frustration.

 

He blindsided me and wasn't willing to work on anything or give me many answers - his reasons changed all the time and I truly don't think he knew all of the reasons.

 

This is the 2nd time he's tried to reconcile, the 1st time was noticeably half assed and I shut it down very quickly. At the moment I'm not looking to reconcile, but he has approached me from a similar angle in that he's finally ready to face his issues and he's come to many realizations that HE was the issue.

 

Like your ex, he says that he's just now realizing how he's acted and is starting to see why he acted in such ways. He truly believed he was doing the right thing in ending our M because it was not working for him. He immediately tried to move on and start dating and it wasn't working - people couldn't tolerate him, and he'd met some people who were dumped in the same manner that I was. He says he didn't see the effects of what he did until he spoke with those people.

 

He told me of the things he was capable of doing with new dates - things like holding doors open and little nice gestures - that he always had a hard time doing for me. I told him that was really really frustrating that he can do this for strangers and couldn't for me. He said for a long time he wondered if he had it in him to be more of a gentleman and it took him trying this to say realize that YES he does have it in him. I know, I think it's pretty messed up, but maybe explaining this way of thinking can help see how your ex is thinking.

 

He says he also had to relearn how to do everything on his own and it opened his eyes to how much he was to blame for the issues that he created in his head (things that he blamed on me).

 

He says he finally sees that he has issues and wants to work on them, even if that means that he and I cannot be together. He's finally ready to work on himself and learn to communicate better. The biggest difference then vs. now is that he's simply ready. When he left me he wasn't ready to examine everything and work on anything. I do believe him because he's the type of person that doesn't do something unless he really wants to do it. It doesn't mean that I will take him back, but we are actually having productive conversations where we are both learning where things went wrong.

 

Hopefully this can shed some light on your ex's situation as well. I don't think he's trying to rub it in your face, but I think he's probably ashamed at his past behavior and he wants you to know he's trying to fix it. My husband is ashamed of how he acted, he's told me that.

[Minnie09]

MsOptimist, kind of like you, he blamed his issues on me and when I finally had enough he totally "understood" and let go. Not one word about reconciling, mc yes, but not IC. MC to me was the wrong approach. We'd tried it before and it didn't work, because the counselor tried to pin his issues on me, just because he wasn't entirely honest and made me look like some kind of an exaggerating, controlling, jealous (!), bored housewife. Not openly, but subtly. So I didn't want to embarrass him right there in front of her, and kept my mouth shut, trying to work on the M. Didn't work.

 

When I said enough, he suggested mc AGAIN, even though we'd had those poor results years before. He just didn't believe it. He thought we "didn't get along", and "argued to much" etc. bull****. We argued for a reason, and the reason why we didn't get along was because of his double standards and control/jealousy issues, which didn't make any sense to me especially in the context of his own "secret life".*

 

Well, unlike you MsOptimist, we're not considering reconciling, not at this stage and probably never. He did say, though, that he's ashamed of what he put me through, and all his other exes for that matter, and he wished he could make it all undone. I'm surprised you made that connection based on your H who also uses the same exact word "ashamed".

[MsOptimist]

My husband says the same thing, that he wishes he can right all of his wrongs and if he could take it all back he would. He says he is ashamed and embarrassed of what he did and how he did it. I do think it took tearing everything down completely to make him see things differently - that makes sense with how he operates.

 

I'm not trying to reconcile. He ultimately would like to reconcile but he is aware that that may not be possible due to what he has put me through. He claims to at least want to the opportunity to try to learn to communicate better and learn from this - I see that I can also benefit in those ways so that is why I am willing to communicate at this time.

 

We're not as far out of the marriage as you and your ex are - I'm actually kind of surprised that mine didn't take longer to realize what he claims to be realizing. Everyone told me to expect him to come crawling back like this but I figured he'd be too stubborn even if he was having regrets.

[Minnie09]

Wow-good for you, MsOptimist!

How did his family react to the separation? I personally can't understand the way my xH's family reacted. Just like him, they were kind of okay with the divorce, using the "they just weren't a good match" statement. Nobody even talked to me much during the separation, or asked for reasons. They kind of brushed it off. It is hard to understand for me how much they are in denial. This has been the story of his life, the pattern of all his relationships with women, and they know it, too. But they just condone his behavior and will "always love him", because they're "family". I try to get along with them for my son's sake, because I want him to have a relationship with his grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, but I just don't get the attitude. Like everything has been fine and some relationships just "don't work out". Nobody even tried to understand my reasons and his inability to have committed relationships.*

Edited February 21, 2013 by Minnie09

[trippi1432]

My exH of 15 years pretty much blamed his 15 years of verbal and emotional abuse on me, but he was kind enough to let me know how he's wasn't like that with his new woman (3 years ago).

 

Last year, he let me know that he suffers from fibromyalgia and that must be the cause of his issues. He could have a point since he was miserable before he got a few beers in him, then he would be a happy person until he blacked out. The beer probably cured the pain.

 

So, yeah Minnie, it's typical with people who have no qualms about the pain they cause other people. People on here tell me my exH sounds classic NPD. I'll never know, he won't go near a therapist and the only time he did was with our son for his grief counseling. The next time I saw the therapist alone, she said she met him and talked to him for only 10 minutes, but she gave me her condolences and said you are better off without that man. Very Telling!

[MsOptimist]

Wow-good for you, MsOptimist!

How did his family react to the separation? I personally can't understand the way my xH's family reacted. Just like him, they were kind of okay with the divorce, using the "they just weren't a good match" statement. Nobody even talked to me much during the separation, or asked for reasons. They kind of brushed it off. It is hard to understand for me how much they are in denial. This has been the story of his life, the pattern of all his relationships with women, and they know it, too. But they just condone his behavior and will "always love him", because they're "family". I try to get along with them for my son's sake, because I want him to have a relationship with his grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, but I just don't get the attitude. Like everything has been fine and some relationships just "don't work out". Nobody even tried to understand my reasons and his inability to have committed relationships.*

 

That's interesting, my inlaws reacted in a very similar way in that they were all just like, "well, this is what he wants to do - we don't really understand it either but oh well, just move on." However, they have been incredible to me and extremely supportive in every way. His mom and I are actually closer now post-separation and I still talk with his sisters regularly.

 

They all thought he was not dealing with anything in a healthy way but they never tried to help him. He told them all that he didn't want to talk about it, so they just left him be. If that was my family member that just wouldn't fly. I know it's difficult to help someone who doesn't want help, but it seemed like his family treated the situation like it wasn't that big of a deal. I still cried with his mom several times, but still, it was a little odd.

 

As trippi mentioned, I also suspect my husband to be a narcissist, or at least strongly possess a lot of the qualities. A couple months ago I told him that and he was very upset. Now that he's trying to reconcile he said that he was upset because he know's it's true.