No strings attached, eh?

[Carpoff]

Here is the long and short of it. I am separated from my husband of 8 years, no intention of reconciliation but haven't yet filed for divorce i live in San Francisco. I've had two short lived physical relationships with other men in the past 8 months of separation. I still very much love my husband but our relationship was very destructive. We haven't filed yet because I just wasn't ready. I haven't seen him in 5 months. I miss him, I miss being in a relationship, I miss my husband. I am happier not with him even though I cry a lot.

 

I decided I was going to date recently and have been going on lots and lots of disappointing dates. I'm not ready for a relationship. One of the physical relationships I had ended because he wanted more than I could give emotionally. Basically I'm a mess. I know I am. But every day I'm getting better.

 

So I met this guy randomly, by randomly I mean I met him and had sex with him within an hour of meeting. It was ok sex. He said he just got out of relationship of two years, 2 months ago, I said I was recently divorced (I don't like to have to explain the whole story) she left him. He cried, I cried, we snuggled it was great. He asked for my # and insisted I have his and we should do it again. Uh-huh, whatever.

 

About two weeks later I text and ask if he's interested in no stings attached sex. He said ok. Now it's been about three months. I text when I want it, if he's not busy he accommodates and vice versa. Usually it's once a week or every other week. No pressure. Great. For point of reference we are both in our 30's.

 

I thought ok casual sex, we meet up, screw and then, see you later. Nope, that's not what happens. It's always an all night thing. Meaning we snuggle, watch tv and snuggle, talk about life and emotions and hopes and dreams. It's like we are just substituting each other into out former relationships. We almost never talk or text in between. He pushes for more and more intimacy when we are together. One time I did leave after and he was hurt and if I get out of bed he asks where I am going. It seemed to me like he was getting attached, but he still cries over his ex. I do to but... I honestly don't think 2 years is that long of a relationship especially if not living together. I can honestly say we like each other and are very very kind and supportive of each other. We are both heart broken and very busy with work. It seemed like an ideal situation for healing. The sex has become amazing. He is an extremely sensitive lover, thoughtful, affectionate.

 

So recently I went on a 3rd date with a different guy. I like him but he's a very aggressive kisser and I don't like that. He's nice though and we were making out a lot. He likes me a lot, tells me so, is very thoughtful and tells me he is thinking about me. But After I felt guilty. I felt like I had cheated. I realized I have feelings for my NSA guy. I still really don't want a relationship... I don't think. Then I became aware that I am chasing him the whole time and he only occasionally drunks texts me random things.

 

So... Should I end it? Would he even want me? Should I just continue and say nothing and things unfold as they may? Should I just tell him what I am thinking? Are we both just too messed up to do anything? should we be friends? Should I ...?

[CarrieT]

I have totally been where you are at - literally and figuratively (I lived near The Fillmore and J-Town).

 

It took me several years of having a handful of NSA relationships before I realized that the only way I was going to move on from my Ex was being utterly and completely alone.

 

The biggest hurdle is the desire for sex. I had LOTS of one-night stands as well as some long-standing NSA partners.

 

But when you have sex and even non-committed intimacy, your oxytocins start generating and the desire for bonding begins. Your mind start creating the "what-ifs" of a relationship and you mentally start attaching yourself to a guy without having the benefit of a more honest relationship BECAUSE it is based on those physical desires.

 

It took me doing what you are doing for over three years before I knew that the only way for me to move on and be able to establish a real relationship was by being by myself for a while. It is hard, but it is worth it.

 

Good luck!

Edited February 20, 2013 by CarrieT