i hate the holidays

[holly]

since i was a young girl i hated having the family gatherings. now im 43 years old and i still hate them. i have long since moved away from my family after my mom died in 1992, now i have a new problem.

 

i have been with this guy for 2 1/2 yrs, his family is very close and have included me to all their gatherings, most of which i have made excuses for not going to.

 

my boyfriend is getting really upset with me about this, so i started going to please him cause i love him and i want a future with him.

 

on thanksgiving i went to his moms house with his brother, sister in law and their two kids, all of whom i know real well.

 

the problem is i am not a social butterfly, i've even considered taking medication for social anxiety or something just to do this. would that be wrong?

 

i feel so self-conscious in front of others, i don't know what to say or how to act, by the time i analyze and pick apart something that i'm going to say, the subject has long been changed.

 

now x-mas is coming up and i've also been told by his mom that i am going to the birthday party for the little newphew. oh boy, here we go again! i want to escape and run away from these family things, but i know i can't keep doing this, how does one deal with feeling so imcompetent?

[Deejette]

I don't think you need to take drugs to deal with this situation, because it will keep coming up again and again through the years and you don't want to be dependent on drugs and go into a real panic if they are not available.

 

I think it is best to let your boyfriend know how really shy you feel and also let his mom know too. They will understand if you want to be quiet. You will see how kindly they treat you when you let them know the social anxiety that you feel.

 

Not everyone is the life of the party. You can sit there quietly and still be part of the family scene. You can smile at what others are saying and just "be there" without being a performing seal.

 

But I do think you need to go to the gatherings with your boyfriend, because if you don't he probably will not be able to envision a future with you, especially if he loves his family and being with them means a lot to him.

since i was a young girl i hated having the family gatherings. now im 43 years old and i still hate them. i have long since moved away from my family after my mom died in 1992, now i have a new problem. i have been with this guy for 2 1/2 yrs, his family is very close and have included me to all their gatherings, most of which i have made excuses for not going to. my boyfriend is getting really upset with me about this, so i started going to please him cause i love him and i want a future with him.

 

on thanksgiving i went to his moms house with his brother, sister in law and their two kids, all of whom i know real well. the problem is i am not a social butterfly, i've even considered taking medication for social anxiety or something just to do this. would that be wrong? i feel so self-conscious in front of others, i don't know what to say or how to act, by the time i analyze and pick apart something that i'm going to say, the subject has long been changed.

 

now x-mas is coming up and i've also been told by his mom that i am going to the birthday party for the little newphew. oh boy, here we go again! i want to escape and run away from these family things, but i know i can't keep doing this, how does one deal with feeling so imcompetent?

[Tony T]

You just have to go to these things anticipating fun and joy. Anxiety is a self fulfilling prophesy. If you worry all week about having to go to a function...worrying about what to talk about, what to do, etc...you're tongue will be tied and you'll be a nervous wreck.

 

Millions of people have had the same problem but when they realize they can enjoy other people's company and get great pleasure out of social interaction and not worry about making a fool of themselves, they feel emancipated.

 

You don't need medication, you don't need counselling, you just need to change the way you think. If you put your foot in your mouth in front of relatives or friends, just take it out and laugh at yourself. The world will not end, or even stop for a second. Listen to what others are saying and talk if you feel like it. Don't say a word if you don't want to.

 

In time, you will become very comfortable in these settings. All you need is to exposure yourself to them. Just as a person who is afraid of snakes gets over it by touching and handling snakes, very gradually over a period of time, you will totally and completely get over your fears and disdain for family gatherings. Don't worry about what caused this. Maybe you were embarassed in front of a bunch of friends as a child. Who cares. If you can talk and you have a brain, you can do it!!!

 

And, as the scarecrow in the Wizard of Ozz observed, you don't even need a brain. He said, "There are people without brains who do an awful lot of talking." So there, if the scarecrow can do it, so can you.

 

Now, follow the Yellow Brick Road!!!

[Patty]

Holly,I have the same exact problem you do.I'm really uncomfortable at family gatherings.I've never had medication or counceling either.Every year I go to a Christmas Eve party at my uncle's and its very crowded and I just sit with the crowds of people even though I'm uncomfortable.And I've been like this for most of my life.I never could figure out what was wrong with me.My body gets so tight sometimes when I have to face large crowds.Its like I freeze dont know what to say.Im even like this at work.I usully wait for other people to talk to me first.And another thing I think it is,is that my self esteem is low and I dont like the way I sound when I talk so I kind of shy away from everybody.And it makes it harder for me cause ,I dont like the way I sound.I know just how you feel Holly,I been there many times.I'm trying to over come those fears I have.But I guess it takes practice.I even tried going to chat rooms to get more comfortable with people and it has helped some.Once you show an interest in other people,they will show an interest in you.