oannamarie Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 [color=darkred][/color] I have been married for six years. My husband at one point of our marriage beat me on a weekly basis. He has not done so for about a year. I recently met another man who I am attracted to and want to be with. I do not love my husband and I have told my husband of my feelings for him and the other man. The problem is we have two children together. He is a great dad. I told my husband I would stay with him for the children and I would not talk to the other guy. I am still talking to the other guy and my husband does not know. I feel that eventually this will end up that I have cheated on my husband. I am trying to get advise on if I should stay for the kids and deal with the feelings or go so I can be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
ShareHer Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 #1 If a man beats a woman, within the first minute or so after the beating, she should be gone .... for good. #2 Don't stay with your husband for your kid's sake. They will grow up not knowing how a man and a woman are supposed to interact in a happy marriage and they will repeat the ugly cycle. I never, ever thought I'd leave my exwife because of my love for my daughter. I am soooo glad I did. She's had a chance to see her dad in a happy, loving relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted September 1, 2004 Author Share Posted September 1, 2004 Thanks for the advice. I told both guys I needed time to think. They both seem to understand. It is just hard making a decision were I will be happy and the children will be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
ShareHer Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 Originally posted by oannamarie Thanks for the advice. I told both guys I needed time to think. They both seem to understand. It is just hard making a decision were I will be happy and the children will be happy. It surprises me that a physically violent man wouldn't go off when you told him about the other guy. Your situation is the very reason I started my "watch my wife having sex with other men" thread. If you were my wife, for one thing, I would've never beaten you. For another thing, you'd have complete freedom to have some fun with the other guy if you wanted and not have to worry about an angry husband waiting for you when you got home. You also wouldn't have to worry about your children coming from a broken home. Are you able to make ends meet financially without your husband? Other then your children, what is keeping you with him? The fact that your husband is a good father is a definite positive. Give him joint custody. They'll cherish the time they spend with him as well as the time they spend with you. (I'm sorry to give up on your marriage so quickly. I have a hard time getting beyond the beating part.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted September 1, 2004 Author Share Posted September 1, 2004 He hasnt beat me in about a year. I still have a hard time getting past the beating and the emotional abuse. I dont love my husband and have told him that. He states that he will change if I stay and that hopefully my love will come back. He was sad and down when I told him I needed time to think. He has overcome his anger in the past year so he did not get mad and beat me. I can financially aford to take care of the children however it is best he keeps them because he has the better working hours. I leave the house at 6:00 in the morning and do not get home until 8:00 p.m. I think that is why it is making it harder for me to make a decision. I hardly see the kids and if I leave I will see them even less. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 He has stopped beating you. You said so yourself. What is YOUR reason for cheating? He doesn't beat you anymore. If he were to lay another hand on you, then fine, leave. But until then, he's a changed man and don't you owe it to him and your family to change yourself and make it work? Don't get me wrong, if he beats you, LEAVE. But this is the way you are acting: He beats me, I'm staying. He stopped, I'm leaving. See what I mean? At what point do YOU owe the marriage something? Please stop having an affair AT LEAST until your divorce is in the making. You're doing yourself a disservice. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted September 1, 2004 Author Share Posted September 1, 2004 The reason for me leaving is that he is on drugs. He never spends time with me and he never comes to bed. I have confronted him. There are alot of things that he has done to me that adds up over time and that I try but can not forget. He just a couple of days ago agreed to stop the drug use if I stay. I have heard that so many times. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 Well then, that's another story. That's up to you to decide whether or not you want to pursue that ATTEMPT to make the marriage work. In MY opinion though, to be able to give 100%, you have to do JUST THAT, give 100%. You simply cannot give 100% when your head is in other places. This man seems to have made previous (massive) changes and is telling you that he (again) can change his drug use habits. Is it worth the chance? That's a question that only you can answer. But you can't go in ready to try and make it work when you're stuck on another man. Your marriage will never work in that fashion. He has to be the utmost of your concern, not another man. Lose the boyfriend until you see whether or not you can patch things up with hubby. THEN YOU CAN SAY YOU GAVE IT YOUR ALL, 100% with no questions! Then if you gave it your all, you can leave KNOWING you gave it your all. Then go for the other man. And if boyfriend on the side is so great, he should be patient while you tend to the needs of your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 Can you describe a beating to us? I know this is off topic, but what did he say? What did he do? What did you say? I want to understand a beating, and know if it's like it is on TV. What do you consider beating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted September 1, 2004 Author Share Posted September 1, 2004 First of all anytime a man hits a woman to me is a beating but if you must know he strangles me to the point I am unconcious and punches me about twenty times in the back, ribs whatever he can get to first while I am trying to get away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tracy Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 That is terrible. And, if your children sees it, it has a terrible impact on them. My father used to beat my mother. Even though I have never experienced that, I think it has affected me and my personal relationships more than I even realize. Just reading your post makes me have that scared feeling like I did when I was a kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted September 1, 2004 Author Share Posted September 1, 2004 That is what everyone keeps telling me, that it is better for the kids if we separate. Everytime I go to see the kids they cry, and tell me they want me to come home and that I hurt daddy's feelings. My kids are 3 and 5. I guess I am just looking for an easy way out. It hard to accept that someone is going to get hurt. I cant see past my childrens pain and hurt now to see in the long run if I leave it will be better for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Tracy Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 May be an entirely different topic, but why wouldn't you take the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted September 1, 2004 Author Share Posted September 1, 2004 I think I stated this in a previous post. I work extremely long hours 6:00 am to 8:00 pm. He has better working hours and would be able to spend more time with the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Tracy Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 And, if you do leave them with him for whatever reason, the most important thing is you remain a part of their lives. My mom left my dad...several times. She had four other children by her first husband. Me and my (half) sister were the only ones living at home at the time. I remember one time she left....she took my sister to another town about 4 hrs away. I can see now that I was prob better off with my dad, he could offer me more. But, I resented her terribly for leaving me. And, I still think she should have been closer to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Artifact Posted September 1, 2004 Share Posted September 1, 2004 Can you switch jobs so that you can work more convenient hours? Do you have family close by that can help you with your children? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted September 1, 2004 Author Share Posted September 1, 2004 Me and my husband have discussed that if I dont stay I will see them everyother evening when I get home from work and have them on the weekends. I am just afraid that they will think when they get older that I left them and that is not the case. Link to post Share on other sites
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