TEXT MSGS are the devil!

[MelWell]

Hey guys -

 

Does anyone else think text messages are evil??? Checked my bf's phone (so wrong, but i couldn't help it, it was so available lol) and bf has texted this old friend of his (a girl) for months now, she used to be his best friend & they were inseparable - in which it bothers me greatly even though it may seem innocent. Am I overreacting? I confronted him and he had nothing to hide since it was just his best friend from before and they chat alot. and i mean CHAT ALOT!!!!!! not just one or two every couple of days....

 

 

Has anyone else had any text messaging woes? Or am i just insecure...

[uriel]

Would you want him to cut you off from your best friend? Would you think he had a right to do that? How would you feel if he were going through your things?

 

Be careful or you're going to drive him away -- and it won't be his best friend's fault either.

 

-- uriel

[MelWell]

you may be right - but i don't think i'd be texting my guy best friend that often either - just out of consideration.

 

but yea, it could push him away if i'm too much of a b*tch about it... which i'm not, i'm just wondering if its my insecurity and if anyone else has gone through something like this

[She's Come Undone]

Well, I think if they were interested in each other in that way they would be together now. Or maybe they tried to date but it didn't work out.

 

I dunno, I always think that guys make better friends than girls in my case.

[uriel]

You said she's his best friend, right? So why does he need to consider your feelings in that case? Would you limit his contact with a best guy friend?

 

No -- you don't have any right to be a b**ch about it. It's not your call. And he's under no obligation to consider you in this case. Unless, of course, you have some real reason to believe he's a liar. And then, all bets are off anyway.

 

Btw, my husband had a female best friend when we started going out. Didn't bother me. I believed he would have been with her if he wanted her. He acted totally different around me -- in love, desiring. He acted like she was one of the guys. So, no big deal. He not only called her a lot, but they used to go to class together, study together etc. (we had different majors, they had the same). Guess who he's with today? Me.

 

-- uriel

[Girlie]

Well, I think in this case, you yourself even said it seems innocent. But I do understand that it is probably a little uncomfortable to have a SO who is so close to someone of the opposite sex. One of my childhood best friends is a guy who is now married, and we still talk, but I certainly don't text him EVERY day. I don't think his wife would enjoy that, and I certainly don't want to interfere in their relationship in any way. However, I will say that we were, at one time, very close and never have had any desire to date each other.

And I also understand the stuff about text messaging. I had to deal with a ex of my SO who just loved sending text messages at one point. All of the time. To both of us. Ugh!

[MelWell]

All of you prove some very good points. I really have no reason to be so jealous - i just wouldn't be texting a guy all the time if he had a girlfriend, just out of respect.

 

but its true in the end it's me he's with. so i should just chill out...

 

its just one of those girls that rubs you the wrong way!!

[She's Come Undone]

Well, if you let her know that, she'll keep it up!

 

*say with Forest Gump twang* My momma always sez jus ta smahyul an be grayshus! (smile and be gracious)

[EC]

LOL

 

wow if your mad over texts you would kill me if I was your bf.

 

I have a guy best friend and we are super close. We talk everyday to the point where we watch a tv show while on the phone. Stay quiet while the show is on then talk about it during commercials.

 

My bf isn't jealous he knows theres nothing there. Just friends.

 

I don't think you should worry and shame on you for going through his phone. lol (I'm guilty of doing that though but I learned my lesson when I changed his settings by accident and got caught lol)

 

But I don't think you should worry.

[sunshine2000]

i don't think you have anything to worry about. It's not his ex love it's a good friend like a sister most likely, and as long as those messages are clean meaning nothing sexual, you have nothing to worry about.

[CurlyIam]

well, darling, wellcome to my world ! His ex started to send him messages a lot during the last 2 months... Friendly stuff... and he wants to keep the contact with her.

 

And she sends him sms.... and again.... and again. He tells me about it, I tell him it's bothering me... he says he'll do something about it... did he? NO !

 

Well, he can't just tell her not to ask about his family all of a sudden after 2 years, can't he? Guess who's the obsessive controllive jealous gf now !!!

 

 

What I do tell you is do allow her near: keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Trust your bf, at least they are communicationg, not exchanging sms like 15 years old. You can win this battle, only keep your head clear.

[MelWell]

i feel ya - its SO ANNOYING!!!!!!

 

(trying to be a trooper here, really i am lol)

 

i know I wouldn't do it - knowing it would make the person's girlfriend uncomfortable is enough reason for me to stop...

 

and some may say "oh but she doesn't know its making u uncomfortable" oh please, what girl wouldn't feel uncomfortable about that?????? i mean, if its happening alot. you know??? and out of nowhere after a year!

 

i'm working myself up again lol

[jmargel]

Originally posted by She's Come Undone

Well, if you let her know that, she'll keep it up!

 

*say with Forest Gump twang* My momma always sez jus ta smahyul an be grayshus! (smile and be gracious)

 

Didn't forrest's mom also say that 'Women are the devil'?

 

 

 

MelWell, you are very controlling. Keep it up and you will push him in with his 'best' friend. You'll just make her seem more appealing to him. He's with you. Enjoy it and don't worry about the rest.

[CurlyIam]

Hey, J !

 

If you didn't notice it was a "girl's moment" (you know, one time when we stop being objective and say: "Men... who needs 'em" or when spontainly deciding all ex gf female friends, female collegues are a pain in the a**, if you know what I mean ).

 

She's not "very controlling". She is concerned, she'e expressing her intimate fears. She didn't do anything yet, so give the girl some credit, won't you...

[jmargel]

Just her reaction towards about this, and the way she approached it with him can be considered controlling.

[snilljente]

I don't consider this controlling or jealous at all....it's common courtesy...as mentioned, if you are a girl and you know that a guy friend has a girlfriend..there are certain boudaries that you honor out of respect for her....HE SHOULD KNOW THIS and not need to be told...How old are you guys?

[uriel]

CurlyIAm -- When you sneak through someone else's personal, private stuff, you've crossed the line. It's not right -- or a sign of good relationship health. Since when did a girls' moment give us permission to condone that kind of thing? Where did the basis of a relationship or love being trust go?

 

As for the best friend respecting boundaries, what are the boundaries if it's purely friendship? You're all assuming -- in a very traditional gender-value way -- that because she's a woman it's either not purely platonic OR she's responsible for ensuring the girlfriend doesn't get jealous by backing off from her usual habit of interaction with her best friend. Why does everyone need to tiptoe around the insecurities of his new girlfriend? Why can't she be confident enough and trusting enough to accept that he has a female best FRIEND, and leave it at that?

 

-- uriel

[CurlyIam]

My post on girl's moment was reffering strictly to her last post. I know that I did not specify this, but now you know.

 

As far as checking the phone is concerned... I don't know what to say. I know that there is the temptation to snoop and see, but when I was living with my ex, although we lived together, I have never checked his messages and I adored playing on his mobile phone. Of course, I was 150% sure of him.

 

Would I have done it if I had some reason to wonder? I don't know. What I do know is that I have not done it. Ever.

 

 

Since when did a girls' moment give us permission to condone that kind of thing?

 

By that thing you mean checking up on the telephone, I presume.

 

Here's what I said about " a girl's moments" : you know, one time when we stop being objective and say: "Men... who needs 'em" or when spontainly deciding all ex gf female friends, female collegues are a pain in the a**, . As you might observe, I said nothing about invading the SO's privacy.

 

 

 

 

You say that because she's a woman it's either not purely platonic OR she's responsible for ensuring the girlfriend doesn't get jealous by backing off from her usual habit of interaction with her best friend.

 

 

A. Relationship between men and women can be platonical. Yet, it is every woman\man's prerogative to get crazy over it, should their instinct tell them.

 

B. If she is indeed a friend, she cares about his happiness. Which is realizing that since she is part of "the boyz" now, that she does come second to his gf. Which is only normal. And she should act this way. As far as I know, since gender is't an issue here, how many of his male friends send him messages a day? How about a week? See my point?

 

Why does everyone need to tiptoe around the insecurities of his new girlfriend ?

 

She doesn't have to. There is a line in behaviour no friend should ever pass. What that line is? Well, it depends a lot on the common sense of every people. And on their ability to genuinelly care for their friends. Of their ALTRUISM.

 

 

 

You are acting as if all the gf are irrational when it comes to female friends. I have news for you. You are a woman too. Does it mean you also are irrational when it comes to the female friends of your bf? I don't think so. So stop making generalizations. This is not a fight for "the man". It's about a woman who felt unsecure about another woman. She didn't necessarily overreact for no reason. Did this though ever crossed your mind?

 

 

 

Read her first post: they chat practically every day. Imagine you are at his house, have nice time and he goes off to talk to his friend. A lot! Everyday! Yes, you are waiting for him in bed so that he finishes his conversation with her... hum... you're right, she is TOTALLY irrational !

 

That friend of his is selfish at least. And you know what? The gf can't do a thing. If she does she becomes the "controlling jealous" beast ! So please bear my pale try to comfort her...

[uriel]

CurlyIAm--

 

I've already said that when I dated my husband, he had a female best friend, one he saw every day and in person for many hours without my being present. I didn't have a problem with it.

 

This poster's jealousy was NOT based on any concrete evidence except a daily friendship interaction. Yes, I think it's reasonable for someone to talk to a best friend every day (ever hear Oprah go on about Gail?). This is not a casual friendship -- it's best friendship. Unless the friendship is literally taking time away from their relationship (that didn't seem to be the issue), then the jealousy is the reason -- and that's a product of the gf's imagination at this point.

 

The poster has already acted irrationally by violating the privacy of a man she's not even married to. She's going behind his back and looking through his intimate things (phone log). Police have to get a warrant for that. It's wrong. I'd break up with anyone who did that to me before a second blink.

 

I don't think we have a right to a moment where -- as girls -- we feel free to bash men or vent freely and without consideration for fairness / justice (and I did know you were only referring to that one post -- so what?). It's generalizing, sexist, and, well, stupid. I'd grind my teeth if I read men doing that on this site or anywhere. I don't like it when women do it any better.

 

I'm aware that men can be dogs and that we've got to police those boundaries sometimes until we find out for sure about a particular man. However, driven to police to the point where we snoop, and I think we should be breaking up instead -- unless we're being irrationally jealous. And then the onus is on us to control ourselves and talk ourselves into reasonable behavior and self-restraint.

 

-- uriel

[CurlyIam]

You know, off topic, it never ceases to amaze me how easily you refer to the police, especially in the middle of a discution regarding a relationship.

 

IT is not an accusation, it's just that it is most uncommon in Europe... On the other hand you do seem to be much more aware than us of your rights...

 

Anyway...

 

 

 

Uriel, to me, it seemed that she did have a problem with the girl, indeed, not with the time spent. And she has a Reason. All of a sudden, the Best Friend reappears. And yes, she does get a lot of attention from her friend.

 

Put yourself in her shoes: it's not like she was used to it, to him talking to his newly found best friend. And maybe, although she admits it may be innocent, she doens't like the attention her bf gives his friend. Yes, maybe she is gealous. And maybe, just maybe she has grounds for it.

 

 

Most fears are irrational. So you cannot be juste every time when judging a situation. You say that this issue is in fact a product of the imagination. Maybe you are right. But it doesn't make it any less true or important. It's every salesman dilemma: " If a costumer says the soup is too sour, than the soup is too sour." You cannot persuade him with logical affirmations of the contrary.

 

 

 

I don't think we have a right to a moment where -- as girls -- we feel free to bash men or vent freely and without consideration for fairness / justice (and I did know you were only referring to that one post -- so what?).

 

You are intitled to you opinion and so am I. I made the last statement refering to my post because you acused me of giving her permition to snoop. I did no such thing. And since you do say you understood that, am I to understand you are putting words in my mouth?

 

 

 

 

As far as bashing men or women, I am exercising my right to express my opinions. Should you consider that bashing, well, feel free to. Personally, I consider this qulification somewhat harsh, if not inadequate.

 

I don't think we have a right (... ) to bash men or vent freely and without (...) It's generalizing, sexist, and, well, stupid. I'd grind my teeth if I read men doing that on this site or anywhere. I don't like it when women do it any better.

 

Could you please give me an exemple from my posts on this thread where I was making sexist generalizations? Or even generalizations? I do think that for some reason you are taking this issue a bit too far.

 

 

 

 

What I feel from you is a wall, no communication what so ever. She is "guilty as chaged and so help her God". No trace of sympathy or of understanding. I am repeting myself (because you seem to overlook it every time): what if she's got reasons? What if these fears that to you are so imaginary, to her are real?

 

I find it so unjust from you to jump "the police" argument when it comes to two lovers and invasion of private property and yet see nothing wrong in the behaviour of another woman who [color=red]all of a sudden, after one year [/color]interfears constantly in that man's life. Even if it is with his consentiment.

 

Maybe the best friend does nothing more unusual than what she did before - keeping intouch, chatting, being a friend, sharing her news...

 

But since you are talking about "us women", where is the sense of solidarity in that?

 

Her bf may not realize it, he may simply be a bit naive, but the friend, well, she's a woman. All women have intuition, And since she's his friend, it's only right to ask him "hey, how are you? is your gf around? say hi to her... by the way, I hope it's ok with her our spending time together and all". If she is a friend. Especially if she's his best friend !

 

Common sense, respect, care for all aspects of the friend's life, not only for the time the 2 friends spend together. If she only cares about how she likes being with him, ignoring it may in some way affect him, his relationship not only with his gf, but with his other friends, well that she's selfish. Maybe not even a friend. And certainly not a person he should be fighting about with his gf.

[MelWell]

Curly - appreciate your understanding (not saying u agree with snooping and all that). People this got out of hand!!! i was just curious if anyone has had a similar issue with text messages. it's my jealousy, my insecurity - i never said it was right to snoop. it was something out of impulse purely - and besides, i told him i did and apologized for it. never said that it was the right thing to do, actually in my first post i mentioned it being "so wrong"

 

People come on this board to discuss their feelings - and uriel, you seem a little out there - i don't mean to be mean here, but what was up with the police comment??????

 

for some reason you sound angry after every post - you're one of those "hey, feelings schmeelings, you were WRONG and that's all that matters" i don't think that is always the case..... a relationship is a whirlwind with ups and downs and insecurities and comforts and its a ROLLERCOASTER sometimes..... unless of course you've experienced perfectly civil relationships where you have never had the urge to look through a phone, or let alone make a MISTAKE - if that's the case, then i do apologize

 

Anyways, i don' want to argue here... but yea i agree with the girls moment thing... sometimes without any reason at all - you just get annoyed at another girl who is constantly TEXTING (not talking) to your boyfriend... no reason, just rubs me the wrong way as i said before....

 

-

[CurlyIam]

You know, I think I understand you because I was tempted by it. For instance, with my ex, we had different accounts on the same computer. but never used a password.

 

I swear to you, not even once did I look to see the documents he had, the mails or anything. And boom, all of the sudden, he puts a password. Without telling me. How do I find out? I saved a document on his desktop - silly me. I was so hurt by it, I wanted to barge in not because I was curious, only to spite him.

 

He justified his action by the fact that he began to use confidential information from the bank he was working at - yes, the guy was bringing his work home. I couldn't care any less about his stupid privare documents !!! I felt like erasing the whole damn computer, I was so angry ...

 

 

 

Mel, don't worry, I don't think you are a Criminal - hahaha. IT's your first offense, so maybe LS will let you walk this time . As far as "bashing men with sexist posts" or "judging women without objectivity" - remember that the beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

 

 

As far as your "crime", if I ever did feel threaterned by a girl, ex, best friend, friend, collegue at work, I'd talk to the guy. If his behaviour would make me mad, or even more suspicious, I would also probably do things that I am not proud of, like snooping. Trusting is very important, but protecting yourself sometimes is more important. Plus, my momma always said that trust has to be tested constantly - and I hated her for that. Now that I've grown, I think that she was not so far out after all ...

[uriel]

I do understand the fear that drove you to snoop, MelWel. We've all felt insecure in relationships -- and I have sympathy for that here. But, my point is that it's not always appropriate to give in to feelings. CurlyIAm seems to have value emotion more than I do as a motivator and even justifier of behavior.

 

We do come to Loveshack for sympathy, but also advice. My advice was to not give into these insecurities about the best friend unless you had some more concrete evidence to justify a boundary violation. In the meantime, trusting your bf was the right way to go, since that helps your relationship to remain stable and grow.

 

I made the police comment because I'm trying to get others who may have some sympathy with your having snooped (even though they may say they don't think it's right) to consider how much of a violation that is. We tend to take it lightly because we understand why people in romantic relationships do it. But, it's no small thing.

 

I'm glad you told your bf that you did this. I'm glad, too, that you believe it wasn't the right thing to do. I hope he will help you to handle your jealousy by giving you less overt cause to feel that way. But, what I've been saying is that ultimately, in absence of any sure evidence or explicit provocation (such as flirting), it's on you to maintain your feelings and not act out on them in a destructive or unhealthy way, one that undermines your relationship and your own self-esteem.

 

-- uriel

 

ps The only time I did get frustrated was when CurlyIAm suggested male-bashing was okay. I think that's sexist. We're both entitled to our opinion, but some views are arguably less supportable than others. In this case, I think a broadbrushing sentiment about another gender isn't constructive. CurlyIAm asks me to name an instance where she did this. I refer her back to her chastisement, some may say shaming, of another poster (male) who expressed concern that MelWel's checking of her bf's messages was controlling. The argument CurlyIAm used to justify this chastisement was essentially that it's good for girls to have a free space every now and then to vent. My objection was that such venting is harmful, whether in a woman's only space or in a mixed gender forum, which this is.

 

I realize the poster may not agree that she ought to back off on the best friend thing -- but that's a matter of her deciding what's right in her current relationship. In such a case, it's not a matter of social policy or public exchange, but something she's got to assess with her more complete knowledge of the situation as well as her own best judgment. She needs to feel safe and loved -- if that's not happening for any reason, she'll know it best. I'm just offering my advice, given very little info and no personal contact. That always means whatever we suggest must be taken by posters with more than a grain of salt.

[MelWell]

Hey all!

 

Well thanks so much for the advice. I've come to realize, it's stupid. and talking through with your SO is the ultimate solution. I told him how I felt, and that it was wrong of me to look. Just the fact that I did says something, and I'm working on controlling my emotions!! lol

 

I am just too scared of getting hurt.. But sometimes u just gotta let go a bit...

 

Oh well. Thanks all!!!! I feel much better.