internalizer

[jennifer to tony]

tony, quite a while ago i posted here about a problem i had dealing with reality, meaning that i was always internalizine every little thing and that i was trying hard to live more on the outside world and not on the inside.

 

well i've failed at doing so, it is/was so hard that i finally decided to try some anti-depressant that helps with OCD which seems to be my problem (obsessive thinking) i don't have rituals or anything like that.

 

i happen to obsess about my boyfriend all the time with jealousy and control problems. i'm in counseling now for both problems and have been on pills (celexa) for about two weeks.

 

i wanted to say that these pills have quieted down my mind to the point that i see and hear the world around me now, but it is so freaky to be outside of myself that i have thought of stopping the pills.

 

i know they help, but this feeling is too wierd, i do things spontaneously, i don't think much if anything when my boyfriend say certain things, i don't obsess about him much anymore.

 

i have tried to break through the medicine to show that i'm still in control of myself, by thinking and obsessing about something he said on purpose but it only worked as long as i concentrated on it.

 

i think this is all good for me and after only a week my boyfriend says he noticed that i have been trying and doing really good all last week. the thing is i don't know how to deal with this, it is so scary! any suggestions? should i keep on them and hope i adjust or go back to just the counseling and try that road?

 

i know you cant advise me, but i value your opinion oh wise one! seriously though, i need some help, counseling is only twice a month as my insurance will only allow that much, i feel kind of lost in between visits right now.

 

thank you for your time and wisdom...............

[Tony T]

First, you are right. I can't advise you medically because I am not an M.D. and I have not examined you.

 

However, my feeling is that you are doing GREAT and that you should STAY ON THE MEDICATION FOR NOW. It is doing it's job very well and achieving the results you have prayed for for so very long!!!!!!!! I am so happy for you I could jump for joy!!!!!!!!!

 

When we are accustomed to a certain behavior for a very very long time, it is very strange when that behavior stops, particularly if it's been done chemically without any particular effort on our part. You are so used to obsessing about things that you are in unfamiliar territory when you don't. You are actually having to go through a mourning or loss process because the medication is blocking neuroreceptors that caused this behavior.

 

This indicates that, for some reason, this behavior was serving you on an unconscious level. Celexa is an excellent drug with minimal side effects. It takes a while to achieve proper blood levels for its maximum effect to kick in. But it sounds like it is achieving the desired levels and working well.

 

It is not uncommon for people who have felt ill or have been handicapped for many years to feel strange and uneasy when their illness is cured or their handicap is eliminated. When you are so used to living with a feeling and suddenly it's gone, you are bound to feel strange and uncomfortable until you get used to the new feelings. But celebrate the strangeness, embrace it...discuss it with your physician...but don't stop the medicine.

 

The same feeling would happen if someone had a fear of flying and started taking a medication that elminated this fear. If the person hadn't flown for 30 years, it would seem extremely odd that he/she could fly without the fear. It would be completely out of context with their reality.

 

Since you have lived with this obsession to be suspicious and jealous for many many years, it seems odd to you that these feelings are suddenly in check. Rejoice. Be happy. You will get used to it. Once your brain resets itself, and your doctor will know when that happens, you will be able to get off the medication and not have this problem.

 

You have been trying to get to this place for so so long. Why in heaven's name would you want to stop the medication in order to put yourself back in the place you wanted to get out of????????

 

Just understand that there is a certain amount of discomfort in change, particularly in the change of long standing behavior. But this is a GREAT EVENT. If I was close to you, I would give you a hug, jump up and down, and drink a bottle of champagne.

 

I AM SO VERY HAPPY FOR YOU I'LL JUST CELEBRATE RIGHT HERE WHERE I AM.

[jennifer to tony "thank you!"]

tony, thank you so much for your words of comfort, i guess that is what i needed, was to know that this is normal and that what i feel is normal.

 

your right, it is so uncomfortable cause i'm not use to it. i figured it out last night that i have been living in reality probably for the first time in my life and that was why i was having such a hard time with the meds, but i guess i don't want to go back to the old way, i just want to adjust to this new way and fast!

 

good things come to those who wait though and i have waited along time. i tried myself on my own for a very long tiring time and finally at the expense of my relationship and an extremely wonderful patient (off and on) boyfriend, i had to take it a step further.

 

i will keep on the medicine, i want to get over this and if this discomfort is what will help then it'll be worth it.

 

thank you for your encouragement, i really needed it! my boyfriend don't fully understand this medicine thing, he things it's just a self-esteem issue, but is glad i'm on it anyway...............thank you again!

First, you are right. I can't advise you medically because I am not an M.D. and I have not examined you. However, my feeling is that you are doing GREAT and that you should STAY ON THE MEDICATION FOR NOW. It is doing it's job very well and achieving the results you have prayed for for so very long!!!!!!!! I am so happy for you I could jump for joy!!!!!!!!!

 

When we are accustomed to a certain behavior for a very very long time, it is very strange when that behavior stops, particularly if it's been done chemically without any particular effort on our part. You are so used to obsessing about things that you are in unfamiliar territory when you don't. You are actually having to go through a mourning or loss process because the medication is blocking neuroreceptors that caused this behavior.

 

This indicates that, for some reason, this behavior was serving you on an unconscious level. Celexa is an excellent drug with minimal side effects. It takes a while to achieve proper blood levels for its maximum effect to kick in. But it sounds like it is achieving the desired levels and working well. It is not uncommon for people who have felt ill or have been handicapped for many years to feel strange and uneasy when their illness is cured or their handicap is eliminated. When you are so used to living with a feeling and suddenly it's gone, you are bound to feel strange and uncomfortable until you get used to the new feelings. But celebrate the strangeness, embrace it...discuss it with your physician...but don't stop the medicine.

 

The same feeling would happen if someone had a fear of flying and started taking a medication that elminated this fear. If the person hadn't flown for 30 years, it would seem extremely odd that he/she could fly without the fear. It would be completely out of context with their reality.

 

Since you have lived with this obsession to be suspicious and jealous for many many years, it seems odd to you that these feelings are suddenly in check. Rejoice. Be happy. You will get used to it. Once your brain resets itself, and your doctor will know when that happens, you will be able to get off the medication and not have this problem. You have been trying to get to this place for so so long. Why in heaven's name would you want to stop the medication in order to put yourself back in the place you wanted to get out of????????

 

Just understand that there is a certain amount of discomfort in change, particularly in the change of long standing behavior. But this is a GREAT EVENT. If I was close to you, I would give you a hug, jump up and down, and drink a bottle of champagne. I AM SO VERY HAPPY FOR YOU I'LL JUST CELEBRATE RIGHT HERE WHERE I AM.

[Paulie]

Well, Believe me, I will post a detailed response to your post at a later time (I'm on my way out the door).

 

But as someone who has suffered OCD and depression to a great extent, I can say that Tony is pretty damn on the mark.

 

STAY ON THE MEDICATION. It's not changing who you are, or even how you think. It's regulating your seretonin levels, which allows your natural, healthy thought processes to function healthily.

 

Relax.

 

If you feel yourself having alot of anxiety, I would suggest that you speak to your therapist about a mild, non-addictive benzodiazepine (there are a few)to be taken sparingly if you begin to "freak-out.

 

Relax, and continue your therapy. And for heaven's sakes, don't fight the progress you're making!