How to Let Go?

[TailSpin75]

My brief story: Learned at the end of September that my STBX of 17 years was having an emotional affair (18 months) with another man (texts and phone calls). The next 2 and half months for me were horrible for me (daily anxiety attacks) as she confessed that she did not know if she wanted this marriage anymore. We began nesting - taking turns living in our apartment for a week at a time (me at home while she's at her dad's then switch on Sundays). On Dec 10th she let me know that divorce "is the right choice for me" and that she "didn't have 'those' feelings for me anymore". I moved out the day after Christmas and told her I didn't wish to interact with her for about a month. I called and saw my kids but had no interactions with her. We hashed out the details for the divorce (non contested - agreed on everything) on Feb 1st and papers have been submitted - the papers reflect our agreement precisely.

 

During that 2 months of limbo - we were getting along very well. In fact, we've gotten along very well throughout this entire ordeal - there's no hatred, no fighting or heated discussions, and we've been proactive in speaking with and getting the children counseling. I fought like hell to keep this family and marriage together - asked about 100 times why this is her choice and received 100 different answers. The marriage from my perspective was great - in fact, we were on our 17 year anniversary weekend (a trip she planned on 10 days prior to the Sept confession). I'm aware that she feels terrible that this is her choice - said she should have said something a year ago when she felt herself drifting away but that time has passed. I honestly ran out of words to say to her - had no other proposals or strategies I could even fathom. She told me on the first (when we had our divorce talk) that I have done everything I could to save this marriage, but she was just not there. [something else she mentioned which I wish she didn't was - you never know what will happen, nothing can't be undone, and my aunt & uncle were divorced for 8 years before getting back together].

 

I am now 11 weeks into this (apparently very long) recovery period since the divorce was announced. I asked her before parting ways on the 1st to not contact me (no calls, texts, emails, etc) - that I would need time (a lot of time) to be able to let the effects of this divorce settle. I contact my kids directly (they have cell phones of course) and see them frequently. STBX have agreed to 50-50 a week at a time - but I'm not in a place yet that large enough for me and the 2 kids, will likely buy a house by the end of summer.

 

I was with her since I was 17 years old - and without going into details, she was truly my dream girl. Since September I've been trying to resolve the woman in my mind's eye with the woman she actually is. I'm am trying to understand (in my mind) how she could 'act' completely happy and satisfied with the marriage - when she wasn't. My intuition let me to suspect she was drifting away - and I had asked her several times in the last year if she ever felt we were just roommates, to which she replied that she was happy. My point being - what was genuine to me, turned out to be an act. And the I've concluded that I was (am) madly in love with the character and really have no idea who the actress is. Our friends and family are all shocked that this has happened. Many say that we were the sort of couple (and family) that they strive to be like. I've been described as the type of husband that every woman would want and a father that most parents strive to be like. The family to me was the breath of life.

 

Those who have gone though an unwanted divorce (particularly when blindsided like this) can imagine - I am a hot f***ing mess these days. I missed a lot of work from Oct - Dec last year - fortunately my company has been incredibly understanding to my situation and very flexible. I have missed no time at work this year (I'm a Manager at a manufacturing plant). I'm down a lot - journal like crazy - and the persistent urge to contact her is subsiding. Mentally I understand what's happening - and I am committed to not interacting with her as I absolutely believe it will crush me or set me back in my recovery/progress. A war rages inside me between what my mind knows to be true and what my heart is so desperate to save. Of course, this is sad for me because there is nothing to save - that's the nature of divorce. I don't think about her constantly anymore and I've finally began to let thoughts of 'trying to figure this out' go. I understand that the only way to move forward is to let go of the past. So the infinite number of unanswered questions I have about her and what happened are starting to fade and I believe the answers to those questions do not matter, do not change the situation, and are likely things which I really do not want to know. There is so much 'data' I have in my head and to truly accept this ending (mentally as well as emotionally) - the last thing I need is more data.

 

This 'new life' - that of a part time father, a single man, and living alone - I do not want. But what can you do... I'm putting in the effort to embrace this change but at this stage cannot get excited about it. I do spend a lot of time by myself, pacing the halls of my mind, journaling, and talking with my sister (out of state) on the phone. I'm trying to pass time and let the grieving process run its course. I'm pretty sure I toggle between depression and denial. The depression I can handle (hurts more than I thought possible and is very persistent) - and denial I suspect because at times I feel like I'm waiting for a call from her that my mind knows will never come. I do my best to distract myself, TV's usually on but I'm not really watching, I have been devouring books (fiction and non-fiction), I pray (and as I've read in a book - try to walk with the Lord rather than run or jog with the Lord). The up's and down's are swift and relentless - and from what I've read can be expected for quite some time (not at all happy about that, but it is what it is).

 

My question... how do I know I am letting go? Of course, I still have very strong feelings for her and I constantly try to remind myself when I pine for her that she is not the woman in my minds eye (which is precisely why I'm in hell right now). I have been pretty bitter at times - but I have not gotten angry - in fact, friends ask how I'm not stark f-ing pissed off. (Anger is not usually a part of my character). My response is that when I think of how she is and what she's done (to the family, myself, and the kids) - I feel hurt, wish I felt angry (would be nice to feel something other than hurt). I'm trying to spend more time thinking about myself - what makes me tick, what I like, how I can spend my time... I'm still in a place where nothing else sounds good - no activities, hobbies, etc. I want to move forward, but feel that strong resistance which I've been fighting to overcome. It's as though I do not want to go out and enjoy life - but I do know in my mind that this will need to happen. Quality of life will be what I make it to be - but I have such a hard time getting outside the walls of my apartment or the confines of my office. I feel that I'm still in my cocoon, healing, processing - but at the same time, the walls are beginning to close in. I panicked briefly yesterday - wondering if I've been passing time waiting for this to 'go away' and for life to return to normal (my God I hope not). Am I going to have to force myself out to do things as friends suggest - or will I get out there when I'm ready - when I know it's the right time for me?

[Mack05]

Dude I think when you consider everything, you are doing awesome! 17 years is a long time. That's half your life!

 

Everything you are feeling is completely natural. You are just progressing slowly through the grief phases. Sadly there is no easy fix for this. Some people can't take the pain so they get involved in unhealthy activities like drinking, gambling, over eating, rebounds, casual sex etc etc. Others just deal with the pain and suffering like you are in the right way. Talking to family, spiritual, Journalling, Exercise. Being there for the kids.

 

When reading your post I was in awe of just how unselfish you are. She was the one that cheated, she left the marriage, yet you never made things worse for her or the kids. You agreed to a quick non contested divorce, organised counselling for the kids, made things as easy as possible for your ex.

 

There is nothing more you could have done. You tried to communicate with her when you knew something was wrong. You tried giving her space, so that she could work things out. You fought like hell when the chips were down. I tell you this will be her loss.

 

You guys met at such a young age. It's tough to keep a marriage going in this day and age when you have met so young. I think in time your ex will realise the grass isn't always greener.

 

Letting go and dealing with the full aftermath after 17 years (especially when you still love that person) will probably take years, not months or weeks. You just have to keep plugging on. You do this for you and your kids. Quitting on yourself is not an option. It sucks, it really does, but you should be awfully proud about how you are handling all this.

 

I think you just need to take small steps. Just doing little positive things everyday. Set short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one when you achieve them. Keep working through your emotions and don't feel guilty when you feel angry or sad. Just feel/acknowledge them and let them pass (meditation is great). Keep talking to family, if you feel you are being burden on them come here and vent. Let it all out. This site is great as people do genuinely care. It's a fantastic support network.

 

Feeling great again is going to take an abundance of patience and time. There will be savage emotional mood swings of ups and downs along the way. I promise you it will get better. You are way to awesome a guy not to meet someone incredibly amazing. That's for down the line though. In the meantime achieving happiness inside (outside of this marriage) is your greatest challenge. A challenge I have no doubt whatsoever that you are eventually going to succeed in.

 

There is no timescale for 'letting go' in a situation like this. It's a process, a journey. If this process and journey are done right you will end up leading a great life.

Edited February 21, 2013 by Mack05

[TailSpin75]

Thanks Mack for the input and encouragement. It is so discouraging at this stage - knowing the journey is so long. I, like most in this position I imagine, want nothing more than to get to that finish line, the end, the other side.

 

The commitment I have made to myself is 'no set backs'. To filter any action through the rational mind - and when the emotions are so strong that I can trust myself - to 'do nothing'. I really (I mean really) do not want this ending (or new beginning) - but accept that I have done all I could to prevent it. It is with such reluctance that I have moved forward, even this much. But do have the long term goal of recovering from this, in full, in the healthiest manner possible. I've not had a drink since this started, no drugs, and the idea of being with any other woman at this time feels wrong.

 

Amazing to me how even the simplest tasks - such as going out to get groceries can be such an overwhelming challenge. I often feel that there's more I can do - such as play racquetball, go out to eat with friends, or even be more productive at work. But this is truly consuming - extremely difficult to put aside and shockingly debilitating. I shall, however, keep chipping away - 'do' when I can and I must, but also keep taking the time in my cocoon to let the emotional process happen.

 

Again - thank you for the encouragement!

[TailSpin75]

Managed to force myself out of the apartment last night. Went to a Polish Hall with some co-workers for dinner. It was (probably as expected) - very challenging to have a 'good' time. It was better than staying home - but at this point, nothing really seems to be as enjoyable. I did my best to stay in the moment and not let my thoughts carry me off. At times I won the battle and at times I lost. Consider getting out a victory in itself though!

[GuyInLimbo]

Sounds like you're doing ok. It's going to take some time, man. So, don't beat yourself up over this. It could take a couple of years before you feel "normal."

 

You also have to realize that you have almost no experience being with anyone else, so she may very well NOT have been your dream girl. In fact, turns out she wasn't, was she?

 

One thing I didn't see or missed: Are you in therapy? If not, get your arse to a therapist starting TODAY. You need someone to guide you through this mess.

 

And DO NOT worry about being with other women right now. This is your time to re-discover yourself. I'm willing to bet your entire identity was wrapped up in her and you have no idea what makes you tick. Do you have to force yourself to get out? Yes. Sometimes you will. You need to step outside of your comfort zones. When you're ready, you'll know. I hope.

[TailSpin75]

Thanks Limbo - you bring up some great points. I have told myself the same thing about the dream girl - mine wouldn't put me in this place...

 

I saw a therapist from Oct - Jan. I've been devouring books on this subject and there does seem to be a range of opinions on how to move through this. My focus has been to have no set backs (not reach out to her) and to cope in healthy manner (not drink, no drugs, no gambling, etc). For most of Jan I felt like I was crawling around inside my skin and that God that has subsided. The physical symptoms have also been greatly reduced - shaking or sweaty hands, accelerated heart rate (the anxious and panic feelings). They still come and go but I do okay coping and reminding myself that I'll be fine. Still surprising how much I've got to push myself to 'do' or to live life.

[Mack05]

Still surprising how much I've got to push myself to 'do' or to live life.

 

Tailspin I have a different set of problems to you but the above statement is true. I say to myself how much hard work and sacrifice will it take before I finally start to see some genuine rewards.

 

The answer I don't know, but I truly believe the rewards will be worth it. They will for you too, but sadly the hard work can't be avoided. Just keep being honest with yourself. Keep doing with you are doing. You'll get there..

[worldgonewrong]

Tailspin75 - I just read your post, and it's funny (not ha-ha funny) because for some reason your post really put tears in my eyes. I've emerged (mostly) from the other side of my ordeal that started back in Fall 2010. And reading your words captured the freshness of that pain so...so clearly. I identified so much with what you wrote as a guy who woke up to find my now ex-wife had taken a hard right turn out of my life.

It's a death, truly.

Allow yourself time to grieve, to feel the pain, but to also breath out the pain.

There are going to be days where you'll feel like you're losing your ever-loving mind, but day-by-day, I swear you'll emerge stronger and better from this.

When those words were first told to me, I thought people were INSANE for suggesting that. I felt like I'd been shot in the head and they were offering me a bandaid.

In time, I realized they were right.

God bless, brother. Stay strong. STAY STRONG. You have your own life now; she doesn't own it, never did. Find out who you are, really are, now.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. I assiduously read 99% of the posts here, and I regard them all with a deep empathy. It was just that your particular post somehow triggered all those old feelings for me -- the remembrance of that pain.

 

But look, read my thread (if you dare! ha!), and you'll see. It's possible to be re-born.

[aMguilts]

TailSpin75

hello

how do you know your letting go?

No one can answer that for you

 

i`ll try if you like?

 

You WILL know, when you suddnely realise you have`nt thought of her for more than 5 mins at a time, or more to the point, you realise to YOURSELF , that you haven`t thought about her

or you woke in the morning and not dreampt of her.

i`ll cut this short

No one on here can tell you when that will be

 

your get a lot of `advice` on here about what to do and what not do do, to help or speed your `loss`

 

you`re in a process of `grieving`

you have `lost` something

 

Best advice I can give you?

Is to just let go.

remember the good times and be happy that you had those times together

 

aM

[Jamie Sweeney]

First off I'd like to say thank you for having the courage to post your issue on this forum, you may not realize it but that was a huge step towards recovering.

 

your position is an unfortunate one but this is the way of such an issue.

 

Being together with someone for such a period of time and resulting like this just plain sucks, having everything you devoted yourself to,loved and just simply lived for taken away just like that !

 

The fact that she hid her "true feelings" towards you and still hadn't told you them is downright disgraceful. Most of the time people like that hide the reason because they are deeply ashamed of something they have done,or because they are both ashamed of how they ended up feeling the way they are and scared to hurt the one they love (you). Now like you said, it might not be something that you want to know about but the truth is you deserved to know ! You're the one who did all you could to resolve it and in return you received 100 different reasons, when all you wanted was the one.

 

I'm glad to see that you have started a recovery process for yourself and hope that you keep endeavoring through these challenges, the fact that you have done this for yourself only proves further that (like Rob Schneider says) "You Can Do It !"

 

I would also like to say that you cannot keep "toggling" between Depression and Denial. You might believe that you can handle it but it will take its toll and quite frankly, who wants to deal with it ? I know you don't. You can't keep trying to just distract yourself from it because what ends up happening is like you said, you flip on the TV but you're not really watching, you try to read but in the back of your head your thinking about it. As hard as it may be and as dumb as this may sound, you have to sit yourself down when you start feeling down about it and tell yourself what really has to happen and stick to it...then you pat yourself on the back for doing what has to be done FOR YOU and in return, you will get the answer to your question. You will know you're letting go because you will start to feel like you again, knowing you've done what you had to to move on for the better.

 

So in the future weather it be a single life you live or with a smokin hot babe ( or 2 or 3 ) who's with you because you're you,in the end you'll be proud you did !

 

I hope I have helped.

 

Best wishes: Jamie Sweeney

[Steadfast]

When I was going through what you're going through, I'd let almost everything slip past the point of repair. I was recluse (hated being around people) and when I did have to leave home for work, my performance was poor. I was constantly reminded by everything that I'd lost...everything.

 

But I hadn't. Not everything. That was a key realization.

 

Hard as it was, I set priorities. First and foremost was being there for my kids. Not a long faced mess...but someone they could depend on. At first I had to fake it. Fake being happy...laugh...play music and cook meals they liked. In time, I wasn't faking it. My problems remained, I carried them.

 

Second priority was my work. To gain the focus I needed, I forced myself to eat healthy and exercise. It worked...well, as good as anything could. It took some doing to accept that my problems were mine; not my customers or co-workers. Sure, they cared, but life goes on, you know?

 

When my time came I called the shot. I read and wrote here, talked over my feelings and struggles with my support circle and worked on my plan for getting through the gigantic mess my ex had made. A couple of times I forced myself to leave home and travel...but it was a huge mistake. For me? The best thing was staying close to home. making that environment mine and allowing my heart to heal. I stopped trying to force anything, including losing feelings for the ex. Yes; long walks through my mind.

 

I pretty sure we all must go through the cycle of denial, anger, acceptance and grieving, but the tricky part is when those emotions combine. For me, my passions returned when I had worked through all of them. Still, it's a long process. Don't set a timetable. Indifference towards her will indicate best that you've moved on, but watch for those triggers. They'll get you-

[TailSpin75]

Thanks Jamie and Steadfast.

The emotional build up hit me (pretty hard) last night. Cried for a solid 5 hours. I was not dwelling on a particular thought - felt as though I was really grieving the loss of something that was very precious to me. Really recognizing that my life is going to be completely different and I was sad. After that 'release' - I reminded myself that things will be okay and that I don't have to figure everything out right now.

 

So much of it scares me (about this 'new' life). I really don't like being alone (though it's certainly not as bad as it was when I first moved out) and I not knowing what will happen can be overwhelming.

 

This morning I woke up and feel charged enough to revisit my life plan. I have the strength (at least this morning) to refine my plan and keep looking forward. The emotions are still there, some are heavy but they are not dibilitating. Still amazes me how seemingly insurmountable this emotional endurance challenge actually is...

[aMguilts]

rollercoaster

 

aM

[mkrainy]

hey tailspin75

 

I know exactly how you feel. Even though my husband and I only married for 1.5 years and together for 4 years, I still could not let go after almost 2 months. I couldn't concentrate on work and even though I hanged out with friends all the time, I could feel that I was never having any real smile from my heart. It's very tough process to recover from the divorce. Compared to your 17 years, my 4 years seem very short. Therefore, I could understand the pain that you go through must be much more times than I do for now given you guys have kid involved. Many people told me there was nothing i could do to recover except time. I hope you could feel better soon.

[Steadfast]

It takes, on average, two years before you're able to rediscover your passions and return to 'normal'. Whatever that is. I think, for most of us anyway, it's living without thinking about our ex every waking moment. But, like I said in my first post, it's not healthy (or in most cases, possible) to rush the process. You have to go through all the phases. It's normal, OK?

 

Still amazes me how seemingly insurmountable this emotional endurance challenge actually is...

 

Seemingly is the key word here. Truth is, you never will forget completely...especially after 17-years. That's how long I was married too.

 

At this point, which will be five-years (!) this summer, our marriage and time together is starting to feel like a dream. My ex has a serious boyfriend now and is making noise about getting married again. Two years ago, that news would have bothered me greatly. Now? I simply understand that's it's inevitable. Her many lies have all been exposed, but for her I'm sure the reasoning is all that was a 'long time ago.'

 

Most people want a relationship...hardly anyone I've met really wants to be alone. Some do though. They find happiness and fulfillment in different ways and don't feel the social pressure. I knew I was ready when I didn't automatically compare my girlfriend with my ex. Even when we disagree. i don't automatically assume she'll cheat, or lie. I don't feel victimized.

 

Allow this experience to change you for the better. Be stronger, smarter and more aware of what's good and bad for you. Demand nothing less. Until then, work through knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Keep posting.

[FrannyForty]

TailSpin75 - I read your story and it brought me to tears. I recently discovered my husband of 18 years is having an emotional affair as well. We have not yet separated due to financial constraints (basically I am not giving up my house). I realize that it is inevitable because he just doesn't want any parts of making this marriage work. God knows I have tried - but only I have tried!

 

While you don't make the road ahead of me sound very "fun" you do bring a sense of inspiration that things will improve. As I am sure you know it is hard to see that far ahead, but I came to this site with the hope of feeling a sense of security that what I am doing is okay and that I am not alone. Maybe it sounds wierd to be "thanking" you for posting your story, but please know that you brought hope to at least one person.

 

With that being said just remember you are not alone. Your attitude and reaction to this is incredible and you should be proud of yourself. Hang in there!

[TailSpin75]

Franny - I'm so sorry to hear of your situation as well; it truly is life changing. I also found myself coming here for the support of those who have been there and they have been wonderful!

 

Something I begin when hearing the news was to keep a journal. I want to be able to look back at 'my story' years from now and see how I overcame this adversity. I have already come farther than I thought was possible and at the same time wonder how I can go on. But we do...

 

I've been fortunate in life to have never had to grieve loss (and my marriage was something I never thought would make that list!) - but it is an experience. When the emotions are strong and intense - I just remind myself that I don't have to 'do' anything at that time. Usually bury myself in my journal - writing out what I feel and the thoughts I'm having at that time. When the emotions are not strong (which is a stage I'm just arriving at) - I do my best to pump myself up as I know the intensity will come, something will trigger it, and I'll get overtaken. But I also know that I'll be okay in the long run. And as our friends on this site describe - life after recovery promises peace and happiness!

[FrannyForty]

TailSpin do you mind if I ask how long it took you to physically leave the house? I assume you had a home together and you left? Also how old are your children and how are they doing? Sorry to be so personal I just am finding it difficult to find people close to me that truly understand. They say kick him out but it's not that simple.

[2.50 a gallon]

I was only married for 6 months when I caught the Ex cheating. A month later she wanted to reconcile, but I was determined to walk away and never look back.

 

My first problem was to find a way to get my mind off of her, as I could not stop thinking about her and missing her. The idea was to find an activity that diverted my thought process to something else, even if it was for a few seconds. And then find a way to turn the seconds into minutes, the minutes into hours, etc.

 

The first step was getting back into my hobbies. The next thought was here is my chance to explore other interests that I had found intriguing. I failed at raising orchids, but did succeed in learning how to breed rare and hard to breed tropical fish. These were a great time waster, as the water conditions had to be just right to get them to breed. Then once I had fry, it took time to prepare special food for them. Thirty years later I still have several tanks. And I also learned that when I started dating again most of the women were also intrigued by my fish, especially the babies, who when first hatched were smaller than a pin head.

 

Also, looking towards the future and getting back into the dating game, I realized that being able to cook some gourmet meals would surely be an asset. So I bought a book and began to teach myself. This was a triple reward, as the meals took more time to make, were delicious, and I was right the ladies loved them. Fifteen years later I met a gal, who in the looks department was totally out of my league. We have now been together for almost 2 decades, and I am positive one of the reasons I won her heart was my cooking ability. And to this day I do over 90% of the cooking.

 

Other avenues I didn't explore, due to lack of money and space were the keeping of lizards, and poison dart frogs. Poison dart frogs are exactly what they are named for, but are very colorful

 

You are still young yet, and have a lot of living to do. Expand your horizons, learn to cook, sky dive, race cars, etc.

 

Where I in your shoes, my first step would be learning to Salsa dance.

 

Followed by the samba, I have always wanted to go to Rio and watch them hotties dance, and who knows, maybe even dance with some of them after the parade. And maybe get a picture taken and send it to the Ex

[TailSpin75]

Franny - send me an email to [email protected]

[TailSpin75]

My youngest called me last night and when I asked what she was up to she mentioned 'family' that were coming to the house for dinner. I sat alone in my apartment feeling pretty abandoned and very lonely. It just felt like I should have been there...

 

Started the day out pretty sad (nearly everyday begins this way). Spent the morning pumping myself up as usual. Got to work and tried to jump right into things. I'm both fortunate and unfortunate that mine is a position where I can hide in my office - there's nothing that's 'hot' or vital that needs to be accomplished or produced. I'm able to focus and do what needs to be done when it needs to be done - but a great majority of my work day does not require my attention. So I sit here - shortly before lunch (still not eating very much) unable to escape these thoughts.

 

I've been toggling today between sad/hurt and anger. Not dwelling on particular thoughts but injecting the thoughts of how F-ed up she actually is. Wrestling with my mind separating the real her from the one I thought she was.

 

I'm here posting with the hopes of getting some of this out and maybe being able to get some kind of work done. A part of me feels reluctant to push aside these thoughts and just dive into work. Another part feels that I won't be able to keep them aside. I know they'll be there though - even if I can get into something else, they will be there to fill the thought void when I've completed what I'm working on.

 

So I'm sad for the loss (marriage, her, the family as I knew it, the old life, the vision I had for the future). And I'm angry (that she's not who I thought she was, that she's made a choice that was right for her - that put me in this hell, that she's completely selfish).

 

On the positive side - there are no wants, needs, or urges to contact her or to hear from her. I've done very well with the no contact - but today there is no sense of these things.

[gansome]

Heart wrenching stuff and very raw.

 

You are an inspiration to many, your composure and methodical thinking will get you through I'm sure. I can't even eat or work at this stage so you are doing so well. I had a huge breakdown yesterday (you'll see from my first post today). Having cried most the day released so much built up stress.

 

Yes, it's returned today like everyday but I have my kids here which really does take my mind off it all, I can put on a front and be there Dad, important to them. It's times when I wont have them (from Wed night) which is when I need to learn to pre-occupy myself, with SOMETHING, anything!

 

All I can say is that I'm glad I've got a bloody dog, who's loyal and likes to walk, fresh air does me good and gives me some company at night when alone.

 

Keep strong, you're doing amazing.

[Heferaton]

Sorry to hear Tailspin! I hand it to you to be able to tell your story like this. I couldn't get into the depth of my story it hurt too much. Stay strong your kids will be better for it and good luck with what ever the future holds for you!

[TailSpin75]

Spent a good part of the day yesterday running away from these feelings. I managed to be productive at work and avoided too much time in my office. After work I went to the post office to pick up a computer my sister sent me. Spent the first part of the evening setting it up, configuring it to my liking, and allowing myself to be distracted. A friend came over and we talked for a couple of hours.

 

Those feelings lingered - sadness, anger, loneliness, but I did not address them nor the thoughts which were causing them. I've grown so tired of running through the same information only to arrive at the same unwanted place. No contact is not the persistent struggle it was weeks ago and even when the urge is strong - it's easy to dismiss and fades quickly.

 

This day greets me with ambivalence - a feeling of sadness which threatens to plunge into a depression and the bitterness which seems on the verge of rage. I sit alone in my office wondering which emotional state will become me today and question what I can do to influence the outcome.

 

I choose to honor the grieving process and come here to purge myself of these thoughts, knowing I cannot truly escape them, but I can continue to get them out. I am sad for the life I have lost, the home I have known, the peace, comfort, and security of the family I had been a part of for so many years. I am sad in this new life, no one to wake with in the mornings, to come home to, or to lay to rest with. I am sad for the lack of companionship, eating alone, and the loss of intimacy.

 

I am angry for being cast aside, betrayed, abandoned. I am angry for being given a life which I did not choose. I am angry that the future I had imagined has been taken away. I am angry that this grieving process takes so long and that my heart cannot let her go all at once.

 

Counseling appointment this afternoon and a need for me to be productive at work today. I accept that I will carry these feelings with me (as I have) and appreciate being able to transfer some of their weight to this forum.