How to Let Go?

[FrannyForty]

Tail- I think you should take a yoga class. You truly have to center your life and remind yourself that you are the most important person in your life. Yoga really helps me to remember that fact!

 

Do you have any hobbies? How about something that you have always wanted to do? Go do it. You deserve to put your needs first right now. I know it is so flipping hard because the emotions plague your thoughts, but you have a strong spirit and you will find a way.

 

Hang in there my friend.

[TailSpin75]

Thanks FF - I have been slowly bringing myself up. As most of us know - nothing about this process is quick, and I've learned to be patient. I've been considering hobbies - but have not yet made that leap to dive into one (though I sense that time is coming). I continue to read as an effective distraction but also take the time to look at my 'self' introspectively. Such a process (grieving and recovering)... dealing with and processing emotions, seeing what I like and what makes me tick, continuing to do what needs to be done (time with kids, job, eating), all with continuing to move forward into a life that was not my choice.

 

That you for the encouragement FF (yoga... I like that idea!)

[worldgonewrong]

Poison dart frogs are exactly what they are named for, but are very colorful.

 

Cheating spouses, poisoned dart frogs - tomayto, tomahto.

[Healing1979]

When I was looking for a forum for struggling divorcees I can across this one and the first post I read was yours. I registered after reading what you had to say.

 

You seem very articulate and a great guy. Keep your positive attiutude. I have no doubt that you will find happiness again.

 

Life as we know it can be so hurtful.

[RebuildingMom]

I hear you tailspin. I'm going on 4 months and I'm still at a point where my STBX is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep. I'm looking forward to the day that doesn't happen - in the meantime, I work out every morning, and plan out my free time whether it's redecorating my space to obliterate everything that reminds me of the STBX, taking the kids someplace new or whatever, if it's new my mind doesn't wander as much because I'm learning or experiencing something new. I journal what comes into my mind - negative and positive things that pop in it. From that I've made lists of things I want to do (bucket lists I guess) and list every mean thing I wish I could say to my STBX - I feel it takes a load off and and also gives me things to really think about as short and long term goals. My friends are priceless. And I restrict every type of contact that I can control (restricted Facebook, hidden chat, no texts). I pretend my STBX is dead (even though he's not of course) because you know what - he IS dead to me.

 

And sometimes I just need to cry...

 

Anyway you're not alone, you hang in there (and I will too!)

[2.50 a gallon]

They say love is a choice. They haven't lived in my shoes.

 

When I caught my Ex cheating, then I had a choice. I knew had to do exactly what you are doing, but it hurt like hell.

 

Who in their right mind would chose to keep hitting their thumb with a hammer. That is what if felt like, but with a lot more pain.

 

From one who has been there, it does get better.

[TailSpin75]

RebuildingMom - sorry to hear that we're in similar places. I could learn a lot from you in terms of planning my free time. It also seems that we are taking a pretty similar approach in our recovery and rebuilding. It continues to amaze me how challenging life has been with such charged and present emotions (whatever they are). I have also taken the approach of considering my STBX as someone who dead TO ME. I speak directly with my children (their cell phone) and while I'm still in transition (looking for a place to call my own where they too will have their own space) - I coordinate time with them directly. This forum has been an amazing part of my support network and has really given my the faith that I (we) will be okay.

 

So counselling was okay but don't think I'll go back for a month or so. I was completely upfront about what I've been feeling, thinking, and doing. I was seeing this guy for months before the divorce was declared - he's got a solid background on my situation. He claimed that these feelings and thoughts which dominate my consciousness are the nature of the beast. Said (as we all know) that recovery takes time and that life is and will continue to be a daily struggle. He stressed the importance of getting the thoughts and feelings our - to talk them out or write them out, and the need for physical activity at this time. He also stressed the importance of getting out but cautioned not to force things. Lunch, dinner, movie, coffee, etc with friends is great. But if I didn't feel up to larger social events, a concert, bar hoping downtown, etc - not to force it, said I would know when I'm ready for the more social interactions.

 

Today is a good day... feeling ambivalent - which seems to becoming the norm (of course, maybe there is no norm). Where yesterday the hurt was more present than the bitterness - today is the opposite. Beginning to forget what happiness feels like, but it's nice when the dominate feeling of the day is not sadness, pain, or hurt.

[TailSpin75]

Had a good day yesterday - a very good day. In fact, was the best day I've had in months. Nothing happened either - there was no change in perspective, no thought or action that caused the mood. The emotions were just not really there yesterday. It was easy to engage and interact with people at work yesterday. I enjoyed not carrying around the heavy weight of the emotions, content that I was not miserable or angry or hurt.

 

Then last night I received an email from her. It was simple too - non personal, just an FYI. I didn't reply (a reply was not even necessary). It got the wheels in my head turning though. My mind automatically began to plow through the vault of data I had accumulated from the previous interactions that led up to this point. I tried like hell to get away from it - to read, watch a movie, talk with my sister. The thoughts were relentless.

I went out with a buddy for half priced appetizers and drinks (I haven't had a drink since all this started). While I didn't get drunk - I a little passed buzzed. Went to bed late and woke up early this morning. The thoughts are starting to lose their persistence, but they're still there. The life, strength, confidence, control I experienced yesterday is not present today. I am aware that there are good days and there are bad days during the course of this process. Where yesterday was a good day - today is... still settling in, to be determined.

[2.50 a gallon]

I know how the thoughts are relentless

 

Here is another thought

 

As a general rule of thumb, cheaters affair down, and over time betrayed spouses, given time find someone new, who will be many levels above what you have lost. It probably won't happen in the next few months, but sometime in your future, a year or two or more from now, it will happen

 

It sure happened to me, for the past 17 years I have been sharing my life with an awesome woman, whose looks, are totally out of my league. And to top it all off she is the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. And even more, she is totally in love with me.

 

In the looks department, she has long legs, and even though a granny about to turn 60, she still has and hour glass figure, can you say eye candy. She takes great care of her facial skin, and still has the looks of a 40 year old.

 

I found a photo of my Ex on the internet, I am so lucky I don't have to kiss that every morning. We're talking easily 200 pounds, and double chin.

 

I now say, divorce while terrible, was the best thing that ever happend to me.

[TailSpin75]

Thanks for the encouragement 2.50. I am settling in to the process - the recovery. I have learned (and continue to learn) that I must be patient in this journey. I have dedicated myself to honoring the grieving process and to keep moving forward. I've learned that (despite my preference) this is not a linear process. That today doesn't have to be better than yesterday and tomorrow does not have to be better than tomorrow. There will be good days and there will be bad days.

 

I do like your story 2.50 - having read about your hobbies including cooking. It is inspiring and reminds me that there is peace to be had and love to be found again. Until then, I aim to rid myself of this emotional 'baggage'.

[ver13]

No one will ever hit you as hard as life it's self the question is not how much it hurts but how fast you get back on your feet for the next round. You don't sound like a quiter which put you on the side of the fighters this is good to hear. 17yrs is a long time but face it you never truly new how long it would last in the first place. No one knows how long and what will happen as we live through this life thing. With that said the only real thing that we have is right now what we are doing at this moment. I say this because I have lived it and know that it is true. A little while back I was driving through afghanistan going about my daily business and it dawned on me that it all didn't matter. What I am say is if my team got smacked life would go on as always. What really mattered was what I was doing right at that moment because that was all that I had. I realized that all I could do was try to be a better person for my family if I made it home. How keep in mind that my wife of 18yrs had other plans and I deserved that I put work before family and me before them. In the end we are still trying to make it and I still don't know if it will workout but thats okay. What really matters is what I do and how I live through everyday that my eyes are open. I can only truly effect me and thats a good thing what my W will do I have no control over nor do I want it. Focus on your relationship with your kids give them love and follow through on your promises the best that you can. The W thing just is that a thing which you have no control over but you have control over how you let it effect you. it's time to live and I do mean live what time you have with your eyes open. There will always be regrets just as there will always be accomplishments now is the time to focus on the new accomplihments that you have yet to achieve personally.

[MsOptimist]

I've been following your thread and I have been through a very similar situation (with no kids involved though). You are hanging in there amazingly well.

 

It certainly isn't a linear process - as much as I keep picking myself up off of the floor and trying to muddle through there are setbacks. I am 6 months out from when the bomb was dropped and I have been moved out and living on my own for 5 months.

 

Over time the setbacks tend to become easier to handle though and are not as all-consuming. Things that I would've spent hours crying over in the beginning will sometimes only cause me to tear up for a minute and then it passes. Just acknowledging when the feelings surface and not stifling them has been key for me.

 

Take the positive moments and days and cherish them and know that there will be many more as you move through and past this. I remind myself that I WILL get through this and I will be happier than I ever was.

 

Definitely look into hobbies. I have immersed myself in my hobbies (running, working out, and volunteering at a friend's avian center). I've used running to simply relieve stress and clear my mind, but also to meet new like-minded friends in the area and learn the best running routes in my new area. It really helps to have a group run scheduled on a dark and cold winter night vs. spending the evening alone!

 

I'm also looking forward to spring because I want to join a cycling club in the area, and there are also lots of spring bird migration outings in this general area. I'm big into birds and that will be something that can keep me busy while still meeting new people - I'm not looking at new groups and new friends as opportunities to date, just as opportunities to broaden my social circles. It can't hurt to have plenty of options of things to keep busy with as we continue to figure ourselves out and figure out what we enjoy doing!

 

Just keep going and thinking positive. You'll have setbacks every now and then, but they will pass.

[TailSpin75]

Hi MsOptimist - I actually sought out your initial posting (since looking at your Still surviving and trudging through thread). I have read through to see your struggle - the ups and downs and have been inspired by the number of times you have picked yourself up. I see you as a strong woman - who is hurting and doing her best. I do hope you are proud of that - your postings show someone who has come far (even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes).

 

I have come a long way myself - not regarding my healing but in regards to my approach, my method (I wrote about it hoping to help out Healing1979 on her thread: I wish I could turn back time - it's a long posting, but accurately describes my 'refined' approach at recovery).

 

My biggest adjustment has been with expectations. Finally accepting that this process will take time and that the feelings (the ups and downs) are going to be with me during this process. I've learned how to not dwell and to not grab the thoughts that do not serve me as I move on. (Those can be tough, some questions still burn but their answers do not serve me and will likely only bring me more pain). And you are right in what you said - thinking positive - something I'm learning to do, even when I'm down.

 

I appreciate your support and encouragement MsOptimist. We are on our way and we will be okay!

 

P.S. - I've taken the term 'set backs' out of my list of terms. I instead accept that (as this is not a linear process) - there will be good days and there will be bad days. It's a mindset that I find works with me - I no longer question if I'm making progress (and therefore don't stress and question myself on the bad days).

[MsOptimist]

I know exactly what you mean when you say that looking for answers don't serve you well, and that sometimes finding the answers only causes more pain - very true! I have gotten some closure when finding answers, but awhile ago I made the decision to stop wanting or trying to find all the answers. I had to accept that I may have some of them.

 

Good point about eliminating "set back" from your vocabulary - I will try to do the same!

 

Thanks for seeing strength in how I've begun to pick myself up - that's a nice thing to hear and I also see a great amount of strength in you. You're facing this head on and it's one of the toughest things in life to face, especially when we're the ones who never wanted this in the first place.

[TailSpin75]

MsOptimist - you should change your name to MsAwesome! Appreciate your encouragement.

 

I've learned to trust (through this process, the recovery, the healing) that making a decision to 'do' or commit to something does not equate to instant change. But I have experienced the benefit of sticking to a method or a commitment. Something's got to be working!

[Shocked Suzie]

This is my 1st post on here, ive just reading your post had bought a tear to my eye and hit a very raw nerve as I have dealt with my very recent separation in a very similar way! My husband of 16yrs walked out a week before Xmas after having an affair for only a few months... Me n the kids are shell shocked to say the least! I too have not got angry and people say to me that I've made things very simple for him because of this, but I feel that he doesn't deserve an ounce of the precious energy I have, I'd rather give that to my two children. If this helps .., it dawned on me only yesterday ' I feel stronger this week, which spun me out' I realized that the reason I feel like I'm in a slightly better place is that the person I married..loved ...remember has gone, he doesn't exist anymore, he's dead in a way! Realizing this made me feel so much better. I will soon loose my beautiful home and have to rent a tiny two bedroom apartment and sleep in the lounge, due to unknown credit cards debt, all in his name..,. I was overwhelmed with the thought of this too, but you know what ' who gives a crap' I'm gonna start a fresh, have some me time and rise above it all!

 

Take each day as it comes, do early morning exercise and kick ass!!! Grab your new start by the horns n stick ya finger up to your ex!!! Yes we will get those low days but make it your aim to make those days less and less! I find minimal contact is best via email only, I've got a huge mountain to climb over the next few months as he is giving my zero support, money, selling the house even with the kids as he's not happy they don't wana meet the GF yet 'their choice'... But all that just makes me more determined to get him out of my life as much a possible, so I can have my fresh start.

[TailSpin75]

Suzie - I like your perspective and your positive attitude! Very sorry to hear that we are navigating our way through similar struggles.

 

Shell-shocked is a fitting description of how I view my life these days. That shock doesn't come as frequently as it use to but will still hit me (sometimes pretty hard) from time to time. Where this 'new' life has been such a challenge to embrace and the 'old' life being one that I pine for - I have taken to the one day at a time approach. In the last week or so - finally being able to get excited (at times) for this new future.

 

This forum is a collection of truly amazing people. Those of us trying to stay afloat on a sea of mixed and at times intense emotions. The ones who have been there and successfully made it back to shore and are compassionate enough to share in their experiences. All of us with our own story and our own journey - doing the best we can. I do find comfort, support, and encouragement in this forum. It's also a dumping ground for some of this burden - so I don't have to carry it with me when it feels too heavy.

 

Stay strong Suzie and I hope you keep posting!

[Shocked Suzie]

Only found this site today, it's very open, helpful and honest!

 

It is hard, its quite unreal that a person can do this to someone who they have history with, loved and have had children with! It's like dealing with a total stranger!! It knocks me sideways when that wave of realization sweeps over me when I least expect it! ..... It's gonna take time! But i know I'm now going in the right direction

 

That's good that you've felt those glimmers of hope, they will get stronger! Mine have... I've found the past week it's now two steps forward and only one back. Have you tried counseling? If you find the right one it does help, mine thinks I'm in a bit of denial... Might be, but I've never been a person to mess about once my mind is made up and I keep myself very busy which gives me a goal and keeps me positive!

 

Look forward to watching us both and others grow,and get over this awful chapter in our lives ...

[TailSpin75]

Suzie - I have done counseling, weekly at first, but have since stepped away from it. There's no doubt a benefit (mainly with coping techniques) but the nature of this struggle is such that it cannot be taken away for us - we must make our own way through. I did have a session earlier this week - just to touch base and perhaps get some 'calibration' as I venture forward. But I also learned early on - that what must be done to get through this is not the difficult part - it's carrying, processing, and coping with the emotions that make it difficult.

 

Denial was something that I spoke with my therapist about this week and I'll share what I learned and how it's helped me. For myself, I found it to be a frustration when the thoughts of 'How could this happen', 'I can't believe this is my life', or 'Is this really happening' washed over me. When those thoughts hit - I questioned whether or not I was making progress, or I'd stress about knowing that I knew this is real and felt something was 'wrong' when I had those thoughts. My therapist says denial is not only a good thing - but a necessary thing. That it's the psyche's way of protecting itself from getting overwhelmed from such a traumatic experience. So I've learned (am learning) not to stress or question myself when those thoughts do hit me. It's an expected part of the process and a real testament to how destructive a situation such as our truly is.

 

Something else I'll share (not a criticism as I believe we must all find and stick to our own method) is that the 2 steps forward 1 step back perspective was another source of stress and frustration to me. I've learned - there are good days and bad days - and that everyday is a step forward. So now - when I'm have a bad day - I don't view it as a set back, it's easier for me to accept that it's just one of 'those' days - and don't take on the unwanted stress that my old perspective brought about.

 

I must say... I do love your attitude and confidence. I can tell that you also struggle and experience the ebb and flow of emotions that's expected for us - but you also seem to get right back up with every knock down. And I think that's an amazing ability and a reflection of your strong character.

 

Misery loves company - I also look forward to our successful recovery!

[Shocked Suzie]

Thank you Thats a great way of thinking and ill take that on board myself, Seems to me that we are both doing well, able to take advice and highlight the good/bad days which is really something... we will get there eventually!! just gotta get through this messy stage and learn by it in a positive way....

[TailSpin75]

Ebb and flow. Furious yesterday - had to call her to discuss financial matter. We had each taken 1 credit in splitting the debt. Both cards are in my name - therefore the debt is all in my name. I asked she open a card - transfer the entire balance and remove her portion of the debt from my name. The card is closed - no new charges can be applied to it. She said she can't get a card in her name. Told her I didn't believe that - she makes $75K / year and only has student loan debt in her name. I asked that she make the effort and she said she would try (which I don't believe). Furious - because I cannot get a mortgage loan with my debt to income ratio right now... would make all the difference if her portion of the debt was not in my name. Card company cannot change the debt to her name until the divorce is final (could be up to a year). Would rather not rent... pretty limited options in this area and want to keep the kids in the same school district and be able to take them for a full week, every other week. Our talk was calm and cordial - she still feels bad (guilty?) about how this has affected me. While I wanted to blast off on her more than anything - I managed to just keep it business like. Never let them see you sweat - right...

 

Doing better today. This entire ordeal seems to be an emotional endurance exercise in coming to grips with not getting what I want or prefer. Learning to keep taking thing in stride. I poured out my anger into my journal - just abused my body with exercise, and went out for a couple of beers with friends.

 

Time to start developing a plan B for where I will live.

[Yasuandio]

You are doing great at controlling yourself. That was something that took a lot of time (years), for me to master. Great work! Yas

[TailSpin75]

So... as I've come to learn during this healing and recovery process - I've got to find something to do with time. It is a new and different life and spending time simply walking through my mind is neither fun nor productive. I've done alright the past couple of weeks - but there are blocks of time where I'm not motivated and am unable to successfully distract myself. I had some plans today - to work on a plan B for me, to clean up the apartment, and set some things up for tomorrow (again to fill time). Was looking forward to watching some movies today that I've got in the apartment, but couldn't get into them.

 

Recently - my sister sent me a lap top computer. So I decided to take my journals (all hand written since) - which I have made entries in every day since 11/29/12 (at a time when I was in limbo) - and begin transforming them into digital form. I carried my journal everywhere and poured myself into them multiple times a day. I've been descriptive as to what was happening in my life, how I felt, what I thought, etc. I was aware that keeping a journal was recommended as a tool to the grieving process. I also thought when I began journalling - that I will look back at this 'dark period' of my life and see the adversity I overcame. That I could see how crushed I was and how much of a struggle it was to simple live life moment to moment.

 

I've transcribed just over a weeks worth of entries. My goodness was I a complete mess in those days. I recall every entry - where I was - how I felt, and I wonder if transcribing is a good idea. Emotionally I feel very stable right now - I am committed to my course of action - honor the grieving process and heal in a healthy fashion. I'm certainly not in a place (yet) where I feel this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, but in reading back on what I've gone through - it does galvanize my belief that what's happened is not right or fair. I have accepted that the process is long and slow - and it sucks (no other way to describe it). Not what I thought I'd be doing today... will be interesting to see if there's a blow back from this activity.

[Yasuandio]

This is very normal Tailspin. My divorce was final in September, but it took four years to get divorced from a 27 year marriage (by that time). I have a lot of time on my hands - and am not anywhere near productive. Something is dead tired in me - and it shows in my sleeping habits the last few months. I need at least ten hours of sleep - if left to my own devices I can sleep 12 hours straight. And strangly, I am tired, and need to sleep in the daytime. I'm sure it is medication related, but the meds really are the same as they were before the divorce.

 

Luckily, I do not have to be at a job. This divorce and what led up to it has really been an ordeal. The word I would use to describe this feeling is paralyzed. That lack of motivation you are speaking of -- there are so many things calling out for attention, stuff that needs to be done, yet you just don't feel like doing anything. It seems really difficult for me to hang up my coat sometimes, really. Yas

[TailSpin75]

Yas - you're absolutely right - the events leading up to, the process of, and the divorce itself is so destructive that it's near impossible to not feel paralyzed. Things for me really settled down (the point where I no longer had physical symptoms because of this situation) when I finally accepted that the process is slow and long. Makes sense that everyone will process and progress in their own way and in their own time. I found that I took on a lot of stress when I was getting upset at some of the feelings and thoughts that kept coming up. Now, I just put in my mouthpiece and buckle my seat belt and take each day as it comes. It's truly a good day when I can do the things I set out to do.

 

I do appreciate your contributions Yas - a four year divorce after 27 years of marriage (I read some of your early postings too) - sorry to hear what you've been through and am glad that you're around to share some of the things you have learned from your experiences.