How to Let Go?

[2.50 a gallon]

TS75

 

 

Nerd! That's me nowadays.

 

In college, all I knew was I loved history. They tried to make me a high school teacher, might have made it but when offered an apprenticeship in a trade, and it was either / or. As there wouldn't be time for classes, though I did find time to fulfill my requirements for an A. A. degree, of which I now had no use for.

 

Was always and outdoor enthusiast, hiking, fishing, photography. But reading interests, science, astronomy, and lots of history.

 

When we married we moved across country. About 6 months after the separation, while driving by the local university decided to check out the coeds. Got caught in a quick intense rain shower and the nearest shelter turned out to be the graduate library. While waiting out the rain took down a century old book and began to read. Fifteen minutes later by accident discover the answer to mystery that had remained unanswered since the turn of the century. I knew something that not even the historical scholars knew. The adrenaline rush was that like a kid on Christmas morning.

 

I had found myself. The past 3 decades have been into historical research. I haven't been fishing since. Vacations are now spent in the libraries of distant universities and historical societies.

[worldgonewrong]

While waiting out the rain took down a century old book and began to read. Fifteen minutes later by accident discover the answer to mystery that had remained unanswered since the turn of the century. I knew something that not even the historical scholars knew.

 

Elaborate, please; now I'm curious!

[2.50 a gallon]

A month after my separation, I had a brief revenge affair with one of the my OM's wives. The emotional change within me dramatic. I still hurt, was still on the roller coaster, but just having a pretty face asking me to come out an play, began to rebuild my manhood.

 

Shortly before I discovered my flair for historical research, one of my co-workers had had enough of her husband and moved out. We now had something in common. In my lifetime I have only met a few ladies that I knew I could kiss good morning to for the rest of my life. And she was one of them. She was just about to turn 30.

 

And she was educated. When I dropped out of college, I had discarded much of my knowledge on how to write term papers, knowledge which I now needed as it soon became evident, that I had the skills to research, and begin writing books. Within months two were already on the drawing boards. And it was she that helped me relearn my old skills, such as micro films, interlibrary loans, the whole 9 yards. She was totally behind me, encouraging me all the way.

 

Then I began to develop deep feelings for her, and she was ahead of me in that department.

 

To me it all seemed too easy, rebound relationships don't last. My emotions were still all over the place, so before I got too deep I backed off.

 

I now deeply regret letting her go. Maybe a bigger mistake than marrying my Ex.

[TailSpin75]

Elaborate, please; now I'm curious!

 

Me too! Please tell!

[Shocked Suzie]

Something I've been hesitant to post about... but am thinking it's time for some input.

 

A couple of weeks ago I met a woman (by complete chance - wasn't a 'set-up' meeting). We hit it off, exchanged phone numbers and have been texting quite a bit in the past couple of weeks.

 

Her story... how she got to where she is in life now - is an interesting one (as are most people's story I think). Last week I had mentioned to her that it sounded like she found peace in her life over the past 2 years to which she said she has and is looking to share that with someone. Now I consider myself to be an open and honest person and confessed to her that I have not found peace in my life and am not in a position where I could be a part of a 'healthy' relationship - that it would not be fair to her or me at this time. I said I didn't want there to be any 'mixed' signals or misunderstanding - that I was enjoying getting to know her and hanging out but did not want to mislead her either.

 

The amount of interaction with her is increasing and am finding out that she's kind of a 'nerd' like myself and a huge fan of science which I also enjoy. I have shared with her 'where' I am in this divorce - even told her that not a day goes by where I'm not a hot mess at some point during the day. That I do not pine or long for STBX but that I still have a lot of emotions to process and 'things' about me and my future that I need to resolve. She has also been through a divorce (4 years ago) and it's obvious from our discussions that she understands adapting to the 'new' single life.

 

I feel like I'm treading a fine line and she has been saying how much she 'really likes' me and 'appreciates' me. Very nice things to hear no doubt - and I find myself starting to 'really like' her as well. I have no doubt that I'm in a... vulnerable position here - maybe 'easy' to get more involved to fill a void or something like that.

 

She's very attractive, has a good job and takes care of herself, has no children (but is a large part of her niece's life as 'mom' is not in the picture - her niece actually attends same middle school as my oldest), and is an overall positive and pleasant person to be around.

 

Anyone been in this situation? Is this a relationship where 'friendship' can happen and not turn into something more? What's the view from an outsider perspective?

 

Ok how did i miss this!!!! ;)

 

Slow and honest all the way!! And go for it! xxxx

[TailSpin75]

2-hours on the phone with my 'lady' friend last night. We discussed the nature of our 'relationship', where it was heading, and expectations. I was a very good discussion. There is something so... refreshing when you feel understood - when they communicate with you in a way that tells you they 'get it'.

 

A few months ago I could not have imagined having eyes for anyone but STBX. This 'new' relationship has done wonders to shift that perspective. As seems to be the case with everything in this recovery process - that perspective will take time to settle into place - all the more reason that slow and steady seems to be the only wise method for proceeding.

 

Get the girls tonight for a few hours and am very much looking forward to that!

[2.50 a gallon]

TS71

 

I am happy for you. You have already found the light at the end of the tunnel. This one might not be the one for you, but now you know that in the future there is going to be a better life.

 

Alas, the roller coaster ride is not over, but for now you have a cushion for the falls.

 

As for rebound relationships. They can and sometimes do work. My current love of my life is an example. She was totally in love with her live in boy friend when we met. They had combined their two families for a good 5 years.

 

I am 7 years older than her, and had just turned 50, he was 3 years younger than her, approaching 40, and a tall good looking Steven Segal look a like. Her favorite actor, and he was a former semi pro boxer.

 

They had only separated 4 weeks prior to our first date. Their plan was to reunite once he got cleaned up from drugs. And while he was away she would test the dating world as it was something she had missed by marrying young.

 

Second date, first kiss, and I was a goner, as for the first time in 15 years I realized I was lonely. I almost threw in the towel as I figured, I had no chance.

 

Lucky for me I decided to stick it out.

 

I just got my good morning kiss. 17 plus years and I still am thrilled to kiss her.

Edited March 27, 2013 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

WGW and TS71

 

Sorry to do so, might reveal my identity. Maybe not to you, but another LSer

[2.50 a gallon]

TS71

 

If you ever get the chance, read some old newspapers or old magazines.

 

It is a kick reading of their latest scientific theories.

 

And you never know what you are going to find. I once read an interview given by Al Spaulding, (the same name as on my child hood basketball and football), who was then player manager of the Chicago baseball team, on the up coming new baseball season.

 

What a kick

[TailSpin75]

Had myself a pretty good weekend! My youngest and I had a terrific day Saturday together and I look forward to seeing her tonight as well. Also spent a lot of time with my new lady friend ^^.

 

Regarding STBX... WGW's insight is proving to be correct - it's a 'pick and choose' my battles matter. I don't care to post the 'details' from our brief interactions since the end of last week... but wish to note that they do (as is expected) cause a storm of emotion within me. While the weekend was great - I did hit some lows... some deep ones too - but I've learned to 'ride out' those storms.

 

I find that this... whole 'situation' is something which I can 'look' at, think about, and feel when I'm the one that brings it up in my mind. It's so different when receiving communication from her - when she's the one that bring it to my attention. I've often expressed in my journal - that the situation is a constant, it's my thoughts and perspectives that seem to shift. I almost never want to 'look' at it when it's brought up by anyone other than me.

 

I also continue to be a witness to my children's suffering - not by way of 'discussions' but by way of 'one-liners' they throw out there when they're with me. They're in counselling and express the fact that they enjoy having someone to talk with and to learn how to cope with strong emotions - but also confess to me that this still sucks and that they do not understand it. I admitted to them yesterday that I'm not sure I understand it either but have no doubt that we are and will be okay. My heart breaks for my children - I wish this were not an experience that they would have to go through. What kind of mother could do this to her children?

[Shocked Suzie]

Had myself a pretty good weekend! My youngest and I had a terrific day Saturday together and I look forward to seeing her tonight as well. Also spent a lot of time with my new lady friend ^^.

 

Regarding STBX... WGW's insight is proving to be correct - it's a 'pick and choose' my battles matter. I don't care to post the 'details' from our brief interactions since the end of last week... but wish to note that they do (as is expected) cause a storm of emotion within me. While the weekend was great - I did hit some lows... some deep ones too - but I've learned to 'ride out' those storms.

 

I find that this... whole 'situation' is something which I can 'look' at, think about, and feel when I'm the one that brings it up in my mind. It's so different when receiving communication from her - when she's the one that bring it to my attention. I've often expressed in my journal - that the situation is a constant, it's my thoughts and perspectives that seem to shift. I almost

never want to 'look' at it when it's brought up by anyone other than me.

 

I also continue to be a witness to my children's suffering - not by way of 'discussions' but by way of 'one-liners' they throw out there when they're with me. They're in counselling and express the fact that they enjoy having someone to talk with and to learn how to cope with strong emotions - but also confess to me that this still sucks and that they do not understand it.

I admitted to them yesterday that I'm not sure I understand it either but have no doubt that we are and will be okay. My heart breaks for my children - I wish this were not an experience that they would have to go through. What kind of mother could do this to her children?

 

I'm glad you've had a pretty good week and to hear you've spent some time with your lady friend Think I should begin to make an effort to date, although I need to make some effort to get myself out there a bit... Will have to join some clubs n rebuild my social life at some stage

 

I don't think we'll ever understand their actions! sad that the children even have to try to figure it out in the first place!

 

I can't wait for this to settle, my situation is in limbo at the moment I can see it being pretty messy later down the track sadly! Just gonna roll with the punches and focus on my kids and final stage of my diploma

[Shocked Suzie]

How you doing??

[TailSpin75]

Hi Suzie! I continue to have my up's and down's... overall I'm doing okay.

 

I continue to feel like I'm out of sync with time. I find that my mind is often in the past (plowing over the same old ground) or in the future (wondering how things will play out and how I'll do as I continue to adjust). I'm putting in the effort to 'live in the now' - but thoughts of STBX and this... situation seem to just be present in my thoughts.

 

I'm learning how to live with the perpetual 'low' feelings - to carry them around, maintain my composure, and I keep on journaling. Today marks 4-months since the big 'D' word was announced and I cannot believe how much better I am now than those first 6 weeks.

 

Everyday is a struggle and it's not easy (that's for sure) - but I accept the process and timeline is what it is. And of course, there's always some 'drama' with interactions with STBX but I pick and choose my battles (thanks WGW) and have conducted myself in a manner that I'm proud of for a solid month now. (There's so much I want to say to her... mostly how selfish and F***ed up I believe she is, but have been nothing but kind and courteous. I say what I have to say in my journal - 175 single space typed pages in the past 6 weeks - always feel better when I get it out even if it doesn't reach her ears).

 

The kids and I continue to have an awesome relationship. They bring up 'the situation' from time to time, I let them express themselves, console them, and remind them that no feeling they've ever had lasted forever - that 'these' feelings will pass in time too. Every time I apologize to them - they're quick to say 'this is not your fault'. I also encourage them to share their feelings about their mother with her.

 

Doing the best I can and slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I hope you are doing well Suzie!

[worldgonewrong]

(There's so much I want to say to her... mostly how selfish and F***ed up I believe she is, but have been nothing but kind and courteous. I say what I have to say in my journal - 175 single space typed pages in the past 6 weeks - always feel better when I get it out even if it doesn't reach her ears).

 

Good man.

Stick with the journaling. Even if you attempted to convey your emotions about her, it would be in one ear and out the other, so to speak.

 

I'm a couple months on the outside of my divorce (Thank you, Lord) and I've infrequently had those spasms of wanting to convey the same sentiment to the XW. But then I stop and realize: it would be a total waste of my own energy, my breath, whatever on her. She stopped giving anything in return a long time ago, much less something as basic as empathy and self-awareness. So why throw myself in front of a metaphorical bus yet again? To expect a different result?

Anyway, YOU got it. You understand. Keep doing as you're doing.

 

I had that moment the other night when I texted her about the kids' health* (both socked with tummy bugs) and she blew me off. Her modus operandi is always "I'll deal with you later in my own sweet time", which rankles me for a couple minutes, but...'whatevs', as the kids say. The best revenge is living a happy life. As I held my girlfriend while we fell asleep last night, I felt a calm wash over me. Any b.s. that the XW can throw at me, even in subtle passive-aggressive increments, can't stick on me.

 

* mind you: I had the kids most of last week, even in poor health. I took off a full week of work to be with them, their spring break, to also make sure the XW wasn't frantically making half-assed plans on their behalf while she worked her meager job or 'went to school'.

Edited April 8, 2013 by worldgonewrong

[Shocked Suzie]

Hi Suzie! I continue to have my up's and down's... overall I'm doing okay.

 

I continue to feel like I'm out of sync with time. I find that my mind is often in the past (plowing over the same old ground) or in the future (wondering how things will play out and how I'll do as I continue to adjust). I'm putting in the effort to 'live in the now' - but thoughts of STBX and this... situation seem to just be present in my thoughts.

 

I'm learning how to live with the perpetual 'low' feelings - to carry them around, maintain my composure, and I keep on journaling. Today marks 4-months since the big 'D' word was announced and I cannot believe how much better I am now than those first 6 weeks.

 

Everyday is a struggle and it's not easy (that's for sure) - but I accept the process and timeline is what it is. And of course, there's always some 'drama' with interactions with STBX but I pick and choose my battles (thanks WGW) and have conducted myself in a manner that I'm proud of for a solid month now. (There's so much I want to say to her... mostly how selfish and F***ed up I believe she is, but have been nothing but kind and courteous. I say what I have to say in my journal - 175 single space typed pages in the past 6 weeks - always feel better when I get it out even if it doesn't reach her ears).

 

The kids and I continue to have an awesome relationship. They bring up 'the situation' from time to time, I let them express themselves, console them, and remind them that no feeling they've ever had lasted forever - that 'these' feelings will pass in time too. Every time I apologize to them - they're quick to say 'this is not your fault'. I also encourage them to share their feelings about their mother with her.

 

Doing the best I can and slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I hope you are doing well Suzie!

 

Doing ok thanks and pretty much the same as you....its like the calm before the storm at the moment, house going up for sale, then on the sale the fun will begin i still feel stuck but try not to think about it and just have fun with the kids...been doing some fab stuff over the school holidays, its been great. Over here your unable to get a divorce until you've been separated for a year! so thats another thing thats gonna drag and raise its ugly head further down the line...

 

I've tried to get into journals but just cant...i vent when needed to a good couple of friends...so glad your doing ok and holding up too

[head/heels]

? any updates?

[TailSpin75]

Hello LS - today is 5-months since the 'D' word was dropped... update time.

 

At the end of December I moved into a 1-bedroom apartment above a friends garage; a very nice, fully furnished, and recently renovated place. This past weekend I moved into a townhouse of my own and am now fully unpacked and officially moved in. While there were a lot of mixed emotions leading up to this 'transition' - I never reached the point of feeling overwhelmed.

 

This move also brought a 'transition' to my schedule with the kids - I now have them for a week on / week off schedule. I have them this week so life is good - next week will be the first week in the new place alone and to be honest, I get a bit nervous from time to time, but already know that it will be fine.

 

My interactions with 'her' continue to be email / texted based with the exception of a phone call or two. I remain kind and cordial in how I communicate with 'her' though at times it either causes me great pain or fuels me with anger. Regardless of my emotions - I have done well at staying on point and conducting myself in a way which I am proud of (for me).

 

While the emotional 'roller coaster' also continues - it's not nearly the volatile ride that it use to be. I still find 'she' is in my thoughts more often then I'd prefer, but seldom does it act to crush me and even then - it does pass quicker then it ever has. Mornings continue to be a tough time but again, not the same struggle as it was in the past.

 

Life... overall is better than it has been for a very long time - but still does not hold a candle to the life I thought I had; that loss is something I still grieve. At the same time - I'm able to focus on me now (finally) more then I could have in the past. While I remain uncertain as to what I want I can move through life with a sense of control now rather than feeling like a zombie just going through the motions. Where the 'divorce' is still in my mind a lot of the times, it seldom makes it into conversations I have - it seems that it's not longer the 'thing' that defines me.

 

I don't believe that I'm happy though nor do I believe that I've found peace yet but I will say I'm confident that I continue to head in that direction and am closer now then ever before. I know now that I could write volumes which describe what I thought I had - but not about 'her' - I do believe that I have finally resolved the real woman with the woman in my mind's eye.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Thanks for the update TS

[TailSpin75]

Interesting week earlier... STBX and I were on the phone discussing schedule for the kids. We've transitioned into a full week on / week off schedule and were not quite seeing eye to eye on the day of the week which we should exchange them. We were however able to resolve that matter after a short time on the phone.

 

Around the time that call should have ended she mentioned not really wanting 'that' schedule to which I replied that I'd be open to discussing other schedules but rather preferred the week on / week off arrangement. Then she said that she 'didn't want any of this'... In that moment - time stopped for me and all I could hear was the pounding of my heart. So with caution... I asked for clarification as to what she was saying and from there she became evasive - almost as though she regretted having mentioned it. So I let it go...

 

Later that night she called me and we spoke for an hour... she mentioned crying every time she saw me or when we had interaction... confessed that she missed me. Again I wanted clarification as to 'where' this was coming from or where it was going... She stated that 'this ending' was not going to change (despite the temptation - it wasn't something I asked to be stopped). I told her that I understood and that while I'm doing okay... I do continue to struggle from time to time and that I do my best at maintaining a kind and cordial relationship with her to benefit the children.

 

The following evening she sent me an email - that for the first time (in... I can't even recall) - didn't deal with the divorce or the kids. She simply said it was really nice to talk with me again. I wasn't sure how to reply so I didn't. Got a text that evening about some tools from her house that she offered to have her uncle drop by my place - it was then that I thanked her for the email earlier and said I wasn't in a hurry for the tools and could collect them at another time.

 

There were other brief messages that followed in the past couple of days and even a phone call this morning (to discuss something about our oldest) but I'm not convinced that these interactions have been necessary. I have done well at staying on point - remaining polite - and keeping it brief.

 

While the nature of these discussions and messages earlier this week feel like a rip tide acting against my progress - I am so proud for having not 'jumped' all over what seemed like an open window. I have no sense of hope and remain committed to moving past this... but these interactions does get the wheels in my head spinning...

[Shocked Suzie]

Interesting week earlier... STBX and I were on the phone discussing schedule for the kids. We've transitioned into a full week on / week off schedule and were not quite seeing eye to eye on the day of the week which we should exchange them. We were however able to resolve that matter after a short time on the phone.

 

Around the time that call should have ended she mentioned not really wanting 'that' schedule to which I replied that I'd be open to discussing other schedules but rather preferred the week on / week off arrangement. Then she said that she 'didn't want any of this'... In that moment - time stopped for me and all I could hear was the pounding of my heart. So with caution... I asked for clarification as to what she was saying and from there she became evasive - almost as though she regretted having mentioned it. So I let it go...

 

Later that night she called me and we spoke for an hour... she mentioned crying every time she saw me or when we had interaction... confessed that she missed me. Again I wanted clarification as to 'where' this was coming from or where it was going... She stated that 'this ending' was not going to change (despite the temptation - it wasn't something I asked to be stopped). I told her that I understood and that while I'm doing okay... I do continue to struggle from time to time and that I do my best at maintaining a kind and cordial relationship with her to benefit the children.

 

The following evening she sent me an email - that for the first time (in... I can't even recall) - didn't deal with the divorce or the kids. She simply said it was really nice to talk with me again. I wasn't sure how to reply so I didn't. Got a text that evening about some tools from her house that she offered to have her uncle drop by my place - it was then that I thanked her for the email earlier and said I wasn't in a hurry for the tools and could collect them at another time.

 

There were other brief messages that followed in the past couple of days and even a phone call this morning (to discuss something about our oldest) but I'm not convinced that these interactions have been necessary. I have done well at staying on point - remaining polite - and keeping it brief.

 

While the nature of these discussions and messages earlier this week feel like a rip tide acting against my progress - I am so proud for having not 'jumped' all over what seemed like an open window. I have no sense of hope and remain committed to moving past this... but these interactions does get the wheels in my head spinning...

 

yes well done....not actually experienced this myself but for your own mental health you did well and should stick with this for some time! it makes you wonder..is she just having a wobbly moment, is she testing you, being yet again selfish, can she not handle seeing you getting on with life without her or has she really woken up! all of which for you will be pretty difficult and your mind must be doing overtime....dont let it effect what you are doing and where you are at the moment and maybe try to remember how she has made you feel and what she's put you and your kids through!

 

the twist and turns of this nightmare!

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

TailSpin, I'm just amazed at what I read. I can't even look at my wife and you are having cordial conversations on the phone. It's hard to believe that will be me one day.

[TailSpin75]

LGw - I've known for awhile that I would have some sort of 'civil' relationship with her in the future for the benefit of the children. I was determined a couple of months ago to do my best to 'act the part' - to be kind, cordial, and polite. There were moments when I could not though - so I choose to not interact - didn't answer my phone, did not respond to either text or email. It was very difficult at first but got easier.

 

The interactions from this previous week really 'tested' me and there is a sense of strength that I took away from them in how I conducted myself and the reaching out that I didn't do.

 

There are people in my life... people who know me that have helped me so much. I always believed that I treated her like my queen - and those that know me have reassured me that I was more than an honorable husband. Someone told me (not too long ago) something that was truly worth taking time to contemplate. She said to me... you have no problems knowing how to treat others but do you know how to treat yourself. As this journey continues... I don't want to compromise the values that I do have which is why I continue to be kind, cordial, and polite - not so much for 'her' benefit but for mine.

[Shocked Suzie]

As this journey continues... I don't want to compromise the values that I do have which is why I continue to be kind, cordial, and polite - not so much for 'her' benefit but

for mine.

 

Exactly!!!! This to me allows me to move forward and away with no hang ups or what if's .... The better person!

 

X

[MsOptimist]

Wow, I've missed your last couple updates - very similar to interactions that I have with my ex! Good for you for staying strong, and yes, your reactions are for yourself. I do the same thing. I am to the point where I can communicate with him and I mostly do it for myself. I know that forgiving him is a big part in my healing. That's not to say that I have any intention of getting back together with him, but I see value in certain communications and also in being a bigger person.

[TailSpin75]

Hi MsO - I've been following your posts on 'dating adventures'. It seems there's no shortage of complications (for a lack of a better term) when it comes to getting back in the 'game'.

 

I've met with 6 women on dates in the past couple of months... but none of them (as probably expected) can hold a candle to what I thought I had. At the same time... I've been open and honest - taking the approach of meeting new people and remaining open to good chemistry. Seems each encounter is a learning experience... such foreign territory to me though.