How to Let Go?

[TailSpin75]

I don't like the feelings I get when I'm really down. I write and talk it out - but there's this lingering feeling that I want to hear from her pretty bad. I know (in my mind) there will be no contact from her but it doesn't take away that want. Where before it seemed constant - not it's infrequent and unfortunately today seems to have been one of those days.

 

Went out to lunch with a friend, went grocery shopping, cleaned up the place, and watched a movie. Really missing her today... will be very nice when I no longer have days like this...

[Yasuandio]

I don't like the feelings I get when I'm really down. I write and talk it out - but there's this lingering feeling that I want to hear from her pretty bad. I know (in my mind) there will be no contact from her but it doesn't take away that want. Where before it seemed constant - not it's infrequent and unfortunately today seems to have been one of those days.

 

Went out to lunch with a friend, went grocery shopping, cleaned up the place, and watched a movie. Really missing her today... will be very nice when I no longer have days like this...

 

Pat yourself on the back! You did great today! You got out! Did stuff! I am the opposite, a recluse. I have not left the house since my doctor's appointment last Thursday. Paralized. My house is a disaster. And I even just got my hair done - I really should be strutting my stuff - this is really lame. There is nothing to eat - I had last two slices of bread yesterday. No cream for my coffee. Man, what a bummer this is. I'm proud of you!

[TailSpin75]

Yas - it really is a struggle to get out. I could easily become a recluse but understand getting out is vital to moving on. I still don't like being out though - I feel safe inside these walls. I can't be in a crowded place yet - even went to church last Sunday but could sit though the whole service. Even at work - I do spend more time in my office than I need - but it's not necessary for me to be outside my office. I find it does get easier to get out but it's still not easy.

[Yasuandio]

Yas - it really is a struggle to get out. I could easily become a recluse but understand getting out is vital to moving on. I still don't like being out though - I feel safe inside these walls. I can't be in a crowded place yet - even went to church last Sunday but could sit though the whole service. Even at work - I do spend more time in my office than I need - but it's not necessary for me to be outside my office. I find it does get easier to get out but it's still not easy.

 

You know each time I push myself to go out, I always have a great time! I'm actually a people person! I have tons of "Luceille Ball" moments in public. It is fun, once I step out. But once I get dug in, I am entrenched. I only will leave to go to the doctor or to get my meds.

 

I do have a new friend about my age. She has been getting me out. Her and her daughter called me last Saturday evening, and wanted me to go out for a drink with them. Of course I was all hunkered down, in my PJ's, watching TV on my computer, and I didn't want to leave the house as usual. Then her daughter said they would be happy to pick me up. THEN, I could not say no! I had the best time. I had dinner at their house the following Wednesday. It is so nice to have a friend in my area now! I know, she is going to change my life. She is already doing it.

 

Since you have to go to work, you are forced to be in the public, it is less possible for you to develop this terrible hang-up, aghoaphobia. One thing I do, that really helps me, is whenever I plan to go out, I am dressed to the nines - from head to toe, not a hair out of place. I don't care if it is the grocery store. I hold my posture very tall, shoulders back and upright - look as sharp as I possibly can. I always where my sexy four-inch platform boots or shoes. This has helped my self esteem tremendously.

 

 

Then, of course, the divorce topic and the past is taboo for discussion. During the four year separation, it seemed I was paranoid about something all the time - always an issue brewing. I don't have any trouble with that at all now = don't need to interject it into convo with my friends anymore. It is only a problem in my head about 1/8 of the time, but when it is, it is bad, I am fearful about the future, and being alone with the illness that I have. What about you?

Edited March 4, 2013 by Yasuandio

[TailSpin75]

You know each time I push myself to go out, I always have a great time! I'm actually a people person! I have tons of "Luceille Ball" moments in public. It is fun, once I step out. But once I get dug in, I am entrenched. I only will leave to go to the doctor or to get my meds.

 

I do have a new friend about my age. She has been getting me out. Her and her daughter called me last Saturday evening, and wanted me to go out for a drink with them. Of course I was all hunkered down, in my PJ's, watching TV on my computer, and I didn't want to leave the house as usual. Then her daughter said they would be happy to pick me up. THEN, I could not say no! I had the best time. I had dinner at their house the following Wednesday. It is so nice to have a friend in my area now! I know, she is going to change my life. She is already doing it.

 

Since you have to go to work, you are forced to be in the public, it is less possible for you to develop this terrible hang-up, aghoaphobia. One thing I do, that really helps me, is whenever I plan to go out, I am dressed to the nines - from head to toe, not a hair out of place. I don't care if it is the grocery store. I hold my posture very tall, shoulders back and upright - look as sharp as I possibly can. I always where my sexy four-inch platform boots or shoes. This has helped my self esteem tremendously.

 

 

Then, of course, the divorce topic and the past is taboo for discussion. During the four year separation, it seemed I was paranoid about something all the time - always an issue brewing. I don't have any trouble with that at all now = don't need to interject it into convo with my friends anymore. It is only a problem in my head about 1/8 of the time, but when it is, it is bad, I am fearful about the future, and being alone with the illness that I have. What about you?

 

I find it's still in my head a little more than half the time. Cat's out of the bag so of course people always ask - that's starting to diminish but I do walk around like a zombie at times.

 

I do have massive fears about being alone and the future - but I've come to grips with the fact that I'm looking at those things with such strong negative emotions these days and that - that outlook will change as I achieve emotional stability in the next year or two.

 

You absolutely right too - if not for my work I don't know that I would ever get out. I too met someone recently around my age who does a good job getting me out of my shell. It's never my preference to go out and I have not ventured out alone yet, something I know I'll need to do but the time is just not right for me yet.

[Yasuandio]

I find it's still in my head a little more than half the time. Cat's out of the bag so of course people always ask - that's starting to diminish but I do walk around like a zombie at times.

 

I do have massive fears about being alone and the future - but I've come to grips with the fact that I'm looking at those things with such strong negative emotions these days and that - that outlook will change as I achieve emotional stability in the next year or two.

 

You absolutely right too - if not for my work I don't know that I would ever get out. I too met someone recently around my age who does a good job getting me out of my shell. It's never my preference to go out and I have not ventured out alone yet, something I know I'll need to do but the time is just not right for me yet.

 

You know what is going to be an interesting experience for you I think? When he is not in your head half the time, and there is an empty space there half the time instead. That is what I am troubled with filling right now. It is another sort of zombee like feeling - once the divorce is over. And I have waited so long (four years), and I am so tired. I escape that empty place in my head through sleep recently. But before - I just stared at the wall and thought about him and the situation 50% of the time just like you.

 

That is why everyone recommends hobbies and such to keep busy. About six months before the trial became a real reality - I got started on my art projects again. I really got into it! It was fun. I was making these freaky-azzed dolls - that look dead, I ripped them apart, put them back together wrong, cut them up, gave them injuries, inserted blood, guts, masacred their outfits, etc. I designed coffins for the two freakest big girls, and decorated the coffins like whacko voo-doo alters, with flashing Chistmas and hot pepper lights, roseries, melted crap, old dried flowers, and funeral stuff, etc. My art contrasts good vs evil, it is somewhat challenging. And it is no longer hidden in the basement! It is in the front living room! Do you have some hobbies? This is the time to start getting into them.

 

You are free to do what you like now! My favorite task, post separation, that helped me along the most, was when I changed up the house to reflect the REAL me. Have you done that yet? It was so invigorating and liberating! Try it the next time you are down.

 

It is a crime the amount of time I have slept and wasted - since the final decree last September. I could have done so many things in that time. So much creative time, just down the tubes. But I am so tired, still. Paralyzed. Maybe the body just speaks - and when it needs rest, it needs rest, and that is it. This has been an horendous experience, life altering, and scary - I suppose it is bound to take a heavy toll. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But I do feel guilty for the time I see wasted. I hope you will be prepared and have an easier time than I had. My marriage was very long 27 years, most of my life.

 

I have really been on an LS kick today, celebrating my 1K. Yas

[Caldespair]

Tail

 

Very similar story for me also. I was 20 plus years with the love of my life. It ended on 12/1/2012 after and argument. She said she had it. I, like you have found myself in a foreign land with new alnguages spoken. Its been about 3 months for me, and we are going through a divorce with the whol 9 yards. She is a good person, I still love her, but I know its over. I fantasize we will get back together. What has helped me was first and foremonst, my two teenage girls. I am close with them and whenver I can, I jump at the opportunity to do stuff with them. How old are you kids?

I am now living about 15 min drive away, am soon moving within 3 mins of the house so my daughter can come over easily. Its very strange, but when I am with my girls, I feel almost whole. I am sad, but its their love that I get and its love that I need.

The first month (december) I was at a hotel, alone, and it was very scary. I was at the end of my rope. I look back to that time and feel like if I made it through that, I cam make it.

A couple things were helpful to me:

Call up old friends. The ones that I did not bring around my wife that much. I stay as busy as I can with tennis teams, golfing and work. I have great family support.

The worst times are when I am alone, like now in the evening. As far as I feel Ive come, I broke down today, in front of family member. I usually do my sobbing in private.

Last thing, you said you dont have anger? I sure do. Im angry for her taking away what my life should have been. But I do see glimpses of the old me come back, the more outgoing confident one I was and somehow lost in the marriage.

Hang in there and know you are not alone.

[TailSpin75]

Hi Caldespair - sorry to hear of your situation. My girls are 13 and 7. I did manage to hit that anger stage (a week or so ago) - but have been very ambivalent since then - sad and hurt, but also bitter and angry.

 

Like you - that first month was a damn nightmare and amazingly difficult. I've since settled into the grieving process - knowing that it is a long and slow process helps, but by its nature really sucks. I do wish it were like flipping a switch.

 

My STBX has her whole family tree in the area - only family I have here now are my kids, no other family within 700 miles. I didn't grow up in this area (have been here 13 years now) and all my friends I've made along the way are married.

 

What I get from your brief description sounds like we really are processing this in a healthy manner. After 3 months it's nice to have some sense of confidence about my future - even though it's still not completely in focus or one I prefer. I've said many times that I intend to honor the grieving process and contact with my STBX is absolutely minimal. The ebb and flow of emotions is of course the most difficult part - knowing in the mind what's real but being heavy with emotions of the heart. I broke down quite a bit yesterday - missing her and really feeling the loss. I recognize though, that those times occur less frequently (seemed a constant part of life in December) and look forward to the day that no longer happens.

 

I appreciate you words friend.

[Yasuandio]

When I got back from Greece, and found my self separated, I saw something on TV, maybe it was a movie or something. But one person said to another, "but he also gave up his youth for you." And your wife also gave up her youth to be with you. And that is your history - nothing to be angry about, it just had an endpoint - as all relationships have (be it a break-up, divorce, or death). Without the portion of time you did have with her, you would not have your lovely children.

 

"What [your] life should have been" cannot have been taken away from you, because the future has not yet occured. So, logically, it makes no sense to be angry about this particular thing. Emotionally, of course it makes sense. But in reality, you do not need her, you only desire her, you only want her. It is human nature to want what you cannot have. The way out of your anger is to stop wanting her.

 

Steadfast wrote an outstanding post on aMguilt's thread yesterday - that really get to the heart of how easy it is to depend on another for our happiness, and how important, even critical it is to learn to be in control of your own happiness - and NOT NEED OTHERS to sustain it. That post stunned some sense into me. I know I was working towards that goal, but didn't know exactly why. This is how you might make the energy of your anger productive.

 

As far as the breaking - it is probably tough as a man to do it. But it is so important to go thru that part. I am a tough azz, I don't cry at all. I do remember going thru this period though. Greiving I would call it - I did it alone. It is a kind of internal crying, from your gut - a sobbing that takes over your shoulders and upper body. A weezing, heaving cry, from deep in your chest. Something you really feel big time. When it happened, I let happen. It happened about three times - about a year and a 1/2 into the process - after I saw him in Court - referring to me and pointing at me calling me "that X." He is a narcissist - and really grandstanded in the Courtroom that particular day. It was after that, I really broke. I even called him when I was grieving, and told him how he humilated and hurt me, and he never said anything like that in the court again. I'm sure his attorney told him he was an idiot too.

 

So, my friend, when you feel it happen, let it happen, and feel it deeply, you may even get the dry heaves. But when this part of the process is over, things really start looking up. Acceptance is much closer to you. Be sure to check out Steadfast's post and tell me what you think. Yas

Edited March 4, 2013 by Yasuandio

[aMguilts]

death would be easier to deal with i reckon

That fact that they are still living is harder to overcome

 

aM

[Yasuandio]

Tailspin, forgive me. I got mixed up and made quotations from Mr. Caldespar's entry. And another poster posed before I could correct it. Maybe it is somewhat useful information nonetheless. So sorry. Yas

[TailSpin75]

Hi Yas - there is really is a lot of good information and insight on this forum. From those who share their painful stories and struggles to those who make their way through the recovery process to those who have come out, healed and happy again.

 

I have mentioned before that (at least for me) everything about this loss, this grieving process feels wrong. But in the 3 months I have been on this hard road, I have learned so much about myself and this grieving process. For the past 6 weeks I continue to have faith in my perspective and direction I am heading (even though it 'feels' wrong). I accept there will be recurring feelings that I no longer want as part of the process and that there's also a sense of fear and insecurity as I move forward. I take enormous comfort in hearing that what I feel when I post is normal. For me LS is a place to dump what's inside me from time to time, to read and relate to the struggles of others, and to receive the input from others.

 

I had posted to aM's thread - that my greatest fear was losing her but that's already happened. Now my greatest fear is not fully getting past this. There's so much challenge to continue moving in a direction when it feels wrong.

 

I grow tired of carrying and living with such heavy and frequently changing emotions - but have stopped fighting them and accepted that it will be this way for some time to come. The emotions still fantasizes that 'maybe this' or 'maybe that' - but the mind doesn't buy into them. The continuing reassurance that I read in many threads here continually charges my belief that things will be okay. It also makes it easier for me to 'locate' myself in this recovery process. For example, I so wish I could have eyes for another woman - but just don't, guess I'm just not there yet. Feels wrong, but nice to read that other's have been in that same position and came out of it. Stops me from having the feeling that I need to force it (some friends tell me I'll never want to be with someone else until I force myself into it - of course, they have no experience in this process).

[MsOptimist]

I felt or am feeling a lot of the feelings you're struggling with - just cosigning again that we're not alone with dealing with this ugly thing.

 

I, too, fear being alone in the future - I don't want that fear to inhibit my ability to open up to people in the future. I know I'm not ready for a relationship yet anyways (still lots of healing to do), even though I've already had a taste of what being close to a respectful person feels like. And it felt amazing, utterly amazing. I keep reminding myself that there's no reason to fear being alone later on because likely I will find something that will be better and greater than what I had in my marriage.

 

I agree with Yas in that it's very strange when your mind eventually isn't pining away for your stbx, it is very much like a void and it's confusing. I know though that I have to work on filling that void with myself.

 

I pray that you do not have to deal with your ex trying to reconcile - that is a very strange beast to deal with and I'm still going through that. I, too, remember those early weeks and months where I'd wake up and want to see a message from him saying that he made a huge mistake and wants me back. Every time my phone would ring for a new message/call/email I would immediately think it must be him saying that it's a big mistake.

 

Those didn't come in the beginning - they're coming later after I'm further through the healing process and it's very confusing. I go back to my journals to remember exactly the pain I have went through to push out those tiny "what if" thoughts of "maybe he really is serious and willing to work on himself and us.." It's all a big mind-***. And the strange thing is that while I am still not pining over him anymore, there's a strange comfort in knowing that he's still there - I don't seem to have the courage yet to cut him and everything off at the knees. I am still remaining strong and keeping my boundaries very high, but it's a strange and confusing place to be in.

 

My advice is to just keep looking ahead knowing that the sun will shine again - I feel pretty fortunate for these hard months to have been in the start and dead of winter. Sunshine and new life that comes with spring will bring more metaphors to our situations - I think it will make everything that much sweeter to be further along in our healing. Not mention make things easier to do, for me at least since I love to be outdoors. Winter doesn't stop me from being outdoors, but warmer weather will allow for much more things.

[TailSpin75]

Hello MsOptimist - thank you for sharing! Helps to remind me that I'm not crazy... though it feels like it at times.

 

I'm confident I will not have to deal with attempts from her to reconcile. The fantasy still exists for me (though I prefer it didn't) - and I try not to ask myself what I'd do if that played out. Like you, I feel a lion's share of the truly difficult times have been gone through. I also recently read through my journals - and my goodness was I just a hot mess in the early weeks. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a mess - but a lot more functional.

 

You know - this whole thing, the process of recovery - is kind of amazing when I look at it from an outsiders perspective. It's amazing that I am moving on from a point where I really believed I couldn't not live without her. I also learn so much about what I'm capable of - lessons that I can't imagine having learned any other way. Even my thought process when it comes to dealing with emotions. Things that would upset me at work don't even stick these days. As 'they' always say we come out of this better, stronger, and more confident; while I'm certainly not out of this yet, I am a witness to some of that change!

[MsOptimist]

Hello MsOptimist - thank you for sharing! Helps to remind me that I'm not crazy... though it feels like it at times.

 

I'm confident I will not have to deal with attempts from her to reconcile. The fantasy still exists for me (though I prefer it didn't) - and I try not to ask myself what I'd do if that played out. Like you, I feel a lion's share of the truly difficult times have been gone through. I also recently read through my journals - and my goodness was I just a hot mess in the early weeks. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a mess - but a lot more functional.

 

You know - this whole thing, the process of recovery - is kind of amazing when I look at it from an outsiders perspective. It's amazing that I am moving on from a point where I really believed I couldn't not live without her. I also learn so much about what I'm capable of - lessons that I can't imagine having learned any other way. Even my thought process when it comes to dealing with emotions. Things that would upset me at work don't even stick these days. As 'they' always say we come out of this better, stronger, and more confident; while I'm certainly not out of this yet, I am a witness to some of that change!

 

I was extremely confident that mine would NEVER try to reconcile, I thought surely his ego was too big to reach out even if he was having second thoughts. I was wrong. He admits now to not processing anything at first - burying everything with being a workaholic, trying to date anyone. He's at a completely different stage of dealing with the divorce - he's losing his footing a lot later than I lost mine. Thank goodness my feet are firmly on the ground these days (versus me lying face down trying to make the room stop spinning!).

 

In the beginning I think it helped me to begin recovery quickly because I had absolutely no confidence that he'd want to reconcile. I'm glad he wasn't wishy-washy back then, because I too was giant mess and likely wouldn't have been strong enough to fight it. I do admit that it does make me feel good that he's realized how badly he screwed up!!

 

I agree that we're finding out exactly what we're capable of through this. I was another one who didn't want to live without him and was always fearful of losing him - and now I wonder why the hell I thought like that! I can take good care of myself, and someday I know that this strength will add a lot to enriching my life with someone.

[TailSpin75]

So - the kids really unloaded on me yesterday (about her). They're getting along fine with her - they're just at a loss for why 'this is happening'. STBX told kids about divorce before she told me. My oldest (12 at the time 13 now) asked why she would make a choice that 'destroys this family'. STBX always tells her 'sometimes choices must be made even if they're hard ones'. My oldest asked me yesterday "What the hell does that even mean?". I suggested she not focus on why it's happening but to understand that we are all in transition toward a new normal. That's it's not about comparing the old to the new - but understanding that the new, while it will be different, will be safe and comfortable in time. That instead of 1 safe place - where they could eat, sleep, and hang out - they will have 2. Reminded her that she has friends with divorced parents and they've adjusted fine. It's the transition period that's difficult but will get better in time.

 

They sounded bitter about their mother's decision - and truth be told I hate having to defend STBX to them - but I absolutely do that to protect them. When asked if I agree with her decision - I just say it's not a choice I would have made. When they ask me why I think this is happening - I say I'm not sure why mom made that decision and you really should talk with her about that. When asked if I hate mom - I reassure them that there's no hate (no exactly true), but as divorced parents our relationship would be different and that she and I have absolutely no disagreements when it comes to them (absolutely true).

 

Wonder if these concerns have been building up in the kids - or if yesterday was 'just one of those days' for them. They were pretty bothered by it all yesterday. Sent STBX text to advise of kids concerns and suggested she talk to pull out what she could from them as I did. Shared with her what they shared with me - and shared with her what I shared with them. (Also told her I hated defending her to them - but would never speak ill of her to them). Before I took kids home - I reminded them that there was nothing we talked about that they couldn't share with her.

[2.50 a gallon]

Something for you to consider. Tread softly. From what I have read, children need to be told the truth. It is their lives, perhaps even more than yours which is being destroyed. A lie of omission is still a lie. They need at least one parent who will deal straight with them.

 

Like you are struggling with the situation, they too are struggling and need the facts so they can heal. Even children who do have the facts tend to blame themselves for the parents break up.

 

Reading between the lines, they feel abandoned by both parents and are getting the run around with their questions.

 

And the truth is their mom chose another man over their father. It is her actions that are throwing their lives into emotional turmoil.

 

She is the villian, be careful you do not also become the villian by trying to soften the blow and covering up for her

 

I would also suggest you Goggle for answers.

Edited March 5, 2013 by 2.50 a gallon

[TailSpin75]

2.50 - this is certainly a fine line to tread. I'm a believer in truth - but am also concerned about the detrimental affect this truth will have on the relationship between the children and her. No doubt she was a horrible wife there at the end - but is a good mother.

 

Truth is something she and I have discussed and we've agreed on all issues concerning the kids - the truth is not something I would deliver unless she consented. My goodness don't kids just ask the right questions though. Best I could tell my oldest is that she will understand more when she is older (generic I know).

[Shocked Suzie]

Think you should pat yourself on the back tailspin you are doing great!

 

 

... think u and I have very similar way of thinking.

 

I agree with honesty with children too, I'm a straight talker and will answer any questions my kids ask me, I also try to open things up after and allow them to see things from another prospective ... I do feel what my ex has done is unforgivable and awful but he and everyone has a choice to live their life as they please.... I feel that his choice will eventually make myself and children stronger as long as im honest, fair, loving, supportive and give them reassurance/security! I know I can give them all that.

 

I've got a full on few weeks ahead, ive managed to sell my home without a real estate and ill be homeless in April! Need to find me and the kids a rental... Once I've done that ill be giving my ex the heads up on the kids, I too have noticed in the past week a change in their attitude towards their dad...i want what is best for them in all this, it will be done through gritted teeth but he needs to be aware of how they are feeling and their emotions... He has been bloody slack up until now and totally selfish.. The kids are feeling 2nd best atm and that's got to stop!!

 

Your doing will tailspin!!

[TailSpin75]

Thanks Suzie - sounds like you're on a good track as well. So much more fallout then the cheaters and liars realize - suppose they cannot see past their selfishness.

 

STBX and I had quite the text battle yesterday. I endured and said way more than I should have - definitely driven by anger (though it didn't get nasty). I can't stand hearing her say that she paid the price and 'owned' her choices when she never even confessed to me why the marriage ended. Told her I know enough to know why it ended but she hasn't 'owned' anything - that she learned it's wrong to cheat, lie, and betray those who trust and care about her - but ultimately it is kids and myself that pay the price for her lesson.

 

My point in texting with her was that she should bring up the subject with them and not just sit back for when they're ready to talk (not after the night the kids and I had - clearly weighed on them). She hides behind the fact that their in counselling - to which I believe there's a benefit - but warned that they have some bitterness when they speak about her. Nothing but defense and excuses from her though - told her not to try to justify or look for approval from me.

 

Like you Suzie - I agree people have the right to make their choices. I'm just not going to sit back and let her downplay the fallout of her selfishness with regard to the kids. I made my point - whether she got it or not is up for debate. What's not up for debate was that I was not buying into her BS excuses about at downplaying the actual effects on the lives of the kids and myself.

[NYWoman]

Kids come first, way before the feelings of your STBXW. And why do you still feel an allegance to her on keeping her secret.

 

She is lieing to them and so are you by not telling them all of the facts.

[TailSpin75]

Alright - so the text battle continues today... I'm not one to post specific details to conversation - usually just the messages that communicated but I get this text from her:

"Our conversations over the last day (and really most of them recently) have felt like you venting and tearing me down (and by extension, tearing down where the kids are as well)... there's nothing positive in them. I don't understand what you are trying to accomplish with them other than it feels like you need me to hear what's on your mind and that there is some price I need to pay."

 

I've spoke with her on the phone twice over the weekend - once to have my name removed from a credit card she took in our agreement and the other time to ask that she complete an application for the place she's staying so I can have my name removed from the lease. She was not optimistic in either case that she would be successful as her credit score is low and felt she wouldn't get approved for the lease on her own nor would she be able to open a credit card in her name and transfer the balance (BOA wouldn't do primary account name change until divorce is final in several months). I expressed my dissatisfaction at her willingness to put in the effort to do her part to sever our connections - the ramifications of which only impact me in a negative way. Told her I didn't choose any of this and said it wasn't fair to me - clearly I was angry but did not raise my voice or get nasty. Again - over the phone, not in the presence of kids.

 

So I replied to her texts with 2 messages and 2 questions:

 

"Do you feel that I'm responsible for how the kids are feeling?"

 

"And do you feel that I'm trying to 'make you pay'?"

 

Her response:

 

"No, on both points. Text is not clear - I will call you tonight."

 

The point I'm trying to make with her is that the kids are struggling more than I thought - and from what they tell me are more comfortable discussing their concerns more with me than with her. Her response seems to me - that she's blaming me for how they feel (though her response denies that). I've believed (with me, the kids, her family, her friends) that she doesn't want to own up to the choice she has made. I know enough to know that she's out of the marriage - the true reason why no longer burns in me as (1) doesn't change outcome and (2) probably only cause more pain. Obviously kids still seek something more substantial and older one is tired of the run around.

 

I've been strong supporter of NC - and have done well with minimal interaction. But this onslaught of texting has got the wheels in my brain spinning again. The sense of ambivalence feels like it's tearing at me today - sad/hurt and angry. My mind concludes that she's burying her head in the sand regarding the fallout sustained by the kids - and blaming me when she see's them genuinely hurting. I've mentioned that how they are with me seems to be greatly different than how they are with her. Suggested she approach them rather than just wait for them to bring it up with her.

[Yasuandio]

Sometimes text is confusing. Email can be misinterpreted also. With an important issue such as the children, I think you best document it in a letter - and she is forced to HEAR your point of view. She is not hearing you. Her mind is flaked out on something else, right?

 

you are aware now, from you wife, that the kids are having trouble. Rather than play child psychologist yourself, it may be time to take the kids and/or family to counciling to learn to cope with the family breaking up. It is not your role to teach your wife how to mentor the kids about the divorce - she will just ignore or resent any success you might have, and pass on to her.

 

First stop the talky talk, texty text, and email bs. Document the issue in a well written letter format, which you are so capable of. Suggest the psychogist if you believe intervention is need at this time. Or, document the issue your wife has, and provide your wife the methods that you found to be effective and successful. Plain and simple. No serious talk with her. You are just going to get agitated - like you are now. Just write a letter on these kinds of topics.

 

If it's about picking Johnny up after the basketball game, then that is a text issue. If you are going to be late with the check, that is a phone call issue. Anything significant, a letter. Document, document, document. Simple as that. You get me? Yas

[TailSpin75]

Good perspective Yas - something that eludes me at the moment. I probably am viewing this from too close a perspective and placing expectations where they do not belong. Both children are (and have been) seeing a therapist.

 

I have wrestled with myself today - resisting the out right fact that I have no place in teaching her how to be a parent. Tough to hear the bitterness the children harbor for her and the stress they endure. From where I sit (and the texts I sent) - wanted to throw her a bone to act (not explain anything to me) but to engage the kids alleviate some of their stress. Clearly she has different take on the source of their struggle... In the end, it's my relationship with the kids, their perception of me that matter. Perhaps it's the obvious - terrible wife and really not a good mother either...

[Yasuandio]

Good perspective Yas - something that eludes me at the moment. I probably am viewing this from too close a perspective and placing expectations where they do not belong. Both children are (and have been) seeing a therapist.

 

I have wrestled with myself today - resisting the out right fact that I have no place in teaching her how to be a parent. Tough to hear the bitterness the children harbor for her and the stress they endure. From where I sit (and the texts I sent) - wanted to throw her a bone to act (not explain anything to me) but to engage the kids alleviate some of their stress. Clearly she has different take on the source of their struggle... In the end, it's my relationship with the kids, their perception of me that matter. Perhaps it's the obvious - terrible wife and really not a good mother either...

 

Sorry, I missed the post where you mentioned the therapist.

 

Why not have a sit-down with the theripist about this issue - how it is normally handled? I do lean towards 2.50's take. The kids have got to sense your pain. And they also sense her affair fog and giddiness. They gotta be really mixed up. I am sure with your wife's extra-currurular activites, the develop of the kids' psyche probably is not exactly her first priority. And of course, in your position, you have the sense to focus on this issue.

 

Here are the real facts. Mom doesn't want to be with Daddy any more. She has picked out a another man that she likes better, - that is why daddy has to leave, consequently, that is why daddy is very sad.

 

If the kids understood the real facts, then they would comprehend the emotions they most likely are sensing anyway. How is witholding the truth, and "re-configuring the state of affairs" unlike gaslighting the kids? Plus, they are going to come to know the new man sooner or later. Why not introduce the subject in it's correct context? Yas

Edited March 5, 2013 by Yasuandio