How to Let Go?

[aMguilts]

So... I'm surprised to find myself a hot f#cking mess today. The day started out like it usually does... I'm at work... nothing unexpected or out of the ordinary. Nothing has happened, no contact, no new information... but I'm suddenly finding myself hurting. Now I know this will pass - that it comes and goes but for some reason - I've been hit pretty hard by the scope of this ending and it's implications. I don't feel that I'm aware of something new, there's no 'new information' that is in my head... Just surprised that 'the situation' is hitting me so hard and seemingly so randomly.

 

Is this normal after 3 months and can I expect this to happen again at some point down the line?

 

 

hey tailspin

 

yup, that has been pretty much my day covered today too

 

how i never broke down i don`t know

there will be days like this, 1 day everythings going ok and then the next, falling down the endless hole.

and having to crawl back up again is the hardest.

I even had thoughts today if she`d died.

Would it be any easier to accept? i think it would. the pain would still be there, but at least there wouldn`t be the thoughts of this that or the other

 

i guess we are both going through `grieving` of a different kind

 

sorry i can`t offer more tailspin

keep your chin up, we`ll both laugh about this 1 day

 

aM

[TailSpin75]

Hey aM - I've read that - many divorcee's claim it would have been easier is their spouse died than caused divorce. I'm a believer in that.

 

Thanks for the encouragement buddy!

[aMguilts]

i love your optimism:)

1st thing i`ve smiled at for a while now

 

thank you

 

aM

[TailSpin75]

Tough day today - I'm pleased that my inner voice has been very 'upbeat' today though; reminding me that I'm okay and that I can just chalk this one up as a bad day.

 

For the first time since discovering 'trouble in paradise' I tore into tne booze. Not looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle - but I will admit, it's nice to have the edge taken off.

[Shocked Suzie]

We're on the same timescale tailspin, having the same up n down emotions! So frustrating! My mind too just doesn't stop, things or conversations pop into my head and I think... Why on earth am I thinking of that!! Just wish I could stop thinking all the time, it makes me so tired.

 

On a good note my daughter had her 1st counseling session the other day and felt that it has helped

 

Hope your ok, having a flat couple of days too... Take care

[TailSpin75]

Back to work this morning...

 

Suzie - I too grow very tired of this roller coaster (ready to get off this ride please!). I am feeling much better this morning though - just not sure what to expect today as far as emotions go. 3 day weekend (at my job we have every other Friday off) - I'm dogsitting for a friend - will be nice to have some 'company' around as I am not seeing the kids this weekend.

 

Yesterday was a down day for sure. The days leading up to yesterday have really shown a faster toggling between hurt and anger... wonder how the ride will be today.

[Shocked Suzie]

Hope your day is a good one.... I'm hoping a visit from a family member not seen for couple of years will lift my mood in few weeks time, getting things organized for them today has given me something to focus on :-)

 

Sending Positive thoughts your way

[TailSpin75]

Hi Suzie - sending you positive thoughts as well. I'm sure the visit from family can only help!

[TailSpin75]

This is literally like an emotional prison – I feel completely trapped with no option to escape except to allow time to pass. Staying active, ‘doing’, getting out there, engaging people, etc. are all like acts of good behavior to ensure that the sentencing doesn’t go on longer than it has to. And it sucks… it sucks right now – as though I’m staring at the walls just passing time.

 

I grow tired (again and again and again) about how surprised I am by her; by everything that she’s created really. I have read dozens of stories – truly heartbreaking tales of walk away wives just like her. My heart goes out to their many victims – even knowing that I am a victim myself. Crazy really – how two people can live together – share time and experiences – make love – be a family… and still have it so it means everything to one and nothing to the other. It’s a true paradox to me – it’s my mind that tries desperately to understand this but at the same time wants nothing more than to just move on… to heal, recover, get over it, be done with her, and embrace the change…

 

Just another day crawling in my skin ><

[FazedOut]

Feeling your pain... Hang on.Hugs!!

[aMguilts]

This is literally like an emotional prison – I feel completely trapped with no option to escape except to allow time to pass. Staying active, ‘doing’, getting out there, engaging people, etc. are all like acts of good behavior to ensure that the sentencing doesn’t go on longer than it has to. And it sucks… it sucks right now – as though I’m staring at the walls just passing time.

 

I grow tired (again and again and again) about how surprised I am by her; by everything that she’s created really. I have read dozens of stories – truly heartbreaking tales of walk away wives just like her. My heart goes out to their many victims – even knowing that I am a victim myself. Crazy really – how two people can live together – share time and experiences – make love – be a family… and still have it so it means everything to one and nothing to the other. It’s a true paradox to me – it’s my mind that tries desperately to understand this but at the same time wants nothing more than to just move on… to heal, recover, get over it, be done with her, and embrace the change…

 

Just another day crawling in my skin ><

 

tail this is what drag me down too. its not the situation is it?

it`s the thoughts?

 

till death do us part and in sickness and in health have been running through my mind all day.

 

and like you.... 1 minute everything is so sweet and the birds sing every morning... to ...there`s nothing but a black hole, a pain so immense that it drains every bit of energy from your body until it`s numb?

 

i work my nuts off and as from next week i`m going to have to do even more hours, it keeps me busy, it keeps my mind off things, most of the time

But like you, i am drained

There really aren`t enough hours in the day!!

 

like you said to hurts( great advice btw)

 

it takes time.

 

I miss my wife so so much

i ache so much inside it`s indescribable

crawling in your skin?

i just feel the whole of my insides are being ripped out of me every time i think of her.

it`s a battle

we both know we will win one day.

 

you remind me of myself in a lot of ways

 

aM

[TailSpin75]

Thanks aM... there is comfort in not suffering alone I suppose.

 

I do know it takes time and I'm sure you'd agree that it doesn't mean we have to like it. This is a great place to purge and express, to vent and release. Most of us are on a pretty emotional ride and I truly appreciate those (yourself included) who can take the time to be encouraging when you are also hurting.

 

It does take a lot of effort to wrestle against the emotional quicksand. Something I posted before... This experience is like a collection of all the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.

 

We'll keep fight the good fight tough!

[FazedOut]

Ill be sitting here sad, but not crying or anythin...not particularly thinking about anything, then BAM!! I feel sheer terror about what the hell am I going to do, how I don't feel like can take any more of this hurt/fear/sadness, fear of where I'll live, how I'm going to survive without medical with my illnesses, how could he not care that it's been alluded I'll need a caregiver in a couple of years, etc., etc, etc.

 

My heart races, I shake, have panic attacks, want to run & hide in bed as if that will help. It's all soooooo overwhelming.

 

Does it just HIT you out of nowhere like that, in bursts even though your are CONSTANTLY thinking about it anyway?! I mean, it's been 5 months, shouldn't I feel a little better? Maybe because until 2v weeks ago I was trying to reconcile? Maybe that denial has hindered me?

 

How will I ever trust someone again? He was real good to me for 24+ years...how the frick did it just flip like this (I know, it didn't on his end)..& how can he not care that much after all these years?! Where's the empathy for another human being, not to mention one that you shared everything in life with?!

 

Don't get it. Even if I was divorcing HIM, I would still care, not want to see him hurt, suffer after all we shared.

Maybe it's an affair clouding the picture, our maybe I really was that horrible without even trying?!

Edited March 14, 2013 by FazedOut

[TailSpin75]

It really does HIT me... even when I do think about it. What's worse (for me anyway) is when I can get it off my mind for a stretch like when I'm conducting training at work. I go through a one hour class as the 'old me' - all feels normal, these thoughts are nowhere around me. But when the class is done - it's like taking a Mack truck to the face and I think "Oh yeah... I'm in 'this' life".

 

I will say - it's not as intense as it use to be. I'm struggling with simply enduring these days. But we all know, as aM pointed out, it does take time.

 

Some thoughts I've learned to just drop... the one's that only add more stress. So when I'm feeling strong - I refine my current 'life plan' and if I'm not feeling strong and thoughts of the future come to mind - I switch gears. I'll panic if I don't and it sound like something you may wrestle with Fazed. We know things will work out - even if we can't see the future we just know it will. We want to hide in bed or bury our head in the sand - but we don't. So I do keep the faith that things will work out for me and my interests (i.e. the kids). They will work out for you too - I'm confident in that!

[FazedOut]

Thank you...like you said, it sucks to know others feel this way, but it HELPS too. You learn aren't crazy, or doing something bizarre by dealing with it in a certain way.

 

It WILL eventually get better, but this is sheer hell in the meantime. So much to accept.

I've never been a big fan of change.

 

I wish I felt as strong as you do. I need to learn to stop obsessive thoughts, learn to have a "I'll deal with that bridge when I get to it" mindset.

[TailSpin75]

I may (at times) appear strong but believe me I am a mess too; better than I was 4 or 8 weeks ago but still fit neatly into the 'hot mess' category. It's only an illusion that I am 'composed' in the written form - reading, writing, and sharing does help me tremendously though.

 

Don't like change? ... just makes you human

 

Find your method - give yourself time and be persistent. It has helped me and does give me that confidence (even when I'm low) that I'm heading the right way.

[aMguilts]

Thanks aM... there is comfort in not suffering alone I suppose.

 

I do know it takes time and I'm sure you'd agree that it doesn't mean we have to like it. This is a great place to purge and express, to vent and release. Most of us are on a pretty emotional ride and I truly appreciate those (yourself included) who can take the time to be encouraging when you are also hurting.

 

It does take a lot of effort to wrestle against the emotional quicksand. Something I posted before... This experience is like a collection of all the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.

 

We'll keep fight the good fight tough!

 

you`re right your not alone

there`s NO suppose about it

 

i cry myself to sleep every night

last night was the 1st night in ages that i slept all night and didn`t wake up in a cold sweat and i didn`t dream of her

maybe thats why i`m replying so much tonight

 

emotionally i just let it out

i say what i say whether it`s right or wrong ( hence my infractions ))

 

venting here is good

 

i love your posts spin

they are helping me

hope mine are too

 

keep venting

 

aM

[Caldespair]

Tail

You and I have similar time lines. I'm 3.5 months since my seperation day. Main difference is your kids are younger and I have only a 16 year old at home(my old home).

Do you visit your kids or do they get to be with you half the time? I mention this as when I am with one of my daughters, I feel pretty good. I feel that component of family that I so miss. When I am around my kids, it's like time stops, and I am not in a crisis.

Is it similar for you when you are with the kids?

[Gunny376]

The hard part of it is to get rid of tha' "Triggers" ~ I once upon a time use to love to listen to most any kind of music ~ in so long as it was good music. Even some of the early Rap music, before it degenerated into trash. But being a Southern boy I LOVED listening to Country music. But, I had to give all of that up ~

 

"Kickin' In"[sIZE=4]

[/sIZE]Recorded by Buck Owens

Written by Roger Allan Murrah and Keith Stegall

 

There goes her memory kickin' in

It's that same old hurt again

That makes me crazy now and then

It's her memory kickin' in

 

Well I tell these arms to stop reaching for her

Tell these hands that we can't touch her anymore

But my mind keeps playin' games

And my eyes keep seein' things

 

Oh that looks just like her standing in the door

 

Its just her memory kickin' in

 

Well I threw away the pictures and the letters

But these old walls still echo things she used to say

And when I close my eyes I can see her in my mind

Oh it's almost like she never went away

 

The one that always got to me?

 

 

Still tears me up ~ and its been 23 damned years!

[Gunny376]

:lmao: :lmao: Got to listening to those old songs from back in tha' day, and forgot about posting. Man! That seems like about a zillion, trillion, goo-ga years ago? Another time, another place, another dimesion even.

 

Hell another Life. But that's the good thing about divorce? Its like having a near death experience of sorts. Your azz comes out the otherside of it, and you know your azz ain't never going to be the same. You build up a kind of immunity to it.

 

It strengthens you, makes you stronger in ways one that hasn't gone through it can and will never understand ~ there's no need in attempting to explain it to someone that's not been through it ~ because you've no mutual point of reference. Its kind of like someone who's never been in combat asking ~ "What's it like?" That's the reason you will never get a combat vet to talk about "it" with anyone who's not a combat vet? There's a lot of reasons for that but the one's that come to mind? Its just too damned intimate and personal of an experience?

 

There's a lot of 'smack' talk on the street about what a man is! Well I can tell you what a man is! A man is someone who's come out on the otherside of having the woman he loves ~ and I mean really loves ~ down to his core ~ to his very soul ~ to the point its in his bones ~ in the marrow of his bones kind of love ~ the kind of love it hurts ~ walk own him for good. Having to come to reconlication between what reality really is ~ "The difference" between the way things are and they way they ought to be. The neverending "paralysis by over analysis"

 

I don't give a damn what you've been through in life, what kind of physical pain you've been through, nor what kind of misery you've suffered, nor what kind of problems you've had to deal with?

 

You survive the HURT of having the woman you love to your core, to your very soul walk out on you and never coming back!

 

Then Jack?

 

You can offically call yourself a man!

[Gunny376]

This was a rough song for me to listen to. I wasn't the one that cheated, but I still up 'doing a lot of hard time in a Honkey Tonk Prison". Over the last 23 years? I figured I must have added about $100,000 or so to the Jack Daniels, Gleenvelvet, Black Velvet distilleries!

 

[TailSpin75]

Caldespair - I spent the first month away from everyone... but I did talk with my kids everyday. I now see them several times a week but have not had them overnight since Christmas. I'm looking to move into my own place next month where I'll have them a week at a time - can't wait!

 

Gunny - Thanks for your post... and your service! (My old man USMC 22 year, retired)

 

You speak the truth in describing the exercise in frustration that is trying to get anyone who hasn't been through this soul crushing experience to understand why you're still... 'off'.

 

I know it gets better with time (and it has a bit) - but I'm no where near 100%. She was that one for me as you described - to my core and my bones. I appreciate your encouragement regarding being a 'man' - nothing about this process feels right and I'm still pretty broken - but I will survive.

 

Hoo-Rah Gunny!

[Gunny376]

And hand-in-hand with divorce ~ comes hard times. Bad times! Trouble times, money problems.........................

 

Hell I would have sworn God Himself assigned me, myself and I? My own personal black cloud to follow me around EVERYWHERE I went!

 

 

(Sidenote ~ George was a United States Marine during WWII. He was one of the Marines that landed at Tarawa. Just a grunt. The Japanesse had held the island for something like 70 years before WWII, and it was their "Fortress Euorpe"

 

The college educated idiots got the tide tables wrong, when the Marines landed, the landing craft couldn't make it to the beach because of a coral reef surronding the atoll, and they sent them in during low tide. The Marine grunts had to slug it in through the surf in chest high water. They were slaughtered like sheep. It was HELL un-leashed on Earth.

 

Eddie Albert ~ a US Navy Ensign in charge of a landing craft was also there. He was on "Green Acres". He was awarded the Navy Cross (One step below the Congressional Medal of Honor) for saving so many Marines at Tarawa)

[Gunny376]

Hell stays open all night long! From dawn to dawn! It never closes!

[Gunny376]

You young sproutin' bucks out there need to wake-tha-f*** up! Sanp out of your cheap s***! Because if you DON'T? You'll have wasted away some of the best years of your Life before you know it.

 

Life is short! You just don't know how short it is until you get into your 40's and 50's. There are windows of opportunity closing every single day with each day that you age.

 

The bottom line is?

 

Get busy living? Or get your happy azz busy dying! Just that plain and simple!