i don't think i can take this pain anymore

[hockeyfan99]

i have been in so much pain these last 5 months about my break up. we just went into NC for about a week and i'm starting to feel like all this is way too much for me to handle.

 

i'm starting to feel like "checking out on life". i just can't take this pain anymore. i'm so so hurt that all this happened. i can't deal with the regret. i can't deal with the guilt. i can't deal with the shame. i just can't deal with the sadness anymore. this is the worst thing i have ever gone through.

 

i know a lot of people are going to say that i'll get through this but right now i feel like i'm going to have a nervous break down and i just can't stand this pain anymore.............

[lullaby]

I can understand how you feel, and you will indeed be better with time. I know it hurts like hell, and that you feel life has no meaning, but trust me, you won't die out of love. There are so many who are doing much worse, dealing with sickness, physical pain, family issues...

Use LS to release all your pain. You'll find comfort in here once you see we've all been and are there every now and them.

Keep strong!

[hockeyfan99]

I can understand how you feel, and you will indeed be better with time. I know it hurts like hell, and that you feel life has no meaning, but trust me, you won't die out of love. There are so many who are doing much worse, dealing with sickness, physical pain, family issues...

Use LS to release all your pain. You'll find comfort in here once you see we've all been and are there every now and them.

Keep strong!

 

thank you for your reply. i understand what you're saying. it does hurt like HELL. everything i do to try to move on is a struggle. i just want to "feel" again. i feel so numb. its so hard to stay at work. i have a hard time sleeping. the funny thing is that all this happened 5 months ago. it just only been a week that we have been in NC. THAT'S the hard part for me. the breakup hurt so so bad but the NC is 100X worse. its like she's dead and i can no longer see her or talk to her. i keep asking myself what i could have done to save US. i beat myself up with all the mistakes that i've made in the relationship. i think the part that bothers me the most is that she may not love me anymore and this is a person i thought would love me forever. so i guess i'll never know and honestly i don't think i want to know......

[The_Face]

Keep coming here to vent. Come here every day if you have to. In my experience on LS, there is always somebody here to talk to. And everyone here really seems to be very understanding and helpful. I attribute alot of my success in getting better to the people I've talked to here (though I have a long way to go to get fully better)

 

Take things one day at a time, and like I said, come here to vent. I know that isn't an answer to your problems, but it will help.

 

Outside of that, all I can say is that I've been where you are, not even 10 months ago. And I felt like I wanted to die. Nothing brought me joy for a good while. All I cared about was my ex. And sure enough, I got over it. There is so much joy to be had in life. We can't let one person be the thing that keeps us alive and feeling complete.

 

Life will get better. You WILL get through this. And you WILL find somebody else (not that that's the answer, but still, something to be excited about)

 

You're going to be okay!!!

[todreaminblue]

i have been in so much pain these last 5 months about my break up. we just went into NC for about a week and i'm starting to feel like all this is way too much for me to handle.

 

i'm starting to feel like "checking out on life". i just can't take this pain anymore. i'm so so hurt that all this happened. i can't deal with the regret. i can't deal with the guilt. i can't deal with the shame. i just can't deal with the sadness anymore. this is the worst thing i have ever gone through.

 

i know a lot of people are going to say that i'll get through this but right now i feel like i'm going to have a nervous break down and i just can't stand this pain anymore.............

 

i validate what you are feeling...it freaking sucks doesnt it........been there...hurts like hell,when situations are out my control, i turn it inward onto myself which is not so good ...so dont do that...i control what i can which is push my body, punish it........i go ocd in most areas of my life which is a set up for failure......because nothing i do is ever good enough ...the best thing i have for me is i am aware of this..............i hav strategies that i go through,soem of them make me look a little fruity.......one is i come on here an dgo crazy....i say what i feel, i am open and honest on here,when i dont feel i can talk, i just sit and type this benefits me because no one knows what i am thinking most of the time so i might have soemthing i want out of my head so i can move on.....opposite day is a favourite past time of mine ill say everything opposite to friends and family...try it.....while you are thinking of opposites it occupies yoru mind away from feeling worthless.....my family and friends have figured out when i do this...as i said i have strategies to deal with thoughts i have i trun them around......and sometimes on here i might actually help someone....that is a wonderful feeling as i am altruistic.......i help who i can in my life, i recognise when i am feeling down and i exercise or dance or walk or listen to music....i am a pretty messed up person

but i am a loyal friend, a sometimes vague but loving parent, i can be funny, and i can cook........write things down that make you happy and then write down the things you have done to make others happy, listen to music, smell some herbs(try lavender grow a pot of it in your room), try and remember all the little things you love....write them down, crack a few jokes.....read funny threads on here...find an old fave song and post it in the song thread.....go easy on yourself.....you are wonderfully made to cope....and when it feels like crap and you dont know how you are going to cope .......somehow it will just happen.......hugs to ya huge fat ones..see you in another thread another time another bat channel...)..deb

[Lillygoose]

I bet you will be surprised, I have been there.

 

Most of us have..I already had the depression before the break up..

 

And what the whole break-up thing did was trigger it. He was all I had, Gave up everything to be with him moved 350 miles away from everyone.

 

But I found this forum and it is brilliant.

 

One person mentioned above

 

One day at a time

 

and that what it is

 

Message me if you need to chat and rant x

[stevie_23]

I understand the thing about NC being like that person’s died. It’s terrible to have to go through just having this person completely cut off from you. Can’t see them, can’t talk to them, can’t “access” them at all. Like they cease to exist, except you know they still do and this is a choice, unlike if they really HAD died. *sigh*

 

Do you think you held onto a small amount of hope before the last week when you went NC that maybe you might one day get back together? You said the BU was so difficult but after 5 months and THEN to go NC, is even harder? Is this because now you truly have to accept it’s really over? Or did you kind of use her continued presence in your life up until now as a bit of a security blanket and now you have to really move on 100%? The fact it's been 5 months and this recent NC has hit you so hard hints to me that maybe you weren't really able to move on during those 5 months as much as you may have wanted / needed to.

 

Who broke up with whom, and why do you think it happened?

 

You mentioned you feel guilty and have been going over in your head everything you may have done wrong or didn’t do or should have done, etc? Guilt, in my opinion, is an unproductive emotion and it just complicates the grieving process, which is hard enough as it is. You have NO reason to feel guilty. You clearly love and care for your ex. I don’t think you would’ve treated her SO horribly during your relationship that you would now have a valid reason to feel guilty.

 

You may be trying to gain SOME small amount of control over this incredibly painful situation by assigning responsibility or blame to your own actions. You may wonder, because you did or didn’t do certain things to, for or with your ex while you were together, is THIS partly why the relationship ended? That kind of thing. Because if you have some hand in its end because of your actions, then that gives you some sort of control and that, therefore, makes the situation less incomprehensible and impossible to accept and understand. The fact that sometimes these things just HAPPEN isn’t usually good enough as a reason, but annoyingly, it’s the most common reason for relationship break ups and no one partner is entirely at fault.

 

You wonder if she still loves you? If you truly, deep down in your heart believe she loved you when you were together, then she probably still loves you now in some way. Relationships don’t ALWAYS end because someone stops loving the other person. Sometimes other factors get in the way. Also just because someone’s feelings DO change and they don’t want to be with you anymore doesn’t mean they never loved you.

 

I really hope you can find some way to calm your mind and feel even a tiny bit better while time does its healing work.

[hockeyfan99]

thanks for your reply. it means a lot to me that you're able to take the time to try to help me out on this MOST difficult period in my life, BY FAR.

 

i know i held on to that hope that we would get back together not only just because but also from some of the signals she would send me. case in point, i've been doing some traveling to help get out there and try to get all this off my mind. well my last trip was a cruise all by myself (not a singles cruise) and because we were still in contact i called her to say goodbye and that i would try to get a hold of her when i reach my destination and that i would email her and call her when i was back. i also assured her that i WAS NOT going on this cruise to find someone else cause that was a serious concern of her as she had stated it to me. that was the last thing on my mind. so when i called her to tell her bye and that i was leaving and she started to cry and had to get off the phone. so i called her back in tears myself and AGAIN assured her that i was not looking for anyone else and she was the only person i wanted and loved her more than anything in the universe. so you can see how that would make me feel. my ex was either being super mean (doubt it) or she was just plain and simple worried. so that was one case where i got mixed signals from her. i traveled to DC alone and again worried about me meeting someone else. went to syracuse to visit an old friend after xmas and again worried that i was going to fall for her or something. i did have a crush on this girl about 10 years ago but nothing ever happened and we just remained good friends and those "crush" feelings were long gone many many years ago. this person was never a threat.

 

so yes i would have to say that i held onto hope the she would take me back someday. every morning since this happened in sept i wake up and say that maybe this will be the day she takes me back. so yes when we went into NC i hit rock bottom b/c at that point i realized that ALL my hope was dashed and that i was going to truly have to "let go". it's odd b/c the actual BU was far easier than NC. i guess you're right in a way. she was my security blanket or what i call "my drug". but again i only held out b/c she never seemed totally secure in her decision so i held out hope......BIG mistake. everyone kept saying, stop talking to her but i was afraid that if i did that she would move on to someone else and all my hopes and dreams would have been dashed.

 

my ex broke up with me. from the start my ex had trust issues in general. she resisted that fact but i could see it plain as day. but i didn't harp on her b/c her father walked out her life in her late teens and it scarred her so bad. i totally took that into consideration and even offered to help her in some way. but she insisted that she didn't have trust issues. well with her having trust issues, my ex was one that needed to know EVERYTHING, even thoughts running through my head. so i did lie to her about some things and i took full blame. i feel that someone should not try to control ones thoughts (ex: if i saw a nice looking girl). i just felt like i NEVER had any privacy. i felt like i always had to report back to her about things that i might have seen or thought. i just felt that wasn't right so i would save face and lie to her or omit that part. its the wrong way to do it but at this point i'm in a no-win situation. see what i mean?

 

i won't go into detail about what happened that finally pushed her over the top but rest assured i DID NOT cheat on her. i DID NOT have some kid from the past i didn't tell her about. i DID NOT use drugs or anything like that. i swore on her life that what she was thinking was not the truth. well she found out otherwise and that really really hurt her. i didn't mean to do it and i usually don't do that but i felt so cornered that out of fear she asked me to swear on her life and i did real quick not realizing what just happened. i was hoping that i would be forgotten or overlooked but i was wrong. swearing on her life is by far the worst mistake i have ever made and i have since made a promise to myself and others that i would NEVER make that mistake EVER again.

 

after she found out about the swear we lasted another 2 months. i really though things were getting better. i was way more open and honest with her but i think by then the damage was already done. so i certainly didn't help with her trust issues. i just feel that "the crime, doesn't match the time" if you know what i mean. cheating, drug use or if i had some disease i failed to mention to her would grounds for the BU but not what i did. IMO....i guess.

 

my guilt stems directly from what mistakes i made in the relationship. i just felt like NOTHING i did was enough for her. if i made a change with something she didn't like then THAT wasn't good enough. it drove me crazy and made me afraid to be around her. i just felt like i couldn't be myself at all. i would try and then she would judge me and then thats when i would try to save face and lie to her then i would feel guilty that i did and then when everything happened and the BU happened i just felt so guilty b/c i shouldn't have lied to her but i was so afraid to just be myself. round and round we go....

 

as far as her still loving me.....i know she does. we were made for each other. i think she had a hard time fully letting go as well because of the love we had for each other during and after the BU (ex: her worrying about me meeting someone else sorta thing) but i know she does still love me. hell i know i still do.

 

she has mentioned to me after the BU that she didn't "want" this. she "had" to do this. she said that b/c of the way she is she would always question me and it would drive the both of us crazy. i understand what she's trying to say, but i think everyone deserves forgiveness and a second chance. i'm not perfect....i'm far from it. but i have seen TONS of other men do things 10x worse than i did and they are still together and happy as can be. ME, i make some mistakes (yes one was bad) and i'm out the door. but like you said, i have NO control over this.

 

everyone keeps telling me that WE would have never worked. IDK. i put my heart and soul into that relationship and tried SO to make it work and in a way keep her happy and i FAILED.......that makes me so so sad. i'm a really nice guy. i just made some mistakes that are probably going to haunt me the rest of my life. everyday i tell myself that i let the best one get away b/c of my actions and it break my heart into a MILLION pieces.............i would give my LIFE for this person, no questions asked. that's how much i loved and still love her.

 

again. thanks for your reply

sorry for my long reply......

 

 

I understand the thing about NC being like that person’s died. It’s terrible to have to go through just having this person completely cut off from you. Can’t see them, can’t talk to them, can’t “access” them at all. Like they cease to exist, except you know they still do and this is a choice, unlike if they really HAD died. *sigh*

 

Do you think you held onto a small amount of hope before the last week when you went NC that maybe you might one day get back together? You said the BU was so difficult but after 5 months and THEN to go NC, is even harder? Is this because now you truly have to accept it’s really over? Or did you kind of use her continued presence in your life up until now as a bit of a security blanket and now you have to really move on 100%? The fact it's been 5 months and this recent NC has hit you so hard hints to me that maybe you weren't really able to move on during those 5 months as much as you may have wanted / needed to.

 

Who broke up with whom, and why do you think it happened?

 

You mentioned you feel guilty and have been going over in your head everything you may have done wrong or didn’t do or should have done, etc? Guilt, in my opinion, is an unproductive emotion and it just complicates the grieving process, which is hard enough as it is. You have NO reason to feel guilty. You clearly love and care for your ex. I don’t think you would’ve treated her SO horribly during your relationship that you would now have a valid reason to feel guilty.

 

You may be trying to gain SOME small amount of control over this incredibly painful situation by assigning responsibility or blame to your own actions. You may wonder, because you did or didn’t do certain things to, for or with your ex while you were together, is THIS partly why the relationship ended? That kind of thing. Because if you have some hand in its end because of your actions, then that gives you some sort of control and that, therefore, makes the situation less incomprehensible and impossible to accept and understand. The fact that sometimes these things just HAPPEN isn’t usually good enough as a reason, but annoyingly, it’s the most common reason for relationship break ups and no one partner is entirely at fault.

 

You wonder if she still loves you? If you truly, deep down in your heart believe she loved you when you were together, then she probably still loves you now in some way. Relationships don’t ALWAYS end because someone stops loving the other person. Sometimes other factors get in the way. Also just because someone’s feelings DO change and they don’t want to be with you anymore doesn’t mean they never loved you.

 

I really hope you can find some way to calm your mind and feel even a tiny bit better while time does its healing work.

[hockeyfan99]

thanks for your reply

 

but you're right. one day at a time. that what i've been trying to do. its by far the hardest thing to ever happen and the lowest that i have ever felt in my life. i would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. the depression is killer. so i know what you're going through.

 

i'm sorry that you gave up so much and had that happen to you. doesn't seem right. having that happen to you makes you not want to ever get hurt again. i know thats the way i feel. i'm SO afraid to open myself up again and get hurt. i know its the chance you take but it's still in the back of my mind. you know what i mean?

 

but traveling has helped me for the most part. but "time" is the only thing thats going to help both of us.

 

can i ask??????? who broke up with who? was it out of no where? do you want to tell me a little more about what happened? its ok if don't. i would totally understand.

 

but thanks again for the nice words. "TIME" i'm really starting to freaking HATE that word!!!!! lol

 

P.S.....i love your screen name. very cute. cute pic too....just saying. sorry. i hope that wasn't too forward

 

 

 

 

I bet you will be surprised, I have been there.

 

Most of us have..I already had the depression before the break up..

 

And what the whole break-up thing did was trigger it. He was all I had, Gave up everything to be with him moved 350 miles away from everyone.

 

But I found this forum and it is brilliant.

 

One person mentioned above

 

One day at a time

 

and that what it is

 

Message me if you need to chat and rant x

[stevie_23]

Well…ok. I’ve read through what you said, and I think yeah, you shouldn’t have sworn on her life and have that not be true, however…come on, woman (your ex). It’s not the end of the world. I think she sounds like she has some fairly deep seated issues surrounding being abandoned by her father, and so she’s perpetually insecure and feels threatened by things that most people wouldn’t be bothered about. I don’t know how much freedom you need in a relationship, but if she really did make you feel like she wanted to control EVERYTHING (even your own thoughts), then this is just really not good, and can only end badly for both of you. It’s not good for her to live constantly worried and anxious while you are living feeling like she’s always watching you, trying to control you so she can function in the relationship…neither of you, in the relationship’s current state, could give the other what you ultimately needed. And that’s no one’s fault.

 

You say you feel like nothing was enough for her that you did? That sucks. And again, you should try not to feel guilty for that. It’s HER responsibility, not your’s.

 

You also say you were perfect together, made for each other? But…in many ways yes, I think you were (because you do feel that way), but…in other ways, no you were not. Or she would’ve felt secure in that relationship. And you wouldn’t have felt like nothing you did was enough.

 

You did NOT fail. There IS no failure in a relationship.

[AlexfromBoston]

Hockeyfan, this is one of those cases where you should've been NC since the first week of the break. 5 months is a long time to get strung along. Trust me buddy, as soon as you delete her out of your life the sooner you are going to start feeling better. NO girl is worth the aggravation. There is approximately 3.4 BILLION women in the world...I am certain that out of that 3.4 billion, there is another female that can make you happy. You're a junkie with a pocket full of loaded needles amigo, block her from your phone, social network sites, etc. You can't kick the addiction if she can access you 24/7. And before you make any irrational decisions pertaining to your safety, try calling this number: 1-800-273-8255...thats the suicide hotline and they can help. Goodluck man, hang in there.

[stevie_23]

Oh my goodness. I hope Hockeyfan doesn't need to call that hotline number.

 

Anyway, yes...going NC right from the start is probably better in the long run BUT, it would be a worse impact at the beginning. You'd have the shock and horror of the initial BU and then to totally lose them via NC as well, all at the same time? UGH!

[hockeyfan99]

Well…ok. I’ve read through what you said, and I think yeah, you shouldn’t have sworn on her life and have that not be true, however…come on, woman (your ex). It’s not the end of the world. I think she sounds like she has some fairly deep seated issues surrounding being abandoned by her father, and so she’s perpetually insecure and feels threatened by things that most people wouldn’t be bothered about. I don’t know how much freedom you need in a relationship, but if she really did make you feel like she wanted to control EVERYTHING (even your own thoughts), then this is just really not good, and can only end badly for both of you. It’s not good for her to live constantly worried and anxious while you are living feeling like she’s always watching you, trying to control you so she can function in the relationship…neither of you, in the relationship’s current state, could give the other what you ultimately needed. And that’s no one’s fault.

 

You say you feel like nothing was enough for her that you did? That sucks. And again, you should try not to feel guilty for that. It’s HER responsibility, not your’s.

 

You also say you were perfect together, made for each other? But…in many ways yes, I think you were (because you do feel that way), but…in other ways, no you were not. Or she would’ve felt secure in that relationship. And you wouldn’t have felt like nothing you did was enough.

 

You did NOT fail. There IS no failure in a relationship.

 

 

i feel horrible that i hurt her feelings but i also feel the most do about how she reacted. i feel like she went over the top with that. some people even say that it wasn't the only reason she broke up with me. some say there was other things involved and i believe that for the most part. i just wished that she could have just kicked my ass and forgiven me. but my ex was the type that would never let ANYTHING go. if i told her about a thought i had and she didn't like it she could never let it go no matter how much i tried to convince her that it was....just a thought and nothing more. she would tell me that she could never get over it and then she wonders why i wouldn't want to tell her anything. i felt damned either way. i'm a super huge forgiving type person and would never hold a stupid thought that someone had over their head all that time. i mean enough is enough!!

 

i could remember many times sitting next to her in the car and its quiet and i feel like i've done something wrong. so naturally i would ask her if there was something i did wrong. she said it used to drive her crazy when i did that but i couldn't help it. i want to make sure i was in the "OK". most of the time i was but i always felt under the gun with her. its so sad b/c i poured my heart and soul into this relationship and wanted to give her the world but i shouldn't have ever felt that way. don't get me wrong, my ex was and still is a VERY caring and loving woman. the most i have ever known. but there was that other side of her that just scared the hell outta me. and you should never feel scared of the one you love. i told her many times how i felt and she understood but nothing would ever change. she never made it easy for me to come to her and tell her a mistake i might have made or just be able to come up to her to discuss something that was bothering me. so what would i do? either not say something or just fib about it and PRAY to god she doesn't find out even for the smallest things. i didn't need her to hold anything else against me. so so sad.

 

i understand what you're saying about failing and you're right.

[hockeyfan99]

Hockeyfan, this is one of those cases where you should've been NC since the first week of the break. 5 months is a long time to get strung along. Trust me buddy, as soon as you delete her out of your life the sooner you are going to start feeling better. NO girl is worth the aggravation. There is approximately 3.4 BILLION women in the world...I am certain that out of that 3.4 billion, there is another female that can make you happy. You're a junkie with a pocket full of loaded needles amigo, block her from your phone, social network sites, etc. You can't kick the addiction if she can access you 24/7. And before you make any irrational decisions pertaining to your safety, try calling this number: 1-800-273-8255...thats the suicide hotline and they can help. Goodluck man, hang in there.

 

thanks for your reply buddy.

 

i am working on removing her from my life even though it hurts like total hell. the were SO MANY times i felt like throwing my arms up and giving up but i just didn't want to b/c i loved her so so much. but hopefully there is one out of the 3.4 billion just for me.

 

thanks for the number. i'm feeling a little better today but i will keep on hand.

 

thanks again

[stevie_23]

The sitting in the car thing, feeling as if you're walking on eggshells and asking if something's wrong, I can relate to. But in the opposite way. I was the one who my partner's felt they had to walk on eggshells around at times. If something was wrong, if they'd done something wrong, if I'd harp on about something or other, blow up at them, etc. And the thing is, they never really did anything wrong. It was always my own insecurities, my own hangups, my own issues. Not their's. I think it's the same here in your relationship.

 

It really seems like both of your GOOD points came together very well and you were very happy and in love. But her issues and the way you dealt with them (which was reasonable and normal, by the way) did NOT match up. It seems as if you were both trying to be in a relationship that just couldn't provide what you both needed all the time, and this is normal too, cause it's a VERY rare relationship that can satisfy ALL needs ALL the time, BUT the things you both needed from each other were REALLY not able to be satisfied and this caused major issues.

 

I also think your ex overreacted, but that's how it was. That's how she was. You just...couldn't be everything she needed, and from the sounds of it, it seems as if nobody could be at this stage. She may need some help with her issues.

 

I'm not saying you're perfect and she's defective at all either, but...yeah. Sometimes love just isn't enough for 2 people to work happily in a relationship.

[hockeyfan99]

The sitting in the car thing, feeling as if you're walking on eggshells and asking if something's wrong, I can relate to. But in the opposite way. I was the one who my partner's felt they had to walk on eggshells around at times. If something was wrong, if they'd done something wrong, if I'd harp on about something or other, blow up at them, etc. And the thing is, they never really did anything wrong. It was always my own insecurities, my own hangups, my own issues. Not their's. I think it's the same here in your relationship.

 

It really seems like both of your GOOD points came together very well and you were very happy and in love. But her issues and the way you dealt with them (which was reasonable and normal, by the way) did NOT match up. It seems as if you were both trying to be in a relationship that just couldn't provide what you both needed all the time, and this is normal too, cause it's a VERY rare relationship that can satisfy ALL needs ALL the time, BUT the things you both needed from each other were REALLY not able to be satisfied and this caused major issues.

 

I also think your ex overreacted, but that's how it was. That's how she was. You just...couldn't be everything she needed, and from the sounds of it, it seems as if nobody could be at this stage. She may need some help with her issues.

 

I'm not saying you're perfect and she's defective at all either, but...yeah. Sometimes love just isn't enough for 2 people to work happily in a relationship.

 

i understand what you're saying. i just wished that i was going to be the guy she married. i loved her so much and was soooo willing to make changes in my life just to make HER happy. i'm just really sad that it didn't work out. i was one that was always so scared to say i love you and stuff like that and she was the first one that i was ever able to say that to w/o feeling scared. now i feel like i'm going to crawl back into that shell again.....

 

on a side not....i had to break NC yesterday to text her to inform her that i was cancelling some theme park passes that i was paying for the both of us. i didn't want to do it but i felt that it was the polite thing to do rather than have her find out when she showed up to get into the theme park and couldn't. i think a little part of me was still showing her that i was still that sweet guy looking out for her and doing nice things. but when she replied she seemed so standoff'ish. she thanked me for letting her know. i don't know how to take that text. i was really upset that she didn't even take a second to ask how i was doing. i don't know if i was thinking too much into it or what but it still hurt. even this morning i'm thinking about it and i'm upset about it. my life really sucks right now. its texts like yesterday that make me feel so unwanted and very lonely.

[hockeyfan99]

i just feel like i'm going to have a total break down today. this break up and now NC has caused it to effect my health now. my mental health right now is a train wreck. i'm sitting at my desk here at work and i feel like i'm going to start crying my eyes out. i just got off the phone with my brother-in-law crying my eyes out to him. i just can't seem to get a grip on my life right now. the problem is that i just don't see any end in sight AT ALL.

 

i'm totally sure that i'm suffering from depression. going to talk to my dr about that when i see her in a couple of weeks. MY. LIFE. IS. A. MESS!! anything that comes up in addition to the BU and NC crap just makes me feel a million times more sad and depressed. i know many people would say, "well that's just life". but right now i just don't want to hear that. i just want to be able to focus on this and get past the BU and NC before i try to tackle any of my other issues.

 

i just can't seem to sit still either. i tried going over my brother's house to just hang out but all i wanted to do was be alone. i feel like i don't want to be bothered b/c i'm caught up in my own thoughts. so sad... i was trying to go there to get everything off my mind. i've been drinking A LOT more than i ever have. i take meds too but i just can't seem to keep myself calm. i'm fine when i have a few drinks but as soon as they wear off my problems are still there. people have told me not to go down that road but i just can't help it. i just want to be numb and not have to deal with all this crap.....even though i know i need to.

 

i'm just at a loss for words right now. here i a crying my eyes out at a moments notice and my ex is prob out having the freaking time of her life!!! i feel like she just totally threw me into the gutter and kicked me while i was down.

 

i'm sinking people......

[stevie_23]

It sounds like you put a lot of effort into this relationship to try to make her happy and be more who she wanted you to be. This is nice, but…it shouldn’t necessarily be required. You and her need to be with someone who you don’t HAVE to change for or modify your behaviour for. It should be EASY. I know relationships take work, but it shouldn’t be THAT hard. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells, hide your thoughts from her or conversely feel pressured to tell her all your thoughts, and then feel you have to modify those thoughts once you do reveal them. That tends to warp a person after a while.

 

And because you did put so much effort in and it still wasn’t enough to keep the relationship going and happy, this can leave you feeling ultra responsible. “I didn’t do enough”, “I failed”, etc. You’ve said things to this effect yourself, and it’s fairly common in partners that try SO hard and still “fail” (though you know how I feel about that word. It’s irrelevant in terms of relationships. There IS no failure. It is all a valuable learning experience and no ONE partner is at fault)

 

But you took responsibility onto yourself during the relationship to make it work better, to keep your ex happy, and now after it’s ended, you’re still trying to assign responsibility for how things ended and why and all that. It’s just…fruitless, I’m afraid. It won’t help anything. It definitely won’t help YOU, that’s for sure.

 

Also, people who bend over backwards to make their partner happy sometimes forget or lose touch with how it even feels to do things for THEM, to behave naturally as THEMSELVES. And this is also why when it ends even despite everything they’ve done, they can still get stuck living FOR that other person, who they were never good enough for. You’re still doing that to an extent. It is over…and you’re dealing with the impact of that fully right now, but you’re STILL thinking that YOU should have done something more, something different…anything at all. And it’s just NOT about that. As hard as it is to accept, sometimes we just cannot help a situation. We cannot control or change another person’s feelings or actions, no matter how hard we try to be everything they need. We cannot always make that person happy. It’s hard.

 

In terms of your breaking NC to tell her about the tickets, yeah, that’s polite and good of you to let her know. Her “standoffish” reply…well, see, trying to analyse it is just going to create more pain and angst for you. Your view of standoffish could be her view of normal now you’re not together anymore. When my first-ever ex broke up with me back in 2001, (we’d been together for 4 years and best friends for 8 years) at first for about 2-3 weeks it was awkward. She wasn’t exactly standoffish, and we still were friends, but she was NOT how she’d been before. Even before we got together. She felt cold and distant to me. It was hard. But then we discussed stuff deeply at one point, sorted out a lot of things, and she said “I’ve got my best friend back!!” she seemed SO happy and relieved and after that, we were all the way to being best friends. No awkwardness, no coldness. She just didn’t know how to BE before that. And I’m not saying your ex is interested in being friends (I don’t know if she is or not, or if you could do that or not), but what I’m saying is she probably just doesn’t know how to BE with you now. Formal? Polite? Cool? Standoffish? Friendly but not too friendly because then it could get complicated? You know what I mean? Try not to read too much into it. Maybe she didn’t ask how you were doing because she KNOWS how you’re doing. Pretty damn bad. And by her asking, what would that achieve? Getting back together again? Trying to be friends? If she wanted to go NC, well…there was a reason. NOT because she doesn’t love you. NOT because she didn’t want the relationship to work out and is sad it didn’t. But because…she doesn’t want to prolong the pain anymore. Wants to move on properly now.

 

It’s not about being unwanted, you realise. I know how hard that is to believe and accept, but it’s just the situation. She obviously loved you. Wanted to be with you. Eventually wasn’t happy. She seems very demanding and high maintenance and insecure as a relationship partner. You were good to her. Made lots of efforts to be what she wanted you to be. You did not fail, you tried so hard. It is not YOUR fault or responsibility that what she needs and wants in a relationship became what you were not able to do. It is NOT a negative reflection on you as a person. It does NOT define your worth as a person. She simply needs to work on her own issues and then at some later stage she’d be more inclined to be happy in a normal relationship.

 

I know that horrible restless feeling of wanting to get out, get away, move around, be ANYWHERE other than where you are. You go out, then you feel crap and all you want is to be back home. So you go home. But you just sit around and cry. You put on the TV. Try to distract yourself, but you can’t focus. You just cannot believe THIS is your reality now. How is it even possible? No matter where you go, you can’t escape your own head. It’s a nightmare. I’ve been there. I’m sorry you’re still there right now. But you are not alone, ok?

Edited February 27, 2013 by stevie_23

[hockeyfan99]

It sounds like you put a lot of effort into this relationship to try to make her happy and be more who she wanted you to be. This is nice, but…it shouldn’t necessarily be required. You and her need to be with someone who you don’t HAVE to change for or modify your behaviour for. It should be EASY. I know relationships take work, but it shouldn’t be THAT hard. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells, hide your thoughts from her or conversely feel pressured to tell her all your thoughts, and then feel you have to modify those thoughts once you do reveal them. That tends to warp a person after a while.

 

And because you did put so much effort in and it still wasn’t enough to keep the relationship going and happy, this can leave you feeling ultra responsible. “I didn’t do enough”, “I failed”, etc. You’ve said things to this effect yourself, and it’s fairly common in partners that try SO hard and still “fail” (though you know how I feel about that word. It’s irrelevant in terms of relationships. There IS no failure. It is all a valuable learning experience and no ONE partner is at fault)

 

But you took responsibility onto yourself during the relationship to make it work better, to keep your ex happy, and now after it’s ended, you’re still trying to assign responsibility for how things ended and why and all that. It’s just…fruitless, I’m afraid. It won’t help anything. It definitely won’t help YOU, that’s for sure.

 

Also, people who bend over backwards to make their partner happy sometimes forget or lose touch with how it even feels to do things for THEM, to behave naturally as THEMSELVES. And this is also why when it ends even despite everything they’ve done, they can still get stuck living FOR that other person, who they were never good enough for. You’re still doing that to an extent. It is over…and you’re dealing with the impact of that fully right now, but you’re STILL thinking that YOU should have done something more, something different…anything at all. And it’s just NOT about that. As hard as it is to accept, sometimes we just cannot help a situation. We cannot control or change another person’s feelings or actions, no matter how hard we try to be everything they need. We cannot always make that person happy. It’s hard.

 

In terms of your breaking NC to tell her about the tickets, yeah, that’s polite and good of you to let her know. Her “standoffish” reply…well, see, trying to analyse it is just going to create more pain and angst for you. Your view of standoffish could be her view of normal now you’re not together anymore. When my first-ever ex broke up with me back in 2001, (we’d been together for 4 years and best friends for 8 years) at first for about 2-3 weeks it was awkward. She wasn’t exactly standoffish, and we still were friends, but she was NOT how she’d been before. Even before we got together. She felt cold and distant to me. It was hard. But then we discussed stuff deeply at one point, sorted out a lot of things, and she said “I’ve got my best friend back!!” she seemed SO happy and relieved and after that, we were all the way to being best friends. No awkwardness, no coldness. She just didn’t know how to BE before that. And I’m not saying your ex is interested in being friends (I don’t know if she is or not, or if you could do that or not), but what I’m saying is she probably just doesn’t know how to BE with you now. Formal? Polite? Cool? Standoffish? Friendly but not too friendly because then it could get complicated? You know what I mean? Try not to read too much into it. Maybe she didn’t ask how you were doing because she KNOWS how you’re doing. Pretty damn bad. And by her asking, what would that achieve? Getting back together again? Trying to be friends? If she wanted to go NC, well…there was a reason. NOT because she doesn’t love you. NOT because she didn’t want the relationship to work out and is sad it didn’t. But because…she doesn’t want to prolong the pain anymore. Wants to move on properly now.

 

It’s not about being unwanted, you realise. I know how hard that is to believe and accept, but it’s just the situation. She obviously loved you. Wanted to be with you. Eventually wasn’t happy. She seems very demanding and high maintenance and insecure as a relationship partner. You were good to her. Made lots of efforts to be what she wanted you to be. You did not fail, you tried so hard. It is not YOUR fault or responsibility that what she needs and wants in a relationship became what you were not able to do. It is NOT a negative reflection on you as a person. It does NOT define your worth as a person. She simply needs to work on her own issues and then at some later stage she’d be more inclined to be happy in a normal relationship.

 

I know that horrible restless feeling of wanting to get out, get away, move around, be ANYWHERE other than where you are. You go out, then you feel crap and all you want is to be back home. So you go home. But you just sit around and cry. You put on the TV. Try to distract yourself, but you can’t focus. You just cannot believe THIS is your reality now. How is it even possible? No matter where you go, you can’t escape your own head. It’s a nightmare. I’ve been there. I’m sorry you’re still there right now. But you are not alone, ok?

 

 

you are so nice. you hit everything on the head on so many levels. its like you could look right into my brain and totally understand everything i always wanted to say to my ex. i should have talk to you long ago. thank you so much for your help on this.

 

i tried everything and did the best that i could. i just need to try to remember that every time i start blaming myself. i have learned so much from this relationship and one thing i can promise you is that i will not get into the another one like this ever again.

 

one day at a time.....

 

you're the best

[stevie_23]

Aw thanks!

 

I know we've had a bit of a "run in" previously in that other section of LS, but I know you're a good person and don't deserve to feel so unhappy, and also if I have something of any sort of use or assistance to offer, I'll give it, no matter who it is.

 

And yes. One day at a time. That is all you can ever do. Just put one foot in front of the other and try to keep walking towards a place that will eventually bring you some happiness and peace within yourself.

 

Keep telling yourself you tried in that relationship. Try not to blame anyone, either her or yourself. Nobody is at fault. She did make it difficult for you, but that sometimes happens when two people, who ARE very good together, but also have some characteristics that just don't match up very well and they can cause problems in the relationship in general.

 

My view is in relationships, you've got 2 people who both contribute to the good AND the bad aspects of the relationship, and apart from specific events such as abuse, cheating, etc, nobody is ever at fault individually for the breakdown of a relationship or for it not always being a happy relationship.

 

A break up isn't saying YOU are not wanted or loved, it is saying the RELATIONSHIP in its current state was not able to provide what was required anymore.

[coffeebean201]

Hi!

For sure call that number they provide. Call it as often as you need - that is why they have these hotlines. When you need it, you need it.

 

Also sounds like you need to talk to someone and set up some ongoing counselling.

 

When we lose a love, we also lose our best friend. We aren't always the most sad right when we break up. It can be months later.

 

And don't cry at work...

Hugs!

[stevie_23]

ALSO, we lose the hopes and dreams we had for the future…which, months down the track is NOW, so…it can hit hard at a later stage due to that as well.

[hockeyfan99]

Hi!

For sure call that number they provide. Call it as often as you need - that is why they have these hotlines. When you need it, you need it.

 

Also sounds like you need to talk to someone and set up some ongoing counselling.

 

When we lose a love, we also lose our best friend. We aren't always the most sad right when we break up. It can be months later.

 

And don't cry at work...

Hugs!

 

thanks....

 

i have been seeing a counselor since about 1 month after it happened. i was beside myself when it all when down 5 months ago and so i sought out help for it. the sessions help while i'm there but soon after i leave it all comes back

 

you are so right about being upset right after the breakup. in fact i was super sad right after it happened but it got better and deep inside i thought it was just going to be just a temp deal but soon i started to realize that was not the case. then the NC hit and i felt like i lost more than when she broke up with me. in a way....i did. before NC there was hope...now there is none.

 

and i'll try not to cry at work.

[hockeyfan99]

Aw thanks!

 

I know we've had a bit of a "run in" previously in that other section of LS, but I know you're a good person and don't deserve to feel so unhappy, and also if I have something of any sort of use or assistance to offer, I'll give it, no matter who it is.

 

And yes. One day at a time. That is all you can ever do. Just put one foot in front of the other and try to keep walking towards a place that will eventually bring you some happiness and peace within yourself.

 

Keep telling yourself you tried in that relationship. Try not to blame anyone, either her or yourself. Nobody is at fault. She did make it difficult for you, but that sometimes happens when two people, who ARE very good together, but also have some characteristics that just don't match up very well and they can cause problems in the relationship in general.

 

My view is in relationships, you've got 2 people who both contribute to the good AND the bad aspects of the relationship, and apart from specific events such as abuse, cheating, etc, nobody is ever at fault individually for the breakdown of a relationship or for it not always being a happy relationship.

 

A break up isn't saying YOU are not wanted or loved, it is saying the RELATIONSHIP in its current state was not able to provide what was required anymore.

 

well thank you so much for what you give to me for advice. i can't tell you that what you have said has made a huge impact on how i look at things.

 

my ex tried to tell me the same thing about "failing" in the relationship and she said the same thing that nobody was at fault. we just didn't each others needs. i understood what she was saying but she put the bar SO HIGH for me and i just felt that it was so unfair to do that. in fact she better lower that bar or NOBODY is going to want to put up with that crap. the sad thing about that is that she'll prob seek help now and it will get better and then she'll be ok for the next guy. the problem i have with that is that it took breaking MY heart into a million pieces to finally realize that she needed help, even though i offered to help her in ANY way i could. that upsets me soooo much b/c i am a good person and love to love. i told her i loved her at 2-3 times a day. we didn't live together but i always made sure to tell her goodnight and send her a morning text as though i was not laying right next to her in bed. but believe me, she would let me know if i forgot because i either fell asleep early or b/c i was running late in the morning and it just slipped my mind. but it was something i enjoyed doing and it made her happy. sometimes its the little things that count.

 

but you're right about the "it takes 2" in a relationship and that nobody is at fault when it doesn't work out.

 

i know she still loves me and will prob for a long time but its hard to not to feel like you're unwanted. i'll have to work on that part. its a hard pill to swallow.

 

"I" opened many doors for her that she was not able overcome. (hopefully not TMI) i was her first. she never wore a bikini in front of anyone else. she never showered with anyone else. she never considered marrying anyone else up to that point. she never thought about kids with anyone else. "WE" just had tons of plans for the future because we loved each other so so deeply. when we met for the first time, it was truly love at first sight. i know that sounds so common to hear but it was the truth. i broke with my girlfriend to be with her and she did the same b/c we were both in relationships that we were not happy in at all. so i fell for her in s split second. GOD i wish i could live that moment everyday. best night of my life.

 

aside from the BU, my ex was the best thing to happy to me. she opened me up to truly loving someone. again aside from the bar being set SO HIGH, she was everything i wanted in a girl. my ex had "body dysmorphic disorder" but i always made sure to tell her everyday that she was gorgeous and beautiful and that i loved her just the way she was. our fav song was billy joel's "i love you just the way you are". it was my way of saying, you are perfect to me. by aside from the outer appearance, she was and still is a very caring and loving person. i have never met anyone like her. she showed me so many good things that i never realized were out there. she is a good woman...........i just wish i was her man. i would give up everything to be with her again, even though my family would think that i'm crazy for saying that. its hard not to feel that way when you love someone that much..

[Coping Vortex]

i have been in so much pain these last 5 months about my break up. we just went into NC for about a week and i'm starting to feel like all this is way too much for me to handle.

 

i'm starting to feel like "checking out on life". i just can't take this pain anymore. i'm so so hurt that all this happened. i can't deal with the regret. i can't deal with the guilt. i can't deal with the shame. i just can't deal with the sadness anymore. this is the worst thing i have ever gone through.

 

i know a lot of people are going to say that i'll get through this but right now i feel like i'm going to have a nervous break down and i just can't stand this pain anymore.............

 

I know this little comfort but just know you are not alone. Its been 4 months for me and I am in the same state as you. I think about her 24 hours a day for the whole 4 months. I take Xanax to go to sleep most nights. I see a counselor every week for $90 a pop. I have off and on contact with my ex but to no avail she is with someone else and she isn't coming back.

 

To make matters worse she strings me along and says things like "I'm not giving up and you and me". While she sleeps with someone else. I know its no consolation but just know this scenario happens and it sucks when it happens to us. Short of having a terminal disease or a death of a loved one I can't think of worse pain. I struggle each day with depression and grief. At some point we need to wake up and realize we have to start getting our life back.

 

I do relate to you though as its so hard to accept that the person that looked into your eyes with undying love now no longer feels the same. How can that be??? But its true and the acceptance is the hardest thing to endure.

 

We all feel like we will wake up from this nightmare one day and our lover will be with us once again. Unfortunately reality is vastly different.

 

You said you she loves you. well you maybe right as I know my ex loves me. If she was in front of me right now I know she would be hugging and kissing me like crazy. I know this because I lived it. However she is not coming back. Once things change and they are gone they may look back to the old relationship but that does not mean they want to actually go back. In fact in almost every case they don't.

 

So my advice is this. Grieve, get the depression out until you are sick of feeling depressed and try to remember this. That person that you had that amazing relationship with is gone! She is no longer alive the person you know now is a whole other person. She is not the person you knew. We all want to to be back in the past and we someone want them to be in that time and space too. But they are not they are here in the present and that present does not include us.

 

You can send me a PM if you want. The best we can do is lean on each other on this site.