i don't think i can take this pain anymore

February 27, 2013

I know this little comfort but just know you are not alone. Its been 4 months for me and I am in the same state as you. I think about her 24 hours a day for the whole 4 months. I take Xanax to go to sleep most nights. I see a counselor every week for $90 a pop. I have off and on contact with my ex but to no avail she is with someone else and she isn't coming back.

To make matters worse she strings me along and says things like "I'm not giving up and you and me". While she sleeps with someone else. I know its no consolation but just know this scenario happens and it sucks when it happens to us. Short of having a terminal disease or a death of a loved one I can't think of worse pain. I struggle each day with depression and grief. At some point we need to wake up and realize we have to start getting our life back.

I do relate to you though as its so hard to accept that the person that looked into your eyes with undying love now no longer feels the same. How can that be??? But its true and the acceptance is the hardest thing to endure.

We all feel like we will wake up from this nightmare one day and our lover will be with us once again. Unfortunately reality is vastly different.

You said you she loves you. well you maybe right as I know my ex loves me. If she was in front of me right now I know she would be hugging and kissing me like crazy. I know this because I lived it. However she is not coming back. Once things change and they are gone they may look back to the old relationship but that does not mean they want to actually go back. In fact in almost every case they don't.

So my advice is this. Grieve, get the depression out until you are sick of feeling depressed and try to remember this. That person that you had that amazing relationship with is gone! She is no longer alive the person you know now is a whole other person. She is not the person you knew. We all want to to be back in the past and we someone want them to be in that time and space too. But they are not they are here in the present and that present does not include us.

You can send me a PM if you want. The best we can do is lean on each other on this site.

i totally understand what you're saying. if there was some chance at all to ever get back with my ex, things would never be the same ESP after all the time that has passed. i mean if it was a week or two that would be different but she has been gone for 5 months now. there were glimmers of hope b/c we met up a few times and one of those times we had dinner together. she asked me to take her to the airport and i did. she was even going to take me out to lunch for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. but then all the sudden she realized that she was doing the wrong thing and mentioned to me that she didn't want to be depressed anymore. meaning she wanted to move on. WOW. i was SO freaking shocked. in the back of my mind i thought there was a very slim chance that i was ever going to get her back. but when she told me all that, I . WAS. CRUSHED!!! it was like her breaking up with all over again but only 100x worse b/c NOW i have to let go and there was nothing i could do about it. i almost certain that she is not with someone else. she really isn't that type. but if she is, i certainly do not want to know cause i will freak out. it hurts to even think about that. BLAH. think i'm going to puke.

but i know that everyone keeps telling me that i need to work on myself and i'm trying so hard to make myself a better person. but i want to feel loved again SO BAD. i have the love of my family but thats different. i want to look forward again to seeing my NEW GF. thats the way i felt about my ex. even though i was afraid to be around her sometimes, i still ALWAYS looked forward to seeing her, giving her a big hug and a very nice sweet kiss. i want to feel love again. but i know that i'm not ready deep down inside. i need to be able to get past my ex b/f i can even tackle a new GF. that wouldn't be fair to me and certainly WOULD NOT be fair to the new GF. some people do that. they run out and find another girl right away but thats not me. i'm a 41 year old man and i'm about emotional right now as a 12 year old girl that just lost her first B/F. you know what i mean? the last thing i need is to be on a date and start crying about something that reminded me of my ex. some people say that the only way you know for sure that you're truly over your ex is if you can stand in front of them and not feel anything. well i can tell you right now, that will NEVER happen with me standing in front of my ex. she was my first true love. it took me almost 40 years of living to find it and then for it to come crashing down hurt like a mo fo.

i understand what you're saying in regards to the present day. whats so hard about letting go is knowing that the person is still out there somewhere. its like a death but only this person is alive and well but you can't see them, talk to them, nothing. in death there is nothing you can do about it. i'm not saying that real death is easier by any means. i'm just saying that its hard to resist the temptation to pick up the phone and call them just to hear their voice. lately i've been finding myself talking LOTS of walks at work to help reset my brain. but while i'm walking i always seems to stop and look off in the distance in the direction of where my ex lived. i know it sounds stupid. but to me its like saying to myself, "i know you're still out there somewhere and i hope you're ok". i shouldn't do that b/c i should be trying to focus on getting her off my mind. but i just can't help the way i feel. i miss her more than words can ever describe.....my sister said something to me last night that kinda made me mad. she said that it wasn't like i was marrie to her or something like that. she was just a gf. really?? to me, my ex was more than just a gf........she was my life. now maybe i shouldn't put someone up so high like that but when she is your first true love, nothing else matters......

thanks again for the advice

February 28, 2013

Try not to let others' opinions affect you negatively. Take advice and so-called words of wisdom, but take on board the parts that resonate with you. Try not to worry about the stuff that's irrelevant, like your sister saying you weren't married to your ex so you shouldn't have a reason to be so upset. That's just not important here. Married or not, doesn't make a difference to how you felt and how your relationship was.

And yeah, the death thing. It is WORSE than if they'd died, in a way, because they've CHOSEN to leave you. If your beloved dies, it's the worst thing in the world because they're not around anymore and will never be again, and on a more universal / selfless level, the world has lost a good person, BUT at least they didn't CHOOSE it. You're left alone but you knew they loved you to the end and that they'd still be with you if they could. But when they actually leave you VOLUNTARILY, in a specific way, it's worse because it hurts differently. You have the same hurt because they've left, but you also have a different hurt because they chose to do it.

Experiencing so many firsts with a partner...it's also very hard to let go of that, yeah. I've been there. My ex-MM was my first ever man. I feel like I've changed as a person due to this experience with him, and I don't know how to go backwards to who I used to be, but I also don't know how to go FORWARDS because so many of those changes that occurred in me happened with HIM and so...how do I continue being who I am NOW without him?? You sound like you both opened each other up to several things, and that's quite beautiful. You will always have that, even though the relationship didn't last.

And also, just because there WERE so many firsts you showed her and went through with her, it doesn't mean that the relationship would always have been so perfect and amazing. It doesn't mean you and her were always going to be compatible enough to make it work forever.

In a way (and this kinda sucks), being each other's first, or being your partner's first, it almost leaves that partner a bit more susceptible to changing more drastically as a person because they do change after experiencing "first time" events. It DOES bond them to you in a way, but they also grow and change from those experiences too, if that makes sense.

Also, you mentioned you both left your previous partners to be together. This could be a fairly important point. You said she was unhappy in that relationship? Do you know why? It may not be that relevant, but if she left an unhappy relationship to be with you...you may have been, in her eyes, some kind of savior or at least, a much better option. Moving from an unhappy relationship to a good relationship can sometimes skew your perceptions and thus expectations, because you compare the two, and the better relationship is perhaps "required" to be SOOO AMAZINGLY GOOD to compensate for the previous crap relationship, that it just can't ever possibly live up to those expectations.

You're right about what you said about your ex having to lower her bar of expectations somewhat if she's ever going to be happy with someone. Yes, she will have to do this. She may not even consider it a problem at this point because SHE was the one who ended things, not you. If she had a partner who ended things because he couldn't take it anymore, then she may realise.

And you're right also about how frustrating and kind of anguishing it is to think that if she DOES improve, get help for her issues, change certain things, she'll be "primed" (for want of a better word) for a future relationship, but you can't help but feel that relationship should be with YOU. I know how you feel.

But you know what? She may NEVER really get to that point of being truly happy and satisfied in a relationship. She may always have these expectations. She seems to have those issues about her own self too, if she's got Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Often people with this disorder have unrealistic and overly high perfectionist-type expectations and standards for themselves, as well as other people, and nothing less than what those standards are is good enough. AND no amount of positive words or actions from anyone else can change that unfortunately.

No matter how many times you'd tell her she's beautiful, she would still probably see herself as not being so. She may eventually believe that YOU believe she's beautiful (and this would give her a certain amount of reassurance and confidence), but she'd still not see it herself or through other people's eyes who aren't in love with her.

Also, for someone who truly does not believe they're beautiful, to think that the person they love truly believes they're beautiful, sometimes this actually gets a bit twisted in their minds and they start to feel a slight lack of respect for that person who believes they're beautiful. It's hard to explain...I'm going to try to use a really silly analogy...

2 apples are in love. They are both nice and ripe, but 1 apple believes she's rotten and thus below the normal standard for an apple. The other apple only sees a lovely ripe and normal apple and constantly tells her so. The "rotten" apple is never able to change her opinion of herself but she does come to believe her normal apple partner sees her as beautiful, even despite her rottenness. But then, she starts to question and doubt her apple partner's sense and standards. His standards must be REALLY low for him to find ME, a rotten apple, appealing and beautiful! How can I respect him now? He has low standards!

Does that make ANY sense at all? lol

Edited February 28, 2013 by stevie_23

February 28, 2013

i have been seeing a counselor since about 1 month after it happened. i was beside myself when it all when down 5 months ago and so i sought out help for it. the sessions help while i'm there but soon after i leave it all comes back

Since you seem to be at a new stage, maybe ask around and try a second counsellor. Maybe a fresh approach will help keep the value of the session lasting longer than the session itself. ?

Hugs...

February 28, 2013

Try not to let others' opinions affect you negatively. Take advice and so-called words of wisdom, but take on board the parts that resonate with you. Try not to worry about the stuff that's irrelevant, like your sister saying you weren't married to your ex so you shouldn't have a reason to be so upset. That's just not important here. Married or not, doesn't make a difference to how you felt and how your relationship was.

And yeah, the death thing. It is WORSE than if they'd died, in a way, because they've CHOSEN to leave you. If your beloved dies, it's the worst thing in the world because they're not around anymore and will never be again, and on a more universal / selfless level, the world has lost a good person, BUT at least they didn't CHOOSE it. You're left alone but you knew they loved you to the end and that they'd still be with you if they could. But when they actually leave you VOLUNTARILY, in a specific way, it's worse because it hurts differently. You have the same hurt because they've left, but you also have a different hurt because they chose to do it.

Experiencing so many firsts with a partner...it's also very hard to let go of that, yeah. I've been there. My ex-MM was my first ever man. I feel like I've changed as a person due to this experience with him, and I don't know how to go backwards to who I used to be, but I also don't know how to go FORWARDS because so many of those changes that occurred in me happened with HIM and so...how do I continue being who I am NOW without him?? You sound like you both opened each other up to several things, and that's quite beautiful. You will always have that, even though the relationship didn't last.

And also, just because there WERE so many firsts you showed her and went through with her, it doesn't mean that the relationship would always have been so perfect and amazing. It doesn't mean you and her were always going to be compatible enough to make it work forever.

In a way (and this kinda sucks), being each other's first, or being your partner's first, it almost leaves that partner a bit more susceptible to changing more drastically as a person because they do change after experiencing "first time" events. It DOES bond them to you in a way, but they also grow and change from those experiences too, if that makes sense.

Also, you mentioned you both left your previous partners to be together. This could be a fairly important point. You said she was unhappy in that relationship? Do you know why? It may not be that relevant, but if she left an unhappy relationship to be with you...you may have been, in her eyes, some kind of savior or at least, a much better option. Moving from an unhappy relationship to a good relationship can sometimes skew your perceptions and thus expectations, because you compare the two, and the better relationship is perhaps "required" to be SOOO AMAZINGLY GOOD to compensate for the previous crap relationship, that it just can't ever possibly live up to those expectations.

You're right about what you said about your ex having to lower her bar of expectations somewhat if she's ever going to be happy with someone. Yes, she will have to do this. She may not even consider it a problem at this point because SHE was the one who ended things, not you. If she had a partner who ended things because he couldn't take it anymore, then she may realise.

And you're right also about how frustrating and kind of anguishing it is to think that if she DOES improve, get help for her issues, change certain things, she'll be "primed" (for want of a better word) for a future relationship, but you can't help but feel that relationship should be with YOU. I know how you feel.

But you know what? She may NEVER really get to that point of being truly happy and satisfied in a relationship. She may always have these expectations. She seems to have those issues about her own self too, if she's got Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Often people with this disorder have unrealistic and overly high perfectionist-type expectations and standards for themselves, as well as other people, and nothing less than what those standards are is good enough. AND no amount of positive words or actions from anyone else can change that unfortunately.

No matter how many times you'd tell her she's beautiful, she would still probably see herself as not being so. She may eventually believe that YOU believe she's beautiful (and this would give her a certain amount of reassurance and confidence), but she'd still not see it herself or through other people's eyes who aren't in love with her.

Also, for someone who truly does not believe they're beautiful, to think that the person they love truly believes they're beautiful, sometimes this actually gets a bit twisted in their minds and they start to feel a slight lack of respect for that person who believes they're beautiful. It's hard to explain...I'm going to try to use a really silly analogy...

2 apples are in love. They are both nice and ripe, but 1 apple believes she's rotten and thus below the normal standard for an apple. The other apple only sees a lovely ripe and normal apple and constantly tells her so. The "rotten" apple is never able to change her opinion of herself but she does come to believe her normal apple partner sees her as beautiful, even despite her rottenness. But then, she starts to question and doubt her apple partner's sense and standards. His standards must be REALLY low for him to find ME, a rotten apple, appealing and beautiful! How can I respect him now? He has low standards!

Does that make ANY sense at all? lol

the apple thing makes total sense!! never thought about it that way. i'm not sure if that was running thru her head but it could have subcon. IDK?

what is ex MM?

ok there is something that i think i should bring up that maybe you should know. the relationship that my ex got out of prior to me was with a girl. she dated this girl for almost 3 years but found that it did not work for her. now before that she had always dated men. when we first met and were talking i asked her if she was lesbian and she claimed that she was not and i believed her. she never could explain why she dated this girl. she stated that it was NOT a phase and that she was not confused. she just liked the girl for who she was. she was never in love with this girl. she never could explain really what the reasons were behind it. at first i was terrified that she might go back to wanting to be with another girl. i mean here is the woman of my dreams that i just met and was SUPER crazy about her and was willing to take a risk and start dating her. but i liked her SO much that i didn't care and i never really gave it much thought after a month or so. there were times when we would talk about this relationship but i NEVER judged her. i loved her for who she was. i never looked at her differently. i never thought of her any other way except for the woman i loved. she told me that she was VERY unhappy at the end and was out with a friend drinking and started to cry and stated to this friend that she wanted a mans touch. then i came alone and the rest is history. only one other person knows about this and that is my therapist. i never mentioned it to my family because i didn't want them to judge her or always be on the lookout for me fearful that she might "cross-over" again and really hurt me. to me i think it was just a phase that she was in and realized that being with another girl was not for her. i don't know. all i know is that i loved my ex for who she was. but sometimes i think about whether or not this had some effect on OUR relationship.

February 28, 2013

Hmm. Well, I think that everything we ever experience in our lives, and in particular with previous relationships, affects our future relationships. So yes, her relationship with that girl WOULD have affected her relationship with YOU in various ways.

So...she said she was never in love with this girl? And yet she stayed in a relationship with her for 3 years? That's...unusual. Why stay with someone for that long if you're not even in love with them?? Maybe she CAN'T be in love with another woman because she's not gay, but...I still find it odd then, that she'd bother being with this girl at all...you don't stay with someone for 3 years because you LIKE them, you know?

Maybe what she had with the girl was very different to what she had with you and she couldn't help comparing and sometimes what she had with you didn't stack up in her mind...

And yet maybe she also compared the 2 relationships and your's WAS much better than her relationship with the girl. And maybe in some way, she had been with this girl and then was unhappy so left her to be with you, a guy, and felt...like...maybe this was IT. Like everything was somehow riding on THIS relationship because she hadn't been able to find happiness with a woman, so...you were it. And then her too-high expectations and the pressure she put on you, and likely on herself too, were not able to be met.

I'm glad the apple scenario made sense. lol

Oh, and ex-MM = ex-married man (my most recent ex, the married man I was with for almost 2 years).

February 28, 2013

Hmm. Well, I think that everything we ever experience in our lives, and in particular with previous relationships, affects our future relationships. So yes, her relationship with that girl WOULD have affected her relationship with YOU in various ways.

So...she said she was never in love with this girl? And yet she stayed in a relationship with her for 3 years? That's...unusual. Why stay with someone for that long if you're not even in love with them?? Maybe she CAN'T be in love with another woman because she's not gay, but...I still find it odd then, that she'd bother being with this girl at all...you don't stay with someone for 3 years because you LIKE them, you know?

Maybe what she had with the girl was very different to what she had with you and she couldn't help comparing and sometimes what she had with you didn't stack up in her mind...

And yet maybe she also compared the 2 relationships and your's WAS much better than her relationship with the girl. And maybe in some way, she had been with this girl and then was unhappy so left her to be with you, a guy, and felt...like...maybe this was IT. Like everything was somehow riding on THIS relationship because she hadn't been able to find happiness with a woman, so...you were it. And then her too-high expectations and the pressure she put on you, and likely on herself too, were not able to be met.

I'm glad the apple scenario made sense. lol

Oh, and ex-MM = ex-married man (my most recent ex, the married man I was with for almost 2 years).

i figured in some way that her previous relationship did have some effect on US. i mean i thought about it and why she was with a girl but wasn't in love with that person. but also to not consider herself gay. maybe it was just a phase. but sometimes i just don't understand everything that happened. her ex was very butch. my ex was not. she was a little tom boyish, not girly girly (which i kinda find sexy) kinda like a danica patrick type person. very nice looking but slightly tom boyish. but anyways....i never doubted how she felt about the whole other relationship. i believed and still do believe what she told me. but she never did consider it a phase. she hated when people referred to it that way. but then on the other hand she could never really describe what it was all about. i didn't bust her chops about it. in he beginning for me i was just curious but also very cautious. over time she kinda became more girly and a bit athletic. IDK.....confusing????

i know for a fact that she was VERY unhappy with the girl for a long time before she BU with her. kinda like me my ex ex. we both stayed in it for some reason. a lot of people do it not sure why thought?? so on that note i know she was WAY happier with me than with her. as far as her not being in love with someone that long and not being in love.....well i've been there bf and i think you just get in that comfort zone and never progress to the next level for various reasons...one being that you really might not ever be in love with that person.

but what you said about comparing me to her ex makes lots of sense. this is getting DEEP!! lol i can see how someone would not be happy in any relationship and then move on to the next one hoping that they meet your VERY HIGH standards. i met it on numerous levels but it was never enough. but her obsession with 1000000000000% honesty is just too hard to live up to. there are just some things that don't need to be said. she DIDN'T need to know everything. i still consider myself an honest person. i just found myself protecting her feelings and trying to save face. she always stated that she wanted the truth no matter what no matter how much it was going to hurt her. well thats true. i would want the truth too. BUT she asked me once if i had ever thought about another person while we were having sex. TRICK QUESTION!!!!! door #1 .....lie about and get chewed out for it. OR door#2......tell the truth, get chewed out and have to deal with that for another year and a half. well she asked and i gave it to her......BIG MISTAKE. i told her that i had one stupid split second thought about a friend of mine. it was one of those crazy, don't think about the pink elephant, thoughts that people have. sometimes you can't control what the hell pops into your head. now if i was using that to "keep it up" then that would be one thing. but that was not the case here. i was TOTALLY so turned on by my ex. but the point her is that after i told her the TRUTH she used against me for the rest of the relationship. she said that she would never be able to get over it......almost like i had cheated on her. WTF??? IT. WAS. A. THOUGHT!! and to top it off, i told her the truth!! so tell me this, would you want to be honest with someone when they act like that?? so i had to tread so carefully. just crazy. i thought after telling her that thuth that maybe she would think twice about asking me another stupid insecure question. NOPE...that didn't work. only made it worse. not only had i lied to her in the past (i lied to her that i wasn't looking at porn) but now i can't be trusted because i had some silly stupid sexual thought about a friend, AND IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE. after that, having sex was like i had a spot light and i was going to be questioned afterwards. what's this NORTH KOREA??

about the porn thing, my ex was 10000000000% against porn and thats ok. she is entitled to her opinion about it. me i like it? its a guy thing. but after a while i gave it up for her b/c i saw how it was really effecting her and US. i wanted to show her just what she meant to me so i just stopped looking one day and did so for almost a year until we BU. but she ALWAYS questioned me on a weekly basis. questions like, "did you save ALL yourself for me?" (meaning eyes and man juice..sorry) huh? who asks that? really? but i felt like i had to report to her on a weekly basis. and god forbid if i saw a mag with a hot woman on the front and liked it. i felt like if i didn't report that then i was busted and in it so deep. the problem here was that no matter what i always told her that I LOVED HER and had NO desire to be with anyone else at all. but it never worked. the questions just kept coming.

but anyways, now you can see how i always felt under the gun. i should have just put my foot down and said ENOUGH is ENOUGH!! either you stop this or i'm outta here. but me being the nice guy and not wanting to lose her took it like a punching bag. lesson learned.....i guess.

February 28, 2013

Goodness ME. Demands. Questions. Expectations...

I feel like her questions and requirements for complete honesty were almost like she was on this constant quest for perfection. Like she was on this inner journey and you were the person in the "question chair", and every time she asked one of thse questions (either seemingly innocent or an obviously loaded question like the sex one, which I'll get to in a minute), it's almost like she was in some way WANTING a "wrong" answer...I'm not quite sure why that would be though. But at the same time, it seems like she was constantly looking for the "right" answer all the time, and ideally, maybe deep down in her subconscious mind, if she can find a person who DOES give the "right" answer EVERY SINGLE TIME, THEN she can be happy (except she still won't be. I can guarantee.)

In terms of the porn stuff. It's a guy thing to an extent, yes. My ex and I had a brief discussion about looking at porn once. It was brief because we lost interest due to the fact it's not an issue for either of us. I enjoy porn too actually. I go in waves though. Some weeks I'll get into it everyday and other weeks, nothing. Meh. No interest. But I don't tell my partner this because I'm not comfortable with it. We do share a lot, but not EVERYTHING. You do need SOMETHING for yourself. And the fact me and her haven't had sex for YEARS isn't related to the porn anyway.

But ok, your ex didn't like it. That's fine. For her. It's not a bad thing if you DO like it though, and as long as it doesn't mean you're looking at it instead of being with her (which of course you were not doing), it's really NOT a problem! It's fun, it's a release, it's a relaxer, it's exciting, all good things! Her issue with porn is HER issue, not your's.

Her question as to whether you had "saved" ALL of yourself for her, wow. Possessive!!!! See, to me, this is not much different from a girl waiting for their boyfriend to come home, and when he gets in the door, asking "Did you save ALL of yourself for me today?" meaning the boyfriend was expected not to SPEAK to anyone else, not to SHARE anything with anyone else, not to LAUGH with anyone else, not to use ANY energy at all, because if they talked to someone, laughed with someone, and were tired by the time they got home, this means that they have "wasted" some of what they SHOULD be giving to the girl. He has "spent" some of whatever it is she wants on OTHER people and activities instead of her. It's the same thing as the sex thing, it's just in your ex's case, it was only specific to sex (as far as I know.)

To me, asking that question of your partner is just SOO unreasonable that it seems like she was WAITING for you to "fail" in your answer. YES, I looked at a woman in the street, I'm SORRY! That sort of thing, you know? Ugh!

And in terms of her asking if you'd ever thought about someone else while having sex with her...why would she even ASK that!? Billions of things go through your head while having sex. And that's perfectly ok!!!! As long as you're not picturing another woman (or a man, or whoever!) and that's the ONLY way to "endure" sex with your partner, it's fine! And the fact you were honest...well, that's fine too. I don't see that as the problem here. I see the fact she would ask that in the first place and expect...whatever she expected...THAT'S the problem.

Maybe she just honestly didn't realise that by holding a gun to your partner's head for information and thoughts and feelings, and by trying to control their every thought and move so it suits you and your own deep seated insecurities and perceived inadequacies, it's just NEVER going to make EITHER of you happy!

Edited February 28, 2013 by stevie_23

February 28, 2013

Goodness ME. Demands. Questions. Expectations...

I feel like her questions and requirements for complete honesty were almost like she was on this constant quest for perfection. Like she was on this inner journey and you were the person in the "question chair", and every time she asked one of thse questions (either seemingly innocent or an obviously loaded question like the sex one, which I'll get to in a minute), it's almost like she was in some way WANTING a "wrong" answer...I'm not quite sure why that would be though. But at the same time, it seems like she was constantly looking for the "right" answer all the time, and ideally, maybe deep down in her subconscious mind, if she can find a person who DOES give the "right" answer EVERY SINGLE TIME, THEN she can be happy (except she still won't be. I can guarantee.)

In terms of the porn stuff. It's a guy thing to an extent, yes. My ex and I had a brief discussion about looking at porn once. It was brief because we lost interest due to the fact it's not an issue for either of us. I enjoy porn too actually. I go in waves though. Some weeks I'll get into it everyday and other weeks, nothing. Meh. No interest. But I don't tell my partner this because I'm not comfortable with it. We do share a lot, but not EVERYTHING. You do need SOMETHING for yourself. And the fact me and her haven't had sex for YEARS isn't related to the porn anyway.

But ok, your ex didn't like it. That's fine. For her. It's not a bad thing if you DO like it though, and as long as it doesn't mean you're looking at it instead of being with her (which of course you were not doing), it's really NOT a problem! It's fun, it's a release, it's a relaxer, it's exciting, all good things! Her issue with porn is HER issue, not your's.

Her question as to whether you had "saved" ALL of yourself for her, wow. Possessive!!!! See, to me, this is not much different from a girl waiting for their boyfriend to come home, and when he gets in the door, asking "Did you save ALL of yourself for me today?" meaning the boyfriend was expected not to SPEAK to anyone else, not to SHARE anything with anyone else, not to LAUGH with anyone else, not to use ANY energy at all, because if they talked to someone, laughed with someone, and were tired by the time they got home, this means that they have "wasted" some of what they SHOULD be giving to the girl. He has "spent" some of whatever it is she wants on OTHER people and activities instead of her. It's the same thing as the sex thing, it's just in your ex's case, it was only specific to sex (as far as I know.)

To me, asking that question of your partner is just SOO unreasonable that it seems like she was WAITING for you to "fail" in your answer. YES, I looked at a woman in the street, I'm SORRY! That sort of thing, you know? Ugh!

And in terms of her asking if you'd ever thought about someone else while having sex with her...why would she even ASK that!? Billions of things go through your head while having sex. And that's perfectly ok!!!! As long as you're not picturing another woman (or a man, or whoever!) and that's the ONLY way to "endure" sex with your partner, it's fine! And the fact you were honest...well, that's fine too. I don't see that as the problem here. I see the fact she would ask that in the first place and expect...whatever she expected...THAT'S the problem.

Maybe she just honestly didn't realise that by holding a gun to your partner's head for information and thoughts and feelings, and by trying to control their every thought and move so it suits you and your own deep seated insecurities and perceived inadequacies, it's just NEVER going to make EITHER of you happy!

i hear you. there were many times when i felt like i was in a NO WIN situation no matter which way i answered. kinda like a damn if you, damned if you don't type scenario. i mean any normal person would have all sorts of things going thru their minds and when you ask me a question that you already know is not going to make you happy, then why ask it. it sets me up for failure right off the bat.

the thing about porn thing had many levels for her. first, she felt like i was cheating on her in a way. WRONG. second, she felt like i was comparing those girls to here. WRONG. third, she also stated that i was thinking about them during sex rather than her. again WRONG. fourth, she felt that it hindered my performance. no thats RIGHT. she was right on that part because i was able to perform better and also it felt much better that i waited to be with her. but the other stuff was sooo off base that it would drive me crazy. no matter what i said never made a difference. but she finally caved but i could tell that she was not happy that i did look. i told her i would tone it down. that didn't help. then i finally just gave up the fight. you see the problem is that i didn't live with my ex and she lived about an hour away. so i only got to see her on wed nights (stay at her place) and on the weekends (staying there for the weekend) so naturally i'm going to need a release from time to time, if you know what i mean. i didn't look b/c i preferred porn over her. sex with my ex was the best in my life EVER. hands down!! hell....just looking at her put me in the mood. but i promised her that i would NEVER look at it at her place and never bring it into her place if we ever decided to make that move (which as we know now never happened) but held up my end of the deal. for me, what i did on my own time was my own business. but giving it up was even enough. oh well. GRRRRR.....

as for the saving myself deal, i get the same response from EVERYONE i talk to. they're like HUH? yeah....like i have 13 heads. but you're right. it's totally "possessive". it drove me nuts b/c i didn't know what my boundaries were and i didn't dare ask either. it never seemed to matter to her that it was ok to look at a sexy woman on the front of a mag and think of her sexually. i mean why on earth do they put these woman on mags anyways. for the hell of it. no, b/c they know its going to catch the attn of many people, mostly men. so i can't walk around and see that woman on that mag and think, wow, that woman is super ugly. huh? she always said that she knew that i would see things. she just didn't want me to think of them in a sexual way. well i don't know about you, but thats super hard to do. i mean i'm not going to excuse myself and go pop one off in the bathroom of my local target. i'm not that hard up. if anything that should help her because it make me even more in the mood for her and only her. just crazy!!

again when i tell people about the whole situation with me telling her about me having a thought about my friend and her getting upset, they look at me and scratch their heads. its one thing to have to use that to be able to enjoy the moment. that was NEVER the case and i told her that a million times. it was just a fleeting thought that popped into my head and left just as fast. but asking me that was soooo wrong on so many levels and WHY would you want to know something like that? i wouldn't want to know that she was thinking about some other guy and even if she did i could care less. (unless she was obsessing ever the person) all i cared about was that she loved me and didn't really want to be with that other person.

as you can tell from many of our chats, most of the issues my ex had were sexual in nature. i'm a very sexual person. she was not but could be at times. she was much more reserved about all that stuff and i was ok with that. but there were times when i would wait all week and then get over to her place and she would act like she was not the interested one bit and if she was "I" almost always had to make the first move. i just don't get it.

but holding a gun to your head is not always the best way to get someone to be honest with you. the real kicker her is that she admitted AFTER the BU that she realizes now that she didn't make it easier for me to come to her about something. you know how hurt i was when she said that? AFTER THE BU??? now you tell me this? how annoying is that? i was so mad that she didn't try to work on that when we were together. i like to be honest with people BUT not when they are going to interrogate me. who on earth would ever want to be honest with someone when they have to go thru that crap. so it got worst and worse until the bubble popped in late Sept......BU day

i really hate my life right now. i really, really do. i have other things going on now b/c of all this stress that i'm having. things that are causing me even more and more stress.

February 28, 2013

Goodness ME. Demands. Questions. Expectations...

I feel like her questions and requirements for complete honesty were almost like she was on this constant quest for perfection. Like she was on this inner journey and you were the person in the "question chair", and every time she asked one of thse questions (either seemingly innocent or an obviously loaded question like the sex one, which I'll get to in a minute), it's almost like she was in some way WANTING a "wrong" answer...I'm not quite sure why that would be though. But at the same time, it seems like she was constantly looking for the "right" answer all the time, and ideally, maybe deep down in her subconscious mind, if she can find a person who DOES give the "right" answer EVERY SINGLE TIME, THEN she can be happy (except she still won't be. I can guarantee.)

In terms of the porn stuff. It's a guy thing to an extent, yes. My ex and I had a brief discussion about looking at porn once. It was brief because we lost interest due to the fact it's not an issue for either of us. I enjoy porn too actually. I go in waves though. Some weeks I'll get into it everyday and other weeks, nothing. Meh. No interest. But I don't tell my partner this because I'm not comfortable with it. We do share a lot, but not EVERYTHING. You do need SOMETHING for yourself. And the fact me and her haven't had sex for YEARS isn't related to the porn anyway.

But ok, your ex didn't like it. That's fine. For her. It's not a bad thing if you DO like it though, and as long as it doesn't mean you're looking at it instead of being with her (which of course you were not doing), it's really NOT a problem! It's fun, it's a release, it's a relaxer, it's exciting, all good things! Her issue with porn is HER issue, not your's.

Her question as to whether you had "saved" ALL of yourself for her, wow. Possessive!!!! See, to me, this is not much different from a girl waiting for their boyfriend to come home, and when he gets in the door, asking "Did you save ALL of yourself for me today?" meaning the boyfriend was expected not to SPEAK to anyone else, not to SHARE anything with anyone else, not to LAUGH with anyone else, not to use ANY energy at all, because if they talked to someone, laughed with someone, and were tired by the time they got home, this means that they have "wasted" some of what they SHOULD be giving to the girl. He has "spent" some of whatever it is she wants on OTHER people and activities instead of her. It's the same thing as the sex thing, it's just in your ex's case, it was only specific to sex (as far as I know.)

To me, asking that question of your partner is just SOO unreasonable that it seems like she was WAITING for you to "fail" in your answer. YES, I looked at a woman in the street, I'm SORRY! That sort of thing, you know? Ugh!

And in terms of her asking if you'd ever thought about someone else while having sex with her...why would she even ASK that!? Billions of things go through your head while having sex. And that's perfectly ok!!!! As long as you're not picturing another woman (or a man, or whoever!) and that's the ONLY way to "endure" sex with your partner, it's fine! And the fact you were honest...well, that's fine too. I don't see that as the problem here. I see the fact she would ask that in the first place and expect...whatever she expected...THAT'S the problem.

Maybe she just honestly didn't realise that by holding a gun to your partner's head for information and thoughts and feelings, and by trying to control their every thought and move so it suits you and your own deep seated insecurities and perceived inadequacies, it's just NEVER going to make EITHER of you happy!

can i ask you where you live? i live in tampa, floirda. just wondering, nothing more

March 1, 2013

I'm alllll the way over in Australia. This is why my ex-married man and I never got to meet, cause he's in New Jersey. Much closer to you. *sigh* I've got a friend who lives in Jacksonville and one who's near Tampa.

Anyway, soo yeah...the porn thing. Yes, they do put sexy women on magazine covers so people (mostly men, because most men in the world are heterosexual and so like women sexually, and most women like men sexually. Some lesbians do buy those men's magazines though, I know this from experience through some of my lesbian friends) will look at them and maybe buy them. For fantasy. Release. Just...FUN! It doesn't usually MEAN anything. If a man has a real problem with porn, it is generally because...

1. They are not happy in their relationship and THAT is why the sexual side may be suffering and they may prefer porn over the real life partner (not you).

2. They have a sex addiction and literally cannot control themselves (again, not you. I had to laugh when you said it's not like you look at these magazine covers and then go into the bathrooms at Target to relieve yourself, LOL)

3. They have been single for a while, get used to ONLY associating sexual feelings with solo fun and porn, the fantasy aspect, not with a real woman, and when they get into a relationship, they may still be used to that pattern of sexual expression and association so they have a bit of a problem changing it.

4. If the woman has HUGE issues with ANY kind of porn interest. This is not the man's problem, but often the woman feels like their very strong views are not being heard or respected because the man doesn't change or seems to "belittle" the woman's attitude because the man honeslty doesn't see a problem.

So yeah. And yeah, her issues do seem to relate to sexual matters. I'm not sure why that is. Sex lives do tend to be quite different with men and with women. I wonder what her sex life was like with her girlfriend before she got together with you...

So you only saw her on Wednesday nights and weekends? (that's actually exactly what my partner and I were like before we moved in together. Wednesday nights after work we'd get dinner, play some pool or go roller blading, and on weekends we'd stay over at her place and do whatever) So of COURSE you're going to be doing stuff ("solo fun" as I call it) at some points during the week. MOST people do this! Some people do it every DAY and that's normal and natural for them, even when they're in a relationship, and even if they LIVE with their partner! It's a totally different THING to having sex with someone you're in a relationship with. It isn't taking anything FROM the relationship or the person you're with. It's just...a different thing. I get it. But many women do NOT. And even many MEN do not. They get threatened if their woman has a vibrator and uses it when he's not around. I guess I can sort of understand that in a way, but if there're no issues in the actual bedroom, then it's really not a problem, and it's completely normal.

So sometimes you'd wait all week to see her and then she wouldn't even be in the mood? Ok, this is VERY frustrating. NOT because she wasn't in the mood. That's not her fault and it happens and that's got to be ok between you, HOWEVER she just cannot expect you to NEVER express anything sexually by yourself or do anything remotely sexual without her. That's just unreasonable and unrealistic, and it just makes it MORE SO that when you DID see her, that she wasn't willing to be with you in that way sometimes.

She sounds VERY insecure. VERY easily threatened by things. And thus VERY controlling and posessive. And those things generally mean she's scared. Scared in general. Scared to let you be free. Scared to let you do anything that may hurt her (inadvertently) or that would result in you one day leaving her (if you don't find her attractive, if you "waste" your whatever sexually when you "should" be saving it all for her, if you "prefer" other porn women to her, all of this stuff that's not even the case). She seemed to feel she HAD to keep you completely under her thumb and restrict and regulate all your actions and thoughts or else...something bad would happen.

And yes, HOW frustrating that she acknowledged she expected way too much AFTER you broke up! But see...that makes sense though. After a BU, you do a LOT of thinking. Both the dumper and the dumpee do this. And she may have just realised how she was behaving was just impossible. A lot of the time after you're not together anymore, you can see things a bit more clearly because now you're not directly IMPACTED by whatever fears or threats you perceived during the relationship. It's already over, so...you and her can now realise more fully certain things about how you and she acted during the relationship.

Also, just because she did realise that stuff AFTER the BU doesn't mean she didn't maybe try during to change it, and it doesn't mean that she was even ABLE to change during the relationship, and it ALSO doesn't mean she is able to change NOW either. Just because she acknowledged it doesn't mean it's fixed and if you got back together, she'd be different. I acknowledge a HELL of a lot about myself all the time. I'm very self aware. And yet I have huge problems actually LIVING according to what I know of myself.

Edited March 1, 2013 by stevie_23

March 1, 2013

OMG. You know what? I JUST realised that you aren't who I thought you were!!! lol.

There's someone who posts in the "Other Woman / Other Man" section of this forum called Hockeyfan who I THOUGHT was you! I was initially a bit surprised you were a guy as I had thought you were a woman, based on those posts in that other section, AND this other poster doesn't like me at all and so I was also surprised when you DID seem to like what I had to say in this thread!

And NOW I see you're NOT the same person. Boy, I can be dumb sometimes! lol (just in case you were confused when I said we'd had a run-in and issues in another thread but I put those aside to post my comments in THIS thread...you must've been thinking, What? I've never met her before in my life! lol)

March 1, 2013

I'm alllll the way over in Australia. This is why my ex-married man and I never got to meet, cause he's in New Jersey. Much closer to you. *sigh* I've got a friend who lives in Jacksonville and one who's near Tampa.

Anyway, soo yeah...the porn thing. Yes, they do put sexy women on magazine covers so people (mostly men, because most men in the world are heterosexual and so like women sexually, and most women like men sexually. Some lesbians do buy those men's magazines though, I know this from experience through some of my lesbian friends) will look at them and maybe buy them. For fantasy. Release. Just...FUN! It doesn't usually MEAN anything. If a man has a real problem with porn, it is generally because...

1. They are not happy in their relationship and THAT is why the sexual side may be suffering and they may prefer porn over the real life partner (not you).

2. They have a sex addiction and literally cannot control themselves (again, not you. I had to laugh when you said it's not like you look at these magazine covers and then go into the bathrooms at Target to relieve yourself, LOL)

3. They have been single for a while, get used to ONLY associating sexual feelings with solo fun and porn, the fantasy aspect, not with a real woman, and when they get into a relationship, they may still be used to that pattern of sexual expression and association so they have a bit of a problem changing it.

4. If the woman has HUGE issues with ANY kind of porn interest. This is not the man's problem, but often the woman feels like their very strong views are not being heard or respected because the man doesn't change or seems to "belittle" the woman's attitude because the man honeslty doesn't see a problem.

So yeah. And yeah, her issues do seem to relate to sexual matters. I'm not sure why that is. Sex lives do tend to be quite different with men and with women. I wonder what her sex life was like with her girlfriend before she got together with you...

So you only saw her on Wednesday nights and weekends? (that's actually exactly what my partner and I were like before we moved in together. Wednesday nights after work we'd get dinner, play some pool or go roller blading, and on weekends we'd stay over at her place and do whatever) So of COURSE you're going to be doing stuff ("solo fun" as I call it) at some points during the week. MOST people do this! Some people do it every DAY and that's normal and natural for them, even when they're in a relationship, and even if they LIVE with their partner! It's a totally different THING to having sex with someone you're in a relationship with. It isn't taking anything FROM the relationship or the person you're with. It's just...a different thing. I get it. But many women do NOT. And even many MEN do not. They get threatened if their woman has a vibrator and uses it when he's not around. I guess I can sort of understand that in a way, but if there're no issues in the actual bedroom, then it's really not a problem, and it's completely normal.

So sometimes you'd wait all week to see her and then she wouldn't even be in the mood? Ok, this is VERY frustrating. NOT because she wasn't in the mood. That's not her fault and it happens and that's got to be ok between you, HOWEVER she just cannot expect you to NEVER express anything sexually by yourself or do anything remotely sexual without her. That's just unreasonable and unrealistic, and it just makes it MORE SO that when you DID see her, that she wasn't willing to be with you in that way sometimes.

She sounds VERY insecure. VERY easily threatened by things. And thus VERY controlling and posessive. And those things generally mean she's scared. Scared in general. Scared to let you be free. Scared to let you do anything that may hurt her (inadvertently) or that would result in you one day leaving her (if you don't find her attractive, if you "waste" your whatever sexually when you "should" be saving it all for her, if you "prefer" other porn women to her, all of this stuff that's not even the case). She seemed to feel she HAD to keep you completely under her thumb and restrict and regulate all your actions and thoughts or else...something bad would happen.

And yes, HOW frustrating that she acknowledged she expected way too much AFTER you broke up! But see...that makes sense though. After a BU, you do a LOT of thinking. Both the dumper and the dumpee do this. And she may have just realised how she was behaving was just impossible. A lot of the time after you're not together anymore, you can see things a bit more clearly because now you're not directly IMPACTED by whatever fears or threats you perceived during the relationship. It's already over, so...you and her can now realise more fully certain things about how you and she acted during the relationship.

Also, just because she did realise that stuff AFTER the BU doesn't mean she didn't maybe try during to change it, and it doesn't mean that she was even ABLE to change during the relationship, and it ALSO doesn't mean she is able to change NOW either. Just because she acknowledged it doesn't mean it's fixed and if you got back together, she'd be different. I acknowledge a HELL of a lot about myself all the time. I'm very self aware. And yet I have huge problems actually LIVING according to what I know of myself.

WOWOWOW. you are so far away. i never imagined in a million years that i was chatting with someone halfway around the world. internet is so sweet. i think its so cool that you live there. i give anything to go on a vaca there. think about it all the time. been traveling a lot and that is one place i have considered BUT that would be a bit expensive mate

sex sells. we all know that. no matter where you look, there it is. so living in a world like this you would think that someone, such as much my ex, would be more open to the fact that its there and be more accepting of it. BUUUUUT that didn't happen. but thats ok. she has a right to feel that way. somehow i should have seen the signs but love overcomes you and you tend to look past certain things. i don't regret it but i should have prepared myself for what was to come. but how was i to know. i had never met anyone like my ex. IDK.

1. so right. NEVER preferred porn over my ex. in fact it was the complete opposite. if i could have been with my ex everyday i would have. twice a day....8 days a week. LOL

2. i can see how that i could be a problem. i like porn but again i never thought about it when i was with my ex. all i could think was being with her. well i thought about other things too LOL. but in terms of sex i didn't sit there and think up a huge porn scene in my head in front of her.

3. now i have to admit that i was single for about 8 years once (i know, sad) and yes i looked at a lot of porn during that time. and there was prob a time when i was somewhat addicted to it "BUT" it was never like that with jenni. when i was with her sexually i was totally satisfied and didn't need porn. but again, when i only got to see her 3 days out of the week i needed some sot of release. but my TONS of porn days were long gone b/f i met my ex. i was at regular porn levels when we met. lol

4. now that point is a little like me except for the belittle part. i felt that since we were not living together and i wasn't addicted that i had a right to do what i wanted in the privacy of my room away from her. she HATED everything that porn stood for. she even tried to watch it herself to try to understand what all the hype was about and maybe she wouldn't be so hard on me. but she still hated it. but i was totally ok with that. i told her that she didn't need to make herself like it. its either you do or you don't. for me it was just a release and nothing more.

as far as her sex life with her ex....she didn't talk about it much. i think i asked her a few times about what actually happened but she didn't go into great detail. but i know there were no toys involved, thats for sure. lol just saying b/c that was another thing she was totally against. i don't know why.

i understand what you're saying in terms of realizing her faults after the BU. but its still sooooo annoying. thats the part that makes me the most mad. i put SO MUCH heart and soul into this relationship and then she figures everything out afterwards? i think she knew but felt that the damage was already done so what was the point of trying to fix it in the end. THAT SUCKS!! i would have done ANYTHING to help her. ANYTHING!! but i never got the chance. i thought i was going to about 2 weeks ago but all the sudden the rug was pulled out from under my feet.

on that note, i went for a ride this evening to the beach to walk around and try to clear my head and have a beer. well afterwards i got into my car and was sitting there (sober) and i saw a notepad in my center console. and on this notepad was a message that said "i miss you". she left that after we had dinner one night about a month or so ago. of course i started to cry because (1) it was from her and it made me sad AND (2) because i felt like she led me on (not knowing) and that pissed me off. i still have the note. i should throw it away but i don't want to. i've been doing that a lot lately and its too depressing when you get rid of everything all at once, even though everyone says you should do that.

you know there was one thing that i thought of that used to drive me insane and confirm that my ex had real issues. well as you know i like women. thats a given. but if we went to a movie and it had a sex scene in it, LOOK OUT!! OR OR OR. get this. if there was an actress that i liked, such as emma stone (hot) we couldn't go that movie. HUH? ok back to the first part. if there was a sex scene it doesn't mean that i'm totally getting off on it. but i wasn't allowed to enjoy it. why on earth do they put those scenes in movies? for our health? no they put it in there b/c people in general like sex....sex sells. but me knowing how she felt about that made me evaluate the movie b/f we went to make sure nothing like that was going to pop up. and if it did, god forbid i like it in someway or another. i told her SO MANY TIMES that my weiner has a mind of its own and i CANNOT control the fact that i liked what i saw. so you can imagine how that made me feel. on the second part about the actress.....SO WHAT if there is an actress in the movie that i might have the hots for. first of all, i'm NEVER going to meet this person and if i ever did do you think they would want to date in the peasant section of life?? NO. why is megan fox in transformers? not b/c she is an avid robot fan. she's in it so it will draw a larger number of people to the movies. but whats so wrong with that? it adds something to the movie even if she can't act worth a damn. BUT again i'm certainly not going to go call up megan for some hot date and possible sex afterwards. i mean if there was some hot guy on the big screen that she really was into and getting all hot and bother b/c of it and later attacked me.....well then i think i would have to find his number and give him a call to thank him for what he did to my g/f. LOL but to me i could care less if she was dreaming about going down on some hot actor. as long as she hooks up with me later, i'm all for that. but my ex was never liked that. she acted like i was ready to jerk off in the movie theater at the sight of emma stone. AHHH i have a little more control than that my dear. we got into a HUGE fight one night after a movie had a sex scene in it. "girl with the dragon tattoo" she asked me if i was hard during that scene and i know for a fact that i wasn't but i still enjoyed it. she was totally against that and felt that it was SO WRONG for me to feel that way while sitting next to her. WTF?? i should have just covered my eyes. from that moment on two things happened. (1) i stopped looking at porn AND (2) going to see a movie was never the same. it was a gamble when we went and it made me feel so odd. so weird......

well i think i'm going to hit the hay bu b/f i do i think i going to go make myself a vegemite sandwich. NOPE!! don't think so. do you like that stuff? i worked with a friend from your neck of the woods and i asked her to bring in some of that so i could see what it was all about. i thought i was going to be sick when she opened the jar. OMG

oh and by the way.......i LOVE the info that you give unlike the other "woman" LOL. you have been the best. in fact i can't wait to hear your replies b/c they make so much sense and i can see it from a woman's perspective. i was telling a co-worker today about our chats and how explain everything to me so clearly.

again, thanks a bunch

March 1, 2013

OMG. You know what? I JUST realised that you aren't who I thought you were!!! lol.

There's someone who posts in the "Other Woman / Other Man" section of this forum called Hockeyfan who I THOUGHT was you! I was initially a bit surprised you were a guy as I had thought you were a woman, based on those posts in that other section, AND this other poster doesn't like me at all and so I was also surprised when you DID seem to like what I had to say in this thread!

And NOW I see you're NOT the same person. Boy, I can be dumb sometimes! lol (just in case you were confused when I said we'd had a run-in and issues in another thread but I put those aside to post my comments in THIS thread...you must've been thinking, What? I've never met her before in my life! lol)

:) no worries :)

March 1, 2013

Aww, I'm SO glad my words are making some sense and hopefully helping you a little to get your head around this unpleasant and difficult experience.

I'm going out for dinner soon but will come back and write more later.

March 3, 2013

the hardest thing for me right now is that i'm going thru some really bad times in general and when i felt like this i always turned to my ex for help. she always seemed to calm me down or have me look at things in a way that were more positive so could manage them better. but i can't call her and its so hard. i miss her SOOOOOO much and think about her SOOOOOO much. i just want to pick up the phone and call her but i know that would set me back and just cause me more heartbreak. but i can't help myself. the last few days i've been looking at her FB page. i know that i shouldn't be doing that but its really the only way i can see her. i gotta stop b/c one day i'm going to look and there is gonna be some guy on there and its going to rip out my heart. i just really miss soooooo FN much right now

March 4, 2013

You know what? When my ex first left me, I was scared. Scared of everything. Scared to walk down the street alone (when I used to feel he was with me all the time, even when he was so far away – we were long distance, as I think I mentioned). Scared to get sick, even just a cold, because he wouldn’t be there to take care of me (at that distance of course), wouldn’t be there to protect me in that particular way, to comfort me.

I feel like for me, I was partly able to develop feelings for someone outside my long term relationship because my life prior to getting together with him was not the happiest. Financial stress (major), trying to sell our apartment (for over a year now), unhappiness with where I live, job issues, not in love with my partner anymore but hadn’t previously wanted to admit it to myself, etc. So when he came along, it was a major comfort, and also a distraction.

When he was still with me, and something EXTRA stressful came up in my life, I leaned on him. He was always there. But sometimes he couldn’t be there, and I remember feeling worried, like how would I get through this without him? And then when he REALLY left me and we broke up, I was just…so vulnerable and I felt SO alone, it was terrible. Nowadays I’m more used to getting through things without him there, but…you know…it still sucks.

I know how you feel. I was remembering the good times with my ex and god, I miss those times SO DAMN MUCH.

March 4, 2013

You know what? When my ex first left me, I was scared. Scared of everything. Scared to walk down the street alone (when I used to feel he was with me all the time, even when he was so far away – we were long distance, as I think I mentioned). Scared to get sick, even just a cold, because he wouldn’t be there to take care of me (at that distance of course), wouldn’t be there to protect me in that particular way, to comfort me.

I feel like for me, I was partly able to develop feelings for someone outside my long term relationship because my life prior to getting together with him was not the happiest. Financial stress (major), trying to sell our apartment (for over a year now), unhappiness with where I live, job issues, not in love with my partner anymore but hadn’t previously wanted to admit it to myself, etc. So when he came along, it was a major comfort, and also a distraction.

When he was still with me, and something EXTRA stressful came up in my life, I leaned on him. He was always there. But sometimes he couldn’t be there, and I remember feeling worried, like how would I get through this without him? And then when he REALLY left me and we broke up, I was just…so vulnerable and I felt SO alone, it was terrible. Nowadays I’m more used to getting through things without him there, but…you know…it still sucks.

I know how you feel. I was remembering the good times with my ex and god, I miss those times SO DAMN MUCH.

i'm glad i'm no the only person to feel this way. i do feel scared a lot of the time. aside from all her issues might have had she just had the BIGGEST HEART in the world and was always looking out for me. she would remind me to eat better. or she would bring me back down when i would angry. i take meds and she was always looking over me to make sure that i took them and not to take too much (i take xanax). but she was ans is still a very caring person. after we broke up she still looked out for me. she knew that i was really hurt but she always listened to me and felt my pain. she was just a great person and even know it didn't work out, meeting my ex is still one of the best things to ever happen to me.

i too miss all the good times. for x-mas 2 years ago, i bought us both annual DISNEY passes so we could go whenever we wanted. we has SOOO MUCH fun there. going there will never be the same for me. we loved going even if it was just to walk around and not go on any rides. we just enjoyed the times together. that was our fav thing to do. it was sad when i had to cancel her pass. i hated doing it.

but my ex opened up a side of me that i never could get out. i'm 41 and it took me 38 years to get up the nerve to tell someone that i loved them. she made me feel comfortable telling her that i loved her. she showed me how to be a more caring person wen it came to the family. she knew that my 13 yr old niece is the most important person in my life and she always made sure that i was spending enough time with my niece. she just showed me even more just important your family is.

but she always had my back too. if i wanted to p\apply for a new job and was scared, she would always have comforting words to say to calm me down a bit. she just always had a way of looking at things in a different light. looking at things not in a negative way.

i too was like you before i met my ex. i was not happy with my life one bit. i was in a horrible relationship. i was always stressed out. i just really didn't like the way my life was going. but from the moment i met her my life change in an instant. my life had real meaning. i felt alive. i felt so good around her. i felt wonderful telling just how much i loved her. i just felt loved........but not i don't. i feel so alone and full of regret.

i was talking to my mom tonight and i said to her that the hardest part of all this NC is just wondering if she is ok. who is she with?

i just miss her terribly......

March 4, 2013

It’s hard being on your own after having that feeling of being taken care of by this particular person.

I think she is ok. She will still be adjusting to this new life also, but she is ok. Try not to worry about that. As hard as it is to hear, it’s no longer your place or responsibility to worry about her, or her you. That doesn’t mean neither of you will worry, and it also doesn’t mean neither of you will not wish for things to be different, but sometimes people just have to go their own way.

It sounds like she had many lovely characteristics and treated you well in many ways, but that also doesn’t mean the relationship was the best for either of you. You know it wasn’t.

It’s hard to get a bit of balance between remembering and appreciating and one day being able to enjoy the good times, but not longing terribly for them so it hurts you and you can’t move on. And also finding a balance between keeping in mind the bad parts and the aspects that showed you why the relationship didn’t continue, but not holding onto any anger or blaming yourself for the end.

March 4, 2013

It’s hard being on your own after having that feeling of being taken care of by this particular person.

I think she is ok. She will still be adjusting to this new life also, but she is ok. Try not to worry about that. As hard as it is to hear, it’s no longer your place or responsibility to worry about her, or her you. That doesn’t mean neither of you will worry, and it also doesn’t mean neither of you will not wish for things to be different, but sometimes people just have to go their own way.

It sounds like she had many lovely characteristics and treated you well in many ways, but that also doesn’t mean the relationship was the best for either of you. You know it wasn’t.

It’s hard to get a bit of balance between remembering and appreciating and one day being able to enjoy the good times, but not longing terribly for them so it hurts you and you can’t move on. And also finding a balance between keeping in mind the bad parts and the aspects that showed you why the relationship didn’t continue, but not holding onto any anger or blaming yourself for the end.

i know. for me, i'm ALWAYS wondering if she is still thinking about me or have i been forgotten already and replaced with a new guy on her mind. it scares me and makes me so sad to think about that. it really does. sometimes i break down b/c i just can't take the paining of knowing that i'm forgotten all together. thats really hard to take. i know its go to happen one day but i makes me so sad to think about it. i know that she will ALWAYS be on my mind even after i move on thats for sure. but i just don't know how it will be for her.

the balance thing is SO hard for me right now. my mind is totally consumed with thoughts about her good and bad. i try to keep myself busy but as soon as my mind has an open spot all those thoughts of her rush back in. i was out at a casino last night having a good time and trying to just take a break from all the thoughts about her. i was doing good and then right in the middle of the playing a game i started to think about her and totally forgot that i was playing the game. its like i just go off into a trance about her. so that sucked.

i feel so UNWANTED and UNLOVED right now. i know we didn't work out but thats just how i feel. i feel like a stray pet. i'm just so lost right now. my anxiety level is thru the roof. i wake up in the mornings lately and i'm jettery and nervous just b/c. i hate it. i hate it b/c when i used to feel this way i could call her or if i was with her i could get a hug or lay behind her and just hold onto her.

i'm on our spring break from work this week and i can just see it being a really crappy week for me.

i hope all this gets better fast......

March 5, 2013

See…the thing about you letting it be very important to you if she is thinking about your or missing you is…understandable, but it doesn’t CHANGE anything. If she’s thinking about you and missing you, that still doesn’t mean she will want to be in a relationship with you again. And it shouldn’t mean that you would be in one with her anymore either. If she’s missing you and sad about things, all this would do for you would provide a bit of comfort because then you’re not quite as alone in your own feelings, if she’s feeling the same way. Also, it shows if she’s upset, that she really did love you and value the relationship as you did, and that provides some comfort too. But as I said, it doesn’t change the situation.

Also, if she HAS moved on, that doesn’t have to be the horrible heartache inducing thing that it usually is. It doesn’t take away from what you had, from her feelings for you, and again, it doesn’t change your situation.

I honestly don’t think you will EVER be forgotten. You were her first in a lot of ways. You meant a LOT to her. You will always be in her heart.

You are NOT unwanted or unloved. The love she had for you is SEPARATE from the success of the relationship and the ability of the relationship to continue happily. Just because a relationship ends does NOT mean either person in the relationship is unwanted or unloved. I SO know how you feel though of course. When my ex left me, I felt HIDEOUS. Unloved, unwanted, unworthy. I had issues even looking at my own reflection in the mirror.

I found it a bit helpful to project my feelings onto someone else, a random stranger. Like, I’d see a girl walking along who looked a bit sad, and I imagined she’d just been left by her boyfriend. I then asked myself, knowing this information, if I now viewed her as somehow LESS…like because their relationship hadn’t worked out, whether I now saw her as unlovable or unworthy somehow. And of course, the answer was NO WAY! SHE is unchanged. She is hurt and sad and perhaps confused and regretful, but she is NOT different in terms of herself or her own good points and her worth as a person and a partner. Her boyfriend’s actions are HIS alone. And because he left her, does not automatically mean he does not love her. It’s just that sometimes relationships just are not able to make both people happy enough for the relationship to continue.

I know it’s hard to believe this.

March 5, 2013

See…the thing about you letting it be very important to you if she is thinking about your or missing you is…understandable, but it doesn’t CHANGE anything. If she’s thinking about you and missing you, that still doesn’t mean she will want to be in a relationship with you again. And it shouldn’t mean that you would be in one with her anymore either. If she’s missing you and sad about things, all this would do for you would provide a bit of comfort because then you’re not quite as alone in your own feelings, if she’s feeling the same way. Also, it shows if she’s upset, that she really did love you and value the relationship as you did, and that provides some comfort too. But as I said, it doesn’t change the situation.

Also, if she HAS moved on, that doesn’t have to be the horrible heartache inducing thing that it usually is. It doesn’t take away from what you had, from her feelings for you, and again, it doesn’t change your situation.

I honestly don’t think you will EVER be forgotten. You were her first in a lot of ways. You meant a LOT to her. You will always be in her heart.

You are NOT unwanted or unloved. The love she had for you is SEPARATE from the success of the relationship and the ability of the relationship to continue happily. Just because a relationship ends does NOT mean either person in the relationship is unwanted or unloved. I SO know how you feel though of course. When my ex left me, I felt HIDEOUS. Unloved, unwanted, unworthy. I had issues even looking at my own reflection in the mirror.

I found it a bit helpful to project my feelings onto someone else, a random stranger. Like, I’d see a girl walking along who looked a bit sad, and I imagined she’d just been left by her boyfriend. I then asked myself, knowing this information, if I now viewed her as somehow LESS…like because their relationship hadn’t worked out, whether I now saw her as unlovable or unworthy somehow. And of course, the answer was NO WAY! SHE is unchanged. She is hurt and sad and perhaps confused and regretful, but she is NOT different in terms of herself or her own good points and her worth as a person and a partner. Her boyfriend’s actions are HIS alone. And because he left her, does not automatically mean he does not love her. It’s just that sometimes relationships just are not able to make both people happy enough for the relationship to continue.

I know it’s hard to believe this.

so basically what you're saying is that no matter how i feel or the way she feels, nothing is going to change the fact that the relationship is over and will never become reality again. for me i think i would like to know if she still thinks about me, just because, i don't know why. maybe it would confirm that she really did love me as much as i thought she did. i do think she still thinks about me every day. if she didn't i would be kinda shocked. but its such an awful feeling to be forgotten about. i KNOW that i will NEVER forget her and there will always be a place for her in my heart but there also i huge scar in there too.

feeling the unwanted and unloved thing just sucks. lately i have been putting myself out there to mingle a little bit but it seems like NOBODY notices me at all. i don't know if i'm trying to hard or if i'm just so aware of everyone around me. buy i never get second looks from girls and it just sucks. i mean i'm not ugly. i think i'm a fairly nice looking guy. i'm no hugh jackman but i still have so much to give someone. maybe, well i know, that i'm not ready at all for another relationship. i think for me, i'm just looking for someone new to hang out with and have some fun. nothing serious. but i'm having a hell of a time meeting people. again......maybe i'm just trying too hard. i think i'm reaching to feel liked again. IDK?

do you ever think there might be a chance down the road that we might get back together? i know thats hard for you to answer b/c you don't even know me. but given what you do know, how do you feel about it? suppose we go our own way for a couple years and mature and change for the better, would there be a chance you think? i feel like i'm mean't to be with her. she is everything to me and will continue to be for a very very long time.

March 5, 2013

Yes, I think she really did love you as much as you loved her. People show love in different ways, and as I said, it doesn’t always necessarily equate to a relationship lasting forever or being totally happy and functional for both partners involved.

Also, if she does NOT think of you everyday (which she may well), that also doesn’t mean she never loved you and won’t always care for you.

Maybe you’re not 100% OPEN to interest from other girls. I think it’s too early for you to be out there and truly interested in meeting someone else, to be honest. You’re clearly still very pre-occupied with your ex and ideally you’d want to be with her still, so how can you give much energy to finding a new person? There’s no rush for that…and if you’re interested in finding someone new to “replace” your ex or to alleviate some of the emptiness, loneliness and pain of not being with her anymore, or to give your ego a bit of a boost, well…it’ll help the ego thing, but it won’t “fix” anything else.

Sure, there may be a chance down the road you could get back together. I think what you need is to build your self esteem. You don’t seem particularly down on yourself in general, but it seems this relationship and breakup has affected you in that you blamed yourself for certain things and felt not good enough for her at times. You should, over time, work on feeling like (and truly BELIEVING) you’re a good, decent partner for anyone and women would be lucky to have you as their boyfriend. You may already feel this, but it doesn’t translate in a lot of what you’ve said about your feelings during and following your relationship. You should try to believe you don’t have to change who you are, or bend over backwards, to make a partner happy. There is always compromise required in relationships, but you do need to be yourself and have your partner love you for who you are.

Your ex would need to work on her standards. Not lowering them per se, but developing much more of an understanding and patience and tolerance with people she loves. To improve her self esteem and feelings of fear so she doesn’t feel such a strong need to control those she loves, for fear of something bad happening or being hurt.

If you could both do this, then there MIGHT be a chance of a reconciliation at some stage down the track, IF you were both wanting to do this. If you both felt a lot of love and that “spark” still for each other.

March 5, 2013

Yes, I think she really did love you as much as you loved her. People show love in different ways, and as I said, it doesn’t always necessarily equate to a relationship lasting forever or being totally happy and functional for both partners involved.

Also, if she does NOT think of you everyday (which she may well), that also doesn’t mean she never loved you and won’t always care for you.

Maybe you’re not 100% OPEN to interest from other girls. I think it’s too early for you to be out there and truly interested in meeting someone else, to be honest. You’re clearly still very pre-occupied with your ex and ideally you’d want to be with her still, so how can you give much energy to finding a new person? There’s no rush for that…and if you’re interested in finding someone new to “replace” your ex or to alleviate some of the emptiness, loneliness and pain of not being with her anymore, or to give your ego a bit of a boost, well…it’ll help the ego thing, but it won’t “fix” anything else.

Sure, there may be a chance down the road you could get back together. I think what you need is to build your self esteem. You don’t seem particularly down on yourself in general, but it seems this relationship and breakup has affected you in that you blamed yourself for certain things and felt not good enough for her at times. You should, over time, work on feeling like (and truly BELIEVING) you’re a good, decent partner for anyone and women would be lucky to have you as their boyfriend. You may already feel this, but it doesn’t translate in a lot of what you’ve said about your feelings during and following your relationship. You should try to believe you don’t have to change who you are, or bend over backwards, to make a partner happy. There is always compromise required in relationships, but you do need to be yourself and have your partner love you for who you are.

Your ex would need to work on her standards. Not lowering them per se, but developing much more of an understanding and patience and tolerance with people she loves. To improve her self esteem and feelings of fear so she doesn’t feel such a strong need to control those she loves, for fear of something bad happening or being hurt.

If you could both do this, then there MIGHT be a chance of a reconciliation at some stage down the track, IF you were both wanting to do this. If you both felt a lot of love and that “spark” still for each other.

based on how long it took us to go NC and all the things she said after the BU i would find it hard to believe that she doesn't think about me everyday and miss me the same way. i feel that she didn't want to make this choice to BU. it wasn't b/c we fell out of love. that is SO FURTHER from the truth. but rather that she stated that she just couldn't trust me anymore. i don't really know? i just think she was really hard on me and tried to control me and i lied to look better in her eyes.

you're right about me trying to meet other girls. i think i'm just feeling SUPER lonely right now and just need something to take her off my mind. but trying to find someone else right now would only add to my stress. i just feel like i should get back out there and try again but i know that i'm not ready at all. i don't want to be single forever. there was a period of time in my life when i was single for 8 years. i hated it so much. i don't want that to ever happen again.

i def need to work on myself. there is so much work to be done on me. i need to learn from this relationship so i know how to deal with similar situations if they come up again. i know that i'm a good person deep down inside but its going to take me a long time to not blame myself for a lot of the stuff that happened. i'm just like that. i want people to like me.

i really hope my ex gets some help for herself and stops denying the fact that she has issues that need to be addressed. the funny thing is that she is going for her masters in counseling!!! you would think that she would be t he first to see her problems. she needs help or she is never going to be happy. im sure she learned a lot from this relationship but, like me, there is lots of work to be done on herself.

i wake up everyday and pray that someday my ex and i will bump into each other and still have that spark and start all over again b/c my love for her is SO SO TRUE and SO SO DEEP.

March 5, 2013

I don’t think she fell out of love with you either, but I don’t agree when she said she couldn’t trust you “anymore”. She would NEVER have been able to trust you ultimately. Nothing changed in your behaviour that would warrant her reaction with regard to being able to trust you. It seems to me the more deeply into the relationship she got, the more invested she got, the more at stake there was, the more she felt, the harder SHE found it to trust full stop. Cause people with incredibly high standards, perfectionists, insecure people easily threatened by things and show jealousy and possessiveness, and who try to control people they love, they also have a REALLY hard time letting go and trusting people. And it doesn’t matter what those people do or don’t do.

You won’t be single forever. Don’t even worry about that. That’s an added pressure you just don’t need right now. You’re not even that far out of this BU so you’ve got a lot of time ahead of you to be happier in your own self and then eventually to fall in love again. (the fact you said you “hated” being single for 8 years…why did you hate it so much? Did you hate it because the relationship prior to that ended badly and left you scarred and miserable and so you feel you associated being single after that with those bad feelings from the end of that relationship? Or were you just really unhappy and dissatisfied with your own self so you hated being alone and not with anyone else?)

Can I ask…how WOULD you deal with a similar situation in terms of this relationship if it came up again in the future, after you’d worked on yourself? What do you think would be a good way to deal with it?

Heh, don’t laugh about your ex going for her masters in counseling. I’ve got a psychology degree too (no masters though, unfortunately), and they say (and I tend to agree) that the best / most common type of counsellor is a “crazy” one with issues. Lol. It’s easier to understand others’ problems if you’ve been there / done that yourself, eh?

I’d actually be VERY interested, if she was talking to a client / patient about THEIR jealousy, insecurity, control issues, whether she’d be able to be objective about that situation and point out how those behaviours are detrimental to both partners in a relationship and that they’re irrational. Or would she AGREE that the person experiencing those control issues was RIGHT! That’d be kinda freaky.

March 6, 2013

I don’t think she fell out of love with you either, but I don’t agree when she said she couldn’t trust you “anymore”. She would NEVER have been able to trust you ultimately. Nothing changed in your behaviour that would warrant her reaction with regard to being able to trust you. It seems to me the more deeply into the relationship she got, the more invested she got, the more at stake there was, the more she felt, the harder SHE found it to trust full stop. Cause people with incredibly high standards, perfectionists, insecure people easily threatened by things and show jealousy and possessiveness, and who try to control people they love, they also have a REALLY hard time letting go and trusting people. And it doesn’t matter what those people do or don’t do.

You won’t be single forever. Don’t even worry about that. That’s an added pressure you just don’t need right now. You’re not even that far out of this BU so you’ve got a lot of time ahead of you to be happier in your own self and then eventually to fall in love again. (the fact you said you “hated” being single for 8 years…why did you hate it so much? Did you hate it because the relationship prior to that ended badly and left you scarred and miserable and so you feel you associated being single after that with those bad feelings from the end of that relationship? Or were you just really unhappy and dissatisfied with your own self so you hated being alone and not with anyone else?)

Can I ask…how WOULD you deal with a similar situation in terms of this relationship if it came up again in the future, after you’d worked on yourself? What do you think would be a good way to deal with it?

Heh, don’t laugh about your ex going for her masters in counseling. I’ve got a psychology degree too (no masters though, unfortunately), and they say (and I tend to agree) that the best / most common type of counsellor is a “crazy” one with issues. Lol. It’s easier to understand others’ problems if you’ve been there / done that yourself, eh?

I’d actually be VERY interested, if she was talking to a client / patient about THEIR jealousy, insecurity, control issues, whether she’d be able to be objective about that situation and point out how those behaviours are detrimental to both partners in a relationship and that they’re irrational. Or would she AGREE that the person experiencing those control issues was RIGHT! That’d be kinda freaky.

i have to agree with what have to say about her trust issues related to the BU. it makes sense what you're saying. her trust issue are so deep and it didn't help any when i would lie to her about the dumbest things. that made her not trust me even more. its sad that i did lie to her but i was always so afraid for having to answer to her. none of the stuff wasn't that bad for her to go over the top and turn her back on me. i just feel like she never going to be able to trust anyone and god forbid if they even tell a little white lie. it will goodbye for that person. i just really wished that she could have trusted me enough to stay in this relationship. i'm not a bad person at all. yeah, i've done stupid things but i don't see how what i did warrants a total BU. i've said that to her bf and she said that she knows herself well enough that she would question me and then that would make me mad in the end. she also said that she didn't want to start resenting me. HUH?? for what? i didn't cheat on you. i didn't do anything that was that bad that make you start resenting me. i just dont get it. if i had done all those bad things then i could totally see her BU with me. that would be like me saying, oh btw i have serious OCD and like my toothbrush positioned like that. after awhile i start noticing that she is messing up the position of my toothbrush and its making me mad and driving me crazy. as a result, i need to TOTALLY break your heart in two b/c of my own issues. i'm so mad at her for the crap she put me thru only to BU with me in the end. it just sucks. i should have BU with her when i thought about at all those times. but i didn't . i LOVED her and wanted to make it work and do whatever it took.

i did have a bad BU before i went 8 years without being in a relationship. i has a date or two but nothing panned out for me. i felt very lonely. it took me years to get over that BU. i don't know if it was a result of just a broken heart or the fact that i didn't find someone else to get over her. all i know is that i was hurt so bad by that BU that it took me years to finally move past it. i don't want to go thru that again. i really don't. i'm not getting any younger and i really want to find at that person to grow old with. i thought i found it but i guess i was wrong. i also don't want to be single that long b/c i found myself into habits that i didn't like. i looked at porn WAY TOO MUCH. i just didn't get out much. i don't have many friends. i lost my best friend

are you asking me if i ran into the same situation with a girl similar to my ex how would i handle it? well to be honest with you i don't think i would run away, right away. i have to be able to give that person to make little changes in themselves for it to work...but i would not let it go as far as it did with my ex. like i said bf, there many times i felt like throwing in the towel but i just loved my ex WAY TOO much to just give up. i couldn't bare to hurt her like that. i knew she was "trying" to make it work but in the end she just couldn't deal with her own issues and instead of trying to work on them she felf it would be easier to get rid of some baggage so she would have to stress all the time. SO SAD. but i know there are a lot of girls out there that are insecure and thats ok. its my job, in a way, to make them feel more secure. i tried with my ex but it never worked. no matter how many time i told her how gorgeous she was, it didn't matter. if i told her that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and have kids and everything, it didn't matter. if i told her that she is and will ALWAYS be the ONLY woman i would love for the rest of of my life, it would matter. NOTHING HELPED :(

and god i hope she get some her own meds when she is treating someone with the same issues as her. MAYBE, just maybe there will some break thru and she'll said, dang i'm messed up and need some help myself.....doubt b/c she is SUPER stubborn. lol

i don't think i can take this pain anymore

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