i don't think i can take this pain anymore

March 6, 2013

See, also, when you're NOT the one with the main problem in the relationship, like when your partner is the one with the issue that causes the BU or they have a problem with something in the relationship, then not only are you heartbroken by the fact it's over, but also you still cling onto the notion that SOMEHOW you could have fixed it. Because THE problem in the relationship was not big enough for you to end it, and because HER problem wasn't YOUR problem, so you would be willing to stay with her and fix it. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense right now, sorry. I'm hungry and my brain seems to be eating itself.

You lying to her about silly things because you feared her reaction to the truth and the lies and anything at all really didn't REALLY cause her to distrust you MORE. People who can't trust, you'd literally have to be a cyborg who has all the answers she finds acceptable programmed in, for her to really trust you. And even then, people like that, she'd go for years waiting, scared of one day you "screwing up" and then she'd claim she couldn't trust you anymore, when really, the whole time your "correct" answers were comforting her, keeping her in her "safe" place but really just prolonging or hiding her real deeper mistrust issues.

I'm glad to hear if similar issues came up in a future relationship that you'd try to work it out but you wouldn't let it get as far as it did with your ex. That's good. Sounds reasonable.

When you say it feels like it's your JOB to make girls more secure? That's interesting. I think it's nice of you, and in a way, I definitely understand what you're saying, but ultimately, only THEY can really be secure in themselves, you know?

March 6, 2013

See, also, when you're NOT the one with the main problem in the relationship, like when your partner is the one with the issue that causes the BU or they have a problem with something in the relationship, then not only are you heartbroken by the fact it's over, but also you still cling onto the notion that SOMEHOW you could have fixed it. Because THE problem in the relationship was not big enough for you to end it, and because HER problem wasn't YOUR problem, so you would be willing to stay with her and fix it. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense right now, sorry. I'm hungry and my brain seems to be eating itself.

You lying to her about silly things because you feared her reaction to the truth and the lies and anything at all really didn't REALLY cause her to distrust you MORE. People who can't trust, you'd literally have to be a cyborg who has all the answers she finds acceptable programmed in, for her to really trust you. And even then, people like that, she'd go for years waiting, scared of one day you "screwing up" and then she'd claim she couldn't trust you anymore, when really, the whole time your "correct" answers were comforting her, keeping her in her "safe" place but really just prolonging or hiding her real deeper mistrust issues.

I'm glad to hear if similar issues came up in a future relationship that you'd try to work it out but you wouldn't let it get as far as it did with your ex. That's good. Sounds reasonable.

When you say it feels like it's your JOB to make girls more secure? That's interesting. I think it's nice of you, and in a way, I definitely understand what you're saying, but ultimately, only THEY can really be secure in themselves, you know?

it makes total sense to me. thats the part that gets to me is that i stuck it out and tried so many times to make it work and then when her issues go out of control then she kicks me to the curb. i can't help but think about all the times after the BU that she explained to me why she did what she did. she said it wasn't so much the actual lie. its the fact that i couldn't trust you anymore and that if she stayed with me that she would start to resent me for what i had did to her. she also added that if she didn't do it she would always ??? me and then i would get upset at her for all the ???'s. i mean yes it would get on my nerves but i was SO WILLING to try to work thru this. it took her 2 months to BU with me after the lie. during those 2 months i tried EVERYTHING to try to put her mind at ease. but i guess it didn't work. we fought a lot more after the lie b/c i think she was really mad at me. but i just kept saying to myself that what i did wasn't THAT big of a deal. so there i go....out the door.

its funny you say the whole cyborg thing b/c i can remember getting SO UPSET at me for not listening to her. hello.....thats a guy thing. i can't remember everything she said. so i found myself focusing so hard on what she said so i didn't miss anything. i even found myself repeating it like i was trying to memorize it. cause god forbid i missed something. i couldn't watch tv with her cause she would talk to me and it made it SO god damn hard to focus on the program b/c i have 1 ear on her and 1 on the tv. MESSED UP. i just became so paranoid. but i still loved her and was willing to put up with it no matter what. i just figured after awhile she would get the hint and lay off me. NOPE

i understand what you're saying. i think for me i was just trying, as a very loving and caring bf, to make her feel special ALL the time. even if she looked awful i would tell that she looked great. i was trying everything to help her. she open up a little bit. i was the first guy to see her in a bikini. i was the first guy to see her totally naked. but it was only a peek for me and then she would clam up on me. at first i made a bit of a deal about it but after awhile i just let it go and tried to make her understand that "i" understand how she feels about these things and to not stress about me. i tried. i tried so hard to be that perfect bf. i know that people are not suppose to try that hard but i hard to work harder b/c i loved her SO MUCH and i didn't want to lose her at all. i think that hurt me b/c it made me not be myself out of fear that i would lose her. a lot of people have told me that. at first i thought they were crazy but now i'm starting to see the light.

oh stevie....i miss her so much. i can't relax. i clinch my teeth so hard now that i have to wear a mouthguard. i went to my dr yesterday to be put on antidepressant meds. i'm just a mess. i just want everything to be with me.

March 6, 2013

See, also, when you're NOT the one with the main problem in the relationship, like when your partner is the one with the issue that causes the BU or they have a problem with something in the relationship, then not only are you heartbroken by the fact it's over, but also you still cling onto the notion that SOMEHOW you could have fixed it. Because THE problem in the relationship was not big enough for you to end it, and because HER problem wasn't YOUR problem, so you would be willing to stay with her and fix it. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense right now, sorry. I'm hungry and my brain seems to be eating itself.

You lying to her about silly things because you feared her reaction to the truth and the lies and anything at all really didn't REALLY cause her to distrust you MORE. People who can't trust, you'd literally have to be a cyborg who has all the answers she finds acceptable programmed in, for her to really trust you. And even then, people like that, she'd go for years waiting, scared of one day you "screwing up" and then she'd claim she couldn't trust you anymore, when really, the whole time your "correct" answers were comforting her, keeping her in her "safe" place but really just prolonging or hiding her real deeper mistrust issues.

I'm glad to hear if similar issues came up in a future relationship that you'd try to work it out but you wouldn't let it get as far as it did with your ex. That's good. Sounds reasonable.

When you say it feels like it's your JOB to make girls more secure? That's interesting. I think it's nice of you, and in a way, I definitely understand what you're saying, but ultimately, only THEY can really be secure in themselves, you know?

i just wished that she would have given me a second chance to really show her what she mean't to me.

March 7, 2013

I find it sad that because you and her both couldn’t get what you needed from each other in this relationship (for her to just accept you as you were and give you a bit of freedom and just be NORMAL, and for you to basically be perfect and never give her any reason to be worried or threatened or distrustful, which is impossible), you ended up completely paranoid, like having to listen and memorise everything she ever said or else she’d be hurt that you “weren’t listening”. Ugh. And she ended up not trusting you because of…nothing really. It’s just not a healthy, functional match even though probably in all the other ways not related to her issues, you were very good together.

Would she one day get the hint and lay off you with the unreasonable demands and standards? Unfortunately, no (as you discovered). It’d just get worse, if anything. At first in a relationship people tend to be a bit more lenient because they see that this is who their new partner is, and then SOME people try to change them to suit their needs more. And then if they DON’T change or “improve”, they then begin to take it personally and resent them. Mistrust them. Etc. It sucks.

See, that’s another thing. You said “even if she looked awful I would tell her she looked great.” And I understand what you mean. Nobody looks good ALL the time. Everyone looks bad at some stage, and the fact you can show your intimate partner when you DON’T look good is very important, and they still love you and want to still be with you and all that. They see the beauty inside even when you look horrible on the outside. But if SHE read that for instance, or you were completely honest and told her what you said here, she’d probably be incredibly HURT and feel that you thought she was ugly or you didn’t love her or something. Ugh.

And see, sometimes people in a relationship DO have to try extra hard. Everyone has emotional issues of some kind, and also emotional baggage from past relationships or how they grew up, parent stuff, whatever. Everyone. And it’s fine. Some people have more difficult baggage than others and their partners DO have to try harder, BUT…the thing is, BOTH partners in that case have to try and they have to be in it TOGETHER. The partner who is struggling with the most damaging (to the relationship) or problematic issues has to acknowledge the extra effort their partner is making in being what they need. They need to acknowledge their problems and try to work together to make the relationship happy and fulfilling and supportive. That’s the word. SUPPORT. You seem to have tried hard to support her, but she didn’t seem to even know HOW to support you. Maybe because you didn’t seem to need support, so she just kind of expected you to be what she needed, didn’t realise that was VERY difficult to do (by her standards) and that you had no issues so didn’t need support. It seems she thought your only issues were that you were not what SHE needed to feel ok in the relationship.

And yes, you were not able to be yourself. It’s really bad to not feel free to be who you are in a relationship. This is the one relationship, above all others, that you SHOULD feel you are loved and accepted as exactly who you are. If you can’t do that, and no amount of trying over time helps, then you’re just not able to be with that person unfortunately, no matter how much love there is.

You’re wearing a mouth guard? That’s no good. At least it’ll protect your teeth. Early on after my BU, I’d wake up each morning and my jaw would ache from having my teeth clenched in my sleep. I think anti-anxiety meds might really help you. It’s good you’re on anti-depressants now. I hope they start to help soon. When I started on mine back in mid January, the first few days were a bit odd. Slight stomach issues, I’d wake up shivering for the first 3 nights but then be fine after a few minutes. I felt floaty in my head, and a little slow, but very good in general. It was a huge relief for my thoughts not to be constantly churning over and over and the stress to be mostly gone.

A second chance? You wish she’d given you a second chance…*sigh* See, I think you are the one who would be giving HER a second chance, to let you be yourself, and to accept you as you are and to realise you are NOT lying to her, you are NOT meaning to hurt her by not being able to live up to her too high standards. But the other thing is…there’s no NEED for you to get a second chance to show her how much you love her. She KNOWS you loved her, deep down underneath all her issues. And she probably knows that still wouldn’t change anything. She still has those issues. You are not a cyborg who can keep her calm and happy in that relationship, and you shouldn’t want to be.

I do know how you feel though. It’s been 3 months that my ex left me. When I think back to 2 years ago and realise that in 2 weeks time we’d start getting together, I feel sick. I want to go back in time and do it all again.

March 7, 2013

I find it sad that because you and her both couldn’t get what you needed from each other in this relationship (for her to just accept you as you were and give you a bit of freedom and just be NORMAL, and for you to basically be perfect and never give her any reason to be worried or threatened or distrustful, which is impossible), you ended up completely paranoid, like having to listen and memorise everything she ever said or else she’d be hurt that you “weren’t listening”. Ugh. And she ended up not trusting you because of…nothing really. It’s just not a healthy, functional match even though probably in all the other ways not related to her issues, you were very good together.

Would she one day get the hint and lay off you with the unreasonable demands and standards? Unfortunately, no (as you discovered). It’d just get worse, if anything. At first in a relationship people tend to be a bit more lenient because they see that this is who their new partner is, and then SOME people try to change them to suit their needs more. And then if they DON’T change or “improve”, they then begin to take it personally and resent them. Mistrust them. Etc. It sucks.

See, that’s another thing. You said “even if she looked awful I would tell her she looked great.” And I understand what you mean. Nobody looks good ALL the time. Everyone looks bad at some stage, and the fact you can show your intimate partner when you DON’T look good is very important, and they still love you and want to still be with you and all that. They see the beauty inside even when you look horrible on the outside. But if SHE read that for instance, or you were completely honest and told her what you said here, she’d probably be incredibly HURT and feel that you thought she was ugly or you didn’t love her or something. Ugh.

And see, sometimes people in a relationship DO have to try extra hard. Everyone has emotional issues of some kind, and also emotional baggage from past relationships or how they grew up, parent stuff, whatever. Everyone. And it’s fine. Some people have more difficult baggage than others and their partners DO have to try harder, BUT…the thing is, BOTH partners in that case have to try and they have to be in it TOGETHER. The partner who is struggling with the most damaging (to the relationship) or problematic issues has to acknowledge the extra effort their partner is making in being what they need. They need to acknowledge their problems and try to work together to make the relationship happy and fulfilling and supportive. That’s the word. SUPPORT. You seem to have tried hard to support her, but she didn’t seem to even know HOW to support you. Maybe because you didn’t seem to need support, so she just kind of expected you to be what she needed, didn’t realise that was VERY difficult to do (by her standards) and that you had no issues so didn’t need support. It seems she thought your only issues were that you were not what SHE needed to feel ok in the relationship.

And yes, you were not able to be yourself. It’s really bad to not feel free to be who you are in a relationship. This is the one relationship, above all others, that you SHOULD feel you are loved and accepted as exactly who you are. If you can’t do that, and no amount of trying over time helps, then you’re just not able to be with that person unfortunately, no matter how much love there is.

You’re wearing a mouth guard? That’s no good. At least it’ll protect your teeth. Early on after my BU, I’d wake up each morning and my jaw would ache from having my teeth clenched in my sleep. I think anti-anxiety meds might really help you. It’s good you’re on anti-depressants now. I hope they start to help soon. When I started on mine back in mid January, the first few days were a bit odd. Slight stomach issues, I’d wake up shivering for the first 3 nights but then be fine after a few minutes. I felt floaty in my head, and a little slow, but very good in general. It was a huge relief for my thoughts not to be constantly churning over and over and the stress to be mostly gone.

A second chance? You wish she’d given you a second chance…*sigh* See, I think you are the one who would be giving HER a second chance, to let you be yourself, and to accept you as you are and to realise you are NOT lying to her, you are NOT meaning to hurt her by not being able to live up to her too high standards. But the other thing is…there’s no NEED for you to get a second chance to show her how much you love her. She KNOWS you loved her, deep down underneath all her issues. And she probably knows that still wouldn’t change anything. She still has those issues. You are not a cyborg who can keep her calm and happy in that relationship, and you shouldn’t want to be.

I do know how you feel though. It’s been 3 months that my ex left me. When I think back to 2 years ago and realise that in 2 weeks time we’d start getting together, I feel sick. I want to go back in time and do it all again.

i find it very very sad too. its true that even thought she stated that she could accept me for who i was i sometimes found it hard to believe. i made some really stupid choices during our relationship, nothing major, but i gave it everything i had. i'm so not perfect but i have seen friends get away with FAR worse things then me. i mentioned that to her once and she just flat out said that there might be a girl out there to deal with "my" issues but she could not. HUH? its sad b/c there was SO MUCH love there. but its also sad that i just couldn't be myself. for instance, she used to have this hang up that i couldn't find another woman attractive. i didn't dare say anything. well i wanted to. i wanted to express myself and tell her my inner most thoughts and feelings. it didn't mean that i was going to go nail mila kunis. i just think she's hot. i had NO PROBLEM with her telling me what kinda guy she liked. in fact i found it very interesting to see what she saw in those guys. but i just didn't care. WHY? b/c i love her and trust that she is not going to let the thought of some other guy rule her mind. i wanted her to tell me those things......but i couldn't. i tried in the beginning of the relationship but soon found out that just expressing my feelings about something like that pissed her off. she HATED megan fox. not me. i thought she was super hot. but if i saw her on the front of a mag or something she would jump all over it and call her a slut and that i have an odd taste in women. HUH???? so that made me stop saying stuff like that. MESS UP!!

her high standards he higher than mt everest. she felt me out from day one. the first issue that we ran into was the whole porn deal. as you know i like it but she hated it. but she tried to change me from the moment we met. she forbid me from looking at it anymore. i thought it sucked b/c i felt like she was trying to control me. i understood why she didn't want me to look but it was the principle for me that she was tying to run my life. i could have stopped but i didn't feel it was right for her to do that. i fought it for a VERY long time but in the end i gave in and stopped all together......for her. so i think that when i fought her for so long it put a sour taste in her mouth b/c she was not able to change me the way she wanted. so to get her off my back i told her that i didn't look but she found out otherwise......that was my fault and i take the blame for lying to her. it wasn't right but in my mind i felt that i had EVERY right to look. i wasn't bothering her. i wasn't trying to expose it to her. i knew how she felt and i RESPECTED her opinion but "I" would never make someone stop doing something unless it was illegal or having a profound effect on the relationship.

the funny thing about me telling her that she looked good even when she didn't is that i used to always tell her that the one thing i wanted to do with her is to have a mud fight. i think she would have looked so cute covered in mud and i would have still found her SUPER hot. hands down. hell i even found it SUPER sexy when she would come home from a jog and be all hot, sweaty and smelly. that turned me on SO BAD. i just didn't care b/c i knew that under all that mud and sweat was the woman that i was 100000000000% totally head over heals, butt ass crazy in love with. i could see past all that and see the real woman.

OMG....i supported EVERYTHING that came her way. when she was having issues with her dad (that walked out of her life) i was there to try to help her. when she was having body image issues, i was there to tell her that she was the most beautiful woman on earth and the woman of my dreams and love of my life. when she was having school issues i was there to help calm her down and think thru things. BUT she had a hard time supporting me. you're right, maybe she did feel that i didn't need that much support. IDK. i mean she would help me thru tough things but the core issues were always difficult for her. she could NEVER support that fact that i liked porn. but thats ok b/c everyone has their own opinion. but she just didn't support my reasons for liking it. you know? she could NEVER support the fact that i might see another woman and think that she was sexy or good looking. i mean i was NEVER one of those guys that would stare in front of her. but god help me if i ever made a nice comment about about someone. just a simple, "that cashier was pretty". something so innocent and respectful. nothing porn like. but i supported so many ideals that she had even if i didn't believe in them. i did it b/c i wanted to show support but the other half of me just didn't want her to get upset with me for going against her.

yeah....good ol mouthguard. its gonna cost a fortune. i think over there medical coverage is a right of all citizens, right??? not here. here, everyone is out to make a buck. so sad. but yeah since all this went down i have been clinching like a MO FO and my jaw is killing me and bite gets all out of whack. i'm SO AFRAID of the side effects of the meds. i took them b/f and they made me so sick for the first week but then it got better. i went to the dr yesterday but i haven't starting taking them but i know i need to. for me, i just don't want to add another issue in my life. i mean i'm going to take them. but i just need take it slow at the start so its easier for me. WISH ME LUCK

i understand what you're saying about second chances. it makes sense. you put it in a way that i never really considered and you're totally right. she STILL would have all those issues regardless of how hard i try.

i'm sorry you're hurting. i feel so bad b/c all we've been doing is talking about my issues and here you are hurting just like me. i seem like a SUPER sweet woman with a WEALTH of relationship knowledge. i gather more insight from you than i do from anyone else i've spoken too INCLUDING my therapist. LOL. but you hang in there too. i wished you lived close by so i could give ya a friendly hug and say thanks face to face for all the help you've given me. YOU'RE THE BEST!!! maybe i'll bump into you one day when i'm a vaca in your neck of the woods.

March 8, 2013

Aw wow! You get more insight from me than your therapist even?!!? Wow! That's a HUGE compliment!! I have a psychology degree (but never used it. I'm a secretary instead. BORING! lol) and would LOVE to be an online therapist (no face to face), but...there're no jobs.

Oh, and don't worry about us always talking about your situation and feelings instead of mine. I'm dealing with mine. If I wanted to talk more about it here, I would. I find it helps to talk about other situations. Gets my mind off my own feelings for a while and it also helps broaden my own viewpoint about my experiences too.

You know...if my partner, or any partner, found it unacceptable for me to look at a woman on a magazine cover or on TV or in the street and find them attractive, I'd just find this SO unnecessary. SO restrictive. SO controlling. And so...STRANGE. I find HEAPS of people hot! And it's all good. Megan Fox is absolutely HOT!!!!! And so is Mila Kunis! HOT HOT HOT! My partner and I often look at women in the street and joke about how we were looking. It's no problem at all. She even has this woman on the Australian version of The Biggest Loser (one of the trainers) who we joke is her "TV wife" cause she finds her hot. It's all good! It means nothing. It's just fun.

Now, I'm not sure how much of my situation I've mentioned here so far, but I've been with my partner (lesbian relationship) for 12 years. And for the past 2 years I was in an affair with a married man. When I talk about my ex, he's who I mean. He's who I'm trying to recover from. So...yeah. I don't know if I'm gay anymore or what, but I don't really care. I find many different people hot and attractive and appealing and in your case, simply finding people hot is just a way of life! It's natural. Some people say when you stop looking, you're dead. You know? EVERYONE looks and it's just fun and innocent. Anyone who tries to control their partner from doing that, has HUGE problems and is SO insecure and obviously threatened by ANYTHING that seemingly could take your attention and love away from her.

Did SHE ever look at anyone else? Ever? If she was genuinely NEVER remotely interested in even looking admiringly at anyone else, well, this is highly unusual. And it shows me she may be a bit weird in her head in that way. To just have NO interest. It also shows me she MAY not even know what she wants in a partner or she may not know HOW to find someone based on her attraction to them. Meaning...she may value being with a partner purely on what they can do for HER, how they make HER feel, you know? Not so much on how she feels about THEM and what they're like in terms of looks or personality. Because she's so insecure about things, she may be with someone to try to make her feel better in that way. Of course, she has to also feel attracted to them, but I just don't know if she's really able to TRULY feel a full and normal attraction, IF she never honestly has any interest or opinion on anyone else who is attractive (like celebrities or random people in the street, etc).

If she DID find people attractive, same as you, and still never looked at them because she believes doing so would show disrespect to you (the same way she felt you looking showed HER disrespect), then ok, fine, at least she'd not be a hypocrite, BUT this is just so not required! She is fine to look at people and just enjoy it, you know!? Obviously you're fine with that.

If she looks at people and sees no problem with that, but won't let YOU do it, then that is just SO BAD!

Anyway...the porn thing is hard. I've never had to deal with anything porn related. My first partner enjoyed porn but we watched it together and I found mostly we'd end up laughing cause it was so lame. I never took it seriously. My current partner never has anything to do with porn, not because she's against it, but just because she doesn't find it a turn on, and also finds it funny most of the time. My ex-married man watched porn sometimes, but since being with me, reduced that to almost nothing because he only wanted me now. I enjoy some specific types of porn myself, and see no issue with it as long as it doesn't REPLACE actual real life sexual interactions with your partner (which your's obviously did not).

So...yeah. This is just another thing related to her insecurity and feeling threatened in general by anything that could take away your love or desire for her, AND a lot of women really do feel that a guy that watches or enjoys porn is directly DISRESPECTING women in general and especially, disrespecting his partner. I just find this weird, but SO many women feel this way, and so your ex, had that opinion as well, combined with the insecurity, and this made it quite an extreme point of view for her I think.

When you say she believed she DID accept you for who you were, this makes me wonder 2 things. Firstly, how many aspects of you did she ALSO not like or agree with but just didn't SAY anything because they were small and so not as important to her. Did she feel that because she TRIED to accept those other things she didn't like, that she DID accept you as you were, but the porn stuff and the insecurity-based stuff she just could NOT accept because to her, they were WRONG. And she may have thought that yes, she accepted you for who you were AS LONG as who you were was not something she considered was blatantly wrong in general. Like watching porn she seems to think is just wrong for anyone to do, no matter who they are. So how could she accept that part of you?

Secondly, she may have genuinely felt that she DID accept you for who you were, and that by her restricting you and trying to control you in certain ways was the ONLY way she COULD "accept" you (in her mind). Meaning her accepting you was her needing to control you so she was ABLE to accept you (but of course, this is NOT really accepting at all). Does that make sense?

Oh, and about the medication, give it at least a month, ok? It apparently takes 2-6 weeks to fully work and give the full effect.

Also, I'm on Zoloft (anti-depressant / anti-anxiety) and was also very nervous when I first started taking it, but I've been only taking HALF a pill each day. You're supposed to take 1 pill a day, but I halved it cause I was nervous, and I also felt I didn't NEED a full pill. And it's been really good. So...maybe try that...(though I wouldn't obviously recommend controlling your own dosage, cause neither of us are doctors so we don't really know what we're doing, but just in my case, half a pill has worked well).

March 8, 2013

Aw wow! You get more insight from me than your therapist even?!!? Wow! That's a HUGE compliment!! I have a psychology degree (but never used it. I'm a secretary instead. BORING! lol) and would LOVE to be an online therapist (no face to face), but...there're no jobs.

Oh, and don't worry about us always talking about your situation and feelings instead of mine. I'm dealing with mine. If I wanted to talk more about it here, I would. I find it helps to talk about other situations. Gets my mind off my own feelings for a while and it also helps broaden my own viewpoint about my experiences too.

You know...if my partner, or any partner, found it unacceptable for me to look at a woman on a magazine cover or on TV or in the street and find them attractive, I'd just find this SO unnecessary. SO restrictive. SO controlling. And so...STRANGE. I find HEAPS of people hot! And it's all good. Megan Fox is absolutely HOT!!!!! And so is Mila Kunis! HOT HOT HOT! My partner and I often look at women in the street and joke about how we were looking. It's no problem at all. She even has this woman on the Australian version of The Biggest Loser (one of the trainers) who we joke is her "TV wife" cause she finds her hot. It's all good! It means nothing. It's just fun.

Now, I'm not sure how much of my situation I've mentioned here so far, but I've been with my partner (lesbian relationship) for 12 years. And for the past 2 years I was in an affair with a married man. When I talk about my ex, he's who I mean. He's who I'm trying to recover from. So...yeah. I don't know if I'm gay anymore or what, but I don't really care. I find many different people hot and attractive and appealing and in your case, simply finding people hot is just a way of life! It's natural. Some people say when you stop looking, you're dead. You know? EVERYONE looks and it's just fun and innocent. Anyone who tries to control their partner from doing that, has HUGE problems and is SO insecure and obviously threatened by ANYTHING that seemingly could take your attention and love away from her.

Did SHE ever look at anyone else? Ever? If she was genuinely NEVER remotely interested in even looking admiringly at anyone else, well, this is highly unusual. And it shows me she may be a bit weird in her head in that way. To just have NO interest. It also shows me she MAY not even know what she wants in a partner or she may not know HOW to find someone based on her attraction to them. Meaning...she may value being with a partner purely on what they can do for HER, how they make HER feel, you know? Not so much on how she feels about THEM and what they're like in terms of looks or personality. Because she's so insecure about things, she may be with someone to try to make her feel better in that way. Of course, she has to also feel attracted to them, but I just don't know if she's really able to TRULY feel a full and normal attraction, IF she never honestly has any interest or opinion on anyone else who is attractive (like celebrities or random people in the street, etc).

If she DID find people attractive, same as you, and still never looked at them because she believes doing so would show disrespect to you (the same way she felt you looking showed HER disrespect), then ok, fine, at least she'd not be a hypocrite, BUT this is just so not required! She is fine to look at people and just enjoy it, you know!? Obviously you're fine with that.

If she looks at people and sees no problem with that, but won't let YOU do it, then that is just SO BAD!

Anyway...the porn thing is hard. I've never had to deal with anything porn related. My first partner enjoyed porn but we watched it together and I found mostly we'd end up laughing cause it was so lame. I never took it seriously. My current partner never has anything to do with porn, not because she's against it, but just because she doesn't find it a turn on, and also finds it funny most of the time. My ex-married man watched porn sometimes, but since being with me, reduced that to almost nothing because he only wanted me now. I enjoy some specific types of porn myself, and see no issue with it as long as it doesn't REPLACE actual real life sexual interactions with your partner (which your's obviously did not).

So...yeah. This is just another thing related to her insecurity and feeling threatened in general by anything that could take away your love or desire for her, AND a lot of women really do feel that a guy that watches or enjoys porn is directly DISRESPECTING women in general and especially, disrespecting his partner. I just find this weird, but SO many women feel this way, and so your ex, had that opinion as well, combined with the insecurity, and this made it quite an extreme point of view for her I think.

When you say she believed she DID accept you for who you were, this makes me wonder 2 things. Firstly, how many aspects of you did she ALSO not like or agree with but just didn't SAY anything because they were small and so not as important to her. Did she feel that because she TRIED to accept those other things she didn't like, that she DID accept you as you were, but the porn stuff and the insecurity-based stuff she just could NOT accept because to her, they were WRONG. And she may have thought that yes, she accepted you for who you were AS LONG as who you were was not something she considered was blatantly wrong in general. Like watching porn she seems to think is just wrong for anyone to do, no matter who they are. So how could she accept that part of you?

Secondly, she may have genuinely felt that she DID accept you for who you were, and that by her restricting you and trying to control you in certain ways was the ONLY way she COULD "accept" you (in her mind). Meaning her accepting you was her needing to control you so she was ABLE to accept you (but of course, this is NOT really accepting at all). Does that make sense?

Oh, and about the medication, give it at least a month, ok? It apparently takes 2-6 weeks to fully work and give the full effect.

Also, I'm on Zoloft (anti-depressant / anti-anxiety) and was also very nervous when I first started taking it, but I've been only taking HALF a pill each day. You're supposed to take 1 pill a day, but I halved it cause I was nervous, and I also felt I didn't NEED a full pill. And it's been really good. So...maybe try that...(though I wouldn't obviously recommend controlling your own dosage, cause neither of us are doctors so we don't really know what we're doing, but just in my case, half a pill has worked well).

yeah the whole not being able to just look at someone and find them hot and not have my ex freak out was so lame. it was so annoying. it was like her asking me to turn off my male instinct. so stupid. try that with the next guy and she'll find out just how better she had it with me b/c i guarantee he won't put up with it like i did. she "claims" that she knows i'm going to look. but she would get all upset when i would look at another woman in a sexual way. COME ON REALLY?? i'm sorry but i think it would be very boring if i didn't look at another person in a sexual way. but this doesn't mean that i'm having a full fledged porno going on in my head. it just mean't that i like what i see and yes there might be a tiny bit of imagination in my head from time to time. but who cares. hell i'm hetro and have had thoughts about what it would be like to go down on a dude BUT that doesn't make me want to be with that person. OR i even wondered what it feel like to shot someone dead (i'm not a looney) but that doesn't make me a murderer or even WANT to do something like that!!! but i agree....you stop looking, you're dead. EVERYONE LOOKS. if they say they don't then they're lying SO BAD.

i gathered that you were in a lesbian relationship and that is great. whatever makes you happy and as for you not knowing if you're gay or not, again thats great and who cares too. just going with the flow. but i am a bit confused by your ex. you say you have been with your partner for 12 years but did you have an affair with this guy WHILE you were with your partner? just confused by that.

my ex "claims" that she did not look while i was around.....i call bs on that and you know what?? i don't give a rats ass if she did check out another guy. doesn't bother me at all. she claimed that didn't look out of respect for me and thats great but also kinda NOT needed too. that just spells out to me that i better NOT look myself or else. now if she wouldn't stop talking about that guy for days then i might get a bit upset. but in general i KNOW that is SO SO normal. BUT she stated that she never looked at another man in a sexual way.....HUH? how is that possible. if she is looking at a hot guy how on earth can can she not have a sexual thought? and again, who the hell cares if you did. ITS. A. THOUGHT!! but she thought that every girl a saw i was running thru how i was going to plan on nailing her. lol. yes granted there were times when the thought would pop into my head, but you know what? thats MY private thought and i shouldn't have to share them with anyone. i would never ask her those things. for her she was like your "cyborg" and could find a good looking guy BUT block out the sexual part of it. how does someone do that?? is that even possible?? but again, i'm not planning on how i'm going to get with that girl. its just a feeling that you have when you wlak by someone who is hot as hell. thats the way i felt when i bumped into her for the first time. heck yeah when i met my ex the was a huge spark and yes i did have sexual thoughts. i used to kid around with her and tell her that when i first met her all i wanted to do was lick her butt in her hot ass jeans. she just looked so so hot in them. lol but i work at a college and i see tons of hot women but it doesn't mean that everyone of them is on my "i'm gonna hit that" list nor does it mean that i need to excuse myself to the mens rooms. no. i take it for what it was. there is a really hot girl/woman talking to me and i like what i see.

porn porn porn....its all over the internet. there was a time in my life wh i looked at A LOT of porn. it was a bit of a problem for me but i toned it WAY DOWN years b/f i ever met my ex. she just flat out rejected the whole idea about porn and thats ok. i never got on her about her not liking it. i liked it and she didn't. but i always made sure that she knew i respected her opinion about that topic. but it was not the same for me. she stated that i should not be looking at it if i'm in a relationship. now i do agree with that. she does have a point. BUT when you only get to see you g/f only 2-3 times a week then you need that release now and again. i did my best to "save it all" for her (lol) but sometimes i just needed a release. but i told her SO MANY times that if we lived together i would never have the need to look at it nor would i want to look at it. WHY? b/c i have her and i'm being pleased by her. i didn't look at porn b/c i was unhappy with my sex life with my ex. i used pron as a tool for pleasing me. the problem here too is that she would hardly ever send me pictures of herself so i could look at them rather than porn. i mean it makes sense. if you don't want me looking at porn to get off to, ten you gotta give me something. but i also told her that i would NEVER bring porn into her place. and i NEVER did. in fact, i never thought about porn when i was with my ex. i didn't need to. my ex turned me on enough that she was all i needed and i told her that SO MANY TIMES. but nothing worked. i feel like even if i hadn't lied to her about me looking at porn, she still would have busted my chops about it anyways. so odd. but in a lot of ways i liked to look at it b/c there were so many things i wanted to try with my ex from something that i had seen. but she hardly ever went for anything. oh well, the sex was still SUPER amazing....sorry for the TMI. lol

it does make sense what you're saying about her accepting me ONLY if she could control me. take the porn thing, she would accept me for who i am ONLY if i was not looking at it EVEN though she knew i really liked porn. she could accept me if i agreed NOT to look at other women in a sexual way. she could accept me for who i was BUT she def had to have control over a lot of things that i did that she didn't approve of. she tried to let go and let me do what i want but she got SUPER bitchy and out of control and hound me like crazy. THATS when i gave up the porn b/c i just couldn't stand to hear it anymore BUT more importantly i did it b/c i cared about her feelings and i wanted to show her that she mean't the world to me and i was willing to give in and make her happy.....even though i felt a little bit of resentment afterwards. for me it wasn't the porn per se. it was the principle that she was demanding me to stop looking at it and trying to control me even more. but the funny thing is even that wasn't enough. next it was maxim. ok no looking at that. then it was SI swimsuit. no lookie there either. then it was the from of a mag. NADA!! i hope i answered your question. that was deep!!! LOL

as for the meds, the dr has me on effexor. i'm going to start it tomorrow night and only take half a pill for a bit to let my body get used to it. then i'll bump it up to a full pill and see how i feel. i guess i better kiss my sex drive goodbye for a bit b/c i hear thats a HUGE side effect of this med as well as many other anti D meds. oh well. no gf right now so i guess i don't have to worry about that.

oh hears a funny thing in terms of my ex and meds. she HATED the fact that i had to take xanax for my anxiety. well my dr told me to take 1-2 pills daily. my ex would be ALL OVER me if i took 2. i tried so many times to tell her that i needed it b/c i was super stressed. i mean the med was there to help me. she felt that there were other ways to treat my anxiety. OH YEAH? tell me. i'm 41 and i have suffered with anxiety ALL my life. crap i worry about the direction the sun is going to rise. i worry about everything. so there were times when i would lie to her about me taking 2 just b/c i knew i was going to hear about it from her. she felt taking 2 was WAY too much. HUH? my dr gave me this script and i think she knows better than my ex about what is a good dosage for me. i mean i hate the fact that i have to take something to calm me down BUT oh well. thats life and i suffered for many years by NOT taking anything for my anxiety. you see the problem stemmed from this......her cousin killed himself for ODing on meds including xanax. but there is a HUGE diff between him and me. first off the guy was a drug addict. i'm not. second off he had serious mental issues. i don't. i CONSTANTLY told her that i was NOT her cousin and far from it. she would agree but only to shut me up so to speak. i know she was looking after me but i'm a grown man and i'm not going to become dependent on it and i'm not going to try to kill myself either. i just take it b/c i need to. if i had the option of NOT having to take it and feeling great with no worries than i would be ALL FOR THAT!! but the reality is that i suffer from anxiety and always will and i take something to help me out. have i upped my dosage since the BU? you bet but ONLY b/c my anxiety levels have been thru the roof ESP now that were in NC. but there was a time about a year ago that i wanted to go see someone and get some help with depression i was having NOT related to us. she was totally against the idea ONLY b/c she felt that all they were going to do was listen to me and then write out a rx for some meds. thats just so WRONG on so many levels. if i knew that the one person i love more than anything was suffering that bad then i would support them with WHATEVER they needed even if it mean't having to take something. so......thats another controlling factor of my good ol ex.

March 8, 2013

Hmm. I haven't got time right at the moment to comment on everything here, but I'll come back later for that. I did want to comment now on your ex's attitude towards your meds. It sounds like yet another controlling behaviour based on her existing insecurity.

SHE considers it "wrong" to take any medication like that, so she didn't want you doing it even if it was right for YOU.

She actually seems somewhat unable to view things from an objective point of view. Like everything has to be related back to HER in a way. Not saying she's self-obsessed or anything, but maybe she felt it was some kind of strange twisted insult to HER that you were so stressed you had to take medication. (and that's something else as well. She DID stress you out. She had to have, if you didn't feel you could even look or think things that were natural for you to do, in her presence. Or at all, even. In a way, although you'd obviously love spending time with her, being alone would be a bit of a RELIEF at times I expect, because you wouldn't have to be worried about how she was perceiving your natural actions, looks and thoughts.)

Like, she may have thought why must he take this WRONG medication while he's with me!? Why am I not ENOUGH to get him to be happy / not stressed??

March 9, 2013

Hmm. I haven't got time right at the moment to comment on everything here, but I'll come back later for that. I did want to comment now on your ex's attitude towards your meds. It sounds like yet another controlling behaviour based on her existing insecurity.

SHE considers it "wrong" to take any medication like that, so she didn't want you doing it even if it was right for YOU.

She actually seems somewhat unable to view things from an objective point of view. Like everything has to be related back to HER in a way. Not saying she's self-obsessed or anything, but maybe she felt it was some kind of strange twisted insult to HER that you were so stressed you had to take medication. (and that's something else as well. She DID stress you out. She had to have, if you didn't feel you could even look or think things that were natural for you to do, in her presence. Or at all, even. In a way, although you'd obviously love spending time with her, being alone would be a bit of a RELIEF at times I expect, because you wouldn't have to be worried about how she was perceiving your natural actions, looks and thoughts.)

Like, she may have thought why must he take this WRONG medication while he's with me!? Why am I not ENOUGH to get him to be happy / not stressed??

OMG......its almost like you repeated everything she said to me once. i CLEARLY remember her saying to me once that she can't understand why i would be stressed if we were hanging out and having fun. well my stress was just about life in general and i worried about EVERYTHING. they call it generalized anxiety disorder. i would tell that being with her made me super happy but my anxiety had nothing really to do with her BUT yes you're right she did cause me a lot of stress. also you are so right. there were so many times that i was so happy that we didn't live together b/c having my alone time allowed me to just be myself and not put up a front to please her. i think she thought i was going to OD on it like her cousin did. but i assured her that i NEEDED it. she would question why i took it if i didn't really notice a change in my mood when i took it. well i wasn't taking it to get high. but i do feel better when i do take it but i don't get all loopy and then feel better.

GOD i really wished i could have just been able to just be myself. there were so many times in the beginning part of our relationship that i tried to be myself but i soon saw what she found acceptable in her eyes and i would change myself to fit her mold. sucks but it happened.

"am i not enough to make you happy?".....you sound just like her.

well i'm slowly torturing myself by looking her up on FB and i'm finding myself doing it more and more. i really need to stop this crap and just move on. i so sick of dwelling on thoughts of her ALL THE TIME. it just sucks. she dominates my thought pattern. i guess thats normal but somewhere along the line i need to just give up and to put the past behind me.

i really wished i could find some hot girl, take pictures of us hanging out and post them somewhere so she would see them just so i can make her feel like crap for breaking up with me. i know thats mean but i'm starting to get a little ticked at her for all the pain she has put me thru. its bad enough that she BU with me but then she kept me hanging like we were still together and i was stupid enough to give in to her. i held back SO MANY times talking to other girls on a recent cruise i went on alone. i only did this so i didn't ever ruin my chance to get back with her and also b/c she was send a TON of mixed signals to me. BOY WAS THAT DUMB!!! i feel so used right now. i hope she's proud of herself for the hurt she has caused me. the BU and the crap afterwards. i should have just told her not to talk to me UNLESS you want to get back together. but i didn't b/c i'm super stupid and i got hurt again. i'll never do that again.

March 9, 2013

Nah, see, finding some hot girl and posting pictures of you and her to make your ex feel bad is STILL you hanging onto this pain you've been feeling. Doing anything for HER benefit (or lack thereof) and not for YOUR own independent benefit and desire is still holding onto HER and everything you felt surrounding this relationship ending. And that's really hard to move on from, but eventually it DOES get easier, believe me.

And yeah, I sometimes can get into other people's heads a bit (even when I don't know them) and understand where they may be coming from, like her not feeling good enough because you had Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Ugh. It's not ALL about her, but she couldn't relate to that because of her own insecurity and anxiety (SHE may have had some sort of anxiety disorder. I thought that a while back. Because she has to use all these controlling behaviours and mechanisms and her opinions are quite narrow minded and this can imply some fairly high level of anxiety.)

And also grouping you (and anyone else taking medication) and her cousin who OD'd on meds, that's just narrow minded again. Over-generalising. AND not being able to understand that you weren't on medication to get HIGH for goodness sake, but just to FUNCTION ok in your life! My Zoloft that I take, I don't feel anything much from it. In fact, sometimes I wonder if it's even DOING anything anymore! But I still take it because most of the time I feel pretty ok and so...it's most likely stabilising me. I've smoked pot before. Quite a lot in my "younger days", heheh (I'm 34 now) and it's just NOT the same thing at ALL!

Refusing to try to understand other's situations and points of view hints at the fact they're too SCARED to. Because it threatens them. She is like that. Didn't want to even begin to put herself in your shoes. Not about the porn. Not about the looking at other people for innocent fun / nothing enjoyment. Not about the medication thing. Cause she wasn't able to. It was beyond her comfort zone.

March 9, 2013

Oh, and another thought - how you said that at first you tried to be yourself around her but quickly learnt what she deemed acceptable and what she didn't...if you, early on, modified your behaviour around her, she MAY have just assumed THAT was your true self. The modified, restricted, altered version. And she may have either thought that this was who you truly were so YAY! All good! (until it wasn't) OR she may have knew deep down that you maybe were changing yourself for her a bit, to make her happy and comfortable and to "fit" better with what she wanted, and (a) she just LET herself go along with this because it was easier for her, and (b) maybe this is also why she WAS so paranoid about what you were REALLY thinking all the time, and stuff. Maybe she was scared because she knew deep down you WEREN'T being yourself, and so...she maybe even wondered who you WERE deep down. And that may have scared her.

March 10, 2013

Nah, see, finding some hot girl and posting pictures of you and her to make your ex feel bad is STILL you hanging onto this pain you've been feeling. Doing anything for HER benefit (or lack thereof) and not for YOUR own independent benefit and desire is still holding onto HER and everything you felt surrounding this relationship ending. And that's really hard to move on from, but eventually it DOES get easier, believe me.

And yeah, I sometimes can get into other people's heads a bit (even when I don't know them) and understand where they may be coming from, like her not feeling good enough because you had Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Ugh. It's not ALL about her, but she couldn't relate to that because of her own insecurity and anxiety (SHE may have had some sort of anxiety disorder. I thought that a while back. Because she has to use all these controlling behaviours and mechanisms and her opinions are quite narrow minded and this can imply some fairly high level of anxiety.)

And also grouping you (and anyone else taking medication) and her cousin who OD'd on meds, that's just narrow minded again. Over-generalising. AND not being able to understand that you weren't on medication to get HIGH for goodness sake, but just to FUNCTION ok in your life! My Zoloft that I take, I don't feel anything much from it. In fact, sometimes I wonder if it's even DOING anything anymore! But I still take it because most of the time I feel pretty ok and so...it's most likely stabilising me. I've smoked pot before. Quite a lot in my "younger days", heheh (I'm 34 now) and it's just NOT the same thing at ALL!

Refusing to try to understand other's situations and points of view hints at the fact they're too SCARED to. Because it threatens them. She is like that. Didn't want to even begin to put herself in your shoes. Not about the porn. Not about the looking at other people for innocent fun / nothing enjoyment. Not about the medication thing. Cause she wasn't able to. It was beyond her comfort zone.

i'll comment on these in a bit but right now i'm going out for a ride alone. i'm feeling SUPER depressed today. i just got out of a shower where i cried the whole time. i feel like i'm losing it. i feel so lost w/o my ex here. i'm so scared. my life has been turned upside down. i just don't know how to work thru this pain anymore.

March 10, 2013

Nah, see, finding some hot girl and posting pictures of you and her to make your ex feel bad is STILL you hanging onto this pain you've been feeling. Doing anything for HER benefit (or lack thereof) and not for YOUR own independent benefit and desire is still holding onto HER and everything you felt surrounding this relationship ending. And that's really hard to move on from, but eventually it DOES get easier, believe me.

And yeah, I sometimes can get into other people's heads a bit (even when I don't know them) and understand where they may be coming from, like her not feeling good enough because you had Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Ugh. It's not ALL about her, but she couldn't relate to that because of her own insecurity and anxiety (SHE may have had some sort of anxiety disorder. I thought that a while back. Because she has to use all these controlling behaviours and mechanisms and her opinions are quite narrow minded and this can imply some fairly high level of anxiety.)

And also grouping you (and anyone else taking medication) and her cousin who OD'd on meds, that's just narrow minded again. Over-generalising. AND not being able to understand that you weren't on medication to get HIGH for goodness sake, but just to FUNCTION ok in your life! My Zoloft that I take, I don't feel anything much from it. In fact, sometimes I wonder if it's even DOING anything anymore! But I still take it because most of the time I feel pretty ok and so...it's most likely stabilising me. I've smoked pot before. Quite a lot in my "younger days", heheh (I'm 34 now) and it's just NOT the same thing at ALL!

Refusing to try to understand other's situations and points of view hints at the fact they're too SCARED to. Because it threatens them. She is like that. Didn't want to even begin to put herself in your shoes. Not about the porn. Not about the looking at other people for innocent fun / nothing enjoyment. Not about the medication thing. Cause she wasn't able to. It was beyond her comfort zone.

i see what you mean about not doing anything like posting of myself with someone else. it makes sense. i think for me, i'm just lashing out at her and saying YOU messed up by letting me go. but i don't want to stoop to her maturity level. but it would be kinda funny thought. but i do see where you're coming from in terms of doing something to benefit ME. if it doesn't then there is just not point it.

she knew i had this condition but didn't really help me feel more comfortable by not busting my chops more and more. HATED IT!! it always had to seem like it was all about her and not the issues that i was struggling with.

the med thing was SUCH a hot topic to discuss with her. it was a heated topic like the porn. she was just SO into my private life. its ok to look after someone and make sure they are not abusing it but there is another (the ex) where they are over the top about their opinions. that was her all the way. she would always say that she didn't want me to become dependent on them but to me i had struggled ALL my life with anxiety and so i wanted to take my life back and get the stress under control. but it wasn't fair to put me in the same class as her cousin. she always stated that she wasn't doing that but i didn't buy it b/c she just wouldn't let up. she would ask me almost everyday how many i took. what are you my mother?? and then she would question why i was filling the rx sooner than before. so right off the bat she felt i was abusing it. no, my stress level was much higher and i NEEDED to take it. but i'm like you, sometimes i take it and i don't feel that its doing anything. but i know it is.

i NEVER felt like she liked to see my side of the story. it was always ME ME ME. after a while i would just stop expressing my opinion b/c i just knew she would put it down and then turn into a huge fight. but i can see how that might scare her but it shouldn't have.

i should have been myself from DAY 1. but i didn't and i'm stupid for it. i just really liked her when we first met and i just didn't want to lose her. but i can see how she might see me in a different light b/c i changed my ideals for her. and i can also see how she would be afraid of "the real me". but to be honest with you, i'm a really nice guy and have a good head on my shoulders. so she should have just gone with who i really was and not someone else BUT thats my fault too. i can promise you that it will NEVER happen again. what you see and interact with, is what you get. no more being someone i'm not. if someone doesn't like it then oh well. i mean i'll make some little changes. i think you have to do that in order for it to work. it can't be all about you. but i won't turn into a totally different person for anyone. i just want to be myself.......

someone said something to me tonight that made SO much sense to me. he said that my ex didn't BU with me b/c i lied or that she couldn't trust me anymore. no, he stated that she BU with me b/c she was too immature to handle the situation and felt that it would just be easier for her to push me away. made so much sense to me.

March 11, 2013

I'm sorry you're having a harder time right now. Hopefully your meds will start to kick in soon and you'll feel a bit better, at least.

I don't think your ex even realised that by her making you feel like you were doing / feeling something WRONG in terms of your anxiety, that it would've made your anxiety (and self esteem) WORSE. It's pretty much the worse thing you can do is judge and criticise someone going through emotional issues. And yeah, I don't think she was even capable of understanding that everything was not about HER.

And that's quite bad that she felt she had to try to control and watch over about how many pills you'd taken. If she was TRULY worried (and she SHOULD have tried a LOT harder to separate her past experience wth her cousin and her experience with you), she should have openly and calmly discussed it with you and if she was STILL incredibly worried, she should have talked to the doctor about it WITH you.

Again, this is her not trusting you. Not just with things to do with her, but with ANYTHING (the pills, in this case). But I think because everything WAS about her (in her mind), you "abusing" pills was seen as hurting HER.

Nah, you're not stupid for not being your true self from day 1. Many people alter themselves a little at first to match up better with the person they're infatuated or developing romantic feelings for. You want to be what they want, you know? But usually it's not a big problem.

What that person said to you about your ex not being able to handle the situation is completely true. What I've said before about her not being able to trust you "anymore" (in her words), and how she'd NEVER been able to trust because of her own issues, yeah, this is all based in insecurity and fear, which doesn't automatically mean immaturity, but in her case, the ways she DEALT with those issues was immature.

March 11, 2013

I'm sorry you're having a harder time right now. Hopefully your meds will start to kick in soon and you'll feel a bit better, at least.

I don't think your ex even realised that by her making you feel like you were doing / feeling something WRONG in terms of your anxiety, that it would've made your anxiety (and self esteem) WORSE. It's pretty much the worse thing you can do is judge and criticise someone going through emotional issues. And yeah, I don't think she was even capable of understanding that everything was not about HER.

And that's quite bad that she felt she had to try to control and watch over about how many pills you'd taken. If she was TRULY worried (and she SHOULD have tried a LOT harder to separate her past experience wth her cousin and her experience with you), she should have openly and calmly discussed it with you and if she was STILL incredibly worried, she should have talked to the doctor about it WITH you.

Again, this is her not trusting you. Not just with things to do with her, but with ANYTHING (the pills, in this case). But I think because everything WAS about her (in her mind), you "abusing" pills was seen as hurting HER.

Nah, you're not stupid for not being your true self from day 1. Many people alter themselves a little at first to match up better with the person they're infatuated or developing romantic feelings for. You want to be what they want, you know? But usually it's not a big problem.

What that person said to you about your ex not being able to handle the situation is completely true. What I've said before about her not being able to trust you "anymore" (in her words), and how she'd NEVER been able to trust because of her own issues, yeah, this is all based in insecurity and fear, which doesn't automatically mean immaturity, but in her case, the ways she DEALT with those issues was immature.

i haven't started taking them yet i'm so worried they are going to make me feel like crap and i don't want to feel any worse than i already do. i think i'll start this week sometime when i'm ready to tackle it, so to speak.

yeah, its strange but i was a diff person when i was around her. i felt uptight, not in the beginning but more near the middle up till the BU. i just felt like i had to be the one she wanted me to be b/c i didn't want to cause anymore issues and get into a big fight.

i never did tell you that i gave up a friendship b/c of my ex. here it is....in the relationship i was in prior to my ex, i had reconnected with a longtime high school friend (girl) via FB. all was well and we talked a lot about old times. but my friend was very flirty. i was flirty back but only in a joking way b/c i'm not the cheating type person at all. well one night i was drunk and i said something along the lines of saying that i wanted to hook up with her on FB IM and she said stuff back too. now keep in mind that she lived and still lives in chicago and i live in florida. well i got offline and basically freaked out b/c i felt horrible about what i said to her and it was brushed to the side. fast forward to my ex. she knew that i had this friend and she was a girl. one day she asked me if i had ever been flirty to her. i DID admit to her what had happened but ASSURED her that it NEVER and would NEVER happen while i was with my ex. she seemed to take it ok and was understanding that i made a mistake. well she was no me from that point on. every text, every call, every email was looked over so carefully. but again a ASSURED her that i didn't have ANY feelings for this person and that it was just a mistake that happened. my ex even accused me of hiding texts from her. part of that is true but only b/c my friend was very open about the sex she had with her husband and after a bit i had to tell her to stop doing that b/c it was making it difficult for me and that i didn't really need to know all the juicy details. you know? she said ok an stopped but my ex was still on me. ALL THE TIME. so after awhile i had to just stop talking to my friend all b/c my ex was riding me like crazy. i never once thought about EVER cheating on my ex. not once. i just found it sad that. i basically had to tell my friend that i couldn't talk to her anymore b/c it made my ex feel unease. i thought it was nuts and so did my friend b/c i told my friend that i loved my ex so much and wanted NOTHING to do with what had happened in the past. my friend agreed b/c she was happy that i found love in my life and didn't want to cause any issues. but she found it crazy that we could no longer talk. i was so sad that i had to do it but for me it was like taking one monkey off my back but putting another one there. THEN my ex say that it was for the best but then several months later tell me that she didn't have ANY problem with me talking to my friend (yeah right). i told my ex nope and that was that.....so sad. CONTROL FREAK!!!

March 11, 2013

thank you for your reply. i understand what you're saying. it does hurt like HELL. everything i do to try to move on is a struggle. i just want to "feel" again. i feel so numb. its so hard to stay at work. i have a hard time sleeping. the funny thing is that all this happened 5 months ago. it just only been a week that we have been in NC. THAT'S the hard part for me. the breakup hurt so so bad but the NC is 100X worse. its like she's dead and i can no longer see her or talk to her. i keep asking myself what i could have done to save US. i beat myself up with all the mistakes that i've made in the relationship. i think the part that bothers me the most is that she may not love me anymore and this is a person i thought would love me forever. so i guess i'll never know and honestly i don't think i want to know......

Oh man I feel exactly the same. So similar. It's so surreal isn't it? It's like a bad dream that you feel you will wake up from.

NC feels like emotional chemotherapy.

March 11, 2013

Good luck when you do start on the meds. Fingers crossed you won’t get many / any side effects and you’ll start to feel a bit better.

It’s interesting when you say towards the end of the relationship you were a bit of a different person, all up tight and tense and stuff. I was like that too towards the end of my own relationship, and know of several others who were the same. I think this is something that can happen quite gradually and we don’t even notice how unhappy we really are until way later…even though we still wish to have them back again.

Wow, see I’d never have given up a friendship (that really was JUST a friendship) for a relationship! I would just have to FORCE my partner to see properly the situation – that there is NO threat, and NOTHING is going on!

When my first ever girlfriend and I broke up in early 2001 (she’s my only other ex and we’re still best friends), she was falling in love with another girl at that stage, and they got together soon after. We were 22 and this girl was 17. 8 months later, we (just my best friend and I) went away for a week vacation that we’d booked from before we broke up. We didn’t see a reason not to. We had been best friends since age 14 and we continued to be just as close, and there was NOTHING going on between us now. She was in love with this new girl. I had also fallen in love with my current partner online and would be meeting her in person for the first time just days after my best friend and I finished our vacation together. But her girlfriend FREAKED OUT about us spending time together alone on this vacation. My friend took photos of the hotel room to show her we had 2 separate beds. Lol. The girl called her every single night, crying for hours and convinced we would get back together and that I was a huge threat. I had actually tried to talk to her before we left, to reassure her nothing was ever going to happen and both of us found the idea just…weird. We were like sisters now. It’d be wrong to do anything like that again. But it didn’t work. She was freaked out by my presence as “best friend” in her girlfriend’s life for 2 YEARS although by that stage we were close friends also. She really liked me, she said. She just wished I hadn’t been her girlfriend’s ex as well. She did eventually get over it, and my friend never once even contemplated ending our friendship for her. She didn’t feel she had a reason to, and I’m glad cause I love her! (as a friend only). Lol.

Sometimes if you pander to the insecure and threatened control freak’s demands, they just get worse and they never learn how to feel ok WITHOUT being controlling.

March 11, 2013

Oh man I feel exactly the same. So similar. It's so surreal isn't it? It's like a bad dream that you feel you will wake up from.

NC feels like emotional chemotherapy.

thats a good way to think about it. to me its like drug rehab and she was the drug. it sucks.

March 11, 2013

Good luck when you do start on the meds. Fingers crossed you won’t get many / any side effects and you’ll start to feel a bit better.

It’s interesting when you say towards the end of the relationship you were a bit of a different person, all up tight and tense and stuff. I was like that too towards the end of my own relationship, and know of several others who were the same. I think this is something that can happen quite gradually and we don’t even notice how unhappy we really are until way later…even though we still wish to have them back again.

Wow, see I’d never have given up a friendship (that really was JUST a friendship) for a relationship! I would just have to FORCE my partner to see properly the situation – that there is NO threat, and NOTHING is going on!

When my first ever girlfriend and I broke up in early 2001 (she’s my only other ex and we’re still best friends), she was falling in love with another girl at that stage, and they got together soon after. We were 22 and this girl was 17. 8 months later, we (just my best friend and I) went away for a week vacation that we’d booked from before we broke up. We didn’t see a reason not to. We had been best friends since age 14 and we continued to be just as close, and there was NOTHING going on between us now. She was in love with this new girl. I had also fallen in love with my current partner online and would be meeting her in person for the first time just days after my best friend and I finished our vacation together. But her girlfriend FREAKED OUT about us spending time together alone on this vacation. My friend took photos of the hotel room to show her we had 2 separate beds. Lol. The girl called her every single night, crying for hours and convinced we would get back together and that I was a huge threat. I had actually tried to talk to her before we left, to reassure her nothing was ever going to happen and both of us found the idea just…weird. We were like sisters now. It’d be wrong to do anything like that again. But it didn’t work. She was freaked out by my presence as “best friend” in her girlfriend’s life for 2 YEARS although by that stage we were close friends also. She really liked me, she said. She just wished I hadn’t been her girlfriend’s ex as well. She did eventually get over it, and my friend never once even contemplated ending our friendship for her. She didn’t feel she had a reason to, and I’m glad cause I love her! (as a friend only). Lol.

Sometimes if you pander to the insecure and threatened control freak’s demands, they just get worse and they never learn how to feel ok WITHOUT being controlling.

yeah the meds are going to suck but i gotta breakdown and do it. it just that i don't want to add anything extra to my life but i know its needed for me to start taking these.

as for my old friend, there was NOTHING there at all. at one time there was when i was with my ex ex but that was only b/c i was so unhappy in that relationship and also that we had rekindled an old friendship. at first she was really playful but in a joking way and after some time i was too. i had mentioned to her that i had liked her back in HS and that she didn't like me. well the more we talked the more flirty it got. the thing is that i know for a fact that if she had been standing right in front of me i wouldn't have done anything with her b/c i just don't cheat.....until that one night. i had SO MUCH guilt and regret that i said what i said and it NEVER happened again. i mean after that happened i called my friend and was in tears telling that i was so sorry that i said all that. after that it was forgotten. so when the current ex asked me if i had ever cheated bf i told her no b/c i felt that it was just and honest mistake. i had been drinking and it got out of control and it never happened again and i ASSURED her that it never happened when i was with her and it NEVER EVER EVER would. she seemed ok with it but she still didn't trust me. i can kinda see why she would feel that way only b/c if i found out that she had cheated in the past for "real" then i would be a tiny bit wary. but you have to trust that person. for me, it was annoying b/c i loved my ex SO SO much that i would never do anything like that to put our relationship at risk. so for me, my friend was someone i would talk to about some of the issues that i might be having with my ex. she would give me the female version of things.....a lot like you i spoke to my friend only b/c 1) i don't have a lot of friends to turn to about stuff like this and 2) i wanted to keep it out of the family for fear that they might have a bad image of my ex. but there really wasn't ANY feelings towards my friend at all. i was totally 100% butt ass crazy in love with my ex and she was the only person that i wanted or desired. hands down. but nothing i could say to her would keep her at bay, so to speak. she would just keep bringing it up and the thing that killed me is that NOTHING ever happened between my friend and i when i was with my ex. now my ex claims that i was flirty with my friend at the very beginning of our relationship but i don't remember that and i can't understand WHY on earth i would do something like that. to me i think she was either making it up or it was just a misunderstanding. you see my friend and i were nothing more than just friends. thats it. and if we kid around then thats all it was. but like i said i had to give it up ONLY b/c she was on me all the time and i felt that something had to go...... here's another thing.....when my friend came down to visit the area for a couple of weeks i avoided her like the plague all b/c my ex was all over me about it. at first i had planned on seeing her to just hang out and play some darts or something but i just couldn't deal with all the pressure was giving me. i mean i had given her NO NONE NADA reason for her to feel like something was going to go down. my ex "WAS IT" in terms of what i desired. but again nothing i said made any diff at all and i didn't get to see her. i t was my choice but my mind was made up for me.

she even kinda freaked out that i had asked a "girl" from work to just hang out right after i BU with my ex ex. it was that stage where you're not taken yet. kinda like the "i can date whomever i want" stage. but AGAIN i had to assure her that when i met my ex she was the only person i wanted to be with. my friend at work was just someone i wanted to hang out with b/c i was bored and i thought it would be fun to go play some miniature golf or something along those lines.

yeah that thing with your situation is messed up. i see why she did what she did but the was NO need for it at all. she should have just trusted you guys and left it alone and taken it for what it was.......a "friendship" vaca. it sucks b/c it prob put a damper on the vaca a bit and made the both of you feel a bit odd and having to watch your every move so she didn't get all over you about it. that sucks. people just can't trust each other anymore and it sucks. i'm sorry she kinda ruined the vaca for you.....BTW, where did you go?

March 12, 2013

Try to be positive about the new meds when you start. Instead of knowing they’re going to suck, try to hope that they WON’T suck and it’ll all be fine and instead of having to add an extra thing to deal with in your life, try to view it as making your life EASIER because you’ll feel better.

It DID kind of put a dampener on the vaca with my best friend all those years ago. It already was a BIT weird because for the last 3 years prior, we’d gone on that exact same vaca (same place, same hotel, same time of year) so this specific time we were now in separate beds (which was fine with me), and had her gf calling in tears for hours every night so we couldn’t just relax and watch videos and TV and eat a heap of junk food. Lol.

We actually went to the place where I now live. The Gold Coast in the state of Queensland in Australia. (I used to live in Melbourne and would come up here for vacations. It’s pretty much like Australia’s version of Miami)

I was thinking last night, your ex would either need to seriously work on her issues before even trying to find a new relationship, OR she would need to find someone who just happened to naturally have absolutely NO interest in porn EVER, who had the sex drive of a pea in terms of noticing any other girls, who ONLY was interested in her and whose every waking thought was perfectly innocent and acceptable to her, so she wouldn’t need to be paranoid. But I mean…that’s pretty unlikely to happen.

March 12, 2013

Try to be positive about the new meds when you start. Instead of knowing they’re going to suck, try to hope that they WON’T suck and it’ll all be fine and instead of having to add an extra thing to deal with in your life, try to view it as making your life EASIER because you’ll feel better.

It DID kind of put a dampener on the vaca with my best friend all those years ago. It already was a BIT weird because for the last 3 years prior, we’d gone on that exact same vaca (same place, same hotel, same time of year) so this specific time we were now in separate beds (which was fine with me), and had her gf calling in tears for hours every night so we couldn’t just relax and watch videos and TV and eat a heap of junk food. Lol.

We actually went to the place where I now live. The Gold Coast in the state of Queensland in Australia. (I used to live in Melbourne and would come up here for vacations. It’s pretty much like Australia’s version of Miami)

I was thinking last night, your ex would either need to seriously work on her issues before even trying to find a new relationship, OR she would need to find someone who just happened to naturally have absolutely NO interest in porn EVER, who had the sex drive of a pea in terms of noticing any other girls, who ONLY was interested in her and whose every waking thought was perfectly innocent and acceptable to her, so she wouldn’t need to be paranoid. But I mean…that’s pretty unlikely to happen.

ok. i took your advice and started my meds tonight on a full stomach and close to bedtime. cross your fingers. i'm supposed to take 75 mg bit i'm going to start out taking 25 mg for a few days and then to 50 mg for a few more and then all the way to 75 mg. its going to KILL my sex drive but thats ok b/c i'm not having sex right now and don't see that happening right now anyways....lol. but i'll try to stay positive. i just want to feel better b/c i was just driving home and heard a song that made me sad and i started bawling.

eating tons of junk food and staying up late is all part of a perfect vaca and should not be ruined by a jealous gf.

god i would LOVE to visit your country. it would be the best vaca EVER. it sounds so nice there. its weird that you're halfway around the world. you are my furthest friend....if i may call you that. i can't wait to get home sometimes to hear some more of your wisdom. i hope you're not getting sick of me? i'm no always this negative. sorry

honestly, i hope she regrets ever leaving me. i'm not trying be mean when i say that. i'm just being honest. i want her to be happy but she will never get help and she will never find that perfect guy. i've said that to her and she assured me that there a guy out there for her that will be able to live up to her standards. good luck with that. god forbid the guy makes ANY mistake b/c it will just start the whole cycle of untrust all over again. it just sucks that i had to be her test subject. i was thinking about it on the way home and i kept asking myself why she couldn't just FORGIVE me and let it go. i truly am not a bad guy at all. yes i have my moment when i can be a dick but what person doesn't act like that from time to time? it just sucks that it didn't work out like i wanted it to b/c i had SO MANY dreams for us. but now some other guy is going to living MY dreams and it breaks my heart when i think about it. i can't get her out of my mind no matter what i do. everything reminds me of her. i just miss her like CRAZY. people say i'm nuts for feeling that way after the way she treated me but LOVE works like that.

i was also thinking about how i never got to tell her that she will always be in my heart and that i wish her all the best. but its too late and i don't want to break NC again. it hurt way too much.

wow the meds are kicking in already......i can feel it.

i really wished that i could find some nice girl to just hang out with. nothing serious. just someone that i like but not get into anything right now. simple things like putt putt golf or just going to an arcade. just someone i can have fun with. it's WAY to soon for another gf but i just want to feel like someone out there likes my company. i was talking to this really sweet girl the other day in a beach shopping center i go to so i can relax. she was so nice and very pretty but she was way too young for me (23, i think) and i'm not ready right now. but it was just nice to just talk and interact with someone other than my few friends that i have. i wanted to see how i would feel around girls and trying to talk to them. i guess i still have it but again i'm not ready. it sucks b/c i want to feel loved again so bad......

March 12, 2013

That sounds good, sort of gradually increasing the dose up to the recommended amount. Good luck, my friend!

I found my Zoloft actually didn’t kill my sex drive (not that it matters, lo).

And yes, of course you may call me your friend! That makes me smile. I am VERY far away, yes (it certainly felt way too far away when I was still with my ex, who’s in New Jersey), but Australia is very similar to the US in most ways. Same sort of TV shows, same looking streets, same looking people, a lot of the same brands, etc.

And nah, I’m not sick of you at all. I am often very negative too, so I know how it feels.

No. There is probably NO guy out there who will meet her standards because they’re only her standards because of her fears and insecurities. She may THINK someone is living up to her standards but most likely deep down, THEY will not be happy with how things are going in the relationship. They will feel they have to hide things (innocent things), alter their behaviour so she doesn’t make things difficult for them by being so paranoid.

How old is she, by the way? Not sure if I asked this or if you mentioned it before.

It IS hard to let go of all the dreams you had for the future with her, yes. I know how this feels too. But see, I find a lot of the time, when we look forward into the future and hope and expect happy, good times, it’s kind of ignoring the current issues present in the relationship. And when you feel right now that you miss her and wish you could be with her again, WOULD you still be prepared to be with her if absolutely NOTHING changed? Like she’d still be exactly the same as she was and you still felt exactly the same as you did? You might think that’d be preferable to how you feel NOW, but…you’d most likely just end up right back where you are now all over again because those same issues and problems would still exist.

And you’re right – love DOES work like that. You can’t just switch it off. I’m the same with my ex. He is ALWAYS on my mind in some way. Like he’s all around me, all the time. But for me, 80% of the time it’s not BAD feelings. It’s just love, warmth and often missing the times we had, but I know the situation meant that we couldn’t continue to be together the way we were. So…you know…

I love putt putt golf!! Lol. I’ve been playing it a few times a year since I was 2 years old, heheh.

That 23 year old girl you talked to…if you were still with your ex, you know what’d happen if she knew about it, don’t you? She would NOT be happy!

Also, you want to feel loved again…I know. Everyone does. It’s SO hard to have that removed from your life. It’s like part of your very soul has been ripped out. Try to remember that you ARE still loved, by all the people who loved you before and during your relationship. And SHE probably still loves you in her own way, but that doesn’t change the problems you and her had. You are a loveable person, and a decent, worthwhile human being. That’s all you can be. And try to love yourself, you know?

March 12, 2013

That sounds good, sort of gradually increasing the dose up to the recommended amount. Good luck, my friend!

I found my Zoloft actually didn’t kill my sex drive (not that it matters, lo).

And yes, of course you may call me your friend! That makes me smile. I am VERY far away, yes (it certainly felt way too far away when I was still with my ex, who’s in New Jersey), but Australia is very similar to the US in most ways. Same sort of TV shows, same looking streets, same looking people, a lot of the same brands, etc.

And nah, I’m not sick of you at all. I am often very negative too, so I know how it feels.

No. There is probably NO guy out there who will meet her standards because they’re only her standards because of her fears and insecurities. She may THINK someone is living up to her standards but most likely deep down, THEY will not be happy with how things are going in the relationship. They will feel they have to hide things (innocent things), alter their behaviour so she doesn’t make things difficult for them by being so paranoid.

How old is she, by the way? Not sure if I asked this or if you mentioned it before.

It IS hard to let go of all the dreams you had for the future with her, yes. I know how this feels too. But see, I find a lot of the time, when we look forward into the future and hope and expect happy, good times, it’s kind of ignoring the current issues present in the relationship. And when you feel right now that you miss her and wish you could be with her again, WOULD you still be prepared to be with her if absolutely NOTHING changed? Like she’d still be exactly the same as she was and you still felt exactly the same as you did? You might think that’d be preferable to how you feel NOW, but…you’d most likely just end up right back where you are now all over again because those same issues and problems would still exist.

And you’re right – love DOES work like that. You can’t just switch it off. I’m the same with my ex. He is ALWAYS on my mind in some way. Like he’s all around me, all the time. But for me, 80% of the time it’s not BAD feelings. It’s just love, warmth and often missing the times we had, but I know the situation meant that we couldn’t continue to be together the way we were. So…you know…

I love putt putt golf!! Lol. I’ve been playing it a few times a year since I was 2 years old, heheh.

That 23 year old girl you talked to…if you were still with your ex, you know what’d happen if she knew about it, don’t you? She would NOT be happy!

Also, you want to feel loved again…I know. Everyone does. It’s SO hard to have that removed from your life. It’s like part of your very soul has been ripped out. Try to remember that you ARE still loved, by all the people who loved you before and during your relationship. And SHE probably still loves you in her own way, but that doesn’t change the problems you and her had. You are a loveable person, and a decent, worthwhile human being. That’s all you can be. And try to love yourself, you know?

my friend... i love the sound of that that makes me smile too :) see. maybe one day when i'm down under i could look you up. do you SKYPE? i was trying to figure out how to post my picture on this site but it keeps saying that i don't have admin right to do so.

i'm just wondering what you think i look like. can you picture me in your head? you know how you've never seen someone but only chatted with them like we have but have never seen them and wonder what they look like? just curious.

my ex will be 26 in may. i'm sure that explains a lot. to me i think my ex was mature for her age for the most part. but after all this happened i decided that i needed to find someone a little bit closer to my age. i think that would help with a lot of the issues i had with my ex. too young...30+ should be just fine. but i really don't like women my age or close to my age. i'm just really young at heart and def don't feel my age at all.

i see what you mean about wanting to be back together and it being the same thing. i think for me i'm living in a dream world and she is all better and calls me up and says she has changed and wants me back. i think i just really miss the way things used to be in the beginning. i miss snuggling with her. kissing her. just holding her. those things never made me uptight. i craved it.

well you and your partner need to come to madeira beach, florida, we'll get a cool condo on that beach and have some fun and play putt putt every night night. are you game for that?? plz come don't make me beg

i know deep down inside that i'm loved. i just want it from her i guess. i ALWAYS wonder if she still loves me and thinks about me on a daily basis or if she has erased me from her memory. i get so scared to think about that stuff. it would break my heart again know that i'm just distant memory soon to be forgotten.

speaking of bring worried that i would forget about her. every time i went on one of my alone trips she would always ask me not to "forget" about her. isn't that some **** when she wants NC after all those mixed signals. i just sucks so bad that she would do that and then pull the rug out from under me. i would NEVER do that to someone....

March 12, 2013

Hmm. 26. She’s old enough to have some pretty severe emotional baggage but perhaps not mature enough to know that SHE has to ultimately deal with it as opposed to expecting someone else to.

When I got together with my partner, I was only 22 and she was 39. So that’s a bit of an age gap too, right? Almost the same gap as you and your ex. But we’ve never had a specific problem with that, which is good. Except that maybe now I’m 34, I’ve changed a lot in terms of what I want and now I don’t know if I’m in a relationship that’s right for me anymore. A lot can change between your early 20s and your mid 30s.

I’ve never skyped in my life. Lol. I don’t know how it works!

You know…when I first saw your username here, I thought you were that other person on the other section of this forum, and I thought you were an older woman. Lol. Then when I read your story I realised you were a guy. Then I realised you weren’t the person I thought you were. And then I kept feeling like you were younger than 41. So NOW? I have NO idea how I’d picture you! Lol. At first I pictured a sandy darkish blonde haired fairly tallish but not too tall guy. But now I’m getting brown hair. Lol. You already can see what I look like from my avatar pic.

Yeah, that’s why it’s so hard to let go of a relationship that DID have quite a lot of good points. Because they’re what you miss, and once it’s ALL gone, you don’t have to deal with the bad stuff anymore and so you tend just to focus on the stuff you miss…but if you WERE together, and WHEN you were together, you weren’t 100% happy and you wouldn’t be again in the future, because it’s never ALL just good stuff.

Now, this will be hard to hear and I don’t think I’d want to accept it about my own ex either, but it’s the truth and it’s easier to say it and believe it when it’s referring to someone else (like you) than about yourself, but…it does not MATTER if your ex loves you or not. It doesn’t change anything about YOU as a person who is loved and deserving of love. If she loves you or doesn’t love you, it doesn’t change anything, and it doesn’t change you. The experience of your relationship with her and your feelings for her changed you, but whether she loves you or not does not change you, and it is no longer relevant. As hard as that is to grasp.

Having said that, however, I strongly believe she does love you and really did love you during your time together.

And yeah, you would never pull the rug out from under anyone and just BU with them abruptly, but everyone’s different, and to them, their own feelings and opinions and ways of dealing with things are valid for them, no matter how hard it is for us to understand.

And ok, I’ve already booked the flight so I’ll be in Florida in 2 days, ok? Meet me at the airport. LOL.

March 12, 2013

Hmm. 26. She’s old enough to have some pretty severe emotional baggage but perhaps not mature enough to know that SHE has to ultimately deal with it as opposed to expecting someone else to.

When I got together with my partner, I was only 22 and she was 39. So that’s a bit of an age gap too, right? Almost the same gap as you and your ex. But we’ve never had a specific problem with that, which is good. Except that maybe now I’m 34, I’ve changed a lot in terms of what I want and now I don’t know if I’m in a relationship that’s right for me anymore. A lot can change between your early 20s and your mid 30s.

I’ve never skyped in my life. Lol. I don’t know how it works!

You know…when I first saw your username here, I thought you were that other person on the other section of this forum, and I thought you were an older woman. Lol. Then when I read your story I realised you were a guy. Then I realised you weren’t the person I thought you were. And then I kept feeling like you were younger than 41. So NOW? I have NO idea how I’d picture you! Lol. At first I pictured a sandy darkish blonde haired fairly tallish but not too tall guy. But now I’m getting brown hair. Lol. You already can see what I look like from my avatar pic.

Yeah, that’s why it’s so hard to let go of a relationship that DID have quite a lot of good points. Because they’re what you miss, and once it’s ALL gone, you don’t have to deal with the bad stuff anymore and so you tend just to focus on the stuff you miss…but if you WERE together, and WHEN you were together, you weren’t 100% happy and you wouldn’t be again in the future, because it’s never ALL just good stuff.

Now, this will be hard to hear and I don’t think I’d want to accept it about my own ex either, but it’s the truth and it’s easier to say it and believe it when it’s referring to someone else (like you) than about yourself, but…it does not MATTER if your ex loves you or not. It doesn’t change anything about YOU as a person who is loved and deserving of love. If she loves you or doesn’t love you, it doesn’t change anything, and it doesn’t change you. The experience of your relationship with her and your feelings for her changed you, but whether she loves you or not does not change you, and it is no longer relevant. As hard as that is to grasp.

Having said that, however, I strongly believe she does love you and really did love you during your time together.

And yeah, you would never pull the rug out from under anyone and just BU with them abruptly, but everyone’s different, and to them, their own feelings and opinions and ways of dealing with things are valid for them, no matter how hard it is for us to understand.

And ok, I’ve already booked the flight so I’ll be in Florida in 2 days, ok? Meet me at the airport. LOL.

god i love reading your posts.

26....yep she is right in the middle with the baggage and sorta mature. the age thing only bothered me for a week or so but soon after i didn't care what anyone thought. i loved her and thats all that concerned me. but i think it would help me if i was to find someone closer to my age and can relate to me a little better. but i usually have dated girls that were younger than me. my ex was the youngest i have dated.

OMG, we should freaking SKYPE on day if you're up to it. no pressure lol. of course i would have to be up in the middle of the night just to do it b/c of the time change. its tuesday 12:26 am here. not sue what time it is there. using SKYPE is super easy and so much fun esp when someone is halfway around the world. damn the internet is so cool!!!

i remember you saying that you thought i was a woman and that was funny. you were on the right path as to how i look. i do have sandy blonde/brown hair. 5/10 about 200. yes i'm i tiny bit overweight but i'm working on that right now. as soon as i can figure out how to put a profile pic up i will do it. do you remember how you did yours?

i see what you mean. i ALWAYS forget the part where it would not be any different if we were back together. just wishful thinking i guess. but i need to keep in mind that we both have some things we need to work on IF it were to ever work out and at this point i would need a grand slam homerun to be able to have a stable relationship of any sorts.

and i also see what you mean in terms of her loving me or not. you're right. love or not she still have things to work on and it would NEVER work out regardless. she could love me to the end of the world and nothing would change. again, i keep forgetting that part...sorry. it just sucks not really knowing for sure how the woman you wanted to marry feels about you right now. just saying...

why do you think she said all those things to hang on to me but then all the sudden come to her senses? i mean i really thought we were making progress and then the bottom fell out all the sudden. i just don't get why she would keep tabs on me during my cruise and on my trip to DC and when i was visiting my friend in NY. all those trips she was texting m like crazy and making sure i didn't forget about her. but then when i was home and out of danger of possibly meeting someone she goes ahead and pulls the plug. thats so mean......that really hurt me.

AND I WILL TOTALLY BE THERE AT TAMPA AIRPORT WAITING. what's your flight number and time? im serious, that would be so cool for you guys to come visit. i must sound like a creep b/c you hardly know me but i can assure you that i'm not. i'm just a nice guy with a really cool pen pal down under!!!! we can totally go to OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE while you're here. lol. its either you guys come here or i'm heading your way. take you pick. i'll give you till tomorrow to figure it out. LOL jk. but the weather here is SO nice. 70's during the day. nice breeze. not a cloud in the sky.....

i don't think i can take this pain anymore

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