i don't think i can take this pain anymore

[stevie_23]

Heheh, how I did my profile pic? You go into your profile (can’t remember how though) and there’ll be a thing to click on about adding your picture. You can just take a pic or use an existing pic and save it on your computer somewhere and then just use that here.

 

Your time right now, at 4pm Tuesday my time, is 1am Tuesday IF your time zone hasn’t gone into daylight savings yet. If it has, then it’s 2am. I know the time zone for you. You’re in the same zone as my ex. Lol. I know exactly what time it is.

 

I know. It’s so hard to not know how the person you so deeply love even feels or what they’re thinking. It’s weird for me that I don’t even know if my ex is back on daylight savings time yet or not. When it went off that time back in November last year I knew about it cause we talked all the time and had to adjust our routines a bit to allow for the hour change.

 

Why did she say all those things to “hang onto you”? Maybe because she didn’t quite know what to do. She loved you but wasn’t happy or comfortable anymore. But she didn’t want to end things. But then…she may have seen no choice eventually. People when they end relationships often go over and over in their minds what to do before they actually do it. It can be a really hard and long process even if it seems sudden to the person who is left by them.

 

Maybe she kept texting you and was worried while you were on that cruise and then once you got back, she ended it because she realised while you were away just how much she couldn’t stand to be constantly worried about your actions, you know? Maybe it hit home then. While you were away, ALL she had were the negative parts of the relationship. Her own stress, worry, anxiety, insecurity, and her normal need to control was even stronger but she also wasn’t WITH you so how COULD she really control you at that stage? And because you were away, none of the GOOD parts of the relationship were there because YOU were not there. To sort of compensate for the bad parts (her stress). So…maybe it did hit her how bad she’d been feeling and how it wasn’t making her happy anymore.

 

OMG, Outback Steakhouse! My partner’s a vegetarian! LOL.

 

Our weather is very similar to your’s. Humid for a lot of the year. Mild nice Winters. Lots of palm trees, tropical stuff, beautiful beaches, high rise buildings all along the coastal road parallel to the beach, lots of retirees, amusement parks, movie studios, people dressing very casually, often with no shoes and just in bikinis, hot girls everywhere, overly tanned prune-like older people sunning themselves, early bird dinners, etc. lol.

[hockeyfan99]

Heheh, how I did my profile pic? You go into your profile (can’t remember how though) and there’ll be a thing to click on about adding your picture. You can just take a pic or use an existing pic and save it on your computer somewhere and then just use that here.

 

Your time right now, at 4pm Tuesday my time, is 1am Tuesday IF your time zone hasn’t gone into daylight savings yet. If it has, then it’s 2am. I know the time zone for you. You’re in the same zone as my ex. Lol. I know exactly what time it is.

 

I know. It’s so hard to not know how the person you so deeply love even feels or what they’re thinking. It’s weird for me that I don’t even know if my ex is back on daylight savings time yet or not. When it went off that time back in November last year I knew about it cause we talked all the time and had to adjust our routines a bit to allow for the hour change.

 

Why did she say all those things to “hang onto you”? Maybe because she didn’t quite know what to do. She loved you but wasn’t happy or comfortable anymore. But she didn’t want to end things. But then…she may have seen no choice eventually. People when they end relationships often go over and over in their minds what to do before they actually do it. It can be a really hard and long process even if it seems sudden to the person who is left by them.

 

Maybe she kept texting you and was worried while you were on that cruise and then once you got back, she ended it because she realised while you were away just how much she couldn’t stand to be constantly worried about your actions, you know? Maybe it hit home then. While you were away, ALL she had were the negative parts of the relationship. Her own stress, worry, anxiety, insecurity, and her normal need to control was even stronger but she also wasn’t WITH you so how COULD she really control you at that stage? And because you were away, none of the GOOD parts of the relationship were there because YOU were not there. To sort of compensate for the bad parts (her stress). So…maybe it did hit her how bad she’d been feeling and how it wasn’t making her happy anymore.

 

OMG, Outback Steakhouse! My partner’s a vegetarian! LOL.

 

Our weather is very similar to your’s. Humid for a lot of the year. Mild nice Winters. Lots of palm trees, tropical stuff, beautiful beaches, high rise buildings all along the coastal road parallel to the beach, lots of retirees, amusement parks, movie studios, people dressing very casually, often with no shoes and just in bikinis, hot girls everywhere, overly tanned prune-like older people sunning themselves, early bird dinners, etc. lol.

 

 

ok. i figured out the whole profile pic deal. i tried a few days ago but i guess the pic was too big. this is the best one that i could find that was allowed. sorry that i'm not smiling. that was awhile ago.

 

we did just turn our clocks ahead 1 hour on Sat so i think we're in daylight savings. yep we are. just looked at my calender. i'm at work now and i'm half awake at 8:45. my boss text me this morning at 6am to tell me that she's sick and not coming in and THEN i couldn't fall back to sleep. hate that crap.

 

it is hard to know what they're thinking. i wake up every morning and the first thing that comes to mind is my ex and then i think how MUCH i miss her. i wished i knew that she was thinking about me before she went to bed and when she wakes in the morning. i don't want to be forgotten

 

that sounds reasonable. i know it was NOT a decision she wanted to make at all but she stated that it had to be done in terms of the whole BU. i think she was not ready to let go but then realized that she couldn't hold on anymore. she had stated to me just bf it happened that she didn't want to depressed anymore and that her family was worried about her and wanted their daughter back to the way she was bf the BU. thats hard to hear that "i'm" the one causing her all that pain. i don't like to hurt people at all. it makes me sad that her depression was caused by me. and yes it did seem like it was all the sudden. i thought we would talk for a long time. for me it didn't bother me all that much to talk to her b/c at least i knew what she was up to and how she was doing and such. but now i have NO IDEA whats going on and its so hard. i just hate waking up every morning and thinking about her and what she should be doing right about that time. like i know she has work this morning and was prob getting ready. but a lot of the times i hope that i might get a text from her just to let me know that she's still thinking about me. i don't think its going to happen b/c i had sent her a v-day card right bf we went into NC and she never text me to say thanks so i had to ask her if she got it. she said that she did and thanked me for it and said that she wanted to text me but was afraid that it would hurt me too much. not sure how it would have made me feel but just the thought of her thinking about me makes me feel good. you know? i just hate those thoughts of her sleeping with another guy and stuff like that. i doubt it b/c my ex is very conservative when it comes to sleeping with anyone. not in a bad way. she's just not that type of girl to jump into bed with just anyone no matter how much she's hurting. she has a good head on her shoulders about those types of things. but i still can't stop thinking about her with another guy. just rips me apart....

 

oh that's too bad your partner is vegetarian. looks like we'll have to leave her at home....JK. she can have a salad.

 

that does sound a lot like the weather her as well as the nursing home type demographics. lol THEY. ARE. EVERYWHERE!! lol

 

oh man. a hot bikini wearing aussie babe....... that would be so awesome. ok. i think i'm going to come your way instead. i've seen enough of the states.

[cavalier99]

I suggest you stop thinking about your ex. You are adding to you misery going over things. Enough of the analysis already. Do you want to get better? Cav

Edited March 12, 2013 by cavalier99

[hockeyfan99]

I suggest you stop thinking about your ex. You are adding to you misery going over things. Enough of the analysis already. Do you want to get better? Cav

 

of course i do but some things are easier said than done.

 

thanks

[stevie_23]

The first thing that’s on my mind when I wake up is my ex and my situation as well, but most of how I feel when I think about him is good stuff. Yes, I miss him and nowadays it feels surreal that my old-normal was so different to my new-normal. I don’t like my new-normal just yet, but at least I’m on the way to accepting that this is how it is now. This IS my normal now.

 

Heh, your pic is cute. You do look sad though.

 

Why is it important that you don’t feel she’s forgotten you? What would it mean to you if she did forget you one day?

 

Once you move on from her (which WILL happen, believe it or not!), you won’t mind if she “forgets” you. But see, she never will, and you’ll never forget her either.

 

I think maybe you equate “forgetting” with not loving or caring anymore. But they’re different things. Even if she does think about you a lot for now (which she probably does), that doesn’t mean you can be together. And one day, if she does not think about you hardly at all, it doesn’t mean she didn’t love you when you WERE together. And it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, or never cared, about you either. Remembering isn’t that important, because most of us (unless we suffer amnesia or something) NEVER forget someone who was at one time very significant to us. It’s the other stuff we associate with forgetting that gets tangled up in there and it’s why we don’t want to be forgotten. The love, the care, the hope (even the faintest one, for a while) of a possible reconciliation.

 

And yes, my partner will have the salad. She DOES eat seafood. Lol. I’m semi-vegetarian myself too (though not really) because she does all the cooking at home, so we eat the same things, but I was never a big meat eater either so it works well.

 

Cavalier, sometimes talking does help…to an extent. It has been 6 months I think since Hockey’s gf left him, and that IS a long time, but it’s only much more recently that she has gone NC so he’s still adapting to that. When he is better ready to move on, he will start shifting his perspectives to other things…he’s also learning about himself too, and how he behaved and felt in the relationship, and that really helps to avoid similar situations, and to explain and understand the ex-relationship, which in turn helps to move on.

[hockeyfan99]

The first thing that’s on my mind when I wake up is my ex and my situation as well, but most of how I feel when I think about him is good stuff. Yes, I miss him and nowadays it feels surreal that my old-normal was so different to my new-normal. I don’t like my new-normal just yet, but at least I’m on the way to accepting that this is how it is now. This IS my normal now.

 

Heh, your pic is cute. You do look sad though.

 

Why is it important that you don’t feel she’s forgotten you? What would it mean to you if she did forget you one day?

 

Once you move on from her (which WILL happen, believe it or not!), you won’t mind if she “forgets” you. But see, she never will, and you’ll never forget her either.

 

I think maybe you equate “forgetting” with not loving or caring anymore. But they’re different things. Even if she does think about you a lot for now (which she probably does), that doesn’t mean you can be together. And one day, if she does not think about you hardly at all, it doesn’t mean she didn’t love you when you WERE together. And it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, or never cared, about you either. Remembering isn’t that important, because most of us (unless we suffer amnesia or something) NEVER forget someone who was at one time very significant to us. It’s the other stuff we associate with forgetting that gets tangled up in there and it’s why we don’t want to be forgotten. The love, the care, the hope (even the faintest one, for a while) of a possible reconciliation.

 

And yes, my partner will have the salad. She DOES eat seafood. Lol. I’m semi-vegetarian myself too (though not really) because she does all the cooking at home, so we eat the same things, but I was never a big meat eater either so it works well.

 

Cavalier, sometimes talking does help…to an extent. It has been 6 months I think since Hockey’s gf left him, and that IS a long time, but it’s only much more recently that she has gone NC so he’s still adapting to that. When he is better ready to move on, he will start shifting his perspectives to other things…he’s also learning about himself too, and how he behaved and felt in the relationship, and that really helps to avoid similar situations, and to explain and understand the ex-relationship, which in turn helps to move on.

 

 

i know exactly how you feel in the morning. i think about her right off the bat. b/c we didn't live together i always made sure that i text her in the morning and said "morning, i love you". it was my way of being there w/o being there. thats what i really miss. the connection i had with her. i miss waking up next to her when i was over her place. just miss holding her. so this my new normal and right now i hate EVERYTHING about it but i know i will learn to deal with it and move on from it. it just sucks right now. i don't there has been a day in a long while where i say how much i HATE the way my life is going. but i know one day it will get better. i just don't want this to turn into another BU i had when i went years and still had a hard time getting that ex. that was awful.

 

i know my pic is lame. but thank you. so did i match your thoughts of what you thought i looked like? LOL i think i'm going to change it. i do look sad and i need to look happier. i was at olive garden that night trying to be serious in that stupid pic. LOL.

 

i think you nailed it on the head (again, you're good) i do think of her forgetting me in terms of her not loving me anymore or not caring about me anymore. sometimes i get really upset and say to myself that she prob doesn't give a crap about me anymore. its my way of getting mad b/c thats the way i feel right now. i think in time she will not think about me everyday but if she was to tell me right now that she hardly thinks about me then that would really hurt b/c its only been a month since we last spoke.....(wow the time flies) i would hope that she is feel the same as me and misses me everyday. i don't know why i feel that way though. i know that i won't EVER forget my ex nor will i ever stop caring about her. EVER!! if she called and need my help right now i would be there in a flash. people would think i'm nuts but that how much i love her.

 

you're right. there will be a time when i will move on from her and i guess i won't mind if she had forgotten about me. i think it just scares me to think that. but i don't think she will ever "forget" me. but you are right too when you say that just b/c she may still love me or care about me doesn't mean that we could be together. you're right. it sucks so so much. but you're right.

 

i went for a nice walk again to reset my mind and get some air and of course think about my life in general. but i couldn't wait to get home to read your message. its boring during the day b/c you're almost 12 hours diff from me. so when i'm at work you're sound asleep. lol

 

oh btw....i did look up flight to you're neck of the woods and i would have to sell my body for the ticket. 1800 RT!!! ouch. but i did look up what the area looks like and it DOES look a lot like miami. but you're water and women are SO much better. lol.

 

oh hears a fun fact in terms of the weather there and her and how you said they were very similar. if you were to look at a globe, the tampa region sits right around the 28 degrees lat N. YOUR region is around the 28 degrees lat S. lol. very cool. I NEED A VACA DOWN UNDER. time to start saving.....and selling.....my body. lol

[stevie_23]

Yeah, we used to text each other too every morning. I’d always have a loving good morning text to wake up to…and we’d tuck each other into bed at night too. *sigh* Yeah.

 

So your previous ex…when you say you had a hard time and took a long time to get over that BU, why was that, do you think? It may not necessarily happen this time…it’d depend on what was different with that woman, that relationship and that particular BU.

 

Yeah, it WOULD hurt if she told you she didn’t think about you much already. Because since it’s been so soon, you may take that as her never having felt that strongly towards you if she could “forget” you that quickly?

 

I also get the impression from you that you kind of wanted to take care of her. To show her new things, to open her eyes, to help her grow as a person, and to protect her in a way. And in a way, because you associated that with loving her, and because you still love her, you still would want to help her and protect her and stuff. That’s normal. It’s ok. But it can be hard for you to accept that now, she doesn’t NEED you to be that for her, you know? That may be another part of it.

 

It is scary to think of them moving on and it’s even scarier to think of YOURSELF moving on, right? So don’t worry too much about that. It tends to just happen in its own time and once it does happen, you won’t even really notice. One day you’ll realise you haven’t felt too bad about things and that you haven’t thought of her for a while and you’ll be like…wow! And you may even be focused on someone else by then too. ALL scary thoughts, eh? But at the time, when they do happen, they won’t be scary at all. Cause you’ll be ready. And it’ll be ok. But for now, try not to hang onto this sadness. Because that’s what it is. You ARE holding onto HER in a way, but now she is strongly associated with sadness and so you’re holding onto that too by default, you know? And that brings you comfort in a way because it’s all you have left of her, BUT it will also hold you back from being ok eventually. And it’s just not a good place to be in…a place of sadness. But yes, as I said, try not to hold on too tightly to the fear of one day NOT being concerned about her, about what she’s doing. Let it happen whenever it does. It’ll be fine. Not now, but by then it will be.

 

Yep, flights between here and the US are very expensive! That’s just part of the reason my ex and I never got to meet in person.

 

Oh wow, so that latitude stuff is why we’re so similar in weather and surroundings! I didn’t know that before. See? You learn something new everyday! Lol.

[hockeyfan99]

Yeah, we used to text each other too every morning. I’d always have a loving good morning text to wake up to…and we’d tuck each other into bed at night too. *sigh* Yeah.

 

So your previous ex…when you say you had a hard time and took a long time to get over that BU, why was that, do you think? It may not necessarily happen this time…it’d depend on what was different with that woman, that relationship and that particular BU.

 

Yeah, it WOULD hurt if she told you she didn’t think about you much already. Because since it’s been so soon, you may take that as her never having felt that strongly towards you if she could “forget” you that quickly?

 

I also get the impression from you that you kind of wanted to take care of her. To show her new things, to open her eyes, to help her grow as a person, and to protect her in a way. And in a way, because you associated that with loving her, and because you still love her, you still would want to help her and protect her and stuff. That’s normal. It’s ok. But it can be hard for you to accept that now, she doesn’t NEED you to be that for her, you know? That may be another part of it.

 

It is scary to think of them moving on and it’s even scarier to think of YOURSELF moving on, right? So don’t worry too much about that. It tends to just happen in its own time and once it does happen, you won’t even really notice. One day you’ll realise you haven’t felt too bad about things and that you haven’t thought of her for a while and you’ll be like…wow! And you may even be focused on someone else by then too. ALL scary thoughts, eh? But at the time, when they do happen, they won’t be scary at all. Cause you’ll be ready. And it’ll be ok. But for now, try not to hang onto this sadness. Because that’s what it is. You ARE holding onto HER in a way, but now she is strongly associated with sadness and so you’re holding onto that too by default, you know? And that brings you comfort in a way because it’s all you have left of her, BUT it will also hold you back from being ok eventually. And it’s just not a good place to be in…a place of sadness. But yes, as I said, try not to hold on too tightly to the fear of one day NOT being concerned about her, about what she’s doing. Let it happen whenever it does. It’ll be fine. Not now, but by then it will be.

 

Yep, flights between here and the US are very expensive! That’s just part of the reason my ex and I never got to meet in person.

 

Oh wow, so that latitude stuff is why we’re so similar in weather and surroundings! I didn’t know that before. See? You learn something new everyday! Lol.

 

 

ok. so its 4:19 am and i just woke up and i'm laying here trying to fall back to sleep and its totally impossible. i started to panic about everything going on with the ex and i had a HORRIBLE gut wrenching feeling come over me and just became totally scared to death. i'm just laying here teying not to picture her with another guy and i keep on checking her FB. i'm so stupid' i need to stop. one day i'm going to look and there is going to be some guy there and its all over for me. I WILL LOSE IT!! this sucks so so so bad right now. i'm just about ready to freak out. just don't know what to do

 

my previous ex broke up with me the same way. we were together for 3 years but i always had a hard time telling her that i loved her. i know deep in my heart i did but back then i assoc saying i love you with getting married in the next step and i wasn't ready for it. plus she would pressure me all the time about rings and in turn i would get upset and lash out at her. in the end she broke up with me for those reasons and i took full blame for the whole BU, kinda like the way i feel now. i was just filled with so much regret and shame that it took me years to get over her. i lost so much weight after the BU b/c i was so so hurt. and then she started dating this guys shortly afterwards and then my world fell apart. i was so mad and hurt. so it really sucked. but i got over it but it took sooooo much time. i never want to go thru something like that ever again, just like now.

 

yeah, if she was to say that she doesn't think about me anymore then i would assoc that with never having cared enough about me to get over me so soon. its my worst fear. that and finding out when she's dating some other guy, which i try to block out of my mind so much.

 

i totally took care of her SO MUCH. she was in grad school so she didn't have a lot of money so if we went out i paid. if we went on a trip i paid for most of the expenses. if she was sick i would drive all the way over to see her (45 min drive). i ALWAYS tried to protect her like nobody else. in fact that hurt me in the end b/c i lied to her to protect her feelings and for me to save face. i'm so STUPID. but yes i did take care of her. almost too much and i think that stemmed from the fact that i was always afraid of losing her so i would wait on her hand and foot. but the odd thing that used to make me SO mad is that everytime i thought i was doing everything right she would hit me with something that i was doing wrong. she used to bug the hell out of me for not making her dinner enough or never making her breakfast. i don't cook. i don't know how to cook. she used to say to me, "well you know how to read directions, right?" made me so mad. i made her dinner some times when i got to her place b/f she did and she always liked when i did but it was never enough for her. i mean if i made her breakfast and dinner 10 times she would tell me that i should have made it 11 times. you see what i mean? never enough. i hated it. so i never knew when she was going to lay that crap on me. so on edge. we got into a HUGE fight one night when she mentioned to me that FOR ONCE she would like me to make her breakfast. all i said to her is that i've never made breakfast b/f and could she just give me a hand and show me. i just didn't want to mess it up on my first try. i wanted it to be great and also i thought it would be fun if we both cooked together. she freaked out on me. all b/c i asked her to help me out and just show me. i was so mad her. i was so hurt and couldn't believe the way she was treating me. i felt like such a looser.

 

the thought of my ex moving on to someone else is so hurtful right now that i don't think that i could bare it. its my worst fear. i don't even like to think about it at all. makes me so sick to my stomach. i'm so scared of that right now that i have a hard time sometimes keeping my emotions in check. like right now i just feel like i want to cry b/c i'm so so worried about what she is doing, who she is with, who is talking to, has she slept with anyone? all that stuff is running thru my head over and over and over again. HATE IT!!! the weird thing is that i'm not really afraid to move on. i mean if i was to meet someone tomorrow (or today i should say) o would be sorta ok with that. not 100% but sorta ok with it. but i am totally 1000000000% scared of my ex moving on. SO SCARED i don't want to go thru this when its time........i hope i'll be ready like you said b/c right now thats the furthest thing from my mind that i want to happen.

 

the one thing that ALWAYS got to me was that my ex hardly EVER said that she was sorry if she did something wrong. that used to piss me off so bad. i would ALWAYS say i'm sorry if i was wrong. in fact i was ALWAYS saying it to her. i said it so much that i was so sick of saying it anymore. but like the whole fight about breakfast, not one sorry for the way she acted. NOT ONE. it was all on me. so that was one of my biggest complaints about her. for being such a caring person she sure did SUCK in the "i'm sorry" dept.

 

i'm sorry you never got to meet your ex in person. i never knew you hadn't met b/f. that would hurt so much. i'm sorry. damn airlines are crooks. they make it impossible for people to meet up because of how much they charge.

 

i'm so scared right now.............

[stevie_23]

Wow...her and her unrealistic expectations again, eh?

 

I don't cook either. I have no idea how to. Can't even boil a damn egg! lol.

 

So you basically felt like you did a LOT for her, took care of her, etc. And nothing was ever good enough? I think it seems you both fell into the roles of you = caretaker, her = princess who has everything done for her. And the more you tried, the more she expected, and if you didn't ALWAYS deliver, she felt disappointed. And I think in terms of how she thought about things, that disappointment stemmed from insecurity that you didn't LOVE her enough to be PERFECT (in her eyes) and to do EVERYTHING she NEEDED you to do, and if you DID love her, she wouldn't even HAVE to ask you to do those things. And then those thoughts twisted themselves into feeling resentful of you when you didn't ALWAYS do things for her that she wanted.

 

Ok, so your previous relationship ended because you didn't want to get married and you were not open with expressions of love because you weren't ready to get married and take that next step, and you felt restricted and trapped maybe because she was pressuring you?

 

Seems like a fairly common scenario. The guy is happy with things as they are but the girl wants to move forward. The guy doesn't really know what he wants, but knows he doesn't want THAT yet (marriage, the whole big thing) so he doesn't really do anything, and the girl takes this inaction as hurtful and like they're not properly committed to the relationship, and this results in putting pressure on the guy, which then either results in him getting married but regretting it later, or leaving the girl, or the girl leaving him, as is what happened in your case.

 

Now, with this...again, it seems that although you loved this girl, you weren't right for each other. You were together for 3 years. If you were 100% head over heels in love with her, maybe you WOULD have not been able to help yourself from expressing your love openly, AND you may not have been hesitant about marriage. (but you still may have been. Who knows. And it's not a fault or a bad thing if you were. It's ok. Marriage isn't for everyone.) But she wanted it. And so...you became mismatched, even if for the majority of the 3 years, you were both very happy.

 

Once you become mismatched in what you both need to be happy in your lives, it is best to end things. Often a lot of hurt and pain and residual issues that carry over for a LONG time into the future after the relationship is over, stems from the fact a mismatched, problematic and unhappy relationship goes on for too long.

 

The fact that relationship broke up was not your fault (and neither was your most recent one either). Why was the fact that you didn't want to get married seen as WRONG and the fact she DID want to get married seen as RIGHT? Neither is wrong or right, EXCEPT for you as individuals. And that's what I mean when I talk about being mismatched. It just wasn't right for both of you to be together anymore.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time...also be aware it could be the new meds begining to take effect, ok? They may be causing you to be a bit more restless and anxious. Just hang on...it WILL get better.

[hockeyfan99]

Wow...her and her unrealistic expectations again, eh?

 

I don't cook either. I have no idea how to. Can't even boil a damn egg! lol.

 

So you basically felt like you did a LOT for her, took care of her, etc. And nothing was ever good enough? I think it seems you both fell into the roles of you = caretaker, her = princess who has everything done for her. And the more you tried, the more she expected, and if you didn't ALWAYS deliver, she felt disappointed. And I think in terms of how she thought about things, that disappointment stemmed from insecurity that you didn't LOVE her enough to be PERFECT (in her eyes) and to do EVERYTHING she NEEDED you to do, and if you DID love her, she wouldn't even HAVE to ask you to do those things. And then those thoughts twisted themselves into feeling resentful of you when you didn't ALWAYS do things for her that she wanted.

 

Ok, so your previous relationship ended because you didn't want to get married and you were not open with expressions of love because you weren't ready to get married and take that next step, and you felt restricted and trapped maybe because she was pressuring you?

 

Seems like a fairly common scenario. The guy is happy with things as they are but the girl wants to move forward. The guy doesn't really know what he wants, but knows he doesn't want THAT yet (marriage, the whole big thing) so he doesn't really do anything, and the girl takes this inaction as hurtful and like they're not properly committed to the relationship, and this results in putting pressure on the guy, which then either results in him getting married but regretting it later, or leaving the girl, or the girl leaving him, as is what happened in your case.

 

Now, with this...again, it seems that although you loved this girl, you weren't right for each other. You were together for 3 years. If you were 100% head over heels in love with her, maybe you WOULD have not been able to help yourself from expressing your love openly, AND you may not have been hesitant about marriage. (but you still may have been. Who knows. And it's not a fault or a bad thing if you were. It's ok. Marriage isn't for everyone.) But she wanted it. And so...you became mismatched, even if for the majority of the 3 years, you were both very happy.

 

Once you become mismatched in what you both need to be happy in your lives, it is best to end things. Often a lot of hurt and pain and residual issues that carry over for a LONG time into the future after the relationship is over, stems from the fact a mismatched, problematic and unhappy relationship goes on for too long.

 

The fact that relationship broke up was not your fault (and neither was your most recent one either). Why was the fact that you didn't want to get married seen as WRONG and the fact she DID want to get married seen as RIGHT? Neither is wrong or right, EXCEPT for you as individuals. And that's what I mean when I talk about being mismatched. It just wasn't right for both of you to be together anymore.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time...also be aware it could be the new meds begining to take effect, ok? They may be causing you to be a bit more restless and anxious. Just hang on...it WILL get better.

 

 

i tried to do a lot of things. now granted there were time when i just was being lazy or i would forget. but it didn't mean that i didn't want to do those things. i have a busy life too and when you don't live with someone you don't always think of those things like making dinner for her. i think if we did live together then i would have more often because it would have just become a routine of some sorts. but here's the kicker, when she would ask me to do those things and then a few days later i would then she would act like she made me do it and then that would make me feel bad b/c i tried to make her happy. then she would make comments like i wished i didn't have to ask you to do these things. AGAIN, a no win situation. i hated it so much. there were so many times i just wanted to scream when she would say stuff like that. i would tell her, listen i'm not perfect and can't remember everything so give me a break and lets enjoy the dinner that i did make you. never enough. i did so much for her and she did a lot for me too but just when i thought i was in the right, i was wrong. so annoying and major walking on egg shells.

 

yeah the gf with the wedding band obsession drove me nuts and you wonder why i didn't want to express myself. i can remember many times feeling like i had a 2000 lbs block on my chest b/c she was ALWAYS wanting to look at rings. either wedding or the infamous promise ring (GAG). so in turn i would always feel pressured and then lash out at her for putting this much pressure on me. that was a tough relationship for me. she was my first serious relationship. but it left a scar on me till i met my ex. you see the problem was that in that relationship, i jumped the gun and told her i loved her way too soon (1 month in) and had to kinda take it back if you wanna call it that. she was really upset and i don't blame her. but from that moment on the relationship was on the rocks. i felt terrible and even more when i couldn't say it back to her. i really do think i was in love with when i look back on it but i was SO AFRAID to express myself for reason given. so after that relationship i went a few years without anyone and then i had a gf for short period of time. she was one of those gf's when you think back and say why on earth was i with that girl. i must have been lonely. THEN i went 8 yrs without a gf. talk about being horny!! lol. then i had two gf bf my ex. the first one was again kinda a take it or leave it type gf. i didn't like her that much. then there was the one bf the current ex. that lasted for about 3 years and it was ok in the beginning but i knew for a long time that she was not for me but for some reason i stayed with her anyways. i told her i loved her but i never felt comfortable saying. it just didn't seem to flow when i said it. then i met my ex and i knew i was totally in love with her but i was so afraid i was going to mess it up and jump the gun again. you see, i was my ex's first. so she wanted to make sure i was in love with her bf we did anything and i respected that. but it did put a lot of pressure on me b/c again i just didn't want to make a mistake and tell her and then realize that i didn't mean it. you see for me i just didn't know at the time what it felt like to be in love with someone. but i took a chance and allowed myself to love and be loved and it felt great. so now i know what it feels like to be in love. but for my ex i was never scared of marriage. i mean maybe a little but i was not against it at all AS LONG as we resolved our issues bf hand. well we both know how that went.

 

i guess i'm the type of guy that takes the blame for a lot of things to keep the other person happy even if it wasn't totally my fault. i don't know why i'm like that. i guess i want people to like me. IDK?? so when a relationship fails i feel like it all my fault. it usually takes me a while to see differently but in the mean time i'm the punching bag and i hate it. i need to work on that and not be afraid to speak my mind b/c all i'm going to do is get stepped all over. now matter how many times my ex has said to me that isn't all my fault i just have a hard time believing her. i think she's just trying to be nice. but i'm starting to see things diff. i need to use what i learned in this relationship in the next one. i don't want to go down the same road again. i'm not getting any younger and i would like to settle down and have kids, etc.

 

do you think that if someone is mismatched that they can work on it to become matched or is it a losing battle? i mean for me, when i at my ex and myself i see the mismatch and i did back then but i tried so hard to work on my end. she never really did much on her end. i changed a ton for her. thats sad. even my family saw it in me.

 

i'm on my 3rd day of 25 mg. i'm going to bump it up to 50 tomorrow night and see how i feel for a few more days and then bump it up to the 75 my dr wants me to take. but overall it hasn't been too bad. i can tell when they are working. i kinda have that out of body feeling where i'm standing next to myself. its weird. a little shaky too. but i know all these are just normal side effects of it. i'm going to keep on going with them. i need to cause i dont really have a choice. if my ex found out i was on this she would freak out BUT leaving me will cause this to happen.

 

so is your profile name your real name? if it isn't, do you mind me asking what it is. my name is kevin and as you can see i'm a huge hockey fan. ever been to a game? i want to go to see an aussie rules football game. i have NO IDEA how the game is played. all i know is that i would crap myself if i saw one of those big dudes running after me. lol now those are some tough guys. our football players her wouldn't last a season playing against the likes of those guys down your way. lol

[stevie_23]

Above anything else, it seems that she attributed every SINGLE thing you did to HER specifically. To your feelings for HER and how everything related back to HER.

 

I think she will REALLY need to learn somehow to let go of her tendency to do that. It’s a ridiculous way to live and it just puts SO much pressure on everyone. Not everything is about HER. And it’s NOT a proper way to go through life, assuming everything is about you.

 

Just a vague example if she got on a train and 2 girls were giggling, she’d probably assume they were laughing about her. But they wouldn’t be and would have no idea she’d think that. It’s got nothing to do with her at all but she may be disturbed about it all day and then be even MORE insecure. And that’s the thing about relating every single thing to yourself – it DOES make you more insecure than you already are. It FEEDS your existing insecurity!

 

Learning to just let people be…that is SO important in relationships and for life in general.

 

Sometimes I’d find myself being a bit naggy or snippy at my partner if I was in a not so happy mood or was stressed about something. Like one example is I was in bed, stressed about something unrelated to her, and she dropped something in the kitchen. The noise annoyed me and I was annoyed at her for making me annoyed. And then I was like…come on, she didn’t do anything wrong. You only found that annoying because you’re stressed. It’s unrelated to her. And then I felt ok again.

 

Actually, that example sucks and wasn’t quite what I was talking about before, but whatever. Lol

 

Anyway, I think for those people who do attribute everything someone else does to be about THEMSELVES, it is because they are always so insecure that they’re constantly searching for love and signs of love from other people. They are always NEEDING to see signs of that love to feel reassured and secure (though they never actually feel secure no matter how many signs there are). And so I’d say the majority of the time our actions are simply about us. You lie on the couch watching TV instead of cooking dinner for her? For you, you’re just relaxing after a long day and you’re tired. Not related to her. But to HER? It’s a hurtful gesture “telling” her that you don’t care about her. It’s all twisted. Everything gets twisted as you assign meaning for every little thing that in reality has nothing to do with you at all.

 

In BOTH your relationships you’ve felt you couldn’t express yourself. That sucks.

 

I also think your tendency to take the blame for things (for other people’s expectations and feelings and happiness) may even have FIT with her tendency to ASSIGN “blame” (or excessive reasons and meaning) for others’ behaviour. She reads things into stuff you did or didn’t do that just wasn’t there, blamed you for it and you thus took responsibility for it. HMMM. A very damaging union in that specific regard. It hurts you and seems to re-confirm your already existing belief that things are YOUR fault and that no matter what, you’re never good enough. And it also enables HER to continue to assign blame and meaning when it simply does not exist.

 

If she accuses you of something she perceives as wrong or a failure, and you ALLOW that by taking the blame, it shows her MORE that she was RIGHT. You know what I mean? It shows her that there MUST have been meaning in your actions. Or you wouldn’t have anything to take responsibility FOR. Does that make sense?

 

Something I’ve learned over the years is you CANNOT be responsible for somebody else’s feelings and for somebody else’s happiness. You can ONLY create your own happiness. If someone chooses to be with you in a relationship because you make them happy (because YOU, as YOURSELF, makes them happy), then good for them and good for you if they make you happy too. But if you DON’T make them happy in certain ways, you discuss it, try to work through it, do NOT assign or accept blame for personality characteristics or inconsequential actions that have nothing to do with the other person. If that person’s true personality doesn’t make you happy anymore and nothing is going to change unless THAT makes both of you unhappy as well? It’s nobody’s fault. Because you can’t expect to BE someone else’s happiness and you shouldn’t expect someone else to provide YOUR happiness.

 

I think if you’re mismatched with someone, you CAN work on it potentially, but it may be impossible, depending on WHY you’re mismatched. If it’s a specific reason and not too big a deal, ok. Maybe something can be changed. If it’s a temporary reason, ok. Maybe something will change over time. If every single other thing is EXCELLENT, then it can be worth trying to make it work. However, when I say mismatched, often I mean what you want in life to be happy doesn’t matched up with your partner. What you do and who you are simply cannot be what she wants and needs. And that’s usually not that easy to change, and it SHOULDN’T be changed because neither of you is WRONG. You’re just not 100% right TOGETHER. Nobody should have to change who they are for another person. It makes you miserable after a while and it’s just not worth it. It never works out.

 

Who cares if your ex would freak out if she knew you were on these meds? Lol. It doesn’t concern her now. You have to do what’s right for YOU, and you’re doing that, and I commend you for it.

 

Nah, never been to a game. I used to play a bit of hockey back at school but that’s about it, heheh.

 

Oh, and nope, Stevie’s not my real name. I’m a huge Stevie Nicks fan so that’s where the name came from. I’m not comfortable revealing me real name in public like this though. Lol. The Beatles did a song of the same name though, let’s just say. Lol.

 

Ooh, and Aussie rules. I’ve been to 2 games in my life, back when I lived in Melbourne. I didn’t really understand the rules either. Lol.

[hockeyfan99]

Above anything else, it seems that she attributed every SINGLE thing you did to HER specifically. To your feelings for HER and how everything related back to HER.

 

I think she will REALLY need to learn somehow to let go of her tendency to do that. It’s a ridiculous way to live and it just puts SO much pressure on everyone. Not everything is about HER. And it’s NOT a proper way to go through life, assuming everything is about you.

 

Just a vague example if she got on a train and 2 girls were giggling, she’d probably assume they were laughing about her. But they wouldn’t be and would have no idea she’d think that. It’s got nothing to do with her at all but she may be disturbed about it all day and then be even MORE insecure. And that’s the thing about relating every single thing to yourself – it DOES make you more insecure than you already are. It FEEDS your existing insecurity!

 

Learning to just let people be…that is SO important in relationships and for life in general.

 

Sometimes I’d find myself being a bit naggy or snippy at my partner if I was in a not so happy mood or was stressed about something. Like one example is I was in bed, stressed about something unrelated to her, and she dropped something in the kitchen. The noise annoyed me and I was annoyed at her for making me annoyed. And then I was like…come on, she didn’t do anything wrong. You only found that annoying because you’re stressed. It’s unrelated to her. And then I felt ok again.

 

Actually, that example sucks and wasn’t quite what I was talking about before, but whatever. Lol

 

Anyway, I think for those people who do attribute everything someone else does to be about THEMSELVES, it is because they are always so insecure that they’re constantly searching for love and signs of love from other people. They are always NEEDING to see signs of that love to feel reassured and secure (though they never actually feel secure no matter how many signs there are). And so I’d say the majority of the time our actions are simply about us. You lie on the couch watching TV instead of cooking dinner for her? For you, you’re just relaxing after a long day and you’re tired. Not related to her. But to HER? It’s a hurtful gesture “telling” her that you don’t care about her. It’s all twisted. Everything gets twisted as you assign meaning for every little thing that in reality has nothing to do with you at all.

 

In BOTH your relationships you’ve felt you couldn’t express yourself. That sucks.

 

I also think your tendency to take the blame for things (for other people’s expectations and feelings and happiness) may even have FIT with her tendency to ASSIGN “blame” (or excessive reasons and meaning) for others’ behaviour. She reads things into stuff you did or didn’t do that just wasn’t there, blamed you for it and you thus took responsibility for it. HMMM. A very damaging union in that specific regard. It hurts you and seems to re-confirm your already existing belief that things are YOUR fault and that no matter what, you’re never good enough. And it also enables HER to continue to assign blame and meaning when it simply does not exist.

 

If she accuses you of something she perceives as wrong or a failure, and you ALLOW that by taking the blame, it shows her MORE that she was RIGHT. You know what I mean? It shows her that there MUST have been meaning in your actions. Or you wouldn’t have anything to take responsibility FOR. Does that make sense?

 

Something I’ve learned over the years is you CANNOT be responsible for somebody else’s feelings and for somebody else’s happiness. You can ONLY create your own happiness. If someone chooses to be with you in a relationship because you make them happy (because YOU, as YOURSELF, makes them happy), then good for them and good for you if they make you happy too. But if you DON’T make them happy in certain ways, you discuss it, try to work through it, do NOT assign or accept blame for personality characteristics or inconsequential actions that have nothing to do with the other person. If that person’s true personality doesn’t make you happy anymore and nothing is going to change unless THAT makes both of you unhappy as well? It’s nobody’s fault. Because you can’t expect to BE someone else’s happiness and you shouldn’t expect someone else to provide YOUR happiness.

 

I think if you’re mismatched with someone, you CAN work on it potentially, but it may be impossible, depending on WHY you’re mismatched. If it’s a specific reason and not too big a deal, ok. Maybe something can be changed. If it’s a temporary reason, ok. Maybe something will change over time. If every single other thing is EXCELLENT, then it can be worth trying to make it work. However, when I say mismatched, often I mean what you want in life to be happy doesn’t matched up with your partner. What you do and who you are simply cannot be what she wants and needs. And that’s usually not that easy to change, and it SHOULDN’T be changed because neither of you is WRONG. You’re just not 100% right TOGETHER. Nobody should have to change who they are for another person. It makes you miserable after a while and it’s just not worth it. It never works out.

 

Who cares if your ex would freak out if she knew you were on these meds? Lol. It doesn’t concern her now. You have to do what’s right for YOU, and you’re doing that, and I commend you for it.

 

Nah, never been to a game. I used to play a bit of hockey back at school but that’s about it, heheh.

 

Oh, and nope, Stevie’s not my real name. I’m a huge Stevie Nicks fan so that’s where the name came from. I’m not comfortable revealing me real name in public like this though. Lol. The Beatles did a song of the same name though, let’s just say. Lol.

 

Ooh, and Aussie rules. I’ve been to 2 games in my life, back when I lived in Melbourne. I didn’t really understand the rules either. Lol.

 

 

it was ALL about her. sometimes it was about me but most of the time it was about her. if i didn't respond quick enough then she would get upset. if didn't reply a certain way she would get upset. (ex: if she text me and i replied with just a simple K...instead of OK:) then she would get all over me) how stupid is that?? so i made sure i replied that way so i didn't get an earful. if i didn't hear something she said she would get upset. if i didn't turn off the water when brushing my teeth she would get upset. if i didn't text her goodnight "right before" i fell asleep and text her good morning she would get upset. and i couldn't just say goodnight when she would text me that she was going to bed. it HAD to be "right before" i fell asleep. she claims that she wanted it that way because she wanted her to be the last person i think about and be me texting "right before" i went to sleep then i was thinking about HER. she would get upset with me if i stayed up too late (from the time on the text) then she would ask me why i was up so late. i think she was probing to see if i was looking at porn. if i forgot to call her on my lunch break b/c we might have been busy, i would hear about how she thinks that i'm not thinking about her and how could i forget? give me a break. i forgot to call her maybe 10 times in 2.5 years. if i didn't hold her enough at night she would think that i wanted to be with her. HUH? how on earth do i realize that i'm not holding you enough when i'm SLEEPING and i would tell her that all the time. i loved holding her and thats prob the single thing i miss MOST about being with my ex. not the sex, not the kissing, not the laughs. it was simply wrapping my arms around her. so then i would sleep so lightly so i made sure that i did it enough. GRRRRR......just let me be myself and stop being the freaking GESTAPO!!!!

 

"Reassured".....now that is a word i'm all to familiar with. she used that word SO MANY times i'd be rich if i got a nickel for everytime she said it. she had to ALWAYS be reassured that i saved "ALL" myself for her. she needed me to assure her that was the case and i had to "report" to her prob about twice a week that i was all her's. she had to reassured about everything. do i love her? do i want to be with her forever? do i want to move in with her someday? have i thought about any other girls? CRAZY. i know a lot of these questions can be normal in a relationship like the love, moving in, etc. but for her it was ALL THE TIME. but i put up with it b/c i loved her so much that i thought after awhile she would knock it off and get off my back. but it never happened it got worse and it was because i lied to her and it just added to her insecurity. i should just told her the truth but then on the other hand that too would have added to her craziness. i tried that with her when i told her that i had that thought about another girl during sex (remember i told you that) but that totally backfired on me and i had to deal with that crap for about 1 1/2 years. just let it go!!! bir the one thing that i always made sure she was reassured about was just HOW MUCH i loved her. on avg i would tell her prob 3 times a day. i had no problem with that at all because if anything i wanted her to know that she mean't the absolute world to me. she was my everything.

 

yeah my ex and i were very snippy towards each a lot. if we said something a certain way....fight. if got got just a little bit frustrated with her about something.......fight. i can't tell you how many fights we got into over a stupid text. like HS all over again. we were both just so sensitive towards each other. it started with her bugging me all the time and then i would get frustrated with her. then she would get all upset at me for getting frustrated at her and round and round we go. so after awhile i found myself really watching what i was saying to her just not to upset her. she claims that she was doing the same but i really don't buy it. as you can tell we had MAJOR comm issues because of this. i couldn't just come to her and tell her something happened and i needed to talk to her about it. i was scared to death. and she felt like she couldn't come to me b/c i was going to get angry with her. it was just a big vicious cycle. yes i do have a temper BUT i didn't come into the relationship angry at her. i adored her and STILL DO it was just she was on me about everything and trying to mold me into someone i wasn't and it stressed me out. i'm a nice guy in general. but i just wanted to be myself. i was that way when i first met her but i soon realized what she needed in order for me to keep her happy and so i had to change and change and change.

 

feeling at fault was a huge thing for me. i always felt like i was wrong all the time. after awhile it was like a contest for to see just how many times i could be right or win in an argument. she would get so upset with me when i would tell that i'm always wrong or always feel like it was my fault. WELL....thats the way i felt and it sucked. and after awhile i found myself not even voicing my own opinion about something b/c either 1 of 2 things would happen. 1) she would almost ALWAYS just put it down. 2) it would turn into a fight. i just felt like a beat down dog sometimes. i didn't dare voice my opinion about something because she would read into so much. so for me silence was sometimes the golden rule. i mean how can someone be honest with someone and be able to tell them your deepest secrets if all they are going to do is use that against you later on? but i also felt wrong or at fault. just like the car thing i told you about. she's quiet, so must have pissed her off somehow OR she had some crazy thing she wanted to talk to me about. egg shells galore!!!

 

i see what you mean about happiness and trying to work thru it and not assigning blame. for me when i realized just how over the top my ex was about her expectations i just figured that it was she just doesn't know me well enough and she'll come around. well i tried and tried and tried and waited and waited and waited for her to come around. then it was too late and i was so deeply in love with her that i just put up with the A LOT of her stuff. i just didn't want to give up. for me i was ok being somewhat unhappy as long as it was going to work out in the end and then we would BOTH be happy. but it never happened and i felt trapped. i tell myself that i wasn't that happy but i love her so much that i don't want to give up and walk away from a possible great thing. so in the end it was her that kicked me to the curb b/c of A LOT of her issues that she had with me and what she felt was ok and not ok. so for that's why i feel so bad that it didn't work out b/c i tried SO HARD to make her feel ok and happy and comfortable. i told her that she could come to me about anything. i wanted her to feel like she she could ask me anything. maybe that was the wrong thing to do because of all the crazy questions she would ask me. but i feel its sooo important that when you're in relationship you should be able to come to that person for ANY reason with feeling afraid...unless i'm going to tell her that i cheated.

 

i know about the meds. honestly i wouldn't care at all. IN FACT, i would like her to know that i'm having to take them for the deep depression that i'm going thru with her BU with me and then stringing me along and then pulling the plug on me. but like you said b/f, even if she knew about the pain that i'm going thru it wouldn't change a thing and it would make our relationship work.

 

hockey....ice hockey or field hockey? i played ice hockey for years but had to stop b/c it was getting exp and tiresome.

 

oh i see about your name. i love stevie nicks too. great voice. i saw her in a small concert once in the town i live in. they were carrying the olympic torch thru the town and they had a concert to add to the fun. it was great. "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around"....great song. i also like "Tell me Lies" but she wasn't the main vocals in that song but her backup was awesome. funny how i like a song with that title and an ex who freaked out about little white lies. lol

 

i totally understand why you wouldn't want to say your name here. its ok. but i think i know the name of the song that you're talking about.....

[stevie_23]

I think I have some characteristics of your ex and thats why I'm able to kind of understand what she may have been feeling, except I've experienced a bit more and am a bit older and wiser and not AS extreme so...yeah.

 

When my ex and I were together, if he didn't text me in time for when I woke up, I'd get upset. Like...what were you doing that you couldn't text me as usual? What were you doing that made you forget I existed for that brief time? What were you doing that was more important than ME?

 

And I can sort of understand your ex being weird if you texted her goodnight and THEN did something else and didn't go right to bed. If it were me, I may feel strange, like...alone. Like, you're doing SOMETHING that's not about HER. And that's scary for her. Even if it wasn't a specific fear that you were looking at porn, it was just ANYTHING you may have been doing that did NOT include her. Cause that, in a twisted way, showed her what you were doing then and feeling then did not include LOVE for her. Involvement with her. Spending time with her only and nothing else.

 

HIGHLY possessive. I used to be like this quite a lot before I realised you need to let people do their own thing and just because they're not thinking of you and talking to you or being with you and ONLY you 100% of their time, it doesn't mean they don't love you.

 

You can never win with these sorts of feelings. She needs to control, possess and have you be there 100% for HER only, no one and nothing else. Nobody can accomplish this unless they are a robot. Literally. She may spend her whole life in these same sorts of relationship, searching for the guy that's right for her, and never realising nobody CAN be because her issues are all about HER.

 

And hey, did you take your picture down? lol

[Inviv_girl]

i have been in so much pain these last 5 months about my break up. we just went into NC for about a week and i'm starting to feel like all this is way too much for me to handle.

 

i'm starting to feel like "checking out on life". i just can't take this pain anymore. i'm so so hurt that all this happened. i can't deal with the regret. i can't deal with the guilt. i can't deal with the shame. i just can't deal with the sadness anymore. this is the worst thing i have ever gone through.

 

i know a lot of people are going to say that i'll get through this but right now i feel like i'm going to have a nervous break down and i just can't stand this pain anymore.............

 

I've been to where you are, 7 months now and it still hurt like hell. Keep strong and moving on, I do the same. We all here for you, for each other. With time it'll get better! trust yourself, we will make this through to the better world. Ex- and us are not meant to be, there is nothing we can do about it. Move on!

[hockeyfan99]

I think I have some characteristics of your ex and thats why I'm able to kind of understand what she may have been feeling, except I've experienced a bit more and am a bit older and wiser and not AS extreme so...yeah.

 

When my ex and I were together, if he didn't text me in time for when I woke up, I'd get upset. Like...what were you doing that you couldn't text me as usual? What were you doing that made you forget I existed for that brief time? What were you doing that was more important than ME?

 

And I can sort of understand your ex being weird if you texted her goodnight and THEN did something else and didn't go right to bed. If it were me, I may feel strange, like...alone. Like, you're doing SOMETHING that's not about HER. And that's scary for her. Even if it wasn't a specific fear that you were looking at porn, it was just ANYTHING you may have been doing that did NOT include her. Cause that, in a twisted way, showed her what you were doing then and feeling then did not include LOVE for her. Involvement with her. Spending time with her only and nothing else.

 

HIGHLY possessive. I used to be like this quite a lot before I realised you need to let people do their own thing and just because they're not thinking of you and talking to you or being with you and ONLY you 100% of their time, it doesn't mean they don't love you.

 

You can never win with these sorts of feelings. She needs to control, possess and have you be there 100% for HER only, no one and nothing else. Nobody can accomplish this unless they are a robot. Literally. She may spend her whole life in these same sorts of relationship, searching for the guy that's right for her, and never realising nobody CAN be because her issues are all about HER.

 

And hey, did you take your picture down? lol

 

 

CONTROL. for her i think that was a big thing. i thought "I" was a control freak in a relationship. not even close. i always felt like she had to control of me ALL the time. it funny cause sometimes i thought she had a hidden camera in my bedroom b/c sometimes she would kinda guess what i was doing.....and she was RIGHT.....scary!! i just always felt i had to watch my every step.

 

the odd thing about this is that if i tried to bring it up her about feeling like i was walking on egg shells, she would sit there and tell me that she didn't feel right been in a relationship where someone felt like that around her. HUH? and of course it sounded to me like she was going to break up with me so i would back off on my answer and kinda sugar coat it so it wasn't so extreme in her eyes. but deep down inside i wanted to SCREAM out loud that i hated feeling like i was on a bed of egg shells. bur i was so afraid that she would walk away from me. for me, i just wanted to tell her so that she would back off just a bit and give me room to breathe. maybe i should have just spoke my mind? maybe i should have just said, hey this is the way you make me feel and if she walks away then oh well? either way i loved her and was willing to put up with it but its still not right for her to treat me this way.

 

i can kinda see what you're talking about with the texting and such and here i thought SHE was the only person to do this. lol but it wasn't like i was ignoring her or anything. i just might not have heard my phone go off or maybe i was really busy at the time. she didn't always answer my texts right away but i was ok with that. the only time i would get concerned or upset is if we were in the middle of texting and then all the sudden.........silence. i'd be like, where the hell you'd go? but the whole texting thing to me is so HS'ish anyways. that was her preferred method of comm in the beginning of the relationship and i HATED IT. i'm a grown man and i want to talk to you not text you. texting like i said before causes all sorts of issues. you can't hear their tone so you assume something else. many, many fights over texts.

 

yeah i took my pic down. i didn't really like it. you're right, i looked too sad. i'll look around and see if i can find one that is a little better but they have to be really small otherwise they won't up load and i don't have that many that are that small.

 

btw, i was looking at youtube of the "Gold Coast".......SWEET JESUS its nice there. blue water, nice soft sand. oh man i want to be there so bad right now.....

[stevie_23]

Yeah, well...it seems to me like she was trying to kind of...live in a relationship like a normal rational person but she wasn't acting like one most of the time. In terms of the control stuff anyway. The insecurity stuff.

 

Because in a normal relationship and to a normal PERSON in a relationship, of course you don't want to have your partner feel like they're walking on eggshells! And neither did she, but she didn't honestly seem to see that the reason you felt like that was because of HER. I think she felt that you felt like that because YOU were doing the wrong things, and if YOU would stop doing those things, then you wouldn't HAVE to walk on eggshells around her because she wouldn't HAVE to constantly be controlling you. See? It's all twisted from her point of view.

 

With the texting, yeah. Logically back when I was possessive and jealous and insecure, I KNEW that if he didn't text right away it wasn't because he didn't love me or want to be with me, but because I was in love and NEEDED him to be my EVERYTHING, if he didn't text I'd be hurt because I'd assign all these reasons entirely related to ME as to why he hadn't, when obviously it was nothing to do with me.

 

Also, I found that 90% of the time, he WOULD always text reliably and perfectly, so I EXPECTED that. And so when he didn't, it hurt. But I mean, he wasn't perfect. He had to sleep SOMETIMES. He had to eat. He had other responsibilities. I KNEW deep down that he always wanted to be with me, but...sometimes it's hard to get that into your head and show you believe it when you're insecure.

 

And so with you, 90% of the time you tried to be what she wanted and you succeeded some of the time, but in way, the more you try and the more you succeed, the more they expect and so when you "fail", the worse they react.

[IfiKnewThen]

WOW ITS LATE BUT I GOT TO READ UP TO PAGE 4 SO I HAVE TO CONTINUE THIS. LOTS OF READING HERE. sorry for the caps : )

 

ok so i have to catch up more like i said. and BTW stevie 23 is so supportive and gives great advise. i put this thread on a favorites to go back on when i am not so sleepy. but i just wanted to leave you with a link hockey when you have a change to look at it. its one of my favorite threads here too, from a few years back. you have to sift through it though by reading JUST "mcgruffs" steps to healing. trust me this is a good thread. so far i think youre getting good advise and insight from Stevie23 (up till page 4 ). so thats great. but also feel you will find MCGRUPP steps helpful. its such a good read. made me laugh and cry at different parts because i was in soo much pain and i knew i had to get in survival mode quickly as possible. because i wanted to feel alive again. he wrote this a couple of years ago when i was going thru something. now i am going thru something else. haha the fun never ends.....anyway...i also want to say healing is a process. shock, denial, grief, hope, anger ..then acceptance. and you NEED to experience all of this. BUT the key is NOT getting stuck in one emotion. some cancel out the others. they may be in random order. like anger helps cancel out grief... denial helps cancel out shock, hope, cancels grief ..you get the picture. let if flow. when you get stuck..mix it up.

 

also, to help heal.....get a routine going . this is good because after a break up when we go into shock mode...we feel there is nothing we can count on. afterall our world as we knew it and hoped for it to continue just fell apart. so, you have to retrain the brain..that there are things u can still count on. however mundane or stupid. like visit a friend on friday....go to a gym on wednesday. do nothing on tuesdays.

 

also, get your percentages up. this is in the mcgrupp post. it tells how you have to make yourself feel good with something every day. even if it means today you had a sandwich that tasted great. (dont laugh this helps) you are in survival mode now. that gets your i did something good foe me and feel good percentage up even if its on the .001 %. you need to make these add up. trust me read his post.

 

cancel out memories and replace till your stronger. lets say you went out to eat at a restaurant that reminds you of her. most people would tell you dont go there for 7 more years. i found that going there with lets say your MOm (LOL) and have a great time. a good take. a hug there. then tell your brain. this place is NOW special to you because of this. because you two got to spend this time and memory here. AKA retrain the brain. lessen the pain where there are old associations but replacing with current new good memories. eventually this will bring about less anxiety. it can help some people.

 

also, maybe i am way tired its 4 am here and there was soooo much to read int his post. i hope i am not getting it mixed up when i say i thought i read that the 2 of u were in relationships b4 u met? i feel she didnt heal her old relationship for one. also it sounds to me she may have been hurt bad by a man hence tried to explore with a woman since she wasnt a true lesbian.

 

also athough so far i totally agree with stevie's take on things and awesome heartfelt advise...in some sense.. i cant help feel that this girl had some natural triggers that fed into her insecurities which didnt help matters. first off there was distance. you guys didnt see each other but once a week? (mostly) and you enjoyed your porn. and did want to do your own thing a lot of the time and didnt wanta be nagged or have to answer to the same questions. she tried to control the situation from her disadvantage point and you tried to control the situation. was kinda equal here, in my opinion. please read men are from mars women are from venus.distance, porn trips, secrets no matter the reason...valid or not trigger more insecurity. it was circular. she felt something was amiss. porn can feel threatening to her. not because your going to end up with a porn star. but because females CAN feel fantasy looking at beautiful woman pleasing men all day...can get a man expecting more out of their woman or redirecting fantasizing about others in general more than your significant other. so in a sense....you unknowingly triggered more fears that werent so reassuring. that doesnt mean your a BAD guy at ALL! but there are relationship skills that actually foster better relationships, and if you knew better you would have done better. i have to go now. so sleepy and i probably made 1,000 typos. i am gonna return to finish reading this. so slow down on these pages so i can catch up. (just kidding /just kidding ) in the meantime ...be blessed and oh yeah prayer helps too. this is a very painful time but the sooner you get to healing your heart mind and soul, (little patches everyday faithfully) the better off you will be. because in 100 years none of us are gonna be here whether we like it or not. live in this day. get through this day. use all the tools you have. but dont go into drinking. its really an added depressant in the end. and if you never took anti depressants and you feel worse..ween off of them. some can make you feel more depressed and hopeless. balance in all things is key!!! God made the world in balance. the sun moon stars planets all in balance. day... night..etc. it even says in the good book...the bible...there is a time to mourn a time to laugh ..time for peace..and war. point is stay in balance in your mind. dont get stuck. this is the season of healing. a time to heal. and again like jesus said in the bible....dont worry about tomorrow. tomorrow has enough anxiety of its own. i healed once with all these principals. i hope to do it again. also help someone else...when you can. nothing overwhelming. even carrying a package for an old lady to a car. these little things will help you feel good about yourself and help you to forgive yourself, too.

[IfiKnewThen]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/244265-1-year-ago-today

 

heres that aweome post

[stevie_23]

Are you ok, Hockey? No posts today?

 

And hey, lots of good suggestions there, IfiKnewThen, but one I particularly like is creating NEW memories to kind of override or assist in the pain of the old ones.

 

I thought of this yesterday when I was at the same place, almost exactly the same, as I was when I found out my ex had left me. And obviously things were NOT exactly the same, but they were similar enough to be painful in terms of the memories. So I changed the situation and made it different and enjoyable, and if I keep doing that, eventually that new memory will help the older painful one be less...impactful on me.

 

I think we can do this with our own thoughts too, not just specific places or events we associate our exes / memories with. We can learn to create new associations...if we have enough other happiness in our lives in general so that we DO have the ability to transfer the unhappy / painful / longing feelings / memories into more positive new ones.

[hockeyfan99]

Yeah, well...it seems to me like she was trying to kind of...live in a relationship like a normal rational person but she wasn't acting like one most of the time. In terms of the control stuff anyway. The insecurity stuff.

 

Because in a normal relationship and to a normal PERSON in a relationship, of course you don't want to have your partner feel like they're walking on eggshells! And neither did she, but she didn't honestly seem to see that the reason you felt like that was because of HER. I think she felt that you felt like that because YOU were doing the wrong things, and if YOU would stop doing those things, then you wouldn't HAVE to walk on eggshells around her because she wouldn't HAVE to constantly be controlling you. See? It's all twisted from her point of view.

 

With the texting, yeah. Logically back when I was possessive and jealous and insecure, I KNEW that if he didn't text right away it wasn't because he didn't love me or want to be with me, but because I was in love and NEEDED him to be my EVERYTHING, if he didn't text I'd be hurt because I'd assign all these reasons entirely related to ME as to why he hadn't, when obviously it was nothing to do with me.

 

Also, I found that 90% of the time, he WOULD always text reliably and perfectly, so I EXPECTED that. And so when he didn't, it hurt. But I mean, he wasn't perfect. He had to sleep SOMETIMES. He had to eat. He had other responsibilities. I KNEW deep down that he always wanted to be with me, but...sometimes it's hard to get that into your head and show you believe it when you're insecure.

 

And so with you, 90% of the time you tried to be what she wanted and you succeeded some of the time, but in way, the more you try and the more you succeed, the more they expect and so when you "fail", the worse they react.

 

 

sorry stevie.... i was so busy last night and all day today. i read your post yesterday buti just didn't have the time to sit down and reply. i hope you don't hate me forever?? lol i just got home from working the kenny chesney concert. poured a lot of beer for a lot of drunk counrty folks but it was a blast.

 

your eggshell comment makes sense. she often would tell me that she felt that i was making the same mistake over and over and that made HER the way she was. well first off thats partly true. yes i did make a few of the same mistakes but it wasn't all ME that caused her to get the way she was. it didn't help matters but she had her own issue and i just added a little water for them to grow, so to speak. it used to piss me off b/c it was like EVERY mistake i made was NEVER forgotten and put up on a shelf for use at a later time. it was never put to rest so thats why i felt that way. for instance, when i told her that i had thought about another girl (in which i was a friend to this girl) during sex i was never allowed to hand out with her without my ex there and even then it was odd feeling. so i didn't DARE mention that she might be at a party or we might run into her there because she would read into SO DAMN MUCH. so my eggshells were cracking lake crazy. i could never even mention her name or else. all b/c i had a stupid thought pop into my head!!! i mean i know she wasn't happy about it and i wouldn't be a fan of it either if she was thinking about another guy but i would NEVER take it to the point that she did. it was crazy.

 

the texting thing drove me insane. i love my ex more than anyone in the universe but even i am prone to making mistakes and forgetting to call or reply to her text. a lot of time if i did hear the text go off and i just forgot to reply i would just lie about what i was doing so i didn't get an earful. i didn't want to do that but i just didn't want to hear it. me telling her 3-4 times a day that i loved her wasn't enough?? but if i forgot to text or call her she was ON ME!! OMG.....let it go. see i'm laid back about that kinda stuff b/c its not that big of a deal. ok. so you forgot?? big deal. i knew she still loved me and was thinking about me during the day. but for her it was the end of the world. i just really wished that she would have just took a chill pill sometimes when it came to that. we spoke so many times about it b/c i just got sick of her making me feel like total crap all b/c the text or call just slipped my mind, NOT HER.

 

i terms of the more i do the more she expected....that couldn't be more true. a lot of times when i would do something for her that she expected from me i would think to myself, great she seems happy......well then i'm happy. well all the sudden off in the background i could hear the click of the bar going even HIGHER. WTH?? and then that was not enough. ok you want me to stop look at porn, fine....done. CLICK....ok you don't want me to look at maxim, fine....done. CLICK CLICK.....ok you don't want me to look at that SI swimsuit issue, fine....done. CLICK CLICK CLICK. ok you don't want me to look at any cover of a mag and have a sexual thought about that person????? ok so now you want me to wear the custom made blindfold when we're in public?? i give up CLLLLLLLLIIIIICCCCCCKKKKKK. never enough. dinner. staying over more. breakfast. not holding her enough when sleeping. GIVING UP A OLD FRIENDSHIP. i just couldn't seem to get a break. i just really wished that could have seen just how HARD i tried to make her happy and how much her happiness mean't to me EVEN if i made some mistake along the way. i lived for my ex. i devoted EVERYTHING to her. i hardly hung out with my family b/c i wanted to spend all my time with her and make HER happy. all the while i had a (now 13 yr old) niece who i adore and loved spending time with but i loved being with my ex more sorry to say. i just wished that she would have understood my side of things. but it didn't happen that way. ALL she focused on was my mistakes and didn't take into acct (she says she did) all the good things that i did in the 2.5 years we were together. never enough.......

 

 

listen i know people are going to be insecure about various things and thats ok. hell i have a few things myself that i'm insecure about. but i would NEVER let it get in the way of such a beautiful love that i had for someone. i'm NOT blaming my ex for everything. far from it. all i'm trying to say is that my ex failed to see how her actions effected me and then when i would screw up then it made her worse and then me and then her, etc, etc.....

[hockeyfan99]

WOW ITS LATE BUT I GOT TO READ UP TO PAGE 4 SO I HAVE TO CONTINUE THIS. LOTS OF READING HERE. sorry for the caps : )

 

ok so i have to catch up more like i said. and BTW stevie 23 is so supportive and gives great advise. i put this thread on a favorites to go back on when i am not so sleepy. but i just wanted to leave you with a link hockey when you have a change to look at it. its one of my favorite threads here too, from a few years back. you have to sift through it though by reading JUST "mcgruffs" steps to healing. trust me this is a good thread. so far i think youre getting good advise and insight from Stevie23 (up till page 4 ). so thats great. but also feel you will find MCGRUPP steps helpful. its such a good read. made me laugh and cry at different parts because i was in soo much pain and i knew i had to get in survival mode quickly as possible. because i wanted to feel alive again. he wrote this a couple of years ago when i was going thru something. now i am going thru something else. haha the fun never ends.....anyway...i also want to say healing is a process. shock, denial, grief, hope, anger ..then acceptance. and you NEED to experience all of this. BUT the key is NOT getting stuck in one emotion. some cancel out the others. they may be in random order. like anger helps cancel out grief... denial helps cancel out shock, hope, cancels grief ..you get the picture. let if flow. when you get stuck..mix it up.

 

also, to help heal.....get a routine going . this is good because after a break up when we go into shock mode...we feel there is nothing we can count on. afterall our world as we knew it and hoped for it to continue just fell apart. so, you have to retrain the brain..that there are things u can still count on. however mundane or stupid. like visit a friend on friday....go to a gym on wednesday. do nothing on tuesdays.

 

also, get your percentages up. this is in the mcgrupp post. it tells how you have to make yourself feel good with something every day. even if it means today you had a sandwich that tasted great. (dont laugh this helps) you are in survival mode now. that gets your i did something good foe me and feel good percentage up even if its on the .001 %. you need to make these add up. trust me read his post.

 

cancel out memories and replace till your stronger. lets say you went out to eat at a restaurant that reminds you of her. most people would tell you dont go there for 7 more years. i found that going there with lets say your MOm (LOL) and have a great time. a good take. a hug there. then tell your brain. this place is NOW special to you because of this. because you two got to spend this time and memory here. AKA retrain the brain. lessen the pain where there are old associations but replacing with current new good memories. eventually this will bring about less anxiety. it can help some people.

 

also, maybe i am way tired its 4 am here and there was soooo much to read int his post. i hope i am not getting it mixed up when i say i thought i read that the 2 of u were in relationships b4 u met? i feel she didnt heal her old relationship for one. also it sounds to me she may have been hurt bad by a man hence tried to explore with a woman since she wasnt a true lesbian.

 

also athough so far i totally agree with stevie's take on things and awesome heartfelt advise...in some sense.. i cant help feel that this girl had some natural triggers that fed into her insecurities which didnt help matters. first off there was distance. you guys didnt see each other but once a week? (mostly) and you enjoyed your porn. and did want to do your own thing a lot of the time and didnt wanta be nagged or have to answer to the same questions. she tried to control the situation from her disadvantage point and you tried to control the situation. was kinda equal here, in my opinion. please read men are from mars women are from venus.distance, porn trips, secrets no matter the reason...valid or not trigger more insecurity. it was circular. she felt something was amiss. porn can feel threatening to her. not because your going to end up with a porn star. but because females CAN feel fantasy looking at beautiful woman pleasing men all day...can get a man expecting more out of their woman or redirecting fantasizing about others in general more than your significant other. so in a sense....you unknowingly triggered more fears that werent so reassuring. that doesnt mean your a BAD guy at ALL! but there are relationship skills that actually foster better relationships, and if you knew better you would have done better. i have to go now. so sleepy and i probably made 1,000 typos. i am gonna return to finish reading this. so slow down on these pages so i can catch up. (just kidding /just kidding ) in the meantime ...be blessed and oh yeah prayer helps too. this is a very painful time but the sooner you get to healing your heart mind and soul, (little patches everyday faithfully) the better off you will be. because in 100 years none of us are gonna be here whether we like it or not. live in this day. get through this day. use all the tools you have. but dont go into drinking. its really an added depressant in the end. and if you never took anti depressants and you feel worse..ween off of them. some can make you feel more depressed and hopeless. balance in all things is key!!! God made the world in balance. the sun moon stars planets all in balance. day... night..etc. it even says in the good book...the bible...there is a time to mourn a time to laugh ..time for peace..and war. point is stay in balance in your mind. dont get stuck. this is the season of healing. a time to heal. and again like jesus said in the bible....dont worry about tomorrow. tomorrow has enough anxiety of its own. i healed once with all these principals. i hope to do it again. also help someone else...when you can. nothing overwhelming. even carrying a package for an old lady to a car. these little things will help you feel good about yourself and help you to forgive yourself, too.

 

 

thanks for the insight. i will be sure to look into the reading material you suggested. i need all the steps i can get right now. i'm getting better but not as quickly as i would like. i know there is nothing that can speed that up but i sure wish i could.

 

the mere thought of my ex with another guy just tears my heart out and thats the hard part for me right now b/c i have NO WAY of controlling the situation. so for me i have experienced a lot of those steps but right now i'm kinda stuck in the fear and acceptance stage. i can't tell you how many times a day i FEAR that she is out with someone else and i how i just can't ACCEPT that its bound to happen no matter how many times i try to block it from my mind. so i'm stuck right there. i do get angry from time to time but for me its hard to be angry at her b/c i love her so much.

 

for me i have gotten a little routine going. being work right now is SUCH a struggle every single day. i'm so sad b/c when there is down time all i do is sit there and think about my ex and wonder how she is doing and if she is thinking about me and if she is ok. so for me, instead of sitting around the house i like to go for a ride in my car and then i stop at the beach and walk on this boardwalk with a bunch of shops. NOW i'm not there for the shopping. i'm there b/c its quiet, peaceful and VERY relaxing to me. i'm might stop to have a beer and chat with someone there or just watch tv there. but for me it gets me out of the house and channels my feeling on something i enjoy doing rather than work, go home after work, stay at home after work, eat dinner, go to bed. i enjoy the thought of going there while i'm at work and it puts me in a better mood b/c i know it's something i really enjoy. i guess this would sorta apply to the "getting my percentages up". i think about going to the boardwalk during work, it give me something good to look forward to, i go and enjoy myself.

 

the cancelling out memories is going to be hard b/c there were SO many places that we like go. thankfully she lives 40 miles away so a lot of the places that we would frequent are near her side of town. but just being NEAR her place makes me so sad. but i will try going to some the places we would go with some of my family members. good idea.

 

yes we were in relationships that we were both very unhappy. i'm not to sure there was much healing to be done after she broke up with her gf. she was unhappy for a long time and we crossed paths and thats when she decided to move on. same with me. but for her i never did understand why she dated a woman and frankly i didn't really care. i mean i was nervous in the beginning b/c i thought she might "cross back over" and leave me. but soon after i let that fear go and off we went. but she could really never give me an answer. she said it was NOT a stage and that she just like the girl for who she was and did NOT consider herself gay. IDK? i sometimes wonder if THAT had something to do with our issues. its hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes.

 

i get what you're saying about the porn thing. i think for me i had never met ANYONE so AGAINST porn in my life. i figured that b/c we only got to see each other a few days a week that she would be more understanding and allow me to look. i would ask for pics of her and sometimes i would get them. also out of 2.5 years of being together i think i saw her fully naked about 5 times and when i did it was in dim lighting. my ex had an perfect body. i loved every mm of it. so when i don't get to see her that often then i had turn to porn. but i always told her that if we got to see her more often then porn would NEVER be and issue. but again, i would NEVER pick porn over my ex EVER. in fact, i gave it ALL up b/c i saw just hard it was on her and i just couldn't see her that way. i don't know if any of this is making any sense. i didn't need porn. i just needed my ex.

 

well like you, its 4am and i'm beat. going to bed. again thanks for the info. i'll look into it.

[IfiKnewThen]

yeah sorry for the long read, and i thank you for your response. : ) ido promise you this much.....youre gonna enjoy reading that link i sent you. once again ...skip over what everyone else says in the post, just please read MCGRUPPS words. you have to scroll a lot till read read all all of his ten steps and a bit past that. it will be well worth your time

[IfiKnewThen]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/244265-1-year-ago-today

 

 

reposting this master piece. i love the way he words it. lol

[stevie_23]

Oh good, I’m glad you’re ok! Was a bit worried. Lol.

 

I think also, when you say that you loved her more than anyone but even then you could make mistakes sometimes. The word “mistakes” is interesting because having your own life to live even when you’re in a close relationship is NOT making a mistake. Not texting her whenever SHE wanted / needed you to is NOT making a mistake. In HER mind these things are mistakes, but in actual fact, they’re really not.

 

And yes, with people like her, who assign HER-related reasons to everything you do and who expect everything to be related to her and who need constant reassurance that you love her, the more you meet her expectations, the more she expects of you. And the less she will ever be able to have NORMAL expectations because you raise the bar to meet her, and she keeps raising it, because she becomes used to that bar level and it becomes normal and the minimum baseline for her expectations of you, and as soon as you drop below it (which in your mind is being normal and not going above and beyond her expectations, making even MORE effort, etc), it will be instantly viewed by her as disappointing, failing, and you not loving her enough.

 

Nothing is EVER enough for these types of people, because as soon as you dip below that minimum standard, you don’t love her enough. You see it as making extra effort because you love her and have the other factors in place to be able to make that extra effort sometimes (extra free time, you were thinking a certain way that day and wanted to do something special, you felt ok physically, not too tired or stressed, etc), but she sees it as merely satisfying what you SHOULD be doing in the first place. Two totally different outlooks that cause major trouble when they come together.

[hockeyfan99]

Oh good, I’m glad you’re ok! Was a bit worried. Lol.

 

I think also, when you say that you loved her more than anyone but even then you could make mistakes sometimes. The word “mistakes” is interesting because having your own life to live even when you’re in a close relationship is NOT making a mistake. Not texting her whenever SHE wanted / needed you to is NOT making a mistake. In HER mind these things are mistakes, but in actual fact, they’re really not.

 

And yes, with people like her, who assign HER-related reasons to everything you do and who expect everything to be related to her and who need constant reassurance that you love her, the more you meet her expectations, the more she expects of you. And the less she will ever be able to have NORMAL expectations because you raise the bar to meet her, and she keeps raising it, because she becomes used to that bar level and it becomes normal and the minimum baseline for her expectations of you, and as soon as you drop below it (which in your mind is being normal and not going above and beyond her expectations, making even MORE effort, etc), it will be instantly viewed by her as disappointing, failing, and you not loving her enough.

 

Nothing is EVER enough for these types of people, because as soon as you dip below that minimum standard, you don’t love her enough. You see it as making extra effort because you love her and have the other factors in place to be able to make that extra effort sometimes (extra free time, you were thinking a certain way that day and wanted to do something special, you felt ok physically, not too tired or stressed, etc), but she sees it as merely satisfying what you SHOULD be doing in the first place. Two totally different outlooks that cause major trouble when they come together.

 

 

yep i'm A OK

 

i think i'm over the hump with my meds. i'm up to the full 75 mg and i don't really notice any issues like when i was first started taking them. but i don't think they have helped my depression yet but i understand that it takes some time for the meds to help that.

 

i totally understand but i really wished that she could have REALLY seen just how hard i worked in the relationship. she'll say that she saw it but i don't think she saw it the way i did. she saw it the way you mentioned. if i lax off at all, then i must not love her enough. that sucks. i don't understand how someone could feel that way GIVEN all the times i told her just how much i loved her and that she mean't the world to me.

 

i have NEVER in my life been so afraid to make a mistake with someone as a was with my ex. i had to always watch myself and make sure i didn't get out line b/c if i did i felt like i was going get an earful of nonsense. i was SO aware of every move i made around her and i was esp careful about what i said to her for fear that she would read into it too much. i would often find myself thinking about what i wanted to say b/f i actually said it that way i could go over all the possible scenarios that might come up from what i said. it could have been something as simple as asking if she thought of a nice looking actress. to me its a simple question. to her its me telling her that i want to nail her. lol.....EGGSHELL ALERT!!!!! lol so a lot of the time i would just not say a word EVEN if i felt that it was something i think i should be able to ask. NOPE. mouth shut. so sad. i just hated the fact that i just couldn't say whatever i wanted to say. i mean she was my best friend and you should be able to talk to your best friend about ANYTHING. but for her it was a way for her to question me again. so for me, speaking my mind was OFTEN an area that caused a lot of mistakes. i never want to feel that way ever again and i'll never put my self in that situation ever again. i have learn so much from this experience that i could write a book. yes i made mistakes. yes i made the mistake of lying to her about not watch porn when i was. i made the mistake of omitting info, mainly to protect her feelings. i made so many mistakes but really at my age i'm still learning in life. this was the best but also the most difficult relationship i have ever been in. its sad that i say that but its just the "truth".

 

so do you think its too soon to put myself out there? i mean i'm not looking for anything serious but rather someone to hang out with and simple fun things like a movie or putt putt or going to an arcade. i think i can handle something like that and i would upfront with girl right off the bat so that way nobody gets hurt. i'm not ready to be in another serious relationship right now. but i think for me getting out there and doing that without too much expectations is just a way to help my ego a bit. what's your take?