i don't think i can take this pain anymore

[stevie_23]

It’s never too soon and it’s never too late to put yourself out there, my friend. It’s all up to the individual when they feel ready to do it. When they feel interested in sharing themselves with someone, and when they feel interested in learning and developing some enjoyable feelings for someone, you know? And it doesn’t have to be serious or any sort of pressure. Just anything at all you might feel like doing.

 

And yeah, expectations are very important. You can’t STOP yourself from having expectations, but the less you care the less expectations you will have and so the risk of having those expectations unfulfilled is lower. Which is good for a while at least.

[hockeyfan99]

It’s never too soon and it’s never too late to put yourself out there, my friend. It’s all up to the individual when they feel ready to do it. When they feel interested in sharing themselves with someone, and when they feel interested in learning and developing some enjoyable feelings for someone, you know? And it doesn’t have to be serious or any sort of pressure. Just anything at all you might feel like doing.

 

And yeah, expectations are very important. You can’t STOP yourself from having expectations, but the less you care the less expectations you will have and so the risk of having those expectations unfulfilled is lower. Which is good for a while at least.

 

 

yeah, i know what you're saying. i have seen so many nice looking girls that i want to talk to buy i don't know if its too soon. i def not over my ex in any way shape or form. i still think about her ALL the time. i don't know if that is n/c my heart is still broken or if i need to find someone else to help speed things up. but i really don't want to waste too much time sitting around waiting to get over her. you know what i mean? i'm also finding myself being very SUPER cautious about who i would like to talk to just b/c of everything that happened when i was with my ex. also everyone, esp my FAMILY, keeps telling me that i need to find someone around my own age. that might be true in some sense but i prefer to date girls that are younger than me and sometimes there is a fairly large age gap. its just hard to find girls my own age. they are either already married, divorced and then they have that defensive wall up from the start or older and then i'm not attracted to them at all. i told my family that i wasn't going to date anyone that young anymore but i still find myself focusing on the younger girls (mid 20's and older). i just hope that i don't get into a situation when i meet someone who i like but there is another large gap in age and then my family and friends all freak out. so i find myself being VERY concerned about all that.

[hockeyfan99]

just came off my lunch break and took a long walk. feeling really down today and just can't stop think about what my ex is doing at that moment. what did she do over the weekend? is she seeing another guy already? all that crap. i hate these feelings. i feel so helpless when all these emotions come about. but there is nothing i can do about it. its out of my control but its still the worst feeling ever. the hardest part in this day and age is that its SO easy to see whats going on if you just look at someones FB page. i have been tempted so much lately but as the days go by there is going to be more of a chance of her meeting someone and then THAT'S when a pic will show up on her FB page...... so i don't dare look and prob never will. i would end up right back at day 1 of NC and the pain would be TO BIG for me to handle. i would lose my mind.

 

i find it so confusing that i could still want someone back after all the stuff i went through. i don't understand why we do this? i mean i love her death but the relationship wasn't good because of all the issues we had. but i still desire her in my life. LOVE.......messes with your mind.

[hockeyfan99]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/244265-1-year-ago-today

 

heres that aweome post

 

 

ok. i have read that post 3 times now and i really like the advise. its almost like a big brother giving me the low-down on how to get over all this crap and that i will be A ok. i think the ONE thing i learned most and i already kinda knew it and that was to STAY IN NC. that is so important. w/o NC you will have a flood of emotions come back and it will nearly impossible to control them. NC has been super hard for me but it does get better and better everyday. i have my moments, like today but i realize that breaking NC would do nothing for me. NOTHING.

[IfiKnewThen]

did u get any chance to read that post? just curious. its not a cure or answer to what you and you alone feel and are going thru in your own body , mind and soul. its just a power booster.

[stevie_23]

WHY do you prefer to date girls who are younger than you? If it’s because you like the idea of taking care of them and supporting them and showing them new things and all of that, then that’s nice, but sometimes you will have to deal with the not so good things that can come with a younger girl…like you experienced with your ex, for instance.

 

Also, if you DO want to talk to girls or whatever, that’s great that you have that interest. If you want to, go for it! Don’t hold yourself back because of any fear of what you should or should not be doing. Just do what you feel like, you know? Also, try not to put too much pressure on anything. I know you’re not ready for a relationship, but don’t even feel pressured to have ANY sort of specific type of interaction or experience with a woman. Just meet people if you want, get to know them, enjoy them for who they are as people, without any expectations of what they can do for you or how you may be in terms of a friendship or relationship or fun time or anything at all. Make any interactions you have about the PERSON, not the TYPE of interaction. Meaning, you are talking with a girl because you enjoy her personality, not because you MIGHT be with her in a relationship one day, or a friendship, or because you’re “dating” her, or whatever else.

 

I think if you DID get together with another girl who was younger, you would hopefully be much more aware this time of what you want in a girl / in a relationship (regardless of age) so HOPEFULLY there wouldn’t be quite so many issues the next time…if you look out for “warning signs” and try to stick to what you know you want in a relationship and from a girl.

 

Yes, social media IS hard. I only have one available place where I know my ex goes to post (a songwriting forum) and I admit I check it everyday. It has become a reassurance. Until I see something blatantly telling me he hates me or is with someone else, it’s a reassurance and a comfort, so I continue to do it (even though really, there can never BE any proper reassurance in the absence of direct information from him to me). I know the feeling when you try NOT to check up online. It’s really hard. And it gets worse the longer you try not to do it. I did try not to earlier on after the breakup, and it sometimes felt like ants were crawling under my skin! So I just gave in and checked it. I couldn’t stand to NOT know…

 

For you, I’d say either check (but then you WILL be somewhat obsessed I think, on finding out what she’s doing and it will NEVER give you any peace because it’ll be indirect information. You won’t REALLY know what she’s feeling and thinking based on social media posts) or (and I recommend this option) just NEVER check her online stuff EVER again. Do something so it is IMPOSSIBLE to check up on her. Once that option is removed, it’s a LOT easier.

 

Yes. Love DOES mess with your mind. It’s irrational. It’s very, very difficult.

[IfiKnewThen]

oops i didnt see your post that you read it till now ROFL.:laugh:

 

but sorry it couldnt do more for u... by the time i got to point 10 i really realized how important percentages were to survive. it not her... its not getting "her" back, your ex girlfriend, just a life raft to get on board with for survial purposes. even for 5 mins of a brother pep talk. anyway..thanks for taking a peek at it. God bless.

[IfiKnewThen]

oh and ps . i dont agree, necessarily. i think that "contact" at the right time can do wonders. in the bible it says there is a time for everything and every purpose under the heavens. its all about timing and purpose.

 

to me people get closure in all different ways. most of the time you are feeling bad about how you treated her or what you could have done better. sometimes contract can be productive for healing if done in the right way at the right time. and i am not talking about getting "them" back. i remember thanking an ex for all he did for me....because trust me he was a saint who did a lot for me and it was a LDR. he managed to be there for me more LD than people were there for me in person. OMG everytime i think of how he helped me and supported me emotionally with my family. how he came to my side when my mom was dying of cancer....how he held her body off the bed so her bed sores in the hospital wouldnt hurt her. how he prayed over her. you bet i thanked him for that. and i said i was sorry for being stubborn and proud and not treating him with more loving kindness and understanding when i was with him . i told him how i made a huge mistake when we were together not showing my love more.. i spoke from the soul. and even though he left and got married to someone, i knew i said every word i wanted to say in the end. i told him i was hurt how he went about leaving me but that understood it. i may have regretted how i treated him while together...but i got to say what was in my heart when we parted. no more games. did i hope he'd come back yes. could he have....it was possible..only God knows for sure. but i left knowing i said and did all i could and made some peace with my past. that made healing a bit easier for me i think. i still think about him with fondness. its not all about N/C. its about meaningful contact and closure and acceptance. and timing. how many times do we say i wish i did this or i wish i did that and we didnt do it at the time we should have. so if there is something in your heart..say it and then move forward. i hate saying "just move on" like people say. its hard to discard all those years. but i say move forward. ok i am done on my soapbox take care again.

Edited March 19, 2013 by IfiKnewThen

[hockeyfan99]

WHY do you prefer to date girls who are younger than you? If it’s because you like the idea of taking care of them and supporting them and showing them new things and all of that, then that’s nice, but sometimes you will have to deal with the not so good things that can come with a younger girl…like you experienced with your ex, for instance.

 

Also, if you DO want to talk to girls or whatever, that’s great that you have that interest. If you want to, go for it! Don’t hold yourself back because of any fear of what you should or should not be doing. Just do what you feel like, you know? Also, try not to put too much pressure on anything. I know you’re not ready for a relationship, but don’t even feel pressured to have ANY sort of specific type of interaction or experience with a woman. Just meet people if you want, get to know them, enjoy them for who they are as people, without any expectations of what they can do for you or how you may be in terms of a friendship or relationship or fun time or anything at all. Make any interactions you have about the PERSON, not the TYPE of interaction. Meaning, you are talking with a girl because you enjoy her personality, not because you MIGHT be with her in a relationship one day, or a friendship, or because you’re “dating” her, or whatever else.

 

I think if you DID get together with another girl who was younger, you would hopefully be much more aware this time of what you want in a girl / in a relationship (regardless of age) so HOPEFULLY there wouldn’t be quite so many issues the next time…if you look out for “warning signs” and try to stick to what you know you want in a relationship and from a girl.

 

Yes, social media IS hard. I only have one available place where I know my ex goes to post (a songwriting forum) and I admit I check it everyday. It has become a reassurance. Until I see something blatantly telling me he hates me or is with someone else, it’s a reassurance and a comfort, so I continue to do it (even though really, there can never BE any proper reassurance in the absence of direct information from him to me). I know the feeling when you try NOT to check up online. It’s really hard. And it gets worse the longer you try not to do it. I did try not to earlier on after the breakup, and it sometimes felt like ants were crawling under my skin! So I just gave in and checked it. I couldn’t stand to NOT know…

 

For you, I’d say either check (but then you WILL be somewhat obsessed I think, on finding out what she’s doing and it will NEVER give you any peace because it’ll be indirect information. You won’t REALLY know what she’s feeling and thinking based on social media posts) or (and I recommend this option) just NEVER check her online stuff EVER again. Do something so it is IMPOSSIBLE to check up on her. Once that option is removed, it’s a LOT easier.

 

Yes. Love DOES mess with your mind. It’s irrational. It’s very, very difficult.

 

 

i don't really know why i like to date younger girls. i think its because i'm young at heart and i like the youthfulness too. but dating someone much younger does have its cons too and i found out the hard way. but i'm def not trying to take care of them or anything like that. i just think their not a serious in life. not lazy and stupid, just more fun. i could NEVER date someone my own age. it just wouldn't feel right to me. ideally i would like to meet someone around 30-35 but thats so tough. all the good ones are taken

 

i understand what you're saying. i'm def not ready for a relationship and frankly i don't want it either. boy i wish i would have read your post before tonight b/c i have somewhat sucky news . i met this really nice girl that i talk to when i go for my walks and i've been chatting with her for a week or two. she is really nice and friendly. so tonight i got up the courage to ask if she wanted to "just hang out" sometime and she said sure but when i asked her for her number so i could call her, she rejected me.....WOW. what a blow to my ego. i mean i just want to be friends with her. i made no notions that i wanted anything else more than that and to not even be able to get her number was like a kick to the nuts. i didn't need that. i guess i put to much into it. i was just shocked b/c its not like i just met her tonight and asked. i've spoken to her about 5-6 times over a week or two. so i thought for sure she knew me well enough to at least let me call her sometime to just "hang out". boy i felt like such a jackass when i left. i wasn't mad at her at all. she didn't do anything wrong. i just kept saying on the way home, "what the hell did i say so wrong that i can't make a new friend?" i even asked her earlier in the chat if she wanted to hang out and go see a hockey game and she said sure. then i thought for sure getting number to call her would be easier seeing that i have to be able to call her to ask if she wanted to go. NOPE.....rejected damn this sucks. i don't know what to do now. i feel so stupid right now. i think the next time i see her i'm going to tell that i'm sorry if i was being to forward and let her know that i'm not looking for a relationship or anything like that at all. i thought she knew that. i never once hit on her. it was just friendly chatting. in fact i walked by where she worked and i didn't see her but she saw me and called for me to come over. that made me feel good that she wanted to talk to me. she even asked about things i had mentioned to her. i told her about the concert i worked on Sat about a week ago and she asked me how that went. so to me she seemed to be taking an interest in what i had to say. she even asked me to come back later on last night b/c she was busy at the time and wanted to talk . so i came back and we had a good talk. i just don't get it. i feel so deflated right now. i was just trying to make a new friend and i can't even do that right. damn it all. oh well i guess. single and no new friends. bad combo.....

 

i have already decided that there is no way i'm going to look at her page anymore and i told everyone i know not to mention ANYTHING to me if they see something on there. i don't want to know b/c i will lose my mind right now. i used to look all the time but as time passed the more nervous i became b/c there was more of a chance of seeing something i didn't like. but now i have decided that NOT looking would be the best option for me even though its SO tempting everyday. i would fall to pieces if i found out something i didn't want to hear or see. i can't take that right now even though the thought of her seeing somebody else dominates my thought process all day and it kills me to think of it....

 

not a good night for me.

[stevie_23]

Well, you can find some older women (not older than you, but closer to your age) who are also young at heart and yet hopefully don’t have as high a likelihood of immature hangups like your ex. (I just read a bit of my previous post and the way I said “WHY do you like younger girls” made me sound all accusing and negative! I’m sorry if it came across that way. It really wasn’t intended to. I was just curious as to why you do tend to prefer younger girls. I didn’t mean it was a BAD thing that you do. Lol)

 

Anyway, do NOT worry about that girl who didn’t want to give you her number. Not EVERY single person in the world is going to like you and want to be with you, AND add to that the fact that what I told you in my last post, about having no expectations and not needing to necessarily DEFINE what any new interactions with girls will be, most people don’t live by that rule. That girl who “rejected” you probably doesn’t want a boyfriend so she didn’t want your number. You know what I mean? So she’s missed out on getting to know you better as a person, or maybe as a friend, or who knows what else down the track, because she had too many expectations way too early.

 

Also, sometimes someone really CAN like someone’s company, but as soon as something more “formal” or commitment-related (like giving out a number) happens, it’s threatening and confronting, so they back off.

 

Also, some girls just do NOT have any friends who are boys, full stop. All my male friends are gay. I mean…that’s quite common. Girls and guys, both straight, just have so many assumptions and expectations of each other and often just find those friendships too complicated. It’s a shame. But it’s not YOUR fault.

 

Again, you know what you’re doing, don’t you? You’re taking RESPONSIBILITY for how THIS particular girl feels! Stop that, man! Ok? Lol. Seriously.

[hockeyfan99]

Well, you can find some older women (not older than you, but closer to your age) who are also young at heart and yet hopefully don’t have as high a likelihood of immature hangups like your ex. (I just read a bit of my previous post and the way I said “WHY do you like younger girls” made me sound all accusing and negative! I’m sorry if it came across that way. It really wasn’t intended to. I was just curious as to why you do tend to prefer younger girls. I didn’t mean it was a BAD thing that you do. Lol)

 

Anyway, do NOT worry about that girl who didn’t want to give you her number. Not EVERY single person in the world is going to like you and want to be with you, AND add to that the fact that what I told you in my last post, about having no expectations and not needing to necessarily DEFINE what any new interactions with girls will be, most people don’t live by that rule. That girl who “rejected” you probably doesn’t want a boyfriend so she didn’t want your number. You know what I mean? So she’s missed out on getting to know you better as a person, or maybe as a friend, or who knows what else down the track, because she had too many expectations way too early.

 

Also, sometimes someone really CAN like someone’s company, but as soon as something more “formal” or commitment-related (like giving out a number) happens, it’s threatening and confronting, so they back off.

 

Also, some girls just do NOT have any friends who are boys, full stop. All my male friends are gay. I mean…that’s quite common. Girls and guys, both straight, just have so many assumptions and expectations of each other and often just find those friendships too complicated. It’s a shame. But it’s not YOUR fault.

 

Again, you know what you’re doing, don’t you? You’re taking RESPONSIBILITY for how THIS particular girl feels! Stop that, man! Ok? Lol. Seriously.

 

 

i know. i'm sorry that keep taking responsibility for how someone else feels. its a bad habit of mine i guess. i need to work on that.

 

oh i didn't take your "WHY" that way. i knew what you mean't so no worries.

 

i know what you mean by trying to find someone closer to my age range. maybe thats my problem with the girls that i have dated the last 8 years or so. most have been younger than me by at least 10+ years. i never factored in the issues of dating someone so much younger when i met my ex. all i knew is that i loved her to death and i was going to give it all i had but we both know how that turned out.

 

as for the girl, what an odd situation. so what you're saying is that i had too much expectations that she would at least like me enough for her to give me her number? if thats the case then i can see where you're coming from. i think i really should have hinted more often in our chats that i wasn't looking for anything more than a friendship. the thing that bothers me is that i even asked her if i was bothering her in any way and if i was to please let me know and that i promise i won't be mad at her for telling me the truth. so all the stars were lining up for me to ask for her number to hang out sometime and then the s**t hit the fan, so to speak. too much expectations on both my end and hers i guess. now i don't know how to act around her the next time i see her. i don't want her to think i'm mad at her. i guess i'll just have to stay away from her shop for a bit and then drop by one day and see how it goes from there. geeezzzzz, i just want to be freakin friends damn it!! lol

 

i see what you mean by the whole formal thing. i knew i shouldn't worn that tux tonight......too formal you think?? LOL :) all kidding aside. i understand what you mean. she prob feel bad for turning me down. at least i would like to think thats what she's thinking...not to be mean. but rather for her to rethink what she said to me and that maybe she over thought it a bit and shot me down. oh well. next time i ask another girl to hang out i'm wearing a cup b/c another crack to the nuts is just too much for me right now.

[stevie_23]

Well, in terms of what I was saying about expectations…I meant SHE had expectations that YOU wanted more than just a casual friendship and to just hang out with her more. Whenever a guy asks for your number it means “I want to go out with you to date, have sex and then eventually be your boyfriend ideally”. That’s just what girls think. So that’s HER expectation. Everyone has expectations and sometimes they just get in the way.

 

She MAY find you a bit…needy perhaps. Have you talked about your ex a lot with her? The fact you asked her if you were bothering her may have made her feel like you care a LOT what she thinks, which girls also find a bit…uncomfortable sometimes, if it comes from people they don’t know that well yet. And if it’s a guy, especially (with those expectations I talked about before).

 

Don’t avoid her shop. I’d go with the thing that you said before about maybe saying sorry if you made her uncomfortable by asking for her number. Just that you enjoy her company and wanted to be friends, that’s all.

 

Heheh, the tux, eh? Spiffy. Lol. Nah, the “formality” of it…it’s like, she may already SEE you as a friend…just a relaxed, no pressure interaction she enjoys with you, whenever and if ever it happens. No plans, no “formality”. But as soon as you want to MAKE it more of a “plan”, a more definite, “formal” thing (asking for her number), she may assume you want MORE than what you already have…

[hockeyfan99]

Well, in terms of what I was saying about expectations…I meant SHE had expectations that YOU wanted more than just a casual friendship and to just hang out with her more. Whenever a guy asks for your number it means “I want to go out with you to date, have sex and then eventually be your boyfriend ideally”. That’s just what girls think. So that’s HER expectation. Everyone has expectations and sometimes they just get in the way.

 

She MAY find you a bit…needy perhaps. Have you talked about your ex a lot with her? The fact you asked her if you were bothering her may have made her feel like you care a LOT what she thinks, which girls also find a bit…uncomfortable sometimes, if it comes from people they don’t know that well yet. And if it’s a guy, especially (with those expectations I talked about before).

 

Don’t avoid her shop. I’d go with the thing that you said before about maybe saying sorry if you made her uncomfortable by asking for her number. Just that you enjoy her company and wanted to be friends, that’s all.

 

Heheh, the tux, eh? Spiffy. Lol. Nah, the “formality” of it…it’s like, she may already SEE you as a friend…just a relaxed, no pressure interaction she enjoys with you, whenever and if ever it happens. No plans, no “formality”. But as soon as you want to MAKE it more of a “plan”, a more definite, “formal” thing (asking for her number), she may assume you want MORE than what you already have…

 

 

ah i get where you're coming from. in her mind she is thinking more than what i was thinking. i should have made it TOTALLY clear when i asked that i wanted her number just as friends and nothing more but i didn't. she is cute and yes i did think about sex with her in my head but i never mentioned it to her at all or even gave her the notion. but i DEF did not give of the impression that i wanted to be her boyfriend. oh well but i can see where you're coming from.

 

i never mentioned my ex in that way. i think i only said "well my ex and i".....twice over the period of the two weeks. but i never mentioned to her about the breakup at all. i just didn't want to bring down the convo and also i didn't want to come off as "the guy looking for another girl after he just got dumped." in fact she brought up first that she didn't have a boyfriend without me asking. i found it odd but it made me feel better that i still had some sort of shot to at least be friends with her outside where she worked. the only reason i asked her if i was bothering her was b/c she was at her job and i didn't want to get her into trouble or be some stupid guy hanging around and what not.

 

she just gave me all these signs that SHE was interested in me. the first time i met her i was walking thru the shop she started chatting right up with me. i mean thats her job but it went way beyond that. then i didn't see her for almost a whole week and thats when i walked by and SHE called me over to talk. and then i stopped by on Sunday and she def wanted to talk and asked me to come back later that night. in fact, i got there kinda late and she said, "i was beginning to wonder if you were going to come back?" so i my mind i was thinking that she was thinking about me. so when i asked to go see a hockey game, because she is such a huge fan, i figured it would be easy to get her number but thats when i the foot came out and got me right in the package. OUCH....i don't thin i have ever felt so embarrassed about something along those lines in all my life. i couldn't get out and get to my car fast enough. lol.

 

i think i'm going to skip going there tonight. i don't want to overdue it. i don't want to come across as being desperate or something. i'll wait a few days and then stop by and tell her i'm sorry. let her sweat it out a bit. lol

[hockeyfan99]

stevie....do you have any strategies for helping me to stop think about her with another guy? i'm finding as time passes, its becoming more and more difficult to block it out b/c i know that there is going to be more chances once she is starting to put herself out there. i'm really struggling with this. i know i have no control over her situation but i just can't seem to block it out of my mind. i need help with this really bad. i have been thinking about her all morning and its driving me crazy. is this just a time thing or an acceptance thing? do you think it will get better for me once i move on with someone else? this is so hard.....

[yessy21]

>>> HUG<<<< theres a reason why its called a broken heart. Cry on our shoulders... tears are the best expressed words.

[hockeyfan99]

>>> HUG<<<< theres a reason why its called a broken heart. Cry on our shoulders... tears are the best expressed words.

 

 

thank you

[stevie_23]

The only “strategy” I can really think of that I actually believe is useful in the long term is to simply let the images come, when you think of her with another guy, but remain as calm as possible. Watch the images as if they’re just on a TV screen in your mind and you don’t necessarily FEEL anything about them yourself. They’re just there, passing through. They exist in your mind…but also remain aware that they are not REALITY. She is not with another guy at the moment.

 

But the reason I say you shouldn’t try to AVOID these images coming into your head is because one day she WILL be with another guy. And you probably won’t even know when that day happens. And it shouldn’t matter, but it does. (but it WON’T matter forever).

 

Also, separate the image of her and another guy and the feelings you assign to that image. You may feel…if she’s with another guy…that she’s rejected you even more, she’s betrayed you, she never loved you, she definitely doesn’t love you now, you are all alone cause only YOU feel sadness and emptiness after the end of this relationship, she MUST love the new guy more than she ever loved you…all of those things, you’d be feeling. And they’re all quite unpleasant emotions to be feeling, especially when there’s no REASON to.

 

Firstly, on an emotional level, if she is with another guy one day, it doesn’t have a SINGLE THING to do with YOU and her and your relationship together. It has NOTHING to do with it. It doesn’t cancel out the importance of your relationship and the feelings you shared and the feelings she had. It does not mean any new guy is BETTER than you. It does not mean you were lacking in the relationship.

 

Secondly, try to “passify” the images and thoughts of her and a new guy. If she IS with a new guy? So be it. Right now, this may be the worst thing that can happen to you in terms of this situation with that relationship. But if you imagine that you really DID find out she was with another guy…try to go through how you would really feel. List each feeling and try to work out why you feel it. Then tell me, ok? And see how many of those feelings match up with the stuff I wrote earlier in here. And if that’s the absolute WORST that can ever happen now in this situation? It’ll be over. Done. No more fear. No more wondering. You can move on. And know that none of it means your relationship wasn’t valid, wasn’t important to her as well as to you, and that she didn’t love you – of course she did.

 

Lastly, on a practical level, it’s NOT actually happening at the moment. And when it DOES happen, you won’t know. And you hopefully won’t care by then.

 

AND think of the new guy. He may be a nice enough guy, but will THEY be happy? Because of HER issues and unrealistic expectations? I mean, she’s a nice girl. But…would you REALLY want to be in this hypothetical new guy’s shoes? Not knowing what he’s getting into and eventually being worn down and feeling not good enough?

 

I’m not good with strategies, sorry. Lol.

[hockeyfan99]

The only “strategy” I can really think of that I actually believe is useful in the long term is to simply let the images come, when you think of her with another guy, but remain as calm as possible. Watch the images as if they’re just on a TV screen in your mind and you don’t necessarily FEEL anything about them yourself. They’re just there, passing through. They exist in your mind…but also remain aware that they are not REALITY. She is not with another guy at the moment.

 

But the reason I say you shouldn’t try to AVOID these images coming into your head is because one day she WILL be with another guy. And you probably won’t even know when that day happens. And it shouldn’t matter, but it does. (but it WON’T matter forever).

 

Also, separate the image of her and another guy and the feelings you assign to that image. You may feel…if she’s with another guy…that she’s rejected you even more, she’s betrayed you, she never loved you, she definitely doesn’t love you now, you are all alone cause only YOU feel sadness and emptiness after the end of this relationship, she MUST love the new guy more than she ever loved you…all of those things, you’d be feeling. And they’re all quite unpleasant emotions to be feeling, especially when there’s no REASON to.

 

Firstly, on an emotional level, if she is with another guy one day, it doesn’t have a SINGLE THING to do with YOU and her and your relationship together. It has NOTHING to do with it. It doesn’t cancel out the importance of your relationship and the feelings you shared and the feelings she had. It does not mean any new guy is BETTER than you. It does not mean you were lacking in the relationship.

 

Secondly, try to “passify” the images and thoughts of her and a new guy. If she IS with a new guy? So be it. Right now, this may be the worst thing that can happen to you in terms of this situation with that relationship. But if you imagine that you really DID find out she was with another guy…try to go through how you would really feel. List each feeling and try to work out why you feel it. Then tell me, ok? And see how many of those feelings match up with the stuff I wrote earlier in here. And if that’s the absolute WORST that can ever happen now in this situation? It’ll be over. Done. No more fear. No more wondering. You can move on. And know that none of it means your relationship wasn’t valid, wasn’t important to her as well as to you, and that she didn’t love you – of course she did.

 

Lastly, on a practical level, it’s NOT actually happening at the moment. And when it DOES happen, you won’t know. And you hopefully won’t care by then.

 

AND think of the new guy. He may be a nice enough guy, but will THEY be happy? Because of HER issues and unrealistic expectations? I mean, she’s a nice girl. But…would you REALLY want to be in this hypothetical new guy’s shoes? Not knowing what he’s getting into and eventually being worn down and feeling not good enough?

 

I’m not good with strategies, sorry. Lol.

 

 

these images come in like a wave and hit me and sometimes i struggle with it a lot. i try to stay calm and for the most part i do. its just really hard.

 

i do feel like if she was to be with another guys that she really likes him WAY more than me. its so hard not to think that way. i want to cry so bad right now.... but anyways, i feel like she feels a million times better now that i'm not in her life and that just kills me. its hard for me to not think of me lacking in the relationship. i was lacking her trust big time and i will never get over what i did to her and how i hurt her. its just makes me so sad that i could do something like that to someone i loved SO SO much.

 

when i picture her, i see her out with some guy and they are holding hands and laughing and kissing and her thinking to herself, GOD I'M SO HAPPY HE IS OUT OF MY LIFE. it just sucks so bad. the thought of her sleeping with another guy haunts me every night when i go to sleep. thats a hard one to block out.

 

the emotions that i have right now when i think about her with another guy is FEAR.....fear thats it truly over and she is never coming back at all. SADNESS....because she is happy and moving on and i'm sitting here all alone trying to put myself out there and having NO LUCK. ANGER.....because she is putting me through all this all the while she is out having a blast with him but also anger at myself for messing up and her breaking up with me. LONELINESS....i feel this way again b/c if she has someone new then i'm all alone. CONFUSION.....b/c i have no idea how to start all over again and if i'm ever going to meet someone again.

 

on a side not, i went down and told that girl that i was sorry and she seemed ok. she wasn't mad. she just wasn't as willing to have me around anymore and that made me REALLY sad. so i just spoke to her long enough to say what i had to say. i was hoping that she would tell me to hang out for a bit but she didn't. so i took that as a "get lost" type feeling. i truly just wanted to be friends with her and i went and messed that up. so i went down a ways and sat a pub i like to go to and had a beer and of course NOBODY talked to me. i feel SO incredibly alone right now. i feel like i'm never going to met anyone, ESP at my age. i'm so scared of being alone right now that its hard to control my emotions at times. i wanted to talk to the cute bartender and just chat with her but she seemed 10000000% uninterested. am i that freakin bad?? i'm really nice. i was much quieter then the jackass drunks sitting near me. but of course she is talking to them and not me.......nice guys ALWAYS finish last. i hate that saying so much. but i thought i was going to break down on the way home b/c i have no idea how i'm going to meet the next girl. i really don't want to be single all my life. when i'm taking a walk, i smile at girls and i might say hi in a nice way. not in a "i'm hitting on you way". but they don't respond to me at all. right now that biggest emotion i'm having is that i feel like NO girl and checking me out. while in the back of my mind i feel like every guy in the world is checking out my ex and she is enjoying all the attention........

 

i'm so sad tonight that its not even funny....

[stevie_23]

Ok, I'll come back and talk about how you feel when you picture your ex with someone else later when I get more time, but for now, BIG HUGS to you. Try not to feel too sad...your worth as a person is not defined by anyone else's opinion of you and your so-called social appeal.

 

If you wanted to have a drink in that bar, good for you. Who cares if nobody talked to you. People tend to keep to themselves or their groups in those places and it's fine. Again, remember. No expectations. No pressure. No taking responsibility for OTHER'S actions, or lack thereof. Ok? You were there to have a drink and the fact nobody talked to you should have nothing to do with that, and shouldn't affect your enjoyment of that drink.

 

Similarly, I think maybe it WAS too early for you to be trying to make new friends, if this girl's disinterest has affected you this way, you know? She MAY have sensed you were putting pressure on things...like to have her as a friend because you enjoy her company, and she backed off. You may be giving off a bit of a low self esteem vibe, or a slight desperation vibe, and people don't like this...it's not your FAULT, so don't feel bad or blame yourself, ok? It just may be what's happening slightly, though you're STILL not responsible for how SHE feels.

 

I'll talk more about your feelings about her and someone new later, my friend. Try to keep your chin up. I'D have a drink with you in a second if I were there!!! And I'm not just any random person. I'm a hot 34 year old Australian girl! lol

[hockeyfan99]

Ok, I'll come back and talk about how you feel when you picture your ex with someone else later when I get more time, but for now, BIG HUGS to you. Try not to feel too sad...your worth as a person is not defined by anyone else's opinion of you and your so-called social appeal.

 

If you wanted to have a drink in that bar, good for you. Who cares if nobody talked to you. People tend to keep to themselves or their groups in those places and it's fine. Again, remember. No expectations. No pressure. No taking responsibility for OTHER'S actions, or lack thereof. Ok? You were there to have a drink and the fact nobody talked to you should have nothing to do with that, and shouldn't affect your enjoyment of that drink.

 

Similarly, I think maybe it WAS too early for you to be trying to make new friends, if this girl's disinterest has affected you this way, you know? She MAY have sensed you were putting pressure on things...like to have her as a friend because you enjoy her company, and she backed off. You may be giving off a bit of a low self esteem vibe, or a slight desperation vibe, and people don't like this...it's not your FAULT, so don't feel bad or blame yourself, ok? It just may be what's happening slightly, though you're STILL not responsible for how SHE feels.

 

I'll talk more about your feelings about her and someone new later, my friend. Try to keep your chin up. I'D have a drink with you in a second if I were there!!! And I'm not just any random person. I'm a hot 34 year old Australian girl! lol

 

thanks, i really really needed that hug. i'm trying so hard to not be down and thats why i go out so much. i'm just so sick of sitting around the house doing nothing. can't meet anyone that way.

 

i think half of the reason i go have a drink is that i'm just hoping to strike up a convo with anyone. so i guess i'm putting too much expectations on having the drink and what might come out of it. the was such a super cute bartender working last night and i was just praying that she would say something to me but she didn't. she was too interested in talking to the drunks acting like A holes as i'm trying to sit there and relax. oh well. maybe next time. but again. to much expectation. maybe i'm trying too hard. i just feel like at my age time is running out. in my 20's it was far easier to meet people. 30's got a little harder. now that i'm 41 it seems impossible and the real kicker is that i don't feel 41 at all. more like someone in their mid 30's. so i guess i need to just go in, have a drink and if something happens great and if it didn't then great too? no expectations and no pressure.

 

i know what you mean by the friend thing. i just don't want to get stuck in that rut of staying at home and not trying to get out there and talk to people. i've never really done this bf. in the past i had friends to hang out with and introduce me to others but thats not the case anymore. thats how i met my ex, through a friend. cause for 5 months now i have been sitting around the house or hanging out with my family (not a bad thing) but its really hard to meet new people that way. so when that girl started to strike up a convo with me, it made me feel so good and i was comfortable talking to her and i was feeling great like i STILL HAD IT!! but then the kick in nuts totally brought me down out of the clouds and last night sitting at the bar i felt like i was at square one all over again. and to top it off nobody there talked to me either. so it just kinda sucked. but again. too much expectation and too much pressure.

 

i think i'm trying to act out like they do in the movies. you sit down at a bar alone and after awhile i nice girl will come up to you and strike up a convo. so when that doesn't happen i get down on myself. again too much exp and too much pressure. gotta stop playing a part in that film.

 

i just want to meet somoeone so bad. i think for me i feel like i want meet someone bf the ex does so that way 1) it will make her feel like she made a bad choice. 2) if she meets someone herself i won't feel like such a loser and left out. 3) THE BIGGEST POINT....i'm not getting any younger and i feel like time is running out.

 

OMG...i would give anything to have a drink with you. nothing like a totally hot 34 yr old aussie with i sexy aussie accent. that would be the BEST drink EVER!!!!! that gives me something to dream about all day.

[yessy21]

May i express a bit of advice.... it might or might not work.

 

Have fun. Step out of your boundaries. Sh*t, sweep your living room naked... with all the windows open! Yea WITH THE WINDOWS OPEN! and dance and shake it and laugh. GO make a mudpile and dive into that Sh*t! go flash ur chest in FANTASY FEST this year! GEt on a roller coaster!!

[yessy21]

Get sooo drunk that your brother will find you laying on the front door with your pants halfway down cause you couldnt make it to the bed! and then when he gets you to a bed have your sister kick you out for being drunk and NAKED! BE WILD! jump of a perfectly good plane (with a parachute of course) 14,000 feet in the air!

[hockeyfan99]

May i express a bit of advice.... it might or might not work.

 

Have fun. Step out of your boundaries. Sh*t, sweep your living room naked... with all the windows open! Yea WITH THE WINDOWS OPEN! and dance and shake it and laugh. GO make a mudpile and dive into that Sh*t! go flash ur chest in FANTASY FEST this year! GEt on a roller coaster!!

 

 

LOL...ok? all the naked stuff sound like fun put these feet are staying on the ground. i don't need to worry about anything more than i need to such as jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. but i see what you're getting at. streak maybe??......maybe not. don't want to do jail time. lol

 

thanks for the advice. i needed a good laugh today.

[yessy21]

your welcome... i speak from personal experience... whenever i feel like ive had enough i do something a little crazy... except for the roller coaster i didnt do that.

[hockeyfan99]

your welcome... i speak from personal experience... whenever i feel like ive had enough i do something a little crazy... except for the roller coaster i didnt do that.

 

me neither...