i don't think i can take this pain anymore

[stevie_23]

Well…in a way, this is a GOOD thing. You’ve been surprised and had your footing knocked out from under you a bit by her texting, but it IS a good thing. You WANTED her to be thinking about you and you now know she is. You WANTED her to be missing you and to be sorry for ending the relationship, and you now know she is. So…this is the reason why I told you before that wanting those things is pointless because it would change nothing, and now you can see that plainly, in the harsh light of reality, right? So what if she misses you and thinks of you and is sorry? Doesn’t change a single thing. But at least you can take the comfort that she didn’t just forget you and never think of you again because she never cared. That’s the good part of all of this. AND it’s good that your mind is set enough in reality that you also know this doesn’t change what’s happened and doesn’t change what CAN happen in the future either.

 

So yeah. You’ll be ok.

[hockeyfan99]

Well…in a way, this is a GOOD thing. You’ve been surprised and had your footing knocked out from under you a bit by her texting, but it IS a good thing. You WANTED her to be thinking about you and you now know she is. You WANTED her to be missing you and to be sorry for ending the relationship, and you now know she is. So…this is the reason why I told you before that wanting those things is pointless because it would change nothing, and now you can see that plainly, in the harsh light of reality, right? So what if she misses you and thinks of you and is sorry? Doesn’t change a single thing. But at least you can take the comfort that she didn’t just forget you and never think of you again because she never cared. That’s the good part of all of this. AND it’s good that your mind is set enough in reality that you also know this doesn’t change what’s happened and doesn’t change what CAN happen in the future either.

 

So yeah. You’ll be ok.

 

 

yeah...i knew that when we were texting that it wasn't going to change a thing. but i DID take comfort that that she does miss me and feels bad. she even mentioned to me that she drove 45 mins to just drive by my house "just because". i think i went a little too far though with my texts. i spilled too much about myself. i told her that i'm super depressed and that i'm on meds for it. i told her that i missed her so so much. i think i just wanted her to know how much pain that i've been through. but i think i should have said none of that and in the beginning of the texts i did. i tried to come across kinda standoffish and she picked up on that. i wasn't rude. i just didn't get into detailed replies with her until later. but i wanted to seem like i was just "there" and that i'm doing "ok". kinda in the middle. but it opened a chance for me to express the hurt she has caused me and i WANTED her to know that i guess, but IT DOESN'T CHANGE A THING......right???

 

but now i feel kinda bad for being with that girl last week. here i was angry at her and thinking that she is sleeping around when all the while she has been thinking about me all this time and missing me. people do crazy things when they are really hurting i guess. BUT AGAIN....it doesn't change a thing.

 

but i'm actually doing good today. it hurts a little but not anywhere close to how much i thought it would hurt. so yeah, i'll be ok....

Edited March 25, 2013 by hockeyfan99

[stevie_23]

See, this is why it’s pointless and detrimental to do things FOR your ex’s benefit, like when you were kissing that girl you were thinking angry and defiant thoughts towards your ex. That’s just pointless, you know? Because now you feel bad because your ex is missing you and trying to get over this relationship too, the same as you. So doing things for their benefit either leaves you feeling bad and guilty, or just empty because they don’t know what you’re doing, and even if they did know and did care, it still changes absolutely nothing.

 

And I definitely understand you ending up (while texting your ex) spilling a bit too much emotion about things…that’s normal and it’d be very hard NOT to do that, but…it’s also pointless, unfortunately. As it doesn’t change anything, as you said. There’s really nothing she can say in response to you revealing the extent of your feelings that will make everything better in this situation. The best you can hope for is that she did really love you and still cares for you (and you know this now), that the relationship was as real and important for her as it was for you (and you know this too), and that you can find some comfort and peace in that knowledge, and try to be happy in yourself now.

 

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better today.

[hockeyfan99]

See, this is why it’s pointless and detrimental to do things FOR your ex’s benefit, like when you were kissing that girl you were thinking angry and defiant thoughts towards your ex. That’s just pointless, you know? Because now you feel bad because your ex is missing you and trying to get over this relationship too, the same as you. So doing things for their benefit either leaves you feeling bad and guilty, or just empty because they don’t know what you’re doing, and even if they did know and did care, it still changes absolutely nothing.

 

And I definitely understand you ending up (while texting your ex) spilling a bit too much emotion about things…that’s normal and it’d be very hard NOT to do that, but…it’s also pointless, unfortunately. As it doesn’t change anything, as you said. There’s really nothing she can say in response to you revealing the extent of your feelings that will make everything better in this situation. The best you can hope for is that she did really love you and still cares for you (and you know this now), that the relationship was as real and important for her as it was for you (and you know this too), and that you can find some comfort and peace in that knowledge, and try to be happy in yourself now.

 

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better today.

 

 

yeah, i do feel bad about making out with that girl but it was only to fill the void and i was angry and i wanted to feel what it was like to be with another girl. it had been 2 1/2 years. but pointless at this point.

 

i was surprised that she thought of me. i really was. i mean for HER to text me speaks volumes. it says to me that she really did and prob still loves me and that she still cares about me......but again....pointless. serves no purpose. but it made me feel a little better that she doesn't think badly of me. you're right there was nothing she could say to me other than saying that she was sorry for the pain i was going thru. i mentioned to her that i was on antidepressants and she was surprised and said she hopes they help me get thru the rough times till i get back on my feet. i think i wanted to seem like i was doing ok and at first i was but then she kept texting me and then i let loose.

 

oh well..........pointless. right?

 

 

how are you doing??

[stevie_23]

Yeah, there’s no need to feel bad about making out with that girl. Your ex doesn’t know. And it makes no difference to the situation anyway, so there’s no need to feel bad. You know how you feel. You love your ex, but you can’t be with her and you’re just trying to be ok with that. It’s ok.

 

Her reaction to you being on the anti-depressants sounded quite supportive and normal. That’s not how she would’ve been before while she was with you. That’s because as I’ve said before, once you don’t have to deal with the negative aspects of a relationship (because it’s over), you can relax a bit and that’s when you miss the positive stuff. So she was able to be normal about the medication because she’s not WITH you anymore. And yet, if she WAS with you again, I can bet she’d be controlling about the meds again.

 

How am I? Meh. I’m ok. Lol.

[hockeyfan99]

Yeah, there’s no need to feel bad about making out with that girl. Your ex doesn’t know. And it makes no difference to the situation anyway, so there’s no need to feel bad. You know how you feel. You love your ex, but you can’t be with her and you’re just trying to be ok with that. It’s ok.

 

Her reaction to you being on the anti-depressants sounded quite supportive and normal. That’s not how she would’ve been before while she was with you. That’s because as I’ve said before, once you don’t have to deal with the negative aspects of a relationship (because it’s over), you can relax a bit and that’s when you miss the positive stuff. So she was able to be normal about the medication because she’s not WITH you anymore. And yet, if she WAS with you again, I can bet she’d be controlling about the meds again.

 

How am I? Meh. I’m ok. Lol.

 

 

i think i feel bad b/c i still love her and don't want to hurt her at all. but she'll never know what happened. hell i don't know what she has done and frankly i NEVER want to know. does me no good at all. same with her.

 

you're right she would a TOTAL control freak about my meds if i was still with her. she always was and will always be. she never wanted me to take antidepressants before. she felt they were worthless and that i didn't need them. so when she said what she said kinda surprised me. i just wished she would have been more supportive of me taking meds when we were together and not think so negative about it.

 

just ok?.....working right now??

[stevie_23]

Yeah, at work. Not having a good day at all. They’re all crap lately. I hate it. Am miserable right now actually.

[hockeyfan99]

Yeah, at work. Not having a good day at all. They’re all crap lately. I hate it. Am miserable right now actually.

 

i'm sorry. hang in there..............chin up

[stevie_23]

Thank you.

[hockeyfan99]

ok. so its 630am here an im laying it bed TRYING to go back to sleep but i can't b/c i was running thru the texts from the other night through my head and there is one part that is really sticking out thats HAUNTING me right now. i had mention to her in one my text that i'm sure she is happy that i'm out her life that that she is prob doing much better than me. HER REPLY was something along the lines of that has not been doing well at all and wished that she could tell me that she was and that she wasn't going to go into detail about the pain she has been through herself (out of respect to me she says) and that she thinks about me all the time. THEN she goes on to mention (keep in mind i DIDN'T ask for this) that she has "made some mistakes". WHAT?? you can just imagine the thoughts that are running through my head right now. i mean why on earth would she say something like that to me KNOWING the hell that i'm going thru right now. i DON'T even want to know what the hell that means BUT its haunting me right now and i want so bad to be that she got drunk and made a fool of herself or something else OTHER than her hooking up with some random guy. my ex has NEVER been the type too hook up at all and i pray to god she didn't.....not that it matters at this point. but the point i'm trying to make is here she is texting me out of the blue and i tell her the pain I'M going thru and she mentions her "mistakes" to me. it could mean a million different things i guess. but you know the one THING that is dominating my thought process right now. thats just not my ex to say things like that KNOWING that its really going to hurt my feelings even more. i didn't mention ONE thing about me making out with that girl. never even hinted at it at all. i really wish i still had the text so i could have you read it and see what you think.

 

so right now my mind is racing out of control and i want to confront her about that comment BUT i know its not going to do me any good at all and i don't think i can handle hearing the truth if thats the case. GOD i really wished she hadn't said that and i hope i'm just reading into it more than it seems......

 

i'm just kinda pissed that she would dare mention something like that to me know what i'm going thru....

Edited March 26, 2013 by hockeyfan99

[stevie_23]

Ok...well...let's see...maybe by "mistake" she meant breaking up with you in the first place...

 

Or maybe she meant she made mistakes DURING the relationship with you (which you know is true).

 

They were actually my first thoughts, not what she'd done SINCE the split.

 

And you know what's confusing to me a bit? You broke up 6 months ago, right? And she only went NC (until now) a month or so ago? So...WHEN did she do these things she views as mistakes? During that initial 5 months or the most recent 1 month of NC?

 

Did you two REALLY properly break up 6 months ago or were you closer than normal post-breakup friends might usually be? Because...

 

1. She's still thinking of you all the time 6 months later? That's not actually normal...(but maybe that's just how it was for her, and that's WHY she chose to go NC a month ago. To try to finally move on properly)

 

2. You're still thinking of HER all the time as well, and you said you found this past month even harder than the initial 5 months previously following the breakup.

 

3. I ask again, WHEN did she make these "mistakes" she mentioned in the text? It surely would've been after the initial breakup months ago...so why mention it now, way later down the track? Hmmmmmm...

[NewPerspective93]

Don't feed the plate to the full! What I mean is why re-live the messages, for false hope, for a sign that maybe she wants you back, maybe something you can analyze that might mean something? That's never good.

 

See, you were wondering about what those "mistakes" could've been, right? That is Pandora's Box being opened and you hanging on the last thing coming out; hope, hope for something to tell you that there might be something she's not telling you, something that might change things overall.

 

If she's hooking up with some guy because she's drunk, I don't think that's a good sign.

 

You're correct, confronting her about that comment will not do you any good. Even if you do bring it up, she might be passive about it, which might make you feel even crappier.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

You'll live, you'll be fine.

 

Trust me.

 

The only thing left on your plate is moving on from this. You need to my friend, for your being.

 

Cheers.

[stevie_23]

See, you were wondering about what those "mistakes" could've been, right? That is Pandora's Box being opened and you hanging on the last thing coming out; hope, hope for something to tell you that there might be something she's not telling you, something that might change things overall.

 

You're correct, confronting her about that comment will not do you any good. Even if you do bring it up, she might be passive about it, which might make you feel even crappier.

 

Wow. This is SO very true.

 

I was only just thinking this last night actually, when wondering whether to throw out my old phone (that contains ALL my ex and my texts to each other over an almost 2 year period) that no longer works (won't turn on properly so I can't access anything on it). I have a new phone so I don't NEED the old one anymore, but...HE is in there. So...I feel I don't want to throw it out. What if there WAS some new meaning I could find in some of his old texts? That would help me explain the current situation somehow?

 

So I was thinking last night...no. You can't go back and read months old texts and find NEW meaning that'll change anything. It's just not possible.

 

And this is also why it's REALLY detrimental to "check up" on an ex online. SO many people do it (myself included. Daily. lol) but it serves no purpose. All it does is make you feel worse because now ALL you have is that teeny shred of indirect / passive / outsider "contact". They're not talking to you anymore or sharing their lives with you anymore so you "check" to see what they're doing...cause it's all you have left.

 

You hold onto the miniscule bit of hope that MAYBE they might come back one day. That MAYBE if I remain in this current place (emotionally), they'll come back. Cause if I move on and actually become HAPPY again, they can't come back? And that's too scary. But we're holding onto SADNESS and nothing else at this point.

 

And so all we're doing is clutching at nothing. The train left the station months ago and we're still standing here with a suitcase full of stale texts and bitter sweet memories.

[hockeyfan99]

Ok...well...let's see...maybe by "mistake" she meant breaking up with you in the first place...

 

Or maybe she meant she made mistakes DURING the relationship with you (which you know is true).

 

They were actually my first thoughts, not what she'd done SINCE the split.

 

And you know what's confusing to me a bit? You broke up 6 months ago, right? And she only went NC (until now) a month or so ago? So...WHEN did she do these things she views as mistakes? During that initial 5 months or the most recent 1 month of NC?

 

Did you two REALLY properly break up 6 months ago or were you closer than normal post-breakup friends might usually be? Because...

 

1. She's still thinking of you all the time 6 months later? That's not actually normal...(but maybe that's just how it was for her, and that's WHY she chose to go NC a month ago. To try to finally move on properly)

 

2. You're still thinking of HER all the time as well, and you said you found this past month even harder than the initial 5 months previously following the breakup.

 

3. I ask again, WHEN did she make these "mistakes" she mentioned in the text? It surely would've been after the initial breakup months ago...so why mention it now, way later down the track? Hmmmmmm...

 

when we broke up 6 month ago we were still VERY close, almost like we were still together. we were checking up on one another and such. i can clearly remember being a cruise i went on alone and wanting to talk to this really girl on the ship but being afraid that my ex might find out and freak out on me even though i had every right to do so. i think for me, i was afraid to ruin any chance of getting her back and i was TRYING to show her that i was able to go away alone with tons of girls but STILL remain faithful to her. i mean she asked me what went down as soon as i got back into port and we were able to talk in days.

 

yeah, i ask when too and what mistakes actually mean.....it haunts me. i think if she made a mistake it might have been when we went into NC. i think she felt the same way i did during the time after the BU but before the NC. she felt like she was afraid to move on and didn't dare do anything that might put her being able to come back at risk. kinda like me on my cruise. as much as i wanted to talk to that girl i knew it would have destroyed any hope and i wasn't able to get past that.

 

she did mention in her texts that she thinks about me all the time even during NC. i know this b/c when i said to her that i'm sure she's happy that i'm gone from her life and that she's prob doing much better than me. she reply that it was the complete opposite of what i was think and that in fact she hasn't been doing good at all and thinks of me A LOT. of course thats when she mentioned her mistakes (plural). i say it like that b/c maybe she meant that she was trying to show that she was a fault too during the relationship and made some mistakes or maybe she made some mistakes still comm with me after we broke BU. my ex would never be that heartless and mention something that she knows i'm going to ask about, meaning the mistakes, just to further hurt me. that would be just so freakin cruel. i mean she is the one that broke NC with me and wanted to text me b/c she wanted to say hi and i'm sure she did that b/c she misses me like crazy. she said she couldn't help herself when she was driving near my house. she felt this overwhelming urge to send me a text. clearly she misses me.

 

but what can you do now.......i'm not holding my breathe but there is this very very very deep slim hope in the back of my mind that she might come running back one day. but even if she did it would NEVER be the same and i don't know if i would ever want that. i mean i can live WITHOUT all the insecurities that she had but WE would BOTH be two totally different people in general.

[hockeyfan99]

Don't feed the plate to the full! What I mean is why re-live the messages, for false hope, for a sign that maybe she wants you back, maybe something you can analyze that might mean something? That's never good.

 

See, you were wondering about what those "mistakes" could've been, right? That is Pandora's Box being opened and you hanging on the last thing coming out; hope, hope for something to tell you that there might be something she's not telling you, something that might change things overall.

 

If she's hooking up with some guy because she's drunk, I don't think that's a good sign.

 

You're correct, confronting her about that comment will not do you any good. Even if you do bring it up, she might be passive about it, which might make you feel even crappier.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

You'll live, you'll be fine.

 

Trust me.

 

The only thing left on your plate is moving on from this. You need to my friend, for your being.

 

Cheers.

 

 

yeah....IDK?? i wasn't really looking into HOPE but more like what DID she do. my ex has never been the type to hook up with someone. i was her first and she was 23 when it happened and i had to be in love with her b/f ANY of that went down. so she's fairly strong in her morals about that topic.

 

maybe if she did when she was drunk?? who knows. a big part of me wants to know but another big part of me DOESN'T want to know. serves no purpose b/c i DO NOT want to hear what she might tell me. i wouldn't tell her anything that happens to me. it would just hurt her too much even though she is the one that broke up with me. so NOT knowing is the only way to go.

 

i think was i was trying to get at was why on earth would she even mention that? its like teasing me in a way indirectly but i don't really think she mean't to do on purpose. she knows the absolute pain that i'm going thru right now. i think i might have just read into it too much. i bet if i was to ask her, which i'm not going to do, she would say that she didn't mean it like that and it just came out wrong.....at least thats what i would hope for....

Edited March 28, 2013 by hockeyfan99

[hockeyfan99]

Wow. This is SO very true.

 

I was only just thinking this last night actually, when wondering whether to throw out my old phone (that contains ALL my ex and my texts to each other over an almost 2 year period) that no longer works (won't turn on properly so I can't access anything on it). I have a new phone so I don't NEED the old one anymore, but...HE is in there. So...I feel I don't want to throw it out. What if there WAS some new meaning I could find in some of his old texts? That would help me explain the current situation somehow?

 

So I was thinking last night...no. You can't go back and read months old texts and find NEW meaning that'll change anything. It's just not possible.

 

And this is also why it's REALLY detrimental to "check up" on an ex online. SO many people do it (myself included. Daily. lol) but it serves no purpose. All it does is make you feel worse because now ALL you have is that teeny shred of indirect / passive / outsider "contact". They're not talking to you anymore or sharing their lives with you anymore so you "check" to see what they're doing...cause it's all you have left.

 

You hold onto the miniscule bit of hope that MAYBE they might come back one day. That MAYBE if I remain in this current place (emotionally), they'll come back. Cause if I move on and actually become HAPPY again, they can't come back? And that's too scary. But we're holding onto SADNESS and nothing else at this point.

 

And so all we're doing is clutching at nothing. The train left the station months ago and we're still standing here with a suitcase full of stale texts and bitter sweet memories.

 

 

 

i just flat out had to delete my FB acct and stop looking all together at her page b/c the more time that passed the more likely that i might see some other guy there and it would rip me in two if i did see that. SO.....no more for me. i have weak moments at times when i want to check but i have to walk away from the laptop and do something else and think of the harm that its doing to me by keeping tabs on her. thats why i hate FB so much, even more so now than ever b/f. to much of your life is out there for others to see and for someone like myself going thru what i'm going thru, its something that is NOT needed in my life. i have to try to move on and by checking would just cause me so much pain. when i did look from time to time, i could feel my heart racing b/c i was so afraid that i was going to see something there that might hurt me. so i just hung it up and said enough is enough.

[hockeyfan99]

ok. so the other night i was out having a few beers alone at a pub and i suddenly got the urge to text my ex b/c i was feeling really lonely and wanted to let her know the hell that she is putting me thru. YES....it was super dumb but i just couldn't help myself. we had bee in NC for a little over a month and i got a text from her over a week ago saying that she was driving past my house and had a huge urge to text me and couldn't stop herself. i tried to be kinda standoffish with her but it was just too hard. so there i was sitting at the bar feeling really down and feeling freaking sorry for myself and i broke NC with her as well. STUPID...b/c it got me nowhere and made me feel SO stupid. its like she doesn't even care about what the hell i'm going thru. she says that this has not been easy for her either BUT there is a huge diff when the ball is in her court and she can control the situation of our BU. i'm SO sick of trying anymore b/c the more i do the more it hurts when it doesn't work. so i finally blocked her number on my phone. it really hurt to do that b/c i'm scared that she might want to get back with me one day and won't be able to reach out to me but i just had to do it. b/c when she she broke NC first it stung like hell. i'm just finding it really hard to accept the fact that it is over and i really didn't do anything that terrible. my ex just TOTALLY overreacts to EVERYTHING and i just can't believe that she would BU with me over petty crap. i know this sounds really mean but i hope she gets a rude eye opening realization that she overreacted and missed out on a really good guy even though i have made some mistakes........but really......who hasn't??? right??