i don't think i can take this pain anymore

March 21, 2013

When you say you can’t meet anyone just sitting around at home, it makes me wonder why you feel such a NEED to meet someone and to be with someone in order to be happy within yourself. Have you ever been HAPPY by yourself? Not in a relationship? You may not have…you may have been so hurt by previous breakups that you take a long time to get over them and you ONLY really get over them when you find someone else to be with. And this is true of a lot of people, but it’s also not the best way to be, as you never learn how to just BE by yourself and be ok with that. You seem to equate being by yourself (not in a relationship) as being unhappy. And it shouldn’t be that way, my friend.

Maybe this is why you take breakups so hard, and why you also tend to take responsibility for your girlfriends’ feelings while in a relationship. Because you feel you NEED to be with them to be happy within yourself, and if they’re not happy, it must be YOUR fault because YOU needed them in the first place. Maybe because you have that need for them, you feel they are there for YOU and so it’s all about YOU in a way. Maybe you feel that you HAVE to be really good to them because otherwise they’d have no reason or interest in being with you…you know?

And you DO “still have it”. I mean, you seem to be a bit insecure about your age and your worth and appeal to others (particularly women I suppose), and there’s just no need for you to question that! People WILL find you appealing if you just give it time. You don’t have to rush or force anything. Your time is NOT running out. You’re only 41, you’re not 71! 41 is SO young!

And see, when you felt much better when that girl was interested in talking to you and you felt you “still had it”, and then she wasn’t so interested anymore and your whole positive mood then collapsed, you’re giving her ALL the power over YOUR self image and feelings of self worth! Why? How SHE feels has NOTHING to do with YOU. Seriously.

Life is not the movies, heheh. You sit down in a bar in a movie and something happens. Or else they wouldn’t have that scene in the movie. But in reality? You sit down in a bar, you have a drink, and then you go home. Nothing happens.

And you should definitely NOT be trying to meet someone so you can do it BEFORE your ex does! Oh my goodness, no! Just NO! That is the WORST reason to meet someone! Anyone! Cause it’s ALL about your ex. You’re trying to live your life, but you’re still living it for HER, if you do things like that.

AND if you DID meet someone before she did, why would that automatically mean she’d made a bad choice in leaving you? It has nothing to do with that. And in terms of you feeling less like a loser if you meet someone first and then she meets someone, well…this goes back to your own feelings of not feeling happy or worthy unless you’re with someone.

NOBODY ELSE can make you feel like a worthwhile person if YOU don’t feel it to begin with.

And hey, don’t dream about me. Lol. I AM hot and sexy and funny and interesting, and I DO have the Aussie accent, but I also will not make you feel like you’re a worthwhile person if you don’t already! Lol. (I’m serious though)

March 21, 2013

When you say you can’t meet anyone just sitting around at home, it makes me wonder why you feel such a NEED to meet someone and to be with someone in order to be happy within yourself. Have you ever been HAPPY by yourself? Not in a relationship? You may not have…you may have been so hurt by previous breakups that you take a long time to get over them and you ONLY really get over them when you find someone else to be with. And this is true of a lot of people, but it’s also not the best way to be, as you never learn how to just BE by yourself and be ok with that. You seem to equate being by yourself (not in a relationship) as being unhappy. And it shouldn’t be that way, my friend.

Maybe this is why you take breakups so hard, and why you also tend to take responsibility for your girlfriends’ feelings while in a relationship. Because you feel you NEED to be with them to be happy within yourself, and if they’re not happy, it must be YOUR fault because YOU needed them in the first place. Maybe because you have that need for them, you feel they are there for YOU and so it’s all about YOU in a way. Maybe you feel that you HAVE to be really good to them because otherwise they’d have no reason or interest in being with you…you know?

And you DO “still have it”. I mean, you seem to be a bit insecure about your age and your worth and appeal to others (particularly women I suppose), and there’s just no need for you to question that! People WILL find you appealing if you just give it time. You don’t have to rush or force anything. Your time is NOT running out. You’re only 41, you’re not 71! 41 is SO young!

And see, when you felt much better when that girl was interested in talking to you and you felt you “still had it”, and then she wasn’t so interested anymore and your whole positive mood then collapsed, you’re giving her ALL the power over YOUR self image and feelings of self worth! Why? How SHE feels has NOTHING to do with YOU. Seriously.

Life is not the movies, heheh. You sit down in a bar in a movie and something happens. Or else they wouldn’t have that scene in the movie. But in reality? You sit down in a bar, you have a drink, and then you go home. Nothing happens.

And you should definitely NOT be trying to meet someone so you can do it BEFORE your ex does! Oh my goodness, no! Just NO! That is the WORST reason to meet someone! Anyone! Cause it’s ALL about your ex. You’re trying to live your life, but you’re still living it for HER, if you do things like that.

AND if you DID meet someone before she did, why would that automatically mean she’d made a bad choice in leaving you? It has nothing to do with that. And in terms of you feeling less like a loser if you meet someone first and then she meets someone, well…this goes back to your own feelings of not feeling happy or worthy unless you’re with someone.

NOBODY ELSE can make you feel like a worthwhile person if YOU don’t feel it to begin with.

And hey, don’t dream about me. Lol. I AM hot and sexy and funny and interesting, and I DO have the Aussie accent, but I also will not make you feel like you’re a worthwhile person if you don’t already! Lol. (I’m serious though)

i generally do feel that way. i feel like at my age i should be married with kids so i feel like i'm FAR behind a lot of people i know. so i would have to say like i'm less of a person when i don't have a girlfriend. i'm mean being single is nice b/c i don't have to answer to anyone but i'm super lonely right now and don't have that many friends and the ones that i do have are married with kids and don't go out that often. i just feel better when i have someone special in my life. i have NOT been popular with the girls all my life. so when i meet someone i put a ton of effort into it b/c i really like the person. then there are a few relationships i had in the years b/f i mt my ex where i can't understand why on earth i was with that girl because they were not my type at all. i guess i was reaching for anything i could. BUT when i met my ex, all that changed. sparks flew like crazy and i loved her from the start and i felt SUPER good about myself. my ex was so beautiful and there were a lot of times i would ask myself why on earth would she be interested in me? i'm ok looking i guess.

i do take breakups REALLY hard for the most part except for the few that i didn't really like. i did date a girl years ago and she broke up with me after being with her for 3 years and i took that SUPER hard. she was my first serious relationship and it took me years to get over it. i almost missed my best friends wedding because she was going to be there and this is 4 YEARS LATER!!! i feel like this is going to be the case wit my ex. i didn't want it to be. i went 8 years without a g/f and i hated my life. i felt like nobody liked me at all. after a while i just stopped trying b/c it was stressing me out so bad. but i do take breakups really really hard. you're spot on. both girls that i fell in love with i took it really hard. this one has been worse. she was the first one i ever considered spending the rest of my life with. so when it doesn't work out i take it to heart and def blame myself. with the g/f years ago, she broke up with me b/c i had commitment issues but she was always wanting to look at rings and stuff and i wasn't ready. but i always felt stressed out around her and would lash out and she got sick of it and of course i blamed myself for everything. again it took me 5+ years to get over that one. same thing with this breakup. i have blamed myself for everything. i have better insight with you're help though. but when everything first happened i took FULL responsibility for the breakup and the way she was feeling. i'm starting to understand things better but its going to take time and lots of understanding to convince myself that it wasn't all my fault in the breakup.

i guess i am trying to rush it a bit. i feel that way b/c at my age almost everyone i know is in a steady relationship or married and has kids and a nice house and a great career. i just feel SOOOO behind. i hate my birthdays. the last few i find myself having a breakdown sometime during the day b/c i feel so behind and unsuccessful. it was really hard esp this year cause i could add "single" to the list of crap that makes me feel unworthy. i just don't like my life. i wish i could start over and do things differently. i would have tried harder. idk? but if someone was to come up to me and look me straight in the eyes and say, "are you happy with your life up to this point?", i would say hell no. i just want what everyone else has. i feel like i'm 20 years behind everyone else. i don't DARE go to class reunions. those are the worst for me b/c everyone is talking about their kids and their wives and their nice house and their great careers. and me? yeah i graduated from college and i'm nor married. i don't have kids. i don't own a home. and i don't have a career. so i'm really and on myself and thats why i feel like when i'm in a relationship thats one thing off the list of things that i desire. and then marriage. then kids. then a nice house with my wife. i want the whole package. so i put a lot of effort into every relationship that i'm in even more so now than i did 10 or 15 years ago.

i see what you mean about the girl. having any girl come up to me to talk gives me a boost of self confidence. so when all was well i was feeling great about myself. that someone was actively taking an interest in me at my age. but when i got shot down, i felt like i was right back at square one and felt like a loser again and not worthy of her company. but i do she what you mean by me giving her all the power. i need to try to remember that next time that happens and just say, "oh well, her loss, i'm still a great guy".

yeah i went to the same pub tonight but THIS time i went there just to have a beer and nothing else. i talked to a really hot (but married) bartender but it was fun and i enjoyed myself. oh well. her loss. lol

i think for me the reason i would want to meet someone b/f her is so it wouldn't hurt as much if i were to find out that she has a new guy, you know? i'm not saying i would jut meet any girl just b/c. been there, done that. i just want to be able to say, "well good for her but i found a really great girl and i don't give a hoot about her and her new man". stupid?? i think for me, it wouldn't sting as much.

lol. i wasn't meaning that i was dreaming about you in that sense. just that it would be so much fun........AND b/c it would be so cool to sit down with a really hot and sexy aussie and have a nice drink with you. lol.....i don't know what i'm trying to say. lol i sound so stupid right now. but i do understand what you're saying to me. i need to work on myself and my self worth because not even Mila Kunis could make me a better person....but god that would be SO HOT, you think?? lol

March 21, 2013

Heheh, I know you didn't mean you'd really be dreaming of me. lol. I was just pullin your chain, my friend.

So...you mentioned you were with a few girls before your most recent ex, and you don't know why you were with them cause they weren't a good match for you? That's perhaps because you WERE pushing to get out there and meet someone and BE with someone so you'd feel more worthy and more like you SHOULD (like you feel you SHOULD be married with kids by now, etc. The word "should" is so annoying. It puts SO much pressure on people for absolutely no reason!! You "should" just live the life that YOU want, the one that's right for YOU, with no outward pressure or expectation from others. If you DO want to get married and have kids, you'll do it when it's right for you, but yes, I do also understand how hard and isolating it is when all your friends are at a different stage in their lives to where you are)...so anyway, you were with those girls who weren't right for you because when you got together with them, you were sort of...putting out "vibes" so to speak, that weren't entirely accurate to who you really were. If you want to be with a partner for the wrong reasons (to not feel alone, to not feel like you SHOULDN'T be single still, etc), you'll likely attract the wrong partner and it won't last or be as happy as it could be.

When you say you took so long to get over that other gf of your's from years ago, you said 5+ years...to get over her, I mean. How did you FEEL in say, year 4 after the breakup? Did you not move on at ALL in terms of your own happiness and feeling ok in 4 years after the breakup? Or did you feel MUCH better but you considered that since you didn't feel AS GOOD as you did while you were WITH her, that you weren't over her yet? Or maybe you felt that BECAUSE you were still single after 4 years, that THAT was why you weren't over her? When maybe you actually WERE. I'm not sure...

Or maybe you have always been unhappy in your life and with yourself, and the only time you ARE ever happy is when you've got the love, comfort, excitement and distraction of a partner by your side?

In any case, just because you feel you have taken a long time to get over previous relationships does not mean history has to repeat. Who knows what might happen this time...every relationship is different and so too is every breakup, and thus, the resulting feelings and moving on process from that breakup.

Ah, I see. At least when you're in a relationship you have ONE thing on your "list" of expectations and "shoulds" for yourself that you've accomplished and you may feel like you're heading in the right direction FINALLY and can maybe be on your way to having a family, mature settled relationship and kids, etc. Yeah. I get that.

Do you think *I* have failed in my life? I'm 34 years old, I DO have a partner but I'm not happy and I had a 2 year affair with a 61 year old married man who dumped me without even TELLING me at first. I have no career, just a boring administration job I'm not even any good at. I have no kids and don't ever want them. I have 2 cats who are 4 years old and lovely but one pees on the floor. lol. I do own an apartment (with my partner) but I have no money and have spent almost all my savings in the past 10 years. I work only part time because I can't stand the job and I can't stand working at ALL in fact, and I have no money (as I just said) but still can't stand to work full time.

So. There you go. I think you're doing ok.

And yes, Mila Kunis is VERY, VERY HOT. lol. And good for you for having that no-expectations drink and enjoying a nice chat with the married hot bartender! lol

March 21, 2013

Heheh, I know you didn't mean you'd really be dreaming of me. lol. I was just pullin your chain, my friend.

So...you mentioned you were with a few girls before your most recent ex, and you don't know why you were with them cause they weren't a good match for you? That's perhaps because you WERE pushing to get out there and meet someone and BE with someone so you'd feel more worthy and more like you SHOULD (like you feel you SHOULD be married with kids by now, etc. The word "should" is so annoying. It puts SO much pressure on people for absolutely no reason!! You "should" just live the life that YOU want, the one that's right for YOU, with no outward pressure or expectation from others. If you DO want to get married and have kids, you'll do it when it's right for you, but yes, I do also understand how hard and isolating it is when all your friends are at a different stage in their lives to where you are)...so anyway, you were with those girls who weren't right for you because when you got together with them, you were sort of...putting out "vibes" so to speak, that weren't entirely accurate to who you really were. If you want to be with a partner for the wrong reasons (to not feel alone, to not feel like you SHOULDN'T be single still, etc), you'll likely attract the wrong partner and it won't last or be as happy as it could be.

When you say you took so long to get over that other gf of your's from years ago, you said 5+ years...to get over her, I mean. How did you FEEL in say, year 4 after the breakup? Did you not move on at ALL in terms of your own happiness and feeling ok in 4 years after the breakup? Or did you feel MUCH better but you considered that since you didn't feel AS GOOD as you did while you were WITH her, that you weren't over her yet? Or maybe you felt that BECAUSE you were still single after 4 years, that THAT was why you weren't over her? When maybe you actually WERE. I'm not sure...

Or maybe you have always been unhappy in your life and with yourself, and the only time you ARE ever happy is when you've got the love, comfort, excitement and distraction of a partner by your side?

In any case, just because you feel you have taken a long time to get over previous relationships does not mean history has to repeat. Who knows what might happen this time...every relationship is different and so too is every breakup, and thus, the resulting feelings and moving on process from that breakup.

Ah, I see. At least when you're in a relationship you have ONE thing on your "list" of expectations and "shoulds" for yourself that you've accomplished and you may feel like you're heading in the right direction FINALLY and can maybe be on your way to having a family, mature settled relationship and kids, etc. Yeah. I get that.

Do you think *I* have failed in my life? I'm 34 years old, I DO have a partner but I'm not happy and I had a 2 year affair with a 61 year old married man who dumped me without even TELLING me at first. I have no career, just a boring administration job I'm not even any good at. I have no kids and don't ever want them. I have 2 cats who are 4 years old and lovely but one pees on the floor. lol. I do own an apartment (with my partner) but I have no money and have spent almost all my savings in the past 10 years. I work only part time because I can't stand the job and I can't stand working at ALL in fact, and I have no money (as I just said) but still can't stand to work full time.

So. There you go. I think you're doing ok.

And yes, Mila Kunis is VERY, VERY HOT. lol. And good for you for having that no-expectations drink and enjoying a nice chat with the married hot bartender! lol

i know you were pulling my chain BUT i did have a nice image of you sitting there next to me having a nice drink and laughing our asses off!! lol

you're right i was pushing too hard when i met those girls. all of them i didn't really like when i first met them. i thought they were nice and all but i just thought i was being superficial and that i would eventually like them the way i was supposed to. does that make any sense?? i guess what i'm trying to say is that they might now have been the best looking girls out there but sometimes looks aren't everything. but i found myself not attracted to them enough for it to last and then i would stay in the crappy relationship just because. so when i met my ex i wasn't even looking. i just knew that i was not happy at all and the sparks flew when we met and i thought for sure that she was going to be the MRS. i felt like this is my chance to move up the ladder into true ADULTHOOD and be like everyone else b/c i found a great girl that i love and i feel great about my life at the moment. i hate the word "should" too. i say it to myself all the time and i hate it. but i think i've learned a lot from the past and my ex and that is i'm not going to settle for second best and i'm not going to tolerate a relationship like my last one.

"Or maybe you have always been unhappy in your life and with yourself, and the only time you ARE ever happy is when you've got the love, comfort, excitement and distraction of a partner by your side?" i think you nailed on the head. damn you're good. i don't like being single. i really only feel good about myself when i have someone special in my life. i feel like without someone i'm a nobody that resorts to porn for pleasure. i hate that feeling. i don't want to be that way. i want to be loved. i want someone to think i'm special. i want to look forward to seeing that person. my ex was all that and more but we just didn't see eye to eye and it fell apart. but to answer you're question about how i felt after 4 years after the breakup. i was over her for the most part. it still hurt to think about her but i think part of it was b/c "I" didn't have anyone in my life to help put her behind me. i felt like i was stuck in some box and couldn't get out. put i did after some time but it just took WAY too long. i just don't want history to repeat itself on this one b/c i truly loved my ex and this has been the worst part of my life.

ok.....i'm going to tell you all my "should's" that haunt me A LOT. well as you know my other shoulds.....marriage, kids, house, career. but the biggest one for me.......sensitive subject for me......is that i still live at home. so embarrassed to tell you this. i should be out on my own. 41 and still at home. SO SAD. it haunts me everyday. i would have loved to move in with the ex and at one point we had serious talks about it but it never panned out because we had too many issues before we could even tackle that. but i wanted it so much. but like you, i don't make a lot money. i have a mountain of debt and can't afford to live by myself. so my ex was my ticket on the ADULTHOOD in my eyes, so to speak. i wanted our own place. i stayed over her apt a lot and i loved the independence feeling it gave me and i dreamed about having our own place together. but that all came crashing down and so here i am still stuck at home. i think i have finally realized that i'm going to have to do this all on my own w/o the help of a g/f. i can't rely on a g/f for me to be able to move out. it helps but what happens when it doesn't work out? i can't go running back to my parents house every time there is a break up. now get me wrong her. i am a VERY responsible adult. i have my own car. i do my own laundry. i pay all my bills on time. i help out around the house. i pay rent. i don't cause problems. basically i just live here. BUT how am i going to be able to explain that to the next girl that comes along? they're going to be majorly turned off by it. i'm just a sad case here. THAT is my biggest complaint in life. BUT i have been looking around at places. i'm scared as hell b/c i have no idea how on earth i'm going to be able to afford it but i have to try to do something. i love my parent but they drive me nuts and i certainly can't invite a new girl back to my parents house. i'm so embarrassed. ok you can laugh now, i'll allow it.

March 21, 2013

Naaah, I didn't laugh. There's no need for that. Everyone's lives are different, you know? For you, it makes financial sense to live at your parents' house. It doesn't mean you're not an adult, or a proper person or somehow stunted or immature or anything. There's nothing wrong with that, you know? Except that you seem to REALLY want to have your own place (which I can understand).

Do you think part of your pain from these breakups (the important ones) is because not only are you losing the love of that person, and you're losing the comfort zone and routine that you were in, but that you're also losing the expectation and hope of actually kind of feeling like you're starting your "proper" life so to speak. I feel like YOU feel like you've been in a kind of limbo of temporary place in your life for AGES, and your REAL life will only truly start once you (a) find someone you truly love and who you are truly happy and settled with, (b) move in with them into your own place, where you can finally feel like the adult you long to be and feel you SHOULD be, have that independence and not have the constant fear of potential awkwardness and embarrassment that comes from revealing to anyone that you live with your parents still, © start your own family, and actually I think this could be REALLY useful to you. You'd have someone you really could actually take responsibility FOR (a child, as opposed to another adult, who you shouldn't feel responsible for) and you can give all the love that's inside you that you have to offer a child as well as having a happy, functional, stable and equal relationship with your partner, because maybe if you could kind of get out of your system (in a way) that need to be responsible and take care of someone, and you could channel that into taking care of your own child, you wouldn't feel such a need to do it with your partner.

Do you WANT a career, as such? I never have. I never actually wanted to work at all, even when I finished high school. I only went to college so I wouldn't have to get a proper job. lol. I had interests (singing, music, etc) but nothing that really translates to a proper stable and paying career. So I just wanted a basic brain numbing job that didn't make me miserable or take up too much of my precious spare time.

Anyway...just let me say, ANY girl who is WORTH your time and effort will NOT be weird about where you live. Plain and simple. Any girl who would judge you or not want to be with you because of that? THEIR problem. THEIR narrow mindedness. THEIR loss.

May I ask...how come you have all these debts? I also have debts (credit card. I used to have a little shopping problem lol)

March 21, 2013

Naaah, I didn't laugh. There's no need for that. Everyone's lives are different, you know? For you, it makes financial sense to live at your parents' house. It doesn't mean you're not an adult, or a proper person or somehow stunted or immature or anything. There's nothing wrong with that, you know? Except that you seem to REALLY want to have your own place (which I can understand).

Do you think part of your pain from these breakups (the important ones) is because not only are you losing the love of that person, and you're losing the comfort zone and routine that you were in, but that you're also losing the expectation and hope of actually kind of feeling like you're starting your "proper" life so to speak. I feel like YOU feel like you've been in a kind of limbo of temporary place in your life for AGES, and your REAL life will only truly start once you (a) find someone you truly love and who you are truly happy and settled with, (b) move in with them into your own place, where you can finally feel like the adult you long to be and feel you SHOULD be, have that independence and not have the constant fear of potential awkwardness and embarrassment that comes from revealing to anyone that you live with your parents still, © start your own family, and actually I think this could be REALLY useful to you. You'd have someone you really could actually take responsibility FOR (a child, as opposed to another adult, who you shouldn't feel responsible for) and you can give all the love that's inside you that you have to offer a child as well as having a happy, functional, stable and equal relationship with your partner, because maybe if you could kind of get out of your system (in a way) that need to be responsible and take care of someone, and you could channel that into taking care of your own child, you wouldn't feel such a need to do it with your partner.

Do you WANT a career, as such? I never have. I never actually wanted to work at all, even when I finished high school. I only went to college so I wouldn't have to get a proper job. lol. I had interests (singing, music, etc) but nothing that really translates to a proper stable and paying career. So I just wanted a basic brain numbing job that didn't make me miserable or take up too much of my precious spare time.

Anyway...just let me say, ANY girl who is WORTH your time and effort will NOT be weird about where you live. Plain and simple. Any girl who would judge you or not want to be with you because of that? THEIR problem. THEIR narrow mindedness. THEIR loss.

May I ask...how come you have all these debts? I also have debts (credit card. I used to have a little shopping problem lol)

you sure can ask me. you can ask me anything you want. no worries. well to make it short and sweet, i too am not very good with my credit cards. i just can't seem to get out from under them and the payments eat up a good chunk of my check that could go towards rent at a new place. right now i'm in the process of paying them down but its going to take a very long time and i DON'T want to wait around to have a zero balance b/f i move out. that would be years from now. i just paid off my car so thats a good thing. overall i think i'm good about my money for the most part but its those stupid c/c that are just killing me and the kicker is that keep using them.

as for living at home, it does make more sense for money reasons but i'm hard on myself b/c i haven't tried hard enough to set a goal to move out. when i was with my ex i didn't worry about it b/c i knew that she would be there to help out with the rent. but now i think i'm just going to have to do it all on my own and thats ok b/c i can't always rely on someone else to be there to help out. but my goal is that by the end of the year i'm going to have my own place and if it doesn't pan out then oh well, i'll keep trying. i've just given up on the notion that i have to have a g/f in order for me to afford to move out. its just not a good way to look at it.

i do think that me losing my ex is like me losing the path to my "proper" life. i had so many dreams for us. we used to look at house together. we used to look at apts together. we even had the names of our kids picked out. (i never ever talked about those things with any other girl i had been with in the past) i told her that when she finished grad school and if she had to move away that i would def come with her. all that fell apart when we BU. i feel like now i'm lost and have no idea where to start over. to me i worked so hard with my ex to make it work because in a way our relationship was my ticket to that "proper" life that i dream about. i wanted kids but i wanted to have them with her so bad. i think that i would be a great dad. i would dream about how our kids would look. but i see what you're saying.

i think for me and the career, i find myself comparing myself to others around me. my mom is a nurse. my YOUNGER brother is a cop and doing very well. his wife has a great job working with stocks and is doing well herself. my brother-in-law has his own business and does well. and then there is me. i have a 4 year degree and i make way less than i'm supposed to be making. the problem is that the economy sucks here and i really don't ANY clue what on earth i would want to do if i wanted to find a diff job. i worked at a dr office for 16 years and got really no where. i managed it but there was no room to move up. i just got in that comfort zone and would not budge. i DEF have a tendency to do that with almost everything i do. i mean it took my boss having to lay me off in order for me to find a new job. otherwise i'd prob still be there. i feel the same thing is happening here at this job. the problem here is that you can take a new job but you end up making the same amount and doing 3 times the work. but i guess in the end if it doesn't pan out that i don't have a career, i just want to be happy doing whatever it is that i'm doing.

when i was on FB, i would see a lot of my old friends from HS with great jobs and a family and a nice house, etc. and for me, i haven't moved from my house since HS. it makes me so depressed sometimes and it doesn't make me feel much like an adult at all. i NEVER mention to old friends that i bump into that i still live at home. i tell them that i live in the same town have a place close by. i'm just too embarrassed to mention it. same with a new girl that i'm GOING to meet in the future. i'll be so embarrassed that she will judge me and not want to be with me for that reason. people only see the surface of it. i never mooch off my parents for anything. its just a roof over my head and i'm thankful that i have that at least. but i DEF want that sense of independence in my life. like i said b/f, when i was over my ex apt for the whole weekend it was a great feeling and loved spending time with her and we had privacy.

i see what you mean about a girl not being worth my time if they judge me b/c i still live at home. i hope there are not that many out there. i hope they can see me for ME and not the roof that i live under. i'm not some lazy no car, no job, playing games all day, mooching off my parents kind of guy. i'm very responsible. the way i look at it with the whole moving out thing, is that it never worked out in my favor to have a place of my own BUT on the other hand it didn't help that i racked up so much debt. i just wished that i had been more smart about about all that. so i guess i'm just going to set that goal and really try this year to make it happen.

everyone has been telling me, including you MY FRIEND that this is time to improve my life while i'm single. to make myself a better person. to learn from this BU. all that...and i'll be honest, YOU have been a blessing. i can't tell you just how many people i have mentioned that i have this really super sweet, caring woman halfway around the world that is taking the time to help me every step of the way. i really can't thank you enough. i really wouldn't be where i am right now without YOUR help. it means the world to me. if i was standing right in front of you i would give you the biggest hug ever and tell you thank you. i would give ANYTHING to meet you someday. i would really love that. you're the best.... YOU are my closest friend i have...:D:D oye, oye, oye!!!

here is my email just in case. [email protected] this doesn't mean that i don't want to talk here anymore. NO WAY!! OH GOD i still do and i STILL need your advice. i'm just opening up myself more to you and giving it to you because i don't want to lose touch with you, my friend and just in case you want to talk "just because". does that make sense?? lol

Edited March 21, 2013 by hockeyfan99

March 21, 2013

Hey there,

Hope you're feeling a bit better now, but as I'm sure you'll have noticed you will go through long periods of thinking about your ex and being sad (yet coping with it), to the bouts of intense anxiety where you want the world to end!

I never thought I'd be ok again, and although I really miss my ex still the pain isn't as bad. I can get on with my life and feel like I have a purpose again even if I do think about her constantly. Maybe one day that will go to, but what to take from this comment is that it does get easier!!

March 21, 2013

Hey there,

Hope you're feeling a bit better now, but as I'm sure you'll have noticed you will go through long periods of thinking about your ex and being sad (yet coping with it), to the bouts of intense anxiety where you want the world to end!

I never thought I'd be ok again, and although I really miss my ex still the pain isn't as bad. I can get on with my life and feel like I have a purpose again even if I do think about her constantly. Maybe one day that will go to, but what to take from this comment is that it does get easier!!

thanks a bunch. i am feeling a little better. the pain is still there PLENTY but everyday it get a tiny bit better. i have since started antidepressant meds that have helped some but have not fully kicked in yet. i had to take them b/c i was a wreck and cried at the drop of a hat. and i have gotten the BEST advice halfway around the world . she knows who she is.

but i have a LOOOOONNNNGGGG way to go until i will be totally over this. i have my good days and bad days. but the part that really gets to me is that day when i do find out that she is with someone else. thats going to sting like hell. but there is nothing i can do about it.

right now, i'm just getting out every night and doing something. i'm putting myself out there, trying to make new friends, etc. i can't sit around the house b/c i'll go nuts thinking about her and what she is doing or who she is with. but going out has helped me a lot. i have since met some really nice people b/c without them i would feel even more lonely than i already feel.

so i know i will get to a better place someday, I HOPE SOON, b/c the pain is sometimes just killer. but i'm just trying to keep as busy as i can and taking as much advice as i can get. LOVE is bitter sweet, huh.

thanks again

March 22, 2013

You know what else? I think a part of you is kind of a bit hesitant to feel better. Because if you DO feel better, that means (a) you're letting go of HER and although this is a GOOD thing because if you can't go back to what you had, and you realise maybe you don't WANT to in a way because you still wouldn't be happy, that's SCARY, because (b) it means you have to then look FORWARD and try to find ways to be happy in your OWN life, which is difficult if you're not exactly happy in your life.

Also, by hanging onto this place you're in now, you're still hanging onto her, but that sucks because as I said, you can't go back, so where are you now? In this negative, unhappy limbo land. Where all you have left of HER (and those prior hopes of what you would have with her in terms of a house, a family one day, etc) is this sad place. You don't have the GOOD parts of her anymore, only this bad place...

And also, the thing is...love is not a rational thing. It's not a THOUGHT. The thoughts come with it but love itself is a totally emotional and irrational feeling. So...after a relationship ends, all we have is the thoughts that we try to use to help us feel better, but really, we can't THINK our way out of an irrational emotion, can we? All we can do is try to work stuff out, work out where things went wrong and why, try to learn from the experience, take the view that NO relationship is a failure just because it didn't last, and just give ourselves as much as time as we need to feel better and better each day, week, month, whatever.

So ok. THANK YOU for your wonderful comments about me and my advice! lol. I don't know if what I say makes any sense half the time, but you seem to like it, so that's good.

I understand where you're coming from with the whole credit card stuff. Ugh. I HATE credit cards! Mine suck! And I also know where you're coming from about the job / career thing. Some people just don't WANT a proper career, and I'm the same (well, I WOULD love to make music my career, but how impossible is that most of the time, eh?!). I've never moved up in any of my jobs. I am passive in that way. My first job I was a legal secretary and I was there for 3 years, and only left because I moved to a different state. Then I was in the same job for 2.5 years and only left THERE because they changed things around in the company and they needed a full time person (I was part time) and I did NOT want a full time job, so I had to leave. I then got the job I have now, and I've been there for 6.5 years (part time), and it's ok, but meh. I've just been doing what I'm doing for all that time, and it bores me but there's nowhere to move up to, and I wouldn't want more responsibility anyway.

So...yeah. You're kind of stuck. I see that. And you saw a relationship as a way out, or a path to the life you actually WANT to be living. And of course, you really loved your ex and so that WAS the life you really wanted. And you were on your way. *sigh* But then...yeah. It stopped and now you're still where you were before, and not happy about it.

If you HAD moved in with your ex, do you think you'd have been ok? I mean, you'd have still had the same job, still had the credit card stuff, and you'd have more bills and such too. Would you have felt maybe on some level you would've been moving forward in your life before fixing the stuff that was causing problems before? You know what I mean? And those problems would still be there?

And yes, you do NOT need a gf in order to live the life you want. It's a bit HARDER to do it without a gf because (a) you have no one to share the rent and stuff with (though you COULD move in with someone, like a roomate or something, but I myself would HATE that cause I'm so private and would prefer to live alone rather than live with someone I wasn't in a relationship with) and (b) you may have not much MOTIVATION to live that life you want if there's no one special to share it with.

Why DID you have so much debt? I had a bit of a shopping addiction combined with the fact I couldn't deal with working a full time job and the fact I don't have a proper CAREER so I could never advance up the corporate ladder (so to speak) because there was nowhere to advance TO, and pay rises just don't exist in administration roles nowadays, and so all of that = debt and financial stress. But why DID I spend so much money years ago on buying stuff? Cause I was unhappy? Feeling I was lacking something in my life and was trying to fill a hole and feel better? Are you the same, my friend?

Also, I know what you mean about the job thing over there. It's the same here. If you job-jump, like you don't go UP but you just change jobs and move sideways, you never get any more money!! It sucks! It didn't used to be this way. In my first job, I got a pay rise every 6 months! And if you moved to a different company but in the same industry and role, you ALWAYS expected a higher salary because you had that previous experience. But NOW? Nope. When I moved from my 2nd job (the one I was at for 2.5 years) to my current job, I expected to get a slight increase in salary, but they offered me slightly LESS than what I was on before, just cause that's what their pay rate was for that role. HAH! I said I can't take a step BACKWARDS, I have experience in this EXACT role, so I should get AT LEAST the same as I was on before, if not MORE. And they gave me a bit more, so that was good, except it's barely gone up since then. Gone are the days of automatic annual pay rises.

March 22, 2013

You know what else? I think a part of you is kind of a bit hesitant to feel better. Because if you DO feel better, that means (a) you're letting go of HER and although this is a GOOD thing because if you can't go back to what you had, and you realise maybe you don't WANT to in a way because you still wouldn't be happy, that's SCARY, because (b) it means you have to then look FORWARD and try to find ways to be happy in your OWN life, which is difficult if you're not exactly happy in your life.

Also, by hanging onto this place you're in now, you're still hanging onto her, but that sucks because as I said, you can't go back, so where are you now? In this negative, unhappy limbo land. Where all you have left of HER (and those prior hopes of what you would have with her in terms of a house, a family one day, etc) is this sad place. You don't have the GOOD parts of her anymore, only this bad place...

And also, the thing is...love is not a rational thing. It's not a THOUGHT. The thoughts come with it but love itself is a totally emotional and irrational feeling. So...after a relationship ends, all we have is the thoughts that we try to use to help us feel better, but really, we can't THINK our way out of an irrational emotion, can we? All we can do is try to work stuff out, work out where things went wrong and why, try to learn from the experience, take the view that NO relationship is a failure just because it didn't last, and just give ourselves as much as time as we need to feel better and better each day, week, month, whatever.

So ok. THANK YOU for your wonderful comments about me and my advice! lol. I don't know if what I say makes any sense half the time, but you seem to like it, so that's good.

I understand where you're coming from with the whole credit card stuff. Ugh. I HATE credit cards! Mine suck! And I also know where you're coming from about the job / career thing. Some people just don't WANT a proper career, and I'm the same (well, I WOULD love to make music my career, but how impossible is that most of the time, eh?!). I've never moved up in any of my jobs. I am passive in that way. My first job I was a legal secretary and I was there for 3 years, and only left because I moved to a different state. Then I was in the same job for 2.5 years and only left THERE because they changed things around in the company and they needed a full time person (I was part time) and I did NOT want a full time job, so I had to leave. I then got the job I have now, and I've been there for 6.5 years (part time), and it's ok, but meh. I've just been doing what I'm doing for all that time, and it bores me but there's nowhere to move up to, and I wouldn't want more responsibility anyway.

So...yeah. You're kind of stuck. I see that. And you saw a relationship as a way out, or a path to the life you actually WANT to be living. And of course, you really loved your ex and so that WAS the life you really wanted. And you were on your way. *sigh* But then...yeah. It stopped and now you're still where you were before, and not happy about it.

If you HAD moved in with your ex, do you think you'd have been ok? I mean, you'd have still had the same job, still had the credit card stuff, and you'd have more bills and such too. Would you have felt maybe on some level you would've been moving forward in your life before fixing the stuff that was causing problems before? You know what I mean? And those problems would still be there?

And yes, you do NOT need a gf in order to live the life you want. It's a bit HARDER to do it without a gf because (a) you have no one to share the rent and stuff with (though you COULD move in with someone, like a roomate or something, but I myself would HATE that cause I'm so private and would prefer to live alone rather than live with someone I wasn't in a relationship with) and (b) you may have not much MOTIVATION to live that life you want if there's no one special to share it with.

Why DID you have so much debt? I had a bit of a shopping addiction combined with the fact I couldn't deal with working a full time job and the fact I don't have a proper CAREER so I could never advance up the corporate ladder (so to speak) because there was nowhere to advance TO, and pay rises just don't exist in administration roles nowadays, and so all of that = debt and financial stress. But why DID I spend so much money years ago on buying stuff? Cause I was unhappy? Feeling I was lacking something in my life and was trying to fill a hole and feel better? Are you the same, my friend?

Also, I know what you mean about the job thing over there. It's the same here. If you job-jump, like you don't go UP but you just change jobs and move sideways, you never get any more money!! It sucks! It didn't used to be this way. In my first job, I got a pay rise every 6 months! And if you moved to a different company but in the same industry and role, you ALWAYS expected a higher salary because you had that previous experience. But NOW? Nope. When I moved from my 2nd job (the one I was at for 2.5 years) to my current job, I expected to get a slight increase in salary, but they offered me slightly LESS than what I was on before, just cause that's what their pay rate was for that role. HAH! I said I can't take a step BACKWARDS, I have experience in this EXACT role, so I should get AT LEAST the same as I was on before, if not MORE. And they gave me a bit more, so that was good, except it's barely gone up since then. Gone are the days of automatic annual pay rises.

i do feel that way. thats why when we broke up i hung on for dear life. i could have just said screw you i'm outta here BUT i was so afraid that i would lose her in the process. so i sat around waiting for her NOT wanting to move on even though everyone kept telling me to do so. got burned on that one. i did tell her that b/f we stopped talking that if, down the road, she wanted to give it another try to please let me know. she said she would but ONLY if i wasn't with someone. i told her i didn't care about that but looking back i don't think that was the best idea b/c i could meet someone else that i really like and that would not be fair to them. but in a way i was holding on too because, as crazy as it sounds, i was willing to deal with all her crap b/c i loved her so damn much and i didn't want to do this all alone.

i see what you mean about "limbo land". the thing that kills me is that i am still hanging on just a bit b/c i feel like she is still now sure what she wants still. IDK? i mean she DIDN'T want to break up with me and its not like we fell out of love for one another. but to tell you truth, if we did ever get back together IT would never be the same. thats sad b/c i loved her so much i feel like her BU with me ruined a really good thing IF we could have work past our problems but we know that didn't happen. so i am still in limbo land a bit and will be for awhile until my heart heals.

i never thought about LOVE that way. interesting outlook on that but you're 100% correct. all i have right now is the thought and not the emotion there. i think thats why its so hard for people to get over someone they love so much because you are no longer in the same situation as b/f and you try to think yourself into loving someone. there is no emotion, maybe TONS of sadness, but the irrational part is missing.

i'm VERY passive in my jobs too. i have been at this job for 4.5 years now and the job before this one i was there for 16 YEARS!!!! talk about not moving up and getting stuck in a comfort zone. lol i only left b/c the dr was selling the practice. so if he hadn't then i would prob still be there as we speak.

being in a relationship, ESP with someone that i was madly in love with, was my path and patch to a better life. a way to adulthood. a way to the life i wanted. i knew that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her IF we could have worked on each other. but those things don't change. you just can't change how someone behaves. so here i am. back to square one. thats my saying now. "back to square one"

moving in with my ex was ALWAYS on my mind. it would have given me the sense of independence that i longed for. it would have made me feel like i was fitting into the role as an adult. it would have clear up some of my issues but i was scared to death to move in with her. all i could see was us fighting all the time and me being a nervous wreck. she felt that we had issues but they were not as bad i was making them out to be. WRONG!! she would have been on my ass about everything and i would have never had a moment to myself to relax. but as a whole i would have still had a lot of my issues. C/C's, same job, however, she did live far away so i would have had to prob find a job closer. but i see where you're coming from.

i don't know if i could have a roommate, ESP one i didn't really know. that would suck so bad. there are only a few that i would consider.

my debt is just from years and years of putting something on the card her and there. the scary thing is that i have all this debt and nothing to show for it. i very rarely buy anything on them. it sucks!! i started out with my first card with a 750 credit limit......well lets just say that its nowhere close to THAT. i would kill to have just that amount on my c/c. when we broke up i went on 3 trips and i didn't give a ****. i needed to get away and fast. i think i was trying to run away from my problems b/c as soon as i got back they were waiting for me. but anyways, i didn't care what it took to get my ex off my mind BUT of course that didn't happen b/c she kept texting me the whole time. i'm just going to have to chip away at it and STOP using the freakin cards. its just getting to the scary point now. might have to find a second job to try to get them down faster but i have NO motivation for that right now.

my job situation is such that when i started i was motivated to move up and make more money but i soon realized that was not the case here. you don't move up here. you move sideways. so that changed my mindset right away. the benefits and insurance (you have universal healthcare there right?) are really good but the pay is poor. but for me, it a job and i really have no desire to start all over again somewhere else, at least right now. so i don't know what i'm going to do. i try not to worry about it b/c it could be a lot worse but i don't want to be sitting at this same desk 3 years from now. you know??

and pay raises..LOL not here.

March 23, 2013

Well, firstly, you're actually NOT back to square one, because your whole outlook has changed in a way, from what you've learned and gained from this relationship, don't you think?

It's actually IMPOSSIBLE to literally be back at square one because every experience shapes and changes us, and we can only move forward, even if we don't really want to and would prefer to go backwards (but not THAT far back - not to square one, as you say).

Yeah, if you really HAD lived with your ex and moved further along that path to the life you long for, in my mind you would've been superficially further along that desired path but not deep down. Not really. You'd have been pretending in a way. Not on a conscious level, but you'd have been moving forward DESPITE the issues and problems that would exist.

Right now, you're not happy with your life because...

1. You live with your parents

2. You have an unfulfilling job that doesn't pay enough to at least make it financially fulfilling

3. You have financial stress due to past spending habits

4. You don't have a partner to give you that specific kind of happiness

5. You don't have a partner to allow you to move along towards the life you want

6. You're not the happiest with yourself intrinsically

7. You now have additional unhappiness because this breakup left you blaming yourself and sad because you don't have HER anymore

So...if you were living WITH her, here's how the above points would alter...

1. You'd be happier in theory because you'd be living away from home, independently, and feeling more like you SHOULD be as an adult, however...

(a) You're right in that you'd never be able to relax at all with your ex around all the time

(b) You'd have to maybe change jobs as she lives far away

(d) You'd likely have to change yourself even MORE than you did before to make her "ok"

And right now, you may be thinking, all of that stuff wouldn't matter because you'd still HAVE her. But that's not enough. Not when it's a real situation happening, as it would be if you were living together. Right now, you don't have to deal with any of the negative aspects or practical problems because you're not together. All you miss is the good bits because you don't have them anymore. But in reality, being with her was not so good, and you're aware of that.

2. Your job fulfillment would not change. If you had to get another job, you may even be LESS happy.

3. Financial stress would likely worsen due to

(a) More bills. Even though you'd be sharing, believe me - once you move out of home, you DO pay more, even though you're contributing to the household now where you are.

(b) More stress. You may compensate for the extra stress she would put on you by spending more money on enjoyable things for yourself, OR even her perhaps.

4. You would have a partner who would provide the kind of happiness you seem to really need, even if they're not the best partner for YOU specifically. So that would be fixed, but it's a bandaid solution, you know what I mean?

5. Again, you'd have that partner to help you move along in life, but it'd be like you'd be ignoring the other problems in your life and pushing past them to get to where you want to be in life. Like you may move forward, live together, have kids even, but would you end up HAPPY? I doubt it. Cause of the existing problems. There'd be even MORE financial stress if you had kids, you'd likely end up completely losing yourself due to her expectations, or she'd end up walking away later (when you'd have even more to lose than you already did) because you couldn't give her what she needed.

And everything you had built atop the unstable foundation that pre-existed would come crumbling down.

6. Being with her would actually make you LESS happy intrinsically than you are already, because she can never love and accept you for YOU. And that's not your fault or responsibility that she would feel that way, however it IS your responsibility if you let that damage you beyond repair.

7. You'd have her back, so that particular unhappiness would be gone, but it'd be replaced with those other issues I've mentioned.

So...yeah.

Edited March 23, 2013 by stevie_23

March 23, 2013

Well, firstly, you're actually NOT back to square one, because your whole outlook has changed in a way, from what you've learned and gained from this relationship, don't you think?

It's actually IMPOSSIBLE to literally be back at square one because every experience shapes and changes us, and we can only move forward, even if we don't really want to and would prefer to go backwards (but not THAT far back - not to square one, as you say).

Yeah, if you really HAD lived with your ex and moved further along that path to the life you long for, in my mind you would've been superficially further along that desired path but not deep down. Not really. You'd have been pretending in a way. Not on a conscious level, but you'd have been moving forward DESPITE the issues and problems that would exist.

Right now, you're not happy with your life because...

1. You live with your parents
2. You have an unfulfilling job that doesn't pay enough to at least make it financially fulfilling
3. You have financial stress due to past spending habits
4. You don't have a partner to give you that specific kind of happiness
5. You don't have a partner to allow you to move along towards the life you want
6. You're not the happiest with yourself intrinsically
7. You now have additional unhappiness because this breakup left you blaming yourself and sad because you don't have HER anymore

So...if you were living WITH her, here's how the above points would alter...

1. You'd be happier in theory because you'd be living away from home, independently, and feeling more like you SHOULD be as an adult, however...

(a) You're right in that you'd never be able to relax at all with your ex around all the time
(b) You'd have to maybe change jobs as she lives far away
© Or she'd have to move closer to you, which may not have been possible
(d) You'd likely have to change yourself even MORE than you did before to make her "ok"

And right now, you may be thinking, all of that stuff wouldn't matter because you'd still HAVE her. But that's not enough. Not when it's a real situation happening, as it would be if you were living together. Right now, you don't have to deal with any of the negative aspects or practical problems because you're not together. All you miss is the good bits because you don't have them anymore. But in reality, being with her was not so good, and you're aware of that.

2. Your job fulfillment would not change. If you had to get another job, you may even be LESS happy.
3. Financial stress would likely worsen due to

(a) More bills. Even though you'd be sharing, believe me - once you move out of home, you DO pay more, even though you're contributing to the household now where you are.
(b) More stress. You may compensate for the extra stress she would put on you by spending more money on enjoyable things for yourself, OR even her perhaps.

4. You would have a partner who would provide the kind of happiness you seem to really need, even if they're not the best partner for YOU specifically. So that would be fixed, but it's a bandaid solution, you know what I mean?
5. Again, you'd have that partner to help you move along in life, but it'd be like you'd be ignoring the other problems in your life and pushing past them to get to where you want to be in life. Like you may move forward, live together, have kids even, but would you end up HAPPY? I doubt it. Cause of the existing problems. There'd be even MORE financial stress if you had kids, you'd likely end up completely losing yourself due to her expectations, or she'd end up walking away later (when you'd have even more to lose than you already did) because you couldn't give her what she needed.

And everything you had built atop the unstable foundation that pre-existed would come crumbling down.

6. Being with her would actually make you LESS happy intrinsically than you are already, because she can never love and accept you for YOU. And that's not your fault or responsibility that she would feel that way, however it IS your responsibility if you let that damage you beyond repair.
7. You'd have her back, so that particular unhappiness would be gone, but it'd be replaced with those other issues I've mentioned.

So...yeah.

yeah. you're right about the square one deal. i never thought about it that way. i think for me, i'm looking at in terms of that i have to start all over again with someone new. it just bites when you have put forth SO much effort and it not work out. this past relationship has molded me and i have learned so much but right now i'm so afraid of getting hurt again.

CASE IN POINT: i had another setback with another girl that i met the other night. she was so nice and we hit it off and had a great time. we went for a walk and got a nice couple of kisses out of it at the end. keep in mind that she is from minnesota and i'm in florida but the mext day she was a WHOLE different person. its like she wanted NOTHING to do with me. i was kinda hurt by that and i wasn't really expecting anything out of it, like a gf, but at least acknowledge that i'm still here. don't just ignore me!! she was drinking that night so i'm thinking that she had regrets the next day even though i asked her and she denies feeling that way. so maybe i did put too much into it like the other girl. it didn't help my ego at all. i was feeling so good about myself and that i could actually get a nice girl to talk to me and everything else. but as soon as she started to ignore me it really hurt. i even sent her a nice text when she was flying home telling her that it was really nice to have met her and hope we could keep in touch. NO REPLY!! just kinda bummed that she could treat me that way. oh well her loss.

i thinking i'm trying to hard to find someone new while i'm in the healing process. my self-esteem is already in the crapper for the most part but i'm slowly getting it back. but when these two incidences, where the girl has gone cold on me, i take it to heart. i know i said i didn't have any expectations and no pressure but i think i felt differently as time has past. i think if i was past the healing stage with my ex then i would take it SO hard. i gotta stop doing this to myself and i also need to stop taking responsibility for they SHE feels like you said before. i just still feel like i'm in a rush.

some people have said that the quickest way to get over someone is to find someone new. well that sound fine and dandy but when it doesn't work out or you expect TOO much from it then you get hurt. i think i need to just slow down......BRAKE!!!!

so today, with the way i feel about all this has made me REALLY miss my ex. i hate these feelings. the other night with the girl i was saying hell with my ex. but now she has gone cold i'm back to missing her but i need to keep reminding myself that the bad parts of the relationship OUT WEIGHED the good parts. when i down, like today, i tend to think about her SO much and think about how much i'm hurting and what she is doing and did she do the same thing that i did the other night. it tears me apart. but thats where i need to stop myself and say that it would have never worked out if i had stayed with her. in fact, it prob would be even worse now. and i need to remind myself of how unhappy i was deep down inside. that part is SO HARD b/c i have so much love for her and thats the hardest part to let go of.

so touching on what you were talking about earlier. i need to really work on my own happiness first. are you saying that i need to just stop trying to meet girls all together for right now? i can understand if you were to say yes b/c i have a lot healing yet to do and i need to work on my own happiness b/f i can be truly happy with someone else. but what do i do if i REALLY do meet someone and we hit it off and i think it might go somewhere? do i just not pursue it? or do it cautiously? i would really like to meet someone and NOT just anyone. i'm not in the mood for any games right now. i'm not sure. maybe i'm just not ready right now. IDK. i mean how do you know when you're ready?? when i was at the pub the other night that girl struck up a convo with me. i was sitting there alone minding my own business. so i guess what i'm saying is that i went down there without ANY expectations of meeting anyone that night. it just so happened that a great night came out of it and we hung out till 3 in the morning on the beach. but then it was a whole diff ballgame the next day and then i had this "hurting" feeling inside, even though i knew NOTHING was going to come out of it b/c she lives 1500 miles away.

i guess all i can take from all this is that there are girls out there that are into me i guess. but i think for me, because of my semi low self esteem, i then to go a bit overboard and latch on a little too much. and then when it doesn't work out i take it hard, even if they do love so far away. if i was one of those guys that had girls all over the place hitting on me then it wouldn't that big of a deal if it didn't work out b/c there would be another one lined up.

yeah....moving in with my ex would not have been a wise decision AT ALL. i knew deep in my heart that it would not have been a good way to go. she pressured me for awhile about it but after some time she let up b/c i think she realized herself that we just had too many issues for us to take that next step. so in the end, i'm REALLY glad that we didn't b/c, like you said, i would have to change myself even more and i'll be honest with you, i don't think i could have changed anymore than i already had. i shouldn't have had to do that. god i should have just been myself........

March 23, 2013

Hockey... I am in a very similar situation. My break up is only 2 months out but I for some reason felt the need to keep in contact with her. The best i did was about 2 weeks of no contact, then I ripped my own stitches out before I healed again. I completely understand where you are coming from. I have never been through something so painful in my life. I read your post about you feeling like she was always mad at you in the car and was silent... Exact same thing happened to me. The girl wouldn't talk she would just bottle everything up. The best way I can describe it is like a volcano waiting to erupt... (Looking back you may see signs) don't worry though. There is nothing you could have changed. I replay everything in my head daily. I think what if I did this, what if I said that, what if what if. It absolutely blows my mind. But there are some women that are immature and do not understand a good thing when they have it. Some are addicted to new romance, some are so insecure with themselves they drive themselves out of love. I am not saying your ex had this but look into borderline personality disorder.( specifically bpdfamily.com--->articles---> article 9) My ex was never diagnosed with this to my knowledge but reading about it is almost scary. So many things match up. It doesn't help my pain, I still miss and think about what could have changed, but at least I know that if this was the case that these type of women are very very hard to let go of emotionally.

March 24, 2013

Hockey... I am in a very similar situation. My break up is only 2 months out but I for some reason felt the need to keep in contact with her. The best i did was about 2 weeks of no contact, then I ripped my own stitches out before I healed again. I completely understand where you are coming from. I have never been through something so painful in my life. I read your post about you feeling like she was always mad at you in the car and was silent... Exact same thing happened to me. The girl wouldn't talk she would just bottle everything up. The best way I can describe it is like a volcano waiting to erupt... (Looking back you may see signs) don't worry though. There is nothing you could have changed. I replay everything in my head daily. I think what if I did this, what if I said that, what if what if. It absolutely blows my mind. But there are some women that are immature and do not understand a good thing when they have it. Some are addicted to new romance, some are so insecure with themselves they drive themselves out of love. I am not saying your ex had this but look into borderline personality disorder.( specifically bpdfamily.com--->articles---> article 9) My ex was never diagnosed with this to my knowledge but reading about it is almost scary. So many things match up. It doesn't help my pain, I still miss and think about what could have changed, but at least I know that if this was the case that these type of women are very very hard to let go of emotionally.

thanks buddy. its so tough right now. i think about all the things i could have done diff and it kills me b/c i know that it wouldn't have made a diff at all. there was no changing her. i changed for her so much but there is only so much changing you can do for someone. in a way you shouldn't have to change at all. a little tweek here and there is fine but not to the extent that i had to. i just never seemed like i was right. i ALWAYS felt like i was doing something wrong such as the car thing. i would sit there in the passenger side feeling like i was sitting on one big egg shell.

the part that kills me the most is that i would have and did EVERYTHING for my ex. i tried to be SO perfect that way she didn't have anything to come down on me about. but it never worked. she always found something. i mean how can you love someone SO MUCH but be afraid to sit next to them in a car. thats terrible!! awful feeling. it just got to the point where we couldn't talk to each other and i think for me, in my mind, i was SICK of feel scared all the time and getting upset at her was my way of fight back indirectly.

it just sucks cause we had such a beautiful thing going. she was my first love and i wanted the whole package with her BUT she just wouldn't lighten the hell up and give me a break sometimes. i was myself in the beginning of the relationship but i soon realized that i was going to have to change a bit so that it would work out. at the end i wasn't myself at all. i couldn't express an opinion about something w/o her reading TOO much into it. so i wouldn't say a word. it was so one sided that i felt like she was ALWAYS looking down at me and it made me feel like crap.

part of me really hopes that she regrets BU with me. i know thats mean to say b/c i love her and i want her to be happy. she thinks she's going to find that perfect guy out there and have him not make any mistakes. LORD help him if he does b/c he is in for a ride OR he might say bite me and BU with her b/c he won't put up with it like i did for so long.......

Edited March 24, 2013 by hockeyfan99

March 24, 2013

I hope my ex regrets my break up as well. I completely understand how you feel. You wish them, happiness but deep down you don't at the time. Why should they get the happy ending!?.... It is so frustrating. I gave my ex my all as well... I expected very little out if her and changed a lot about myself as well. I started my relationship as a very successful business man and over time noticed that I was changing for her. I am now on a leave from work and am trying to rediscover myself. Fortunately I work for a great company that has given me time off otherwise I would have been fired. I know a lot of people will tell you to get over it... Man up.... Tough it out.... But don't worry that is bull s***. You need to grieve your loss. Everyone is different, there is no set timetable to recover.

By no means am i wishing that my ex was dead but as crazy as it sounds i would almost rather be grieving a death, then I would not be thinking of all these what if scenarios in my head. There would be no " who are they with"."what are they doing". "Does she ever think about me" "does she miss me". None of that crap would be going on. I truly feel that a break up with someone you love is just as painful, if not more painful then a death. I have never been so helpless in my life. I have been in relationships many times but have never felt the pain, the punch to the stomach, the reoccurring happy memories that bring tears to the eyes. Have faith in the universe, I don't know what our higher power is but I know there is something. Something is looking down on us and giving us a blessing in disguise. We will one day realize that we dodged massive bullets and be so great-full for it. I promise you we will both look back and laugh about this one day. Until then may peace be with you my friend. I am always here to chat if you need it. It helps a lot having other people in the same situation to talk to.

March 24, 2013

You know how annoyingly common it is for women / men you don't know that you happen to make a connection with one time and then they just completely blank you afterwards like you never existed? SO COMMON, my friend! Don't let it get to you! Again, it's all about her and nothing to do with you. It's quite rude on her part actually, to ignore you, but whatever. If that's how she wants to be, you don't want to be friends with that type of person anyway. Sometimes people are lame and yes, her reasons for not pursuing anything were maybe she was drunk, and that she lives so far away, or doesn't want a relationship at all, OR any new friends, but to just ignore you shows she is lacking in common courtesy, ok? And that's not your fault.

So try to chin up. At least you had a nice evening, right?

I do have something to say though. Yes, you ARE trying too hard to find someone new or to feel something similar to how you felt with your ex. It's too early, man. You're still thinking and talking about her (on here anyway) constantly and you're still very unhappy about it, and yet at the same time you're kissing other girls and being upset when they don't want any further interactions with you afterwards? It's just all messed up at the moment, in your mind.

Yes, it can help to get over someone if you develop feelings for someone else. Yes, it can help to get you out of a depression if you go out and have some fun times and be a bit social. But...you're investing too much of your own self esteem into everything right now. You're still unconsciously feeling either responsible for your ex's feelings or angry at her because of them (like she made a mistake, etc). And you're now transferring that to other girls who you say you don't even want a relationship from, but when they "reject" you, you take it to heart. This shows me it's just too soon for you. OR you've always been this way and simply have low self esteem and so put too much pressure on yourself and others to make things work out well, you know? And if that's the case, it is something you should work on while you're on your own during this time. Take advantage of the fact right now you don't feel the need to alter yourself or to compromise anything for anyone else and try to feel better about yourself, by yourself.

Also (and maybe this is a consideration too) do you feel you're unhappy MOSTLY because of not being with HER anymore, or because you're not with ANYONE anymore and how that relates to where you want to be in life, feeling you're having to start over and stuff? Which one upsets you MORE now? Because if it is the second option, then it's NOT actually too soon to try to seek out pleasant interactions and experiences with other people, and it'd make sense that you'd be wanting to do that now, to improve your life the way it is NOW, and not just sit around waiting and hoping for it to finally improve once you're actually in a relationship again.

So yeah, in that case, it's not too soon to be doing this, BUT it may be not the right thing to do in general if you're hoping (even if you're not aware of it) to somehow meet someone NOW who you will eventually end up being with down the track, who can provide you with that path to the life you want. It's just way too much pressure for both of you.

Do I think you need to stop trying to meet someone until your own happiness / self esteem / life is improved? Well...sort of. In a way. There's a difference between actively TRYING to meet someone and being OPEN to it happening if and when it happens. Right now, you're trying. And I think you're muddled about it because you don't know what you want. Or you want a few things but they don't match up...

1. You want your ex back (sort of). On an emotional level you mostly do, but on a mental level you know it wouldn't be for the best for either of you

2. You want to be in a proper, happy relationship (which is fine, but you also said you're not looking for that right now, which is also fine, HOWEVER I think you ARE sort of still looking for that...not just to replace, in a way, what you had (the GOOD parts) with your ex, but to get you back AWAY from square one in terms of your life path)

3. You just want to meet people, be social, have fun, and feel WANTED

So...these don't match up at ALL. Anyone you meet to JUST have fun and be social, you seem to place high expectations on. And points 2 & 3 are the opposite of each other really, so it's a bit confused. And points 1 & 3 are the opposite as well, as you wouldn't need to be social and feel wanted if you were still with your ex because you'd get that feeling wanted thing from her. Points 1 & 2 DO match but it wasn't the right relationship, so...that's not even an option.

The only common thread running through those 3 things is that you want to feel wanted and loved and appreciated and cared for and respected. Your ex leaving you made you feel unloved and at fault. These girls "rejecting" you makes you feel the same. The fact you're not at the place you want to be at in your life makes you feel inadequate. ALL of those things you want would make you NOT feel inadequate I think. But really, only YOU inside yourself can achieve that.

Also, it SEEMS only to be girls you're interested in meeting. Why is that, if you only want social interaction and not any sort of potential relationship? Guys are good at social interaction too. If you're only looking at girls for this casual social stuff, is it because you DO want something more, or because your self esteem is associated with how girls view you? (maybe because girls are the only ones who are important in terms of enabling you to be happy in a relationship and to let you be where you want to in life in terms of having a proper relationship, moving out of home with a partner, having kids, etc. Guys can't provide any of that for you so you're not interested in even socialising with them and if they DO reject you or don't want to have a drink with you or talk to you or maintain a friendship, who cares? They don't affect the potential happiness of your life and so they don't affect your self esteem? Or something like that anyway)

So when you're going out, hoping or trying to meet people (girls), the fact you're trying to be casual and with no expectations and yet you DO expect them to be friends or stay in contact with you or give you their numbers or whatever...it's not matching up with the casual social thing. Not really. It may confuse them. I don't know. I think you're confused (but then, so am I. I think we ALL are. lol)

So anyway, be OPEN to finding new love or a partner whenever it happens. You will know. You CAN go looking if you want...if it makes you feel better. But the thing is, it DOESN'T seem to be making you feel better because every time you meet a girl and you have a good time, you're happy but then she's not interested in anything further (even friendship) and you drop down again. You're STILL on this emotional roller coaster and there's just no need for that.

Many wise people say when you STOP looking, what you want tends to come to you. That's what I'm trying to say here I think.

Edited March 24, 2013 by stevie_23

March 24, 2013

You know how annoyingly common it is for women / men you don't know that you happen to make a connection with one time and then they just completely blank you afterwards like you never existed? SO COMMON, my friend! Don't let it get to you! Again, it's all about her and nothing to do with you. It's quite rude on her part actually, to ignore you, but whatever. If that's how she wants to be, you don't want to be friends with that type of person anyway. Sometimes people are lame and yes, her reasons for not pursuing anything were maybe she was drunk, and that she lives so far away, or doesn't want a relationship at all, OR any new friends, but to just ignore you shows she is lacking in common courtesy, ok? And that's not your fault.

So try to chin up. At least you had a nice evening, right?

I do have something to say though. Yes, you ARE trying too hard to find someone new or to feel something similar to how you felt with your ex. It's too early, man. You're still thinking and talking about her (on here anyway) constantly and you're still very unhappy about it, and yet at the same time you're kissing other girls and being upset when they don't want any further interactions with you afterwards? It's just all messed up at the moment, in your mind.

Yes, it can help to get over someone if you develop feelings for someone else. Yes, it can help to get you out of a depression if you go out and have some fun times and be a bit social. But...you're investing too much of your own self esteem into everything right now. You're still unconsciously feeling either responsible for your ex's feelings or angry at her because of them (like she made a mistake, etc). And you're now transferring that to other girls who you say you don't even want a relationship from, but when they "reject" you, you take it to heart. This shows me it's just too soon for you. OR you've always been this way and simply have low self esteem and so put too much pressure on yourself and others to make things work out well, you know? And if that's the case, it is something you should work on while you're on your own during this time. Take advantage of the fact right now you don't feel the need to alter yourself or to compromise anything for anyone else and try to feel better about yourself, by yourself.

Also (and maybe this is a consideration too) do you feel you're unhappy MOSTLY because of not being with HER anymore, or because you're not with ANYONE anymore and how that relates to where you want to be in life, feeling you're having to start over and stuff? Which one upsets you MORE now? Because if it is the second option, then it's NOT actually too soon to try to seek out pleasant interactions and experiences with other people, and it'd make sense that you'd be wanting to do that now, to improve your life the way it is NOW, and not just sit around waiting and hoping for it to finally improve once you're actually in a relationship again.

So yeah, in that case, it's not too soon to be doing this, BUT it may be not the right thing to do in general if you're hoping (even if you're not aware of it) to somehow meet someone NOW who you will eventually end up being with down the track, who can provide you with that path to the life you want. It's just way too much pressure for both of you.

Do I think you need to stop trying to meet someone until your own happiness / self esteem / life is improved? Well...sort of. In a way. There's a difference between actively TRYING to meet someone and being OPEN to it happening if and when it happens. Right now, you're trying. And I think you're muddled about it because you don't know what you want. Or you want a few things but they don't match up...

1. You want your ex back (sort of). On an emotional level you mostly do, but on a mental level you know it wouldn't be for the best for either of you

2. You want to be in a proper, happy relationship (which is fine, but you also said you're not looking for that right now, which is also fine, HOWEVER I think you ARE sort of still looking for that...not just to replace, in a way, what you had (the GOOD parts) with your ex, but to get you back AWAY from square one in terms of your life path)

3. You just want to meet people, be social, have fun, and feel WANTED

So...these don't match up at ALL. Anyone you meet to JUST have fun and be social, you seem to place high expectations on. And points 2 & 3 are the opposite of each other really, so it's a bit confused. And points 1 & 3 are the opposite as well, as you wouldn't need to be social and feel wanted if you were still with your ex because you'd get that feeling wanted thing from her. Points 1 & 2 DO match but it wasn't the right relationship, so...that's not even an option.

The only common thread running through those 3 things is that you want to feel wanted and loved and appreciated and cared for and respected. Your ex leaving you made you feel unloved and at fault. These girls "rejecting" you makes you feel the same. The fact you're not at the place you want to be at in your life makes you feel inadequate. ALL of those things you want would make you NOT feel inadequate I think. But really, only YOU inside yourself can achieve that.

Also, it SEEMS only to be girls you're interested in meeting. Why is that, if you only want social interaction and not any sort of potential relationship? Guys are good at social interaction too. If you're only looking at girls for this casual social stuff, is it because you DO want something more, or because your self esteem is associated with how girls view you? (maybe because girls are the only ones who are important in terms of enabling you to be happy in a relationship and to let you be where you want to in life in terms of having a proper relationship, moving out of home with a partner, having kids, etc. Guys can't provide any of that for you so you're not interested in even socialising with them and if they DO reject you or don't want to have a drink with you or talk to you or maintain a friendship, who cares? They don't affect the potential happiness of your life and so they don't affect your self esteem? Or something like that anyway)

So when you're going out, hoping or trying to meet people (girls), the fact you're trying to be casual and with no expectations and yet you DO expect them to be friends or stay in contact with you or give you their numbers or whatever...it's not matching up with the casual social thing. Not really. It may confuse them. I don't know. I think you're confused (but then, so am I. I think we ALL are. lol)

So anyway, be OPEN to finding new love or a partner whenever it happens. You will know. You CAN go looking if you want...if it makes you feel better. But the thing is, it DOESN'T seem to be making you feel better because every time you meet a girl and you have a good time, you're happy but then she's not interested in anything further (even friendship) and you drop down again. You're STILL on this emotional roller coaster and there's just no need for that.

Many wise people say when you STOP looking, what you want tends to come to you. That's what I'm trying to say here I think.

it kinda sucks about the whole girl i met but i really wasn't expecting anything from that other than to hang out. now if she lived in town that might be different but IDK?? oh well. i'm over it. and yes i had a great night.

but you're right, i think i am trying to hard. i'm just scared that if i sit around TOO long i'm going to blink and then all the sudden another 6 months just passed me by and i feel like my clock is running out on love. IDK? but a lot of the time, like tonight, when i'm alone i still find myself thinking about my ex and how much i miss her and how much pain i'm in right now. but i really think i need to take a step back and STOP trying so damn hard. i'm so messed up in the head right now. i have a million emotions running thru me all at once it seems.

"You're still unconsciously feeling either responsible for your ex's feelings or angry at her because of them (like she made a mistake, etc). And you're now transferring that to other girls who you say you don't even want a relationship from, but when they "reject" you, you take it to heart. This shows me it's just too soon for you. OR you've always been this way and simply have low self esteem and so put too much pressure on yourself and others to make things work out well, you know?"..........i think its a little of both on this point. i think down inside i still feel to blame for the way the relationship went down. i know i feel that way a lot because i find myself talking to myself (yeah, i know thats weird. helps me to get it out in a way) about how sorry i am for hurting her and if i was only given the chance i would show her how good a person i really am. THEN after i talk and think about it for a bit i start getting angry at her for the crap she is putting me through. i remember thinking about my ex when i was kissing that girl and thinking F you!! BUT the next day when she was SOOOO distant it kinda hurt my feeling a bit b/c i felt used and unwanted AGAIN, even knowing that i knew nothing would come out of kissing this girl. thats my fault b/c i put SO much into it and i didn't take a step back and say slow down. i don't know what got into to me. i guess i'm just really confused, angry, sad and depressed all wrapped into one person.

i have ALWAYS had a low self-esteem about myself for as long as i can remember. i used to think to myself sometimes with my ex that i couldn't believe that she would go for a guy like me. i mean she was gorgeous and i think i'm just "ok". its funny you said that b/c i went to that pub again tonight and i was sitting there (feeling down a bit) and i'm friends with one of the bartenders and she is so beautiful. when she was taking a break she was standing there next to me and we were talking and i got to thinking about asking HER if she thought i was good looking not for any other reason other than to see what she would say. i say that b/c she is married and i just wanted a woman's perspective on it. BUT i decided not to because i didn't want to feel stupid later so i just zipped it up and didn't say a word. but thats the thoughts that are running through my head right now. i mean, i know that i'm not ugly but i don't seem to attract much attention. i hardly EVER catch a girl staring at me. or if i walk by a nice looking girl and smile and say hi they don't seem the least bit interested. its just hard for me at my age. i feel like as i get older i get less attractive and i HATE IT!!

i think for me i feel unhappy b/c i don't have ANYONE right now and that hurts the most. i still wish that i was back with my ex but i'm starting to quickly realize that if that was to ever happen (which it never will) that it would NEVER be the same as it was before. so i keep telling myself that. its past the point of no return and besides my family is not to fond of my ex as well and we know how important that part is. but i do understand what you mean by finding one NOW to provide me with path that i'm looking for.

i think i want to feel wanted and like and respected. i felt that way the other night when the girl started talking to me. i almost fell out of my chair. hardly any girls EVER come up to me start chatting it up. so it made me feel good.

i think my brain is longing for another relationship but my heart is still saying that it might be just a bit too soon. IDK?? i prob don't realize that i'm out there seeking that. i don't know why? i think i'm prob doing it because i'm trying to get over the pain of my ex AND i also feel like i'm wasting time sitting around for myself to feel better and i think that would just take too long. i just feel so hurried b/c of my age. i've never felt this way EVER. cause what started out as casual walks out in the beach area a couple times a week has turned into me hanging out at this pub 3-4 times a week. its all i think about sometimes. i reaching.........

i have chatted with the guy bartender many times and he's really cool but i do find myself talking to the girl bartenders more often prob b/c all of them are HOT and when they talk to ME, it makes me feel wanted and important in a weird way i guess. but again it goes back to what i mentioned earlier about almost asking the girl bartender about how "I" look to her and if she would give me the time of day if i had ever asked her out. but you're right about how talking to only the girls in general would be "the only ones who are important in terms of enabling you to be happy in a relationship and to let you be where you want to in life in terms of having a proper relationship, moving out of home with a partner, having kids, etc." i think deep down inside i'm seeking the approval of girls out there. i want to see how they react to me and when it doesn't go well i start to feel down. i started going out to try to put myself out there but i'm starting to find that i'm TRYING to hard to make it happen in terms of possibly meeting someone.

i just don't know what to do with myself.....i'm so torn. one part of me wants that feeling again of being wanted and loved again. BUT there is another side of me that still really misses my ex (even if it was a bad relationship) and that says to me that maybe i'm just not ready just yet. but the problem for me is when? when will i know that i'm over her. i don't think i'll ever be totally over her. but when i just TRY to put myself out there i put forth way too much effort and in turn get hurt b/c i, (deep-down) expect the first girl that talks to me to be my friend or maybe something more.

but i really think to sum it up, i'm just really hurting and i want to put the pain of my ex behind me and try to put myself out there. BUT i'm having trouble even doing that. this sucks..... i'm so confused right now. i want off this roller coaster......now.

March 24, 2013

You know how annoyingly common it is for women / men you don't know that you happen to make a connection with one time and then they just completely blank you afterwards like you never existed? SO COMMON, my friend! Don't let it get to you! Again, it's all about her and nothing to do with you. It's quite rude on her part actually, to ignore you, but whatever. If that's how she wants to be, you don't want to be friends with that type of person anyway. Sometimes people are lame and yes, her reasons for not pursuing anything were maybe she was drunk, and that she lives so far away, or doesn't want a relationship at all, OR any new friends, but to just ignore you shows she is lacking in common courtesy, ok? And that's not your fault.

So try to chin up. At least you had a nice evening, right?

I do have something to say though. Yes, you ARE trying too hard to find someone new or to feel something similar to how you felt with your ex. It's too early, man. You're still thinking and talking about her (on here anyway) constantly and you're still very unhappy about it, and yet at the same time you're kissing other girls and being upset when they don't want any further interactions with you afterwards? It's just all messed up at the moment, in your mind.

Yes, it can help to get over someone if you develop feelings for someone else. Yes, it can help to get you out of a depression if you go out and have some fun times and be a bit social. But...you're investing too much of your own self esteem into everything right now. You're still unconsciously feeling either responsible for your ex's feelings or angry at her because of them (like she made a mistake, etc). And you're now transferring that to other girls who you say you don't even want a relationship from, but when they "reject" you, you take it to heart. This shows me it's just too soon for you. OR you've always been this way and simply have low self esteem and so put too much pressure on yourself and others to make things work out well, you know? And if that's the case, it is something you should work on while you're on your own during this time. Take advantage of the fact right now you don't feel the need to alter yourself or to compromise anything for anyone else and try to feel better about yourself, by yourself.

Also (and maybe this is a consideration too) do you feel you're unhappy MOSTLY because of not being with HER anymore, or because you're not with ANYONE anymore and how that relates to where you want to be in life, feeling you're having to start over and stuff? Which one upsets you MORE now? Because if it is the second option, then it's NOT actually too soon to try to seek out pleasant interactions and experiences with other people, and it'd make sense that you'd be wanting to do that now, to improve your life the way it is NOW, and not just sit around waiting and hoping for it to finally improve once you're actually in a relationship again.

So yeah, in that case, it's not too soon to be doing this, BUT it may be not the right thing to do in general if you're hoping (even if you're not aware of it) to somehow meet someone NOW who you will eventually end up being with down the track, who can provide you with that path to the life you want. It's just way too much pressure for both of you.

Do I think you need to stop trying to meet someone until your own happiness / self esteem / life is improved? Well...sort of. In a way. There's a difference between actively TRYING to meet someone and being OPEN to it happening if and when it happens. Right now, you're trying. And I think you're muddled about it because you don't know what you want. Or you want a few things but they don't match up...

1. You want your ex back (sort of). On an emotional level you mostly do, but on a mental level you know it wouldn't be for the best for either of you

2. You want to be in a proper, happy relationship (which is fine, but you also said you're not looking for that right now, which is also fine, HOWEVER I think you ARE sort of still looking for that...not just to replace, in a way, what you had (the GOOD parts) with your ex, but to get you back AWAY from square one in terms of your life path)

3. You just want to meet people, be social, have fun, and feel WANTED

So...these don't match up at ALL. Anyone you meet to JUST have fun and be social, you seem to place high expectations on. And points 2 & 3 are the opposite of each other really, so it's a bit confused. And points 1 & 3 are the opposite as well, as you wouldn't need to be social and feel wanted if you were still with your ex because you'd get that feeling wanted thing from her. Points 1 & 2 DO match but it wasn't the right relationship, so...that's not even an option.

The only common thread running through those 3 things is that you want to feel wanted and loved and appreciated and cared for and respected. Your ex leaving you made you feel unloved and at fault. These girls "rejecting" you makes you feel the same. The fact you're not at the place you want to be at in your life makes you feel inadequate. ALL of those things you want would make you NOT feel inadequate I think. But really, only YOU inside yourself can achieve that.

Also, it SEEMS only to be girls you're interested in meeting. Why is that, if you only want social interaction and not any sort of potential relationship? Guys are good at social interaction too. If you're only looking at girls for this casual social stuff, is it because you DO want something more, or because your self esteem is associated with how girls view you? (maybe because girls are the only ones who are important in terms of enabling you to be happy in a relationship and to let you be where you want to in life in terms of having a proper relationship, moving out of home with a partner, having kids, etc. Guys can't provide any of that for you so you're not interested in even socialising with them and if they DO reject you or don't want to have a drink with you or talk to you or maintain a friendship, who cares? They don't affect the potential happiness of your life and so they don't affect your self esteem? Or something like that anyway)

So when you're going out, hoping or trying to meet people (girls), the fact you're trying to be casual and with no expectations and yet you DO expect them to be friends or stay in contact with you or give you their numbers or whatever...it's not matching up with the casual social thing. Not really. It may confuse them. I don't know. I think you're confused (but then, so am I. I think we ALL are. lol)

So anyway, be OPEN to finding new love or a partner whenever it happens. You will know. You CAN go looking if you want...if it makes you feel better. But the thing is, it DOESN'T seem to be making you feel better because every time you meet a girl and you have a good time, you're happy but then she's not interested in anything further (even friendship) and you drop down again. You're STILL on this emotional roller coaster and there's just no need for that.

Many wise people say when you STOP looking, what you want tends to come to you. That's what I'm trying to say here I think.

just something else i thought about. i know that i'm not ready for a relationship just yet. but what started out as a casual way to meet new friends may have turned into a possible quest to find a new girl and i might not have even realized that i was doing that. when i was with that girl the other night, i had no pain from the BU. i hardly thought about my ex. maybe just a few times. however, i don't know if i was reaching for any girl to fill the void or if it was really a situation where i really liked this girl. i don't know if i'm making ANY sense right now. all i know is that i felt so ALIVE the other night. i felt special. i felt wanted. i felt desired. BUT then the next day came and i was down in the dumps again b/c i put forth so much effort and got hurt again....

March 24, 2013

I hope my ex regrets my break up as well. I completely understand how you feel. You wish them, happiness but deep down you don't at the time. Why should they get the happy ending!?.... It is so frustrating. I gave my ex my all as well... I expected very little out if her and changed a lot about myself as well. I started my relationship as a very successful business man and over time noticed that I was changing for her. I am now on a leave from work and am trying to rediscover myself. Fortunately I work for a great company that has given me time off otherwise I would have been fired. I know a lot of people will tell you to get over it... Man up.... Tough it out.... But don't worry that is bull s***. You need to grieve your loss. Everyone is different, there is no set timetable to recover.

By no means am i wishing that my ex was dead but as crazy as it sounds i would almost rather be grieving a death, then I would not be thinking of all these what if scenarios in my head. There would be no " who are they with"."what are they doing". "Does she ever think about me" "does she miss me". None of that crap would be going on. I truly feel that a break up with someone you love is just as painful, if not more painful then a death. I have never been so helpless in my life. I have been in relationships many times but have never felt the pain, the punch to the stomach, the reoccurring happy memories that bring tears to the eyes. Have faith in the universe, I don't know what our higher power is but I know there is something. Something is looking down on us and giving us a blessing in disguise. We will one day realize that we dodged massive bullets and be so great-full for it. I promise you we will both look back and laugh about this one day. Until then may peace be with you my friend. I am always here to chat if you need it. It helps a lot having other people in the same situation to talk to.

i'm sorry you're going thru all this. it sucks really bad and i know what you're going thru. i have had all the same thoughts about who she is talking to? who is she hanging out with? who is she sleeping with? its hard to block out those thoughts but i just have to remind myself that if i was STILL with her nothing would change. i would still be in the same situation and STILL feel like i was walking on egg shells all the time. i hated it because you never want to feel like that when you love the person as much as i did. but all her decisions are out of my hands and i have started to "try" to move on as much as it hurts. but you're right i hope we look back on all this and laugh........but its going to be awhile for that. oh well.

March 25, 2013

ok...so the ex text me tonight out of the blue. she wrote, "everyone in the world will tell me i'm wrong tp text you right now. and i know its so wrong so please forgive me. please don't be mad, i just had to say hi. i couldn't help where my thoughts drifted to. i'm sorry. i hope so much you aren't mad for this". i replied with, "i'm not mad. it's ok". THEN she texts me again and says, "i had no idea how i would react downing down the road you live off of. thank you for not being mad. i just had an overwhelming need to.." so i reply with, "its ok. i understand." so then she replies back, "thank you. i won't say more. i know its not the greatest to hear from like this." so i reply with, "yeah. its not easy thats for sure." her reply, "i will handle it differently next time, i'm sorry." i reply with, "i understand."

BOY, what a shot to the gut this was. i understand why she did it but i tell you it took every once of energy not to freak out on her and break into i texting mess explaining to her just HOW much i'm hurt by all this crap. but i didn't. i didn't DARE ask how she was doing. deep down inside i would like to know but also i know that it would not do ANYTHING to help me get over her. this just sucks. i really wished that she hadn't done that. i'm feeling sick to my stomach right now.

March 25, 2013

ok. so she replied once again and then i did kinda freak out on her a bit and told her just how hurt i am. i think i really F up when i did that b/c i wanted to give her the impression that i was doing great and all is well but my emotions got the best of me i guess. i'm really hating myself for doing that. i really wished that she would have just left me alone for the love of god. for someone that doesn't want me anymore, i find it odd that she is texting me. is she trying to make my life a living nightmare?!?!?!

March 25, 2013

Hey buddy, how old are you guys? I forgot to ask you that and I might have missed it in a previous post you made. Anyways.... I am like you I feel like they left us so they must never think about us.... This is unfortunately probably not the case. I don't know why she messages you but I know the sick feeling you are talking about. I would puke every morning for about 3 weeks after my break up and occasionally I still will. I have a feeling that she is just testing the fishing line to see if you are still on the hook to reel back in if she wanted. She could also legitimately miss you. It is such a mind f***. I was doing good until I got an apology email a week ago and it just blew my mind. I really don't know if no contact approach works for me or not....sometimes I feel like it makes it worse.

March 25, 2013

sorry for all the messages about her texting me.

basically she wanted to see how i was and tell me that she misses me very much. i'm not sure what to make of all this and i'm not getting my hopes up at all. so basically had a tiny setback tonight but i'll be fine.

March 25, 2013

Hey buddy, how old are you guys? I forgot to ask you that and I might have missed it in a previous post you made. Anyways.... I am like you I feel like they left us so they must never think about us.... This is unfortunately probably not the case. I don't know why she messages you but I know the sick feeling you are talking about. I would puke every morning for about 3 weeks after my break up and occasionally I still will. I have a feeling that she is just testing the fishing line to see if you are still on the hook to reel back in if she wanted. She could also legitimately miss you. It is such a mind f***. I was doing good until I got an apology email a week ago and it just blew my mind. I really don't know if no contact approach works for me or not....sometimes I feel like it makes it worse.

i was 40 and she was 25 when we broke up. yeah the texting thing is a bit annoying. she said she was sorry many times and i understand why she did it but it STILL doesn't change a thing and she is STILL not coming back and even if she did she would STILL be the same person as before. i too was doing good till tonight but its just a tiny setback and i'll be fine.

March 25, 2013

No worries with the post. You have to have a place to vent and this is a great place! Yes she most likely would be the same person, you would have the same issues. It basically comes down to if you are willing to change who you are for a person...I am struggling with that fact myself right now. I would seriously have to give up my identity and I don't know if that would even work in the long run.

i don't think i can take this pain anymore

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