MN85 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Hi everyone, First,let me say thanks in advance for reading this post, as it is rather long, andfor answering my questions. A little background: I'm a guy, 27, have a pretty solid career going and ampretty good looking as well – to cite one of my platonic girlfriends: “you’re a9+ on a scale of 10”. So far, I’ve only had 1 relationship in my life (3 yearsin college) and got burned pretty badly at the end. To avoid that, I’ve justplayed around with quite a few different women ever since. In Oct. 2012, I met this girl at a grad school event and we started chatting –first over e-mail, then on the phone. Eventually we started going out and weboth agreed that this was going to be random messing around. Well,it didn’t stay that way – in early Dec. she started to get more attached andgave me signs that this was more serious (or at least I interpreted these signsas such): - Multiple texts (10+) everyday - Hanging at my place(since I don’t have a roomie but she does) every weekend (incl. staying over) - Lots of hugs, kisses,cuddling - In general, just alot of affection - She was always game foralmost anything (talk about putting up with my quirks) - Talking aboutvirtually everything - Her inviting me tolunch at her work - Her inviting me tomeet her friends (though I cancelled because I had to work - Her telling me that: o She feels really safe& relaxed when she’s with me o She really likes me o Complimenting me forvarious reasons (looks, cooking skills,…etc.) So,I kind of gave in because I really liked that girl and we came closer – youknow, I cooked dinner for her 2 times; she made me brownies…that type of thing. OverChristmas, I went home to Europe and we still kept in touch. We exchanged 1-2e-mails per day and a few pictures and we met up on the evening of the very daythat I came back to the states. Tosum up, she was really into it and only got closer to me until the last week ofJanuary. Now,here’s one thing that should‘ve given me pause: hew boyfriend of 2.5 years (andfirst ever boyfriend) broke up with her 1 day before we first met… Ilearned this early on (week 4) but I chose to ignore it because she was gettingmore into me and I thought this was over (dumb, I know…). Anyway,in mid-January, she tells me that her ex pinged her on Skype and that she needsto get closure from him. I played it cool and we kept hanging out (affectionlevel unchanged but very slightly fewer texts). Thesame topic came up in the last week of January and we started talking. Now, Ithink this is when I made a very dumb move. I told her to just let her ex goand move on with the good thing that we have going. To that, she told me thatshe really likes me and so on but that she’s too scared to be hurt again –note: she did clearly say that she doesn’t want her ex back BUT that she doesnot hate him and that she needs closure from him. Afterwards,I walked out and this was the last time we saw each other. Nextday, we kind of had a mushy text & e-mail exchange and I basically saidthat I really liked out time together and that I’d ping her in a while. Sheagreed and said that she needs her own **** figured out first before gettinginvolved with anyone (i.e. me). 2weeks later, I ping her again and we set a coffee date. However, she tells methat she only wants friendship – no flirting and nothing more. I responded by: a. Telling her that I don’tunderstand what made her change from the girl who was really into me into this b. Cancelling the coffeedate and moving on Itried to keep my composure throughout this entire thing, which was hard becauseI apparently really really like this girl and because I really suck at dealingwith rejection (haven’t had too much in my life). I did get a little emotional/pathetic,as in telling her that she’s stupid for still clinging to her ex while shecould have me, but I never went down that aggressive pursuit/masscalling/begging road. Infact, I only called her twice and only had a long, yet fairly composed, textexchange on the day we first blew up (before the 2 week break). Interesting thing is that she responded to my e-mails & texts even after our blowup (though I wouldn't count her friendship-only response as positive). Now,last contact was about 1 week ago (when I told her that I don’t want justfriendship) and I haven’t heard from her ever since. Everyonekeeps telling me that she’s either back with her ex or that she’s just used meas a bounce-back and that I should move on (i.e. I have no chance in hell ofgetting her back). Thatsaid, apparently I’ve really fallen for this one because I refuse to just giveher up at this point. I believe that we had something going and that she’s notjust letting me down “easy” by telling me that she’s too scared to go to thenext level with me. I’m really giving her the benefit of the doubt. So– here are my questions: 1. Do you think that shejust used me as a bounce-back or do you agree with me that there is somethingthere? 2. If there is somethingthere – how do I go about getting her back? a. I assume she won’tmake the first move I’mstill a relationship newbie, so Thanks for the assist! PS: please be brutally honest - if something like this has happened to any of you and if you're sure that she just used me as a n ego booster, let me know. I may not like to hear that but I'd definitely appreciate the insight before I go out there to try to fix something that was only in my imagination to start with. Link to post Share on other sites
H3Drvr Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 If her ex dumped her, she's most likely trying to see if they have a chance to get back together. We're you a rebound? Most likely...due to the time frame. My best advice, let her go, really let her go, and be on limited (or no) contact meaning let her message/call you only; dont initiate. You can respond but keep it short and brief...as hard as it may be. You need to give her a chance to really resolve things with her ex. It could mean that they'll get back together and you'll just have to let go fully. Which is sorta good since then you won't have to deal with her breaking it off with you later on when you've invested much more then you have now. Or she could be back with her ex, she realizes why it didn't work in the first place and maybe see you as a suitable replacement. Or she could just not choose either of you. In all three scenarios, your best bet is to move on for now and not try to pull/fight for her; search "push pull theory" here on this board. There's no need to pine over her since you two really weren't in a relationship. And if you are as good a "catch" as you say, I wouldn't worry so much about one girl if you can have your pick of the litter. You want want someone that isn't wishy washy about how they feel about you, especially if you are looking to them as a potential "serious" GF. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MN85 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 Thanks for the color, man! Oddly enough, I dont find myself really pining for her - I just get this odd, annoying feeling in my chest from time to time - I attribute it more to the fact that I hate rejection (though I did like this one...). Well, we've been no contact for over a week now with her not responding to my last message, which has me thinking that she's going back to the ex. Regardless, so you're saying I should just keep my mouth shut & go date other girls while she gets her crap sorted out? And if she never pings me again, just let it go? No chance whatsoever to turn this around? I've already lined up 2 dates this coming weekend and I'm on date #3 with yet another girl, so life doesn't suck per se - for some reason though, I'd really like to understand WTH happened and how this woman could turn from hot to cold in no time... PS: If she's just keeping me in mind in case her "get-back-the-ex" plan fails, would it even make any sense to engage at all, even if she calls? To be honest, I'm sorely disappointed in myself for ****ing myself up with this one - I mean, that ex boyfriend thing should've made me bail right away but for some reason I actually let myself fall for her. Guess I like damsels in distress...? Link to post Share on other sites
H3Drvr Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Lol...I'm the same way, always wanting to fix "broken" girls. I would say go live your life as normal and just forget her. If she comes back, you can have that "talk" with her at that time. If and when that happens, you should make sure that the ex is completely out of the picture before you even consider starting up with her again. In other words, she's gotta be the one chasing you hard. Who knows, if/when she comes back, you might have already found someone new/better... As for a week of NC, that's nothing man, consider that a very small blip on a extremely gigantic radar. Link to post Share on other sites
SharkTooth Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Yeah, the rejection part I can relate to. That's what kills you first. I did the same thing with my ex. We talked about not falling in love and just having no strings crazy fun together. We did just that but I think it's why we fell in love. No pressure, no guard up, the whole thing. But my ex didn't have ex. My BU is another story. So I would be that guy you are and move on. You got everything else going your way so give this thing some time. Hell, don't even think about time, just let it go by naturally. She has to do all the leg work and break up or get closure from her ex. Let her do that and leave her alone. She'll come around. Live like she's not going to come back in love with you. You'll have to do that all over again, but when she does make it back, you will have the decision of whether you choose to go there or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MN85 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 @ H3Drvr - good to know I'm not the only moron who falls for broken girls... As for 1 week NC being nothing - how long does NC usually last? I dont have any serious relationships to compare this to, so I'm at a loss... Also, I guess I'm stupidly still holding my breath a bit for this girl to ping me while I'm dating others - given that we had about 2.5 months together, at what point should I just force myself to write her off for good - 2 weeks NC? 3 weeks? @ SharkTooth - totally agree to the no pressure/no guard thing - actually I didnt realize how much I apparently care for this girl until I walked out on her...or maybe I was just annoyed that she did nothing to stop me and just said that I was "fantastic" and that she's too scared to "get hurt again".... So here's another thing - her ex lives in Boston I think and she's going up there this weekend to check out schools there (Harvard, BU...etc.) because she's thinking of applying for grad school - or so she told me. I guess its logical to assume that they'll meet up there and just as logical to assume that they're back together if she remains silent next week after she comes back? man, man, man... 27 years old and I still cant fully let go of this PS: appreciate the responses guys Link to post Share on other sites
H3Drvr Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 You go NC for as long as it takes for you to move on; hopefully you move on quick because the more you prolong it, the worse you will feel. Don't believe me? just read some of the posts on here where people are still sad 6 months+++ down the line. Search for NC guide here on the breakup forum. According to the NC "bible", you don't do it to get her back. You do it to get her out of your system and to remove the romantic feelings; don't worry about losing the romantic feelings because if they really are true, it will come back should she contact you again...don't count on it though. It's tough to let go of those feelings because she made you feel special. Even though its over, sounds like you still have her on a pedestal. She is the object of your affection...but she doesn't see you the same way anymore. When that happens, it's time to cut bait. You have to truly let her go and not even think about that .0001% that she may contact you back. Write her off 100%. What's been working for me is dating other girls. It's an ego booster as bad as it may sound. What even sounds worse is that sometimes I practice the "when in doubt fcvk it out" method of getting over someone. It's not for everyone, but hey it works for me. You just have to figure out what works for you. And ladies of this forum: rest assured, I don't lead these girls on and I don't make promises to them I don't intend to keep. Link to post Share on other sites
pandora_be Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 And ladies of this forum: rest assured, I don't lead these girls on and I don't make promises to them I don't intend to keep. Yeah I guess if it was a sensation for both, you're break even Link to post Share on other sites
fungusamungus Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) @ H3Drvr - good to know I'm not the only moron who falls for broken girls... As for 1 week NC being nothing - how long does NC usually last? I dont have any serious relationships to compare this to, so I'm at a loss... Also, I guess I'm stupidly still holding my breath a bit for this girl to ping me while I'm dating others - given that we had about 2.5 months together, at what point should I just force myself to write her off for good - 2 weeks NC? 3 weeks?I wouldn't call her "broken". She's just emotionally unavailable. It's one of those crappy situations, you were there when she needed a boyfriend surrogate and she probably liked you but wasn't fully ready to move on. I think that you might have read a little bit too much into her actions about how serious she wanted to take things. In my experience, things are always considered very casual until you take the next step emotionally (such as talking about exclusivity and actually dating) because until then, there is no tangible commitment involved and it's a very unclear gray area that is easy to misinterpret. I remember when I mistook things like you did with a girl when I was in college. I was young, I hadn't really ever seriously dated anyone yet at that point. We hung out everyday (if not almost everyday), she stayed at my house 1-2 nights a week and I spent the night at her house maybe 1-2 nights a week, we'd routinely skip entire days of classes to stay in bed and have sex all day, and because of all the time that we spent together, it was easily misread as something more than a casual fling and I got burned.. BADLY on that one. Ever since then, I have never considered a relationship with a girl as anything more than casual until there is a clear emotional commitment that is made such that both parties are very aware of it. Edited February 22, 2013 by fungusamungus Link to post Share on other sites
Author MN85 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 @ fungusamungus - makes pretty good sense to me We had talked about this not being serious but over time the line blurred a little bit - she was hesitant to open up and openly said so but she did do it slowly anyway + she openly said that we're dating a few weeks in. Guess the only reason why I pushed her on this is because I felt that I was getting attached and wanted to bring things into the clear (i.e. is this just a fling or more serious). The alternative would've been to go in blind and risk getting burned really badly if she decided to split & go back to the ex. So I guess, I got out of it in time with a blue eye, hugh? At this point, I'm pretty much ok with how things turned out but I would like to make sense of this entire thing to avoid getting burned in the future (as good as possible anyway). Honestly, the dating/****ing around thing isnt doing it for me anymore and after healing from my only bad burn about 4 years ago, I'd like to find something more in a girl than just sex and casual friendship. So - to sum up all of you guys' comments (thanks for input btw): - 80%+ chance that it was just a rebound and that she had no feelings for me at all - 99% chance that I won't ever hear from her again - 100% recommendation to drop this and move on Does this sound about right? PS: on a side note for the more experienced daters out there - how could I have handled the situation in way that would've had the 2 of us end up together? I basically took the "self-preservation" approach and walked out on drama but I feel like there could've been another way... Link to post Share on other sites
pandora_be Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Guess the only reason why I pushed her on this is because I felt that I was getting attached and wanted to bring things into the clear (i.e. is this just a fling or more serious). The alternative would've been to go in blind and risk getting burned really badly if she decided to split & go back to the ex. mb you need to be burned really badly to be able to let go? in that case it is def well worth the risk there is no other way, but exes have usually a strong connection, no matter what. I would not like be the second 'new' guy in such a situation that may be used to put more pressure on the ex (if the girl is the dumper) or to make the girl feel better if she got dumped. It is way to risky. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MN85 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 @ pandora_be - ha, touche... at this point I have let go tho (as in NC at all and I'm not even having trouble maintaining it). The whole thing just still boggles my mind...maybe its just my oh-so-precious pride that is hurting a little (at least that's what my sister keeps telling me). In any case - I agree with you completely - hence, I did what I did. The girl wasnt the dumper - she had a long-distance thing going with her ex for 2.5 years (which I find extremely idiotic but thats just what first love can do to you...) and the dude broke up with her over skype without giving her a reason. She the got wasted 1 night, cried, met me, hung out with me, liked me, tried to hate her ex & move on with me, got contacted by her ex again, couldn't hate him anymore and started to seek "closure"... or so the story goes So yeah - when it comes down to it, guess she just needed an ego booster and all of the "I'm too scared to go further b/c I'm scared of being hurt again" is just one of those lame ways of letting someone down softly.... (not like I haven't done this before) Ah well - I'll let it go then - annoying that I can still be this dumb at 27 Link to post Share on other sites
pandora_be Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 @ pandora_be - ha, touche... at this point I have let go tho (as in NC at all and I'm not even having trouble maintaining it). The whole thing just still boggles my mind...maybe its just my oh-so-precious pride that is hurting a little (at least that's what my sister keeps telling me). In any case - I agree with you completely - hence, I did what I did. The girl wasnt the dumper - she had a long-distance thing going with her ex for 2.5 years (which I find extremely idiotic but thats just what first love can do to you...) and the dude broke up with her over skype without giving her a reason. She the got wasted 1 night, cried, met me, hung out with me, liked me, tried to hate her ex & move on with me, got contacted by her ex again, couldn't hate him anymore and started to seek "closure"... or so the story goes So yeah - when it comes down to it, guess she just needed an ego booster and all of the "I'm too scared to go further b/c I'm scared of being hurt again" is just one of those lame ways of letting someone down softly.... (not like I haven't done this before) Ah well - I'll let it go then - annoying that I can still be this dumb at 27 The game between exes is always on (even in NC), especially if they are both single. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MN85 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 Fair point K, I get it, its over & I'll let go appreciate the responses/opinions guys Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I don't think it works to hold someone at arm's length with your emotions, and basically make them a FWB, and then expect them to choose you over a romantic relationship. She was in love with her ex boyfriend. Probably still is. A guy that is a FWB that keeps the relationship at arm's length is not going to be able to compete with someone who gave her a real relationship. She realizes now that she wants more, and the FWB arrangement is not enough for her anymore. Maybe you are at the point where you want your relationship to be more, but you've already cheapened it by keeping it a FWB for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MN85 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 @ Kathy - I disagree. After all, I made the first step & asked where we are + said I wanted more. She backed away after that and then I left. Didn't keep her at arm's length at all - in fact, I opened up much more & earlier. The only thing I didnt do is I didnt chase her & I didnt go all love-mad to blow up her phone with texts/calls... Not sure what made u say what u did but I thought my post was pretty clear - I gave her at least as much affection as she gave me Link to post Share on other sites
fungusamungus Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) I don't think it works to hold someone at arm's length with your emotions, and basically make them a FWB, and then expect them to choose you over a romantic relationship. She was in love with her ex boyfriend. Probably still is. A guy that is a FWB that keeps the relationship at arm's length is not going to be able to compete with someone who gave her a real relationship. She realizes now that she wants more, and the FWB arrangement is not enough for her anymore. Maybe you are at the point where you want your relationship to be more, but you've already cheapened it by keeping it a FWB for so long.Not all women are looking for commitment. If she is still in love with her ex (which she is), then she's most likely emotionally unavailable for anything more than a casual, FWB type of relationship. The OP did nothing wrong and I don't think he was keeping anyone "at arm's length". I have met A LOT of girls like this, I'm 28 and currently on my 2nd career, and one that commit-o-phobic, self-driven and self-oriented women just seem to flock to. Actually, my first career (if one could call 3 years of law school a "career") was like that too. Edited February 22, 2013 by fungusamungus Link to post Share on other sites
Author MN85 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 @ fungusamungus - appreciate the support man! So what happend with those "girls like this"? Did you ditch them after a while or vice versa? And did any of them ever come back to you with serious intentions? I assume no but hell, why not ask... Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 @ Kathy - I disagree. After all, I made the first step & asked where we are + said I wanted more. She backed away after that and then I left. Didn't keep her at arm's length at all - in fact, I opened up much more & earlier. The only thing I didnt do is I didnt chase her & I didnt go all love-mad to blow up her phone with texts/calls... Not sure what made u say what u did but I thought my post was pretty clear - I gave her at least as much affection as she gave me You both treated each other like a FWB from the start. Eventually, you decided you may want more, but what I am saying is that your relationship started off on the wrong foot to begin with. An arm's length relationship. Not a passionate one. The arm's length relationship is not going to be able to compete for her emotions like a romantic, passionate relationship will. You should have chased her, should have woed her, should have made her fall in love with you from the start. Women want to be pursued. What you did was too little, too late. You never really put yourself in the running, because the relationship was at arm's length. You should have pursued. Now it's too late. Women want someone who is passionately into them. They want an intense emotional attachment. If they don't have that, you are considered expendable. When you allowed it to be an arm's length relationship and took it too slow, it fizzled out and lost to the passionate relationship she had and felt for her ex. Sorry. Lessen learned: If you want a full blown passionate and loving relationship with someone, you need to have that vibe from the start. Having a casual, arm's length, FWB relationship is not going to compete with someone who will capture her emotions from the start. I realize she was also emotionally guarded at first, and maybe not over her ex, but you should have taken a more active approach in pursuing her from the start, and built up the momentum. You were too laid back. Took it too slow. Someone that pursued a romantic, passionate relationship from the start would have made her get over her ex pretty fast. Now it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MN85 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 @ KathyM - still don't agree. Maybe I didn't properly communicate how I behaved in my initial post but I was basically what you'd call a white night. Considerate, overly nice, very polite, charming and I took things by the book: date 2 hug, date 3 goodbye kiss, date 4 a little more kissing... that kind of thing. I also introduced her to one of my friends (senior guy at the IFC) so she could get a foot in the door with them in case her new contract wasn't renewed. I brought her a nice gift for Christmas from Europe... and so on. In short, I think I was pretty damn nice and I woed her quite enough (prince charming-style anyone)? What I honestly think happened is that she was really falling for me until her ex pinged her again over Skype. Not sure what they talked about but when it came down to me or him, he won out (or at least her hopes of being with him again). Or she was just not ready for another relationship. Either one. But srsly - I definitely did not behave like we were just **** buddies - I opened up and shared persona lstuff w. her...etc. Not sure why you have the impression you have but its simply wrong In any case - I do agree with you that it is over now. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 @ KathyM - still don't agree. Maybe I didn't properly communicate how I behaved in my initial post but I was basically what you'd call a white night. Considerate, overly nice, very polite, charming and I took things by the book: date 2 hug, date 3 goodbye kiss, date 4 a little more kissing... that kind of thing. I also introduced her to one of my friends (senior guy at the IFC) so she could get a foot in the door with them in case her new contract wasn't renewed. I brought her a nice gift for Christmas from Europe... and so on. In short, I think I was pretty damn nice and I woed her quite enough (prince charming-style anyone)? What I honestly think happened is that she was really falling for me until her ex pinged her again over Skype. Not sure what they talked about but when it came down to me or him, he won out (or at least her hopes of being with him again). Or she was just not ready for another relationship. Either one. But srsly - I definitely did not behave like we were just **** buddies - I opened up and shared persona lstuff w. her...etc. Not sure why you have the impression you have but its simply wrong In any case - I do agree with you that it is over now. Well, you said you didn't chase her. Sounds to me like you took it too slow, but that's my perception based on what you wrote. Link to post Share on other sites
fungusamungus Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) You both treated each other like a FWB from the start. Eventually, you decided you may want more, but what I am saying is that your relationship started off on the wrong foot to begin with. An arm's length relationship. Not a passionate one. The arm's length relationship is not going to be able to compete for her emotions like a romantic, passionate relationship will. You should have chased her, should have woed her, should have made her fall in love with you from the start. Women want to be pursued. What you did was too little, too late. You never really put yourself in the running, because the relationship was at arm's length. You should have pursued. Now it's too late. Women want someone who is passionately into them. They want an intense emotional attachment. If they don't have that, you are considered expendable. When you allowed it to be an arm's length relationship and took it too slow, it fizzled out and lost to the passionate relationship she had and felt for her ex. Sorry. Lessen learned: If you want a full blown passionate and loving relationship with someone, you need to have that vibe from the start. Having a casual, arm's length, FWB relationship is not going to compete with someone who will capture her emotions from the start. I realize she was also emotionally guarded at first, and maybe not over her ex, but you should have taken a more active approach in pursuing her from the start, and built up the momentum. You were too laid back. Took it too slow. Someone that pursued a romantic, passionate relationship from the start would have made her get over her ex pretty fast. Now it's too late.Nope, absolutely not. Someone who is in love with their ex does not simply just "fall in love" with someone else from the start. They simply are not emotionally available to. This applies to both women and men. And yes, Women want someone who is passionately into them... when they are passionately into the other person. Otherwise, they feel smothered, pressured and uncomfortable because they have to meet expectations and feel obligated to the other person. Commit-a-phobic women and emotionally unavailable women move slow and simply WILL NOT let you get closer than arms length from the very start, regardless of how much they like you and regardless of what you do. You say something like... "you should have made her fall in love with you in the first place", but I'll ask you this. How exactly do you propose someone does that when the other person is not ready to let themselves fall for someone else in the first place? Women want an intense emotional attachment... sure... when they are actually available to having an intense emotional attachment. You act like every girl is looking for something serious, and every girl wants a serious, committed boyfriend that worships them, when in reality, that's not true. Believe me, I know PLENTY who aren't. @ fungusamungus - appreciate the support man! So what happend with those "girls like this"? Did you ditch them after a while or vice versa? And did any of them ever come back to you with serious intentions? I assume no but hell, why not ask...Yes. There was a girl that I met a few years ago that I was absolutely enamored with but who was coming off a pretty rough breakup and was... well... emotionally unavailable. I chased after her pretty hard and got repeatedly turned down because she wasn't ready to move on yet. I stuck around because I knew she liked me, and eventually we started sleeping together and this lasted for maybe 2-3 months and then she broke up with me because she didn't feel like she was emotionally ready to be in a relationship which was what I wanted at the time. We were broken up for a few months, moved on with our lives and then met for coffee, became friends again, started hooking up again, I didn't push matters the second time around and I didn't try to rush things or make things too serious, too fast, I let things unfold naturally and we ended up dating for 2 years (which for someone like me, is pretty damn good). We broke up because we were going to be in different places after we finished school and we were committed to our careers first and felt like we were too young to completely restructure our lives around each other. We were both 25 at the time. Being with women like this can be very frustrating and is difficult if you're the type of guy who falls in love too fast and too easily because you have to be able to match their level of commitment or risk scaring them off. Edited February 23, 2013 by fungusamungus Link to post Share on other sites
Author MN85 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 @ Kathy - no problem - I appreciate the different point of view but I reallu just dont think that chasing her would've made it any better - she clearly was not receptive at all and right before I left she just said that she is "too scared to get hurt again" - she didnt do anything else that would've indicated that I had even a slight prayer of a chance - no hug, no "dont go", not even a kind word - she was just standing there looking kinda terrified... So I backed off and gave her her space... @ fungusamungus - I'm usually not the type who falls for girls but I guess this one was an exception. Appreciate you sharing your past experience. When the 2 of you met for a coffee a few months after your first breakup, who initiated contact first? And did you remain in NC mode for the entire time between the breakup and the coffee chat? I guess part of me still likes her and gives her the benefit of the doubt (i.e. that she didnt just use me and that she indeed is just too scared at the moment) but at the same time I really do not feel like chasing her in any way anymore - that is unless I get some sort of sign from her first Link to post Share on other sites
fungusamungus Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) @ fungusamungus - I'm usually not the type who falls for girls but I guess this one was an exception. Appreciate you sharing your past experience. When the 2 of you met for a coffee a few months after your first breakup, who initiated contact first? And did you remain in NC mode for the entire time between the breakup and the coffee chat?She did. She really wanted to stay friends when we broke up the first time because we got along so well, but we were just unable to be on the same page as far as dating each other went. I basically told her that I just needed some time to deal with things and we didn't talk for maybe a month or two. She was the first one to reach out, at first with reasons for doing so... "I have some of your stuff... do you want this back..." etc. I was a little slow to be receptive, but eventually she definitely made it clear that she was trying to make an effort for us to at least have an open line of communication if need be and I appreciated that because she was a really stubborn person and I know that it was difficult for her to do so. Again, I was REALLY slow to be receptive for a while because I was still trying to get over things, but communication between us steadily got more comfortable to the point where we actually started talking over instant messager and texts pretty regularly and having friendly conversation again. We'd run into each other in person and start chatting, and things were no longer awkward and we slowly became friends again. By that point, several months had gone by, we were both past the nastiness of the breakup and eventually one day, we met up to take care of a matter, and once the door was open for us to actually be around each other face to face and we just started hanging out (albeit sparingly) and whilst I had no intention at that point of getting back with her (I was actually seeing a different girl at the time, non-exclusively very casual, just for fun kind of thing), it kind of just happened. Edited February 23, 2013 by fungusamungus Link to post Share on other sites
Author MN85 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Share Posted February 24, 2013 @ fungusamungus - gotcha. Well, I'm already moving on right now. Just had a nice 1st date with another girl that went pretty well and I have another one lined up for tomorrow. No remaining "feelings" for this other girl anymore. Guess it wasn't meant to be and I just needed a couple of days to flush it out of my system. Interesting how quickly feelings can change - I did avoid relationships for this long for a reason - they have a high potential to mess with your head... Link to post Share on other sites
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