Be careful what you wish for....

[fooled2manyX]

Well, I got it. Sort of.

 

I had posted about wanting my dad's watch back from xMM. Today, I found a gift bag hanging on my doorknob. It has my name written on the front & back. Inside, was the watch.

 

I thought this would make me feel good. Well, I mean it does to have it back and that he took the time to return it. I truly thought if he did send it back, he would mail it. But instead, I was hurt that he actually, physically came here in person to leave it.

 

But, I missed him. And there was no note with it.

 

It was what I wanted, yes. Yet with it, comes upset that there wasn't more. I know, I know. I wanted it back and I got it.

 

But my heart aches still... and now, I'm not even sure if I feel better or worse having him bring it in person, when he had my address to mail it.

[wisernow]

Maybe it was his wife that dropped it off.

 

You said all you wanted was the watch back, though I think more than a few questioned that being the real motive. And by your reaction, I think they were correct. Instead of being happy and thankful that you got this heirloom back, you're disappointed that you missed seeing the Xmm or that he didn't t leave a note.

 

I hope you can get on with your life and focus on you.

[veryhappy]

I'm so happy you got the watch back.

 

It could have been someone else doing the drop off. Honestly, I'd prefer that to mailing an item that could get damaged.

 

Hard to do, but you'll need to let go of the rest. It's over and there's nothing you can do about it. Do not write to thank him, do not do anything to contact him. He already knows how much it means to you.

[fooled2manyX]

Yes, you are right. I come to find out I thought it was just that I wanted it back and yet, I feel bad it showed up here without more. Without seeing him, or a note being left.

[chaser0195]

Be glad that there wasn't more. It would only set you back and delay the inevitable........Bigger heart breaks and disappointment.

[stevie_23]

The fact he came in person to drop it off may just have been because he was in the area so found it easier than mailing it…or maybe because he knew it was important to you he didn’t want to risk mailing it in case something happened to it.

 

Do you think he came in person so he could talk to you? See you? He may have, but I don’t know. And even if he did, what would that mean? Nothing would change in your situation, you know? He may miss you. He may miss what you had, the same as you do. But it still doesn’t change how things are now, right?

 

What would he say in a note if he did leave one? What could possibly be said in a note that would even begin to properly explain how he feels about everything? It’d be too hard, so he didn’t leave one. Anything he said on a note wouldn’t have been adequate and wouldn’t have felt “enough”, don’t you think? It’d have left you maybe feeling worse than you already do.

[fooled2manyX]

It was his writing on the bag. I don't believe she brought it. It wouldn't make much sense. Around the time he must have brought it, I had dozed off. But, I still know I would have heard a knock at the door, had there been one.

 

I guess had there had been just two words with it "I'm sorry", I would have felt better. To know that he is. But, there was nothing.

 

What would he have done had I been out there when he showed up?? I don't know.

[stevie_23]

But he may NOT be sorry. I don’t think they feel the same way we do. My ex-MM left me suddenly with no warning and no words. I had no idea. I can’t believe he could be capable of that, but to him, although I know he wouldn’t ideally choose to do that to me, he doesn’t think of it the same way I do. He doesn’t see it as a ridiculously horrible thing to do to someone you’re supposed to love.

 

And he MAY be sorry, but…he may feel that writing that is opening a whole big can of worms that just can’t be sorted out and there’s no point even trying, because it’s too hard and impossible, you know? So he said nothing…

 

Maybe he made sure you weren't visible when he showed up, and just quickly left the watch there and left. I don't know.

 

I find it unhelpful to try and analyse every action of a man. They do think differently to us most of the time. Even my ex-MM, who shared a LOT of my attitudes and opinions and feelings about things.

[ThatJustHappened]

Well, I got it. Sort of.

 

I had posted about wanting my dad's watch back from xMM. Today, I found a gift bag hanging on my doorknob. It has my name written on the front & back. Inside, was the watch.

 

I thought this would make me feel good. Well, I mean it does to have it back and that he took the time to return it. I truly thought if he did send it back, he would mail it. But instead, I was hurt that he actually, physically came here in person to leave it.

 

But, I missed him. And there was no note with it.

 

It was what I wanted, yes. Yet with it, comes upset that there wasn't more. I know, I know. I wanted it back and I got it.

 

But my heart aches still... and now, I'm not even sure if I feel better or worse having him bring it in person, when he had my address to mail it.

 

Maybe he was worried it would break if he mailed it. I wouldn't read too much into it.

[Catplates]

Try not to over think this.

 

It's great that you got the watch back, although my guess would be that you really wanted more. You write as though you are disappointed.

 

Perhaps he thought the watch would break in the mail ?

 

Really, you cannot spend your time speculating about what it all means, because you will never know.

 

Cat.

[waterwoman]

Glad you got it back x

[veryhappy]

I was thinking of your story today. Can I suggest outloud conversations with the ghost of exMM? Most suggest writing things down, but I'm not really into that. It's much more effective if( when you are alone, like in your car) you imagine a conversation with him and say all you have to say. After going through that enough times, you may find it helps. There's something about saying those things out loud, just like therapy, but it's free.

 

It will hurt, and you can't avoid it. It's the way it plays out. The evil other woman loses. Classic fairytale.

[HonestNeurotic]

maybe he had someone else leave it for him. At least you got it back. Since there was no note, well, you have to know he had a chance if he had wanted to apologize.

 

I am so sorry you lost your friend. I remember he wasn't just the MM. This may sound cold of me - but it's easier to replace a lover than a friend. Friends never feel compelled to lie to me, or break up with me, like lovers have.

 

Time will help you to heal. I am glad he was thoughtful enough to return your heirloom.

[whichwayisup]

Well, I got it. Sort of.

 

I had posted about wanting my dad's watch back from xMM. Today, I found a gift bag hanging on my doorknob. It has my name written on the front & back. Inside, was the watch.

 

I thought this would make me feel good. Well, I mean it does to have it back and that he took the time to return it. I truly thought if he did send it back, he would mail it. But instead, I was hurt that he actually, physically came here in person to leave it.

 

But, I missed him. And there was no note with it.

 

It was what I wanted, yes. Yet with it, comes upset that there wasn't more. I know, I know. I wanted it back and I got it.

 

But my heart aches still... and now, I'm not even sure if I feel better or worse having him bring it in person, when he had my address to mail it.

 

This just shows all this had nothing to do about the watch and all about him not ending things properly with you, having a goodbye and helping you get closure.

 

You don't know if HE dropped it off or if someone else did. Don't assume anything.. Remember, you got a friend too, to contact him and offer to go pick up the watch...

 

Anyway, I think deep down you were secretly hoping he'll come to you, talk to you and/or leave a note. He didn't and it hurts. this is a big reality check again for you to see that he IS moving on and needs/wants you to move on and leave him alone forever. It hurts, but you gotta do it and allow yourself to grieve this loss. Accept things and make peace with it all so you can move on with your life.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, you are right. I come to find out I thought it was just that I wanted it back and yet, I feel bad it showed up here without more. Without seeing him, or a note being left.

 

You were hoping and expecting..And now you're hurting. it sucks, but this is how things are. He gave the watch back, cared enough to do just that - But now it's time to let go of him forever fooled2. I hope you can do that. Actually, you have no choice but to do so..

 

It was his writing on the bag. I don't believe she brought it. It wouldn't make much sense. Around the time he must have brought it, I had dozed off. But, I still know I would have heard a knock at the door, had there been one.

 

I guess had there had been just two words with it "I'm sorry", I would have felt better. To know that he is. But, there was nothing.

 

What would he have done had I been out there when he showed up?? I don't know.

 

No more what if's, hopes/expectations. It is what it is. I hope my words aren't harsh, they aren't meant to be.

 

Call some friends, go out or have them over for a nice dinner. Surround yourself with positive people for a while and keep really busy, so you can wear yourself out and sleep at night.

[Summer Breeze]

One day you will pull that watch out of the jewellery box you store it in and the primary focus will be that you have the watch. You may remember a little bit about the circumstances around getting it back. You may roll your eyes and smile an embarrassed smile when you think of what you wrote in here and what you secretly wanted. You may hear a new partner yelling up the stairs that your coffee's ready and ask what you want for breakfast.

 

Life goes on. We all knew you wanted some contact from him because most people have felt that in some sort of breakup -- not just the end of an A. I always wanted you to get the watch back because one day that is what you will want. Not him, the watch. There will be loads of tears and pain til that day arrives but it will arrive.

 

Take care

[fooled2manyX]

Ughh. Someone wrote he had his chance to apologize. Exactly. So wtf? This makes me feel blamed. Like he blames me. He cheated, how could blame me?? But it sure feels that way.

 

Furthermore, if this was him sticking to conditions "not to talk to me"... again, he was here, he brought the item in a bag. How hard would it have been to write on the inside of the bag "im sorry". When he knows I have wanted/needed that.

 

I may not be the one he is married to, but he f**** me up too. He entered my life with these words, actions, ideas, plans, dreams.... That his pastor friend would marry us one day. Really.

 

All that and he couldnt muster up "sorry none of that will happen. sorry i said it."

 

Frankly, he can go respect his wife and reconcile and be wonderful to her, as he should. But still in all... I deserved one freakin sentance. One friggin parting statement.

[Summer Breeze]

Ughh. Someone wrote he had his chance to apologize. Exactly. So wtf? This makes me feel blamed. Like he blames me. He cheated, how could blame me?? But it sure feels that way.

 

Furthermore, if this was him sticking to conditions "not to talk to me"... again, he was here, he brought the item in a bag. How hard would it have been to write on the inside of the bag "im sorry". When he knows I have wanted/needed that.

 

I may not be the one he is married to, but he f**** me up too. He entered my life with these words, actions, ideas, plans, dreams.... That his pastor friend would marry us one day. Really.

 

All that and he couldnt muster up "sorry none of that will happen. sorry i said it."

 

Frankly, he can go respect his wife and reconcile and be wonderful to her, as he should. But still in all... I deserved one freakin sentance. One friggin parting statement.

 

You did deserve something. I totally agree with you but the moment has passed by now.

 

If I were you I'd hang on to the anger you're feeling. You're ticked off at him and you should be. Feel it. Embrace it. He was willing to let you beg to get the watch back and when he finally returned it he did it with no final comforting words. You needed them and he didn't give them. Be pi##ed off at him. Go for it because that anger will be part of your healing.

 

Keep one thing in mind. He cared enough to return something that meant a lot to you. He could easily have thrown it away or kept it. It might be that his W was aware of you asking for it and she's the one who said the time had come to return it but you do it this way. You got it back.

 

I'm so sorry. There isn't a thing any of us can say to make this better.

[spice4life]

Ughh. Someone wrote he had his chance to apologize. Exactly. So wtf? This makes me feel blamed. Like he blames me. He cheated, how could blame me?? But it sure feels that way.

 

Furthermore, if this was him sticking to conditions "not to talk to me"... again, he was here, he brought the item in a bag. How hard would it have been to write on the inside of the bag "im sorry". When he knows I have wanted/needed that.

 

I may not be the one he is married to, but he f**** me up too. He entered my life with these words, actions, ideas, plans, dreams.... That his pastor friend would marry us one day. Really.

 

All that and he couldnt muster up "sorry none of that will happen. sorry i said it."

 

Frankly, he can go respect his wife and reconcile and be wonderful to her, as he should. But still in all... I deserved one freakin sentance. One friggin parting statement.

 

Well, now you know his true character...he took the cowardly way out instead of telling you it was over and he was refocusing on his marriage. I agree, that's all he needed to say, but he didn't. The only thing you can do now is accept that he made his choice and focus on your life. As hard as it may seem, you have to start climbing out of this darkness one step at a time. You have no control over how he is handling this, but you do have control over your own choices. You can choose to let this beat you up or you can choose to start getting your life back and NOT let it beat you up. Mourn the loss, cry your eyes out, be angry...that's all normal, but start taking steps toward getting your power back.

 

I'm happy that he gave your father's watch back. At least you have that right?

[ThatJustHappened]

Ughh. Someone wrote he had his chance to apologize. Exactly. So wtf? This makes me feel blamed. Like he blames me. He cheated, how could blame me?? But it sure feels that way.

 

Furthermore, if this was him sticking to conditions "not to talk to me"... again, he was here, he brought the item in a bag. How hard would it have been to write on the inside of the bag "im sorry". When he knows I have wanted/needed that.

 

I may not be the one he is married to, but he f**** me up too. He entered my life with these words, actions, ideas, plans, dreams.... That his pastor friend would marry us one day. Really.

 

All that and he couldnt muster up "sorry none of that will happen. sorry i said it."

 

Frankly, he can go respect his wife and reconcile and be wonderful to her, as he should. But still in all... I deserved one freakin sentance. One friggin parting statement.

 

I think you're reading WAY too much into him dropping the watch off at your house instead of mailing it. Honestly, you probably would have reacted this way regardless of his methods of getting it to you. If he'd mailed it to you without a note or anything, you'd be just as upset as you are now.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm sorry he did this to you, but to be blunt, he made his choice and he's sticking to it the right way. He chose his wife, who probably told him to end all contact with you, and even though it's late in the game, he clearly wants to be loyal to his choice. He feels like he owes her more than he owes you, so unless he strays again and comes sniffing around for sex or an ego boost, I doubt you'll get what you want. You might as well try to let it go.

 

Closure is overrated anyway. It wouldn't make you feel any better about all the lies he told you and promises he broke. Trust me.

[nikkinik]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I figure that if the guy has been silent since DDay, he is much more concerned with repairing his marriage, helping to heal his wife from his cheating, and sticking to no contact than concerned about giving you an apology. Maybe that's why he has not said anything to you, because he has more important issues to deal with than saying sorry. And if he did say sorry, what would that help you with? Clearly him sending you exactly what you wanted didn't help, so how much more would a simple "I'm sorry" do?

[fooled2manyX]

Nikkinik, with all due respect.. I clearly see that it is more important to him to repair his marriage than to say he is sorry to me. By his silence.

 

However, saying he was sorry at some point and going on his way, would not have interfered with repairing his marriage.

 

I take responsibility for involving myself with him before he got a divorce, but again this was not someone who said "I'm not leaving". It was not just about sex. we had not just met out of the blue. He told me he was going to be divorcing her, then have us marry one day. Have us have a child one day.

 

So, I don't mean to sound snip and uncaring about how this hurt his spouse. I don't. I know it hurt her. I am sorry. But too bad for him. He affected me too. So, it's wonderful he is now putting effort into his marriage. It's wonderful she is NOW the woman he wants to be married to. He was telling me it was me.

 

Understand, I only know the pain I am in. The pain he left me in, without so much as a "goodbye. have a nice life." He left me here WAITING on his return. I did for weeks. Before I figured out he wouldn't be back. So, I don't particularly care what he is now concerning himself with. Sound wrong? Maybe it is. He has a family. I guess he should have thought about that before he told me over and over he was leaving his marriage.

 

Often, I read about how people say that the wayward person is now doing all things right. That's great... it is. Should have been like that in the first place. Apparently, for someone to look outside the marriage, something was not right to begin with.

 

But the spouse is not the only person the wayward sh**s on in the process. I am not saying I feel I deserved more, or anything. That's not. I have posted many many times, I can not begrudge him what he chose to do. They have children. I get it. But he was so convincing that I, we, us was what he wanted. I even gave him "outs". I would try and talk him out of it, to see if he was really sure. I would ask him over and over "do you want to work on your marriage with her?"" No.

 

So, I don't care what he's concerned with right now. Have to say. Because all I needed to hear... 3 months ago, now, last week, etc was "I'm sorry. Goodbye." That wouldn't interfere with what he's concerning himself with.

 

And frankly, for those who say "he is respecting his wife!" .... I guess he should have thought about that in the first place. When I asked him 20x if he truly did want to end it with her and he told me yes.

 

If someone can figure out how to have an affair for months , years... they can figure out how to say goodbye to the person they lied to.

[Finally Settled]

Nikkinik, with all due respect.. I clearly see that it is more important to him to repair his marriage than to say he is sorry to me. By his silence.

 

However, saying he was sorry at some point and going on his way, would not have interfered with repairing his marriage.

 

I take responsibility for involving myself with him before he got a divorce, but again this was not someone who said "I'm not leaving". It was not just about sex. we had not just met out of the blue. He told me he was going to be divorcing her, then have us marry one day. Have us have a child one day.

 

So, I don't mean to sound snip and uncaring about how this hurt his spouse. I don't. I know it hurt her. I am sorry. But too bad for him. He affected me too. So, it's wonderful he is now putting effort into his marriage. It's wonderful she is NOW the woman he wants to be married to. He was telling me it was me.

 

Understand, I only know the pain I am in. The pain he left me in, without so much as a "goodbye. have a nice life." He left me here WAITING on his return. I did for weeks. Before I figured out he wouldn't be back. So, I don't particularly care what he is now concerning himself with. Sound wrong? Maybe it is. He has a family. I guess he should have thought about that before he told me over and over he was leaving his marriage.

 

Often, I read about how people say that the wayward person is now doing all things right. That's great... it is. Should have been like that in the first place. Apparently, for someone to look outside the marriage, something was not right to begin with.

 

But the spouse is not the only person the wayward sh**s on in the process. I am not saying I feel I deserved more, or anything. That's not. I have posted many many times, I can not begrudge him what he chose to do. They have children. I get it. But he was so convincing that I, we, us was what he wanted. I even gave him "outs". I would try and talk him out of it, to see if he was really sure. I would ask him over and over "do you want to work on your marriage with her?"" No.

 

So, I don't care what he's concerned with right now. Have to say. Because all I needed to hear... 3 months ago, now, last week, etc was "I'm sorry. Goodbye." That wouldn't interfere with what he's concerning himself with.

 

And frankly, for those who say "he is respecting his wife!" .... I guess he should have thought about that in the first place. When I asked him 20x if he truly did want to end it with her and he told me yes.

 

If someone can figure out how to have an affair for months , years... they can figure out how to say goodbye to the person they lied to.

 

For what it's worth, I agree with you.

[fooled2manyX]

thank you Finally Settled. Not trying to be such a b**ch... just I am sooooooooooooooo very tired of hearing how because a man winds up with his tail between his legs because he gets caught and his balls invert, and he "yes's" his wife to death... that means he is now righteous.

 

Some have written here that because a man is now reconciling, that the other woman meant nothing. Or he will say that to the wife. Or marriage counslor. Or that I have been told by these people that "I" meant nothing, because I was an OW. Or that everything he told me at the time was just to get me into bed. Or that he is trying to be the husband he should have been now and "you need to respect that and move on with your life."

 

Please. I mean.... listen, let me break it down.

 

A cheater is a cheater maybe, but there is a lot to be said for someone who says "I have no plans to leave my spouse". THEN.. if the other person continues and doesn't care, shame on them.

 

2) I was the OW for a hot minute. I didn't want to be. He would even write me that HE didn't want me to be. I was only involved with him for a few months because he told me he was leaving his wife. If he wasn't, it wouldn't have been. I was in love with him. We've known eachother for 20 years. This was a "everything changes or we end soon" type of thing. And obviously it ended.

 

3) If a cheater realizes the error of their ways...... that's good. Everyone can have moments where they come out of a fog and say "what am I doing?"

 

BUT.............

 

any scenario that has him, or the spouse sitting around bashing the other person... not reconciliation. That's ridiculous. I have actually seen betrayed wives write things like their husbands were led on. Drawn in. He felt "bad for her"... she tempted him and he was vulnerable. She took advantage of him. She boosted his ego. HE FELL PREY.

 

B**L**T.

 

Stop.

 

And the cheater makes a mess. I have said it before. Unless he was just out with some prostitute or the arrangment was strictly sexual... or he said to the woman from jumpstreet "I will never leave my wife", the cheater still involved himself in the life and emotion of someone else.

 

I may not be owed much of anything knowing he was married and not telling him "I will not see you at all until you are divorced", but I know that ....

 

... no matter what anyone says on here... I was owed a "goodbye" and I know that I can't help being hurt when the man talked about one day, his baby would be growing inside of me.

 

And sadly, (venting) no matter how many people say then he shows you what kind of person he is.... or "he's forgotten about you. you're not important to him anymore. his wife is." that there is no excuse regardless for leaving someone with one bloody sentance.

 

"I'm sorry. I can't be with you. Please don't contact me. Goodbye."

 

Don't you think that just with the lack there OF, that I have had moments (few and far between) where I contact him just to get something like that. Oh yeah, you get to the point where you don't even care if it's Please dont contact me anymore. Because at least it would be something.

 

I don't anymore. I got the watch back. Yes. But....

 

right before some of you write how dare I still contact him when he is trying to reconcile with his wife, think about HOW DARE HE TELL ME HIS PASTOR FRIEND WAS GOING TO MARRY US ONE DAY AND THEN HE WANTED HIS BABY GROWING IN SIDE OF ME.

 

how dare "me" nothing. Bitter? You bet your ass I am. Move on? I have good days and bad. I am hurt all the time. I try. I am sorry for my part. I am trying.

 

But if I come here to vent.... that's what I do. That's what people have done for like 4,000 posts. I think I've left less than ten.

 

His concern should be with his family. He just shouldn't have told me right up until leaving that he was leaving there. And even if it's what he truly thought at the time he was going to do, when he realized otherwise..... he should have informed me of that choice.

 

Whether I am the big bad "other woman" or not. Because I was spending no time with him ok with being the OW. I was there on the premise that he was divorcing and we had this future he was talking about.

 

Sucks to be me. I'm grieving this. And that is MY RIGHT.

 

thanks.

[nikkinik]

He's telling you goodbye through actions. I'm sorry, but he didn't put you through anything you could have said no to. You keep saying he hurt you, but you hurt yourself above all by involving with him. He told you lies, you believed him and now. You were ok with him cheating on his wife to be with you, but now that its over its all wrong. See, i don't get that. I don't think you understand the concept of NC very well, because thats the point. The fact that you're contacting him or trying to and he's not responding should be telling enough. What he's doing now, is what he's doing now and whether you agree with it or not, saying sorry is breaking that contact and will affect his reconciling or whatever. Having him tell you Im sorry wouldn't change anything, clearly. You asked for your watch back, you got it, and your still unsatisfied. If he says Im sorry or goodbye, you'll still be unsatisfied. Right now he's choosing to do whats more important for himself, and even if you don't like that or think your apology is more important, you need to realize it.

Edited February 24, 2013 by nikkinik