I still want to leave, even though he is trying to change

[sweaterweather]

Recently I (32F) decided to divorce my husband (40M); now he’s “turned over a new leaf” and I feel bad because I still want a divorce…

 

A little background: we have 2 children, 3 and 5 years old. 2 year marriage (6 year relationship) has had many difficulties. We have had constant money problems and now live with my parents. We fought a lot over many different things; some issues we have had I think stem from us having differing ideas of what we think defines a relationship. He wants me to stay home and cook and clean and not have any friends outside of our marriage, not socialize, etc (he says married women do not go out). I want to be an individual with goals and dreams and friends, not just be a mom and wife. Also, money issues and his concern over how I run the household, raise the kids have been points of contention, as well as his extreme jealousy and controlling ways.

 

He has a bad temper and an addictive personality. He has been addicted to pain killers, and drinks a lot. He has on occasion hit me, pushed me, threw things at me, as well as been verbally abusive while we were arguing. I have allowed his behavior to continue for a while, but recently have become aware of how unhappy I am and being at my wits end with the constant fighting I decided I didn’t wish to continue the relationship. I held on for a long time because of the kids, and because he would always say he would change whenever I got fed up. Things would always get better for a few days or weeks, then slowly his old ways would creep back up.

 

Our home life until recently has been he gets home from work, gets drunk, eats dinner, passes out. We spent little time together, and when we did, (and he would be drunk), he is argumentative and mean, or outright ignored me. He rarely helped with the kids at all. I am with them all day, unless I am working my part time job, and am in charge of cooking, feeding the kids, bathtime, bedtime, dishes, etc. My mom and I take turns cooking dinner, but my parents are not in charge of taking care of my kids. And my husband has always hated what my mom cooks, so if I don’t cook what he likes, he gets pissed about it.

 

We recently had several episodes where we got into an argument and my husband hit me or threatened me, in front of the kids. Then one day he was very drunk and got mad at my mom and started threatening my parents. We kicked him out. I told him not to come home. I didn’t want to take him back. I told him it was over, I was done. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He said he realizes how ****ty he has been and wants to really change and make up for it all. He kept pressing and pressing until I gave him just one more chance, saying if he ****s up again, he will leave forever . So against my own judgment, I let him come back.

 

Now, he has promised not to drink anymore. He promised to help more and be a friend to me treat me right, and support me in what I want to do with my life. He is really trying, I can tell, and we have been getting along actually quite well. He still needs a lot of coaxing to get him to help me with the kids, but we are getting along much better.

 

The problem is with me. I think I had ended the relationship in my mind, and was over it. I don’t feel “love” for him, I actually quite dislike him most of the time. I’m not sure if the problems we have had or how he has treated me has just killed any affection I have for him or what. We have been spending more time together, and while we get along and can laugh together, I feel more like I am just over him. I hate to feel this way, because he is trying so hard, talking about moving out and getting our own place, doing nice things for my birthday and valentine’s day, etc. But I also can’t help but feel it’s just a matter of time before the old him resurfaces. He is starting to talk about how he wants to drink, but doesn’t want to go to AA or get counseling.

 

I know if he returns to his old ways, I will have no problem cutting him out of my life. I deserve better and do not want to be abused again. I just can’t stop this feeling that I want to end it now even though he is trying really hard to fix things. There were years and years where I tried to get him to be better and he never tried to fix things but didn’t give up on the relationship. But now that he is changing, or I at least think he is trying, I feel like it’s too late. I think the damage he has done to me and my self worth is too much for me to forgive. I let him treat me this way for so long. I want out but feel so guilty that he really is "trying," but I am still unhappy. I really want to move on, but am also scared to try and worry how it will affect the kids. What do I do?

[CC12]

What do I do?

Get counseling. I know that sounds like a flippant, insulting answer, but I really don't mean it to be. Leaving a marriage is always a difficult decision to make, especially when you've had years of abuse clouding your judgment. That can really get into your head and affect your decision-making process. Consider the guilt you're feeling over wanting to leave him. That guilt is likely not a new feeling for you, it's just the source of your guilt has shifted.

 

There's also the feeling of always being unsure of your opinions and if you're doing the right thing. When someone you love has been constantly telling you that you're wrong and bad and stupid, it gets to be difficult to have convictions about anything. You've been punished in the past for having your own opinions about things. So it's not that crazy that you're having trouble making the decision to leave this guy.

 

For a long time, you've probably been saying to yourself, "If he would just start trying to be a better partner, things would be so much better and this would work." Like, you had the bar set really low, as in "I just want him to stop abusing me." And that's totally understandable. But I think you're now learning that just isn't enough. Even without the abuse, this relationship is not working. For whatever reason. You don't even need a reason. You don't have to argue your case and be "correct."

[sweaterweather]

Thank you for your reply; I think you really hit the nail on the head.

 

I have often contemplated counseling. I have a history of depression and low self esteem as it is. I need to not be clouded by these feelings and get to a place where my decision is not based on negative self worth or guilt, or past resentments.

 

One big problem I have is I don't know how to approach talking to my husband about this. If I tell him I am having reservations about our relationship and need counseling, I am afraid he is going to get mad or really hurt. He is so happy that we are getting along and making positive change, I hate to be like, well it's not enough; but it really isn't enough for me. I have harbored so many resentments and hurt feelings over things he has said and how he made me feel like everything I do is wrong. I don't think he understands how hurt I am over things he has said and done.

 

I also worry that the old him is going to resurface as soon as we move out of my parent's house and I really can't handle someone getting seriously hurt (me) or having the kids see this disfunction any more. We have two boys, I do not want them growing up thinking that is an acceptable way to treat women, or anyone. Maybe I should tell him the only way I feel comfortable moving out with him is if we get some counseling first.

[Fallen Petals]

The trust is gone. When we love someone, in the beginning, we give them a certain type.of automatic trust with that love. It can be broken in many ways....adultery, lies about financial issues, multiple broken promises, failure during a time of true need, and in this case, abuse. You freely gave him your heart and the best of love you had to offer, but he didn't see or appreciate it for what it was. When that trust is broken, it's extraordinarily difficult to repair

But you have to ask yourself if it can be. You two would need clear and open communication, couples therapy, but also individual counseling. He needs to understand the ramifications of his actions, and you need a clearer picture of how it's truly affected you.