Give me one good reason why I should stay in this situation....

[imperfectangel]

So last I heard from my ex mm I was told not to text him anymore as his w checks his phone (sounds healthy lol) and to email him, I never did but the past few days I've been thinking about sending the "last" email, to get everything off my chest

 

But it's got me thinking what ARE the good reasons to stay in affairs? Are there really any pros after the honeymoon phase has worn off?

 

Why put up with been second best and all the drama and heartache that goes with been the ow or om?

[beyond]

Nope - can't think of a single reason.

[Pierre]

If you are in desperate need of external validation the cheating man may be quite useful to you.

[Ladybugz]

there is no good reason.

 

messing with married men is a sin.

and i think woman that do that have low self esteem.

they dont want the best but what feels good for some minutes.

 

especially as a woman i think you waste a lot of time on

something that will not be yours. and you are being use.

as a men you are about to lose everything in one click.

[imperfectangel]

I agree maybe I shouldn't be catty like that with the healthy comment

 

We don't have any contact now haven't spoken for months, havent seen each other for over a year (maybe nearly 2)

 

I am moving forward, I can see and feel it. I've had nights where he's called me over and over texting inbetween calls, not once did I respond

 

I regularly email him though never actually hit send its just the way I've found myself working through it

 

I am getting there slowly but surely. I no longer want to be with him I do not think we are meant to be. He never loved me, his behaviour has shown me that.

[jwi71]

So last I heard from my ex mm I was told not to text him anymore as his w checks his phone (sounds healthy lol) and to email him, I never did but the past few days I've been thinking about sending the "last" email, to get everything off my chest

 

I wouldn't.

You would just be telling xMM that he still occupies head space - you'd simply encourage him further.

 

If you must reply:

 

"Please do not contact me. I will not reply"

 

Simple, straight and to the point. Then block him...his number, his email...all of it.

 

But it's got me thinking what ARE the good reasons to stay in affairs? Are there really any pros after the honeymoon phase has worn off?

 

The pros of an A.

Well, clearly there ARE pros to be in an A.

However, NONE of them APPLY to you and I fear you will mentally wrestle them TO apply. Not doing it.

 

Why put up with been second best and all the drama and heartache that goes with been the ow or om?

 

You ASSUME, reasonably I might add, that ALL A's have such characteristics. They don't. I will agree that MOST do - but not all.

[Ladybugz]

this is great wisdom.

 

when you have a good self esteem and only

date sigle men.

you got the "power" to say yes or no and put your standards.

 

but when you mess with peoples partners or have low self esteem

the men have that "power" over you. and jet he will make you

dance by his rules.

 

messing with guys that are already taken, takes all of the "power" you as a woman have

to control and protect yourself.

 

and i would say its like every men are kind of a woman-psychologist ,

they know very well what they do, with who.

what to say or do.

and from the first minute they see you they already make

a plan for what they want you in their life.

 

thats why a stupid woman or low self esteem

will be her own worst mess

cause if you have no morels etc you will be use easily 10000 times

before knowing it.

[imperfectangel]

I haven't blocked him yet b/c I think doing that will make me want him more

 

Like dieting once you know you can't have a slice of cake you want the whole cake and why not go for pizza too....

 

I will get there, I've come too far to go back now. I don't want to see him anymore after the way he's treated me I don't have anything to say to him over the phone I'm tired of been miserable over him it's just not worth it anymore

[MissBee]

So last I heard from my ex mm I was told not to text him anymore as his w checks his phone (sounds healthy lol) and to email him, I never did but the past few days I've been thinking about sending the "last" email, to get everything off my chest

 

But it's got me thinking what ARE the good reasons to stay in affairs? Are there really any pros after the honeymoon phase has worn off?

 

Why put up with been second best and all the drama and heartache that goes with been the ow or om?

 

None I can think of personally.

 

I've said before that it's one thing if you're just sleeping with someone committed elsewhere and no feelings are involved. Where essentially they are out of sight and out of mind, outside of your hook ups, it's not emotionally taxing and can probably go on for a long while.

 

However, once you start being emotionally invested, all hell breaks loose and it usually becomes a very messy and unrewarding game. Are there good times? Sure. However, most times the bad outweighs it or is qualitatively more significant than the good.

 

Usually though, people are in too deep by time the honeymoon phase has worn off and all the honeymoon future promises and lovely feelings cloud their minds and they believe in a future with this person or they are attached to them and thus it's harder to walk away. I know how attachment (some confuse it for love) works and how it unfortunately doesn't care if the situation/person is right for you, thus I really try to be careful about who I invest in. As you'll get attached to a MM who can never give you what you want, just as you can a single man, or abusive man. Then once you're attached it is VERY hard to be objective, even in the face of things not working out and it's painful to let go. So I just try not to emotionally invest in situations prematurely or that are high risk.

[jwi71]

I haven't blocked him yet b/c I think doing that will make me want him more

 

This likely ISN'T true. Nor is it the experience of LS and others I frequent.

 

You tend to have horrible withdrawal (purposely chosen word) then it gets better. And its not a gradual shift either - its surprisingly sudden the shift from "his attempts can't get through" to not thinking about it. Nor is it a long process.

 

As of now, you can look and see his attempts and with each look you make, you feed, in a circumspect way, the A. The very fact you know he attempted contact keeps you, to some degree, apparently a large one for you, rooted in the past. Each day a mini test to NOT reply to an attempted contact.

 

Its FAR easier to NOT have those thoughts - that turmoil - that test of will.

 

So block him. There will NEVER be a good time. Might as well do it now.

 

Like dieting once you know you can't have a slice of cake you want the whole cake and why not go for pizza too....

 

Not like dieting. The most successful diets HAVE cheat days - they are healthy. Because one cannot prevent themselves from seeing food advertisements for ice cream (which makes you want it). So moderated "Free eat" days are great.

 

Now with an A...thats NOT the case. We can TOTALLY remove this person from contact and NOT have that internal debate.

 

 

I don't want to see him anymore after the way he's treated me I don't have anything to say to him over the phone I'm tired of been miserable over him it's just not worth it anymore

 

If you don't ant to see him then WHY do you want to know he tried to reach you?

 

Sounds like the PERFECT time to block.

[Mount]

Honestly I really don't see having good self esteem and only

date sigle men being related.

 

And yes single man will dance at my rule, but will I feel happy or satifed? - NO.

 

People sometimes can not how where their emotion flows to...sometimes it happens to point to MMs.

 

this is great wisdom.

 

when you have a good self esteem and only

date sigle men.

you got the "power" to say yes or no and put your standards.

 

but when you mess with peoples partners or have low self esteem

the men have that "power" over you. and jet he will make you

dance by his rules.

 

messing with guys that are already taken, takes all of the "power" you as a woman have

to control and protect yourself.

 

and i would say its like every men are kind of a woman-psychologist ,

they know very well what they do, with who.

what to say or do.

and from the first minute they see you they already make

a plan for what they want you in their life.

 

thats why a stupid woman or low self esteem

will be her own worst mess

cause if you have no morels etc you will be use easily 10000 times

before knowing it.

[imperfectangel]

I think because at the moment it's MY choice not to see/have contact with him whereas if I block him and we lose contact.... The thought that I couldn't never see him again scares the complete crap out of me tbh

[Mount]

I like the question - very good question.

 

If you really want this to be over............you are going to have to take it all the way. As long as you are still allowing him to engage with you in any form, your head is still in the affair.

 

It's not healthy to cling to someone who treats you so badly. Why do you cling?[/QUOTE]

[imperfectangel]

Deep down since I was 14 he was 'the one', I'm getting there but it's hard to change the mindset... It's hard for me to accept that this will never be. I don't want it to be, he's not good enough for me, he can't give me what I want, I see that now I suppose the a is like a security blanket for me

[Mount]

Can anyone summerize in very brief way that what happened ?

 

The throw that blanket away and make yourself a new one, one that you design and that comforts you and makes you feel safe and warm. Until you can feel this way on your own, you are trapped.

 

Your posts upset me.........because you are wasting your precious time and life on this no good asshat. I so wish you'd just stop. The longer you do this, the more damage you are doing to yourself.

 

Seriously........most long term ow that are on here..........their head is really f'd up........don't do this anymore, please.

[whichwayisup]

I agree maybe I shouldn't be catty like that with the healthy comment

 

We don't have any contact now haven't spoken for months, havent seen each other for over a year (maybe nearly 2)

 

I am moving forward, I can see and feel it. I've had nights where he's called me over and over texting inbetween calls, not once did I respond

 

I regularly email him though never actually hit send its just the way I've found myself working through it

 

I am getting there slowly but surely. I no longer want to be with him I do not think we are meant to be. He never loved me, his behaviour has shown me that.

 

Keep going and ignore him. You two aren't friends at all and it's so pointless to keep in touch - He's an idiot for still contacting you.

 

Of course you're not meant to be together! So glad you see this! the guy is a married scumbag. He is older and has a life built with someone else, so again, it's just so pointless and a waste of time to even talk, email or text.

[wisernow]

Deep down since I was 14 he was 'the one', I'm getting there but it's hard to change the mindset... It's hard for me to accept that this will never be. I don't want it to be, he's not good enough for me, he can't give me what I want, I see that now I suppose the a is like a security blanket for me

 

You've really got to let go of that 14 year old girls vision of "the one". He is NOT 'the one", will never be "the one" for you. No amount of wishing, praying, begging, waiting, or rationalizing is going to change that.

 

You're a woman now, and I'd suggest you reevaluate what "the one" would mean to you now. And if you ever want to have a chance at finding that special one for you, you'll need to let the 14 year old vision of "the one" go. For good.

[Catplates]

I think because at the moment it's MY choice not to see/have contact with him whereas if I block him and we lose contact.... The thought that I couldn't never see him again scares the complete crap out of me tbh

 

 

If you continue, one day the thought that you WILL see him again will scare the **** out of you.

[ComingInHot]

Imperfect;

Your thread topic is asking for reason to Stay in the A but what I am seeing is that with every post against your staying in the A, you defend it more and more.

So, let me try reasons for staying in the A:

 

Yes! Absolutely! Stay in an Affair with a MM who told you Not to Text him as he might get busted by his Wife whom he doesn't want to know because it would devastate her, his family, their extended family and friend and he might even have to deal with her Divorcing him and taking HALF of His hard earned assets and don't even mention shared custody of kids (if there are children). But STAY! You both have Email. That Totally works to share intimate feelings that you both have that go Far beyond a "normal" Affair*

And, you should Stay in the A with MM because when he can sneak away for a few minutes and sometimes an hour or more, the way he touches you and looks at you makes it ALL worth it. You Have to Stay. He Loves You. You Love him. You are all the happiness that he has!! If you leave, this MM will have Nothing. No Joy whatsoever in his life. You can't do that to him so you should Stay and just be thankful for the moments he allows you*

And think how You would feel! You would be Lost without Him! At least with Some contact, you can be reminded that there is a MM out there who reminds you that you are special enough to meet for those special moments. He has risked SO much to be with you! He TRUSTS YOU! Remember how important your Trust is to him! He could probably Never trust anyone because they would surely eventually tell his Wife of their A to get W to D him! You can't leave the A take that away!

 

And besides that if you left the A you would be available to other men who would Distract you from all of the above! By ending the A, you risk forgetting all the hours of waiting that you did to be able to take his call. All those times he really DID show up just to be with You and make you feel special before he went home to his W and Family. Think of how upset he is going to be when he realizes you have found someone Worthy of your love and commitment! Think about how betrayed he is going to feel when this amazing man fights the universe just because you texted or called or kissed him good morning.....

but then again, if this happened, you wouldn't really be thinking of MM at all*

 

Imperfect angel, I really do think you are an AWESOME woman and I know that None of us can change your mind for you but when you are ready there is a whole world out there waiting for you!!!

CIH

[tulip80]

This likely ISN'T true. Nor is it the experience of LS and others I frequent.

 

You tend to have horrible withdrawal (purposely chosen word) then it gets better. And its not a gradual shift either - its surprisingly sudden the shift from "his attempts can't get through" to not thinking about it. Nor is it a long process.

 

As of now, you can look and see his attempts and with each look you make, you feed, in a circumspect way, the A. The very fact you know he attempted contact keeps you, to some degree, apparently a large one for you, rooted in the past. Each day a mini test to NOT reply to an attempted contact.

 

Its FAR easier to NOT have those thoughts - that turmoil - that test of will.

 

So block him. There will NEVER be a good time. Might as well do it now.

 

 

 

Not like dieting. The most successful diets HAVE cheat days - they are healthy. Because one cannot prevent themselves from seeing food advertisements for ice cream (which makes you want it). So moderated "Free eat" days are great.

 

Now with an A...thats NOT the case. We can TOTALLY remove this person from contact and NOT have that internal debate.

 

 

 

 

If you don't ant to see him then WHY do you want to know he tried to reach you?

 

Sounds like the PERFECT time to block.

 

 

You have no idea how much reading this helped me. I had an EA but it would have quickly turned PA if we weren't working in different countries. It is nearing the 5 month mark and with a business partner whom I had SO much respect and admiration for.

 

He's in the middle of a divorce (actually--hasn't even started the papers because estranged wife is living in different country blowing his money) and in a relationship of 10 months with his girlfriend.

 

I cried many times saying I wanted us to stop. Told him not to contact me, but I guess I was soft because I felt SORRY FOR HIM.

 

His mom had cancer and just died a week and a half ago..RIGHT as I was FINALLY TRULY starting to move forward. EVERY time I cut him off, the first 72 hours feel like I'm coming off of cocaine (silly, I know) but I swear on my LIFE it's like by the 4th-5th day a HUGE cloud is lifted off me and I can FOCUS and have SO much clarity. I have epiphany after epiphany and finally feel as though I'm regaining my self esteem and self worth.

 

So I don't know how long it takes for everyone else, but there's some truth.. Especially when you're the one to cut them off..it at least leaves you with some pride. I also think you can get over it quicker.

 

Of all times I FINALLY put my foot down it's a week after his mom dies from cancer. I felt SO sorry for him and continued to want to be his friend, but the truth is..these people are rarely good friends to us and it wasn't my fault his mom passed and the boundaries were still not there.

 

The sooner the better. Go lock yourself up with a friend in a hotel for 72 hours if you need to and I swear the hormones will have died down and your sense of self will have come back.

 

I've found that with this I've always reached Step 6 of the 8 step recovery program and he makes sure I never reach 7 or 8..because then he'd be too dangerously close of me forgetting him completely and losing me forever...and he's insecure..so he needs me to validate him and make him feel good.

 

Stop letting him eat your pie. Just expect to feel sorry..justify it..and even feel like a neurotic basket case for those first 72 hours but I swear it comes down drastically after that and you feel like you could skip in flowery meadows and jump over rainbows.

 

I'm in my neurotic basketcase stage right now and have asked my friend to hold me accountable while I adjust my hormones and mind back to reality and logic.

 

 

Did I mention we're both business professional with HUNDREDS (literally hundreds) of mutual associations. If I can do it..I know you can, too. You just have to get SICK of the rollercoasters and have a deep desire to stop destroying your self esteem. I'm one of the most confident people out there..with SUCH strong morals..and I'm SO disappointed to think I'd even allow this to happen because I am SO not the "mistress"...but it was heading that way and it shook my soul and self esteem.

 

Only an idiot would want this kind of karma for life. I learned my lesson. Good God..never again.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I wish I could offer advice, but I am still in this with MM, so I am reading responses to help me get out of mine. But, I was watching Scandal last night and this was something said to a person in an A about their "love" and it just hit home....

 

"You have nothing. You have a pile of secrets and lies and you're calling it love. And in the mean time, you're letting your whole life pass you by, while they raise children, and celebrate anniversaries, and grow old together. You're frozen in time, you're holding your breath. You're a statue waiting for something thats never going to happen. Living for stolen moments in hotel hallways and coat closets. You keep telling yourself they all add up to something real because in your mind they have to. But, they don't. They won't. They never will. Because stolen moments aren't a life. So you have nothing."

[spice4life]

I don't really understand imperfectangel. If you have been NC and haven't seen him in months then what is it that you are asking? Just continue as you have with NC and eventually this won't be an issue anymore...just look at it as a normal break up and you're moving on.

[imperfectangel]

I'm very sarcastic anyway but have already addressed this comment

 

I haven't contacted him and I won't be doing.... It's so redundant. Last night I went to write a email (I never actually send them) and I didn't even know what to write the feelings just aren't there anymore at least nothing like they used to be

 

Thanks for all the advice 1 thing I always say about loveshack you get honest responses and that's what I really needed yesterday:)

[stevie_23]

If I remember your story correctly, this man and this relationship is all you've ever known.

 

Every additional day you stay is a danger to your mental health and it's going to take that much longer to recover from all that mind ****ery.

 

You should have and want so much better for yourself, hon. This man will destroy you if you let him.

 

Wow, this is your only / first ever relationship? Oh boy. I hope you don't think this is normal. Because NO affair relationship is normal.

 

If you TRULY believe he will LEAVE his wife to be with you? And SOON? THAT is the only TINY reason to stay. But it's fraught with danger and heartache.

[ComingInHot]

Imperfect Angle;

So, I posted the opposite a page or so ago hoping you would see my point. I think you did but it hit me today (have no idea why, I was in the middle a thousand things) to see how far back you A went.

 

2011... ugh

Have gone back and read what you have posted yet? It may give you a clearer picture of how you have spent almost 2 years allowing you to answer your own topic thread question.

 

I hope you are alright and seeing the light*

CIH