Query for the "accused" - why so angry?

[Sheba]

I have posted about my problem which includes a concern that my partner has a crush on a woman that he and I both work with. This concern has caused a great deal of grief, and we have agreed to see a counsellor. Unfortunately the appointment with the counsellor has been put off a couple of times. In the mean time, I am trying to gain a little measure of confidence in order to get through the days, and I need your help.

 

I am very interested in hearing from those of you accused of an affair or emotional affair, both those who were fairly or unfairly accused.

 

I made a number of observations which lead me to ask my partner if he had a crush on this woman (standing and sitting unusually close, always speaking to her, finding excuses to be in close quarters with her, a HUGE happy grin when he is around her). He says she is his friend, only, however I notice that he treats her much differently than he treats other women that we work with whom he claims also to like. Of course, she is the only one who is very beautiful and somewhat flirtatious.

 

My question is this - why does he react with such anger to my concerns? I have not made any demand such as "don't talk to her" or "don't sit by her in the lunch room". I have only said that I am very worried, and that his conduct around her looks to me like the behaviour of a man with a "crush" on a woman and makes me anxious.

 

Admittedly, I have said so several times, despite his assurances that he does not have a crush (although I hardly expect him to admit to it, and just hoped he would be more conscious of his own behaviour). He says he does not want to have to "monitor" his behaviour when he knows he is doing nothing wrong, however his reactions are increasingly angry, to the point of outright fury.

 

What significance would you attach to his anger?

[oannamarie]

It sounds like he is getting defensive because he wants to be more than just friends. Does he ever accuse you of cheating? I think that he wants you to think that cheating never crosses his mind when in actuality it realy does.

[She's Come Undone]

MMM, I think that MAYBE he might just be getting mad about the repetitive questioning. HOWEVER, I do feel like he is being too friendly with this woman, I would not blame you for being suspicious and questioning his actions.

[whichwayisup]

Same reaction here too, he deflects it and gets mad because HE KNOWS he's not doing the right thing, but is justifiying it in his mind, making you out to be the bad guy...He really believes he's doing nothing wrong.

 

Hmm, Not to go and do this, but what if you flirted openly with someone infront of him? How do YOu think he would react? Get mad or be amused? Seriously? lol, I wonder how he would feel if you went and openly did what he was doing...

 

I do hope the therapy helps and atleast he gets called on all his BS in the session.

 

All the best.

[FolderWife]

Hmmm...If my husband accused me repeatedly of having a crush on someone that I DIDN'T Have a crush on, I'd get peed too. I, of course, would quit hanging out with that person he thinks I like, because it makes him uncomfortable, and he's the one I love.

 

Unless I DID have a crush on them. Of course, if I did have a crush on them, I don't think I'd get angry when accused...I'd get defensive, but not angry.

 

That's just me though. I can't speak for everyone. The only thing that makes me angry, is being accused of something that I'm not doing.

 

My husband is the same way. If I ask, "Did you look at porn?" and he hasn't, he'll get mad, and say, "No! Why don't you leave me alone about that!!!" But if he has, he'll say sweetly, "No..." So I'll press on, and finally get out of him that he did. That's how I know when my husband is lying. If I ask, or accuse him of something that he didn't do, he gets mad. If he did do it, but he's lying, he's very nice about it.

 

Hmmm.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by Monday

 

My husband is the same way. If I ask, "Did you look at porn?" and he hasn't, he'll get mad, and say, "No! Why don't you leave me alone about that!!!" But if he has, he'll say sweetly, "No..." So I'll press on, and finally get out of him that he did. That's how I know when my husband is lying. If I ask, or accuse him of something that he didn't do, he gets mad. If he did do it, but he's lying, he's very nice about it.

 

Hmmm.

 

 

 

My dh does the very samething. When I accussed him of his A he was very nice about it and denied it, but when he isn't doing anything I accusse him of he becomes very defensive. He was having an A but denied it, but was nice about, he didn't become defensive at all.

[Sheba]

Again.

 

I was in the midst of work on a sudden, dramatic problem for a client. I walked from the "war" room to my own office, past the lunch room. It was not yet lunch time, but there, in the lunch room is the woman in question - making a special lunch for all the staff and with her, my partner, who was "cleaning out the lunch room cupboards". Now, I know he likes to clean and organize things, but cleaning is NOT his job at the office. I feel it was an excuse to be in the same room as her and "enjoy her company", and he believed I was far too distracted to notice.

 

He knew I was upset and came to tell me he was just cleaning but got angry when I asked him if he started his cleaning first or if she was already working on her lunch when he went in there. He claimed not to remember and was quite furious that I asked.

 

I feel bad that he will not even try to avoid the appearance of questionable behaviours. I have an appointment with the relationship counsellor next Tuesday, but he cannot come because he has an important deadline. I have decided I will go by myself and also make another appointment for us to attend together.

[emra]

After talking to him and he knows your frustration over this and he continues to do it? I think there is a lot more to his story then he is letting you believe. He is basically throwing it in your face by not backing off, to me that says he does not respect you and your feelings. Maybe there is nothing going on, maybe there is, the way I see it is that you need to really think about all of this because he is showing that your feelings are important at all to him.

Some people enjoy making the SO jealous, even if there is nothing there. To them, it tells them if you really care. Major Mind Game, which can lead to Mind Control. How you feel should be of importance to your SO.

I can see after repeatedly saying what you say to him, him getting upset, however I don't hear you saying, he isn't doing it anymore or backing off from her. Again, if he respected you and how you feel, he would show it in his behavior and not continue to do this to you.

[StillHurtin]

I agree w/ emra. He needs to stay the he!! away from this woman if it is uncomfortable for you seeing them 2gether. He should respect your feelings. Your post sounds so much like what I went through. I didn't see my dh w/ the OW at work but I heard a lot about it from friends who's H's that worked w/ them and another close friend that worked there. They kept me updated on a daily basis what was going on. They were in the plant in areas where they didn't need to be, she was always in his office. They were always 2gether.

I hope that your H isn't actually having an A w/ this OW. It is bad enough he is spending a lot of time w/ her at work let alone actually sleeping w/ her.