Love Sucka Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Should you tell your new guy about your past? He has issues with sex .. he may even be a virgin. I have a past.. I have done stupid things.. one night stands I am going to be 25. I feel so guilty about the past. If I SHOULD Tell him he will probably throw up and leave. I just dont know if this is information i should share or not.. so confusing Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 No. Your sexual history is your own-why do you feel guilty about it? If you act guilty about your past then you give him a reason to be disgusted. Be proud of who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Your past is just that, the past. As long as you don't have anything (STD wise, ect) that would warrant sharing things like that then I don't see the point in telling him. Then again I guess you should put yourself in his shoes, if he had the past and you would want to know then maybe once you know him longer you should tell him. Only you can decide what feels right! Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine2000 Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 If you don't want to go into details then don't, but you can tell him what you've experienced. You don't have to talk about the number just what you like so you can teach him how to satisfy you. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 If ypou want to talk about it do not make sound like terrible, unreasonably wild or shameful. Make sure you are free of any STDs before you go to bed with him. Otherwise he has no right to push you to talk about anything. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Originally posted by Love Sucka ...I just dont know if this is information i should share or not.. so confusing As for whether you should share your past with your partner: Yes and no. Your sexual history is something your partner needs to know about, and I am puzzled by those who believe "The past is the past, and it does not affect anyone." In truth, what you have done in your past makes you who you are today, and can reveal what type of person an individual truly is. You do not need to describe in detail what has happened, and who it happened with. You should, however, be very honest about the number of sexual partners you have had, any illnesses you may have, and how frequently and long ago you were last tested for STDs and STis, and for which STDs and STIs you were tested. Your past can severely affect the health of your present partner. I feel that if you care about him, you'll be honest and up front with him about these topics. Again, you do not and should not mention who, where, when, and what you have done, but you should be clear about certain topics involving your past and your present habits. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 I agree with Faux in saying our past tells who we are and how our future will be shaped. No crucial facts should be held back from present and future partners. It all depends on the way we put it. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 I am puzzled by those who believe "The past is the past, and it does not affect anyone." In truth, what you have done in your past makes you who you are today, and can reveal what type of person an individual truly is. I agree that our past makes us who we are today. Also yes you should tell your partner about any STD's you have/had (hopefully common sense made you be safe so you won't have any) and I agree that the number of partners should be told (I know how many girls my guy has had) and likewise he knows how many guys I've been with. I can't imagine holding that back from him. Let me clarify what I mean when I say "the past is just that...the past" What I meant is: No one should be judged on their past (assuming they've made one mistake or two I am not talking about a compulsive one night stander that's just wrong (IMHO). So one's past is just that..their past..yes it affects who they are and how they are today but just because someone did something in their past doesn't mean that they will do or be the same way that they were then, now in this time in their life. I don't think (if she just started dating him) that she should necessarily reveal her past at length. Before she decides to sleep with him she needs to set him down and tell him (and as mentioned above make sure she's STD free), let him decide if he's comfortable about being with someone who's been with however many people this poster has been with. I agree also that details are (basically) un-important as far as who you were with or what you did. (not that it's un-important but it's not really his business if you don't wish to make it his business). No matter who you're with virgin or not, for your own conscious and piece of mind and for the sake of honesty and their feelings you should be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
amer Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Not each salacious detail of your sexual history. However, exposure to STDs are potentially life threatening. Also, there is a difference toa virginal guy in his 20s between a girlfriend who: 1. Is a virgin 2. Has slept with 1-3 people 3. Has slept with up to 10 people 3. Has slept with more than she can count. It has to do with evidence of a long-term commitment in a mature relationship - or not. Not being upfront about this topic means you are afraid he may dump you if he thinks you were promiscious. valid concern, but the honorable thing to do is to be truthful without giving up a lot of details beyond number of lovers, STDs testing, and how long each relationship lasted. Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Well, I'm scared s--tless of actually asking my g.f. how MANY people she's had sex with in the past. I know the # of long-ish term relationships she's had, and there are a few long-ish gaps in her life where there were no serious boyfriends, so there's some gap-filling that may include several casual sexual escapades. I'm no angel by any stretch of the imagination, myself. In fact, my #'s are pretty high due to an indiscriminate youth, so I know my #'s are going to be higher than hers....(god I hope so)... Anyway, I'm not asking unless and until she does. Here's another thing: She asked me how many women I'd slept with before I graduated high school. Well, I made her tell me first, and she told me 2. Okay, fine. I actually had to think a while, and I told her 5. Which was true. She seemed somewhat taken aback by that, which is a decent sign that she's not nearly as "slutty" as I have been in my past. Now, was she using that "number of partners before high school graduation" as some sort of litmus test? Like, if she's been with 10 people in her life, she thinks since her answer of two to that question was 5 times less than her actual number to date, that she used that same factor of 5 and applied it to my present day number? We're the exact same age, so it would stand to make sense....but if that's the case, then she'd think I'd have 25 partners (which is ballpark, but not exact...). Now, if she ever DOES ask me how many women I've slept with, there's no way in hell I'm going to tell her anything over 12. Given that I wouldn't be honest about it, why would I have any expectation that she'd be totally honest about it too? All of this is a can of worms that I just don't want to have in my already f-ed up head. I mean, it's not the most soothing of thoughts thinking about what these other guys did with her. Ugh. I mean, she's incredible, and does some things that you don't learn except from hands-on experience....pun intended. Yeah, and she told me that her h.s. boyfriend and her had anal sex like 4 times because he was deathly afraid of getting her pregnant. I asked her if she liked it, and she said she can "take it or leave it". I have no interest in it whatsoever. If she brought that up, does that mean she wants to? Or not? I don't really want to. But it's something she shared with some a$$clown that's not me. It sort of pisses me off that she experienced something with some other guy that I probably never will...or if I do, would rather it be "special" and "just mine". It's just that all these thoughts lead to the conclusion that there's nothing that I can do that will be the "first time" or "unique" or "special" for her. See all these stupid things that get brought to the surface when you start thinking about past sexual experiences? Such a headache. I do, however, have the good fortune of having a girlfriend who at least TELLS me that I'm the best she's ever had. That's a good lesson for all you ladies out there: no matter if the guy your with is or is not the best lover you'd ever had, it's always diplomatic to tell him that he is...especially if he knows that he's the last in a fairly respectable line of men that've come before him (again, pun intended). Link to post Share on other sites
Love Sucka Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 This is a very confusing subject.. some people say they want to know some say they dont. I have been tested many many times.. Of course i would love to get the blood test for herpes.. even though ive never had any sores down there.. but they dont make it so easy to get because they cant really tell you if you can spread it or not. Aside from this.. i dont know what to do.. i get different answers from everyone. Some say tell some say dont. Some say skirt the truth. I have recently lost 125 lbs and my life has changed.. would he have dated me when i was 300 lbs?? probably not! The fact that i am thinner me is the reason he likes me.. Shouldnt that go for the past too. He has mentioned his ex who LIED to him about the parnters she had been with.. saying 3 and it really was more like 15. I dont know if he was mad that she lied or that she was with that many. Probably both. I wish i could go back and change what ive done. I pray everyday for relief from this. I just dont know what else to do. Link to post Share on other sites
romme22 Posted September 3, 2004 Share Posted September 3, 2004 Okay, I've lived through both sides of this. My wife and I have been married for 15 years, we had a the past is the past deal long ago although we had general idea of numbers. Well over 15 years things come out here and there and I was hearing new names or new stories. This finally started to get to me, and weighed heavily on my mind for years wondering when the names and stories would end. We finally had a talked and disclosed everything about 2 years ago. It was such a relief for both of us to get it in the open. But this was after being together for so long anyway so it wasn't a make or break type deal. I can't understand why you women beat yourselves up so much about your past and have guilt. Obviously you had a willing partner and let's assume you weren't forced into anything. I know some guys have a serious hangup about the number of men and all that but when you think about it realistically, let's say you started having sex when you were 17 and you slept with 2 guys a year whether they were serious or one night stands it doesn't matter right now. But if you are 25 now and slept with 2 guys a year that would be 16 guys. When you look at the total number it seems high but look at it as I only had sex twice a year it seems different. The other big difference is that if you you probably could have had sex a lot more than you did. So 2 or 3 different friends a year is not that bad. Even if you dated a guy for 3 months before having sex, that would potentially be 4 partners a year for 8 years or 32 partners. Again sounds like a lot but I would guess that each has it's circumstances and after dating someone for a month or two you would expect to be sleeping together. If I can just figure out what it is that bothers me about my wifes past then I'll be all set. Her past is not unreasonable so why does it bother me, don't know..... Would I have reacted differently if I knew all up front? Not sure.. It's somehow a guy thing... There's a discussion forum http://www.monicafrank.net/disc4_frm.htm that every other message is about jealousy of the past, lot's of talk but no answers. So first of all unless you have some absurdly high number, break it down, average partners per year and add the fact that you have a right to have sex, were lonely, horny, etc and stop beating yourself up about it. Then decide if the relationship that you are in is at the point of telling. If your relationship progresses to the marriage stage which eventually one will and the stuff comes out after, it hurts everyone involved much more than if it were known up front. This is all just my useless opinion of course. Rom Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted September 3, 2004 Share Posted September 3, 2004 Your sexual past - how many people you've slept with, whether they've been in long-term relationships or one night stands - is one of those subjects that should be STRICTLY OFF LIMITS. You're damned if you do tell, and damned if you don't. Regardless of what you say, you're either you're a promiscuous whore or you're a prudish virgin - neither of which is what you want your guy to think about you. What's important is your sexual FUTURE with this person. You've learned, you've moved on. You are who you are now, not then. DO NOT TELL HIM. Further, try him out in the sack before you make any decisions about what kind of sexual guy he is. Link to post Share on other sites
kellydontwanttasleep Posted September 3, 2004 Share Posted September 3, 2004 any guy who wants to be with me i tell them about my histories so if they think they're hot they know i have experience and they better be afraid. if they can't perform i will dump them in a NY minute. guys don't want experienced girls because they know they're lame and stupid in bed. they just don't want to be compared to some one good in bed. they may rationalize it any way they want but that is the truth. girls be proud of your spirit for adventure and never feel guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
Love Sucka Posted September 3, 2004 Share Posted September 3, 2004 Your right but then again guys think if a girl has an average of say 4 or 5 partners a year for 6 years . Its a high number.. maybe they are scared that they are sleeping with all those people too. I had relationships.. people i trusted and it didnt work out.. SOmetimes i just fooled around to fool around. I keep in touch with some.. some are my friends and we dont even remember that one time we did it. He might feel that im dirty or a have a disease... I dont know i just wish i could erase everything and make my self a virgin. But i cant. I guess it goes the same way.. Ask a girl who has been with 2 people how many men she gave oral too and there may be a scary scary answer. Ive been tested and sex free for one year.. i made a change because i realized having sex too soon can sabotage things. My friend was with well OVER my number WELL WELL OVER and she told her boyfriend.. BAD IDEA.. he cant get over it and is sick.. i dunno Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 3, 2004 Share Posted September 3, 2004 any guy who wants to be with me i tell them about my histories so if they think they're hot they know i have experience and they better be afraid. if they can't perform i will dump them in a NY minute. guys don't want experienced girls because they know they're lame and stupid in bed. they just don't want to be compared to some one good in bed. they may rationalize it any way they want but that is the truth. girls be proud of your spirit for adventure and never feel guilty. I agree. Immature, stupid men want their women to be virginal so they don't have to worry about getting them off. Link to post Share on other sites
kellydontwanttasleep Posted September 3, 2004 Share Posted September 3, 2004 you got it Mr Spock. notice the guys are letting this one drift away lol. rationalizing on this one wont work. and girls don't buy thier BS Link to post Share on other sites
amer Posted September 4, 2004 Share Posted September 4, 2004 Men want their women virginal because of performance anxiety? I don't think so. The girl in question is dating a man who is likely a virgin and likely has beliefs about sexuality rooted in his religion. So you ladies essentially believe that the guy shouldn't find out about sexual history because you worry about being labeled a ho? No wait, that's as absurd as the performance anxiety "reasoning". To me, it is about honesty in the relationship. I didn't expect to marry a virgin, nor did I. I wasn't one either. However, if my then girlfriend had revealed to me that she slept with 20 men before me, 100, shoot, 300+ I would have for sure kicked her to the curb. Why? Risk of STDs and a lack of commitment indicated by promiscuity does not bode well for a marriage-minded man. Now if we're all talking about the superficial dating scene, sure bang away! besides, even one guy a week is only 52 a year. And even if you toss in hump day lunch guy that's still just over a hundred guys a year. Why not, jeez? Link to post Share on other sites
romme22 Posted September 4, 2004 Share Posted September 4, 2004 Just because you have sex with lots of people doesn't mean you are experienced sexually. My guess is that a good percentage of woman who have been with more than several guys are lucky if they even had an orgasm from brief encounters. I'd also bet that a lot of one nighters are done in a druken state and that there's a decent enough percentage of guys who totally suck in bed and only think about themselves or last 2 minutes. Unfortunately these all count as a past sexual experience even though it totally sucked. You got nothing from it except an increased number of partners. Let's face it too, how many 18-25 year old guys are interested in getting some girl off they just met or are just as drunk as, probably not many. Guys have it easier as the sex ends when they achive their goal, orgasm. I'm not saying this applies to all guys and gals, just probably a good amount. I did my fair share of searching and one nighters and I'd have to say in my younger years I definitely sucked and lasted 2 minutes but as I got older I got more pleasure out of seeing my partners pleasure so I practiced and grew into an awesome lover. kellydontwanttasleep, I think that's good that you know what you want sexually, I wish my wife knew or were more experienced but unfortunately she fell into the group I described. Love Sucka, eventually your going to meet the right person and if they love you and can understand your past, then great, if they can't understand it, maybe they aren't the right person for you. In my opinion, if you meet someone and feel there's a real connection either use the past is the past thing and move on or tell them about your past but not in detail. Whatever you do, don't lie or not tell them and then let it slip out over a few drinks years later. From all guys point of view, it's all or none, knowing about a few and not knowing the rest is more difficult than knowing it all up front. Rom Link to post Share on other sites
Love Sucka Posted September 4, 2004 Share Posted September 4, 2004 AND THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 20 MEN AND 100 SORRY TO TELL YOU! i mean if you put 20 and 100 in the same category then what the heck kind of math are we talking Link to post Share on other sites
kellydontwanttasleep Posted September 4, 2004 Share Posted September 4, 2004 lmao i knew performance anxiety would come up.....lol guys are so predictable. first off i've been studying advance forms of sexual chi kung for a while so i know how to do it very well and i went with all my partners to get them tested. now i carry testing kits with me always. you can hide behind an unregistered member Amer and you are obviously one of the guys who can't get girls off. Rom have your wife take a sexual chi kung class, or better yet take one with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 4, 2004 Share Posted September 4, 2004 It's not even how many people you've f*cked it's how enthusiastic you are about the whole process. I don't bother with men who are unconcerned about getting me off. Link to post Share on other sites
ishtarbeam Posted September 4, 2004 Share Posted September 4, 2004 I guess this is where I inject my own issues about that topic, laffs. I think it is wonderful to be honest about your past, to a point and non detail oriented. I have jealousy and insecurity/trust issues, so although I respect that my bf has told me his past, sexually and otherwise, it has in a way haunted me. I have to gauge the importance of one's past against you and your partner's future. On one side, it is honest, but to a broken person, hearing about that can become something the other person dwells on in their own mind. This may be a very insecure position , and admittedly I am sure it is. If I had it to do over, I wish that my bf had been more light on the details, there are things I know that are not horrifying by any standard, but I wish they weren't in my head. Shrugs, that is me. I also do not have STD concerns so that may also be a factor I am not really able to comment on. People do make mistakes and grow and change. Honest is wonderful and freeing in a relationship and in life. I guess the question is, are you telling the other person to be honest and open or are you telling them to work through your own issues. Just a thought or 2. Link to post Share on other sites
cuzinmike11 Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 What exactly are "high numbers" ? Say two people are seriously dating. Prior to dating he averages 2 new partners every 3 years but she averages 3 new partners every 2 years. Is this normal or is she too "fast" ? Link to post Share on other sites
Love Sucka Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 Sometimes i feel guilty and sometimes i dont. I dont have an std. I guess if he had the chance to do the things that i did without fear then he would have. Its not a religious thing. I just feel dirty when he calls girls sluts...yet men are allowed to explore sexually i cant talk about this anymore there is too much judgment I AM NOT A SLUT! I KNOW THIS ive changed the way i look and my inside has changed to. I dont need to have sex to feel secure I GET hit on all the time now. It just hurts Link to post Share on other sites
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