Thinking about having an affair

[lafleur]

Hi there! I'm new here and was hoping to get some advice, as I'm going out of my mind trying to figure out my situation all on my own. I'm sorry in advance for the really long post...

 

First up, I'll give a bit of background. I'm 30 and single. I've never had a boyfriend, and I've never had sex (I'll give everyone a moment to pick themselves up off the floor, because I'm sure I'm the only 30yr old virgin on the planet and the whole situation is rather upsetting to me).

 

I'm attractive, dress well, kind, intelligent, college educated etc., so there's nothing actually "wrong" with me as far as normal standards go, and I get a reasonable amount of interest from guys. I've even double checked with some of my brutally honest friends and they agree that I'm perfectly normal and good girlfriend / wife material. I think I've remained single so long because I'm a little picky - I do think there needs to be chemistry within a few dates and I would like to find someone on a similar level to me in terms of education, finances etc.

 

Anyway... of course there are some great guys where I live, I guess I just haven't been in the right place, at the right time. And I always thought settling was a bad idea (maybe I was wrong about that). In terms of the sex issue, I'm just not capable of having one night stands with random guys, no matter how cute or persuasive they are. It's not a religious thing, I just really want some type of meaningful connection and level of trust with someone before jumping into bed with them, and without that I don't think I would enjoy it.

 

So... as far as my current dilemma, I met a guy through my work 3 years ago (but we don't work together). He's early 50s and married. We hit it off straight away and have been good friends ever since. It's been very platonic - probably because of the 20 year age gap I never considered him in any other way other than a really good friend.

 

Three months ago someone close to me died. I have no idea why, but I just showed up at his office in the middle of the afternoon and started crying. He canceled the rest of his afternoon and took me out to coffee and we talked. Since then we've been really close and, for me at least, the meaning of our relationship, and my feelings about him have shifted dramatically.

 

Looking back, I can see that I missed some solid indicators that he's had feelings for me too, at least for a year, maybe more. So, at this point, I'm fairly sure it's mutual. Neither of us have ever said anything outright, although I'm fairly certain he came close to telling me about 9 months ago, and I just didn't see it at the time.

 

I think his marriage is one of convenience. I don't think he has any plans to ever get divorced, but from what I can tell his wife is not the love of his life and, while I know they do some things together (go to dinner etc.), I don't think they have an emotionally intimate relationship. She's a companion, not a lover. I'm nearly certain that if he could turn back the clock 30 years, he would not marry her. I think he thought at the time that chemistry would grow between them, but it just never did.

 

I understand why he wouldn't want to leave his wife at his stage in life and have to start dealing with splitting up finances, homes etc, especially when there's nothing actually wrong with his marriage, it just isn't all he wanted it to be (that's life, I guess.) It's just easier and more comfortable to stay married - I completely understand that for him at his age.

 

And, to my horror, I've made it to 30 without ever being intimate with anyone, and I really, really want that. I feel close to him, care for him and trust him, so even though his age and marital status is not ideal, after such a long time waiting, I want to follow through (dear universe, please let me have enjoyable sex at least once in my life). I have no delusions that we will ever be together - but I don't see why developing our relationship into a more intimate one doesn't fulfill a need for both of us... If he's never found the emotional intimacy he wanted, and nor have I, is it still such an awful thing for us to have an affair?

 

I also keep thinking that this is my one and only chance. It's taken 30 years to find someone I have a connection with, and I don't have another 30 years left to find another. I really feel like I've missed out.

 

I was thinking of going to lunch with him next week and just flat out telling him. Should I tell him how I feel? I would be devastated and so embarrassed if he rejected me. And it occurred to me that even if he does feel the same way, he might still reject me.

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated. I know people say that affairs ruin peoples lives and I have always thought that is true and they are such a silly thing to do. But suddenly I find myself in a situation where it's not so black and white and I'm really confused.

[LFH]

I have been in an affair with a MM for over 4 years. I am one of the few who are really very happy with the relationship I have with him and I'm content with what I have with him.

 

I am a VERY rare exception and I'd like to tell you that even when it's great, it's still not what you deserve.

 

You are young, if you want a family, this will never do it for you.

You will give up a lot of things for this relationship and it's easy to get in deeper than you would think, without ever even realizing it's happening.

 

I caution you NOT to do this. It's a very rough, very emotional and in most cases, very painful (for everyone) road.

 

What would you actually GAIN from doing this?

[Bailey14]

Listen to LFH.......she is very wise. I, too, am in a LTR and I love him dearly but, if I could rewind the last three years I would not make the choices I made. Your first experience with love and sex should not be within the context of an affair. Wait for the right man to come along and if he doesn't.....being alone is far better than longing for another woman's husband.

[beyond]

"It's not a religious thing, I just really want some type of meaningful connection and level of trust with someone before jumping into bed with them, and without that I don't think I would enjoy it."

 

Do you think you would enjoy it knowing he was getting up to go back to his wife afterwards?

 

I think you are very vulnerable right now, and he was there for you when you were very down and you feel a bond because of that. But take a step back and look at this for what it really is.....a middle aged man 20 yrs your senior who is a bit bored with his life and no doubt is extremely flattered that a young woman is showing him interest.

 

Do you really want your first time to be like this?

[Summer Breeze]

I agree with the other posters. You shouldn't do this. You shouldn't let your whole future of sex be determined by the emotional drain so many see in an A. If he's your first then he will almost own you. Please be careful.

 

Now that's said. Most posters that are starting threads like this have already made up their minds that they are going to proceed. I have some advice for you.

 

He has another life that doesn't include you. You need to have one that he has no control over and that you will not allow him to interfere with. You must keep your friends and make plans. Don't duck out of them because he calls and said he's free one night. You will want to but you can't. This is a huge boundary and you need to keep it.

 

Insist on a few things that you will not do because it would be degrading and see what his reaction is. If he needs to speak to his W he has to go to another room. Tell him you won't remain silent and if you're watching something funny on TV you're going to laugh. Do not work around what he's doing. He wants an A then he has to sort out the logistics.

 

Tell him you insist on having his home number. If he doesn't respond to you on his cell phone you will be calling his home phone.

 

Do not meet him for cheap trysts. Go away for weekends and vacations.

 

Always pay your own way.

 

Tell him you will take photographs as if you were any other couple on the face of the earth. Let him know if there are any holidays or special days that you insist on seeing him.

 

 

Over the top? Yes. But if he wants to continue a R with you he will do these things. If he doesn't then you've dodged a bullet. You know he has boundaries so why shouldn't you? Set them early and do not let him get away with breaking them. If you think this is love then you be treated as though you are loved.

 

 

Oh yes. Also tell him that if his W contacts you EVER that you will NEVER lie for him.

 

 

This is your power you will or will not be giving up. Think so carefully about what you do. You have so much to lose.

[2sure]

This is not your one and only chance.

You said it is possible that you have been too picky regarding your requirements for men.

 

There is nothing wrong with being picky but you definitely want to figure out how you are shutting yourself out of a relationship. Because you are doing it yourself.

 

This will hurt you. You are vulnerable which is why you find yourself considering it. This will make it worse.

 

Add available to your list of requirements.

[lafleur]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's really nice to be able to reach out and get some perspective, I really appreciate it. A few of you have wisely asked about what I think I would get out of it and where I see it all going if I follow through. When I write it all down it doesn't exactly look like a bed of roses, but here goes....

 

In the short term, I guess I was hoping for both an emotional and physical connection. I do realize that I might end up with the exact opposite of that - ironic eh?! I know the chances of friends to lovers might not work, especially if either one of us gets consumed by guilt (I'm guessing there's probably a pretty good chance of that, but maybe some of you can share your experiences with this). Having to "plan" encounters and sneak around also does not sit well with me, so there's a good chance I end up completely doing my head in, rather than filling it will giddy emotions of joy. And, most worryingly, if he got caught he could lose his marriage, which I know he would not want. I do care for him, so the thought of initiating something that could ruin his life upsets me.

 

From a physical / intimate viewpoint, well I'm a little worried that could end in disaster too. Taking into consideration my underachievement in this area, it's probably not going to be a particularly satisfying experience for him the first few times. As for me, I have no idea what to expect, especially with such a large age gap, so it might not live up to my expectations either (although this is true for any new relationship).

 

In the long term, I know it can't last because at some point his age is going to catch up to him well before me. But then, it *could* be satisfying emotionally and physically for us both in the sort term, and is there anything wrong with that? I'm not sure, which is why I'm here.

 

I hate that I seem to be arguing against myself now... There's no doubt that a connection exists between us, so if not now and with him, then when and with who? I'm 30 and I've lost patience with waiting for the right guy. If he never comes along, then I'm left with nothing. Something now (even short term) is better than nothing at all, ever. I've always had good self esteem and been confident being single and trusted that the right guy would come along. He hasn't and now its embarrassing and it's beginning to upset me to the point of distraction

 

I know Alexandria suggested I might be emotionally unavailable and I can see how it's easy to draw that conclusion having had no significant relationships by 30. I was beginning to think that too. I am soooo upset by my situation that I have genuinely considered this and taken a hard look at myself and I honestly don't think that's the case. I really do think it's just been a combination of my working environment (limited opportunities to meet people), living in a smallish sized city (the pool of people to choose from is not huge) and just not being in the right place at the right time. Plus, 30 is a difficult age bracket because all the good ones are taken by now, and it's too soon for any of them to be divorced and available again, so my situation is not improving.

[ThatJustHappened]

Have you tried online dating?

[lafleur]

Yes I've actually been really active with it since the beginning of this year. I've had a few good dates, but so far no real chemistry with anyone.

[Pierre]

Yes I've actually been really active with it since the beginning of this year. I've had a few good dates, but so far no real chemistry with anyone.

 

You say there is nothing wrong with you and that you are picky when it comes to dating.

 

So you picked an old MAN who needs a bottle of Viagra to get it half way up and who also happens to be married. :laugh:

 

Now that is been real selective.

 

Are you out of your freaking mind?

 

As to why you like the old man: You like him because he gives you the type of attention you don't get from single men. PLease read the stories of the average OWs in the board. Other than LFH, most have horror stories. You are about to destroy your life and will be on the hook with this old man for years to come. Before you know it you will be over 40 single, and with no options. NO chance at ever having a family.

 

Good luck!

 

 

By the way, there is nothing wrong with waiting for Mr Right to have sex, so don't get down on the virginity issue.

[Realist3]

Stop thinking about it. Affairs are very messy business. I could not think of a worse situation to get yourself involved in, especially for your first time.

[blindotter]

Yes I've actually been really active with it since the beginning of this year. I've had a few good dates, but so far no real chemistry with anyone.

 

Less than two months is not long enough to build up a statistically significant sample from which to create a generalization about your chances in terms of dating men who are available and unencumbered.

[ThatJustHappened]

I don't understand. You talk about how picky you are and what a catch you are but you're ready to offer yourself up as someone's second choice. A man who is old enough to be your father and who is already firmly taken. You can't be that picky if you're willing to put yourself in such a degrading situation. Don't do it.

[veryhappy]

Please read these threads

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=19231655

especially the one about being in danger to become the OW. I haven't kept up with her story in the Dating forum. You sound reasonable and fairly realistic, maybe the advice given there will help even if the situations are not completely identical.

 

You are basically an ego booster to a guy who has a very boring and predictable life. Even if she's just a companion, they don't leave. The Ws also don't get divorced if they find out, so you shouldn't really worry about him and his M. Worry about yourself and your future, because as the OW you are on your own, no matter what he'd tell you.

 

When people fall deeply in love they want to be together 24/7. It will mess with your head not to be able to go through the process naturally if it's your first time.

[Brian1]

Please read these threads

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=19231655

especially the one about being in danger to become the OW. I haven't kept up with her story in the Dating forum. You sound reasonable and fairly realistic, maybe the advice given there will help even if the situations are not completely identical.

 

You are basically an ego booster to a guy who has a very boring and predictable life. Even if she's just a companion, they don't leave. The Ws also don't get divorced if they find out, so you shouldn't really worry about him and his M. Worry about yourself and your future, because as the OW you are on your own, no matter what he'd tell you.

 

When people fall deeply in love they want to be together 24/7. It will mess with your head not to be able to go through the process naturally if it's your first time.

 

lafleur, cutedragon is exactly right. Listen to her advice and in a few years when you look back you will be grateful. Believe me you will find someone special who will want you and care for you fully. Please stay away from this temptation of entering into a non-fulfilling love affair. Wait and be patient to find an intrinsic love. He will come.

[TheOW]

If anything will put you off having an affair read my story

 

Its not worth your sanity, you will change as a person for the worse !

 

Your life WILL revolve around HIM and you will be at lowest point in your life when he lets you down or he and his wife are away on vacations/nights out/anniversary etc etc and there are lots of these moments.

[beyond]

Having thought about this more, I do agree with Lady G, in that your choice could point towards some issues you may have had with your father. Were you close? Was he emotionally cold towards you/unavailable?

 

I also wonder why you choose to wait all this time (nothing wrong with that btw) and then contemplate giving yourself to this particular man. Are you without realising it, choosing him precisely because he is unavailable?

 

Just things to contemplate and work through.

[Sarabi]

I know people say that affairs ruin peoples lives and I have always thought that is true and they are such a silly thing to do. But suddenly I find myself in a situation where it's not so black and white and I'm really confused.

Hi,

I know how you feel on so many levels late twenties, university educated...and picky too lol.

But...before you do anything. Read Scattrd's first post on the thread called "Is Cheating Worth This?"(or is an affair worth this) in the personal rants and confessions bit of the site

Here's a link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/375501-cheating-worth

 

Its your life, no one can stop you but honestly...its best for you and everyone involved if you don't. Trust me

[waterwoman]

Erm...how about DON'T! If anything would put me off this forum would.

[Catplates]

Do you feel you are somehow missing the boat because you don't have a guy?

 

It is much better to be alone than to be in and affair, believe me and all the others on this forum who have gone through the pain and turmoil.

 

I am praying that you don't walk down the affair path. If it is your first time, it could damage you forever.

 

Warm Wishes,

 

Cat

[wisernow]

Erm...how about DON'T! If anything would put me off this forum would.

 

^^True^^

 

You can find just about every situation here, from the heartbreaking, to the bizarre, some fiction and nonfiction alike. One thing is for sure though, most OW think their story is unique and special, that there is no way the MM will ever screw them over, but sadly, as most find out, that isn't the case. Then, head over to the infidelity boards and read up on the aftermath that affairs cause the BS and the children.

 

Why would you want to be a part of hurting others, and why would you want your first sexual experience to be with an old man who is actively f'ing his wife too? Its obvious that you value your virginity, so why give it so cheaply to a man who is just using you for sex? There are many single men who would be honored to be with a woman like you.

[Mount]

I am not saying lafleur should go ahead proceeding affair with the elder MM right away, but she already said in the post she had dates and she was just not interested. And I am sure lafleur is attractive enough based on the backgroud she had described.

 

Unfortunately the attraction between two people can not be measured, when it happens it happens. And also I don't see lafleur is saying that she wants the MM leaves wife, later maybe, but right now lafleur just wants to have a connection and wants to get closer with the MM.

 

You say there is nothing wrong with you and that you are picky when it comes to dating.

 

So you picked an old MAN who needs a bottle of Viagra to get it half way up and who also happens to be married. :laugh:

 

Now that is been real selective.

 

Are you out of your freaking mind?

 

As to why you like the old man: You like him because he gives you the type of attention you don't get from single men. PLease read the stories of the average OWs in the board. Other than LFH, most have horror stories. You are about to destroy your life and will be on the hook with this old man for years to come. Before you know it you will be over 40 single, and with no options. NO chance at ever having a family.

 

Good luck!

 

 

By the way, there is nothing wrong with waiting for Mr Right to have sex, so don't get down on the virginity issue.

[Mount]

Yes it is ok. Sorry, I don't quite understand your question...what were you trying to say behind your questoin?

 

Yes, I don't ever think I said I break up, it was "we" break up, but in reality sometimes we choose to stay where we are, or not. Everything is a conscious behavior.

 

I never am intending to whine as victim. Let me say it again - everything/consequence is from conscious mindset/decision - even though I would feel uncomfortable/painful sometime.

 

Back to lafleur, she has to be involved with the MM then she could have unhappiness due to the situation. It is her call anyway.

 

So just because she has an attraction for him........it's OK?? Really mount?

 

How many times have you been here and said, "I'm breaking up with him" but yet nothing ever changes?

[wisernow]

Yes it is ok. Sorry, I don't quite understand your question...what were you trying to say behind your questoin?

 

Yes, I don't ever think I said I break up, it was "we" break up, but in reality sometimes we choose to stay where we are, or not. Everything is a conscious behavior.

 

I never am intending to whine as victim. Let me say it again - everything/consequence is from conscious mindset/decision - even though I would feel uncomfortable/painful sometime.

 

Back to lafleur, she has to be involved with the MM then she could have unhappiness due to the situation. It is her call anyway.

 

I'm really (honestly, no snark intended) surprised that you'd not be giving advice to not take the route you have, mount. She isn't in an affair really, and you've been taken for a ride with countless breakups and up and downs. Imagine if the OP was your daughter, niece or trusted friend. With all the negative affair experience you've lived through, why would you push her in that direction, especially given her somewhat unique situation?

[Mount]

I did have laid out in my post that if she is proceeding to seek connection with the MM, she might have uncomfortable sitution/pain...etc due to the obvious relationship being up and down, break-up or reunite. There is not rocky science, and actually it is common sense that everything is having negative side along with the postive side of it.

 

Initially I made the A happening in my case because I had admiration/love/whatever you call to the MM as well that is why we are where are now.

 

While getting the result that I wanted, to have relationship/connection with MM, the uncomfortable situation is unavoidably as the "bonus" togehter coming along.

 

So basically it would be original poster's call, to get it or not get it.

 

I'm really (honestly, no snark intended) surprised that you'd not be giving advice to not take the route you have, mount. She isn't in an affair really, and you've been taken for a ride with countless breakups and up and downs. Imagine if the OP was your daughter, niece or trusted friend. With all the negative affair experience you've lived through, why would you push her in that direction, especially given her somewhat unique situation?