Thinking about having an affair

[Pierre]

At this point this thread is pretty much finished, as I can clearly see that getting involved with MM is a terrible idea. It was really useful to talk about it here, and there's a good possibility I would have made a different choice today if I hadn't had the opportunity to talk it through here first. It really helped me realize it was a bad idea, so thanks so much to everyone

 

Pierre - I appreciated your input, so this is not a criticism in any way, but you're wrong about linking everything back to external validation. I wasn't "impressed" MM gave me a ride in his car - my point was that it's nice to have someone look out for you sometimes and take the pressure off. That's a fairly normal part of any friendship or relationship. I would have felt the same way if it had been a female friend that had done that, but the point is that taking over in times of crisis or just generally being on the lookout for someone most often happens in romantic relationships. It's a nice thing, no? Doesn't everyone want that?

 

I just don't see how my last post shows low self esteem or weakness? The post was about what most people would consider normal/healthy gender roles and taking comfort in letting a guy take the lead now and again. What's the point of a relationship if I don't actually need the man for anything? 99% of men want to feel needed in a relationship. They *want* to be the protector and the provider. It wasn't talking about older married men, I was talking about men in general. I'm fairly sure most guys don't want to be emasculated in their relationships. I've seen strong female friends do this and it never works. They guy leaves to go elsewhere were he feels he's needed and can be the "man". Anyway, I like your input Pierre, you've just gotta get a new line

 

You were very impressed with the ride in the car, but I have to agree with you. All of us like some sort of validation. Like everything these things in excess can become a problem.

 

What you have experienced is normal. When men and women are together for a long time it is natural to develop feelings. That is why the workplace is so fertile for affairs.

 

When I was first married I used to have a lot of close female friendships to get my validation. I was the guy they could talk to and reveal their innermost secrets. I did not want to have a physical affair, but it took me a long time to realize I was having many EAs to sooth my need to be validated. I know how it feels. Somehow, I always put the brakes on and I hope you do too.

[SoleMate]

In terms of what Mount said about not being able to help who you're attracted to, this is correct.

Sorry, I must take strong exception to this statement! If you find you are always attracted to the most unsuitable, damaging "partners" (aka cheating MM, drug addicts, abusers, deadbeats, pathological liars, narcissists and con artists), and you reject any potential partners who do not have those problems, then that is a problem.

 

Once you recognize it as a problem, you can go get help and improve your cognition, recognize the dangers, and change your thinking by challenging the many mental constructs that cause you to be attracted to those who will hurt you. Then you will be able to help who you're attracted to.

 

The fatalism about how you must succumb to an MM becasue you have no choice is just one more cognitive dysfunction. It is not true.

[beyond]

At this point this thread is pretty much finished, as I can clearly see that getting involved with MM is a terrible idea. It was really useful to talk about it here, and there's a good possibility I would have made a different choice today if I hadn't had the opportunity to talk it through here first. It really helped me realize it was a bad idea, so thanks so much to everyone

 

Pierre - I appreciated your input, so this is not a criticism in any way, but you're wrong about linking everything back to external validation. I wasn't "impressed" MM gave me a ride in his car - my point was that it's nice to have someone look out for you sometimes and take the pressure off. That's a fairly normal part of any friendship or relationship. I would have felt the same way if it had been a female friend that had done that, but the point is that taking over in times of crisis or just generally being on the lookout for someone most often happens in romantic relationships. It's a nice thing, no? Doesn't everyone want that?

 

I just don't see how my last post shows low self esteem or weakness? The post was about what most people would consider normal/healthy gender roles and taking comfort in letting a guy take the lead now and again. What's the point of a relationship if I don't actually need the man for anything? 99% of men want to feel needed in a relationship. They *want* to be the protector and the provider. It wasn't talking about older married men, I was talking about men in general. I'm fairly sure most guys don't want to be emasculated in their relationships. I've seen strong female friends do this and it never works. They guy leaves to go elsewhere were he feels he's needed and can be the "man". Anyway, I like your input Pierre, you've just gotta get a new line

 

So glad you have thought this through and realised what a bad idea this would be for you. If you start to weaken - post again! I wish I'd found this forum a bit earlier than I did when I started reconnecting with an ex who had got married since we had last gone out. By the time I started posting, I was in an emotional affair with him, though I probably didn't want to admit it. Thankfully, it didn't turn physical or I know I would have found it extremely hard to get over - it was tough enough anyway.

 

I do understand about the driving thing. It is not about being impressed or validation - no disrespect Pierre. Maybe it's an 'Independant woman' thing. After making decisions all day long in my job and paying my bills etc myself, it is a real relief for someone else to 'take charge' in some small way.

 

I think it's time for you to broaden your horizons - hobbies/new places to go etc and have fun meeting lots of single men

 

xx

[Elfie]

Lafleur - please please please read my posts and threads - (especially my last one) I am not suggesting your MM will turn out to be the lowlife mine did 9and the fact that your MM actually talked when he took you for coffee rather than pawed you, suggests he is more decent than mine) BUT grief really can change your thought process - and I'm 8 months later I am at the stage where I am worried I might not be "me" anymore.

 

**Hugs**

[LadyGrey]

I did not PIERRE!!! Stop it! Anyone would think I had never been in a car the way you describe it. It was MAGICAL!!! Geeeez :lmao:

 

Most of us get exactly what you were talking about..........I guess you have to be a woman to "get it". It's not about being impressed about the ride, it's about everything being on your shoulders because you are an independent woman and the ride symbolized, not having to be in charge.

 

lafleur........I'm glad you see what a train wreck ahead if you went on with this would be, but still........there is still something you must do. Do not feed the attraction. You've got to be strong, avoid him, do not interact with him unless you must for business. A big rule that I now try to go by.........is do not bull**** thyself.

[Elfie]

I might be making too much of this car business too, but it means he is in control - in the driving seat so to speak, and tha fact that it makes you feel good to lose your independence might not be good in an OW/MM situation - my experience has taught me how vulnerable that can make the OW.

 

Just my experience though

[lafleur]

Thank you LadyGray, beyond & Elfie! If I ever get tempted again I'll just distract myself by fantasizing about what make of car Pierre might drive luv you Pierre!

Edited February 25, 2013 by lafleur

[Pierre]

I think his marriage is one of convenience. I don't think he has any plans to ever get divorced, but from what I can tell his wife is not the love of his life and, while I know they do some things together (go to dinner etc.), I don't think they have an emotionally intimate relationship. She's a companion, not a lover. I'm nearly certain that if he could turn back the clock 30 years, he would not marry her. I think he thought at the time that chemistry would grow between them, but it just never did.

 

I understand why he wouldn't want to leave his wife at his stage in life and have to start dealing with splitting up finances, homes etc, especially when there's nothing actually wrong with his marriage, it just isn't all he wanted it to be (that's life, I guess.) It's just easier and more comfortable to stay married - I completely understand that for him at his age.

 

 

OK, I will accept that her remarks about the car ride were not true "OW speak".

 

But, La Fleur also said the above. A so called gentleman never reveals intimate details of his current or prior relationships. The so called gentleman gave Le Fleur the standard "my marriage sucks" talk right out of the Cheater's MM manual and La Fleur bought all of it.

 

And why mention the car ride?

 

In any event, this is all water under the bridge. La Fleur now has all the info to determine MM is not truly a friend, but just an old guy that wants a young woman on the side.

[lafleur]

Oh my, this is like the thread that just won't die, but just to clarify.... he never actually did discuss his marriage with me. It's just little things that I've picked up on over the past 3 years. Subtle things that happily married men don't usually say. Actually, I asked him once if he wanted to talk about his marriage and he shut me down. So he *is* still a gentleman.

[Pierre]

Oh my, this is like the thread that just won't die, but just to clarify.... he never actually did discuss his marriage with me. It's just little things that I've picked up on over the past 3 years. Subtle things that happily married men don't usually say. Actually, I asked him once if he wanted to talk about his marriage and he shut me down. So he *is* still a gentleman.

 

No, you have it wrong.

 

Those subtle things are said to groom you as a potential OW. It is very obvious he is grooming you and you do not mind this at all because you want attention. If you were not receptive you would not be here posting.

 

But, you must be congratulated because you are now applying the brakes. Otherwise, you were about to make the biggest mistake of your life.

 

Asking him to talk about such personal things means you wanted to be more emotionally connected. You need to monitor yourself a bit. I used to do this all the time and some women are very receptive.

[ComingInHot]

LaFleur;

I recommend going back through these pages of comments (including your own responses) and read them as an outside observer.

I didn't even have to read past the second page to see that you are considering giving your Vrgnty to a MARRIED MAN because you are attracted to him and think it's time to lose the V stamped on your forehead.

 

Doesn't that sound kind of silly for a 30 year old?

 

I mean that kindly by the way*

[lafleur]

Hello ComingInHot - yes I totally agree with you - it's the dumbest idea I've ever had This forum was actually really useful in helping me to quickly sort out my thoughts in a more organized way and come to that conclusion before I went ahead and did something I would regret.

 

And while we're on the topic of how this forum is actually very useful, I think it's important to highlight that it's not right to criticize someone who has taken the time to read through posts and then post a reply of their own. It does take time and effort, and without that this forum wouldn't exist.

 

Mount - even if you don't like what Pierre has to say, you can't criticize him for the number of times he posts. He's not spamming, and personally I don't think he posts excessively anyway. He's taking time out of his day to contribute his opinion. That should be applauded. Moreover, regular contributions from the same people who are actively following a thread are typically more useful that random, one-off posts anyway.

 

You wrote "Happy married person will never spend so much time here in this forum......so you figure" and I just don't think that is very kind or constructive. For all we know Pierre owns the LS forum, or he's made his millions and enjoys spending his days helping others! There's a million reasons why Pierre might be a regular contributor, and you cant criticize him for that. In fact, your comment discourages others from participating too actively because we might be seen as "unhappily married" !?!? and that threatens the entire purpose and usefulness of this forum in the first place.

Edited February 26, 2013 by lafleur

[carhill]

OP, glad to read you sorted this. I dealt with something similar, though not with an older MP, back when I was a virgin and it haunted me for many years.

 

My advice would be, if you find yourself thinking of this man while engaged in NC, and this goes on for months, get some professional help. What could be happening while preoccupied with this person, as you've apparently been for a couple of years, even if in a lesser way, is that you're sending out 'signals' which preclude otherwise healthy interest from/to single, available and otherwise attractive men. The process is a bit different for a woman than a man, as are the effects, since it's generally men approaching women for romance and sex, but the dynamic remains similar, in that healthy potentials can be 'missed'.

 

Good luck.

[blindotter]

And then I worry by next week I'll be right back in the same spot consumed with being alone and looking for an immediate solution.

 

I wanted to respond to this, because it seems like the whole affair idea has been sorted properly - to find happiness in a relationship, ironically, you have to create or establish a good relationship with yourself. Do things that you like, go on adventures, take risks. Do things that you are afraid of doing, things that do not necessarily have clear-cut outcomes that you can reliably expect to happen. Get to know who you are. Travel alone, you can meet fascinating people. make a list of t he qualities you would like in a partner and become someone that you would enjoy spending time with. face your fears.