Why are women more forgiving towards horrible treatment?

[samsungxoxo]

Lately this has me wondering. It seems that more women seem to be more tolerant towards abuse or any type of really bad behavior.

 

I'm willing to bet that if a man was treated like garbage, he would leave the following day. If not, then he wouldn't put up with it for more than a month or so.

 

Is this because more levels of empathy is found on our brains? Is low esteem just something more common in women than men?

 

I wouldn't even put up with getting spat in the face nor insulted. My mind would immediately be telling me ''Hells nope, I'm way better than what he's treating me as, goodbye''.

[samsungxoxo]

Sometimes it disappoints that my own gender doesn't want something better.

Most of the time it's us this happens to: being either spring along (years in gf status...man never wanting to married us), getting abused and still staying with that lowlife, cheated, etc. Yet, most of these women still put up with for years.

 

When do you hear about a man put up with that bs for years or still being with a woman that doesn't love him enough to commit to him? He wouldn't. This is making me think that in that aspect maybe more men are logically. The logic part of the brain is being used instead of focusing too much on empathy and feelings.

[Woggle]

I see what some of the guys who are married or in relationships put up with and I must disagree with you. There are plenty of men who get crapped on and keep coming back for more. If you ask nobody with an ounce of self respect should put up with being treated that way.

[Taramere]

Lately this has me wondering. It seems that more women seem to be more tolerant towards abuse or any type of really bad behavior.

 

I'm willing to bet that if a man was treated like garbage, he would leave the following day. If not, then he wouldn't put up with it for more than a month or so.

 

Is this because more levels of empathy is found on our brains? Is low esteem just something more common in women than men?

 

I wouldn't even put up with getting spat in the face nor insulted. My mind would immediately be telling me ''Hells nope, I'm way better than what he's treating me as, goodbye''.

 

You could blame fairytales like Cinderella for encouraging a passive, martyred response to abusive treatment as the "feminine" response. Or empathy for encouraging people to take too much responsibility for other people's volatile moods and behaviours. Or low self esteem for being too hesitant in laying down personal boundaries.

 

I think when a person has spent some time in an abusive environment, their ability to "manage" it can become part of their identity. A source of some pride, even. "I am strong...I am good at dealing with difficult people....this is my talent, this is my calling in life." There might also be a certain skepticism regarding the existence of non abusive relationships, among people who have become normalised to abuse.

 

Then there's the fact that some people can be very articulate and persuasive when it comes to arguing that others should tolerate what amounts to abusive behaviour from them. In that sense, a certain amount of timidity and sheeplike inability to challenge other people's views and perceptions might play a role.

[M30USA]

My own experiences and observations are the exact opposite of the OP's. I think you might be right if you're talking about prior generations, but the tides have turned in our generation (those 30 or younger). I see more men catering and cow-towing to women, without reciprocation, than the other way around.

Edited February 23, 2013 by M30USA

[Radu]

They do seem more willing to take abuse in relationships than men.

 

You could blame fairytales like Cinderella for encouraging a passive, martyred response to abusive treatment as the "feminine" response. Or empathy for encouraging people to take too much responsibility for other people's volatile moods and behaviours. Or low self esteem for being too hesitant in laying down personal boundaries.

 

 

Women by default seem to be more passive, more willing to take the support role and the nurturing role.

I think Cinderella comes from this almost built in role.

I don't think changing the makeup of our society will change this too much, i suspect it's all rooted in biology.

[M30USA]

Women by default seem to be more passive, more willing to take the support role and the nurturing role.

I think Cinderella comes from this almost built in role.

I don't think changing the makeup of our society will change this too much, i suspect it's all rooted in biology.

 

Well then slap me sideways! I really found the exception. Woe is me!

[Taramere]

They do seem more willing to take abuse in relationships than men.

 

Women by default seem to be more passive, more willing to take the support role and the nurturing role.

I think Cinderella comes from this almost built in role.

I don't think changing the makeup of our society will change this too much, i suspect it's all rooted in biology.

 

There's endless focus, in this site and no doubt many others like it, on people wanting society to change in a way that will resolve their own personal conflicts and problems. One conflict for women is that like you say, there's an expectation coupled with a drive, to a certain degree (a drive which I would agree probably far more women have than don't have) to support and nurture others. Men have it too, but it comes out in them in more of a protective guardian type way.

 

That drive to nurture is obviously related to caring for children which globally is still a role which is predominantly taken up by women. As well as nurturing children we have to discipline them. Especially as they get older. This conflict hit me when I worked with adolescents residentially in my twenties - and I bet it's a conflict lots of people can identify with. You go into a role like that because you want to nurture, but you're faced with this really huge task of trying to maintain discipline and routine. Selfless, passive, crap-taking martyrs are not going to peform well in that task.

 

And whether or not a woman wants to take on that disciplinarian task, if she has kids then sooner or later she's going to find herself in that role where the ability to kick asses into touch when necessary is as important as the ability to nurture. As well as having to discipline her kids, she needs to be able to protect them.

 

As far as fairytales go, Snow White is probably a better role model for young girls. She had a tough break courtesy of a jealous stepmother, but managed to persuade the woodsman tasked with killing to give her a second chance by just abandoning her to fend for herself. So she found a refuge and did a deal with the people running it that she would work for them in exchange for board, lodging and protection. It was a fair arrangement between consenting adults (Snow White and the dwarves) who treated eachother with mutual respect.

 

In both fairytales female stereotypes abound obviously, but with Cinderella, work is associated with drudgery and abuse - whereas with Snow White people are working willingly, with purpose, for mutual benefit and generally taking a pride in what they do. As opposed to being selfless martyrs exploited by others. Biology doesn't necessarily decree that martyred, abused and put upon Cinderella must be the role model, and she's probably one of the most negative role models of all the fairytales.

Edited February 23, 2013 by Taramere

[Ladybugz]

good topic even thou i wonder if they really forgive or just keep taking ****

and explode (u see the consequences later)later..

[Silly_Girl]

From my point of view I was raised to always try and see 2 sides of any story. I believed empathy ruled. I believed it was a sign of maturity and kindness and when someone with a personality disorder set me as his target I couldn't see the wood for the trees. He'd had a very sad childhood, he was a victim, he was doing his best, blah blah blah.

 

He was a master manipulator and I was ripe for the taking. I soon became 'de-skilled' and had a self-worth of zero.

 

I look back now and I am FURIOUS with myself. My empathy levels have plummeted. My counsellor implores me to have empathy for the girl I was, it is clear how it all happened and how vulnerable I was when I met the guy, etc. All I feel is anger and if anything in my life so much as whispered anything that crossed the line they'd be out so quick their feet wouldn't touch the floor.

 

I think the role models also make a huge difference. My mum played victim a lot and had low boundaries and I had no other examples to look to. I thought suffering in a relationship was pretty normal. Now I feel extremely differently.

[todreaminblue]

Lately this has me wondering. It seems that more women seem to be more tolerant towards abuse or any type of really bad behavior.

 

I'm willing to bet that if a man was treated like garbage, he would leave the following day. If not, then he wouldn't put up with it for more than a month or so.

 

Is this because more levels of empathy is found on our brains? Is low esteem just something more common in women than men?

 

I wouldn't even put up with getting spat in the face nor insulted. My mind would immediately be telling me ''Hells nope, I'm way better than what he's treating me as, goodbye''.

 

 

i have a problem with the fact people think women who cop and forgive abuse have low self esteem, its not the case, sometimes it is fear a lot of the time it is harder to forgive someone than hate their guts......it is holding the person with bad behavior accountable for sure but forgiving.....self esteem comes from self not from another's actions......i look at it like i have behaved badly i have made mistakes some of them horrendous...but ultimately that makes em the same, i mightnt have hurt anyone a mistake is a mistake....people sin differently...that is why i forgive...i want forgiveness when i stuff up....unfortunately...humans stuff up every oen fo us...i dont have low self esteem, i dont like myself sometimes..doesnt everyoen go through this?....thats no one elses fault.....i see the good in me......forgiving myself is harder than forgiving someone else...and on good days with no voices in my head i am happy and bubbly and yes i forgive myself for being the way i am...forgiving others i find more rewarding than holding onto a grudge that twists me into a way bitter replicant of who or what they are....i choose forgiveness because thats what i get .that makes forgiveness for others rewarding...its the right thing to do....deb

[Emilia]

Sometimes it disappoints that my own gender doesn't want something better.

Most of the time it's us this happens to: being either spring along (years in gf status...man never wanting to married us), getting abused and still staying with that lowlife, cheated, etc. Yet, most of these women still put up with for years.

 

When do you hear about a man put up with that bs for years or still being with a woman that doesn't love him enough to commit to him? He wouldn't. This is making me think that in that aspect maybe more men are logically. The logic part of the brain is being used instead of focusing too much on empathy and feelings.

 

I agree that women do this more than men, you can see it in the Dating section here on LS. Women are more prone to building sand castles too and stay in 'relationships' where the men barely pay attention to them. They are also more likely to stay in a marriage where the man cheated, rather than the other way round.

 

I think it is passivity, lack of confidence to stand on their own two feet and lack of boundaries. It's a broad issue, many women appear to wait for the men to make decisions regarding the relationship. You will see frequently that they post 'But I gave him the chance to end it and he still hasn't done so. Why?' rather than to take responsibility for their lives themselves. It's very sad.

[carhill]

Lately this has me wondering. It seems that more women seem to be more tolerant towards abuse or any type of really bad behavior.

 

IME, they are more tolerant of such aspects with men they are strongly attracted to and/or emotionally bonded with. This is often strengthened by FOO socialization where such abuse is their roadmap of 'love'.

 

Over the decades I've been set back on my heels by the physical and verbal/emotional abuse some women take. When I was younger, there was a strong impetus to 'save' them and show them another path of love. Long experience taught that is a fruitless pursuit. Often it would result in them turning their abuse onto myself. So much for the 'empathetic gender'. No thanks.

[ReflectionI]

Is this because more levels of empathy is found on our brains? Is low esteem just something more common in women than men?

Apparently. What good does empathy do if you're going to be like that to people that treat you badly?

 

Women being with abuser? Stop feeling sorry for them. Stop focusing on nurturing them or fixing them. Work on becoming an alpha female, not a weak beta that gets stepped on.

[mortensorchid]

You have to keep in mind this when talking about abuse: The one who is being hit / abused is confusing love or what should be love with a sense of security or familiarity. When we outside of the situation ask why they stay with someone who treats them like garbage, they usually will use the excuse of finances, the ultimate security. Chances are there isn't even security in that.

 

Unfortunately there is no one answer to let a person break free of the situation until that person is ready to do so. And when they do, they may not stay free of the abuser completely. The abuser keeps coming back because they want to control the other person.

 

It's a vicious cycle, one that will never be fully understood or broken.

[summerdowling87]

My mother was abused by my father. He would slap her around and pull fist fulls of hair from her head.

 

My mom saw my grand father treat her mom(my grandma) like this all her life she thought it was normal.

 

One night the police was called after he beat her badly.

 

She only left him cause he was going to kill me I was an infant and my brother who was 1 at the time.

 

My father was arrested that night she left him and never went back (thank god)

 

24 yrs later my father is still a drunk dead beat w/6 kids he never see

 

Long story short my mom never got help and that when I think she put up w/my father. But one she got therapy she never again was abused.

[summerdowling87]

Also it's not all ways woman a famous case to me is.

 

The Gosselin's Kate was very emotionally abusive to Jon and sometimes physically abusive.

 

My brother has an emotionally abusive wife and ex girlfriend. His wife calls him all sorts of horrible names and puts him down.

 

But it's how our father treated our mother. I hope one day he wakes up.

[samsungxoxo]

You have to keep in mind this when talking about abuse: The one who is being hit / abused is confusing love or what should be love with a sense of security or familiarity. When we outside of the situation ask why they stay with someone who treats them like garbage, they usually will use the excuse of finances, the ultimate security. Chances are there isn't even security in that.

Still, even getting called derrogative terms would be enough for me to conclude that man doesn't love nor respects me.

 

I just don't see myself staying with someone that doesn't care about my well-being nor feelings. The very moment I have to even fear his reaction, is the time I'm long gone.

[robaday]

I dont agree with this post at all. Statistically more men suffer abuse in relationships than women. Even worse they are less likely to report it.

 

I dated a girl awhile back who after the breakup told me if she saw me she would punch me in the face. I replied and said she was sending threatening messages and freaking me out, she replied that i was a wuss and needed counselling...........thats an extreme example, but essentially weakness in men is widely condemned.

 

Watch how many times in movies when a woman strikes a man across the face, its normally supposed to be funny, or because "he deserves it".........just see how this is widely accepted in society and not taken seriously.

 

I feel for both men and women who suffer abuse in relationships, it is truly horrific, but I really dont think men nor women are more forgiving, abuse is not gender specific

[samsungxoxo]

Watch how many times in movies when a woman strikes a man across the face, its normally supposed to be funny, or because "he deserves it".........just see how this is widely accepted in society and not taken seriously.

I think it's because he isn't really in immediate danger as in ''Omg, what is she going to do next, she's going to kill me if I don't get out''. Usually that's the case: she is acting like an immature child with a tantrum that doesn't get what he/she wants or her message is something like ''back off, leave me alone'' type but not really to want to fight you. I know... stupid logic but that's the closest I can come up with. Off course there are exceptions (certain may escalate) but generally that's what it is, a ''get lost jerk'' type of response.

 

With men, when they slap a gf or wife, not only is it scary and can most more damages but most of the time they can escalate to a punch or worst the next time it happens. Hence the advice most abused women receive ''Leave, if he hits you once he'll do it again'' and it end up happening about 98% of the times.

 

Needless to say, that ex gf of yours was wrong for delivering that message. Be happy she is your ex. That was crazy.

Edited March 29, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[tbf]

Women by default seem to be more passive, more willing to take the support role and the nurturing role.

I think Cinderella comes from this almost built in role.

I don't think changing the makeup of our society will change this too much, i suspect it's all rooted in biology.

I disagree. Women are nurtured through social conditioning, that they're responsible for the emotional well-being of the relationship.

 

If biology plays into this, it's less the nurturing instinct and more the lesser physical strength. If someone larger, stronger and more aggressive comes at you, you play dead to survive.