FocusStrider Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Hello, I am new here. Just surfed the post and see that this community may can help with what I am dealing with right now... Let's begin with my long story. Here it is... I am in early 30's. I just graduated from college with two bachelor's degree. I am also Deaf, but that's not the point... let's just skip on that. Last semester, while I was at internship in Virginia, I got an Facebook message from a young lady in her early 20's (before you get all crazy over me about age...wait until you finish reading my story first.) asking to meet me because she watched the documentary that included me talking about my challenges being a Deaf person in a hearing college. I agreed, thought it probably don't mean anything. We talked through Facebook for a little awhile for a month before we finally met. (we went to same college, but i never met her until now). After the first meeting, it wasn't awkward as I thought it would be because she doesn't know sign language and I do.. so I have to really slow myself down and start teaching her sign language. (she also takes sign language class as well) Let me tell you something about her. Despite our huge age gap differences, she seemed attracted to me. She kept looking at me and we would talk about basically everything. We became friends so easily, and I thought "Friends, just what I needed". I said that because I don't want to do any farther more than friends due to many past reasons. (her age is one of the reasons, besides I wasn't interested into her). Later, we would meet every Tuesday and Thursday mornings over coffee so I can help her with signing, and now here comes the interesting part. As soon as we start meeting more often, she talked about inviting me to watch her play next Sunday (March 3). Although the play doesn't have an interpreter, she encouraged me to go anyways, and I agreed because I thought I'd be there to support her. I thought that doesn't hurt. Besides she already went on and get an interpreter for me. But what really bothers me is that the way she showed me... she is clearly interested into me. The way she talked around me...the way she introduced me to her friends...clearly implied she is interested. I know she has issues with her ex and they just broke up and obviously she's in her 20's. I asked if she is leading me on because I'm not going to be interested into her if she is trying to lead me on, and she asked me the same thing! Confused as heck, I told her I am not thinking about anything other than friends, that's where I decided to be cautious. But, I started to have a little feeling for her and told her I like her. I also mentioned to her that it's just a liking situation, and she took it very well. Then, she proceed to give me hard time every time we meet (friendly rivalry) and it is fun. But what stinks is that she didn't know I am currently fighting my feelings for her and trying to be her friend. I thought about stopping the coffee meet until I get my feelings for her to go away, but I couldn't. If I am not interested into her like that, then why do I have a feeling for her? That doesn't make any sense. so, here I am. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Apolodor Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Maybe you were just afraid of being rejected when you told her that you wanted to be just friends. You should examine your feelings for her and make sure she understands exactly how you would like things to progress. There is the danger of getting into the "friend zone" and then it will be pretty hard for her to see you in a different role. Strike the iron while it's hot...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FocusStrider Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Maybe you were just afraid of being rejected when you told her that you wanted to be just friends. You should examine your feelings for her and make sure she understands exactly how you would like things to progress. There is the danger of getting into the "friend zone" and then it will be pretty hard for her to see you in a different role. Strike the iron while it's hot...... That is always possible to be afraid of being rejected. Maybe I am, but I am not afraid to ask her out. Yes, I have been looking inside my feelings for her and trying to figure out why I have a feeling for her that way. Next time we meet and if time is right, I'd have to explain everything. There is always a danger of getting into the "friend zone" everywhere you go, and I already know that. I just hope she doesn't think I'm trying to take things farther because that is not what I am trying to do. I just wanted to be her friends at first and see where things go. If we develop attractions from there, great. If not, at least it isn't rushed. The other side of the story, I lend her the books I wrote and she asked me if I don't mind her younger brother to read my stories, I told her sure. Then other day she talked about how she raised in a country and loved it.. as well as talking about gun laws, etc. At least I know I will have to explain one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FocusStrider Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 Well, the update: I told her how i feel about her today. Turned out she doesn't feel the same way for me because she thought I wanted something from her like many other guys who asked her out (which was the problem lately with her..which I didn't realize until she told me today) I didn't ask for a relationship. I told her I wanted to build a relationship.. which means.. I want to start off as friends first and see if there's something going between us in the future, I also told her not to promise anything because I know it's never guaranteed. It was a little awkward at first, but she understood and told me the same thing. After telling me stories about how she was treated badly in the past, I almost felt bad for telling her how I felt....but I told her to just be my friend and then see where things go. (of course, I was extremely disappointed and saddened because we both have SO much in common with a few exceptions). Feeling defeated and knowing I can't do anything about it, I will just move on with my life, but the only thing I am glad about: She finally managed to open up to me and don't want everything to change between us. So, we will continue hanging out like we usually do as good friends. But what's strange is that she got excited and introduced me to her friends.. hugged me so hard and said "I love you", and wanted to go watch some plays, as well as inviting me to some of her plays where she will be in, as well as having dinner and movies later in the summer. That got me a little confused but it doesn't matter because at the end, my heart is just hurting at the same time, I know what I did is a right thing. I can only hope her feelings for me will change in the future, but for now I am focusing on what I need to do and move on since I know I will meet someone special soon. So, I guess I'm being friendzoned. Oh well. life goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FocusStrider Posted April 18, 2013 Author Share Posted April 18, 2013 A update: We are doing very well as good friends so far. We hung out nearly every day and became really close. (we did many things that may sound like we are already dating... minus obvious kisses, holding hands, and things a normal couple who are dating usually do). The more I learned about her, the more I realized why. She had been manipulated, threatened, and taken advantage of by many guys in the past (including her ex and her former director...***she is an acting major at my college***). Which brought up why she got freaked out when I told her I like her (i.e. interested into her). She had to find ways to handle the situation differently, hence why she told me she doesn't feel the same way, it wasn't because that she isn't interested into me. She was afraid I'd take advantage of her. She doesn't mind that I'm interested into her, she likes me a lot too. She is living in a "fear" that I could take advantage of her just like other guys do (because people change, which I agreed) I told her I would never do that and I want her to build a relationship with me, to be able to trust me and feel safe around me. Even if that means we start out as friends first and see where things go, I am open to that. She smiled and she did say that she feels MUCH safer around me and trusts me, as well as feeling comfortable around me hence why we hung out a lot often lately. I'm really happy she trusts me, feels safer and comfortable with me. That's one of my #1 important thing in building a relationship. Now, I know from now and on I'll have to be really careful around her. I did apologize to her for "causing her to freak out", but I also told her that my feelings for her don't change and I'm open to work with her and told her to take her time as well as focus on her college and possible career path and if she wants to start dating again, I'll be more than happy to date her. So, for now I know that I did a right thing asking her to build a relationship with me first (hence being good friends first). This brings me a question: Have you guys ever felt taken advantage of, or being manipulated, or something like that? And how do you dealt with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FocusStrider Posted April 18, 2013 Author Share Posted April 18, 2013 P.S.: Any tips on how to handle a girl like her are welcome. I don't want to do anything I'd regret later. Link to post Share on other sites
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