Does it ever get any better or is it a lost cause?

[rgpgdg]

hi everyone,

first of all i'm seven and half months pregnant with twin girls. my husband came off a business trip and told me while he was gone he had a one night stand. he said he went out and got drunk with his friends and ended up in town at someone'a apartment. he was crying and felt really bad about it and wanted to be honest with me. he says he doesnt know why he did it either. wich i find hard to believe. i almost wish he hadnt told me. of course he says it will never happen again and he is disgusted with himself and wants to win back my trust. its only been two and a half weeks since i have found out and i am just devestated. he is the one person in the world i would have never thought to do this to me. i do know eventually i can trust him again i think because he was so honest but im having alot of trouble getting over it. not an hour goes by that i dont think about it. a part of me thinks if i wasnt pregnant that i would have left but who knows.

 

Does anyone get over the pain and trust issues after something like this?

 

Does there ever come a point to where it doesnt consume your mind day in and day out?

 

 

Right now i am having alot of trouble focusing on anything but this. i have to remind myself to eat sometimes.......................Does it ever get any better if you stay and try to work things out?

[StillHurtin]

I am sorry that you have to deal w/ this, especially being pregnant. How hard this must be on you. First, I want to tell you, take care of yourself, and those baby girls. Make sure you eat. I know when my dh cheated on me I couldn't eat anything and when I did I got sick. I lost a lot of weight but not for a good reason.

Anyhow, my dh had an affair over a year ago and I still find it hard to trust him. It is getting easier but I still don't trust him. Like you, I never thought he would cheat on me.

It does get easier. I know a lot of ppl who have saved their marriage after an A so it can happen. GL and I hope you and your H can work it out and have a good marriage. Oh, and get marriage counseling also.

[Breathe]

Believe it or not you have to praise your husband for coming clean and telling you. He could have kept this to himself and you would have never known otherwise. He definately must be regretting it and hurting to have brought this out in the open.

 

For those betrayed, it's definately painful in everyway. Trust can be earned back through his actions. However, you have to accept the things you can't change - i.e. the past. Whats done is done. Concentrate on the here and now. It does get better with time. Counseling could help you through this. In the mean time, I would be telling the hubby to not put himself in that situation again. No drinking at bars and such - just my .02

[fredrolin]

So your husband cried his eyes out and said he was sorry.

 

How sorry do you think he was when he was thrusting his manhood in and out of a strange woman? Alcohol is never an excuse. Any married man ready to become a father to twin girls is a real immature loser to do what he did.

 

If you forgive him and let him get away with cheating he will only do it again. He will have the upperhand.

 

Sorry to be blunt but this guy sounds like a creep.

[rgpgdg]

things are getting a little easier now. you are right fredrollin that it was extremely immature. and alcohol isnt an excuse. im dont think he will do it again but i gues if he does then he would probally tell me and that would be it. i barely can forgive this one mistake. its not even in my natue to forgive this one but i am. i feel i need to for my own self. i guess i will just play it out and see how things go and go from there......................

[TMCM]

rgpgdg please don't make ANY long term decisions for or against staying married to your H until you let a few months go by. I say this because emotionally based decisions usually come back to bite us later on. In the meantime seek out the services of a competent marriage counselor to help BOTH of you to resolve this blow to you and your marriage. Consider the marriage on probation until further notice.

[rgpgdg]

thats true about emotion decisions. we are probally going to marriage counceling too but i'm not sure. i probally need it the most now anyway to try and get through this. to try and understand why he did it too. and at this time. i am pretty sure we can get through this but its going to take alot of work on both our parts. i do forgive him but i will never forget and it doesnt mean for sure i can get over this. so im just going to take some time to see what happens......thanks for listening everyone...............

[Resentment]

My wife got emotionally involved with a co-worker. Our marriage was not the best. A lot of fighting. He kinda preyed on her when her chips were down.

 

One night when they were walking out to their cars after work he kissed her. she did not pull away.

 

I found out 2 days later from cell phone bills that she was talking to him.

 

A least your H had the balls to tell you the truth. With my wife it was lie after lie.

 

It has been 11 weeks since and I know the cancerous pain that you are feeling.

 

What your H had was sex with no attachment. My W was emotional about this guy.

 

The pain comes and goes hang in there. Time will tell.

 

R

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by Resentment

My wife got emotionally involved with a co-worker. Our marriage was not the best. A lot of fighting. He kinda preyed on her when her chips were down.

 

One night when they were walking out to their cars after work he kissed her. she did not pull away.

 

I found out 2 days later from cell phone bills that she was talking to him.

 

A least your H had the balls to tell you the truth. With my wife it was lie after lie.

 

It has been 11 weeks since and I know the cancerous pain that you are feeling.

 

What your H had was sex with no attachment. My W was emotional about this guy.

 

The pain comes and goes hang in there. Time will tell.

 

R

 

You post sounds like what I went through. My H was emotional involved w/ a co-worker also. Our marriage was not the best, a lot of fighting. She also preyed on him when his chips were down. My H would tell her that our marriage wasn't good and that he was unhappy. She fed off this. She knew that he was out for some attention, love, b/c he wasn't getting it at home (b/c he was verbally and in years past physically abusive, WTH would I give him attention and love???) One night after work she asked him to take her riding around b/c she needed to talk to him. She told him she was attractive to him and kissed him. I also found her home phone number on his cell.

He filed for a D shortly after I found the phone number. Said he wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, and wanted me to find someone who would treat me right. He may have treated her right at first but eventually he would of turned into his true self and she would of dumped his a$$ but he dumped her b/c he wanted to get back w/ me. Still working on this marriage and sometimes I really wonder if it's worth saving.

[JumpRun]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.........particulary now you're pregnant with precious twins. I'm speaking from personal experience only, but my experience goes hand-in-hand with what I've been told time and time again.........once a cheat always a cheat. I regret, with all my heart and soul, for letting my wife's indiscretion seven years ago slip by...........now that it is happening again. Save both you and your twins well-being from this bum in the future.................my thoughts and prayers.

[prinkle]

my husband has been cheating on me he says he wants us to get back to normal and be together till we are old..do i believe him...i dont know what to do im so confused i know i cant go through this pain again ever!!!trying to be strong for the kids, can hardly eat here at the moment ..i wish i had a crystal ball so i can see what happens i know thats cheating but who cares....what you say once a cheat always a cheat is true but can i really give up on 9 years of marriage surely i have to try

[rgpgdg]

I don't know if the saying is true or not. (once a cheat always a cheat) or maybe i just don't want to believe it or not. I do think that a marriage shouldn't be just thrown away without at least trying to make it work. when i have come to a point where i think that i have put my all into it and it still isn't working then i will walk away. all he would have to do is cheat on me again and its over.......the old saying screw me over once shame on you....twice shame on me! as childish as it is sometimes i just want to get him back for what he did. of course i wouldn't being pregnant but once i get my body back in shape he is going to have something to worry about not me.....ha ha...i sure don't have a problem attracting the men.....i won't but i'm just so angry with him. i hate him sometimes for what he did. i think we really do need to go to counseling because i'm more afraid of me self destructing this marriage right now than i am of him doing it. he is depressed for what he did and really disappointed in himself for it. sometimes i feel i am helping him get through it than the other way around. i do know he is truly sorry but hey i'm hurting way more than he is. he needs to hurt for awhile. i'm not putting all the blame on him. we have had some deep talks and i can see where things might have started to go wrong with us. outside influence mainly but no help from me either. he was acting out when he had the one night stand. some days are good and others i just don't know if things are going to work out. he also travels alot so every time he goes i get insecure about everything again.

 

so right now i'm just going to hang in there and see where it goes. i think i am going to do more for myself now and keep busy with my passions too. i'm going to get my own life straight and be there for my children that are coming and me ten year old at home. i'm not going to leave myself in a vulnerable position again...financially and mentally. i'm a stay at home mom and so now is the time for sure to have something under my belt and a back up plan where i'm not the one screwed in the end if something should happen. i'm leaving it all in gods hands right now but this is also driving me to do something with my life for myself. the world is not a lovely place and we don't live in may-berry............................................thanks

[UwouldntBelieveMe]

Just accept what they've done, realize that it's something that THEY did. They really didn't do anything TO you. It's all in your head. Just imagine; If your spouse walked up behind you and kicked you in the coccyx; you probably wouldn't be as angry. I know it's hard now, but believe me if you handle this as a healthy adult, It's not so bad.

 

For some reason people think an EA is the ultimate betrayal. But what about months or years of emotional abandonment? What about the loss of their spouse to a love affair with the unborn? What about the routine subordination men have to endure when their wives suddenly want to bring a new person into the mix. How about the constant denial of affection most husbands suffer from their wives AFTER the kids show up?

 

How about all the ridiculously out of control bursts of anger wives have to deal with day in and day out? Ever wonder what it was about selfish lovemaking that might make married women want to find someone who'll PAY ATTENTION!!? And no it's not okay for you to finish before her. Generally no! What do you all think happens to a woman who's husband is "all work and no play." and guys, Get OFF the DAMN SOFA!!!

 

OP, do you have ANY idea, any HONEST perspective how difficult women become during pregnancy? I suspect he NEEDED an excuse to have an EA because he literally NEEDED the escape. He was a tired man.

 

I'll bet he mentioned a little something about being detached during the act. Probably was really quiet on arrival, maybe a little jittery. But you knew something was off. Your intuition is often right, Not always, but often. He probably started out alright but then slowly at first then Suddenly he was an emotional wtrainwreck with casualties. You were most likely in shock, and the emotions built up of the next hours and days, and then you blow up at him. I hope you didn't hurt yourself too badly. The babies will be just fine. Your birthplan will be great.

 

And of healing, of it getting easier;

 

forgive yourself first. Then and only then will you be able to forgive the erring spouse.

 

Call me what you will

[prinkle]

yes i suppose in some ways you are right dont stop the hurting though...me im going to do the same leave it in gods hands start making a life for myself aswell as my family so if the fall ever comes ill be ready...ill never trust him again...well not t the minute nyway but im going to try he says he can only see a future with me and the kids lets hope he is right i will survive as the song goes..lol..and i will do this even if it kills me ...i run my life no one else good luck all

[Ladyjane14]

I truly don't know if 'once a cheat' is 'always a cheat'. Could be, but if it is then why spin your wheels? Why not just move on with your life? If there can never be trust again in the relationship, then isn't it doomed to failure no matter what you do?

 

I haven't got the experience of dealing with a physical affair. My H was an internet cheater. I can only imagine what you must be going through , and I CAN'T imagine getting that trust back. I think if he had actually had a physical relationship with another woman I would have left him.

 

That said, I still think it might be possible to save the marriage based on the fact that not all marriages end in divorce after an incidence of infidelity. I just don't think that the marriage can be meaningful or emotionally fulfilling without regaining the trust.

 

I think the only way to do that is to do it in an active way. I read a post recently that referred to "love" as a verb. (I really liked that ) And I think "trust" could be treated like that too. A choice to be made daily.

 

It has to start with forgiveness. Either you forgive, or you don't. If you do, I promise you you'll have to remind yourself EVERY DAY that you chose to forgive. You will have to re-choose forgiveness every day. Can you?

 

If you can't, get out. It beats living with someone who is under house-arrest and doing a life sentence for infidelity. He might deserve it, but do you? You can't be happy with someone you can't love. You can't love someone you can't trust. You can't trust someone you can't forgive.

 

It's exhausting to wallow in your own pain everyday. You have to get rid of it. Take your time, but make a decision.

[arcadia]

i think him coming to you and admitting it and saying he was sorry is a big clue that he is not the typical cheating man who plans to make a habit of it. He could've gotten away with it and never told you anything, but it shows true character that he felt bad enough to come clean. that is hard to do.

 

i am not saying he isnt guilty.. but dont write him off just yet.

[prinkle]

thanks lady jane....i have read and re read what you said ...it will take time i know i can forgive him when we aqre together sometimes i forget what has happenned and i couldnt be happier but yes it does come back with a vengeanance...but i am willing to forgive easier said then doen i know i will never forget but i can forgive i have made that chioce to forgive i live each day one at a time i fond it easier that way ..we have talked and talked over our realationship seen where we have been going wrong ..not that it is an excuse for what happenned no way in hell but we seem a hell of a lot closer ...time forgivess and patience will have to do for now ..thanks again

[Ladyjane14]

I'm glad to hear that things are working out for you. I have to agree that I also noticed that I felt better when he was with me. And I have to remind myself to not be reactionary on days when it does "come back with a vengeance".

 

It's weird that the person who hurt you so is the one that you go to for comfort. I had a hard time wrapping my mind around that one!

 

One of the positive things I took from marriage counseling is that I my NEED for reassurance was real and legitimate. And I just couldn't bring myself to ask for it. It made me feel like I was harping on him about what he had done. It made me feel needy and pitiful if I asked.

 

So what we finally came up with is that he should come to me for awhile. If he noticed that I was too quiet, or looked mad about something, or was just not myself, he would come and make some time to talk with me. Because it wasn't that I couldn't talk about the issues, but if I knew that all I wanted was some hand-holding, I couldn't prioritize it as important enough.

 

After awhile, it got better, and I became more comfortable with going to him. Sometimes if I'm really bugged about something, I have to defer it for a day or two to get it worked out in my own mind before we talk about it. That poor man gets all sorts of mixed signals some days!

[prinkle]

lady jane that is such good advice thanks i will certainly try that .....last night we went out to get a new washing machine ..i was feeling a bit mad about the hole thing but decided that if i ad nothing nice to say dont say nothing at all....he then turned to me and said was i ok i seemed a bit quite i just said i was ok just get a bit sad now and then he just said nothing and held my hand thats all i needed a little bit of comfort.....i am going to try this and see how it goes there is no use me spoting over and over about it we have talked and talked about it till there is not much left to say and when i do ask the odd question he is pateint and tell me the answe doesnt get mad ot aggitated at all...i keep thinking about this women but now think what the hell am i thinking about her for she doesnt even deserve that i have to think about me my husband and my chldren she doesnt even come into it...with a little time and patience im sure we will get there but out of this whole thing i have become a stronger person and with or without my husband i can make it in life