Long Distance Love -- possible?

[Lonely Again]

Hello -- here's the quick run-down and I could use some advice. I started to date someone who lives about two hours away from me in New York City (sometimes four hous if traffic is bad) and we would go out maybe twice a month until all of sudden it became serious. She wanted to see me more, and I wanted to see her more and we tried it for a couple months, every weekend, but I just broke it off a few days ago because I am having a hard time seeing myself getting more into this relationship while she is so far away.

 

Basically, she feels so far away from me -- I had a death in the family a couple weeks ago and because I work real late, it was simply impossible for me to go and stop by her place and just get a hug. She doesn't drive so she can't come and see me. I do work a lot of crazy hours and get real tired driving back and forth. If I had my way, I would want this woman in my life if she lived closer, but we've only been going out for 6 months and I am still getting to know her. To make things worse, I am going to moving for work even farther away, which would make the whole drive about 5 hours.

 

I feel like this is something I can't sustain and I told her that a week ago and it is basically over. But I really miss the girl and wish she could be with me. Am I wrong to think that long-distance makes love too distant? Am I selfish to want someone who lives closer to me? Part of me thinks that if a relationship is to work, it has to make sense to me, and this just doesn't seem to make any sense. I basically have found a great woman in an absolutely horrible distance situation. Any thoughts? I really am second-guessing myself.

[Tony T]

You're right on target. You seem to have a very practical way of thinking. Long distance relationships can be very tough, if not impossible. If you are going to be five hours away from this lady, there is simply no chance it could work. There are so many needs that both people have that can't be served with such a geographical distance.

 

I wouldn't write her off entirely. You just never know what may happen in life. Your work circumstances could change...or she could miss you so much she could decide to move near your new workplace.

 

But anything drastic aside, you are correct that without a great bond of together time spent over a long period, a long distance would simply not work out or be fulfilling for either of you.

 

It's much better to for both of you to be free to pursue more geographically desireable relationships.

[Again]

You're right on target. You seem to have a very practical way of thinking. Long distance relationships can be very tough, if not impossible. If you are going to be five hours away from this lady, there is simply no chance it could work. There are so many needs that both people have that can't be served with such a geographical distance. I wouldn't write her off entirely. You just never know what may happen in life. Your work circumstances could change...or she could miss you so much she could decide to move near your new workplace. But anything drastic aside, you are correct that without a great bond of together time spent over a long period, a long distance would simply not work out or be fulfilling for either of you.

 

It's much better to for both of you to be free to pursue more geographically desireable relationships.

Tony--

 

thanks for the words my friend. Unfortunately, she's in a situation where she can't move for another couple years either. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so practical.

[Annie]

Don't know if this is of any help or not, but here goes anyway. I've been doing some reading and studying about relationships lately, and why so many of them breakup, and leave people so hurt and in pain.

 

Basically, it seems that people are going back to the way it used to be - courting - instead of dating. In other words, this relationship can be sustained over a distance, and over time as well. And two years isn't that long if both are willing to commit to it. Yes, there are times when one can't be there for the other, but, it also happens when you live in close proximity to the other. There are no guarantees either way.

 

If you believe she is the girl for you, then commit to that, and conduct yourself for the next 2 years in a courting type of relationship rather than a dating one. Keep busy, keep in touch, spend time together when you can, and use this time and distance to get to know each other better, and let it grow - if it is meant to be.

 

I started studying and researching why there are so many breakups and broken hearts in this dating/relationship type of thing that we all seem to have embraced. There are many reasons for it, and one is that we allow our emotional and phsycial feelings to grow much too quickly, before we really know the other person well.

 

I think there may be some websites available on courting versus dating, if you care to check them out. I'm not saying this is an answer to your dilemna, but it might be worth a look see!!! There are also some good books out at the bookstores on this subject.

 

All my best to you as you struggle with the answers.

 

Hello -- here's the quick run-down and I could use some advice. I started to date someone who lives about two hours away from me in New York City (sometimes four hous if traffic is bad) and we would go out maybe twice a month until all of sudden it became serious. She wanted to see me more, and I wanted to see her more and we tried it for a couple months, every weekend, but I just broke it off a few days ago because I am having a hard time seeing myself getting more into this relationship while she is so far away. Basically, she feels so far away from me -- I had a death in the family a couple weeks ago and because I work real late, it was simply impossible for me to go and stop by her place and just get a hug. She doesn't drive so she can't come and see me. I do work a lot of crazy hours and get real tired driving back and forth. If I had my way, I would want this woman in my life if she lived closer, but we've only been going out for 6 months and I am still getting to know her. To make things worse, I am going to moving for work even farther away, which would make the whole drive about 5 hours. I feel like this is something I can't sustain and I told her that a week ago and it is basically over. But I really miss the girl and wish she could be with me. Am I wrong to think that long-distance makes love too distant? Am I selfish to want someone who lives closer to me? Part of me thinks that if a relationship is to work, it has to make sense to me, and this just doesn't seem to make any sense. I basically have found a great woman in an absolutely horrible distance situation. Any thoughts? I really am second-guessing myself.

 

[Deejette]

That is an interesting way of looking at dating vs. courting. Courting is in for the long-haul, while dating is kind of hanging out and sharing time together. So if you are really serious about this girl, you could see it as courting with a view towards marriage. Then it will not seem so frustrating.

 

But if you are not sure about spending the rest of your life with this girl, then I would say, long distance relationships cannot be very satisfying and don't meet the physical togetherness needs of a nurturing, loving relationship.

Don't know if this is of any help or not, but here goes anyway. I've been doing some reading and studying about relationships lately, and why so many of them breakup, and leave people so hurt and in pain. Basically, it seems that people are going back to the way it used to be - courting - instead of dating. In other words, this relationship can be sustained over a distance, and over time as well. And two years isn't that long if both are willing to commit to it. Yes, there are times when one can't be there for the other, but, it also happens when you live in close proximity to the other. There are no guarantees either way.

 

If you believe she is the girl for you, then commit to that, and conduct yourself for the next 2 years in a courting type of relationship rather than a dating one. Keep busy, keep in touch, spend time together when you can, and use this time and distance to get to know each other better, and let it grow - if it is meant to be. I started studying and researching why there are so many breakups and broken hearts in this dating/relationship type of thing that we all seem to have embraced. There are many reasons for it, and one is that we allow our emotional and phsycial feelings to grow much too quickly, before we really know the other person well. I think there may be some websites available on courting versus dating, if you care to check them out. I'm not saying this is an answer to your dilemna, but it might be worth a look see!!! There are also some good books out at the bookstores on this subject. All my best to you as you struggle with the answers.

[Again]

I have to thank you both for the post -- it is an interesting way of looking at it. I guess it is like a double-edged sword. For me to say to myself that I want to "spend the rest of my life" with someone (which is what courting is supposed to be, at least more so than dating), than I would need satisfaction that this person can fit seemlessly into my life and that I have had the opportunity to know her on a more daily basis than the two-three times monthly that distance permits.

 

On the other side, I am stuck with the unending thought that if it's "meant to be" than I would not be in a situation that is already, at this early stage, so difficult. Many successfully married friends have told me that when "it happens" it is "easy." There is not a logistical struggle to find the time to travel so far to be with someone, they just fit magically into where both persons are in their lives.

 

Whether it is true or not, time will tell for me. But your thoughts are taken seriously, as I think again.

 

That is an interesting way of looking at dating vs. courting. Courting is in for the long-haul, while dating is kind of hanging out and sharing time together. So if you are really serious about this girl, you could see it as courting with a view towards marriage. Then it will not seem so frustrating. But if you are not sure about spending the rest of your life with this girl, then I would say, long distance relationships cannot be very satisfying and don't meet the physical togetherness needs of a nurturing, loving relationship.