OW/OM: do you accept your MM/MW having sex with their W/H?

[ViresSanctity]

If you were in a serious relationship with a married man or woman, do you find it acceptable for them to being having sex with their married partner?

 

If they tell you they don't have sex with their partners anymore, do you think that it's realistic to believe them? Then when they do, do you think it's acceptable that they've lied?

 

 

 

I broke up with my MW Thursday, after she confessed that she had sex with him once last month. This was right after she cried and drank herself to death, thinking I was having sex with other girls while with her (which I wasn't.) I wasn't sure if we were having an open relationship back then to be honest. But she told me she can't accept that from me, and so we reached an agreement that we'd only be having sex with each other.

 

Our relationship has gotten a lot more hectic since then. We'd call each other every night and morning to check on each other to see where we're at. I have a hard time believing a man and a woman can sleep with each other every night and not have sex. But she had me believing it for 2 months that she didn't. She'd call me every night at 8:30-9 and talk until she sleeps. Then once again when she wakes up before getting ready for work.

 

 

 

Now she tells me how I can expect a man and a woman to sleep every night with each other and not have sex. She cried about it and made us promise and now she's turning it on me.

 

Well I broke up with her and told her what she did broke my trust and she can go sex him up all she wants.

 

Now she's begging for me to come back and wants one chance to explain herself. I'm seeing her tomorrow in the morning.

[Realist3]

Dude, if you are involved with a married person you have to accept that they are going to have sex with their spouse. Get over it. If you can't then you should not be in that relationship.

[PurpleGal]

Our own experiences inform our interpretation and understanding of certain situations. Having been in a sexless marriage for 9 months prior to separating from H (and a near-sexless one before that), I know firsthand that they do exist. So when my MM tells me he's not having sex with his wife, I believe him. When we were first communicating, he told me that they had the prior weekend (after a severe dry spell). Given that I had done the same thing after a similar dry spell, I understood. In any case, I've let him know that if it happens, it's not a dealbreaker. He really has no reason to lie, as I wouldn't break things off regardless. As long as he's living with her, I assume it's a possibility.

[Sarabi]

I accepted it. What else are they supposed to do? He would even talk to me about it...until I told him to stop. Its their business not mine.

Being married means you have a right to have sex (so would say my Christian friends and my mum who still probably hopes I die single and childless...)

Besides...due to his self diagnosed issues he couldn't maintain/get it up for me...

(I dunno, performance anxiety? Said he gets nervous with new people until he's comfortable)

[ViresSanctity]

Dude, if you are involved with a married person you have to accept that they are going to have sex with their spouse. Get over it. If you can't then you should not be in that relationship.

 

Not to be rude, but since you were pretty blunt with me I"ll do the same.

 

But did you even read what I wrote?

 

No where did I say I didn't her having sex with her husband. I initially mentioned that I thought we were in an open relationship. It was HER demand and offer that we wouldn't have sex with anyone else.

 

How is it fair for a MW/MM demand we don't have sex with anyone else when they are doing it?

 

I broke up with her based on that she lied more so than the sex.

Edited February 24, 2013 by ViresSanctity

[ViresSanctity]

I accepted it. What else are they supposed to do? He would even talk to me about it...until I told him to stop. Its their business not mine.

Being married means you have a right to have sex (so would say my Christian friends and my mum who still probably hopes I die single and childless...)

Besides...due to his self diagnosed issues he couldn't maintain/get it up for me...

(I dunno, performance anxiety? Said he gets nervous with new people until he's comfortable)

 

Don't you think it matters less what people outside the relationship think, than what is agreed upon between the two of you?

 

Anyone not in a relationship like that would more than likely disagree with whatever you are doing anyway.

[ViresSanctity]

Our own experiences inform our interpretation and understanding of certain situations. Having been in a sexless marriage for 9 months prior to separating from H (and a near-sexless one before that), I know firsthand that they do exist. So when my MM tells me he's not having sex with his wife, I believe him. When we were first communicating, he told me that they had the prior weekend (after a severe dry spell). Given that I had done the same thing after a similar dry spell, I understood. In any case, I've let him know that if it happens, it's not a dealbreaker. He really has no reason to lie, as I wouldn't break things off regardless. As long as he's living with her, I assume it's a possibility.

 

I know a man who's wife refused him six for 16 months. He's now married 8 years to a wonderful loving woman who gives him what he wants every night.

 

So I thought it was definitely possible for some people and was thinking maybe my MW is the same if she could make me that promise. She has a low sex drive and her married man needs viagra to keep it up.

[Sarabi]

It was HER demand and offer that we wouldn't have sex with anyone else.

Oh ok. You post made me think of that quote from Animal Farm(?) is it the pigs who said it?

"We are all equal...but some of us are more equal than others"

 

so a double standard for you/us who are other partners.

"Its not ok for you to sleep with anyone except me...but its ok for me to sleep with you and my husband/boyfriend"

...and at the end of the day the one who is sleeping with two people and goes back to their spouse is somehow perceived to be less "bad" than the OW/OM. Hmmmmm....

[Lostinlife4now]

xMm always told me he WAS NOT having sex with the W. Couldn't get it up. And I believed him.

 

Did I expect him to have sex with W. NO. Not when he was with me! Sorry. I didn't ask for much, But I did ask for that!!!!!

 

Do I care if he is with her now...NOPE!!!!

 

And I was NOT seeing anyone else. EVER during our relationship.

Edited February 24, 2013 by Lostinlife4now
Want to add!

[wisernow]

Not to be rude, but since you were pretty blunt with me I"ll do the same.

 

But did you even read what I wrote?

 

No where did I say I didn't her having sex with her husband. I initially mentioned that I thought we were in an open relationship. It was HER demand and offer that we wouldn't have sex with anyone else.

 

How is it fair for a MW/MM demand we don't have sex with anyone else when they are doing it?

 

I broke up with her based on that she lied more so than the sex.

 

I don't think Realist was (well maybe a tad) blunt. He's been there don't that, so he does have a ton of experience in this situation. Anyway, I think its more than naive to think for a minute that your MW isn't doing her husband. I think the agreement you heard was "We wont have sex with anyone but each other" but what you should have read was: "Don't you (OM) have sex with anyone but me, but I'll be f'ing not only you but my husband too.

[Realist3]

Not to be rude, but since you were pretty blunt with me I"ll do the same.

 

But did you even read what I wrote?

 

No where did I say I didn't her having sex with her husband. I initially mentioned that I thought we were in an open relationship. It was HER demand and offer that we wouldn't have sex with anyone else.

 

How is it fair for a MW/MM demand we don't have sex with anyone else when they are doing it?

 

I broke up with her based on that she lied more so than the sex.

 

It seems like you have your own answer. Fair? Life isn't fair. Relationships aren't fair. You can decide all on your own what you want to do. She doesn't rule you.

[ViresSanctity]

Oh ok. You post made me think of that quote from Animal Farm(?) is it the pigs who said it?

"We are all equal...but some of us are more equal than others"

 

so a double standard for you/us who are other partners.

"Its not ok for you to sleep with anyone except me...but its ok for me to sleep with you and my husband/boyfriend"

...and at the end of the day the one who is sleeping with two people and goes back to their spouse is somehow perceived to be less "bad" than the OW/OM. Hmmmmm....

 

What's funny is her and her Husband's chinese zodiac both belong to pigs.

 

See, they are married and they have a right to have sex with their spouse. We are single and that's considered cheating by the bible... Wait what?

[Sarabi]

Don't you think it matters less what people outside the relationship think, than what is agreed upon between the two of you?

 

Anyone not in a relationship like that would more than likely disagree with whatever you are doing anyway.

 

I guess you have a point...other people's opinions on a couple's relationship(marriage/long term partner etc.) probably shouldn't matter.

And yes, you are right...in an A or not...people will always have something to say about your relationship or disagree with something you are doing in that relationship.

[ViresSanctity]

xMm always told me he WAS NOT having sex with the W. Couldn't get it up. And I believed him.

 

Did I expect him to have sex with W. NO. Not when he was with me! Sorry. I didn't ask for much, But I did ask for that!!!!!

 

Do I care if he is with her now...NOPE!!!!

 

And I was NOT seeing anyone else. EVER during our relationship.

 

I see what you did there .

[Sarabi]

What's funny is her and her Husband's chinese zodiac both belong to pigs.

 

See, they are married and they have a right to have sex with their spouse. We are single and that's considered cheating by the bible... Wait what?

 

Woah...lol.

It was honestly a coincidence !!!

Yup. Us singletons are baddies by default. At times you would believe we are a threat to the world at large and purposely prey on happily coupled-up people.

By the way I think I'm an Ox...so I guess plenty of people could say I was a right COW for what I did to MMs wife

(don't anybody bash me please, I do feel hideous about the whole thing...)

[ViresSanctity]

It seems like you have your own answer. Fair? Life isn't fair. Relationships aren't fair. You can decide all on your own what you want to do. She doesn't rule you.

 

You want to know what I really want to do? I want to tell her she can come back in my life, under MY demands now as per I originally thought. I get to sleep with all the girls I want and she can do whatever she wants with her husband. I can't promise I won't find someone else I'll fall for, but she'll stay have a place in my bed. If she can't handle it, then don't date me .

[Eggplant]

I broke up with her based on that she lied more so than the sex.

 

Don't be surprised that she lied to you. She is lying to her husband. If trust is important to you, don't date a cheating married person.

[ViresSanctity]

I think the agreement you heard was "We wont have sex with anyone but each other" but what you should have read was: "Don't you (OM) have sex with anyone but me, but I'll be f'ing not only you but my husband too.

 

See she's been begging to come back into my life the past three days. She keeps swearing up and down that she'll never have sex with him again. I'm just not very happy with her making empty promises. I'd rather her just come out and say "I love pen*s".

[Sarabi]

Well I broke up with her and told her what she did broke my trust and she can go sex him up all she wants.

Do you feel in some way that she was cheating on you..? I think you do...are you relieved its over?

[ViresSanctity]

Don't be surprised that she lied to you. She is lying to her husband. If trust is important to you, don't date a cheating married person.

 

I had this imagination that I was special. Does that hit home with anyone?

[wisernow]

What was the deal about some ultimatum due by Sunday. You posted it on another thread. Is that about the sex with her husband thing or something else?

[spice4life]

I always assumed they were.. I would have been a fool not to. I was always loyal though because thats just the way I am. If he had demanded that I not with anyone else I would have left. Not because I would have sex with someone else while involved with him, it would be because I wouldn't be able to share myself with someone who has double standards. To me that is not acceptable. I made a pact with myself that if I wanted to start dating others I would tell him and break it off with him. Not really anything else you can do in a situation like that except be honest and leave when you want more than the married person can provide. Especially when they have made it abundantly clear through actions that they are happy being married.

[Sarabi]

I had this imagination that I was special. Does that hit home with anyone?

Yes. It does absolutely hit home with me. He said that (amongst other things) to me many times

[spice4life]

I had this imagination that I was special. Does that hit home with anyone?

 

Honestly, no, I never really felt special. I always felt it was strictly about the "you know" with him. He never gave me a reason to think otherwise. He just thought I was different and kinda neat, so he enoyed hanging out with me sometimes. Thats how it felt anyway. It never felt like I was someone he wanted to include in his regular life.

 

It feels kind of sad to write that actually.

[ViresSanctity]

Do you feel in some way that she was cheating on you..? I think you do...are you relieved its over?

 

The first two months that we were like platonic friends, she was a breath of fresh air. I always told her, my favorite quality about her was how straight-forward she was. Even one month into our affair, I joked how she's incapable of sweet talking to me like my ex's. It's hard not to believe someone like that when:

 

She tells all her girlfriends about me and they all encourage her to leave her husband for me.

 

She's confessed to her mother that she's fallen in love for me.

 

Her entire family side knows she's dating me and she's ok with it whether they approve or not..

 

She had the galls to meet my parents, and talks to the them with the utmost respect out of all the girls I've dated. My mother gets along with her like it was her own daughter.

 

She talks to her husband at most 15 minutes a day. When her and I met at trade school and Before she started working, we talked for at least 12 hours a day, and spent time in each other's arms anywhere from 8-12 hours a day.

 

While in bed with her, she tells me I'm her true husband, she'll follow me until the end of the earth, until the day she dies.

 

Sometimes we forget that she's married.

 

 

So I feel like she's cheating on me maybe a little?

 

 

There is this guilt and trust issue I've always dealt while with her. It does feel like a weight lifted off my shoulder when I ended it.