OW/OM: do you accept your MM/MW having sex with their W/H?

[wisernow]

I just got home from having a conversation with my MW, letting her explain what happened during her last sexual encounter with her MM.

 

 

 

I'm on the fence about this, not because I doubt her character. She is by nature not a very sexual person as I have found in the 5-6 months knowing her. She will do whatever I ask her to do in bed, but even when drunk she never engages. I have always told her that I loved everything about her, but her lack of sexual drive. She promised me she would become better with time if I am patient with her and over the past several weeks, she has improved in bed. She is still very shy about it.

 

I'm on the fence because I don't know what to make of the situation.

 

 

The conversation started out with me telling her, "There's nothing you can explain at this moment that could bring me back to you. The trust has been broken. But I'll give you your moment so humor me."

 

 

She has been trying to tell me but was not sure how to come out with it. Basically her MM had woken her up at 12-1am after I had finished talking to her on the phone. He was drunk that night. He tried to tear off her clothes and force her into having sex with him. She tells me that before he could stick it in, she cried and screamed so he stopped.

 

She tells me that he has promised her to never touch her again. She only sees him as a friend according to her.

 

Because she tells me that I had been pressuring her about the issue, that she just blurted out that she wanted it so I would stop asking and let it go. She did not want me to find her MM and punch him. She tells me she worries that since she's known him for 6 years, and he is married to her, she does not want me to think badly of him despite his action.

 

Why then did she come out and tell me they had sex the first time I asked her? Because she said, she was really drunk that night (I did feed her a lot of alcohol), and she was not sure why she told it to me like that. She said she didn't like it and pushed him off, but she was not sure why she worded it like that. I'm effy on this part.

 

I think that part of me wants to believe that she did not want the sex. But the part about him not sticking it in yet when we talked today, is a lie. She did after all say that had sex the first time I asked.

 

I am not very happy with of course hearing that she was almost/was raped. But I wasn't afraid to question it. I asked her to swear that she wasn't lying, and she did not get defensive about it and swore. I'm just not sure how women who were almost raped/were rape in the past do react to situations like this when it's happened to them. Could any women here who knows anyone with such incidence tell me?

 

---

 

She invited me out tonight to have dinner with her MM and her best girlfriend, before I knew about this. She wants to have me hang out with her and let her girlfriend distract her husband.

 

I haven't told her, but I have in mind to talk to him about it tonight to get some more confirmation that she's not lying to me. I haven't thought up how I'm going to go about it to get him to come out with the words yet. It's going to require a lot of tact on my part. He thinks I'm her just her best friend, so I could talk to him like two men about sex. I am of course, not going to be throwing any punches. I think first with my head and am more of a defensive than offensive person. I've talked to this guy several times before, and he's a very timid man so I'm not expecting anything physical going on.

 

-

 

She has also promised me to leave him within 2 months (possibly sooner) using that time so could properly separate from him to move in with me. We shall see.

 

OP, please take this gently, but you have to be the most naive OM I've ever read about on this forum.

 

You are having an AFFAIR with a woman who is married to someone else. Of course, she will have sex with him and no amount of promises to you, or saying that he was drunk and basically raped her makes her any less married or any more worthy of trust. She is a liar (so are you actually). She lies to her husband and you lie to him as well, fing his wife under the guise of friendship and shopping trips.

 

If you want to continue in this mess, you need to not place unrealistic demands on your MW. She will continue to have sex with her husband. She will continue to lie to you and say it's never going to happen again, or make up stories of rape or some other such nonsense. She is a liar. She will continue putting a date (future faking) out there for when she will leave the marriage. 90% never leave, and it doesn't sound like she's in that magical 10 percent, as she's still there.

 

I'd encourage you first to move on from the MW, but I doubt you will do that, as you profess love and believe that she "loves" you too. And I suspect you enjoy the drama. But, if you are going to continue to enjoy her sloppy seconds, then by all means go out, date others, as OW is not committed to you, and all the promise to the contrary are pointless and poor fiction.

[MissBee]

If you were in a serious relationship with a married man or woman, do you find it acceptable for them to being having sex with their married partner?

 

If they tell you they don't have sex with their partners anymore, do you think that it's realistic to believe them? Then when they do, do you think it's acceptable that they've lied?

 

 

 

I broke up with my MW Thursday, after she confessed that she had sex with him once last month. This was right after she cried and drank herself to death, thinking I was having sex with other girls while with her (which I wasn't.) I wasn't sure if we were having an open relationship back then to be honest. But she told me she can't accept that from me, and so we reached an agreement that we'd only be having sex with each other.

 

Our relationship has gotten a lot more hectic since then. We'd call each other every night and morning to check on each other to see where we're at. I have a hard time believing a man and a woman can sleep with each other every night and not have sex. But she had me believing it for 2 months that she didn't. She'd call me every night at 8:30-9 and talk until she sleeps. Then once again when she wakes up before getting ready for work.

 

 

 

Now she tells me how I can expect a man and a woman to sleep every night with each other and not have sex. She cried about it and made us promise and now she's turning it on me.

Well I broke up with her and told her what she did broke my trust and she can go sex him up all she wants.

Now she's begging for me to come back and wants one chance to explain herself. I'm seeing her tomorrow in the morning.

 

I hope you see the irony in your situation.

 

I think it is unrealistic in an affair to expect that your AP won't ever sleep with their spouse. Your MW was right about that. Yes people promise they won't and maybe some don't...but essentially, this isn't some random dude she met on the corner, but her husband! In any case...if you don't love your spouse or aren't attracted to them anymore I think perhaps some people naturally don't want to have sex with them if they are having it elsewhere. So the fact that she gets sex from you and him and her response isn't even one of those corny lines like "He forced me to" but "DUH! What do you expect, we sleep in the same bed!" that tells you EVERYTHING!

 

Others think differently, but in my mind, it is hedging one's bet to demand fidelity of one's affair partner, especially in terms of expecting them to not sleep with their husband/wife. It doesn't make sense. I understand not having multiple APs...fine. But their spouse is already there and was before you (and for most, will remain after you) and they indeed go to bed with them nightly and for many are having a "normal" relationship...so it is a stretch to believe or expect they will be sexually exclusive with you or "faithful" to you.

 

In an A the rules are different about many things frankly, and most times, if you choose an A, you are choosing to be with someone who is with another (no matter the alleged state of that other R). And if that is your choice...do not go into it expecting the EXACT same as you would in a normal single R, as usually you cannot get that.

[stevie_23]

I was in a serious long distance relationship with a married man for almost 2 years, and he had sex occasionally with his wife. I was ok with it. He told me when it happened. I of course don’t know if he ALWAYS told me when it happened, but I do assume he did based on the fact I was ok with it when he did tell me. He never said he enjoyed it, but he usually said it was ok. He only said once it was pretty bad and he felt lost and like he was just with the wrong person afterwards.

 

I was ok with him doing that with his wife, because in my mind when you have an affair, and the MM doesn’t tell you straight out that they do NOT EVER have sex or are affectionate or anything, how can you expect or demand 100% exclusivity with you? I feel there IS exclusivity in terms of not being with anyone ELSE as well as their existing spouse who they were with before you came along. I feel that any sort of activity with a spouse is kind of “exempt” in terms of an OW feeling jealous or threatened or whatever, UNLESS the MM claims the marriage has been over for a long time and they NEVER are intimate anymore. Then if they had sex or he told you they had sex, I can understand feeling weird about it. You STILL have no real right to feel that way though. They ARE still married.

 

In terms of my own “marriage” (same sex relationship), we haven’t had sex in about 7-8 years, way before I even met my ex-MM, and I was honest about this, but at the same time, he had to accept that I was still fairly happy with my partner and we were affectionate and did things together, a lot more than what he and his wife did. And seeing as my ex-MM and I were long distance / online, etc, we were only emotionally involved and so emotional intimacy with my partner may have disturbed him MORE than sexual intimacy, because we never got to share that (in “real life” physical ways anyway).

[ViresSanctity]

I honestly told her that today there was nothing she could say to change my mind about me breaking up with her.

 

Then she pulled the allegedly attempted rape card on me about her husband. It was a good curve ball on her part.

 

Why did I ever let it matter? I felt bad I was going to dump a woman when she was allegedly assaulted by her husband.

 

But knowing her husband, I know he's a timid man and I believe he wouldn't do anything like that. And I originally even told her that before today.

 

I'd like to thank some of you for pulling back to reality. I think I really went into a spiraling madness without realizing what I was getting into tonight.

 

Out of all the people that has been the biggest victim in this, it's probably her husband. The guy is not very bright but he has good enough intentions that he trusts his wife with every thing. We've been taking advantage of him at new levels. As we the affair was about to begin, we said we didn't want to hurt him. I don't know about what she really thinks, but I can honestly say I didn't want it to hurt or lie to anyone before it started spiraling out of control. I've lied to a lot of people including my family to protect our relationship. While we worked together, she was my corner stone but now the thought of her brings pain.

 

 

I do see how easily she feeds him the big lies all the time and it scares me to think how dark it really is in the corner of her mind. As she's suckering me in, I can see that all my sense of thought is hers to use.

 

 

I don't feel ashamed. I'm pretty sure I threw that all out the window when I decided to start this with her. I need to gather back my conscience and intelligence before it's too late.

 

It's not like I don't have options where I live, but I sure am treating her like she's my last.

 

We had a really good friendship before this affair started. She's older than me and so she used to treat me like her little brother before she started calling me her man. I'm acting pretty spoiled about it right now. I'm going to miss that part of the relationship.

 

I need to end this!

Edited February 25, 2013 by ViresSanctity

[spice4life]

Good for you for coming to your senses. I know I may have seemed harsh in my previous post but it definitely seemed like things were spiraling out of control. The whole having dinner thing was evidence of that. As long as the person you are with is married you can't really count on anything. If you allow yourself to get pulled into an emotional triangle where the boundaries and expectations are so skewed it will drive you absolutely crazy. Especially if you fell in love with the person. You have no way of knowing who they are when you are not around. And wondering will only set you up for a lot of emotional twists and turns.

 

Focus on yourself and your life and all that stuff won't matter anymore.

[In A Tizzy]

Originally Posted by ViresSanctity

If you were in a serious relationship with a married man or woman, do you find it acceptable for them to being having sex with their married partner?

 

If they tell you they don't have sex with their partners anymore, do you think that it's realistic to believe them? Then when they do, do you think it's acceptable that they've lied?

 

Why shouldn't they have sex with their spouse? They are married to them.

And why wouldn't the OM/OW lie about it? They are already lying to their spouses about having an A. So, why would you ever believe them in the first place??? How much can you really trust someone that is having an A?

 

 

I broke up with my MW Thursday, after she confessed that she had sex with him once last month. This was right after she cried and drank herself to death, thinking I was having sex with other girls while with her (which I wasn't.) I wasn't sure if we were having an open relationship back then to be honest. But she told me she can't accept that from me, and so we reached an agreement that we'd only be having sex with each other.

 

Our relationship has gotten a lot more hectic since then. We'd call each other every night and morning to check on each other to see where we're at. I have a hard time believing a man and a woman can sleep with each other every night and not have sex. But she had me believing it for 2 months that she didn't. She'd call me every night at 8:30-9 and talk until she sleeps. Then once again when she wakes up before getting ready for work.

 

Are you two planning on leaving your spouses for one another? If so, then I could see you not having sex with your spouses. However, is the OW is having sex with her H, then he obviously doesn't know that's she's having an A... So what do you expect? I don't think it's fair to be asked not to have sex with your spouse, after all you're married to them!

You both are insecure, which is what an A produces. There is no stability, nor security or trust. And it will probably always be that way. An A creates more negative actions and feelings than positive.

 

Now she tells me how I can expect a man and a woman to sleep every night with each other and not have sex. She cried about it and made us promise and now she's turning it on me.

 

Well I broke up with her and told her what she did broke my trust and she can go sex him up all she wants.

 

Now she's begging for me to come back and wants one chance to explain herself. I'm seeing her tomorrow in the morning.

 

Seriously! What do you expect?!?!

[stevie_23]

Certain MM or MW feel loyal to their OW / OM and NOT their spouse, and so their loyalties switch, and if that’s discussed between the affair couple and agreed upon that they are their “one and only” now, even despite the circumstances, then this is all well and good and this usually happens in cases where the married person does genuinely plan to leave the marriage and be with the OW / OM, and in this case, if the MM or MW and their spouse DO have sex even despite this, the OW / OM I think is understandable in feeling betrayed or hurt or resentful, but until the married couple are actually divorced or separated, they STILL have no technical RIGHT to feel that way.

[BrokenPrincess]

Yes of course I accepted xMM sleeping with his wife! It really didn't bother me, but we never discussed it in detail. We were long distance, and when we were finally going to see each other for the first time since just kissing, he told me he was going to abstain with his wife until then so that it would be extra special. I told him I did not think I could do the same without alerting suspicion.

 

Aside from all this back & forth with your MW, it doesn't sound like you are really ok with her sleeping with her H, even when she's honest with you. Also you said she's not sexual, but she's currently choosing to engage in sex with two men...

[stevie_23]

If you, OP, have issues with sharing your woman, why did you engage in an affair in the first place? You are only sharing her with the man she is married to, who she got married to before she met you (I assume). How do you think her husband would feel about her sleeping with YOU? She is married to HIM. I understand not wanting her to be with anyone but you, but in an affair situation (that you’ve chosen), you have to cut her some slack in that area.

[ViresSanctity]

If you, OP, have issues with sharing your woman, why did you engage in an affair in the first place? You are only sharing her with the man she is married to, who she got married to before she met you (I assume). How do you think her husband would feel about her sleeping with YOU? She is married to HIM. I understand not wanting her to be with anyone but you, but in an affair situation (that you’ve chosen), you have to cut her some slack in that area.

 

If you really want to know, it was because I was given the impression that her husband was already out of the picture before we even had the affair.

 

To me marriage is a piece of paper. Love comes first and it may not come from a marriage. How he feels about me is between me and him. And before tonight happened, how I feel about my MW is between me and her and she came first.

 

Some people stay in a marriage out of circumstance and because cultural pressures. They don't know what it means to be free from a divorce because they were never raised to think about it.

 

I gave her the idea of freedom and independent choice to love who you choose, and run after it.

Edited February 25, 2013 by ViresSanctity

[ViresSanctity]

Yes of course I accepted xMM sleeping with his wife! It really didn't bother me, but we never discussed it in detail. We were long distance, and when we were finally going to see each other for the first time since just kissing, he told me he was going to abstain with his wife until then so that it would be extra special. I told him I did not think I could do the same without alerting suspicion.

 

Aside from all this back & forth with your MW, it doesn't sound like you are really ok with her sleeping with her H, even when she's honest with you. Also you said she's not sexual, but she's currently choosing to engage in sex with two men...

 

I've been typing a lot in the past two days like I was going through a mania. Not everything I type matches up but I assure you it makes sense to me.

[spice4life]

This thread has got me thinking and I feel the need to clarify my second to last post because looking back a certain part of my response came off sounding a little crazy. The truth is, it reminded me of time that now makes me queazy to think about. I won't go into detail so let's just say that knowing what I know now, I would have reacted completely different. The "me" now (lol) would not have gone down that path to begin with. When red flags started to pop up the "me" now would have shut it down, left the situation and stayed gone. I would have held my ground and demanded the truth before getting involved. As Peirre always points out, that's the difference between good self esteem and low self esteem. What happened was not normal and there was something wrong with me for allowing it to happen in the first place. I accept complete responsibility for that.

 

The saving grace is that it forced me into therapy where I started taking a deep look at myself and fixing the issues that lead me there in the first place. I also discovered what "love" really feels like. That said, I owe a few people apologies for my part in the whole mess and I am owed some apologies as well. I received one so far, which was extremely helpful and very much appreciated, but it would be nice to just hear the truth..ya know? So I do understand why the lying affected you more than the act itself.

 

Anyway, I am certain that this is confusing to read! So just trust me that it makes sense in the bigger picture.

Edited February 25, 2013 by spice4life

[Pierre]

If you really want to know, it was because I was given the impression that her husband was already out of the picture before we even had the affair.

 

To me marriage is a piece of paper. Love comes first and it may not come from a marriage. How he feels about me is between me and him. And before tonight happened, how I feel about my MW is between me and her and she came first.

 

 

You are so typical. All OMs and OWs say the same thing about marriage. :p

 

Dude, you have extremely low self esteem and you need intense IC. Why would anyone go for a taken woman is a mystery to me.

[Brian1]

You are so typical. All OMs and OWs say the same thing about marriage. :p

 

Dude, you have extremely low self esteem and you need intense IC. Why would anyone go for a taken woman is a mystery to me.

 

I agree 100% with Pierre.

[stevie_23]

If you really want to know, it was because I was given the impression that her husband was already out of the picture before we even had the affair.

 

To me marriage is a piece of paper. Love comes first and it may not come from a marriage. How he feels about me is between me and him. And before tonight happened, how I feel about my MW is between me and her and she came first.

 

Some people stay in a marriage out of circumstance and because cultural pressures. They don't know what it means to be free from a divorce because they were never raised to think about it.

 

I gave her the idea of freedom and independent choice to love who you choose, and run after it.

 

Yes, marriage is represented by a piece of paper and some laws and other such technical, unromantic stuff. But MOST couples get married because they are in love. MOST, not all. And at some stage, your OW was most likely in love with her husband, even if she can’t remember those feelings now.

 

I agree that if your OW has told you her husband is out of the picture and was for a while before you got together, and that she and you feel loyalty to each other and she feels that above what she feels for her own husband, and that just because she is married doesn’t mean she loves him and can’t love you more and all that, HOWEVER she IS still married. So she can technically do what she likes with her husband.

 

Even if she loves you deeply and you love her too, at the end of the day, you have no say. You have no control. You have no right to demand top priority, because she is MARRIED.

 

You gave her the idea of independent choice and freedom for her to run after it…but she’s still married despite this…

[ViresSanctity]

Yes, marriage is represented by a piece of paper and some laws and other such technical, unromantic stuff. But MOST couples get married because they are in love. MOST, not all. And at some stage, your OW was most likely in love with her husband, even if she can’t remember those feelings now.

 

I agree that if your OW has told you her husband is out of the picture and was for a while before you got together, and that she and you feel loyalty to each other and she feels that above what she feels for her own husband, and that just because she is married doesn’t mean she loves him and can’t love you more and all that, HOWEVER she IS still married. So she can technically do what she likes with her husband.

 

Even if she loves you deeply and you love her too, at the end of the day, you have no say. You have no control. You have no right to demand top priority, because she is MARRIED.

 

You gave her the idea of independent choice and freedom for her to run after it…but she’s still married despite this…

 

I think what is important is what is agreed between you and your A partner. Everyone that is having an affair is already doing something that's not acceptable to society at large. Where do you draw the line? The standard has to be between you and your partner in crime.

 

You talk about rights of control and rights of demand. I don't think anyone has a right to control anyone in any type of relationship. Anyone can make demands though. Whether the other party agrees to it or not is up to them. I don't see why a OW/OM doesn't have a right to make that demand. If the MM/MW doesn't like that they can just forfeit the relation or lie.

 

I still remember my MW first telling me, "I can't accept you having sex with another woman because you are single."

 

Does being married somehow give you more rights to make demands in an A?

 

Maybe I am alone on the planet when it comes to this. But I think if anyone has the right to be an infidel in all this, it's the single person. I can sleep with anyone I want. I don't because I love her.. But see, if you want that from me, there's also a price you got to pay. If you break the deal, you either gotta be really slick about it or I'm out.

 

That's my crazy way of seeing things. Agree or disagree, I don't really care anymore to explain .

[stevie_23]

Yes, it IS important what is agreed between you and your A partner, but all I’m saying is no matter what you agree, and no matter how much you love each other and how much of a priority you make each other, you are STILL making those agreements and promises WITHIN your own marriages (for whomever is married, I mean). This gives some leniency and understanding with regard to breaking those agreements and promises because “things happen”.

 

Yes, no one has the right to control a person they’re in a relationship with. But by someone breaking up with their A partner because that partner slept with their husband and you can’t deal with it? That IS exerting control! Don’t you see? You’ve said “Hey, we had an agreement and you broke it. Yes, I know you’re married but you still promised you were ONLY with me now. So now because you did this WRONG thing, I am leaving you.” Punishment. Control.

 

You’d prefer your OW to have broken up with you because she didn’t know if she’d ever have to sleep with her husband again at some point? You’d prefer your OW to have just lied to you instead of confiding in you about that aspect of her life?

 

Demanding your un-married partner not to sleep with other men is reasonable once you agree to be exclusive. There’s no one else. There was no one else when you entered the picture. Demanding your married partner not to sleep with anyone else OUTSIDE the marriage besides you? Reasonable also. But demanding your MARRIED partner (and it was your choice to BE their partner despite the fact they were married when you arrived) not sleep with her HUSBAND? Not unreasonable in terms of your emotional needs for exclusivity with her, but it’s unrealistic to expect this promise to be completely upheld at all times.

 

Your logic is you don’t sleep with anyone else even though you’re single, because you love her and only want her. That makes sense, and she probably only wants you too, HOWEVER. She. Is. MARRIED. She has a HUSBAND there in bed next to her every night. Sometimes that husband, not knowing she’s with you at all, will want sex, and if she NEVER allows this, what would happen? (what you perhaps WANT to happen, that he will leave her and she’ll be all your’s?)

 

I do understand your feelings by the way. I DIDN’T like when my ex-MM had sex with his wife, as infrequent as it apparently was, but who was I to say don’t do that? Or you shouldn’t have done that, I’m leaving you now. We BOTH understood each other’s restrictions even if we didn’t like them.

Edited February 26, 2013 by stevie_23

[seren]

While a healthy sex life is of course important in any relationship, it is the day to day sharing of life, stuff, shared moments that really make the glue that gives a relationship strength. I would be far more hung up on the hugs, the laughter, the shared dreams and plans for the future and the intimacy than just sex. I simply don't understand how anyone can settle for less and while it hurt like mad to know that my H had sex with someone else, had he shared intimacy would have hurt far more.

 

IMHO, everyone should get out of any relationship that which makes them happy (not at the expense of others but this is LS), no one should share the person they love with another. If a couple are sharing a bed, then they at the very least will be sharing hugs, intimacy, those early morning snuggles - if it was anything less they would be busted in a heartbeat.

 

I read of so many AP's who knowingly tie themselves in knots for the WS, and believe all the, there is now sex, intimacy etc and so many BS who are unaware there is an A, something is not matching up. Had H and I lost intimacy I would have picked up oh the A right away. But we all believe those we love. I couldn't knowingly share the person I loved with another, not for sex or intimacy. If them sharing themselves is a dealbreaker and hurtful, then I hope all AP's draw that line in the sand and demand more. Love shouldn't hurt. I realise this might be off topic, but I just wanted to say that I have 'met' some truly lovely AP's on this site over the years and have always wished they demanded more, no one should have those mind pictures.

[ThatJustHappened]

If you were in a serious relationship with a married man or woman, do you find it acceptable for them to being having sex with their married partner?

 

If they tell you they don't have sex with their partners anymore, do you think that it's realistic to believe them? Then when they do, do you think it's acceptable that they've lied?

 

 

 

I broke up with my MW Thursday, after she confessed that she had sex with him once last month. This was right after she cried and drank herself to death, thinking I was having sex with other girls while with her (which I wasn't.) I wasn't sure if we were having an open relationship back then to be honest. But she told me she can't accept that from me, and so we reached an agreement that we'd only be having sex with each other.

 

Our relationship has gotten a lot more hectic since then. We'd call each other every night and morning to check on each other to see where we're at. I have a hard time believing a man and a woman can sleep with each other every night and not have sex. But she had me believing it for 2 months that she didn't. She'd call me every night at 8:30-9 and talk until she sleeps. Then once again when she wakes up before getting ready for work.

 

 

 

Now she tells me how I can expect a man and a woman to sleep every night with each other and not have sex. She cried about it and made us promise and now she's turning it on me.

 

Well I broke up with her and told her what she did broke my trust and she can go sex him up all she wants.

 

Now she's begging for me to come back and wants one chance to explain herself. I'm seeing her tomorrow in the morning.

 

You have no right not to accept her having sex with her husband. If you don't like it, don't sleep with married women.

[spice4life]

I think what is important is what is agreed between you and your A partner. Everyone that is having an affair is already doing something that's not acceptable to society at large. Where do you draw the line? The standard has to be between you and your partner in crime.

 

You talk about rights of control and rights of demand. I don't think anyone has a right to control anyone in any type of relationship. Anyone can make demands though. Whether the other party agrees to it or not is up to them. I don't see why a OW/OM doesn't have a right to make that demand. If the MM/MW doesn't like that they can just forfeit the relation or lie.

 

I still remember my MW first telling me, "I can't accept you having sex with another woman because you are single."

 

Does being married somehow give you more rights to make demands in an A?

 

Maybe I am alone on the planet when it comes to this. But I think if anyone has the right to be an infidel in all this, it's the single person. I can sleep with anyone I want. I don't because I love her.. But see, if you want that from me, there's also a price you got to pay. If you break the deal, you either gotta be really slick about it or I'm out.

 

That's my crazy way of seeing things. Agree or disagree, I don't really care anymore to explain .

 

I do hear what your saying and I definitely understand where you are coming from. It's not a fair request. You know what the funny part is, the single one is usually happy to honor that request. I did. I was very loyal. And I had no problem with it at all. The other funny part is that I never asked him if he was exclusive with me. I was afraid to be honest...for a few reasons. One, I didn't want him to lie about it and two, I didn't want to hear it if he did. So basically I'm screwed either way...lol.

 

I don't know what the right answer is and it really comes down to finding a middle ground that works for you as ironic as that sounds. How do you find a peaceful middle ground in such an unbalanced situation to begin with? In my situation he made it abundantly clear he was happy being married, so my middle ground was I would be exclusive and when the time came where that wasn't enough and I wanted to start dating, I would be honest and tell him. And I told him it wasn't because I didn't love him...I did and still do. It's a very hard thing to do, but when a person decides they need more they have to honor that and take care of themselves. That didn't mean I would start having sex with every guy I dated either. However, if I met someone I was interested in getting to know and it was mutual I would have to end it with him. I'm not the kind of person who can have two relationships at the same time...it's too stressful! I'm one guy kinda girl.

 

Ironically, I never had to tell him I was dating because I never did and I'm still not dating now!

 

Anyway, I'm tired and don't feel like editing so I apologize if this post is a grammatic mess!

 

Speaking of issues another thing I found hard was not being able to discuss things that bother you. For instance, I remember running into some of his friends at a concert. I felt so awkward. I wasn't a part of his real life and it felt weird to be in that situation. You know what mean? I had so many feelings about that and it really bothered me for days! I had to avoid him. It made me realize that he had this whole other life that I knew nothing about and one that he could enjoy out in the open. I saw for the first time that I only occupy a very small dark corner of it. It freaked me out! It was a very lonely feeling. I would never tell (so don't go there), but then his wife and family became real to me and I started to feel really guilty.

 

Sorry for rambling. I was on a roll with the stuff you get faced with while in an affair.

Edited February 26, 2013 by spice4life

[ViresSanctity]

Yes, it IS important what is agreed between you and your A partner, but all I’m saying is no matter what you agree, and no matter how much you love each other and how much of a priority you make each other, you are STILL making those agreements and promises WITHIN your own marriages (for whomever is married, I mean). This gives some leniency and understanding with regard to breaking those agreements and promises because “things happen”.

 

Yes, no one has the right to control a person they’re in a relationship with. But by someone breaking up with their A partner because that partner slept with their husband and you can’t deal with it? That IS exerting control! Don’t you see? You’ve said “Hey, we had an agreement and you broke it. Yes, I know you’re married but you still promised you were ONLY with me now. So now because you did this WRONG thing, I am leaving you.” Punishment. Control.

 

You’d prefer your OW to have broken up with you because she didn’t know if she’d ever have to sleep with her husband again at some point? You’d prefer your OW to have just lied to you instead of confiding in you about that aspect of her life?

 

Demanding your un-married partner not to sleep with other men is reasonable once you agree to be exclusive. There’s no one else. There was no one else when you entered the picture. Demanding your married partner not to sleep with anyone else OUTSIDE the marriage besides you? Reasonable also. But demanding your MARRIED partner (and it was your choice to BE their partner despite the fact they were married when you arrived) not sleep with her HUSBAND? Not unreasonable in terms of your emotional needs for exclusivity with her, but it’s unrealistic to expect this promise to be completely upheld at all times.

 

Your logic is you don’t sleep with anyone else even though you’re single, because you love her and only want her. That makes sense, and she probably only wants you too, HOWEVER. She. Is. MARRIED. She has a HUSBAND there in bed next to her every night. Sometimes that husband, not knowing she’s with you at all, will want sex, and if she NEVER allows this, what would happen? (what you perhaps WANT to happen, that he will leave her and she’ll be all your’s?)

 

I do understand your feelings by the way. I DIDN’T like when my ex-MM had sex with his wife, as infrequent as it apparently was, but who was I to say don’t do that? Or you shouldn’t have done that, I’m leaving you now. We BOTH understood each other’s restrictions even if we didn’t like them.

 

I disagree with the control part. Although I can see how threatening someone with leaving can be used as a measure of control, I never left her that way. Only when you threaten them to see how they react without the intentions of actually leaving will that be control. And that is never how I used it.

 

I am going to go with "not settling for less" part for the reason for leaving.

 

It is baffling and a sight of laughter for many people that a man who goes for a married woman would talk about "not settling for less."

 

That is because I, at least, never came into this affair would the thought of it staying as an affair for long. I would never in my life think of even taking another man's woman until I've met her. If you've met her, you would see a woman that is so far removed from her husband that you forget that she is married.

 

When you accept all these things are bound to happen, and make exceptions in your mind as lee-way I find it starting to get really depressing. Like you've given up and accepted your role as a mistress/mister in that MW's/MM's life forever.

 

I took a stand though. Although I know this relationship didn't start out under the best circumstance, it's still supposedly love we're talking about. We're past the puppy love stage of getting butterflies when we see each other. We're not here for casual sex with each other. It's this way or I'm out.

 

 

She had accepted a lot of what I said at the beginning of our affair and willingly chose to come with me.

 

So I do get this sense of entitlement with her because of that. It's him or me. I've been lenient enough with the time frame I've given her. I don't wait around on women and she knows that.

 

So I'm not staying.

[ViresSanctity]

You have no right not to accept her having sex with her husband. If you don't like it, don't sleep with married women.

 

I have every right to make my voice heard. If she doesn't like it, don't have an affair with a single man like me.

 

This is the first and probably the last affair I'll ever have anyway.

Edited February 26, 2013 by ViresSanctity

[ViresSanctity]

While a healthy sex life is of course important in any relationship, it is the day to day sharing of life, stuff, shared moments that really make the glue that gives a relationship strength. I would be far more hung up on the hugs, the laughter, the shared dreams and plans for the future and the intimacy than just sex. I simply don't understand how anyone can settle for less and while it hurt like mad to know that my H had sex with someone else, had he shared intimacy would have hurt far more.

 

I agree that there's more to a relationship than just amazing sex.

 

Although when it comes to cheating, I think we're just wired differently. Men don't have to be as emotionally involved when they're cheating, and in fact most studies show this. It could be like watching porn to them. And that is why it's easier to accept for a woman *edit* who is MARRIED to them. Probably harder on the OW though.

 

If them sharing themselves is a dealbreaker and hurtful, then I hope all AP's draw that line in the sand and demand more. Love shouldn't hurt. I realise this might be off topic, but I just wanted to say that I have 'met' some truly lovely AP's on this site over the years and have always wished they demanded more, no one should have those mind pictures.

 

I think that's what WE ALL need to see here.

Edited February 26, 2013 by ViresSanctity

[Got it]

I have every right to make my voice heard. If she doesn't like it, don't have an affair with a single man like me.

 

This is the first and probably the last affair I'll ever have anyway.

 

I completely agree. We have the right to voice our opinion and boundaries on whatever we want. It is up to the other party to agree or disagree.

 

After we started, yes we did agree to be exclusive. He was married awhile longer than myself so yes it was a leap of faith. While I was realistic to know that it potentially could happen I trusted that if he lied about it, it would surface at some point and I would address. Since our affair started because of lack of sex with our spouses and the decision to divorce, snuggling with the spouse would be counter intuitive.

 

I think if one is going to be in an affair, expectations, boundaries, and priorities are essential (just like in any relationship) so I see no issues with expecting it from your MW. Like yourself, I did not see myself being in an affair for long as it was a bandaid/short term solution. Because I saw it as a privilege that he had me accommodating by being in an affair, my expectations were high and nonnegotiable.

 

We all have expectations in relationships, some are negotiable, some are not. It may come down to a square peg/round hole situation and is what it is.

[SunsetRed]

Most of us stay in denial and believe that our MM really is sleeping in the garage or on the couch.

 

Its probably easier to be the female affair partner and believe the Married Man when he says that his wife wont have sex with him, than it would be to be the male affair partner and believe a woman when she says she and her husband don't have sex.

 

I admit to being STUPID w my MM. I believed they weren't having sex, even when they took a camping trip or a trip to Vegas, I convinced myself they had separate tents or rooms.