jerryinva Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 I saw the post below about dreams coming true. I am happy for him, if they are finally coming true. I don't how I would have the courage and the strength to do what he did. I have read a couple of books on this topic, one called "How To Win Your Lover Back." In it, it talks about being a friend to your ex. Almost, if not all good relationships are built on friendship. The book talks about being there for your friend, and yes, even offering advice and or support with their new relationship. Why? To allow them to breathe, to feel like you aren't still holding on to them. It also, usually, according to this book and others, will cause them to see you in a new light, and often, see that although you are their friend, you are "slipping away," even if you really aren't. SO that brings me to me. A lot of people have posted on asking me why I am still friends with her (my ex) and still try to hang onto to the hope. My answer is this: 1) I am trying to follow what the books suggest. 2) There are times in weakness, tiredness, sleepiness or when she has let her guard down, she has told me she loves me. 3) I still believe she afraid of being hurt, so she shies away when things start going well. This made yesterday good, and bad. Yesterday she took off of work, because she had to run out of town to take care of some personal business. I had indicated I would like to go, and she called me yesterday morning and asked me if I would. I did. Most of the trip was easy, we laughed, joked generally had a good time together. She experience some stress related to what she was doing, but it wasn't stress caused by me. But the ride was very revealing. In one instance, when we stopped to get food, she saw a red, white and blue drink mug that she really wanted, but since I was buying lunch, she wouldn't get it. Later, when we passed the same place, I mentioned that I wished she had gotten it. She said she felt silly like it was a waste of money. I replied with, but your face lit up when you saw it... So, she stopped and got it, when got something to eat. She commented that I looked sad she wasn't going to get it initially, and that was what partially made her stop and get it on the way back. I just replied that I don't get to see her face light up like that...and it made me sad that something so simple was making her smile, but she was going to pass it by. But yesterday was difficult in a few ways. First, she commented how we had never ridden anywhere of distance, where we had not had a fight at some point in the trip. And so, a few times she recalled things like us riding together back home where we both grew up...and then she looks sad, because she remembers the arguing. She said she wished she had more positive memories to associate with me like that. MY dad says that he thinks that is one of the things that has turned her off to the idea of being with me. Secondly, I found myself having to reassure her, when she was expressing her insecurities about if she was going to be able to keep the new guy, who is 54. I did my best to try to build her confidence, which was killing me inside...but, remembering what I read, I knew that being supportive is important. Then, he called...because he wanted to make sure she was ok...apparently, she was only going to take a half day at first, and that was the last he knew, so when he called her cell phone, she knew it was because he was concerned. I told her to go ahead and call him back, I know how it feels to worry about her... So, when we stopped for gas, she did. I was going to get out, take a walk, use the restroom, jump off a bridge, whatever. When she asked me where was I going when she picked up her phone to call him, I said I was going to use the restroom, and that would give her privacy. She replied with, you don't need to go anywhere...you can if you want, if it would feel uncomfortable for you, but I won't be saying anything that I don't want you to hear...I am just letting him know I am ok... So, although my first instinct was to cut and run...I stayed...remembering what I read, and remembering that me walking away was sending the message I can't handle it (which I can't), and am not "man" enough to sit out a simple 2 minute call. GOD!!! Was that hard. But I did it. Bottom line, she loves spending time with him, and vice versa. He has said he was going to teach her chess, how to cook, French, and about woodworking. I believe he has a genuine interest in her, but I feel there is a need he is trying to fulfill. They have lunch together everyday, they have eaten together at night at least 4 times in the last 2 to 3 weeks. She really wants this to work with this guy, and it is killing me to see her slip away. I am still trying to be that friend the books talk about, but it is hard. HARD. On top of that, we have the ex-fiance. She has commented, and I have heard in their phone conversations, that there is definite tension there between them. He is not happy. I can't blame him. What makes me angry is, she feels sorry for him, because she feels like he is lost without her...he seems listless, and in a daze. I have to tell you, when she broke up with him before I found her again (we were best friends in 1 year of elementary school, inseperable is wat I have been reminded by my family), she made the comment when we were trying to make a go of a relationship, that he seemed lost and lonely...ultimately, with a little (ok..maybe a lot) of screwing up by me...and him pressing on with the friendship, and feeling/acting lost...she ended up back with him. Most recently, when she broke off the engagement, he commented that she wasn't going anywhere, she would be back. So...this is why I have hung on. It was following the advice of books I had read, and advice from those close to me. The good news is...we didn't have a fight during the trip yesterday, probably a first, if not a first, certainly a rarity. But boy, was that a hard situation... And today, she is back at work, and going to lunch with the new guy. She has told me she could never love me like I want her to. I have replied, that is because you haven't allowed your heart to. When you let your guard down, it sometimes sneaks out..until you realize it, and slam the door shut. Why? Because she is afraid of getting hurt, by me. She is afraid she won't be able to keep this guy... I undertstand her fear, but I also think she is afraid he is going to hurt her... All I know for sure is, I love her...but she is tearing me in half. Part of me wants to be her friend, and be there for her...she is an important part of my life. The other part of me wants to run and run like Forrest Gump did... And her comment...that she want me to be at her wedding, if she ever gets married again...that if I am not there...it will break her heart... I just don't understand... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 Of course...today she is being distant again...because she back to work...and around the 54 year old...who is going to lunch with her again.. it seems now he can't eat without her... Link to post Share on other sites
Wishfulthinking Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Dude, you need to totally cut this chick off. I know it is hard to do but being mister nice guy never works. I would not have anymore contact with her. Let her miss you and realize what she has lost. Being there every time she needs you makes you look like a sucker. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 Good point. I was willing to try the other way first...but maybe that is the ONLY way. Link to post Share on other sites
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