Should I tell him what's bothering me or just scrap the whole thing?

[ditzchic]

So I have this friend. Who's a guy. Someone I used to date actually. We broke up almost 2 years ago and went over a year with no contact and somehow we reconnected as friends about 9ish months ago. We've been prety good friends since the reconnection. We talk almost daily and have never gone more than a week with no contact with each other. It's 95% him that does the initiating.

 

Here's the thing, I'm pretty sure we are both at least somewhat interested in trying again. I know I am to a point and he acts like it just by all the flirting and hinting that he does. A few times after too much to drink he even kind of booty called me. not in a real explicit dirty way but more of a 'I wish I could see you right now.' way. I always shut him down. It's just too risky for me.

 

The issue is me and timing. I find him to be pretty immature. We are in fifferent spots in life. We arent that young. I'm 31, he's 30. He drinks all the time, is still in party mode, isn't happy with his job, where he lives etc. i just made a move to a new city for a better job and am really happy with where I am and even more happy about all the possibilities that could be in store for me. It's just not right right now. But I really enjoy talking to him. I enjoy his friendship and I just like having him in my life in some aspects.

 

Seems like for the last month or so domething is going on with him. There's been a change. He's become a total pig. And he's filling me in on all the details. I've told him before (months ago) that I don't like talking details of our "romantic lives". We're both living our seperate lives and meeting seperate people. It's not so much a matter of jealousy for me as it is boundaries. I just like to keep my exploits private and prefer not to know all the details of rveryone else's. especially my guy friends. He was cool for awhile and now all of a sudden it's becoming ridiculous! I'm hearing every detail of every encounter with rvery girl. Not sexual encounters but just him flirting and talking to and being interested in other girls. It's weirding me out and making me uncomfortable.

 

Like last night, he was drinking. He texts me and asks me if he can come see me. We live 2 hours away from each other. He was drinking. I said no. Cut to two minutes later he's telling me he's talking to some girl on an online dating site and she's really into him (seems like he was trying to make me jealous) says something like "she wants all of this and I'm gonna give it to her." I laughed it off and then he said "I don't want to date date her though. I'm gonna date her to **** her." I backed out of the conversation pretty quick and ended it with a joke about how I could burn our friendship down anytime I wanted.

 

Based on his recent behavior I'm totally expecting him to follow up with me on what happens between him and this girl. When that happens, is it best to have some real talk with him about how I'm not really feeling these conversations about every date he goes on? Or should I just say enough is enough and walk away from this completely? I'm really torn. I know I made him sound like a loser but I really do see something in this guy. There's more there than what he puts out to the world. But at what point does it become ridiculous for me to maintain a friendship with someone thats clearly making me uncomfortable?

 

Thoughts? Insights?

[Apolodor]

He seems desperate to get back with you and, from what you are saying, he seems rather immature for someone of his age. By responding to his texts and phone calls you are somewhat leading him on. It's best if you can explain him that you are no longer interested in him and then cut off all contact. You enjoy his friendship for selfish reasons, while he keeps hoping that there is a glimmer of hope for you two.

[ditzchic]

He seems desperate to get back with you and, from what you are saying, he seems rather immature for someone of his age. By responding to his texts and phone calls you are somewhat leading him on. It's best if you can explain him that you are no longer interested in him and then cut off all contact. You enjoy his friendship for selfish reasons, while he keeps hoping that there is a glimmer of hope for you two.

 

I don't think he's been desperate to get back with me... This whole thing makes me think that he thinks of me like more of an option than anything. I guess it's tit for tat because he's because I've made him an option to.

 

Thinking about it more, I think I'm going to take some time and get really "busy" when he calls or texts. It's a game but I'm going to test the friendship. If we can come back to good friendly terms after a month or so then I know it's a real friendship. If things get weird or we forget about each other than we know it was just boredom and selfishness.

[Survivor12]

I don't think he's been desperate to get back with me... This whole thing makes me think that he thinks of me like more of an option than anything. I guess it's tit for tat because he's because I've made him an option to.

 

Thinking about it more, I think I'm going to take some time and get really "busy" when he calls or texts. It's a game but I'm going to test the friendship. If we can come back to good friendly terms after a month or so then I know it's a real friendship.If things get weird or we forget about each other than we know it was just boredom and selfishness.

 

ox·y·mo·ron

/ˌäksəˈmôrˌän/

Noun

A figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction

[ditzchic]

ox·y·mo·ron

/ˌäksəˈmôrˌän/

Noun

A figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction

 

I don't get this. How is it an oxymoron?

[baRx]

I don't get this. How is it an oxymoron?

 

you're talking about testing him, playing games with him to see if it's a "real" friendship. real friends don't play games with other friends to test their friendship level.

 

you're 31? i would just have another conversation about how you don't care to listen to the details of his "romantic" life again. also, explain to him that the way you see him (immature, party mode; maybe not in those exact words) is a turnoff for you, and you'd rather keep things on a friendly basis rather than getting drunken "kind of" booty calls.

[Standard-Fare]

I think there's a risk that by telling him that his stories bother you, he may get the impression you're jealous -- which seems to be (possibly) what he's going for in the first place? You'd have to express yourself carefully, that's for sure.

 

But overall, yeah, sounds like you two need to consider what you're doing. Sounds like you both may have each other on the sideburner. Maybe there's nothing wrong with that but things could get more complicated than you anticipate.

 

I'm curious about the background -- how long you dated, how bad the breakup was, and how on earth you managed to form this kind of friendship.

Edited February 25, 2013 by Standard-Fare

[ditzchic]

I think there's a risk that by telling him that his stories bother you, he may get the impression you're jealous -- which seems to be (possibly) what he's going for in the first place? You'd have to express yourself carefully, that's for sure.

 

But overall, yeah, sounds like you two need to consider what you're doing. Sounds like you both may have each other on the sideburner. Maybe there's nothing wrong with that but things could get more complicated than you anticipate.

 

I'm curious about the background -- how long you dated, how bad the breakup was, and how on earth you managed to form this kind of friendship.

 

We didnt date long and we weren't super serious. We were only together for about 3-4 months. The breakup wasn't that dramatic. He actually broke up me. I was hurt but there wasn't any drama. We came back in contact by accident actually. A spam email sent from my account to his that he responded to.

[Standard-Fare]

Ditzchic, I was actually genuinely curious about your story with this dude, so I went back and read some of your old posts.

 

Here's one woman's honest opinion:

 

I think you need to stop f*cking around with this guy and go for it.

 

You had major, crippling regrets over the breakup. You recognized your mistakes. And here you have a second chance, which seems to have opened up out of the blue due to a mere fluke.

 

Life is short. It only hands you so many opportunities. You have one now in front of you but you seem to be choosing passivity.

 

I do understand your fear of getting hurt again... it's definitely valid. I will even go as far as saying there's a decent chance you could get your heart broken here. But you need to realize that this quasi-friendship phase where you're both single and he's showing interest is not going to last forever. Think honestly about how you'd feel right now if he started dating someone seriously and that girl replaced you as his focus, the one he texted all day, etc.

 

I'm not saying call him up tonight and tell him you're in love and want to have his babies. But maybe sometime soon you guys should hang out in a way that would be interpreted more as a clear-cut "date" and see where that heads.

 

I should add that I'm speaking to you as someone who had a second chance with an ex I loved and f*cked it up AGAIN by making the same exact mistakes -- being aloof and cagey with him and not really allowing him into my life. I was scared, period. And he, understandably, bailed. And though I acknowledge it might not have worked out anyway, I do regret not giving things a real chance. Instead of diving naked into the lake, I dipped my toes on the surface. And guess what, my heart got broken anyway and I'm left with major doubts and regrets.