What does it mean that my boyfriend still talks to his ex?

[Happenstance]

I've never taken myself as the jealous type but I almost feel as if I'm being disrespected because my boyfriend is still in contact with his ex. This problem started when I found out his ex called him. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't snooping through his phone. I was sitting right next to him when I was messing around with his phone and accidently found out his ex called him the night before around 10pm. He didn't pick up though. It boggles my mind why she would call him at that time and that he didn't bother telling me either. He had told me before that he stopped all connection to her so I tried not to make this call as big of a deal.

 

Before I go further on with the problem, I need to give a little more description. He broke up with her about five months before we started dating.. They use to live together. They left him to move in with another guy whom she told him that she loves. I understand that he might still be in the grieving process of this break-up. Every time he would talk about her, he would get worked up and say that she was crazy and abusive. I honestly thought this sounded a little far-fetched but I had no other basis to go by. Some times I feel like he would compare me to her.

 

Moving on, we've been dating for a few months now. He still had photos of her on his facebook with terms of endearment such as "my love." I have expressed to him in how uncomfortable I was with this photos. He took them down but told me that he didn't see any problems with them because they were still friends.

 

I finally had it when I looked through his messages on facebook. I know that was an absolutely terrible thing to do but instincts been telling me that things still weren't resolved with his ex. I felt like a terrible person to have these perception, especially that I didn't have any real basis for them. I completely crossed the line by invading his privacy. I did find out that he never did cut his connection with her and continued to talk to her behind my back. On top of that she sent him an image of them kissing and wrote how she was feeling nostalgic. This was only a few days ago. I just can't understand why she would do this, especially when she is living with another guy.

 

I have spoken to my boyfriend about it. He said that he just couldn't cut things off with her and that they're just friends. After talking to him, we did make up. I still feel roused up by this. Now i distrust him and he distrusts me. I don't know if I should talk to him again since I still feel this way. I'm afraid he might see it as a complaint.

 

At this point is this relationship doomed?

What does it mean that he is still talking to his ex?

[ditzchic]

I don't think the contact with the ex is the problem. The fact that he purposely and bold faced lied to you is.

 

You guys need to have a real talk about that.

[2sunny]

He's obviously still interested in her... He's willing to risk your R by communicating with her...on top of that he's kept it a secret.

 

Your guy is a douche. He wants her - you should send him on his way to her now.

[Happenstance]

I don't think the contact with the ex is the problem. The fact that he purposely and bold faced lied to you is.

 

You guys need to have a real talk about that.

 

We have spoke about it. In his defense he wasn't lying because he said that she is the one contacting him. He also said he felt like it wasn't necessary for him to tell me this.

 

Would you say that omitting is a form of lying?

[ditzchic]

We have spoke about it. In his defense he wasn't lying because he said that she is the one contacting him. He also said he felt like it wasn't necessary for him to tell me this.

 

Would you say that omitting is a form of lying?

 

Omitting is exactly the same thing as lying. If you ask if there's contact and he said no, that's a lie. It doesn't matter who reached out. Contact was still made. If he were truly innocent he wouldn't have to lie about it. He could have told you that to begin with.

[Happenstance]

Omitting is exactly the same thing as lying. If you ask if there's contact and he said no, that's a lie. It doesn't matter who reached out. Contact was still made. If he were truly innocent he wouldn't have to lie about it. He could have told you that to begin with.

 

Should I bother letting him to explain himself once more or is this already a lost cause?

 

It sucks now to come to realize that I'm the "other".

[2sunny]

Should I bother letting him to explain himself once more or is this already a lost cause?

 

It sucks now to come to realize that I'm the "other".

 

No! You already know he lies!

[CC12]

At this point is this relationship doomed?

 

There are two major issues - one is the snooping, and the other is the secretive, inappropriate conversations with his ex. Those would be deal breakers for me, personally. I hate snooping and I think it's really wrong (I think you and I agree on this) but if you feel like that's the only way you'll get the truth, that's a huge problem. To me, snooping should be like, the last resort. Then it's, "I'll either find the things I'm looking for and it will be over OR I won't find anything, and if I don't find anything, I still won't be satisfied because he might be really good at hiding things and it really boils down to 'I do not trust him' and this relationship either needs to be over or I/we need some therapy or something." And you did find the things you were looking for.

 

 

What does it mean that he is still talking to his ex?

 

It would mean nothing if he were still talking to his ex because they were legitimately friends and there were no romantic feelings there and nothing inappropriate going on. It's okay to be friends with exes, I think. But your boyfriend and his ex are not "just friends" if they're still sharing intimate photos of themselves and reminiscing about their time together. And he's also hiding it from you.

 

In his defense he wasn't lying because he said that she is the one contacting him.

He was dishonest, though. I can see the conversation going something like this:

 

You: Are you still in contact with your ex?

Him: Oh, I never contact her. [unspoken: But she still contacts me.]

 

Technically, that's not a lie, but everyone knows what your question meant, and so did he, but his answer was not the honest truth. You can't really defend that deception.

 

It would be like me eating an entire cake when I'm left alone with it. People would come in and see remnants of cake and be like, "Whoa, did you eat that entire cake?!" And I'd be like, "No, I didn't eat the entire cake." And it would be the truth because there are still remnants so I'm not a liar, leave me alone, okay?

 

You caught him doing things he shouldn't be doing. I don't know why you made up with him when you still had unresolved feelings about this. You should bring it up with him again.

[KatZee]

Every time he would talk about her, he would get worked up and say that she was crazy and abusive.

 

Moving on, we've been dating for a few months now. He still had photos of her on his facebook with terms of endearment such as "my love." I have expressed to him in how uncomfortable I was with this photos. He took them down but told me that he didn't see any problems with them because they were still friends.

 

I know that was an absolutely terrible thing to do but instincts been telling me that things still weren't resolved with his ex.

 

I did find out that he never did cut his connection with her and continued to talk to her behind my back.

 

On top of that she sent him an image of them kissing and wrote how she was feeling nostalgic. This was only a few days ago.

 

He said that he just couldn't cut things off with her and that they're just friends.

 

Now i distrust him and he distrusts me. I don't know if I should talk to him again since I still feel this way.

 

At this point is this relationship doomed?

What does it mean that he is still talking to his ex?

 

Reading all this honestly brought me back to my last relationship. Is your relationship doomed? I'd say it's not in a good place right now at all.

 

My ex did all these same things, except unlike you I chose to blindly believe him when he said bad things about her. Red flag #1. Any emotion, good OR BAD means there are feelings still there.

 

He knows you're uncomfortable with their contact, and seeing their photos and instead of taking you seriously, he just makes excuses.

 

He's lying to your face about being in contact with her. My ex did this as well. I found out he was initiating conversations with her, and actually met up with her. Not sure how many times. I'm aware of one serious incident.

 

You're snooping through his things at 5 months in. You admit there is no trust. Red flag #2. No trust? No relationship. Period.

 

She's sending him pictures of them kissing because she still has unresolved feelings from that relationship as well. Doesn't matter that she's living with someone else. He could be a crutch, he is almost definitely a rebound. Red flag #3. They both have unresolved romantic feelings for each other.

 

Red flag #4. It's not that he can't cut contact with her. He WON'T cut contact with her. At this point, she is more important than you.

 

In my relationship, I ignored all the red flags, or was just flat out unaware of things. All of that unresolved tension my boyfriend had for his ex, lead to him cheating on me with her. It's a clear lack of respect to you what he's doing, and honestly he doesn't sound emotionally available to you right now.

 

I wouldn't continue on with this for a second longer. He needs to sort things out with her, you're only going to be dragged through the mud and through their drama. His ex is not going away, he's not going to stop talking to her. She's obviously NOT just a friend for the fact she's sending pictures of them kissing. She's going to try to get him back. You don't need this crap in your life.

[MJGeorgia]

If a guy lies to you once he will do it again. My ex-boyfriend always told me lies. I would not be with someone I didn't trust and that doesn't trust me. It sounds like you can do better than him. I know it's hard to break up with someone you care about because I had a hard time leaving my ex-boyfriend. I found out that I am actually happier with out him than I was with him. He sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings at all. He sounds a lot like my ex-boyfriend.