How ironic -- MM broken hearted

[brandx]

I am still speechless. Not even sure how to handle the emotions. Not necessarily looking for sympathy, just need to release at this point.

 

Some of you know my recent story. An update: I have told my wife the truth, that I married her because she was pregnant. I have stayed in it for our daughter and cannot do it any more. She is crushed, but we are working on the divorce. I have been more than willing to be fair, and I think things will work out for the best. She does not want to make me stay if it makes me miserable, which it does.

 

Part of the catalyst for my finally being honest with myself was a friend that I met. This woman is an absolute angel of a human being. We had such a connection, but have refrained from getting too physically intimate because of my divorce just getting underway. Regardless, emotionally, we have been very intimate, which I know is cheating on my wife, but it is what it is.

 

We both knew I was not leaving my wife for her. I have told her many times and she did not want me to for that reason. I am leaving a loveless marriage. The fact that I happened into someone so incredible seems more a matter of chance, or fate, although I have never been big on fate. Regardless, we both knew there was something incredible between us and we were going to wait until my divorce was final to really pursue this.

 

A part of my personality, especially since realizing my true feelings about my marriage, has been total and complete honesty. I can not lie to myself or to others any longer, so I have told her everything as things have happened. Well, I decided that since she was investing feelings in someone who could not wholly be with her until my divorce was final, I owed her the courtesy of telling her things up front that I typically would wait to tell someone after I have known them for a much longer time, maybe a year. Mistakes I have made in the past that I am not proud of, but know why they happened and feel they do not detract from the person I am today. In fact, I could not be who I am today without having made and learned from those mistakes. After I shared some of this with her, I could hear it in her voice (talking on phone -- we live 200 miles away). Something had freaked her out. This was last night about 7:30. I called her cell to touch base with her about 9:30, and it rang until voicemail. Something told me she was not really wanting to talk to me. I left her a message saying I was sorry if I had blown her away with what I had told her, but that I want to be up front with her.

 

So today, I would usually hear from her on her way to work. No call. She would usually email me by 9:30. At 10, I emailed her asking how she was. She came back and said not good. I asked why, knowing the answer, but not wanting to assume. She confirmed it was what I had told her. She came back and said that it changes things.

 

Damn

 

She needs to know all of me, not just the pretty parts. I wanted to give her that up front. Maybe I overwhelmed her, but I am not sure how. If nothing else, she knew I was a married man cheating on his wife. To me, there is nothing worse. It is not as much that I want her to stay by me if I am not what she wants long term. Here is how I put it to her:

 

"I am sorry that the facts about my background/who I am may have caused you fear or pain, or maybe even disillusionment. I hope you can see your way through to not judge who I am by the mistakes I have made and learned from. Regardless of what I have done or had happen to me, I am the person you thought I was before our conversation.

 

I will accept you moving on because who I am or the situation I am in is not who/what you want to have in your future; I will not say ok to the notion that the mistakes I have made make me a different person than you thought I was. They have helped me to be the person you cared about."

 

How is it that I can hurt more over this than the fact that I am divorcing my wife. I am at a loss for words. Thanks for letting me get some of this out.

 

Brand X

[Touch_of_Naughtiness]

She knew you are married, right? What was it that you told her then that made her feel so bad?

[brandx]

Yes, she knew.

 

I told her a couple of things; I am not thrilled to put these out here because they are extremely personal. Not sure exactly what it was; she hasn't said. I told her to take whatever time she needs. The only 2 things that I can think of are:

 

1. My Father in Law and I had arranged to have my wife check herself into a mental institution about 4 years ago because she was going through a VERY hard time and doing some things that I was afraid were going to destroy her life; plus she was making some threats to herself. It was a terrible mistake, but I take responsibility for my part in it.

 

2. I told her I have been on medication to suppress Herpes for 5 years. That I think I got if from my wife, since I have been married for almost 8 years and never had it before. Plus, suddenly after that, my wife had it. My wife is the only one I had ever had physical contact with in all that time. I suppose it could have been latent from someone before my wife, but I had not had very much sex at all prior to her.

 

That's all I can think of. We talked some about how long it takes for the divorce process; I admitted that I would not ever blame her for telling me to call her when I was done. But she didn't even seem to react to that. So I tend to think it was one of the two things above. I hate to air my own dirt, but I am pretty unraveled by this; I guess I just didn't see it coming. I know I tainted her picture of me as perfect, which I never pretended to be and did not want to have to live up to, but I guess I did not see eiter of these as deal breakers. Being married would have been a deal breaker.

 

In the end, all I really care about is that she is happy. I hate the idea that there is something about me that she sees that she cannot accept, but I will live with whatever she decides if that is what she needs. I guess maybe I just made the mistake of hoping too much on this one. I think maybe it has been so long since I have really felt strongly for anyone besides my daughter that I am not prepared for how to cope with it. I know I will be fine, it just seems like a waste to throw it away for one of those reasons. The married part, I easily understand, but those? I feel like I am being judged without the benefit of having walked in my shoes. Again, though, she deserves happiness. I will not fight it. I will move on and have to be happy by myself. I just hate the feeling in the meantime. And even if she decides that she can handle these things all of a sudden, how do I have the balls to tell her anything about my past again? Damn. What a waste.

 

Thanks

Brand X

 

PS -- LadyAngel, if you read this, your quote is my current mantra

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

Robert Frost

[Artifact]

My guess is it's the herpes. She has probably been hoping for and imagining the day you two can run around like bunnies having sex, and now her image is clouded with caution. If she doesn't know much about herpes in the first place, she might also have many misconstrued ideas about break outs, contagiousness, etc. The commercials on TV may make herpes look fun, but we all know there's something behind the eyes of all of those hikers and kayakers...

 

When she does decide to talk to you about whatever the issue is (you never know with women ) just give her the space to talk it out. All you can do is explain what you can, and share you feelings when you cannot.

[Matilda]

I don't see either of those things as deal breakers either. I would think the being married part would be the worst. Maybe it's a combination of everything?

[Touch_of_Naughtiness]

Maybe you took her by surpise or it's just too much for her to handle all at once. Give her some time to get her thoughts together. If she really cares about you then she will be greatful that you are being honest with her.

 

I probably would have been scared about the std. Maybe she got a bad impression and thinks that you sleep around or cheat on your W all the time, even though that is not the case. When you do talk to her explain to her how it really is.

 

It's obvious by what you have posted that you care about this woman a lot; for that reason, I don't think it's a waste. Try not to involve her or relate to her some of your divorce issues because she might feel guilty.

 

If she does not want to be with you for something that you told her then maybe it's not meant to be and you should move on and focus on your daughter. It seems that you care about her a lot and for that reason try not to make it hard on her. She must feel bad being in her situation. She likes you but can't be with you. That's hard.

 

Talk to her when she is ready and let her know exactly how you feel and ask her to tell you how she feels. If it's too much for her to handle. And if it is something that you said then maybe she's not exactly who you think she is. If she cares about you she will come through eventually. Just take it one day at a time

[HokeyReligions]

Brandx, all you can do is be patient. You have been honest and upfront with everyone, now you have to allow her time to process the information.

 

I can understand why it hurts more. Your marriage is ending. You have no emotional connection to your wife. The other woman is in your future - you are/were looking forward to possibly developing a deeper relationship with her. You have an emotional attachment, so of course it's going to hurt more.

 

Good luck and I do hope that things work out for you ALL. Give her time, let her know that you will answer any questions that she may have (if you are) and don't pressure her too much. Maybe just court her slowly.

[brandx]

Originally posted by Artifact

My guess is it's the herpes. She has probably been hoping for and imagining the day you two can run around like bunnies having sex, and now her image is clouded with caution. If she doesn't know much about herpes in the first place, she might also have many misconstrued ideas about break outs, contagiousness, etc. The commercials on TV may make herpes look fun, but we all know there's something behind the eyes of all of those hikers and kayakers...

 

I don't know, you could be right. We have been so up front about not wanting to make this a sexual deal for a long time, so I hadn't thought of it quite that way. There are a lot of misconceptions about it. I know it is not a pleasant thought, but I have had to live with it, I know how to medicate for it (twice daily) and I know how to protect from it. Quite frankly, I would never ask anyone to do anything with me that they don't feel safe doing. I just hope that is not it.

 

When she does decide to talk to you about whatever the issue is (you never know with women ) just give her the space to talk it out. All you can do is explain what you can, and share you feelings when you cannot.

 

I have told her that I am going to back off because I do not want to invade her space and that whatever she decides is best for her to do, I will accept. I have to accept what she needs if I care about her. And let her move on if that is what she chooses. I just won't like it. I really hope she gives me the chance to talk with her about it, though.

 

Originally posted by Matilda

I don't see either of those things as deal breakers either. I would think the being married part would be the worst. Maybe it's a combination of everything?

 

I agree and wonder the same thing about it being a combination. I guess I will have to wait to see if I ever find out.

 

Thanks for your posts. I have no real outlets for talking about her except LS, so every little bit helps.

 

Brand X

[brandx]

Thank you both for what you have said. I am willing to answer any questions she has and I will have to be patient, I know. I think it is just so fresh in my heart, that I need to get feedback from others. I hope she gives me the opportunity to know what is bothering her about what I said and why she is scared. I can help her understand the circumstances of how things have occurred. How I am willing to be patient until she is comfortable if she just gives it the chance, but I have and will continue to go out of my way not to be hard on her. I told her to do whatever she needs to do to feel right about this, and that she knows how I feel and that I will be ready whenever she wants. But if she cannot see past these things, I will have to let her move on and do the same. I just really think there is an opportunity for something special there.

 

 

 

Hokey, you are right about why I hurt. Caught me so off guard though, hurting over this. If I could bottle up what has and is inside, I could make millions. I would be a fool not to want that in my life, even a day longer.

 

Thanks you both

 

Brand X

[brandx]

Just wanted to give an update to all of you who were kind enough to post on this thread. I sent her an email this morning, very low key, just saying hi and I am here if you need anything. She came back and opened up to me as best she can (she has admitted that she struggles opening up on things of significant emotional value sometimes). SHe did say, though, it is about the herpes. That it has freaked her out and that she automatically put up a wallwhen she heard it and she cannot get past that yet. She said maybe she is blowing it out of proportion or being cold, and admitted not knowing a lot about it, but that it was a big deal for her.

 

I thanked her for telling me about it, since I hate not knowing where I stand. I was very careful to validate her fears. I apologized to her for not being more sensitive to how it might make someone else feel when they heard I have it. Honestly, I never thought I would need to tell anyone since my wife knows and I hadn't been thinking about having sex for 6 months or more like a year. And since whoever gave it to me never had the decency or courtesy to tell me they had it, I have never been in her shoes. So I feel bad for not thinking of that and non-chalantly throwing it out there as a point of courtesy.

 

I then went on to tell her how I think I got it, my background for sex and testing of std's, my diagnosis, symptoms, treatment, medication, frequency, cycles of occurence for myself, etc. I gave her every piece of info I could. I asked her to consider calling her doctor or gynecologist to learn more, or I would help her find another doctor to talk with if she wanted. I even offered for her to talk with my doctor so that she could know for sure that I was being honest about my treatment, etc. I then gave her several resources for reading more on the disease.

 

I told her I will live with whatever she needs me to, but that I would really want her to try to learn as much as possible before making a decision and that with the feeling we have for each other and all the other positives, that I feel it is worth trying to work through. I also told her to let me know how she needs to process this and where she wants me to be or not be for her for now and I would respect that. I reiterated how I feel about her, but said I understand if this changes things for her, just please let me know where I stand and when, and that I miss her.

 

I just sent that off. God, took me almost 2 hours to put together my response and do some research to create it, and it was pretty long. I hope it helps. Either way, at least she gave me the chance to try. Thanks to all of you! I was feeling much stronger today and now feel even better having gotten the chance to tell her those things. If you have any other input, it is always appreciated.

 

Take Care

 

Brand X

[Artifact]

Sounds like you covered it! Good luck, brandx!

[fanou22]

Brandx,

 

I have been/still am in your shoes with the whole explanation about the symptoms, cycles, etc.......

I would not advise you to push the issue for her to accept. It frightens people when they know you have herpes.

You will develop an attachment to her that will never go anywhere.

 

No to be harsh on her, but she could have done some research and asked you some questions if she is willing to accept such a thing. Apparently she is not.

 

Anyway your last post clarifies her behavior and her emotions.

 

You don't need to wonder where you got the STD if you have been with the same partner. It is a shame when people don't tell you. There was no doubt in my mind who gave it to me and I know I will never forget that person. He is a constant reminder whenever I meet someone.

 

PM me if you would like to talk more about this issue.

[Touch_of_Naughtiness]

Hopefully everything goes well from here on out

 

Good Luck

[Quilly]

Brand X,

 

Once again... our lives seem to be running on somewhat parallel tracks. Sorry to hear that the OW might not live up to your expectations. You handled the situation wonderfully which doesn't surprise me (and it helps to reinforce for me that there are intelligent, sensitive men out there... I just hope some of them are still single when I'm back out there looking).

 

However, the way your OW handled the situation is concerning. Is she always going to run and hide from things that are difficult or uncomfortable? She may be a good listener, but can she also be a good communicator? Maybe something to think about. Good luck.

[brandx]

Thanks all for your comments, I appreciate it.

 

Quilly, thank you for the complements. Trust that you will indeed find a sensitive, intelligent man in your future. I know you will.

 

I too have thought about her communication as a potential red flag for the future. But, I am looking at it as an obstacle that we can overcome together if that is what we choose to do. I, myself, am a motor mouth when it comes to talking about how I feel and these sort of issues, so sometimes I do talk probably more than others, but I think that can help her see how to be comfortable with her feelings and expressing them. No matter what, if we can get past this obstacle, I have more than enough patience and see immense value n her that I think the communication can be worked to a more comfortable level. And guess what, if not? Then it wasn't meant to be and we both move on. But I refuse to let my fear of a potential obstacle stop me from trying.

 

We have talked several times since then. Most of them were just basic small talk and joking around, our normal. But last night I told her we needed to talk about it. She is still confused ad not sure what to feel. I basically told her she could really have only one of two bottom lines: 1st is fear. Fear can be overcome through education, preperation, protection, and smart choices. That we can work with. 2nd is that she finds H to be unacceptable in a potential partner. That cannot be overcome. I told her I will not "sell" myself on her and if it is a roadblock that she cannot move past, then we move on. For the first time, today I think, I have made some peace with both alternatives. She doesn't want to just drop things because she knows there is too much potential between us. So I will let her figure it out and be patient.

 

Quite frankly, I love our friendship, even though I do not know her well enough to love her. So I will be friends with her if that is all we can get. I never thought I could consider that, but I really like knowing her and there is no reason to push someone out of your life just because you cannot see eye to eye on an issue for romantic involvement. In the meantime, while she decides, I just intend to soak up every minute I can connecting with her. It is so enjoyable and feels great for all the right reasons. If things work out, she will appreciate the patience (which she has said she already does). If not, then we scale back on the romantic side, but we just remain friends and have fun. We will both find someone else some day, so life will go on. I will not let fear control me, so I really don't need a decision now.

 

I am reading a great book, too, that even the first chapter has helped me not worry so much. It is How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. It is an older book, but I love it so far and it is helping me put this and other things into perspective.

 

I hope all of you are doing well. I cannot tell you how much your kind words and support have helped me. Even though I have some days that are worse than others, I really feel stronger every day. I hope I can return that level of support to each of you.

 

Be Well!

 

Brand X