Fed up

[Silver]

How do you know when it's time to finally say that's it, enough is enough, time for me to go on and make my life? People say you will know inside, well I have a feeling inside me that I am fed up, I don't want this for the rest of my life, but I'm not sure how about to go ahead with it. We've been together 11 years, living together roughly 10, no kids.

 

After 11 years, how do you finally break free from a relationship? I feel tired, fed up, unloved, unappreciated, drained, and honestly starting to get somewhat depressed, inside. I don't think I ask for to much, I ask for a little help around the house, a little consideration would be nice too.

 

Last night I come home from the gym, I was pretty beat, after a tough day at work too. So I look to see what we can have for dinner.....he comes stands beside me and says are you going to make that for us? I say yes, but I want to jump into the shower quickly first though. I ask him if he can start cooking it while I'm in the shower and I will cook the rest and side dishes when I come out, he says no, you said you're going to make it, so you make it, I'm waiting for you to make it. So I say, come on, can't you just start it, he walks off and says I have a headache (he ALWAYS has a headache), BUT then he he hops onto the XBox and starts playing. A little upset I go have my shower and there he is still playing the damn game, nothing started on the stove. So I make the dinner. Afterwards, I get his lunch ready for the next day, and mine. Clean off the plates, and was hoping he would start the dishes - WRONG - he stands in the hallway watches a little TV then heads in the computer room. I ask him what he's doing, he says surfing for a bit, so I say oh thank you, you've been such a great help tonight, why not help with the dishes? He says you're welcome... so I'm doing the dishes he comes out a while later and watches TV while I'm cleaning up. I try to make a little noise so he would realise something was up, but no of course not, let's play stupid. I take the dog out for a bit, come back he's still on the TV. Well by now it's getting dark and late so I decide it's time for me to relax. I make myself a tea and go relax. Nothing much was said for the rest of the night, he didn't even say goodnight to me, kiss me, hug me..nothing before going to sleep.

 

I am tired of being his "maid" (cause that's what I sure feel like), I am tired of not doing anything and always staying in the house. I am tired of always having to ask him to do things when he can see clear as day that his socks need to be picked up, the chips from the table need to be moved before going to bed or the dog will try to get them, (just examples). He says he wouldn't buy me a ring or piece of jewelry because it's too expensive (what? after 11 years and all I do, I'm not worth it ), but he has no trouble spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on his computer in one shot. Tired of not starting our own family, tired of his excuses of why he doesn't want to be married. Tired of feeling unappreciated. The list goes on, but I think you get the idea.

 

I was close to leaving him last year over this, spoke with him about it, and he wanted me to stay. He actually helped out for quite a while (I admit he does the laundry most of the time, but does he think that's all he has to do?) To make a long story short, I don't know what to do anymore (or say).

 

Is it time to pack up and go? If so, how do you do this after 11 years? How do you say it? What do we do with all the stuff that we bought? I am scared, but I know I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

 

I just want to feel loved and appreciated, I don't think that's too much to ask, even after 11 years.

[TempSain]

I think alot of what your going through is part of being married.

People get use to each other and get bored or take the other person for granted.

I am sure my couples feel the same way as you have just described it.

There is always a giver and a taker in a relationship and you definitly sound like a giver.

 

Not sure what the solution will be for your situation but dont have kids.

That won't make it any better.

You will have to do all the caring for that child as well.

 

I know lots of people will recommend counselling but I personally don't belive in it.

 

Best of luck

[Scott S]

You didn't indicate whether you were actually married, but that sounds like little more than a technicality right now.

Now, to your original question.

 

You have reasonable expectations of a relationship that aren't being met, & you're growing increasingly dissatisfied. You feel exploited, unappreciated, & unloved. You're painfully aware of all that. Significant, substantial, & lasting improvement appears highly unlikely.

 

Of course, only you can decide when you've had enough, & no one can exploit you without your compliance. So your question is are you better off with him or without him?

 

As far as how to exit. You seem resigned that the relationship isn't worth trying to salvage, so there's little value in couples counseling, a trial separation, etc. So, basically, you tell him it's over. You explain why. That your expectations in the relationship have simply gone unmet for too long. You've had enough, & no longer wish to spend time & youth in an unsatisfying relationship.

 

Yours makes for a painful lesson, that relationships are multilateral. Everyone has to do their share.

 

Best wishes to you!

[fredrolin]

I know how you feel. I am in the same boat.

 

But I am a 40 year old man, married and we have an 8 year old daughter.

 

I don't leave because of my daughter and because I don't want to have to start over.

 

You didn't indicate your age, but if you want children you had better get this guy to grow up or you must move on.

 

It's tough, I fear it myself...that's why I suffer everyday also.

[moimeme]

Um. Making snarky remarks and 'sounds' to try to get your message across obviously won't work. People need to be as polite and kind with family as they are with strangers. I doubt that this was the first such interaction. Neither of you is interested in helping the other and neither of you talks about it.

 

Read <URL removed> Try their recommendations, because what you're doing will never work.

[Silver]

I have tried talking to him about this in the past, when I do he actually does give me a hand with things and pays more attention to me, then after a little while all that dwindles off and he's back to his usual self.

 

I suggested counselling in the past, but he said we don't have a problem, the problem lies within you. (meaning me) He says there is nothing wrong with him and it's all me.

 

Forgot to add he is in his mid 30's and I am late 20's. No we aren't married but common-law.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone, I do appreciate it.

[Leikela]

Silver, I don't know if you remember me or not, but I spoke with you extensively (mostly over PM) when you first joined back in February. You left out A LOT from this post about your boyfriend. I cannot believe you are still dealing with his s**t. From what I can remember, these are your major complaints about your boyfriend:

 

1-- Doesn't save any money and blows wads of cash on himself, leaving you to pay the bills.

2-- Doesn't help out around the house and only does laundry and you've stated that you feel like a maid.

3-- Even though he's overweight himself, he says he would leave you if you became overweight yourself. Regarding this issue, you have called him shallow.

4-- Only kisses you hello and goodbye and sometimes goodnight when you would like a lot more intimacy.

5-- When you talk to him about your problems, he gets a little better, but always reverts back to his normal self after awhile.

6-- Looks at porn and lies to you about it. It makes you feel unwanted and is hurting your self esteem.

7-- Doesn't brush his teeth very often and doesn't shower everyday. This turns you off and makes you not want to engage in sex with him.

8-- You've been together for 11 years and he hasn't shown any interest or motivation to buy you a ring or even mention wanting to marry you.

9-- In your heart you know he isn't the one but are still reluctant to leave.

10-- As a couple you never leave the house and go anywhere, and you would like to get out and do things.

11-- Your boyfriend is resistant to counseling and says that you are the one with the problems.

 

I think I've hit all the major points here. Do you see how many there are? And you're still with him? I think YOU need to go see a counselor on your own. Talk about why you stay in a relationship that you just keep giving and giving and get nothing in return. Talk about why you're enabling his lazyness by doing everything for him.

 

Happiness is not something that will just come to you. You have to make your own happiness. You haven't been happy for a long time and that's your own fault, not your boyfriend's. You're quite aware that he'll never change and he's shown that to you time and time again. It's time to make your own happiness and I think you know what that entails. Good luck.

[fredrolin]

silver, after reading Leikala post, it seems that you are basically living alone as it is.

 

How could moving out be any worse?

 

You are still young and your only reponsibility is to yourself.

 

----

 

I stay in my miserable relationship because we have a child. But even that reason is starting to wear thin.

 

We all only have one life...and being miserable isn't any way to live, especially when we have the power to change.

 

---

 

But are you really miserable or do you just want this guy to change his ways? If that's the case, my dear, let me give you some bad news; the only person you can change in the world is yourself.

[Scott S]

I suggested counselling in the past, but he said we don't have a problem, the problem lies within you. (meaning me) He says there is nothing wrong with him and it's all me.

 

Well, change starts from within. No one changes if they aren't motivated to do so.

 

 

I have tried talking to him about this in the past, when I do he actually does give me a hand with things and pays more attention to me, then after a little while all that dwindles off and he's back to his usual self.

 

Hmm. So you push him out of his "comfort zone" for a little while. He momentarily improves, then gets comfortable again.

 

As I said earlier, you'll have to decide whether the relationship is worth trying to save. If you decide that it is, perhaps more drastic measures (such as a trial separation) are in order.

 

If you decide that it isn't, then it's time to get out & get on with life. You're still plenty young enough to find a relationship that will be more satisfying.

 

Moimeme makes a very good point about clear communication, but I assume you didn't start out being sarcastic to him. Just grew that way?

[fredrolin]

I really just see this all as a case of a woman trying to get a man to conform to her mold.

 

So many women have an idea of what there "perfect man" is. They meet a man, date a man and after awhile try to change that man into her perfect man.

 

Guess what...it doesn't work that way.

 

The ONLY way 2 people can stand to live with each other is when each person accepts and learns to live with the faults of the other.

[Leikela]

Fredolin, how is she trying to mold him? Isn't it common courtesy to want to help your SO with household chores, maintain self hygiene, etc?? By no means is she asking too much by wanting to feel loved and appreciated. That isn't asking for a dream man. That's asking for what a relationship SHOULD be. It's her own doing for staying with him though. She's creating her own misery.

[fredrolin]

I do 75% of the chores around our house. I wish my wife and her lazy 23 year old son would help more but they don't. I have asked, I have complained....it doesn't work.

So I learned to live with it.

 

My wife in 325 pounds and doesn't like having sex because of her weight. I have changed to cooking healthy low fat meals, but she snacks on the outside. I have asked her to change, I have complained about lack of sex.....it didn't work.

So I learned to live with it.

[Scott S]

OK, Leikela's post hit while I was still writing mine. Didn't see it until just now.

 

So you're still with this yo-yo because...???

 

For Pete's sake, lose this clown & start enjoying life!!! While you still have a chance! You're not going to be 20-something forever, you know!

 

When I was in the army, one of the things we studied was the doctrines, strategies, & tactics of the Soviet Union & Warsaw Pact armies. One of their basic prinicples was "Always reinforce success. Never reinforce failure."

 

Seems to me you've been doing the latter long enough.

[Leikela]

Yeah, you learned to live with it and you are miserable. You just gave previous advice saying that you only live once and it should be a happy life. You shouldn't settle and learn to live with things because other people refuse to change. You just said this:

 

We all only have one life...and being miserable isn't any way to live, especially when we have the power to change.

 

Just because you stay doesn't mean Silver should. Take your own advice.

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by Leikela

 

 

 

Just because you stay doesn't mean Silver should. Take your own advice.

 

 

 

believe me, I'd love to.

 

But my situation is different.

 

1. We have an 8 year old daughter together.

 

2. I declared bankruptcy 4 years ago to clear debt before our marriage. So my wife owns the house, my truck, our 2 cars and has all the credit cards in her name. My wife also earns 65% of our income to my 35%.

 

If I file for divorce I will walk away with basically nothing.

 

If my wife files for divorce (and she has talked to a lawyer about this) she will have to help me get a place to live and most likely have to pay me alimony.

She figured it was easier and cheaper to keep me around.

 

So if I walk away from the marriage I will have no credit and be in some dumb apartment (if I can even rent one) broke and alone.

 

I am also almost 41. I'm no young kid anymore.

 

I would say my situation is VERY different.

[Leikela]

Yes, your situation is very different. It all breaks down to the same principle though-- happiness. You could start preparing for your future to leave and not resign yourself to a future of hell with your wife.

 

My ex boyfriend's cousin claimed bankruptsy and only 5 years later was able to buy a house. Start rebuilding your credit. Start off with a secure credit card that reports to the credit bureaus every month and then eventually upgrade to a credit card with a low credit limit.

 

Also, maybe you could talk to your wife and ask her if she'll help you to a point where you're independent enough and you can move out. She could help you by putting you on one of her credit cards. You don't have to neccesarily use the card but the credit bureaus will apply the activity (like timely monthly payments) on it to your credit report. That's a great way to start rebuilding your credit without having to go through a secure credit card.

 

If you are both miserable, I don't see why she wouldn't want to help you leave. There are many ways you could be improving your credit situation and your life in preparation for your future happiness.

[moonbeam]

My heart goes out to you. I can certainly see why you are fed up with this guy. To be brutal: Get out now!!

Thankfully you are still v young and have no kids.

 

Ask yourself:

 

1.) Is he the kind of father you would really, really like your future children to have? I didn't think so.

 

2.) Might there be som nasty little voice of insecurity inside you telling you that you somehow "deserve" this relationship? That nasty voice is very, very wrong.

[on the edge]

i'm new here and have been lurking around for the last couple of days, but when i read your post silver, i thought you had just wrote about my life. the only difference is that i have a 14 y/o daughter from a previous marriage (ended due to ex's drug/alcohol abuse). it's been a long difficult 10 yrs where i feel that i have beaten my head against the wall trying to make this a happy family. suggested counseling, going to church with us, talking till i was blue in the face only to be told that things will "work out" and to give it time. i'm so tired now and feel that i have lost myself somewhere along the way. i feel so much guilt because i care about him but i don't love him. last year was the hardest...last fall he was working out of town and i found out through "sources" that there was some questionable activity going on. he had an excuse for it all..the new clothes, hotel receipts, phone numbers on cell bills, etc. he says there was no affair and still says that today. he says he got hooked on gambling-which i found receipts for winnings (he says he lost all the winnings gambling again). then i found out that he had pawned things behind my back and was not honset about other things... i could go on forever.... i'm so tired of the lies, negative outlook, etc. we tried to work things out again, to forgive and forget and it lasted about 2 weeks, then it went back to the "usual". nowww he wants to go to counseling. he says he can't believe that i want to throw almost 11 yrs away and that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me! i told him last time that i would not go through all this again. i don't want my daughter to have to go through it again either. on top of all this we have had to file bankruptcy!!

 

so here i am at 41 y/o ready to divorce again-feeling guilty because of religious reasons and feeling like a failure. it's bad enough getting divorced once but twice!!

i just want my life back and be the "old" me again. i'm ready to get off this ride. it's hard trying to work through the guilt and feeling like i'm going crazy, but i'm gathering every ounce of strength and courage to get through this because if i don't i will lose myself for good.

 

i truly hope you find your way and find the happiness you deserve. good luck!