NC worked, no feelings left, but will MM stay away?

[Elfie]

My last post here indicated I wasn't in a place to leave, but since then I've given in again when he asked to meet up. He knew I had a problem with my car, and said he'd fix it, so I let him look, (saving me £80+) he asked to meet on his day off, picked me up, took me to the store to get the parts, he paid for them £20 and we went for a coffee (I paid).

 

He told me he was happy to be friends, to meet for coffee, which he's said over and over again, but then would find a way to kiss/grab/touch and hug me when we were in his van or walking to the coffee shop - usually a fast food joint as it was cheapest or the DIY shop. I was starting to realise how low I'd let myself become thinking how I accepted being with him in his van, in laybys and car parks. Being indoors in a coffee shop was as good as it got - except through the summer when I had to sit outside pubs, but always out of the way and always being pawed at. If i made conversation he would kiss me so I'd shut up - like why did I think he would be interested in my life?!

 

So the day he bought my car parts, he said friends was fine, he'd call me later. He got home and 10 minutes before W is die home (when it's dark) he calls me and says he has something for me and can I unlock my door. I do (like a ffol, but I want to believe him still at this stage) and he has a bunch of roses. I wondered why he didn't leave them on the ddorstep liek he did the last ones (when W was home) or just give them to me at the door and then leave (if he genuinly only wanted me to have them, that would have been the genuine thing to do, but I guess he had an agenda) Then he kissses and I feel I owe him and the obvious happens, I believe he wants me and loves me and his W doesn't as that is what he makes me believe, but he leaves within 5 minutes and actually says he has to go whilst still on top of me. I try to be OK all evening and I ring him in the morning and act cool and OK.

 

Through the day I try to keep busy and think I can handle this, but it's not possible. I ring him at the end of the day as we always do, and I'm still OK on the outside to him. He's due to see his estranged son over the weekend (son from the 1st marraige which ended in MM having his first affair) I find this really hard - he gets to live his entire life like Mr Great, husband, father, step dad, uncle, brother, son and I'm acting like a whore, grateful for every crumb he throws me - and then I see him return home same time as his W, like a regular couple and that was it - my light bulb moment. I can't do this anymore, I hate him and I hate myself more. Now I see that all the times he wanted me to drive out to some quiet layby "just to see me" for a few minutes, were just ways to try and get sex (though he called it making love) and I remeber him being so forceful he actually pulled my underwear down once in a layby in daylight as a car passed - it took several screams of no and stop to get him to stop and he laughed when I started crying. He said it was passion.

 

I think he may be a sociapath.

 

That night I texted him to say I was sick of it, I knew exactly what he was up to with more roses, that he just wanted a door pass and I stupidly fell for it, and he made me feel as worthless as I could feel when he left - he always leaves a few mnutes after sex but I was so thick I just thought that's all I should expect. I told him he needs to get the car parts off me, or fix the car and I'll keep quiet. All that day I stayed home trying to keep busy and he was (living opposite) outside all day working next to his van and thankfully this time he didn't call (I have tried every few days for the last few months to break it off and he talks me round or I fall back (and he has a seperate mobile he got when he went away with his W, Iguess he knew to get a totally sepperate one!)

 

It is the first time I threatened to talk - I don't know if I would tell anyone, but I feel so numb I know I need something different this time to keep him away. I told him to call me Tuesday to sort out the car part - I wish I had the guts to leave them on his doorstop, but honest to goodness I just want this man out my life.

 

Today, Sunday, I still don't feel anything, not hurt, upset, angry, nothing, and I'm trying to feel like me again, but I don't, I don't know if I'll ever be "me" again.

 

Sorry a long post, I just needed to get it all down so that I can get across everything.

[Eggplant]

Oh, no, this sounds terrifying. It's an addiction. Can you move away? Can you block him? You need to let somebody you trust know about this and help you keep yourself accountable so that you don't fall further into the pit. Assume that you have 2 brains, split personalities. Don't trust the one that wants to be with him.

[spice4life]

Oh sweetie, your feelings jump right through your posts. (((Hugs)))

 

You are doing great with NC so stay STRONG. Are you in a position to move? It must be torture living right across the street! I think moving, no matter how hard it is, is the best thing. Money can be recovered if that's what you're worried about. If it is not possible, just stay as busy as you can and go out as often as you can. There is a great website called meetup.com and they have a ton of social groups you can join to keep yourself busy. It goes by area. Plus you will meet new people as well! Maybe even a new single guy.

 

Take care of yourself and big (((Hugs))).

[LadyGrey]

OMG........that is one of the worst things I've read on here.

 

Please, please don't let this man anywhere near you again. He sounds dangerous and yes a sociopath.

 

Do not talk to him, don't answer his calls, don't answer the door. Cut off any avenues he has to contact you. Get busy with things you enjoy, family, friends, volunteer,just get busy. Please attend therapy so you can start getting a handle on your own self worth, so you won't be prey to sicko's like this man.

[stevie_23]

You WILL be you again. You will be you when you are fully away from this person with whom you were in a position of vulnerability and trust and who abused that trust, disrespected you and treated you as someone under HIS control, only there for HIS purpose. A puppet. Worthless apart from what HE wanted you for when you should have felt cherished, appreciated, respected and loved.

 

Please be careful.

[Elfie]

Thank you for your replies. I'm not able to move for a number of reasons, but there's hope I may be able to in time, though he did jokingly say once "If you move I'll find ya" but I do intend to keep busy.

 

What makes it worse is I work from home, and he works 2 or 3 days a week for a luxury car firm (as a go-fer, just drives the cars to their new owners) and the other 3 or 4 days a week he is back and forth to home with his own business, collecting scrap, so a move is going to have to be something I may have no choice in.

 

I intend to stay strong and this forum is helping, it's a place to get help and validate my fears - mainly that he'll find a way to get back in, but I have no affection for him at all.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply *** Hugs***

[Lillyfree]

elfie... why don't you take charge of the situation - it might take mustering up all your strength but i am sure you can do it.

 

you have something over him - you know where his wife lives. tell him to leave you alone or you will march across the road and tell her everything.

 

what about getting a restraining order? that way you can call the police should he come near your house or you.

 

some of the stuff he does and says is disturbing... cut him out of your life! and why should *you* move?

 

look after yourself.

[Coward]

Time to move.

[georgia girl]

You broke my heart. Whatever you need to do, please get a safe distance from this man - both physically and emotionally. Hear me: he is not a good man in any way, shape or form.

 

Can you find a counselor? If you can't afford one, there are many places that offer free counseling. You could even reach out to a place that offers domestic violence assistance.

 

Could you stay with a friend? A family member? Anyone?

 

Stay strong and stay away from him. His brand of affection is in no way love. Some day soon you will find the wonder of real love and it will amaze you, but anyone who ever hurts you does not love you and is not worthy of you.

 

Please, please stay safe.

[Elfie]

Thank you

 

Since this post I have managed to pull away and posted the news that I have seen a doctor and put my name forward for therapy. It's CBT that I'm apparently having - I have no experience of that, despite seeing 11 counsellors throughout my adulthood.

 

He last tried to make contact in person on Sunday just gone, so now I have to keep my phone off (if he rings I won't be tempted to feel guilty and answer it, and it gives him a clear message I'm not interested). I know over and over he pulled me back in with words and kisses and I fell over and over.

 

Living opposite him isn't easy but now I've made th ebreak emotionally I laready feel stronger - he's off tomorrow and I work from home, so for a while I'll just have to plan to do things outside the home when he's at his main job and away or when his W is at home.

 

I think the violent episodes he told me in his past are jsut the tip of the truth - I once noticed one of his knuckles looked out of alignment and he told me he was bullied at school and broke his hand smacking the guy - "but he never bothered me again" he said.