9Lives Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 I am not speaking about mm who are running from women to women. I am taliking about those mm who are giving alot of attention to their ow then all of a sudden can just not talk to us for days and days. How do they do that while we just die on the inside waiting to hear from them. He me understand what is going on here. How can a man just move on when he really cares for another woman. Where does he get the strength? How does he do it? Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Why -- the same way he was able to shut off his awareness of how an affair would destroy his wife / the mother of his children / the woman he promised himself to for life. A man doesn't have an intense or longterm affair without this capacity. Not all men could compartmentalize so selfishly or so well. When you are with a man who is managing a successful romantic affair while married, you have a built-in expert at this sort of emotional coldness / delusional separation / situational affect. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Breathe Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 My guess is that the want the OW when things are not so good at home with his wife. Or really, these men don't know what they want, they just act on what makes them feel good at a certain time. These "cheaters" are selfish and only think of themselves. They want to appear they care or love the OW, maybe some actually do, but the most are just saying what they think the other wants or needs to hear. They don't want to intentionally hurt you, but they are out for one person, himself. I can say this is the same for female cheaters as the men cheaters. I wouldn't tie yourself down to this man as he can't tie himself down to you until a divorce is finalized. Your hurting, and he's the cause of this. What do you want and need? Is he the only one you feel can give this to you? I suggest keep all your options open.... Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 He may care about you but he is not in love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted September 2, 2004 Author Share Posted September 2, 2004 Why did you say he is not inlove with me? I knew that already but I am curious to know why you say that. Secondly Uriel....That was amazing what you said. I believe it wholeheartedly. You can't just naturally be that cold I dont think? Or can you. Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Yes, some people can. They are self-centered, if not narcissistic (and some are that as well). Because their desire is so strong, and they have so little natural or developed empathy, they are able to rationalize their selfish actions. They tell themselves things like... [color=blue]I'm a man. If my wife won't put out x times a week, I've got to get my needs taken care of somehow. or It won't hurt my wife if she doesn't know. It won't hurt the OW if I tell her up front it's nothing serious or longterm or anything but love (no promises because I'm married). or I can't help myself. My feelings have control over me. Regardless of who it hurts, I just can't deny what I'm feeling. or The OW knew the score when we got together. The wife and family come first. or The OW knew I was cheating with her to begin with. What does she expect -- that I'm going to be faithful to her when I wasn't to my wife? or I'm not married to the OW. I only owe loyalty to my wife (and she gets it in the form of a paycheck and my name).[/color] Well -- you pick. These little scalpels of rationalization are how the operation to remove a beating heart gets done. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
brandx Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Wait a second. Maybe we are referring to the wrong head here. Sorry. Couldn't resist. I totally agree with Uriel. I think those are the types of people that would scare me the most bye the way when it comes to a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 Why would i say that? Because it's true. When you're not in love, you can be 'strong'. When you ARE in love, you lose control. Being in love is the most out-of-control feeling in the world. So, if you don't fall in love, you can be 'strong' That's how your man stays so strong. That's how he can go days without calling. That's how he can stay married to someone else. He's not in love with you. He likes you perhaps. He may like you an awful lot. But he hasn't lost his head over you. No, you are tucked away in a corner of his life and you're a nice place to visit but live there? No. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted September 5, 2004 Author Share Posted September 5, 2004 That was painful but good. It explains the situation very well. I understand now. Thanks. Made sense. That explains why I have not lost my mind too I guess. I mean I am definately bruised but not broken. Thank God I am not inlove either. I would have died!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 I think also why it is easy to do this to the OW is because they are not the ones who are without a partner. They are not lonely. He's either with the wife or OW. Selfish horrible pigs and poor excuses for men. Boo to them!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted September 5, 2004 Author Share Posted September 5, 2004 yeah, I agree. I guess that makes them happy because my mm told me flat out that with me in his life he was complete. He had everything. His w makes good money but i dont think they get along that well. He liked me becuase we had great conversation and the sex was amazing. Sex at home was terrible. So now that we have broken up because he watched "passion of the christ" he is incomplete I guess. He said it will never be the way he wants it at the house. They do alot of things together as a couple. They have been marriaged for 11 yrs going on 12. he says he didnt love her when he married her but i am sure he does now. If he ever leaves I dont want to been apart of it in no shape, form, or fashion. All I wanted was a boyfriend. I know, it may be stupid to want a mm to be your boyfriend. But that is what I wanted from him anyway. We were suppose to be having just sex and I was happy with that but he called me all the time to the point where we became close. He is a mess. He dont know what he wants. I know I am going to hear from him again. I know what the right thing to do is. I just hope I am strong enough. I want some you know what right now so I know he is dying. We have an addiction. That is why I am going to stay in the gym and keep my body tight. When he sees me I want his .... to explode!!! I need help. Dont trip, yall know men are visual and they always want what they can't have. Men are nuts. Making us nuts!!! Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 jvjrose -- You know, the saddest part of your story is I bet his wife thinks he loves her. When you get his point of view, you're only getting a very selfish side of the story. Think about how coldly, how awfully he talks about this woman he MARRIED. She's in his home, in his bed, loving him and thinking that's returned. Meanwhile he talks about her like some cash cow who can't get him off. I'm sorry for her -- and sorry for you for not caring more about her. Why don't you? -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted September 5, 2004 Author Share Posted September 5, 2004 I dont think she is a cash cow to him. He has told me some very nice things about her as well. I just told you what he said initally the marriage was about. There is a part in there that i said I think he loves but they have a hard time getting along. He loves her. I know he does. But he has a hard time for some reason being happy and satisfied with just her. He has cheated her several times before. It is something missing there other than sex. I am not blaming her. I am just giving you the information. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 He has cheated her several times before. Girlfriend, RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG I HOPE you are using protection with him. Not only are you sleeping with him, but his wife, and any other women he sleeps with. He is a loser and not worth this heartache. Move on for your sake. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted September 5, 2004 Author Share Posted September 5, 2004 yep, you r right. but i figured this out as the relationship evolved. It was not a in your face type of deal. Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 Still leaves my question unanswered: Why don't YOU care about her? -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted September 5, 2004 Author Share Posted September 5, 2004 I just dont. It is that simple. I could care less about her honestly. That is for him to do. I care about his kids and I know they need him so I dont want him to leave because of them for sure. But i dont care about her. I hope you can handle my honesty. This is not something everyone can deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 jvrose - Does MM have children? How many and how old are they? I think you should really think about the effect your affair will have on them if they ever find out. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 Originally posted by jvjrose I dont think she is a cash cow to him. He has told me some very nice things about her as well. I just told you what he said initally the marriage was about. There is a part in there that i said I think he loves but they have a hard time getting along. He loves her. I know he does. But he has a hard time for some reason being happy and satisfied with just her. He has cheated her several times before. It is something missing there other than sex. I am not blaming her. I am just giving you the information. what's missing is within himself. he needs to fix himself and affairs are only bandaids. Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 Oh, I can handle your honest.y My question was mainly rhetorical. I know you don't care about her. My point is that you SHOULD. You should care about all other human beings. This quality is called empathy. It's something you've got in short supply. I don't know why you haven't developed a good degree of empathy. You were likely raised by someone close who didn't have much for you. But, if you want to be a content and well loved person someday, then you'll need to work on it. You and this man are very much alike in this respect. Until you change, you'll attract more people like him into your life. And, I'm genuinely sorry for that. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted September 5, 2004 Author Share Posted September 5, 2004 I am speechless. I dont know what to say other than I got your messages Link to post Share on other sites
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