Dating a 35 year old virgin

[jackson78]

I'm 35 and I met a 35 year old woman on a dating site. We've gone on 4 dates and I found a few 'red flags' about her:

 

• she is a virgin (not religous at all)
  
• she hasn't done anything past kissing, not even sexual touching
  
• she hasn't had a relationship last more than a year and a half
  
• she hasn't been in a relationship in 15 years...
  
• she has only had 2 relationships
  
• she has only kissed those 2 people
  
• we've gone on 4 dates and she still hasn't let me kiss her, but has reassured me that she's into me
  

 

She is very attractive, successful, educated, great personality. And it's odd that she is (almost) 35 years old and has yet to see a penis in real life or have someone touch her breasts. I keep thinking, how could she not have had relationships for the last 15 years? She said "I dated quite a bit, but no one wanted to be in a relationship with me. Now men are freaked out by a virgin who hasn't had a relationship is a decade and a half".

 

I've been married, have 3 young teenagers (she still wants to have kids), have had plenty of relationships and sexual partners. The last time I was with a virgin was 20 years ago. I want a grown up relationship, not to feel like I'm a teenager again. At this point in my life I expected to find someone who was already romantically and sexually experienced and who knew what they liked in the bedroom. But as a person she is great and extremely attractive, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to waste my time teaching her what she should have learned years ago.

 

Is this odd or am I reading too far into it? I feel like I'm missing something. Should I just let this one pass?

[Anela]

How is she supposed to gain any further relationship experience, if men keep rejecting her due to her lack of experience?

[ja123]

I'd feel weird with it, too.

 

She says she wanys kids, do you want more? If not, then you already have your answer. You can't be in a relationship with her.

 

If she really wants some experience though, you could always offer to help her out. But, if you both decide on that, then have your exits routes mutually planned in advance, e.g. O.K. we'll sleep together a few times and end the "relationship" within the month, so as feelings don't develop."

[jackson78]

I'd feel weird with it, too.

 

She says she wanys kids, do you want more? If not, then you already have your answer. You can't be in a relationship with her.

 

If she really wants some experience though, you could always offer to help her out. But, if you both decide on that, then have your exits routes mutually planned in advance, e.g. O.K. we'll sleep together a few times and end the "relationship" within the month, so as feelings don't develop."

 

I would be okay with having more.

 

She hasn't even let me kiss her yet, she wouldn't want to have sex. She has said that she wants to have sex, but wants it to be "meaningful and special". She doesn't just want experience, she wants an actual relationship.

[DarlinBelle]

For her sake please "let this one pass."

You claim she has told you that she's "dated quite a bit, but no one wanted to be in a relationship with me. Now men are freaked out by a virgin who hasn't had a relationship is a decade and a half." You seem freaked out especially when you describe the prospect of a relationship between 2 35 year olds as feeling like "a teenager again." This woman chose to be celibate, perhaps she was not open doing any thing for any number of reasons: religious, self esteem, health, lack of an appropriate partner and then finally being a virgin at her age. Now you say she may be open to a sexual relationship or rather you say that that's what your looking for which is fine just be sure to let her know you are not going to be waiting around too long for that to happen, then you won't have to "waste" your "time teaching her" what you think "she should have learned years ago."

[ja123]

She has said that she wants to have sex, but wants it to be "meaningful and special". She doesn't just want experience, she wants an actual relationship.

 

 

Honestly, I'd be totally freaked out. I'd be terrified about if it didn't work out and I had to bail that she'd be so devastated that she wouldn't be able to stand on her own two feet. I wouldn't want that kind of responsibility - yeah, in short for a relationship I'd want it to be between two adults.

 

Special and meaningful sex is great. Yes. But sex is sex, too, at the end of the day. This lady needs to chill. I think she's putting sex on too much of a pedastal which means she probably idealizes relationships. I'd prefer someone who has some life experience and is realistic.

[Yamaha]

Should I just let this one pass?

 

Yes. She deserves someone who doesn't see her baggage as a red flag.

[jma500]

I would be okay with having more.

 

She hasn't even let me kiss her yet, she wouldn't want to have sex. She has said that she wants to have sex, but wants it to be "meaningful and special". She doesn't just want experience, she wants an actual relationship.

 

So it's a bad thing now to want an actual relationship? Maybe the reason she is still a virgin is because the guys she was with before only wanted sex and not the real connection she desires. sounds to me like a wise woman who refuses to give in when her needs are not being met as well.

[CptObvious]

I can only see one solution.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OP, let me hit that first. Win win.

[SJC2008]

Ahh the times we live in... When the red flag is a 35 year old virgin and not the 35 year old man who's divorced with 3 kids and has had "plenty" relationships and sex partners.

[crude]

Just give her a pass. Maybe on her death bed she can still be a virgin. I wonder if she'd regret it then.

[rn0408]

I'm 35 and I met a 35 year old woman on a dating site. We've gone on 4 dates and I found a few 'red flags' about her:

 

• she is a virgin (not religous at all)
  
• she hasn't done anything past kissing, not even sexual touching
  
• she hasn't had a relationship last more than a year and a half
  
• she hasn't been in a relationship in 15 years...
  
• she has only had 2 relationships
  
• she has only kissed those 2 people
  
• we've gone on 4 dates and she still hasn't let me kiss her, but has reassured me that she's into me
  

She is very attractive, successful, educated, great personality. And it's odd that she is (almost) 35 years old and has yet to see a penis in real life or have someone touch her breasts. I keep thinking, how could she not have had relationships for the last 15 years? She said "I dated quite a bit, but no one wanted to be in a relationship with me. Now men are freaked out by a virgin who hasn't had a relationship is a decade and a half".

 

I've been married, have 3 young teenagers (she still wants to have kids), have had plenty of relationships and sexual partners. The last time I was with a virgin was 20 years ago. I want a grown up relationship, not to feel like I'm a teenager again. At this point in my life I expected to find someone who was already romantically and sexually experienced and who knew what they liked in the bedroom. But as a person she is great and extremely attractive, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to waste my time teaching her what she should have learned years ago.

 

Is this odd or am I reading too far into it? I feel like I'm missing something. Should I just let this one pass?

 

-So what? What's wrong with her being a virgin? I dated girls that were virgin's and I'm 27. We were both around 22 and I respected her and her viewpoints. We are still great friends to this day after we decided to be friends.

 

-My longest relationship was 7 months..If I'm not feeling it, I get out! No reason to wait it out...that's why the divorce rate is so high.

 

-I take things real slow myself..I don't kiss until the 3rd or 4th date.

 

-Having a kid is a major red flag to me..I'd run for the hills.

[rn0408]

Ahh the times we live in... When the red flag is a 35 year old virgin and not the 35 year old man who's divorced with 3 kids and has had "plenty" relationships and sex partners.

 

Ha ha I know...I call it #owned

[Bito]

Depends on how much sex means to you. If you are a very sexual person you should move on. Odds are that sex will not be a regular occurence.

[SmileFace]

-So what? What's wrong with her being a virgin? I dated girls that were virgin's and I'm 27. We were both around 22 and I respected her and her viewpoints. We are still great friends to this day after we decided to be friends.

 

-My longest relationship was 7 months..If I'm not feeling it, I get out! No reason to wait it out...that's why the divorce rate is so high.

 

-I take things real slow myself..I don't kiss until the 3rd or 4th date.

 

-Having a kid is a major red flag to me..I'd run for the hills.

Are missing the difference between 22 and 35?

[ChessPieceFace]

35, female, a virgin and still wants to have kids. Math doesn't work very well on that one. When do the eggs run out?

 

Do you know if she masturbates? Has a vibrator? 35yo female virgin I would expect there to be a religious component but you say there isn't one. And you say men didn't want to be in a relationship with her. I'm wondering what's going on there. Maybe the men saw something you aren't seeing yet (frigid perhaps?) How can people have a year and a half relationship and not touch each other? That's the biggest "WTF?!?!" to me, not the virgin part in and of itself. I'm thinking frigid and/or asexual.

[ascendotum]

Depends on how much sex means to you. If you are a very sexual person you should move on. Odds are that sex will not be a regular occurence.

 

Hard to say if this would be the case not having heard many field reports back from guys I know getting with 35yr old virgins. I suspect though that she could easily have a lower libido or level of affection. It is a very weird for any women that's not obviously unattractive to go without for so long or her first bf not getting it on. You would be wondering WTH. Still women judge the equivalent male harshly so they can't knock a guy for doing the same.

 

If the woman ticked most of his gf requirements otherwise, then its definitely worth pushing on and actually finding out. For me I would be upfront about this with the woman, so when you do have sex with her (more than just the once to give her a decent shot) and she is really tepid & sqweemish with sex then it would not look strictly like a pump & dump. If the guy is getting the talk to the hand treatment on date 4 for a kiss, I would not be getting too excited.

 

I would have though lots of people still don't mind feeling like a teenager when they are older. As for teaching some newbie how to do sex the way you like, I don't think that's a particularly great burden, if they are eager student.

Edited February 25, 2013 by ascendotum

[Cutiepie1976]

...

 

I've been married, have 3 young teenagers (she still wants to have kids), have had plenty of relationships and sexual partners. The last time I was with a virgin was 20 years ago. I want a grown up relationship, not to feel like I'm a teenager again. At this point in my life I expected to find someone who was already romantically and sexually experienced and who knew what they liked in the bedroom. But as a person she is great and extremely attractive, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to waste my time teaching her what she should have learned years ago.

 

Is this odd or am I reading too far into it? I feel like I'm missing something. Should I just let this one pass?

 

Given your stated concerns and the type of woman you say you want, she is seems a poor match for you. She has neither the requisite army of past bad lovers and failed relationships to bemoan nor is she well-versed in the finer points of swinging from the chandeliers once all the children are finally ensconced in their beds.

 

Find someone who matches the criteria you prefer instead. She in turn, should be allowed to find someone who appreciates her approach to dating and relationships.

[silvermercy]

Actually there are many older virgins if you look around on the web. They just don't advertise it to the world you know! And can you blame them in this society?

For her sake, I beg of you to let her go. There are many men who ARE DYING to teach her and won't feel like... "teenagers" by doing so.

 

(For me a red flag would be a young divorced man with children.)

Edited February 25, 2013 by silvermercy

[MatchMeHappy]

It does sound a little odd to me too but give it a bit of time, go on a few more dates, get to know her more and find out what sort of a person she might be.

 

It is not susan boyle, is it?!

[Emilia]

At this point in my life I expected to find someone who was already romantically and sexually experienced and who knew what they liked in the bedroom. But as a person she is great and extremely attractive, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to waste my time teaching her what she should have learned years ago.

 

Is this odd or am I reading too far into it? I feel like I'm missing something. Should I just let this one pass?

 

Completely with you OP. The last guy I dated was very inexperienced sexually and relationship-wise and it was a disaster. It was cultural on his part, he only ever had 1 girlfriend for 2 years and limited sexual experience, we were friends first which was good but as soon as we moved to dating his inexperience showed. He had no idea what he could compromise on or what he should pass, etc. No idea how relationships worked.

 

It's one thing to be clueless at 21 and completely something else in your 30s. It means she was never bothered enough by the lack of love and intimacy in her life to 'fix' whatever it was that was stopping her from experiencing relationships.

 

Have a couple of dates with her by all means but I suspect you will find out the reason why she hasn't progressed beyond a certain stage. The 'virgin' stigma is BS, there are lots of guys who don't care.

[Emilia]

For her sake, I beg of you to let her go. There are many men who ARE DYING to teach her and won't feel like... "teenagers" by doing so.

 

(For me a red flag would be a young divorced man with children.)

 

Teach her? What are we, kids in kindergarden rather than adults taking responsibility for our lives?

 

Anyone who sees divorce as a redflag isn't very enlightened I have to say. 50% of people are divorced in the West.

[Emilia]

Still a very red flag... people who takes marriage as a game are more likely to take commitment as a game too...

 

Really? So what if that person's spouse has run off with someone else - which is what happened to my former sister-in-law? Her husband dumped her with the kids for another woman. You think the fact that she is going through divorce now is because she treated marriage like a game?

 

There are lots of reasons why people divorce today and a lot of the time it's not their fault. I'm sorry but you have to get with the program. If you think that's a red flag you are way behind the ways of modern society.

[its a lifestyle]

How is she supposed to gain any further relationship experience, if men keep rejecting her due to her lack of experience?

 

It's not due to lack of experience... it sound like she's Asexual and only dating for the sake of... dating?

 

Come on, 35 years old, had boyfriends, still a virgin? Personally I don't believe it, I'm calling this women has been thrown around the bedroom left, right and center...

 

But IF it is true, then... wtf?

[ChessPieceFace]

There are lots of reasons why people divorce today and a lot of the time it's not their fault. I'm sorry but you have to get with the program. If you think that's a red flag you are way behind the ways of modern society.

 

You mean our modern Divorce Society? What a noble society we are. Self above all, even our kids.

 

Sometimes divorce is justified. But a lot of the time it's justifiably a red flag. My sister is divorced and I can honestly say both her and her ex have SERIOUS relationship problems. Anyone trying to date either of them that would say "hmm they're divorced, I wonder if that is a red flag" - IT IS. The person would be wise to seriously analyze the behavioral, emotional and other problems they have that caused their divorce, and decide if those problems would wreck the new relationship, or if they are something they could live with.