Am I a narcissist?

[Decorative]

I don't think you are NPD.

 

But there appears to be a broken connection between acknowledging a situation where you should have empathy, and acting in a way that demonstrates it is genuine.

 

To me- you seem to recognize situations where you ought to be empathetic, intellectually, but you cannot act in a way that demonstrates it.

 

And- if I can be blunt- your online relationship, the chaos it created, and the whe mess of it- it is completely bizarre to me. I don't understand the draw, the reality, or any of it. It is just so strange.

[jwi71]

I think I’m a narcissist

 

Hmm. This could be a problem. Is there any hope for narcissists or am I doomed to be an ass-hat forever more?

 

This was posted in a thread about narcissists and affairs in the Infidelity section of LS…the bolded parts are the parts I identify with…

 

Narcissists are self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming. They have a constant need for admiration. They view all events in terms of how the events impact them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an "emotional high" with each new conquest. Their behavior is often impulsive which can appear exciting. These individuals lack compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider anything from another person's viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target until the relationship becomes too burdensome. They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity from the opposite sex; frequently offering marriage, promises, baptism, children, etc. Literally - whatever the target "needs to hear" in order to close the deal is what the narcissist will say and do. Their targets are usually married which heightens the feeling of conquest. They frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard to the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of self-gratification. Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, "elegantly" deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.

I don’t feel like I’m some kind of sociopath and I don’t feel my tendencies are malicious in intent, and I DO try to compromise and consider others in my actions, but my natural tendency is NOT to want to bother doing this.

 

Some examples, big or small…

 

• My partner always does all the cooking at home, since I don’t and can’t cook and don’t want to learn or bother doing it. She is a good cook. She doesn’t mind (sometimes) doing the cooking, but she also used to do all the washing up / dishes afterwards too and most of the housework in general because I didn’t want to do it. She never said anything to me about it, but it was obvious it wasn’t FAIR for me not to really ever do any chores. Especially as I only worked 5 hours a day and she worked 9. I had never had to do anything around the house when I lived with my parents, and I moved from that house to living with my partner when I was 24, so…I KNEW what was right, but I didn’t want to actually DO it so I just let her do it. I fooled myself into thinking she didn’t really mind or she’d have said something.
  

• When my partner moved to the same state as me, back in 2002, after meeting online in 2001 and being long distance for a while, I could have been more supportive. I forgot that she was moving to an unfamiliar place where she knew absolutely NOBODY except me. She spent Christmas alone that year because my parents didn’t know about her yet (I was worried about the 16 year age gap and how they’d perceive it, and the whole gay relationship thing too). I feel absolutely horrible about this now but at the time, I was too concerned with my own things. I wasn’t as supportive of her as I should have been. She packed up her whole life to move to be closer to me.
  

• A few times my ex-girlfriend (and best friend), after being so good as to drive me home after a day out together, would need to go to the bathroom and would ask if she could come into my parents’ house to go, but I said no because I didn’t want her to accidentally blab anything about our relationship. So she had to then drive all the way home needing to pee.
  

• My ex-MM used to say I only thought about myself sometimes. When I’d get angry at his restrictions and if he had to work or if he had to go away with his wife and her kids which he didn’t want to do in the first place, and I’d blab on about how it’d affect me and not consider how he felt. In particular, one example is his wife’s ex-husband’s mother died, and the 3 kids were upset (their grandma). He sent me a text about it and instead of saying I was sorry and I hoped they were ok, I said “Oh, so I guess that means no chat later, eh?” SUCH A NICE PERSON I AM! (I DID send the nicer supportive text after it though, once he assured me there WOULD be a chat for us later. But if he had said there would be NO chat and he was sorry but he couldn’t help it, I know I wouldn’t have been nice)
  

• I was looking back a couple of months ago on some old texts I sent to him, and so many times I would be verging on anger about whether he could chat / talk to me or not. I couldn’t remember the exact circumstances of each text, but just reading them now, a year later even, I could feel the tension rising in me at the time I wrote it, and I’d be waiting to hear his response. If he was sick and he couldn’t chat? I’d be angry. If he was sick and COULD chat, I’d be incredibly supportive and want nothing more than to make him feel better. If he had to work and he couldn’t chat? I’d be angry and accuse him of not loving me. Stuff like that.
  

• Several years ago, my partner’s step father had a stroke (they weren’t close, but it was still a shock) and then later that same week, her cat died (it was her cat, but he had lived with her mother for many years). I was there for her as best I could be, but I was also thinking that I really didn’t want her to be sad and in tears for too long because I wanted to do my normal things, watch TV, go out, etc. I didn’t want this to be a burden on me and my happiness.
  

• Also with my partner, obviously I was in an affair for almost 2 years, and would still be in it if he hadn’t ended it. I of course don’t want to hurt my partner, but I did want to be with my ex-MM as well. So I…did.
  

AM I a narcissist? I AM fairly self absorbed and very focused on my own self. I kind of feel like I can be very supportive and sympathetic and empathetic IF whatever’s happening to someone else doesn’t negatively affect me. If it DOES negatively affect me, I just get angry and unhappy and SOO incredibly selfish. What does this mean for me and my ability to be happy?

 

If this is a concern for you begin IC with a trained, educated and experienced IC to help determine if you are in fact a narcissist. I do believe in this journey you will learn and grow - becoming, in time, healthier and happier.

 

I do believe it is highly unlikely you suffer from NPD.

 

To be honest, you simply strike me as entitled and selfish.

[whichwayisup]

Does everyone around here think I’m mentally ill? I have wondered this before.

 

Nobody on here can make that assessment, especially online and only knowing you through words and what you share on here. If you think you have some form of mental illness, do seek counseling to get assessed and find out what is going on.

[stevie_23]

Athiest, hmm, histrionic disorder. I’ll have a read up about it. I always thought histrionic meant like, hysterical or something.

 

TheOW, yes, I am an attention seeker. I came to realise that a few years ago. When I first joined the songwriting forum I met my ex-MM on, back in 2008, I posted my songs and cover versions all over it. Everyday I’d do a new song and live off the feedback people would post. That’s just one example.

 

FrozenSprouts, yeah there is a disconnect between my mental empathy and my emotional / behavioural empathy, for some reason. It’s almost like I’m 2 different people. When I don’t need anything from someone, I can be the greatest and most supportive friend / partner on the planet. But when I DO need something from someone, I am selfish and although I do still understand how they feel, I can’t let it matter because I need whatever it is for myself.

 

BetrayedH, you know why I didn’t have much concern (besides concern for myself, of course) about each D-day my ex-MM experienced? Because as long as HE was wanting to continue our affair, I was happy enough. The first 2 D-days, he was planning the whole time to leave his wife (they weren’t married yet, but obviously still in a 3 year relationship at that point) and those D-days were relatively small. The third one, I think he strongly considered leaving me, maybe tried to, but “couldn’t”, he said. I DID feel bad for his wife, but I felt worse for ME if he’d left. So I didn’t want him to. I felt bad for HIM too. It was obviously very hard for him. He always said he didn’t feel any guilt. I don’t know how true this is though, but I don’t know why (if he DID feel guilt), he wouldn’t tell me. We talked about all this stuff at great length and in much detail. I don’t think he LET himself feel guilty cause it was too hard. He said they never really discussed anything after each D-day. So…I don’t know.

 

And yes, it WOULD be devastating if my partner found out. If I had a D-day. But again, because I had MY needs (for him), it was more important for me to “keep” him, and not so important for me to really feel much empathy for his wife.

 

I am VERY concerned, guilty, upset, ashamed and hateful towards myself that I have done this to my partner. The ONLY justification I have is that she does not know, and so for now, she is ok. But I of course know that doesn’t make it any better. I DO feel empathy for her. I feel TERRIBLE about this. I do NOT deserve her love or her respect or her commitment. I know this, of course I do. I’m not being a martyr, it’s just the way it is and I wish it wasn’t. I wish I wasn’t so selfish, indulgent, confused and lost that I had done this to her and us. She would absolutely NEVER do this to me. I know that beyond any doubt whatsoever. She is a different type of person to me. She is not selfish.

 

Egalew, yes I am a woman and my partner of 12 years is a woman. I had only ever been with women (2 of them) in my life before my long distance / online affair with my ex-MM.

 

Spice, yeah, whimsical. When I referred to myself in that way, it was one of my light hearted moments. I don’t mean to come across as flippant or blasé when I post like that. Sometimes the seriousness gets too hard and I have to take a break, and I do have a slightly warped sense of humour and way with words, so I just…post. It isn’t how I feel. This thread is more how I feel, and I’ve had people comment in here and in PMs that I am depressed and this thread is of slight concern to them about my mental state (not as a narcissist, but as a depressed person). So yeah. THIS is how I feel when I think about things. But I simply couldn’t function in any way if I ALWAYS stayed in this state. The serious, true feelings state.

 

I AM very, very open minded. I’m a Libra who sees both sides to everything. Or rather, not just both sides, but ALL sides. And as a result, a lot of the time I’m too clinical and analytical, and this makes it easier to have “empathy” on a cerebral level, but to keep it at arm’s length on an emotional level, and thus not follow through at all on a behavioural level.

 

Pierre, addicts will do anything for a fix. God yes. I have an addictive personality in general (smoking, shopping, money matters, drugs in the past)…and this certainly was a very strong addiction. My needs overcame anyone else’s.

 

I can’t remember who said I struck them as entitled and selfish, but yes, this is true. I had a very good, privileged upbringing, though not without stress and problems that still affect me. I have always felt entitled.