Friend is the OM

[gansome]

Guys – I cannot express how fantastic finding LS is. I’ve been on here about a week now, reading for hours, mostly with running tears and a snotty nose. Thank You

 

Now, it’s my turn. I haven’t had the energy to even type, only today I’ve made the effort as I need some ‘support’ as I’ve been in a very dark place over the past few weeks and the weekend I was thinking stupid thoughts.

 

My profile – 34, beautiful wife, 2 beautiful kids 7 & 14, cat and a dog. Married 9 years together for 12. Hard working, 2 jobs, I’m very domesticated, house proud, I do all the cooking (enthusiast) and lots of the cleaning (work from home), like to think I’m a fab Dad to and don’t want anything back other than a little respect and appreciation. Fairly good upbringing, parents divorced when I was 19, had some anxiety issues most of my life, heart problems which have been dealt with. Stress, depression and very sensitive recently. I’m not hugely romantic but I can be when needed, never been that cuddly but do it when I’m feeling loved to.

 

Wife’s profile – 34, had a difficult upbringing, abused by a cousin, abandoned by her mother and fell pregnant at 20 to a bit of a loser, he didn’t stay around. She tried to commit suicide when she was in her teens twice, cries for help maybe. Extremely needy person, not self sufficient. After the birth of her child which I think she resented, her mother seemed to have taken over the role of ‘Mum’, this made my wife detached, emotionally and physically. I then came into the picture about a year and a half later.

 

I was 21, party animal, DJ, liked having fun, meeting women, this one was different, she had a baby and lived in a tiny house with her Mum. I fell in love with them both and I started to play boyfriend and Dad, driving from London to Bedford most weekends, even in the weekdays sometimes. Then about 8 months later I wanted her to move in with me about 30 miles away for a better more independent life, leaving her Mum behind and to start a new life. All sounded great until her Mother applied for custody being backed up by her walk away ex. Mother excusing her of not looking after the baby properly, went through hell, mentally, nevertheless we won and settled into a new flat. That has NEVER been spoken about since it happened, my wife hates her Mother but still see’s her and uses her for monitory things something’s and baby-sitting, the hatred is still there.

 

Issue that wife has had is that the resentment of all that has made her relationship with now what is my teenage stepdaughter very difficult. They argue constantly, little better lately but for some reason there is limited love there if any, my step daughter also has cries for help, although very intelligent she wants attention to. I have a very good and healthy relationship with her, after all I’m the man who has raised her, her real father just throws money at her and see’s her every few weeks, no emotional relationship. About a year ago, she seemed to be having a tough time, cutting herself, pretending she was poorly and then out of the blue casually dropped into a conversation at school that I have raped her. This triggered a catastrophic set of actions, police, social services. I’ve never felt so disappointed, disgusted, emotional wreck, acute anxiety, to think the little girl who I fell in love with and raised had said those dreadful things was too much for me, I had a little bit of a breakdown, to even think that people would be questioning my integrity is devastating. I was off work for 2 weeks with depression after this, could not cope. Wife did the necessary stuff and dealt with the formalities but I didn’t feel supported, she mainly dealt with my step-daughter and eventually told me to ‘get a grip’. She felt the pain to as she works in a school so people would have seen records that shows the issues raised.

 

Ok, my wife’s relationship with me, over the 12 years. I’m here to be honest. It’s been ok, her being fairly lazy natured doesn’t suit how I do things so arguments are mainly about house stuff etc, pretty normal and we’ve always struggled with money, living from month to month, some debt, not huge.

 

She does though have some kind (not sure what) of personality disorder, she is very irrational, speaks to her family like crap, including me sometimes BUT treats her friends beautifully, she is well liked and has a good social circle. We ‘had’ a good sexual relationship, we did lots of stuff together regular, weekends away when we could palm the kids off, sometimes out of the country too. Despite these issues I loved her. I’m not a great cuddler, she wants that, I do try. We go around in about a 6 monthly cycle of being great, then not so great, chat about stuff, promise to change, then back again. Apparently she’s tired of doing this and that she thinks I can’t meet her emotional needs, neediness, constant attention or I don’t have the capacity to. Despite the problems I do love her and think she loves me.

 

2011 – I booked a week away in the US with my Dad, we’re car fanatics, don’t have one myself but like to watch drag racing. I stupidly didn’t discuss this with her properly as I did it on the spur of the moment as my Dad had some serious health issues and I didn’t think I’d see him again, I’m close to my Dad.

 

2012 – Week before I’m due to fly out, a couple of friends of ours were having some relationship issues, been there for years and the wife had left for another man. He was devastated, very angry with 2 kids to support at the same time. He text me for a beer but I was away, so he text my wife. We’re not great friends, occasional meet ups. I said to my wife that I wasn’t too happy with her meeting up purely because I know he’s vulnerable and my wife likes to help friends and gets dragged into stuff very easily, she met with him a few days later in a pub. She came back that night and just mentioned what they’d spoken about etc.

 

 

I leave for the US, stayed at Heathrow in the evening as I had an early flight, called my wife, chatting about the hotel I was in, I asked what she’d done that day after and she mentioned she’d met up with the OM again with all the kids and the dog. Ok, she knew again I wasn’t happy as I ended the conversation quickly. These meet ups happened 5 times in 9 days while I was away, 3 she told me about. On the 5th day of her meet up, the OM’s run away ex called me to say be careful they have been meeting in secret and I don’t want you to get hurt. I was sick to the bone, had to throw up a few times, shaking, you know the feeling.

 

I then have an apologetic wife call me to say sorry, that she should have listened to me and not got involved, since that moment her messages to me were lovely, she couldn’t wait to get me back home. I get home, NOTHING is said about her meeting up with the OM, I didn’t want to bring it up either as I didn’t want the relationship to be any different. For 2 months we were in honeymoon period again, it was amazing.

 

January of this year they start to make contact again via Twitter (and text), I could see their conversation, and although not flirty I felt a little sick and approached my wife to say that I’m not happy with her communicating with him. We had a blow out, few arguments. I became a little withdrawn and upset, especially when she just wouldn’t get that I was upset over what had happened when I was away. Things from then weren’t brilliant. Didn’t talk much and I kept a track of her Twitter activity.

 

Things blew up end of January and she said that, that’s it I want to leave I’m going to move. I was absolutely devastated, heart broken to think my wife is leaving me. Living in the house together became unbearable. She asked me to stay at my Dads for a week, which I wasn’t happy about as it was her decision to leave. One of the hardest weeks of my life, constantly crying, not eating, missing my 2 amazing kids and a wife on the phone who is acting normally with no seeming regard for my welfare whatsoever. She is selfish person is some aspects of her life, her friends and family notice it.

 

She moved out last week into her new place.

 

Friday last week - With me in pieces and still with the OM in my mind I HAD to find out if anything was going on. She has denied any type of relationship or activity with him to now. I logged into her iTunes account and was able with some software and knowhow able to see her text’s from months back. I find the OM’s number, they HAD been texting, lots of them ‘I love you’ and ‘love spending time together’ and secret meetings. I wanted to die, I was sick, I’ve never felt anything like it, truly and utterly heartbroken. I text my wife within 2 mins. ‘I want a divorce’, see you in court’…..she replied ‘what??!’……

 

 

 

I tried to call her, she wouldn’t answer as she had friends around with my kids playing. Called her back 30 mins later and gave her exactly what I thought down the phone, I was a mad man, threats of taking her for everything, taking the kids away from a mental mother. I was hurt angry and she said ‘I do have feelings for him’……I am broken, not eaten since Thursday, haven’t slept and feel hopeless and a failure and very angry towards the OM, I’ve been restrained not to visit him ‘for a chat’….I did text him though. I also told all of her family and friends what a lying cheating ***ch she’d been. I’ve had terrible thoughts and been in a lot of emotional and physical pain this weekend, really wanted to end the hurt, my friend have got me through it.

 

Tried NC 180, couldn’t even come close to starting that right now, especially with so many questions.

 

I spoke to my wife last night on the phone, she said the ‘relationship’ was never physical and he was ‘there for me during a difficult time’……she promised. We chatted more, I felt more comfortable in what she was saying and she broke down, I could feel her pain, liked that she was hurting but was sad as well as I didn’t even think it would come to this. We left it at that.

 

I didn’t sleep again last night, spent the time going over the messages I had found and what she had promised me that it wasn’t physical, emotional or physical it didn’t make sense and we’re still married, she only left last week! It just didn’t add up, the messages although not explicit were very loving ones. I texted her this morning early and said you are lying to me, I want the truth and don’t play me for a fool. She told me that she’d kissed him but only recently when having been upset, nothing more, ‘she was in a bad place’. They have apparently now stopped contact, removed each other from social network sites and will cease speaking……for now.

 

She admitted it was stupid and she fell for his teenage love texts and was drawn into something exciting, like any new relationship. I know she feels she made a mistake not just by deciding to leave but with seeing the OM whether it be emotionally or physically. She is scared, she says she cares. And says she’s heart broken. If I hadn’t of checked the messages….none of this would be happening and she still would have been ‘seeing him’

 

I’ve been betrayed by 2 people, kicked when I’m down, left alone, laughed at. I feel sick, can’t even walk without looking like some kind of hunch back. I have my kids for the next 3 days which helps me.

 

Just to add the OM is an emotional mess to, wife and only women he's ever been left him after 20 years. Meant to be a 'friend' though.

 

I love her, and in time want my family to be together again.

 

But do I? Should I try?

Edited February 25, 2013 by gansome
Additional comments

[gansome]

Update - saw her at the doctors while ago to discuss some medical stuff for my youngest, weird, was the first time since I found out the truth. For some reason (maybe for her to see my youngest) I asked her to go for a coffee. Sitting there was more than awkward, I had visions of her kissing the OM, felt a little sick. I had made sure I was looking good (the OM is not great looking)

 

After, she sent a text, saying 'thanks for today'.....

 

Now, do I start NC/LC now? I'm really not sure what to do, I need to look strong behind this pain. I also want her to feel like crap.

[TaraMaiden]

I see what's happening here.

 

What's happening here, is that the Emotional Heart, is getting in the way of the Practical Head.

 

You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement.

The emotional entanglement you and she are extricating yourselves from, is one thing.

 

The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another.

 

Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head.

 

How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce.

 

Do not permit how you FEEL about her, to interfere with what you must Practically do.

 

You have to first of all evaluate, with her, perhaps in Counselling, just what it is that you two need to do to establish a common ground here.

Counselling is not necessarily a tool for keeping you together.

Counselling just provides a level playing field.

A place where you and she can face your respective responsibilities, to one another, and evaluate, fairly and logically, where you both failed.

 

Contact with the OM MUST cease forthwith, immediately and irreversibly.

He should - and MUST - be completely out of the picture.

With that distraction disposed of - can you both find something within your marriage that she would rather have, instead of him, and that you can work towards creating, with her?

 

In short - is it worth the effort, or will this prove to be too big a hurdle to overcome?

[worldgonewrong]

You love someone who emotionally/figuratively kicks you in the teeth repeatedly?

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry... (O/T.... but I read that in a Hawkeye Pierce voice going through my head.....)

[gansome]

WGW - Not sure.

 

I've read all of your posts from day one (truly tragic story which had me in tears) and I see the same emotions as you experienced, yours though was without you knowing about any OM. I really think she has some issues which I described and I'm a loyal man who seems to always want to please and assist, especially when I've 2 really incredible children.

 

Right now, my thoughts....

 

Let her think, alone about how she has betrayed me. Look at herself and admit for her children sake at least that she needs some help, this part is absolutely crucial but she refused counselling as she doesn't think it works (CBT).

 

I really don't know what I want, can't think straight. Despite her difficult childhood I really hope she can get better and stop being so irrational, theres never any middle ground. Jesus, this is so hard. I want OUT but I want in....not yet though....way to early I think to formalise anything. I need to get the kids settled.

 

Tara, that advise is priceless...what did you mean by 'must Practically do'....

 

I've no intention of contacting the OM again, he knows how I feel, from me and his ex wife who didn't want their children being with my wife. We were all friends, this relationship whether emotional of physical was doomed from the start.

 

(actually so excited to have received some responses, thank you both, means a lot to me)

[gansome]

For me in this situation, do I stick to 180 and LC? I'm only chatting about the kids on text from today, yesterday was different, barrage of questions that just had to be asked to which I got some truth which is what I value.

[gansome]

Struggling this evening. Went to bed 5 hours ago and every time I close my eyes I see my wife or feel like crap, twitchy and wired. Dear God. Literally wide awake at 03:20. Tried music, relaxation apps but mind is racing.

 

I will surely crash and burn soon, I've been the same for the past 4 days now.

 

I'm at the stage of comparing myself to the OM and what I could do to potentially change. I know, I know.......

[TaraMaiden]

Tara, that advise is priceless...what did you mean by 'must Practically do'....

 

All the things you have to do to ensure that your home life remains as stable as possible, and all the official things you need to implement, if you Divorce.

Seeing a Lawyer cannot be fuelled by matters going on in your heart.

[gansome]

Thanks Tara - My heart says I don't want a divorce.

 

It's saying try to work it out, show her that you are able to care for her like she needs, that's what it's saying right now, I really do love the mother of my children. Get her to counselling in the future talk.

 

Is it a bad thing that I want her back and want to love her despite her emotionally triggered betrayal?

 

While in the past some wives it seems are prepared to forgive their straying husbands,it seems that men are far less likely to do the same. For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offence against her dignity, something which I would never do! For a betrayed man, it's an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity, that's what I'm feeling right now but I don't want to give up as I'm coming to understand why it happened and what I could have done to make sure that we were both in a happier place.

 

Torn to pieces.

[gansome]

Being speaking to her on the phone about the kids and childcare and stuff, this afternoon. I'm being nice, normal and supportive, even agreeing to pick up the kids new beds for her newly rented house because I have an estate car but doing so I'm feeling like crap and that she maybe thinks she got off 'Scott Free'.........very emotional right now.

 

I'm scared LC/180 will just push her away and confirm that I can't be there for her, it might give her the justification for having left and the emotional affair, which is the total opposite of what I actually want.

[worldgonewrong]

 

I'm scared LC/180 will just push her away and confirm that I can't be there for her, it might give her the justification for having left and the emotional affair, which is the total opposite of what I actually want.

 

You're putting too much emphasis on the idea of the possible effects of your own behavior. Meanwhile, she's not putting any emphasis on thoughts of her own behavior. Do you see the disparity here?

 

You need to ease up on yourself. Be sad, be (internally) mad.

But yes, give her space. If not for her, then for you.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks Tara - My heart says I don't want a divorce.

 

It's saying try to work it out, show her that you are able to care for her like she needs, that's what it's saying right now, I really do love the mother of my children. Get her to counselling in the future talk.

 

See... your heart is making illogical decisions for you....

This woman cheated on you, and continued to cheat. She absolutely utterly disrespected you, and betrayed your trust.

Your Love is understandable. Your tolerance, both irrational and misguided.

One episode of cheating might have benefited from visiting a counsellor. Two? Two will simply serve to clarify why this will not work.

 

And remember: Counselling is not a tool to necessarily keep people together. Bear that in mind, first and foremost....

 

Is it a bad thing that I want her back and want to love her despite her emotionally triggered betrayal?

 

You fail to grasp the matter properly;

It is not you, but she, who should be seeking a path back to you....

 

While in the past some wives it seems are prepared to forgive their straying husbands,it seems that men are far less likely to do the same. For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offence against her dignity, something which I would never do! For a betrayed man, it's an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity, that's what I'm feeling right now but I don't want to give up as I'm coming to understand why it happened and what I could have done to make sure that we were both in a happier place.

 

What you could have done - yes.

Remedy now, however, is too little too late.

 

The horse has bolted.

 

You never gave up.

She gave up long ago.

She was open to his attentions, long before he left his wife.

Your wife was already dissatisfied with the state of your marriage, before she met up with him, or else she would not have been so open to straying, already.....

 

 

Being speaking to her on the phone about the kids and childcare and stuff, this afternoon. I'm being nice, normal and supportive,

 

Well, stop it.

Your place is not to give support. Your place is to show her that her behaviour is intolerable and completely unacceptable. This is your heart speaking, and it's befuddling your brain....

 

even agreeing to pick up the kids new beds for her newly rented house because I have an estate car but doing so I'm feeling like crap and that she maybe thinks she got off 'Scott Free'.........very emotional right now.

You should not be doing this.

if she has beds which need picking up, let her bloody well make the arrangements - she's the one who chose this route, let her stew in the juices of her own making.

Don't molly-coddle her. If she's decided to do this, let her accept the consequences of her decision.

Thinking with your heart again, see?

 

 

scared LC/180 will just push her away and confirm that I can't be there for her, it might give her the justification for having left and the emotional affair, which is the total opposite of what I actually want.

 

Oh for krissakes, stop taking the blame for the fact that she has done this!

No matter what your role in the marriage, her actions are excessive, unwarranted and completely unforgivable!

Stop focussing all the blame and remedy onto yourself!

She phukked another guy while still married to you!!

She owed you at least a discussion on separation, not screwing your friend behind your back!!

This is ON HER!!

 

SHE is the guilty one here - and given her secrecy and lies and cheating - there isn't one damn blasted thing you could have done about anything - she opened her legs to him - now let her do the running!!!

[gansome]

Tara/WGW

 

I really do get everything you said, it all makes total sense. My wife is needy, I know she's struggling and the last thing I want is for her to regain contact with the OM for her attention and the emotional fix.

 

Whilst typing I'm thinking, she has a choice, despite her being married to me she can actually do what she wants and I can't do a thing about it. Her stubboness will drag herself back to him to spite me or to admit to the world she is a cheater. *sighs

 

I don't think yet it's quite hit her what she's done, she'd told nobody even her best girlfriends were gobsmacked about the OM.

[gansome]

Girl, Hi and thanks for spending the time to read and reply, very much appreciated.

 

She called me tonight, she's struggling. I'm enjoying making her sweat and she lost lots of credibility with friends. BUT I don't want her to suffer too much because we have a fragile 14 and 7 year old girls to look after. Of course I love her, my partner for 12 years, not easy to stop even thinking what we'd be making for dinner or waking up together.

 

Deep down I think it maybe too much of a struggle to get over, my loyal traits are strong and my investigative mind even more so, could just destroy it further with heightened anxiety.

 

My eldest is developing her past cry for help traits, I need to focus on keeping her together. She thinks she's losing another Dad by having a second home away from her 'real home'. My wife wants to label her new house as 'home' for the girls. (Kids no nothing about the latest OM scenario) I didn't know whether this is a good plan or not FOR THEM?

[TaraMaiden]

Why not ask them what THEY want to do?

 

The 'happiest' scenario is sadly, not available - so what would be their next favoured step?

 

Maybe it would be best to give them some consideration, instead of making decisions for them....

 

And what 'cry for help' traits are you talking about, here....?

 

Damage limitation seems vital - which is why asking her what she wants is of paramount importance.

to be honest with you, you at least have to put her first, even if her mother is simply going through the motions of appearing to.....

[gansome]

I slept! for 5 hours!

 

Tara - these cries for help from my stepdaughter are from various difficult times and from the sour relationship with my wife. Never been healthy, wife struggles to treat her as a loving daughter, which goes back to her falling pregnant so young and a power freak of a Mother.

[gansome]

Argued on the phone this morning, I need to stop that NOW. (she called me to chat about the kids again)

 

Still so raw just to shut up....I NEED TO LEARN TO SHUT THE HELL UP.

[TaraMaiden]

What exactly does the eldest do to 'cry for help'....?

 

Does she self-injure?

Play truant?

become rebellious?

Get mouthy?

Be argumentative?

 

As for your 'wife' (hah!)

I would be inclined to give monosyllabic answers.

If you can limit it to 'yes/no' responses, so much the better.

If any input from you requires elaborating, do so as minimally as possible.

you have to let her know you are at best, displeased, at worst, pretty hostile.

 

You can't let her ride roughshod over you.

[gansome]

She said to me today (after discussing the kids contact schedule) that she's not all to blame. That the relationship was difficult, it was. She thinks I no have an excuse for continually punishing her for her emotional need and that she fell into the OM (it wans't a full on physical relationship apparently)

 

She's probably right but it's now even more so difficult as I find out about the OM, which was a secondary event after she had made the decision to leave.

 

We're fighting over the kids, she wants their home to be with her and for them to sleep there the majority of the school week. At the moment I've so much going on in head I just can't cope with my kids not being here in the week.

 

The current schedule is we share the week, 4 days and 3 days on rotation, wife thinks that's not settling for them? Is she right? Will end I up with the raw end of the deal?

[gansome]

she's getting legal support tomorrow apparently :-(

 

Just too much today.

[TaraMaiden]

Like I said - ask the kids what they want to do.

One of them, certainly, is of an age where she could make her own decisions, and the Courts would take them into consideration....

 

It doesn't matter now, who she's blaming, or whether she's putting some of the weight on you.

 

She engineered the break in this, without trying at least to meet you and talk to you.

[gansome]

Tara - I think it's too much for the kids, they'd be torn between us both that's not what I want. I know they would choose my house and I don't want that either as it would destroy my wife.

 

I want to share them but I don't know whether that's stable for them?

 

Which house do they call home? I really don't know.

[TaraMaiden]

It's not for you to think for them.

It's for you to respect them and consider that they both have feelings, and they have a right to express their wishes.

 

It IS for you (both) to put your personal issues and opinions aside and to accommodate your kids in order to make this transition smoother for them.

 

As a parent, you always did, and always will, 'share' your kids. Whether under the same roof or not....

 

And WHO CARES if it would 'destroy' your wife - ?!

 

She's an adult, she had a part in this, she needs to take it on the chin! This isn't about her, or how it would affect her!!

She should have thought of that before she engineered this mess!

 

See?

 

You're still thinking with your heart, and not your head!

 

I warned you about this!

[TaraMaiden]

When I separated form my husband, I fully intended my girsl should live with me. Girls + mother was more logical.

 

Turns out they ended up staying with their father, in the family home.

Not because they preferred him - but because it was more practical, sensible and logical.

It didn't mean they loved me less, it didn't mean they didn't want to see me.

It meant their life remained stable.

 

And her 'home' is not their family home.

Where you are - is their home.

That's where they've lived all this time, that's where they feel safe and comfortable.

 

For goodness' sake man, put your foot down!

 

ASK - THEM!!